Episode: 49
What to Do When You’ve Been Cheated On
a Solo Episode
Learn how to get your power back after someone shatters your trust.
This episode will help you heal, change your perspective, and equip you with the tools you need to land on your feet and be smarter, more open and able to create healthier relationships, partnerships, and friendships in the future.
You deserve that.
Listen on:
If two people are willing to do the work, any relationship can come through and be stronger, even in the face of betrayal, no question.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you or stolen from you or lied to you or stabbed you behind your back? Well, today you're going to meet two people that this has happened to and you're going to learn what to do, and more importantly, how to get your power back because you can get your power back. You're going to learn today that you always have options no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a Tough love episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm Mel Robbins welcome. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation. And I want to thank you, by the way, for not only just being here with me right now, but my team.
(00:56):
And I want to thank you because we have been blown away by the number of questions and the topics that you keep submitting@melrobbins.com. And I also am loving the video questions that you're DMing me on Instagram, and I'm excited to tell you we have a brand new call-in number that you can call at any time and leave a question for me here on the show. And that number is going to always be in the show notes from now on. And today, I'm really excited to tell you that we have picked two listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast to join me today because they have written in and asked advice about a topic that I unfortunately know a lot about. And that topic is betrayal. What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you or stolen from you or lied to you or stabbed you behind your back?
(01:54):
Well, today you're going to meet two people that this has happened to and you're going to learn what to do, and more importantly, how to get your power back because you can get your power back. You're going to learn today that you always have options no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. And I'm also going to share stories of betrayal that have happened to me, and I want to thank both of our listeners for agreeing to be here today and for allowing me to invite you into their private coaching session because by sharing their challenges and you getting to hear the advice in real time, they're really doing the work for all of us to create a better life. So when you listen, listen with intention, because whether you're in this situation or not, you will get something amazing out of this.
(02:42):
There will be an insight that strikes your right to your core. And this is also one of those episodes that I know you're going to love having as a resource because you can share it with friends and family when they experience betrayal and you just want to help them because unfortunately, at some point we all experience it. And that brings me to the very first question. It's from Sonia, and it's also where I am going to talk about this experience that I had recently of a big betrayal. And you better buckle up because this first coaching session, it takes an unexpected turn near the end and it's a doozy. Sonia wrote in asking for advice after listening to the episode that we released a while ago called The Three Lessons I Learned During the worst year of My Life. And it's usually during the worst moments of your life that you get the biggest lessons.
Mel Robbins (03:35):
And so I share this story about how a year ago at the beginning of 2022, I found out that somebody that I trusted was in my business stealing for me. They lied to me to my face over and over and over. They lied to team members over and over. And when I finally figured out what was going on, I realized they had been doing this for a long ass time. This betrayal knocked me on my knees. I felt so stupid when I first discovered it. Then I felt hurt, then I was furious, and it was painful. It was a painful lesson about trust, and it was also a painful lesson, but a lesson that I needed. I needed this lesson in order to be able to establish better boundaries and to level up as a business woman. Sonia heard me tell this story and she wanted more. She wanted to learn more. She had more questions to ask. She wanted to know, Mel, how did you handle the person who betrayed you? What did you do? Because she was dealing with a betrayal in her life too.
Sonia (04:46):
Hi, Mel. I'm Sonia from New Zealand. Hi. How did you deal with the betrayals from your friends? Did you confront them and make peace with them in the end? Or can you move on without making peace in some way? And then as you just fill your life with people who are much better humans?
Mel Robbins (05:04):
Excellent question. So in this particular instance, I did not confront the person mainly because they had logins to a bunch of stuff related to our business. And I had to first, once I realized this was going on, get sort of the realities of the digital business safe and secure. And so that took a couple weeks and I didn't want to send up any red flags that any issue was going on while we did that. But then I made this decision, I thought, why would I confront this person? And what I realized in this particular instance is that I had already poured so much energy into the situation that confronting the person or having a conversation that gotcha moment, I figured it out. I know what you did.
