Episode: 122
4 Surprising Secrets of Successful Relationships (What I Learned From a Fight with My Daughter)
with The Robbins Family
Repair and strengthen your most important relationships with these 4 lessons.
Mel is joined by her husband Chris, daughter Kendall, and son Oakley to answer listener questions about family, friendships, and conflict resolution.
Learn to handle family fights, repair damaged relationships, diffuse anger, and feel confident in new environments with all the tips and advice you’ll hear.
Mel shares 4 important life lessons from a silly fight with her daughter Kendall.
Listen on:
Once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
Kendall Robbins (00:07):
I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you.
Mel Robbins (00:09):
You had an intrusive thought. What do you mean?
Kendall Robbins (00:11):
To just be like
Chris Robbins (00:13):
Welcome to having kids on the show.
Kendall Robbins (00:15):
There were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for.
Chris Robbins (00:19):
We're right here, you can tell us.
Kendall Robbins (00:21):
Well, I was, we had the worst fight. You guys. Okay. You're still being dramatic what you were doing this morning. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover and I'm like, I'm going to strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now. I have so much sympathy for your life.
Chris Robbins (00:41):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:41):
Anything else as a takeaway?
Kendall Robbins (00:44):
Pick up your shit. O
Mel Robbins (00:45):
kay. Thank you for that. Hug me next time. Okay.
Kendall Robbins (00:51):
Your makeup in every crevice of my room. Started it. Babe, did you want to say anything, Oakley?
Oakley Robbins (00:56):
No.
Mel Robbins (01:00):
Hey, it's your friend Bell and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
Kendall Robbins (01:08):
I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt.
Mel Robbins (01:10):
You had an intrusive thought. What do you mean?
Kendall Robbins (01:12):
To just be like
Mel Robbins (01:14):
Through the welcome to
Chris Robbins (01:16):
No, welcome to having kids on the show.
Mel Robbins (01:20):
Alright. Well, as you can tell, I'm not alone. I have our 18-year-old son Oakley, our 23-year-old daughter, Kendall, and my awesome husband, Christopher Robbins, all here at Sirius XM Studios in Los Angeles. And we have piles and piles and piles of questions from listeners that are directed at Kendall and Oakley. And so we are just going to rapid fire your questions and crowdsource answers as a family. But before we start, can we please talk about the fact that I met Reese Witherspoon?
Oakley Robbins (01:57):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (01:59):
Okay. So I got to tell you this story. So a couple days ago in New York, I'm there for work. I get up early, I go exercise with Christine, who as our chief operating officer and your aunt. And we are walking back to the hotel that we're staying in. It's probably, I don't know, maybe quarter of eight o'clock in the morning. And you know how when you walk into
Mel Robbins (02:24):
Some hotels, there's two sets of doors. There's that first door on the outside, and then there's that little hallway area and then the second set of doors. So we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel, and just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 7 45 in the morning, the second set of doors open up and somebody walks through and there is a woman behind him walking with another woman. And the woman who was shorter was incredibly striking and she had dark sunglasses on, and I noticed her out of the corner of my eye. But I was busy talking to Christine about something because we had a busy day ahead of us. And as we pass by the two women, Reese Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses. She walks past me and then stops. She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over and says, excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan of yours and I really love your work. I'm Reese and I nearly shit my pants.
Oakley Robbins (03:48):
I would shit my pants.
Mel Robbins (03:49):
I admire her so much, and I thought she knows who I am. And I'm like, I know who you are. You're Reese freaking Witherspoon. And by the way, she looked gorgeous. I mean, she is so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life. All the things that you would want her to be from seeing her afar. She is that in real life. And I couldn't believe that she knew me. I mean, this is a person that I admire. And so I was so floored by the whole thing, and I was like, of course I know who you're, oh my God, you know me. She's like, of course. And she's like, you did a great job on the Today Show yesterday. I'm like, you saw me on the Today Show? She's like, well, I'm here today to be on the Today Show. And so we start to talk.
(04:37):
Now, by the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll. I have on Birkenstocks and socks and yoga tights. My hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting. So we step outside and now I'm really self-conscious because it's Reese Witherspoon and we're on the sidewalk in New York City. And so I don't want to take up too much of her time and I don't want to draw attention and I don't want to be a weirdo. But at the same time, I am freaking out. And she says, I've been wanting to meet you, and there's a bunch of stuff we're working on. And then we started talking about some other things. And literally I met Reese Witherspoon and she asked me if I would want to come do something with her. And I'm like, yes, I would. And you think those things happen. You're like, okay, that'll never happen. Maybe she was just being very gracious when I looked on Instagram, she had already DMed me guys. I met Reese Witherspoon. What are you thinking? Ok.
