by Don Kowalewski
What’s everyone talking about ’round the water cooler? The cap on the oil spill? The new Supreme Court Justice? Or, like me, are they talking about Frank from The Bachelorette? Well, I’m going to talk briefly about Frank and what he did to Ali Fedotowsky. At first, yes, it seems horrible that Frank came on this show to try and help him get over his ex’, Nicole, and acted all into Ali for weeks and weeks, going as far as the final three and the fantasy dream date phase of the competition. Yes, I suppose he could’ve mentioned his ex’ and that he’s struggling with whether or not he’s over her (then again, that would’ve gotten him the first non-rose and he would’ve already been gone). Lord knows, Ali came into the show struggling with her own recent break-up.
But The Bachelorette, even at it’s worst, is ripe with lessons for our own relationships. As I’ve said before, that’s what makes this show work …bizarre, televised, and contrived, though it may be, there’s nothing that happens on this show that doesn’t also happen in the real world dating and relationship mine field.
Monday, we learned how important honesty is in a relationship. Whether newly dating or married for a decade, when the age old question is posed: “Is something on your mind?” Do you safely give your partner the space to openly and honestly answer? Do you have a safe environment in which to answer?
This question can be asked in many ways …”What’s wrong?” ”Penny for your thoughts?” ”Is something the matter?” ”Do you mind if I tell you something you might not want to hear?”
They key is, create a scenario where it’s all right to ask – and equally OK to answer. Most of us don’t want to hear bad news. And many of us (guys, especially), when presented with a problem, we want to solve it. So in relationships, one partner might try and bring up something and the other partner will shoot it down, minimize it, and want to move it aside. Yellow flag! Can’t do that, or you might find yourself in Tahiti with Chris Harrison looking at you and thinking, “you ruined everything.”
Not many of us find ourselves in a situation like Ali and Frank, with a half-dozen potential suiters all carrying on like mountain goats trying to establish pack supremacy. Most of us simply have one on one relationships.
So the advice here is, when you ask your partner to share his or her thoughts, ask it and listen without judgement and without responding right away. In fact, if you want to respond, give it 24-hours …or a few days, then when you sit down again, calmly bring up the topic from a few days earlier and express your own open, honest opinion. And if you and your partner have discussed being able to talk openly, and you can create a plan of action for how to respond upon hearing something you might not want to hear, you’ll be happier in the long run. And eventually, you might not even need to set aside moments without TV and without distractions to safely and openly discuss what’s on your mind.
So, that’s it.
- Discuss and plan for quiet, honest moments to talk about your feelings and the relationship and promise to react to one another without harsh judgement or opinion.
- Make it a habit.
- Be honest, otherwise it won’t work.
Now …if everyone reads this blog entry and follows these simple steps, the divorce rate in this country will drop by 10%, minimum. Good luck.
And for a less inspiring, more nonsensical reaction to Frank, Ali, and The Bachelorette, Don Kowalewski also writes a weekly column at spunkybean.