(06:10):
It wasn't actually worth it. It was going to cause so much more stress and negative energy in my life to look backwards, that I chose not to say anything, to protect my business, to learn the lesson and move on. And here's what I have to say. I wouldn't necessarily do the same thing in a different situation. I mean, the person that stole all this money from me and damaged my business, they were in a different country. So even though I could have hired legal counsel and I could have gone after this person, when I thought about the time, the energy, the just emotional cost of doing that, it was too expensive to pursue it. Sometimes your peace of mind is worth way more than the money that you would get by confronting something. And that's what I determined for myself. But here's the thing, there's a lot of cases for you personally and for me where the right thing to do is to confront somebody. And there have been situations that I've been in in the past where I did get a lawyer involved. So what you need to do personally, and this is what I would recommend,
Mel Robbins (07:17):
Is if you experience betrayal, whether it is from a friend or a spouse or a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or it is somebody in your business, you got to ask yourself, okay, what's my goal here? My number one goal is protect my business, protect my peace, learn this lesson. What's in it for me? Am I trying to fix the person? Am I trying to make them wrong? Am I trying to repair the situation? Am I looking for a gotcha moment? Do I deserve to make this wrong a right? Do I need to go after them legally? And then you got to ask yourself, well, what do I need to say for closure?
(07:58):
And should I do this? Because it's going to make me feel confident. And there may be a time in your life where you have to hear yourself say out loud to the person that betrayed you, I know what you did, and I will not have you in my life because I will not surround myself with people who do this kind of thing. And I forgive you, but you're not welcome back in my life as a friend, as a partner, you can just shut the door after that conversation. You can forgive somebody, you can call them out, and you don't have to let them back in. You don't have to give them a second chance. And so it comes down to what you want out of this. And if your goal is to stay in the relationship, to use this betrayal as the door that needed to get kicked open in order for you to face stuff that's not working, if you do decide to stay in the friendship or the relationship, you have to have a conversation. You have to explain that you know what they did and that what they're doing is wrong and how their behavior is impacting you. And if you don't know how to start that conversation...
Mel Robbins (09:10):
Lemme give you another tip. I need to apologize for something which always kind of makes people feel a little like, oh, what? You did something wrong. So they're not going to be defensive. And then you say, yeah, there's something that's been bothering me and I need to apologize that I didn't come to you sooner with this. And then you can also say, and you might not even know that this is happening, I take responsibility that it's impacting me this way. And then explain how their behavior is making you feel. You're not attacking them. You're not telling them they did X, Y, and Z. You're explaining how it's impacting you and based on their reaction, you will know whether or not this is somebody that you want in your life. If their reaction is, that's ridiculous, I didn't mean that You're being too sensitive. Bye. That's what you do. You got all the information you need. But if the reaction is, I had no idea you felt that way, I feel terrible. Tell me what I can do. That's a friendship that you want to save. Does that make sense?
Sonia (10:24):
Yeah, absolutely. Whenever I've shared anything with how any of their reactions made me feel or the impact it had on my life, they just simply aren't interested.
Mel Robbins (10:34):
Yeah, well, there's all you need to know. And so here's the second piece of transformation that I want for you. You ready? There are patterns in life that repeat until you get the lesson. And for me, the biggest lesson about this betrayal by this person in business is that when I look back through my life and I think what other relationships or friendships or colleagues, anything, what other relationships had the same feeling for me as this relationship, I can see a very similar pattern of the kind of person that I was drawn to or that was in my inner circle or that I was a really good friend with. And then all of a sudden I realized, oh my gosh, this person's mean and the gossip behind people's back, and now I'm scared because they're a friend of mine and I dunno how to get out of this. I could see a very distinct pattern. Maybe the lesson for you goes even deeper, which is not only when something's working or feels off to say something, notice somebody's reaction. And that tells you whether or not this is a friendship to lean into or one to pull away from. But the other lesson could be, are there particular personality types or relationship dynamics that draw you in that turn out for you to not be good for you?
