How to Have the Best Sex of Your Life: Surprising Ways to Make Sex Better Even if You Are Tired, Single… or Not in the Mood

Dr. Emily Morse (00:33:30):

Oh, no. It's so real. I love it. You miss me. So not alone. Well, at least you got to to tell time with your vulva. Now, see, that's progress. Some people don't even know that, Mel. Some people don't even know the 10 and the two. So you're getting somewhere. I'm getting somewhere. Oh my God, Mel, everyone. This is more common than not.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:47):

Is that normal?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:33:48):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:49):

God, I mean, I've been married 27 years. This guy has seen me deliver three children. He has helped me get over the flu. I mean, he has seen me at my worst. I'm sure he would love it. Yeah. What the fuck? Why am I so inhibited?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:34:07):

Well, because we don't literally, because we don't have any models of this, we tend to glorify male masturbation. We see it in movies. We tend to say like, oh, I know they're going to do it. Men's got to get theirs. Like American pie and porkies and all the movies we grew up in, female masturbation is silence. It's like it's wrong. We shouldn't have to do it. It makes us easy or slutty or whatever that old language is. But Mel, I have to say there's been some interesting science and research that have shown that when women actually look at themselves in the mirror, when they are in the state of arousal, when they're pleasuring themselves, they actually tend to get more turned on. Now, that might've been a skip of a step here because we still have some more to cover, but I think it's just getting over to the hump of, first off, I guarantee that Chris would probably find it to be one of the hottest thing he's ever seen in an entire life. And I have dad, I've researched from my listeners over 20 years. They can't believe that they hadn't done it once. They do it because here, and what I'm talking about now is a little bit of mutual masturbation, and this is one of my top tips for couples that I just love because well, it's all awkward and weird. And so much of what I do is literally get people over the hump, literally so they can't hump the hump so they can hump better of this. Like, oh my god.

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:30):

Alright, so walk me through it. What am I doing?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:35:32):

Okay. Okay, so this is what you're doing. Well, first, I mean, I would love you to have a conversation with Chris on your next date night. I don't think it's something that you just start doing in the bedroom. I think it's great to talk about it first.

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:48):

We talking about over a salad or something? How do you bring this up? We got a lot of questions about this. How do I raise the fact that I want something different or I want to try something when I'm uncomfortable talking about

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:36:05):

It? I'm telling you here it is. Okay, because we're going to loop back in. We're going to work this into your mutual masturbation with Chris tonight. Okay? So maybe tomorrow, let's

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:17):

Go. Well, I'm tired maybe tomorrow morning.

Mel Robbins (00:36:54):

Let's assume it's not date night because most people don't have a date night. Let's just start with that. That's also probably part of the problem. You're not prioritizing. Let's just say you're sitting on the couch, you're relaxed. Got it. The kids aren't around, and that's a good time to have a conversation. That's perfect.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:37:13):

You're sitting on the couch. I love it. So then our tone. So the timing is when you guys are in a good place hanging on the couch. Great, love it. But side note about date night, I know that most couples, but there have been so much research that shows that couples who prioritize date night have more pleasurable, satisfying sex. But I know it's another hurdle, and it's another thing on your goddamn list. But we all have a couch and we all go for walks perhaps because the next thing is your turf. So the conversation should not happen in the bedroom, believe it or not. It's the bedroom. We love the bedroom to be left for sleeping and for sex. Keep it a sacred space. The conversation is happening outside the bedroom, on the couch, on a walk, on a road trip when you're in the car, because that way it's less awkward because you're not making eye contact, but it's still intimate.

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:57):

Oh, I love that.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:37:59):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:59):

Plus they're trapped. They can't go anywhere because they're in the car with you.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:38:04):

Exactly. They're trapped. You're walking the dogs, you're hiking, you're okay. And then our tone is curious and compassionate and open and just saying, you know what? Hey Chris, I realized we haven't had a lot of talks about our sex life, and I would love to see what if we could start to talk about it. Dr. Emily was on the show today. She encouraged that everybody has a growth mindset around sex or find out if their partner has a growth mindset around sex. And I realized that this is one area that maybe we could work on together. We could start to learn some new things. We could start to talk about it. Is that something you'd be interested in? So let me say this, Mel, I got to warn people this is that it might not go well at first because we don't talk about sex ever.

 

(00:38:52):

We don't hear about it. And so sometimes after 27 years, our partner brings it up in that way. We automatically assume that we must be doing something wrong, that I'm going to get some negative feedback. You don't want to be with me, you don't like my body. All these things go in our head that it's going to be judgment. So we have to say no, but this really, and you have to keep taking it back to this is about us. I want us to have more pleasure. No, that's not it. You're not doing anything wrong. Let's learn together. So once we get past that and he's like, okay, Mel, I am down. Let's talk about it. Then you could say, so we got the timing, tone and turf. So we've just covered all of those. And then you could say, you know what? I think that you could even be honest. I've masturbate when you leave the house and I think tell him it would be really hot to masturbate together. Or you could even say to him, what's your masturbation practice? Do you know what his is like? Mel,