Oakley Robbins (05:39):
It's awesome. It's awesome.
Mel Robbins (05:41):
It's awesome because it's one thing when somebody recognizes you, but it's a whole nother thing when it's somebody that you really admire. I'm not the kind of person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever. You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck?
Oakley Robbins (06:04):
No,
Mel Robbins (06:04):
Because we're all just human beings. But there is
Chris Robbins (06:07):
No, but people stop you because they admire you.
Mel Robbins (06:11):
That's true. That's true.
Kendall Robbins (06:16):
The feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you.
Mel Robbins (06:23):
Really?
Oakley Robbins (06:24):
Were you scared?
Kendall Robbins (06:24):
I'm sure
Oakley Robbins (06:25):
When you met her, were you nervous?
Mel Robbins (06:28):
Kind of.
Chris Robbins (06:29):
I mean, Reese is
Mel Robbins (06:30):
Not even kind of Yes, I felt that moment. Have you ever felt that moment where all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry and then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words? I didn't know what to say. I was so overcome by the fact that she admires what I'm doing because I admire what she's doing. And that was a really cool moment for me.
Oakley Robbins (07:06):
That is cool.
Mel Robbins (07:07):
And of course I was wearing socks with Birkenstocks when that happened. Birken socks. Birken socks. I wear Birkenstocks, Vermont represent, man. So that was really cool. Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?
Chris Robbins (07:24):
Probably Jack Kornfield. Mark Nepo.
Mel Robbins (07:28):
Can you explain to people who that is? A
Chris Robbins (07:30):
Couple of those guys.
Mel Robbins (07:31):
Who are those guys?
Chris Robbins (07:35):
Oh my gosh, not even sure. I'd know how to describe thought leaders in the field of contemplative. Good question. I'm tongue tied. I guess that's how I would be if I walked in and there was Jack,
Kendall Robbins (08:00):
Would you recognize him? Would you say Swiss army knife of meditation word here?
Chris Robbins (08:07):
Yeah, just a leader in the field of mindfulness and a prolific author and somebody that clearly has a very, very big heart for this world.
Mel Robbins (08:26):
What about you, Ken?
Kendall Robbins (08:32):
Probably, oh, I would be starstruck if I met Olivia Dean.
Oakley Robbins (08:43):
Not like Taylor Swift.
Kendall Robbins (08:44):
Well, I mean that's the obvious answer, but when we all be,
Oakley Robbins (08:48):
We would.
Kendall Robbins (08:49):
But yes, obviously Taylor, I mean, come on.
Chris Robbins (08:52):
But Olivia, she's got some
Kendall Robbins (08:54):
Swagger.
Chris Robbins (08:55):
She's got some pipes
Mel Robbins (08:59):
And they stopped you and were like, yeah, dude, I've seen your stuff.
Oakley Robbins (09:01):
I feel like it's going to be out of nowhere. But I think of Lucky Daye, Kendall knows what I'm talking
Mel Robbins (09:07):
About. Who the hell is that?
Oakley Robbins (09:09):
An artist. An artist.
Mel Robbins (09:10):
And what does Lucky Daye do?
Oakley Robbins (09:12):
He just produces some cool music. Good music that I love to listen to. And I think, I mean, if he stopped me, hold on.
Kendall Robbins (09:23):
Are you getting choked up anything? Are you getting choked up?
Oakley Robbins (09:27):
I don't know if he would ever actually listen to self-help stuff, but if he stopped me and he said that what I said was very insightful, I would pee my pants. That would be pretty cool. I'd be like, I listen to you every day. That's sick.
Mel Robbins (09:40):
Well, that was pretty sick, so thank you for asking because I hadn't told you that story yet. And I'm still just floating about it. I can't believe it happened, honestly. So Reese, if you're listening or somebody who knows her is listening. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so cool to meet you and even cooler to see that you are just as smart and inspiring in person as I always thought you would be. And I do think it's the sign of something kind of cool. That'll happen. Alright, so you guys ready for questions? Sure. Anything else anybody needs to get off their chest or beef that you have with one another that we need to talk about before we
Oakley Robbins (10:23):
Kendall? I missed you.