Sonia (12:09):
I feel like I've learned the lesson. This is with my ex-husband and everything that happened, and so he keeps reaching out to try and have a friendship going forward. But because of everything that happened, I'm not interested.
Mel Robbins (12:21):
And maybe your husband does need to have a conversation with them for his closure. Maybe he doesn't understand how this is impacting you completely. You see...
Mel Robbins (12:34):
You don't need to have a conversation with somebody in order to have closure. We often chase other people down and we say we want closure, but what we're actually looking for is confirmation, or we're looking for some sort of assurance. We want to feel better. You can do that for yourself if you're very clear about why this isn't working for you and what your boundaries are. And it sounds to me like you're very clear. You don't need to have a conversation. You've already had the conversation and their behavior in it told you everything you need to know.
Sonia (13:08):
Yeah, that's a feeling. Anytime I bring anything up about how anything's impacted me, it just brings up all of the old stuff again and it's just too hard. So I just have to let them all go and just let my life carry on.
Mel Robbins (13:23):
And you also, is there a request you need to make of your husband
Sonia (13:27):
Is my ex-husband.
Mel Robbins (13:30):
Oh, your ex-husband. Excuse me. So he was friends with them, so he's not part of this really?
Sonia (13:35):
No, he is. It was like the stuff that happened that ended my marriage.
Mel Robbins (13:40):
Oh,
Sonia (13:40):
With my best friend.
Mel Robbins (13:43):
Oh, so is he with your best friend?
Sonia (13:45):
He is. Yeah. He came out as bisexual, so he's with both of them.
Mel Robbins (13:50):
Wow.
Sonia (13:51):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (13:52):
That's a lot.
Sonia (13:53):
Yeah, it was a lot.
Mel Robbins (13:56):
And that's exactly why you don't need to have them in your life and you don't owe anybody an explanation.
Sonia (14:04):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (14:06):
You deserve peace.
Sonia (14:07):
It's just really good for me to hear that I don't need to resolve anything. I can just move forward knowing in the piece in me that I don't want to have friendships with people who are like that. They've got so many beautiful new humans in my life and just experiencing of that kind of love and friendship from my new friends and my new boyfriend, it's really beautiful.
Mel Robbins (14:27):
Wonderful. That's great. I'm proud of you.
Sonia (14:32):
You've helped a lot. Thank you.
Mel Robbins (14:34):
Well, I appreciate you being here, but you keep the credit because you did the work.
Sonia (14:40):
Thank you very much. Will you too.
Mel Robbins (14:42):
You're welcome. And what I need to say to everybody listening is if you've been broken up with or if you've got a friendship where the behaviors turned toxic or you've got something going on, you don't need to have a conversation about it. Their behavior has told you what you need to know. If you're still questioning it, have the conversation in the way that I suggested where you apologize for withholding this. You tell somebody how their behavior or lack of behavior makes you feel, and then watch their reaction. If they're caring and kind, wonderful. If they're not wonderful, you know what to do, which is close the fricking door on that relationship. Do not accept that behavior in your life, period. Not from somebody that's not resourceful and not from somebody who's willing to do the work to repair this. All right, we got to take a short break to hear a word from our sponsors, but when we come back, we have got a second person that is dealing with betrayal. And this one is even more emotional. You're going to hear from Jenn when we return.
(15:50):
Welcome back. It's Mel, and I'm so glad you're here because our next question today comes from Jenn. And the reason why I invited Jenn on the podcast is because there was something about the way she wrote this initial question, and she had written that like me, she too had had one of the most difficult years of her life, but she was having a really hard time giving herself credit for facing all that she had been through. And I sense there was a lot more under the surface here. So Jenn, I want to welcome you to the podcast. Can you start by just introducing yourself and asking your question again?
Jenn (16:28):
So my name is Jenn, and I am from Pennsylvania. My question is I have a lot of difficulty giving myself credit as you suggested that we do, especially this past year, which has been just extraordinarily painful. How can I overcome that?