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:44):

I have no idea. He doesn't do it in front of me.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:39:47):

Okay, so I guarantee you he's doing it maybe in the shower, maybe in his truck. That's why he's so tired. Maybe in his truck, he's leaving, going down the driveway and parking

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:59):

Down the street and you're in your house. You could be together. I am going to have this conversation, and I feel, why are we so embarrassed about this?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:40:09):

Because we don't have experience of people talking about it. Because when it is, we're shamed. We think it's going to take the magic away. And you think that there's some magical fairy dust, unicorn, rainbow thing that's just going to make it magical and feel good, but that's not how sex works.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:24):

Okay, so here's what I'm taking away so far, which I think is really important for everybody. Number one, it has really hit me like a sledgehammer, how profound it is that we just expect sex to magically happen and actually be good and pleasurable. And two, that if you think about every other area of your life, whether you're single or you're dating or you're in a committed partnership, we talk about everything from finances to your kids, to who's walking the dog to where are we going out to dinner, to this, to that, to the other thing, to what's, you need a pair of khakis. I'm going to the mall, everything. And we don't talk about this other than do you want to do it? And even somebody like me who I have a really great fucking marriage, we go to therapy, we work on it. We are intimate in our day-to-day lives in terms of being affectionate.

 

(00:41:27):

We know how to support one another. We have deep conversations, and yet it's not translating to a more frequent and robust sex life. I feel very, very deeply connected to Chris, and this is an area of our marriage where we would both say we do not prioritize it, and we both wish it would be more frequent, it would be more adventurous, it would be better. And I love that your point is if you expect to change this and have the best sex of your life on the road ahead, which you can, number one, you have to lose the shame around solo sex. You have to learn and be responsible for your own sexual pleasure, which you will never know how to do if you're waiting for your partner to do it for you. What do you do when you feel like the desire isn't even there, whether it's because of menopause or trauma or stress that the libido's gone and you don't even feel the desire for it. How do you overcome that?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:42:35):

First, I want to say that it's okay if you don't have desire. And I hear it from menopause, perimenopause, but even I hear from women in their twenties all the time who are like, I don't want it anymore. I want it at the beginning and I don't want it. So this is why we need to understand. I created these pillars of sex iq, sexual intelligence, I call it. Because what I realized after all these years, Mel, that everyone wants a quick fix to get in the mood. They're like, what's wrong with you? I'm not in the mood. 

Mel Robbins (00:43:17):

I'll give you my address.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:43:18):

Oh, no, Mel, Mel, I'm not kidding you. I already you are. It's already literally there and I cannot wait to send you all of my favorite things. We have to understand that all these factors are going to contribute to our ability to have pleasure, to feel, desire, and be turned on. And we have to hack them.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:35):

Tell us what the pillars are to having great sex in increasing our sexual self sex iq. What are the five pillars?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:43:46):

Okay, so the first pillar is embodiment. And the opposite of embodiment is am I in my head too much? Am I disassociating during sex? Am I in naked with my partner? And I'm thinking about that email that I didn't send to my boss, how much, how my thighs look in the bedroom that I should probably turn off the lights and am I doing it right? So embodiment, am I present? Am I breathing? Am I connected to my partner? So then we have our health, and that is our mental health and our physical health. Now we think about our physical health. Are we moving our bodies? Like this is do we exercise? Are we eating foods that make us feel good? These are all going to contribute to our ability to be aroused, turned on, have the right amount of blood flow. Then we have to talk about the big thing here is medications, for example.

 

(00:44:32):

And there's a lot to this, but I'm just going to give you that. Medications, there are so many medications, Mel, that are going to impact our ability to have orgasms, to be aroused. It's going to kill our libido. And these are antidepressants, SSRIs, blood pressure medications, the birth control pill could all contribute to our ability to not be aroused and turn on. And we don't tell ourselves that if we've had trauma, we need to go to therapy. Most people have had trauma. And I'm not just talking sexual trauma, big T trauma, little T trauma. If our nervous system has been impacted by our childhood and we have a way of coping that doesn't allow us to feel safe in our body and present, we're going to have a hard time getting aroused turned on and feeling desire. Then we have collaboration. And this is really how well do I collaborate with my partner and communicate my needs and let 'em know.

 

(00:45:24):

Let 'em know what my turnons are, what feel good. Do I understand our sexual dynamics, our energy? Do I understand what I need and do I talk to my partner about it? Or do I have shame about it? Have I ever remained silent around it? The next one, the fourth pillar of sex IQ is self-acceptance. This is a big one, Mel. This is confidence. This is how do I feel good in my body? Do I accept my body where it is today? I get that it's no longer what it once was. It's always changing, but do I accept it? And then the fifth one is self-knowledge. Do I know what turns me on and do I know what turns me off? I have a desire inventory in my book, smart Sex that can help people understand this and hack this because most of us had zero clue, Mel, what we like, what we don't like because we've never talked about it or thought about it. So those are the five pillars, and all of them are in the bedroom with you every time you're having sex. And they all matter. I work on these as well. You don't get to a place where you check it off and I'm sexually intelligent. It's a lifelong process. So these are just all the things I'm going to go through that we should be mindful of that are all contributing to us being sexually healthy and well.