Mel Robbins (10:26):
Oh, I missed you too, bud. How long has it been since you guys have seen each other?
Kendall Robbins (10:31):
A month.
Chris Robbins (10:33):
Two months?
Oakley Robbins (10:34):
It hasn't been that long.
Kendall Robbins (10:35):
Two months.
Oakley Robbins (10:35):
It hasn't been that long, but
Mel Robbins (10:37):
Yeah. Okay. You ready?
Oakley Robbins (10:41):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (10:41):
Okay, here we go. So our first question comes from Chelsea and she starts off by saying, Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy. After a difficult past couple of years, socially breaking up loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90% of the time I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons. And in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me. I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world. How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?
Oakley Robbins (11:30):
Well,
Mel Robbins (11:32):
Do you have any friends that hate their parents?
Oakley Robbins (11:41):
Not any immediate friends, no.
Mel Robbins (11:43):
Have you ever had friends that hated their parents? Kendall. Okay. Yeah. How would you answer this, Ken?
Kendall Robbins (11:49):
Oh gosh.
Oakley Robbins (11:50):
Actually, I want to say one thing. I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life, and I think that part of that emotion is from losing previous friends. And it's not all because of you, his parent. And so there's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you, but he just has a lot of negative feelings and you're the only person that he can channel them into.
Kendall Robbins (12:23):
Yeah. Well, you always tell us that the reason we sometimes treat our family the worst is because deep down we know that they're not going anywhere or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom any word that I want because she's my mom and she's not going to go anywhere. And especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion. Like Oakley said, that he's feeling out on his parents. I don't necessarily think, in my experience, the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents. They just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling as though they couldn't move up or down or left or they were just kind of stuck. But I will say that if he's 17 and he's in high school and it's a social issue primarily, I'm sure that when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college, I think that he will find some new appreciation for his family. I think that that is something that I've seen in college is once.
Mel Robbins (13:44):
What have you seen?
Kendall Robbins (13:45):
Just that once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more because now that you're one step closer to the real world and you've flown a bit from the nest, you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there.
Chris Robbins (13:59):
I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment where she feels distant from her son. What would you want to hear from your mom or dad if
Mel Robbins (14:10):
Let's say that dad and I did something that really made you angry and that impacted your friend group and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating and you were really mad about it and now you felt isolated and you were mad that we did what we did, what would you want the parent to do?
Oakley Robbins (14:35):
I would want you to apologize to me and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say only because it shows that you're human too and you make mistakes and that you also don't think that you're above it all and that you're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me in a way and you are sorry about what you did. And just I think the first step, a hundred percent apologizing for what you did.
Mel Robbins (15:13):
And I think the second thing is kind of understanding that when they go off to college that they may not leave in blaze. But Kendall, you've had an experience with your friends that a lot of people that had bad relationships with their family or they fought all the time when they got to college, what actually ended up happening,
Kendall Robbins (15:32):
They started to appreciate them more. And I think when you have space from that environment, you can start to see it in a new perspective, which your relationship with your family, I think naturally sort of evolves once.
Chris Robbins (15:49):
Well, you've shared with me that you also get your perspective on the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children. Widens hugely once you get to college, I mean you sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school, but as you get a little older and get out there, your understanding of all the different ways.
Kendall Robbins (16:20):
Oh yeah. And I think there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for. And now that I've
Chris Robbins (16:29):
Had, we're right here, you can tell us.
Kendall Robbins (16:31):
Well, that's what I'm doing. You knew in the moment, don't even pretend, but there were dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for what? Name? One didn't let me go to some parties, didn't let me hang out with some people, even if it wasn't preventing me from actually doing an activity, just giving me opinions that I didn't want to hear all the time. Just parenting me. You know what I mean? But there were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you and made me slam doors and point fingers, specifically middle fingers. And now that I have had a lot of years outside of the house and I don't live at home anymore and I've graduated college, I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to love me and set me up for success over and over and over. And I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would've acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it.
Mel Robbins (17:51):
What do we do that pisses you off oak?
Chris Robbins (17:58):
We talk to him in the morning.
Kendall Robbins (18:00):
Yeah.
Oakley Robbins (18:01):
Yeah. Honestly, that's my biggest thing. There's been so many times where I've been in the kitchen trying to fill up my water bottle for the day and you come in and start having a conversation with me and I want to upper cut you. I'm like, please get away from me.