Mel Robbins (16:48):
I love your question. So why has this last year been extraordinarily painful?
Jenn (17:01):
Without getting into too much detail, there was some betrayal that happened in my life and it's just affected every aspect of who I am. I question everything now. Everything I thought I was, everything I thought I could do, it's all just been ripped away and I can't overcome it.
Mel Robbins (17:27):
You can overcome it. You won't at the moment. And let me give you advice about betrayal, okay?
Mel Robbins (17:27):
And this is really hard to get. And as somebody who has both been betrayed and who earlier in my life was somebody, was the betrayer, I can speak to both sides of this. And what I want to say, and this is the hardest thing to grasp, it has nothing to do with you. What that person did in your life has nothing to do with you. And it has to do with their pain. It has to do with their neurochemistry. It has to do with their coping mechanisms, their trauma, their dysfunction, their pain. It doesn't make it any easier when you're on the receiving end of it, but when you say and are able to just repeat, it literally has nothing to do with me. This is a very hurt and lost person who is coping with that hurt and that loss in an incredibly destructive way.
(18:56):
But in no way, shape, or form does their bullshit determine whether or not I'm lovable or whether or not I trust people or whether or not I'm good enough. They have revealed a very broken side of themselves that they have chosen to escape, numb, deflect all of it instead of facing it in the mirror. And it's really hard because you got to go through a process of grieving what you thought it was in order to have yourself unhook from it. Because what you're actually grieving right now, and you haven't given me any details, but I'm just going to talk from my own experience. You're grieving the future that you thought was going to happen, and you're grieving the reality of what you thought was going on. And that's incredibly destabilizing.
(20:09):
And so you got to give yourself time, I'd say a year to really just move through the anger, the pissed offness, the hurt, the how could they have done this? How could I not have seen this? How could they have lied? All of it. And then
Mel Robbins (20:36):
At some point, you're going to hit this saturation point where you have soaked up so much of the misery that you will no longer want to feel it. And the only thing that will help you like a sponge, squeeze that shit out of your being is when you say, wow, I actually feel sorry for that person. I feel sorry that they're so screwed up, that their only way to cope with that is to either cheat or lie or steal or whatever, because it's easier than facing the truth. Some people are so scared of disappointment or upset or pain that they are willing to literally drug, smoke, drink, or fuck their way through life. Because the momentary rush of dopamine that you feel when you snort cocaine or you have an orgasm or you're flirting with somebody in secret or you're stealing, that relieves you of the deep pain that you're feeling. That's why people do that. And you were hurt. You didn't deserve it.
Mel Robbins (22:10):
But I'll tell you what else, you don't deserve, and you shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who is not willing to face that shit, who is not willing to heal with you, who is not willing to do the work. And so I'm being tough with you because this person already got how many years of your life?
Jenn (22:36):
Um 14.
Mel Robbins (22:38):
Yes. And what I want you to understand is that first of all, any relationship, in my opinion, if two people are willing to do the work, any relationship can come through and be stronger, even in the face of betrayal, no question. But only if both of you are willing to come to the table and do the work together you to forgive and the other person to face their shit that led to this. And if they're not, then all you can do is grieve what wasn't and grieve the future you thought you were going to have. And take a hefty amount of empathy to feel sorry for somebody that this is who they are, as hard as it is at some point, to truly honestly be grateful that all this crap got revealed so that you can move forward with somebody who's healthy. Somebody I'm referring to is you.
Jenn (24:07):
Yeah, I like that.
Mel Robbins (24:09):
One other thing, even though this has nothing to do with you, when you look across the 14 years, there are probably things that you can see where you let shit slide or you didn't say what you really meant.
Jenn (24:29):
Yeah. So I blame myself.
Mel Robbins (24:30):
Excuse me. What did you say?
Jenn (24:32):
I blame myself when I look back and assess all of those things. I do find things that I have let slide, so then I blame myself for letting it go.