 

Mel Robbins (00:46:33):

Can you give us some tools or strategies for getting out of your head when you're being intimate with somebody else?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:46:44):

Yeah, a big one here is breath. Our breath anchors us in the present moment. Maybe everyone can do that with us right now. If we count to five, and the Kegel is those men and women can do them too. I just want to say all genders get to do Kegel. It's the P stopping muscles where we stop and start the flow of urine when you're doing this exercise and you want to be more connected to your sexual energy. So we can do that right now. So we take a deep breath in, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, do a little squeeze Kegel, and then release 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. And hopefully you'll feel a little bit of stirring something between your legs there. You'll feel like you're getting what you're awakening, you're connecting, and you can do that as many times as you need to feel grounded, pleasurable, and stoke your pleasure. And then just sort of ground in it.

 

(00:47:58):

You can ground in your body. You can do this with a partner, you can do with yourself. I dunno, there's a lot about breath work in my book that's not sexy, but really our breath, a lot of us hold our breath during sex and we're not present and we're not. So even with my partner sometimes, I mean I practice, I'll say, God, I am really not grounded right now. Can we breathe together? 

(00:48:44):

But really, when you learn to deeply feel your breath move through your body, you find that that's when you feel more connected to your sexual energy, who you are as a sexual being, not that shallow breath doesn't do it. So one of my top tips is breathing. Another quick thing. Now, really easy if you don't want to breathe with your partner and you actually don't want 'em to know you're so distracted, is I focus on my five senses. And I'll think about when you are present in your senses, you can't be in the past and you can't be in the future. You have to be there. So I'll be like, what am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's hot body. What am I feeling? My hands on their shoulders. What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle, I always light when we have sex because that anchors me in sex. So I have all of these things in the environment that, and sometimes I have to do that a few times during sex, but it completely brings me back to the

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:33):

Moment. I love that tip, especially the deep breath in and the Kegel, it just moves the shopping list right out of my mind and brings you right back. No, I'm serious though because

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:49:46):

I know

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:46):

The number of people that wrote in both about libido and the lack of a libido, which you just addressed by basically saying just like exercise, you don't feel like exercising, but you set yourself up to do it. The way to deal with a low libido is to set yourself up to do it without waiting around to feel like it, and to understand that that is something that will be in your way until you make a commitment to make this a priority in your life. And you realize that by scheduling it, by creating more intimacy in your life, by having solo sex so that you are in touch with what really makes it pleasurable for you. You are starting to take the steps to push through the fact that you have a low libido. I would also love to talk about, because you've mentioned it a few times, 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:50:41):

Okay, an orgasm is essentially the most pleasurable muscle spasm in our body that we can have. It's really just the science of it is that we are really just feeling. So it's a point of where we talk about arousal and blood flow and we start to get turned on. And then at the point at the plateau or the point of orgasm, we have a release and we have a release in our body and we start to feel that through our genitals. And that's what an orgasm is. It's really a spasm in our body now. There's a lot of different kinds of orgasms, but basically it is the height or the peak of sexual arousal where the body's going to release a lot of pressure and a lot of tension, and you're going to have pleasure in your genitals and throughout your body.

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:37):

Is it true that you had 23 orgasms in one night?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:51:42):

It is. It was actually a long day. It was away with a boyfriend, but it is true.

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:49):

Can we talk about that? Is that even healthy?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:51:54):

Well, it's funny you should ask that because here's a wonderful thing about having a vulva being one of these vulva owners here, is that we are built for pleasure and orgasm. In fact, we have something. This refractory period is the amount of time that you can go from having an orgasm to having another orgasm. Ours is very short, so the majority of women can have multiple orgasms. We just, again, don't know it, have that information about it. If you've got a penis, your refractory period is a little bit longer. And as we get older, sometimes you got to wait 24 hours, maybe you got to wait a week. No, but it takes a little bit longer. And it's not just our jet, it's like our nipples. We can have orgasms in a lot of different ways that again, we don't often celebrate or prioritize or center on female pleasures. And so I was away with a partner and I brought my toys and my lubes and we were playing around and I just started to count and I was doing all the things. Some was with him, some was with fingers and mouths and toys and just water. And we were just having fun. And I ended up having 23. We were counting,

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:09):

Holy cow.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:53:10):

And then it was definitely time for dinner.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:11):

Yes, I'd say, how can you switch up your energy for what you call hot sex? And what is hot sex?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:53:24):

Well, hot sex is really subjective in a way. I think for many people I would define hot sex though as consensual, mutually pleasurable sex where everyone's communicating and having a good time and feels safe, cherished, adored and hot.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:46):

That sounds pretty hot. And how do you switch up the energy, whether you're in a heterosexual, same sex relationship, committed partnership, or a safe one night stand? How do you talk to us about the importance of energy exchange with your

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:54:09):