Kendall Robbins (18:15):
I actually had the exact same experience this morning with mom. I was Oh, we had the worst fight you guys. Okay. You're still being dramatic, which is what you were doing
Mel Robbins (18:25):
This morning. Can we talk about what happened?
Kendall Robbins (18:27):
Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy and thank you rude. Thank you. You're welcome. And I'm really sorry for treating you like SHIT because I was really rude this morning and I feel bad about it.
Mel Robbins (18:42):
Wow. Thank you.
Chris Robbins (18:44):
Is that a blanket statement for everything that's happened up until now?
Mel Robbins (18:48):
No, but you know what? I actually think it's a good thing to unpack because this is the kind of argument that we had this morning that happens over and over and over again in families, between siblings, between Chris and I. And it's just a stupid thing, but we got at each other over it. And here's what happened. Let me set
Kendall Robbins (19:09):
The scene for you. Do it. Mom and I, we had a mother-daughter dinner with my roommate and her mom. It was amazing. We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks and a gummy and a few gummies, and we were
Mel Robbins (19:21):
Laughing.
Kendall Robbins (19:22):
We laughed our butts off and just wore matching PJ's to bed. Shout out to my roommate's mom. And we had booked a 7:00 AM workout class the night before and before bed. We're climbing into bed and we both are looking at each other saying, no, we're not going to make the class. We're not going to make the class. But my mom had to be here at nine in the morning, so we still had our alarm set pretty early. So we go to bed an hour into trying to fall asleep. My mom is a furnace. I'm sure you'll know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot.
Chris Robbins (20:02):
More like a nuclear reactor.
Kendall Robbins (20:04):
Yeah. Yes, I am. Harness is an understatement. I radiate heat. Yes. And so all night I was tossing and turning hot, sweating hot. Oh, whoa,
Oakley Robbins (20:15):
Whoa. Okay.
Kendall Robbins (20:17):
Anyway, I was tossing and turning all night, didn't get great sleep partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees
Mel Robbins (20:27):
And I was not on my eight sleep pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down. So keep going. Sponsor of the show, shout
Kendall Robbins (20:34):
Out. Oh, okay. That's smooth. Thank you. So anyway, my alarm goes off at six 30, immediately turn it off and mom's like wide awake, turns over at me and is like, we're not going to Pilates
Mel Robbins (20:47):
A question. I Didn't state. I'm like, don't you want to go to Pilates?
Kendall Robbins (20:50):
I said, no, I told you last night we're not going. And she said, come on, will you come with me? And I said, no, I don't want to go. And she said, okay. So then we both kind of fall back asleep. Another alarm goes off about 45 minutes later, seven 15. Anyway, this part is not really important. We just kind of went back and forth in the morning. I was up at six in the morning.
Mel Robbins (21:08):
No, no, no, no. This part is important. Your bedroom is small. And I stayed with you last night, so I had a suitcase.
Kendall Robbins (21:14):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (21:15):
And I needed to get ready. And you had offered to drive me here and I was trying to get my suitcase packed and well no, because scratch everything. I just said. Keep going.
Kendall Robbins (21:32):
We wake up too early, miss our exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover and it's also bright outside and it's gloomy. And my mom is 500 degrees in my bed. And I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my little face and getting my little workout clothes on. But instead I woke up was 503 degrees. I opened my eyes and it looks like a tornado has gone through my room full of my mom's stuff. I have so much sympathy for your life.
Chris Robbins (22:20):
Yeah, it's
Kendall Robbins (22:22):
Insane. It's insane. It's like everything that you own is alive and has legs and just picks a spot to spend the night that's not in the suitcase. And so I wake up and immediately I'm hung over. I'm groggy. It's way earlier than I expected to be up. We said we weren't going to go to our workout class immediately. My mom gets out of bed, she starts, I don't even know what pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately, our energies were just completely not matched because she was, as she always is in the morning, Hey, what's going on? Hey girl, are you ready to go? And I'm like, I'm going to strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now. So then she's all chipper and I'm just meeting her with just really negative energy. And we just kind of got into it because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, she just shuts down. And then I'm like, don't shut down. It was just this. And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed. And we literally both laughed and I was like, are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie. Do not do that. So we were kind of laughing, but also kind of fighting, but then it kind of just put our home. It kind of just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.