Mel Robbins (24:42):
No, it's just a lesson. And sometimes lessons we learn easily, and sometimes we need sledgehammer,
(24:50):
And this is a sledgehammer. And so as you move forward in your life, whether you do so on your own or you do so working through this with somebody, one of the things to do is not to blame yourself. It's to say, oh, I now know that I will never do X again. I will never do this again. That when I feel a certain way, I won't be silent. When I have a hunch, I won't talk myself out of it. That when I'm being disrespected, I will address it. And that's what you're learning from this. It's one of the thousand things that you're about to learn for this. And one other thing I want to tell you is I promise you the road ahead, you got the best years of your life ahead of you do. And I think you know that.
Jenn (25:59):
I hope so. I want to know that. I want to think that. It's just, then I get into my head, and that's kind of where I live.
Mel Robbins (26:12):
What's the thing that you say that tortures you the most?
Jenn (26:21):
That I'm not good enough that it happened because I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not all of it.
Mel Robbins (26:37):
How's that feel?
Jenn (26:38):
It sucks.
Mel Robbins (26:41):
Do you want a different story?
Jenn (26:43):
I do.
Mel Robbins (26:45):
Great. I'm going to give you one when we come back from the break. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today we are coaching listeners who have experienced betrayal. And unfortunately, as you're learning, this is a topic that I have a lot of experience in. And we were just talking with Jenn and I was explaining the fact that one of the most important steps that you need to take is you've got to start telling yourself a different story about what happened. Here's one Jenn, that I want you to start telling yourself it happened because he's an asshole who has a lot of trauma, who doesn't want to face it and who's been avoiding it? And we also know who will likely do the same thing to the next person if he doesn't face it now. Because people who avoid the hard things, the pain they're feeling, or the trauma that they experience when they were little, when people use avoidance as a coping mechanism, guess what they continue to do to avoid. And again, this is where it comes down to the fact that this betrayal has nothing to do with you. And I know that's hard to grasp, I really do. But I want you to start to tell yourself the story that this has nothing to do with me. This has to do with his shit. This has to do with him not having the coping mechanism to face his pain. And this is a wake up call. That's what this is. It has nothing to do with me.
Jenn (28:20):
I do want to be clear that he is trying to own his crap. It's me living in my head, and I know that part of me knows that it's not my fault that it's not good enough. And all of the things that you said, it's just I'm a highly sensitive person. I'm an empath. I'm 88, all of those things, and it is me trying to overcome those things for me.
Mel Robbins (28:46):
Then let me give you a different interpretation and a different story because you two are trying to work together through this.
Jenn (28:56):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (28:57):
Great. And let me tell you why I think that's great. I don't know a single couple that has gone through something horrible. And look, Chris and I have gone through horrible stuff. I don't know a single couple who spends time in therapy and works through it, who doesn't come out on the other side and say, I wish I hadn't worked on it.
(29:25):
But I do know a number of people that have gotten divorced that wish they had tried to work through it. And so working through it matters, not so you can stay together, but it matters because if you stay together, you will be better and friends, and that's important. But the likelihood is if you're both willing to come to the table and he in particular is willing to do the work, then the odds are in your favor and you'll come through this stronger. So the story I want you to tell yourself is this. What if he did this because it was the only way he could stay in the marriage because he was feeling so lost and so depressed, and so whatever, that he was the one who didn't feel good enough, that it's not about you or the other person being thin or whatever else, that he was at a point in his life that he lost who he was, and he might as well have been having sex with a fricking dinner plate for crying out loud. It's not about the other person. It's about him chasing an old version of himself. And if there's a dynamic in your relationship where he thinks he's failing or he thinks he's not good enough, that's what this is about. It's not about you not being good enough about him not measuring up for you.
Jenn (31:14):
Yeah, I like that story a lot better.
Mel Robbins (31:16):
And you know what else I like a lot better that it was sex or an emotional connection and not heroin.