Partner? Alright, so I'm going to talk to you here about a concept about energy. Now, what I talk about in general is the masculine energy and the feminine energy. What I mean by that is we all have masculine energy and feminine energy within us, whether it's two men, two women, whatever the combination is. And so there's something called sexual polarity. We need to have a pull if we're both in our feminine. So the feminine energy is more nurturing, it's more supportive, it's creative, it's more fluid, and the masculine is more purposeful directed. It's like I'm getting shit done. I have a mission I'm going to go right now. I think, Mel, we might be similar in this way, but I live a lot in my masculine energy. I run a business, I manage people. I've got a thing going on. I mean, I am a business owner. I am a woman in the world who's very independent and I've got a lot going on. And I live in my masculine a lot and so do, obviously my partners is masculine. For me personally and for many women, I think to feel the most, to be receptive to energy and to sex, I need to be more in my feminine energy.

 

(00:55:30):

And I've had to learn to tap into that and what that feels like. And to cultivate that, I have to allow my partner to feel like he can come in and he can sort of bring the energy he can initiate. Not that I don't always initiate, but I need to feel more grounded. And so what I do is I take, if I know that I want to be sexual and I want to feel more present, and we're talking about in the bedroom, this is where I think for some people who feel that they're not sexually as connected anymore, it just feels like friends or whatever. I take a bath, I do breath work, I move my body, I dance, I create something. Even if it's in my bedroom, I do something that can wash off the day so I can start to move my body and feel more present and connected. And that is the state of energy now in some relationships. And then my partner needs to feel more like when I realize when I'm bringing more of my feminine, I'm breathing, I'm just moving, I'm talking slower, I'm moving in a different way. Then he starts to react with his energy, and then we know that then the attraction starts to build, and so it gives him space to take up his masculine when I'm more in my feminine.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:40):

Is dropping into that type of energy for yourself something you can do to increase your chance of having an orgasm tonight?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:56:47):

Absolutely. If you can learn to cultivate that energy, because remember, sex is energy, orgasm is energy, and I am telling you, Mel, the thing that has been

Mel Robbins (00:57:51):

Happen. It's so true.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:57:52):

If we all took a moment and we thought about what we know to be true about the most memorable times we've had sex, even if they're just one or two and we're like, oh yeah, that was really hot. I like to think of that as our sexual DNA. There's a lot of information in there like, oh, it's because I just come from yoga class. It's because we were on vacation and we had this beautiful sexual experience. The kids had just left for college and it was the first night we were empty

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:20):

Nesters. Right Now, for the women or Volvo owners that are listening, that when you start to realize, oh, it makes a lot of sense. I'm a crockpot. I'm a slow cooker. It takes a while for the heat to come up, and what's missing in my partnership and in my sex life is any kind of foreplay, any kind of stimulation on the skin, any kind of warmup whatsoever, and I don't know how to even ask for that.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (00:58:53):

Yep. Okay, let's get into that, Mel. That's really common scenario, and so the first thing is we talked about timing, tone and turf. We've already decided with our partner that we're going to start to have some conversations about our sex life so we can have more pleasure, have a growth mindset, continue to grow as a couple. Again, in smart sex, I've got so many, I literally have a whole chapter that's just scripts because I know, Mel, that this is so hard that people are now going, yes, I wanted let my partner know, but how do I do it? So one way you could say the compliment sandwich is basically you got two compliments, is the bread and in the meat of it is your request. So I'm going to say, you know what? I'm going to start with something positive. I really am loving the last sex we had.

 

(00:59:36):

I really loved how we slowly made out. That was really hot that we were kissing. I thought it was really great. I realized we haven't kissed in a while, and then you'd go into, I love the way we were kissing, and then you could say, and I've noticed something, I've learned something about myself that making out and foreplay and touch is a really big part of my arousal process. And then you close it with, and I feel like if we could do more of that kissing and slowing down more oral sex, playing with my toys, that I know that we would both have more pleasure and it would really, really benefit our sex life. So how would you feel about that? And then you have to listen. Now again, I can't say this stuff. You're right. What do you mean? A lot of times they're in fight or flight. Now perhaps they're on the defensive. You've never talked about it.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:29):

They're like, oh, babe, let's go.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:00:31):

Yeah, right. Some might be like, right, oh, but some hopefully they're like, oh, wow, I hear what you're saying. Tell me more about that. We have to remember that we don't want to be defensive. We want to listen, and then we just explain 'em, give 'em the facts. I know that because again, Mel foreplay is not just a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement. Let me remind you that if you have a vva, it's going to take you between 20 and 40 minutes to have an orgasm typically with a partner. Wait,

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:56):

What? Hold on, hold on.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:00:59):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (01:01:00):

I want to make sure everybody, Volvo owners or not just heard that we're slow cookers and on average we're talking 20 minutes of arousal. And I like these terms because it's making me understand my body

 

(01:01:16):