Mel Robbins (23:37):
Totally. It was the worst. It was
Kendall Robbins (23:39):
Just horrible.
Mel Robbins (23:40):
And then I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate or her roommate's mother. So she's shushing me, which is fair and kind and considerate. And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed. I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all of her thing. And she's like, can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed. I'm like, can I just get my suitcase packed so I can get it off here? Bed. I need to make my bed right now. And they're like, okay, then I'll put it on the ground. And then she's making your bed in a fuss as I'm then trying and we're bumping into each other. The whole room is tiny and she's pissed off and I'm hot, and then I have a hot flash. And then she's like, shh. You can wake him up. And I'm like, I got to get my makeup done. I'm going to call an Uber. You're not calling an Uber. So now we're bickering about everything and I think that happens. And also we're whispering we weren't full volume B, fuck you get the, and so that's how morning started. So what, laughing at
Kendall Robbins (24:43):
Thinking about being a fly on the wall. During that fight, I would've needed popcorn. Were you in your house? Were you in your house? And then we get in the car and we don't talk, and I'm in the worst mood and I don't want to drive her here. And she mean, then she goes, well, I'll just get a car and go to C. And I go, no, now I feel like bad. I'm going to drive you. So then we go and get caught.
Mel Robbins (25:08):
But I meant it. Here's the thing, and this is why this is important. Unpack. I was more than willing to just get in an Uber and get out of your hair and you let guilt make you do something you didn't want to do. And then you were mad at me about it.
Kendall Robbins (25:28):
That's facts.
Chris Robbins (25:29):
But did you allow for her to step aside from the guilt, let you say anything specific?
Mel Robbins (25:36):
Well, I said, I'll just get an Uber Ken so you can get on with your morning and you can get yourself organized. It's totally cool. And she's like, no, no, no. I want to drive you. I want to drive you. We'll go get coffee. And I'm like, okay, okay, let you do it. And then we get in the car and she's like kind of like you can tell when somebody's mad, they drive with their elbows up. They're really mad as they drive and it's true. True.
Chris Robbins (26:00):
That's LA.
Mel Robbins (26:02):
True. It's true. Thank you for apologizing.
Kendall Robbins (26:05):
Yeah. Well, I also just think that
Chris Robbins (26:09):
She's about to rescind it.
Kendall Robbins (26:10):
No, and I actually do apologize because my negative energy got my own morning, started off on the wrong foot, and then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated. But
Mel Robbins (26:25):
I don't, here's what I learned this morning. I learned a number of things. You ready? Number one, most of the time when you fight with people that you care about, it is about either energy not matching. So you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around the energizer bunny. Or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you, and now I'm in the way of that.
Mel Robbins (26:54):
However you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it. You're not really mad at the other person. It's all this pent up energy that you feel because you're not able to just go about the beginning of your day the way that you want to. One of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important to distinguish something I'm kind of proud of is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw 'em on your bed as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were making me move my stuff so you could make your bed.
(27:33):
I just let you them theory. I'm just like, she's going to get pissed. She needs to make her bed in a huff. She wants to be all bitchy. Let her just let her. And the second thing that I was able to do, because I unhooked myself from you, even when we were in the car, I'm like, just let her be annoyed. Let her be mad about this. I don't have to fix it. I can let you have your emotion because your mourning didn't go how you wanted it to go. And now you're pissed that you said you would drive me somewhere. We've all been there. But what diffuses it faster is not trying to actually change someone else's emotional state. Just let them be upset. Let them be mad. Let them feel guilty that they did something and you just stay neutral in your body.
(28:21):
And there was one moment when we were fighting that I felt an old pattern come up and it's something I've worked hard to get rid of. I used to hold the things that I did for you guys over your heads when I was pissed at you. So for example, you and I went shopping yesterday and you were wearing the new running shoes I had bought you, and I was a millisecond away from going after all the things I bought you yesterday. You can't just let me pack. And I was like, Nope, nope, Mel. Because if you want to buy somebody something, buy them something, but do not hold that shit over their head as a reason. They need to be obedient to you. That for me was a huge breakthrough on my part. And I'm not saying I was the best this morning, but I want to share that insight because one of the hardest things for me when I was little was feeling like I had to behave to get love. I had to comply If somebody bought me something, that everything came with strings attached and that love was earned not given and not bringing up after all the things I do for you, the stuff I just bought you, blah, blah, blah, as a way to drill you to do something. I think that is so important not to bring into your relationships. If you want to do something nice for something, do it because you want to do something nice for somebody, not because you're going to expect them to owe you something because of it.