Jenn (31:30):
I don't know. I'd kind of prefer the heroin. I think
Mel Robbins (31:32):
Right now you would.
Jenn (31:33):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (31:35):
Because we want to make this stuff about us. Of course it hurts you. Of course. It's devastating. And one of the biggest things you will learn from this if you allow yourself to is you'll learn that forgiveness only happens when you stop wishing things were different, and that you can love somebody profoundly and at the same time do shit that hurts them profoundly. And that through the act of understanding what happened and really allowing yourself to be in a space where you can hear how broken, hurt, lost, whatever regretful, whatever the feelings are, you will truly connect with this person at a level you never have.
(32:47):
And this is not easy. It will be worth it regardless of what happens. And the more you tell yourself, this has nothing to do with me. This is about him being broken. It's about him not measuring up. It's about him needing to escape these feelings instead of dealing with him. And it takes a lot of courage on both of your parts to face this. And if you guys can get to a point where you understand what happened and you keep the lines of communication open and you keep going to therapy, you'll have a stronger marriage than 99% of the people out there.
Jenn (33:41):
Yeah, I keep hearing that. That's what I'm holding on to.
Mel Robbins (33:44):
Yeah, you're on the bridge. I love using this metaphor that all changes a bridge. And this happens to be one that's about as long as the Chesapeake Bay Bridge,
(33:56):
And it's a suspension bridge, which means when the winds pick up, it blows and it will get better, and it will get in the rear view mirror. And by going to therapy together, whether you stay together or it ends up not being what you want, you'll have such a better understanding of yourself and an understanding of what happened that you won't carry the resentment and the self blame. It's not about you. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, in the best of all scenarios, what you're going to learn is that when somebody feels inadequate or that they've failed you, it has more to do with how much they love you, as screwed up as that sounds. Ask your therapist. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't know the details of what happened, but I just am trying to tell you that if
Mel Robbins (35:00):
If he didn't love you, he would've left. And affairs are people searching for parts of themselves that they feel they've lost. That's what they are.
Jenn (35:18):
Thank you.
Mel Robbins (35:19):
And they're not fair, and they're not right. And you didn't deserve this. And he's very fucking lucky that you didn't just end it because you both have a chance to grow from this. And that's a gift. Even though it doesn't fucking feel like one you want to unwrap, you're on the bridge. Just keep crossing the bridge and trust that when you get to the other side, it's going to be way better than you can imagine.
Jenn (36:08):
I hope so. Thank you.
Mel Robbins (36:10):
You're welcome. You're going to be okay. Just let yourself feel this shit, dude. That's what you got to do. The thing that I also want to tell you is when you get pissed, write it all out. You're probably past the lashing out part and screaming, but maybe not. I dunno.
Jenn (36:33):
For the most part. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (36:34):
Yeah. It just allow yourself to be a little human. And now that you're kind of through that part, keep steering yourself toward, okay, how do I understand what happened? How do I create a space for healing for both of us? How do I forgive what happened? That's the North star. Because whether you stay together, especially if you stay together, but even if it ends, I don't want you to carry this resentment or this lack of trust into what happens next. Heal this for yourself, and if the marriage is the right thing for you, you'll know.
Jenn (37:16):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (37:18):
Thank you for being so honest with us and vulnerable.
Jenn (37:21):
Thank you very, very much. Thank you. You have no idea how much you have just helped me change my life, so thank you.
Mel Robbins (37:28):
You're welcome. And you're continuing to do it. And I think sometimes too, this is happening because you're not supposed to have that kind of shit going on in your life that as you level up your own standards for yourself, what's amazing is all of the crap that's not working comes to the surface. And that's because you're not supposed to have a life that's out of integrity. That's not what you want. That's not what you stand for. And sometimes bringing things into integrity means a lot of shit comes to the surface, and you got to get a shovel.
Sonia (38:23):
Yeah,
Mel Robbins (38:28):
You are going to be just fine. You're not only going to be fine. You're going to be happy, and you're going to be stronger because of this, and you're going to have a deeper capacity for love, and you are going to surprise yourself.