And it's making it less about what you do, what I do, that this is literally how my body and my sexual system works. That arousal is a massive part of it. And if your partner's like game time and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I need 20 minutes to really get the arousal engine going. That's not unique to you if you are a Volvo owner, and it's important that we all understand that and embrace that fact. And look, I know we're now going to get all kinds of emails from being like, I can get aroused in one minute flat. Okay, great. Congratulations. I'll ship you a medal. But for the rest of us embracing this and being able to not feel shame around it, and I like what you said, how do you feel about that? How does that sound to you that that's the way you serve up the sex compliment sandwich, that you then ask them how they're feeling and that conversation in and of itself, if you start to talk about it, probably begins a little arousal.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:02:23):

Yes. Now that's the thing is that once we get over all this stuff that's holding us back, couples are going to find that they actually enjoy talking about sex. I mean, you're planning your summer vacation, you're planning, we're going to dinner and let's plan our sex.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:38):

I love that. What about a script for someone who has been in a relationship that has not been having sex for a long time, and as a sex therapist, what do you define as a normal healthy amount of sex? That doesn't include penetration. Everybody. We're talking about actual moments of consensual pleasure with one another. How often should we be shooting for in order to have a healthy sex life? Dr. Emily?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:03:23):

So I'm not able to give you a number. I can't be prescriptive here. And people always want to know this is am I normal? We have sex one time a week. Is that okay? Is it three times a week? So first I want to say in your relationship, you both get to decide what feels good for you, how many times a week, how many times a month, what do you both need? And then we find that sometimes those numbers don't match up. It's not enough for one partner, it's too much for the other partner, and so every couple gets to decide, but then this is where it takes some kind of some negotiating, some compromise. I would say that overall once a week feels pretty good to a lot of couples, and that seems to be common once a month. Not usually. I don't think that that's as great. And if we're talking about even just intimacy and connection and touch, I don't believe that that's enough time for many. I think that we need to find out other ways to connect. But again, I don't like being prescriptive here because couples, we do it every 10 days and it's great and we feel wonderful and that's great. But again, people are asking me usually because they have a suspicion that it's not enough and someone's not as satisfied.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:38):

What do you say to somebody who hasn't had sex in years with their partner? How do you even bring that up?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:04:44):

Well, I think that we, it's literally the elephant in the room. So again, using my timing, tone and turf, you just say, Hey, I think it's time we talk about ourselves. Are we okay with that? I know it's been a long time that's gone by and it doesn't feel good to me or does feel good to me. I mean, really if the goal of that is to reconnect, listen, we have a certain agreements and they're unspoken. We get married to someone or we commit to somebody, there's sort of the unspoken agreement that we're going to continue to be intimate. You can't opt out of your sex life. I mean, unless without talking about it, certainly

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:21):

I think a lot of people do.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:05:23):

I think

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:24):

A lot of people stop having sex for whatever reason. They're pissed off. They have trauma, they're stressed out, all of this stuff. You go through body changes and you suddenly are embarrassed by the weight you gamed or your libido hits the shitter like most of us in menopause, and then all of a sudden you look up and you're like, holy shit. It's been three months.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:05:45):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:46):

I mean, Chris and I have gone through a period where we didn't have sex for several months, and I look back on the times when that's happened. It's when we were really struggling financially or in a lot of stress, and I thought about it all the time. There must be something wrong with us. Will we ever have sex? Is he not that interested in me? All of that stuff. But I think it becomes easy to opt out of having sex. And so how do you broach that for real in your relationship? Because there were a hell of a lot of people that wrote in about it.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:06:24):

Okay, Mel, that's a great, and I'm glad, thank you so much for, obviously you always are, but sharing your real authentic vulnerability and stories, because I also want to say this, there's no sex police. No one's going to be knocking on your door and saying, I heard you guys haven't had sex in three weeks. What's happening over there? What's going on with you guys? It's okay that you're not having sex. Literally, months go by. It's very, very common for couples. But what's missing from that is saying, Hey, babe, I'm acknowledging that right now. I know we're not being intimate and I just think we're going through stuff. I'm not feeling great. My body, my hormones are out of whack, not feeling great. I know we're going through this money thing, so maybe we can do some cuddling or maybe we could just do some just acknowledging at

 

Mel Robbins (01:07:09):

Mouth. I had this vision that if you were to find the courage after listening to this to go to your significant other and be the one that just calls it out loud that you're just going to say it out loud, we're not having sex. It makes me very sad. I would love to talk about it. I would love to connect with you that you're kind of hitting day zero on a new chapter. You're actually no longer ignoring it. You are doing what Dr. Ley says we all have to do, which is we have to be responsible for our own sexual desires being met. And that begins by having the courage to say they're not being met and that it bothers you and that you want to do something about it. I'd love to pivot and talk about core desires, which is a huge concept in your book when it comes to taking responsibility for pleasure in your life. Can you talk about what a core desire is? And I read that our best sex begins with a childhood experience. What does that mean?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:08:11):

Okay, this is, again, we talked about how sex, there's few theories around sex and desire and fantasy. There's a guy named Jack Morin in the seventies. He started talking about this. He started looking at desire, and he started looking at what is actually our turnons? What's going on in our minds and our fantasies? There's probably something that we want to feel during sex.