Kendall Robbins (29:55):
Yeah. I also just think that in that situation, we both could have just
Mel Robbins (30:02):
Taken, we should have hugged
Kendall Robbins (30:04):
That, but we both could have just taken a deep breath and relaxed because we were not in a rush, but we were acting like we were. And so unless it's life or death and you're about to hop in an ambulance, if you're in that kind of situation, take a deep breath and actually think about what you need to move through that sort of negative energy hump. I could have just said to you, stop doing your makeup. Stop curling your hair, stop brushing your teeth, please for the next five minutes, just pick up your stuff and then I'll be chill. You know what I mean? But instead you were like doing your makeup, pulling more stuff out, making more of a mess doing this. And then I was trying to overcompensate by not just asking you to do the thing that I needed you to do.
(30:49):
And you could have just said, okay, I'm going to pick up my stuff. You go cool off in the kitchen. You know what I mean? Yes. Just breathe and talk about it. I was just getting very angry.
Chris Robbins (31:01):
Just out of curiosity, when mom was unquote letting you do or be how you were, did that feel, was that working for you or was that just working for mom that she was letting you
Kendall Robbins (31:14):
Be? Oh, it definitely didn't work for me. And I was actually going to say thank you for bringing this up because I was actually going to say that if you are somebody that's going to practice the let them theory, the other person that you're letting do their thing is probably going to get more of whatever emotion they're feeling before they're going to get less.
Mel Robbins (31:34):
Yes.
Kendall Robbins (31:34):
You letting them, it's like when a kid is having a temper tantrum and you just let them cry it out. You're going to get more angry before you're going to cool down. Yeah, it definitely was uncomfortable because I'm like, I just want to bitch you out right now, but you're just all chipper in the corner over there letting me do my thing. But I do think it would've been nice if you could have just said, because dad brought up the guilt thing and how let I let my guilt get the best of me, but if you don't care and you're going to let me do my thing, it would've been nice to just be like,
Chris Robbins (32:10):
Well, I don't think it's about her not caring. It's job does.
Mel Robbins (32:12):
You're trying to manage your guilt.
Chris Robbins (32:13):
She does care. But ironically, there's nothing that she could have said that would've actually made the situation
Kendall Robbins (32:23):
Better. But I will say it. Well, maybe we're just getting nitty gritty now and we're just bickering again. But it didn't feel like Ken, I seriously don't mind getting a car. It was like, I don't care. I'll get a car. That was the energy.
Mel Robbins (32:37):
Okay. And here's how the Let them theory works, then let me get a car fair. Right? Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean you have to own that. True. Awesome. Thank you for unpacking that. Anything else as a takeaway? Pick up your shit. Okay. Thank you for that. Hug me next time, bitch. Okay.
Kendall Robbins (33:02):
Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it babe.
Mel Robbins (33:06):
What? Okay, we're going to stop right now. Okay. We're stopping this to be continued. To be continued. Did you want to say anything Oakley?
Oakley Robbins (33:15):
No.
Mel Robbins (33:16):
Okay. I want to share something with you that I would like to adopt as a family. You ready?
Oakley Robbins (33:26):
Is this something that I do?
Chris Robbins (33:27):
Let's hear it before we decide whether it should be
Mel Robbins (33:30):
Adopted. So this is a tool I want our family to adopt, and it is something that I learned from our dear friends Josh and David. Shout out to Josh and David. They learned it from their therapist and it's called Red light, green light. And when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk or you feel overwhelmed or you just need quiet, you just say to somebody you love, this is a red light moment. And you also can say to somebody, because I know Chris sits in his office and you're very peaceful and zen and you're working on your master's in spiritual psychology and you've just hung up a zoom where you've been coaching one of your coaching clients and I come rolling into your office like a tornado, and I'm not responsible for the fact that I'm probably disrupting your emotional piece. And one of the ways that you can also use this is when you walk into a room go, Hey, is this a green light moment? Can you talk about blabbity? Blah? Do you like that guys,
Chris Robbins (34:43):
First of all, great tool. And I was sitting here thinking about what it's like to be the person who has to exclaim that it's a red light moment versus the person walking in the room opening with, is this a green light moment? Obviously there's two sides to the coin.