Jenn (38:50):
Oh, I already have for sure.
Mel Robbins (38:53):
Name one thing that has surprised you about yourself or that you're proud of, because I want somebody that's
Mel Robbins (39:04):
At the beginning of this kind of breakdown to hear somebody further across the bridge.
Jenn (39:11):
I am very surprised. I had no idea how strong I really am. And you hear that all the time. You don't know how strong you are until it's time to be strong. So honestly, if there is anybody, just believe in yourself. You're stronger than you think. You absolutely are.
Mel Robbins (39:36):
Yeah. Is there anything else that surprised you as you've navigated this?
Jenn (39:47):
Honestly, my ability to try to be compassionate. I've always been of the mindset. I won't say in a relationship where there was infidelity. It's just it's not how I'm going to work. And then you're in the situation and it's completely different than anything you thought it would be, but just to be able to overcome, I mean, I know I already said this, but just being, I'm so much stronger than I thought, and that's how I get through my days. I grace, grit, gratitude. I say that to myself all day long, just learning to shell myself, grace, finding things to be grateful for and keeping my head down and just keep bowing. Go to the therapy, do the hard work, all of the things, grace, grit, and grass.
Mel Robbins (40:43):
You're crossing the bridge in the fog in a rainstorm. And here's what I also want you to be proud of. You are compassionate because you have a very deep capacity to love. And part of loving is also being able to accept and understand someone else. Now, that doesn't mean condone. That doesn't mean you're responsible for it. That doesn't mean that you're making excuses for it, but attempting to understand somebody else's pain and bringing to something that somebody is dealing with, even though their dysfunction profoundly broke your heart, that's an act of love. That's why you're going to be okay. I love you.
Jenn (42:01):
I love you. Thank you.
Mel Robbins (42:02):
You're welcome. Keep me posted. Wow. Can we just take a minute and collectively send some positive energy and some gratitude at Sonia and Jen? I am just so grateful. I don't even know. That's not even the right word. I'm proud of them, and I appreciate what it took to come and talk to me about this deeply personal thing. I mean, this is not easy stuff. This is what people are dealing with and not talking about. And so I so appreciate Sonia and Jenn for sharing everything that they shared and being open to going even deeper than they thought they probably would. And if you had a light bulb moment, and I sure as heck hope you did, I hope that you will take whatever insight that you gained, and you'll find the courage and the confidence to apply the advice that rang true for you.
(43:11):
And there may be somebody in your life who's going through something very painful right now, and it's been very hard for you to figure out what to say to them. Don't worry. That's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. I'm always here as your friend and theirs. I'll be here to give you a push to share my experiences, my wins, my heartbreaks, so that you know you're not alone in this. I'll also tell you the truth, and I'll probably give you a little bit more tough love than you're ready for, but that's why we do this podcast twice a week. It's not just for listening. It's for doing. Because at some point, you're going to have to do something that scares you, or you're going to have to do something different to create a better life and the life that you deserve, and one more thing in case no one else tells you.
(44:00):
I'm going to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to face the really hard shit that goes down in life to call people out or to silently, confidently just close the fucking door and move on and learn the lesson. Because it's in doing these things every day that you create a better you, and you create a more meaningful life, a better life, a fun life, a trusting life, life that you love. Alrighty, I'll see you in a couple days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Key takeaways
You don’t need a confrontation for closure. Their behavior already told you everything, and your peace of mind is worth more than a dramatic final word.
If someone dismisses how you feel or tells you you’re too sensitive, believe them the first time and close the door on that relationship without looking back.
When betrayal hits, ask yourself what you actually want: peace, justice, repair, or freedom. Get clear, because clarity is where your power starts to return.
Any relationship can survive betrayal if both people are willing to face the truth, do the brutal emotional work, and walk through the wreckage together.
You’re not weak for trying again—you’re strong enough to hold pain, see the truth, and still choose to fight for something real, even when it hurts like hell.
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