 

(01:08:37):

Maybe we want to feel adored or worshiped or beautiful, or we want to feel some more transgressions. Maybe we want to feel we have some fantasies about being spanked or being a bad person or a bad girl, bad boy. And a lot of it does stem. They can stem from our childhood. So for example, perhaps we grew up in an environment in our family where we felt we were not, we didn't have a lot of attention. Our needs were ignored. Maybe we were emotionally neglected. So when it comes to sex, what makes us feel aroused and feel safe is when I fantasize or I think about my partner, I want them to spend time worshiping my body and giving me praise, and I might come. So that could come from the child, from something that happened in our childhood. Another thing to look at is let's say we want to feel fully accepted during sex.

 

(01:09:34):

We want to feel safe and accepted. Now perhaps we have this fetish. Now we often again conflate, that's another word, fantasy and fetish. A fantasy is a nice to something that you think about. I really love fantasizing about threesomes. That's a common one for men and women in America, like threesomes group. It's very common, or I like to think about, but we don't necessarily need it to happen, but we like it to fantasize about it or be like a fetish is actually a requirement for arousals. So unless I see feet, I will not be turned on and be able to have an orgasm or any sex. That's just

 

(01:10:13):

Quick side note, fantasy and intention. I never knew that. Thank you. We tend to use them a little bit different. And core desires are not wrong or wrong, they really just are. These are the feelings. So what comes to mind when you think about for people to think about this? If you think about the hottest sexual moment you've ever had, how did you feel emotionally? What was going on in that moment? What was happening? Did you feel? Were you humiliated? Were you feeling worshiped, desired? And so that's where you can kind of start. And so the feelings that turn you on the most tend to be your core desires. It's just another way to kind of think about kind of open this conversation so you can learn to be your best sexual self.

 

Mel Robbins (01:11:03):

And so let's just say that your core desire is being cherished or cared for or worshiped. Some of the words that you just used. How do you translate that into creating the best chapter of sexual pleasure in your life?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:11:25):

So you would tell your partner, you'd share this. I have a lot of different tools and quizzes couples can take to figure out where they're at in this path. But if you say you're part, I realize that I love to feel cherished and adored during sex. So maybe we could have a night where we light some candles. I love massage candles, Mel. They're like regular candles that you light and where you're going to get a care package and you light 'em for like 20, 30 minutes and then they go out and you pour it on your partner, and it's do this with a regular candle, but it turns into the most luxurious, warm massage oil, just the heat. It feels amazing. You could say, I just would love to have a night where we light the candles and you massage my body and we really spend time and you could tell me all the things that you love about my body and maybe what you're seeing in the moment. That could be a way that sexually we want to be cherished. It could also be surprising you with a decadent meal at your favorite five star restaurant. They knew that it was your favorite restaurant, your favorite meal, which made you feel loved and nurtured that evening, and then you'd have this sex because you were feeling relaxed and you were feeling taken care of.

 

Mel Robbins (01:12:35):

I want to ask you some rapid fire questions from our audience. We asked our audience, if you had five minutes with one of the world's leading sex experts and doctors, what would your question be? So Dr. Emily, here's one, how can I orgasm more? Being brought up Catholic girl who was taught sexist for marriage,

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:12:56):

Masturbation, have a solo sex practice where you practice mindful masturbation, and every time you're having a thought, you go back to the feelings that you're having in your body and you learn to give yourself pleasure. Pleasure is our birthright. We are all deserving of pleasure.

 

Mel Robbins (01:13:10):

Dr. Emily, I'm going through a divorce. It's been two years since I've had sex. I'm scared to jump into the dating pool. I was married for 30 years. Where do I start?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:13:23):

First, you start with knowing that you need to take some time when you're ready. I would say you don't have to force yourself to go out and start dating a million people. You want to start having connections with people. You need to have the practice of dating, of flirting, of being out there. I would say if you're looking for a date, that's not sexual advice. This is just say yes to every invitation you get even those neighbors that you think are a little bit weird and you don't actually want to hang out with them. They might have some friends that you like. They might have some neighbors just to meet people and get into the practice of connecting with people around you so you can find someone that you connect with. Again, and I don't like to make this shows all about masturbation, but we have to keep our pilot light lit, and it's important for you to connect your sexual energy with yourself and not just wait for someone to come along and flip the switch.

 

Mel Robbins (01:14:08):

Dr. Emily, I'm single. I've been sober for a year and I'm timid to have sober sex. How do I get over this feeling?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:14:18):

That's really, really common. People who often become sober realize that the alcohol was a crutch and that's the only way they've been sexual. So first, compassion to yourself. You're learning a new skillset, lots of self-love here and compassion, and just go slow and find partners that you feel safe with that you can let them know that, hey, it's been a while and this is a new chapter. My sex life is starting right now, and I want to go slow and I want to be able to communicate, and I'd love to make out and start to feel comfortable again, and I want it to be okay for me to stop and start. And I think really all of this is about being honest and open and authentic where you're at in your journey, and to also take the pressure off yourself.

 

Mel Robbins (01:14:55):

It's beautiful. This is a really interesting question. Why can I not handle how good it feels? And I always have to stop in the middle of sex.