Kendall Robbins (35:12):
I agree. I think that it should come from the red light. Yeah. The person who needs the space, not you prompting it. And I think that is something because then you will feel more ownership as the person drawing the boundary rather than, is this okay for you right now? And then you're like, I don't know. Then if you say that and then they're like, no, sorry, it's not,
Kendall Robbins (35:36):
Then I always feel
Mel Robbins (35:39):
Bad that you came in.
Kendall Robbins (35:40):
Yeah, I think that is something that we have worked on in our relationship and it's still a work in progress. But you've gotten really good at before you used to just advice vomit whenever I was having a problem, it was so frustrating because sometimes I didn't want advice. I just wanted you to listen and not, and you still do this thing that is way better than the vomiting of the advice, but is still sometimes triggering for me when I come to you with something and you go, well, do you want me to listen or do you want advice? And that feels very much so. Okay, well, if I tell you that I just want you to listen. I know you're just thinking about all the advice you want to give me. Do you know what I mean?
Mel Robbins (36:26):
I actually love that cue because I feel like it allows me to know how you need me to show up.
Kendall Robbins (36:34):
Maybe then I'm just in real time realizing that I need to be the one that tells you what I need, not you ask.
Mel Robbins (36:41):
Yes. Well, sometimes you don't know what you need. That's why I use that
Kendall Robbins (36:45):
Phrase. But sometimes it's hard sometimes when my whole point being that I think it should come from the person that needs the space, not the prompting of the what's your light? What's your light? What light are you? What light are you? It's like walking, Hey Chris, what's up? How was your zoom call? Assess the situation. If he's like, oh, great, it was awesome, Mel, what's up? Then you can go in and then if he goes, it's actually a red light, then you can back off. But if you were to just take 30 seconds and kind of assess and you know what I mean? Am I shutting you down? No. Okay. I'm listening.
Chris Robbins (37:23):
No, but that approach is not typically how a tornado enters any room. So
Mel Robbins (37:31):
True. We'll try it. Here's what I'm getting. This is a no go for our family. I don. I don't think anyone. Okay. I got to do alright.
Mel Robbins (37:40):
My daughter is struggling with our move. I waited for this year so we could move her as a freshman in high school. She was settling in nicely, but didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with seeing all her friends back in our old state having fun and being dressed up along with no one yet to hang out with after school has her sad and anxious topping that her sister and best friend also left our house for college a couple weeks ago. This courageous girl is losing momentum, becoming unsure and lonely. Please help you two both look very sad.
Oakley Robbins (38:17):
I'm just thinking it over. That sucks. It's my homecoming weekend as well.
Mel Robbins (38:25):
Oh, right now
Oakley Robbins (38:26):
I'm missing the dance. Yeah, but wait, did she still go to the dance?
Mel Robbins (38:34):
No.
Chris Robbins (38:36):
Very different story though. You're a senior. Everyone we're talking about a freshman new school.
Oakley Robbins (38:42):
Well moving
Chris Robbins (38:42):
New town,
Oakley Robbins (38:44):
Moving freshman year if she had a bunch of friends that she used to know, I feel like a move is always going to be hard regardless. And also homecoming is only a month into school. So I mean, high school isn't the movie that you see every now and then where it's like the new girl comes in and she's stunning and then the perfect boy wants to go to homecoming with her. And so if you've been at school for a month and you've barely met people, it's understandable that you may not have a date to the homecoming. And it's also your freshman year and you have plenty more homecomings to look forward to when you do have a date. But I mean, do we know if she's trying to make friends or is she just sitting around?
Mel Robbins (39:36):
I think she's doing what a lot of people do when they get to college too and they look at their other friends having fun online compare and she's comparing and she doesn't have a friend group yet and she didn't have a date to homecoming.
Kendall Robbins (39:49):
Okay, I have an idea, let's go. Well, I think first and foremost, she needs to give herself some grace and understand that it's not going to happen overnight. I think even if you are networking and trying to make as many new friends as you possibly could, but also don't lose your spark. Keep putting yourself out there. As hard as that is
Oakley Robbins (40:12):
Freshman year, there's so many opportunities to meet people and so you have a full year to meet a bunch of people. And I wouldn't compare yourself to your friends who already have their friend group back home like you have moved. So you're in a completely new space, new people and all your friends are in an old place with old people who they already know. So it's not like they're moving faster than you are. They've just had 10 extra years with these people and you have known these people for the first time. So like Kendall said, have some grace and just branch out and meet new people.