Mel Robbins (01:15:47):

I have a ton of questions about past trauma, whether it's religious trauma and how it impacts your ability to enjoy it or sexual assault trauma or childhood of trauma. What should somebody that knows that past trauma is inhibiting their ability to experience more pleasure and feel safe with sex? What are the steps that they need to take specifically?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:16:15):

Okay. Well, the first step is acknowledging that you've had trauma, and it's something that you haven't had the opportunity yet to explore the impact it's had on your life, your sex life. You probably know maybe something's happened. But here's the thing now with trauma, is that a lot of us just think that as time passes or if we just bury it, it's going to go away, but unfortunately becomes more exacerbated over time. Whatever we resist persists, I highly recommend that if you've had trauma of any kind, but in particular sexual trauma, that you get into some therapy. 

Mel Robbins (01:17:13):

What are some simple signs based on your experience, Dr. Emily, that unresolved past trauma is impacting your sex life? I don't think a lot of people, unless it's sexual trauma, realize how past trauma and however it's impacted you in a moment of arousal, you're losing control and your old coping mechanisms can kick in. So what might someone be experiencing in the bedroom that could signal that there's an underlying issue with trauma that's impacting their ability to fully express themselves and be open with their partner or themselves?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:18:00):

So there's a few ways that, a few things that might happen, behaviors that might signal an underlying trauma, and that might be disassociation. So meaning you leave the room every time you have sex, you feel like you are up above looking down at your body. You might feel that you might not feel anything. You might actually feel like, I know that sex is happening, but I feel numb. You might actually even have pain. There's a lot of women we'd like to more than is necessary that have pain every time they have sex. Something called vaginismus or vulvodynia, which means that every time something goes inside of them, they have pain. It could be a tampon, it could be a finger, and it's not always the cause of trauma, but for many women, they had some kind of assault. And so their body has literally clenched and their muscles, their vaginal muscles have tightened, and that could be as a result of trauma.

 

(01:19:00):

So anytime sex happens or something comes near 'em, they feel pain. And I just want to say side note, if anybody is having pain during sex, 85% of women will have pain at some point in their life during sex. For many women, it's chronic. It's every single time they have sex. And I just want to say that you do not have to silently suffer through bed sex. See a pelvic floor physical therapist. I have a lot of resources on my site@sexwithemily.com, but Mel, we all like women. I think we're like, we can handle it. We can give birth. We can have our periods once a month. We can have sex that hurts, and we just don't have to. And so that's just a side note about pain. We thank God there's more and more help these days, but we don't have to live with that. I mean, that's just a few. That could be sexual thoughts that are disturbing. It could be avoidance of sex, flashbacks. Great. A lot of it is body too stuff. So those are some

 

Mel Robbins (01:19:55):

Signs. You have a PhD in human sexuality, you're a sex expert. You've been studying this for decades. Is it possible for women to have sex and not get attached?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:20:10):

Yeah, I think so. It is possible for us to have sex and get attached in the way of I have

 

Mel Robbins (01:20:16):

Sex emotionally

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:20:17):

Person. Yeah, absolutely. It's possible for everyone to have sex and not get attached. If they are self-actualize, they're feeling good in their bodies and they know that they are connecting with a partner and they just want to have pleasure and orgasm and connection, but they're not necessarily looking for a life partner. I mean, I think that, again, that's a societal thing. I think I hear from this woman all the time. Well, every time I have sex, I fall in love and every time I have sex, and I don't know if that's true, I've looked at people and say, really? Is that just something that you've been told or that's been your experience to date? What I love is younger generations now are saying, I just want to have sex and experience different people. How do you know what you like and who you are as a sexual being if you haven't tried some different things and tried some different people? And so we get to a place where we're all talking about sex in a really honest, open way. I don't think that sex has to lead to attachment and commitment, but what I love to see is that now we're having these conversations and people are young people, even though the sex is kind of lame, I think that they're getting to them. And so yes, I think that we can have great sex, and we doesn't mean that we have to walk down the aisle with somebody.

 

Mel Robbins (01:21:23):

What do you say though, to all the, presumably, mostly vulva owners that are writing in saying, I would love to be able to have more partners and more casual sex, but every time I do, I feel like a slut.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:21:39):

Okay, well, the first thing to do is to look at what those feelings are. Write down what are the messages that you're getting right now. Write them down on a note in your phone wherever you journal and say, okay, well, I think it's going to make me a slut. I think it's going to make me a bad person. I think I'm going to go to hell. I mean, whatever the thoughts are. And then you get to look at them and say, is this really true? I actually have an exercise in smart sex called Flip the Script, and you get to flip the script on whatever your negative belief is. What if that wasn't true? And you flip it and you're like, okay, well, what if it made you feel sexually empowered and gave you more pleasure when you're the person and you actually are practicing getting to know what you want?