Kendall Robbins (40:46):
Yeah and see it as maybe change your perspective on it and start to see it as an opportunity to expand your world and make even more amazing friends. And think about the friend group that you had where you lived before and tell yourself that you can find that here too.
Mel Robbins (41:05):
Here's my take on it. Change is really hard. It's going to take a year. It's going to take an entire school year to feel comfortable being at that new school. And oftentimes when we're confronted and scared, we avoid facing the things we're scared of. And it's very easy to sit on your phone and look at the lives of your old friends. And that's easier than putting yourself out there in the new school. And so every small thing that you can do from joining a club to taking classes that are more creative because you're going to be around more creative kids to showing up the dance without a date, to hanging out with other kids that are new in the school, to sitting at different tables in the lunchroom, to inviting people over to your house so you can find your people. Every single one of those moves is going to feel hard and it's going to take a year and you should expect it. And when you expect that it's going to take a year to feel like you belong at a new school, you will have more grace for yourself.
Oakley Robbins (42:22):
I'm a senior mentor at my school right now, which just means I have a group of first years that I look after and what I've taken away so far is just that everybody's going through stuff. Everybody has something going on. So you are a hundred percent not alone in this.
Mel Robbins (42:35):
That's a good perspective. I think when you're new, you think everybody's got it figured out. So oak, I think you've done such an awesome job today. You want to do the sign off right now? I mean, Kendall's already left the room, so do you want to do a sign off?
Oakley Robbins (42:47):
No, I'm good. I'll just sit back and judge you this time.
Mel Robbins (42:50):
Stop. Well, alrighty then. I had an amazing time with you listening and with our family here today. We had a ton of laughs and so many amazing insights. I'm really proud of how you guys show up, so thank you. And there were not as many petty arguments and disagreements as I thought. And if you are seeing family today, I want you to remember that no matter how everybody shows up to whatever you're doing at Thanksgiving or over the holidays, they may be going through something. So just show up with a little grace. Chelsea and her son remind us of that. Or maybe they've had a tough start to the morning like me and Kendall, oh, she's back. Or maybe they need some space. So as much as my family really trash the red light, green light tip, I like it. So look for some green lights and you always have the green light to hang out with us.
Oakley Robbins (43:42):
Of course, anytime, any day, any week. I guess I'll take over the ending now. So if nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationship with your family members. Now go and do it and save me some of those Thanksgiving leftovers, especially the mashed potatoes and some gravy. Oh, it's my favorite.
Mel Robbins (44:04):
Oh, I love you and I want to tell you that I love you too. We'll talk to you in a few days. Happy Thanksgiving. Woo. Thanks for watching here on YouTube. And if you loved this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, you're going to want to watch this one next. It's awesome.
Key takeaways
When someone you love is upset, don’t fix it. Just stay neutral, let them be, and trust that emotions pass faster when you stop trying to control them.
The “let them” theory only works if you actually let go. Stop managing guilt, stop tiptoeing, and allow others to sit in whatever they’re feeling.
If you give love with strings attached, like guilt trips, silent treatments, reminders of what you’ve done, you’re teaching that love has a price.
Slammed doors and silence aren’t always hate. They’re sometimes just a kid’s way of saying, “I’m hurt and don’t know how to talk about it.”
The tool called “Red Light, Green Light” gives your family a language for emotional space: say “red light” when you need quiet, “green light” when you're open to talking.
Resources
-
- Harvard Business Review: How to Reach Out to Someone You Admire
- New York Times: 7 ways to reset your relationship
- Harvard Law School: Repairing relationships using negotiation skills
- Ohio State University: Study on adult children estrangement
- Washington Post: Should parents apologize to their kids?
- British Broadcasting Corporation: Is bigger always better?
- Harvard University: How We Argue: Strategies for Disagreeing
- Harvard Law School: Conflict resolution in the family
- Forbes: How To Let Go Of Guilt To Avoid It Bringing You Down
- The University of Kansas: Why is emotional expression important?
- Huffington Post: 10 Things I've Learned From Being the New Kid
- Forbes: You Probably Need More Friends—Here’s How To Make Them
2 Million Readers.
1 Life-Changing Newsletter
Simple and Straight-to-the-Point...
Just Like Mel.