 

(01:22:17):

And so once you sort of dissect the messaging, you get to decide what's actually true. I also tell people who have a lot of shame surrounding yourself with sex positive voices and following counts that make you feel good on Instagram. And so really, once you start to surround yourself, whatever it is, watching sex positive films and Netflix or wherever you watch TV and surroundings with people who are actually doing it in a healthy way, you can start to rewire your thoughts around this too. So I think I really, I love that you're asking that because there's so many women. It is vulva owners mostly. You think, I just can't, and this is what's true. And I just say, it's a limiting belief, and it doesn't necessarily have to be your story. You can learn to have sex from your vantage point and be the best advocate for your pleasure,

 

Mel Robbins (01:23:03):

And that's your responsibility. That's Dr. Emily's responsibility. Huge message here is that you are responsible for your own sexual pleasure. Two final questions. You talk about a yes no, maybe list. What is it and why do we all need one?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:23:21):

Okay, the yes, no, maybe list is, it's a free downloadable guide on my website. And why I love the Esto YB list is because you know how we're talking about mixing things up and trying new things? It essentially a list. It has about 80 sex acts on it, and it's everything from, it's basically what's on the menu when it comes to sex. So a lot of times we don't know, so it has everything. It has kissing and cuddling, but it also has spanking and dirty talk and biting and using sex toys and couples massage. So you and your partner can sit together and say, is this a yes? Is it a no or is it a maybe? And I promise you, on this list, you're going to find some yeses, and that's where you start playing. You're like, okay, we both want to talk dirty, but let's go do it this Saturday night. So it just gives people a menu of what's possible.

 

Mel Robbins (01:24:12):

I'm printing it out and bringing it to date night. Christopher Robbins, get ready. He's not going to know what hit him or bid him, depending upon what's on the yes no, maybe list.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:24:20):

People love it for date night. I've heard a lot of great stories, Mel, so let me know how it goes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:24:24):

Now, can we bottom line, five tips, five hacks for creating the best chapter of sexual pleasure in our lives?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:24:40):

Okay, God, this is so many. Okay, the five tips. The first tip would be communication. Communication is a lubrication. Talk about your sex life and you will have better sex, more satisfying sex. The second one is solo sex. Understand your relationship to your body and learn to give yourself more pleasure. The third thing is, if in your relationship, when you're talking about sex, I would say just a quick way to start is to try one thing new in your relationship. It could just be one thing. It could be the yes, no, maybe list. It could be a bottle of lube, it could be a sex toy. We often crave variety and just trying. It could be having sex in the living room instead of the bedroom. I don't care. Trying one new thing to mix it up. We crave variety. I would also say scheduling sex, prioritizing, prioritizing your sexual relationship, whether it's date night, once a month.

 

(01:25:41):

I think when couples have boundaries around date night, we're not bringing our phones, we're not talking about our kids, and we're not talking about work. It's just about us. A really powerful thing happens. So to couples, and then I would say work on your limiting beliefs around sex, whatever's holding you back, your shame, your thoughts, and keep a journal of them and learn. Flip the script and learn how to be your own best advocate. I would say. Well, I would also say maybe this is six, but take the focus off orgasm and focus on connection and touch and intimacy and center your sex life on that touch and intimacy away from the orgasm.

 

Mel Robbins (01:26:28):

Wow. Dr. Emily, I think on behalf of all the vulva owners and penis owners, I want to say, wow, thank you, thank you, thank you for helping us create the best chapter of pleasure and sex of our entire lives. I'm so excited to report back in detail, not on the podcast with you.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:26:58):

I'm here for you, Matt.

 

Mel Robbins (01:26:59):

I know you are. I know you are. Thank you so much. It's just been a real honor to be with you, and I learned so much. I know everybody's going to love it.

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:27:07):

Thank you, Mel, for having me. It really is an honor to be here. This was wonderful. Thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (01:27:11):

All I can say is, holy cow, I'm going to hit print on that. Yes, no, maybe list. I'm going to sprint out of here, and I'm going to go find Christopher Robbins because I want to do whatever it takes to take responsibility for my sexual pleasure. I want to communicate more openly. I'm actually empowered and inspired. I hope you are too, because feeling more pleasure in your life and having a fantastic relationship with your own sexual desires and arousal and pleasure, it's a big part of you enjoying your life. I now know that you have simple tools you can put into place to start enjoying solo sex, partner sex, whatever sex it is that you want to have, you're responsible for it. So go create it. Alrighty. And in case nobody else tells you, I want to tell you, I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a life that you love, and that includes apparently getting a mirror and standing in front of it and enjoying some time alone. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. Bye. Okay. Hey, here I come. Okay, hold on a second. Oops. Can I have the thing?

 

Dr. Emily Morse (01:28:34):

Chris sees you, he walks in the room, and again, I don't hate, this is why I don't speak. Oh, you can.

 

Mel Robbins (01:28:38):

You can. I don't care. This is great. I almost had sex with him last night. I was afraid you were going to ask me when was the last time we had sex? And of course, I was too tired. So I'm going to have to say it was a week ago. Not last night. I was going to Outstanding. Okay. Yay, everybody. How fucking awesome. Are you? Good. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for watching here on YouTube. And if you loved this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, you're going to want to watch this one next. It's awesome.