Transform Your Life at Any Moment: The Surprising Science of Happiness

(16:23):

You read the book, you listen to your music, you just mindlessly scroll on your phone. Whatever it is that you normally do that involves not looking at anybody else or making eye contact or talk because nobody does, right? That's your assignment. The other group, okay, the second group, here's your assignment. You have to strike up a conversation with a stranger who is sitting near you during the commute. And here's where it gets interesting. Before they put the two groups on the commuter train, they asked the groups, okay, how much do you think you're going to enjoy the assignment? And of course, the people who were told you got to talk to strangers, they were literally like, I'm not going to enjoy this at all. This is going to completely blow. Wait till you hear what happened. Because when the whole assignment was over and they asked both groups, the people who literally just read their books and didn't talk to anybody, and the people who were forced to talk to strangers, okay, how do you feel after your commute?

 

(17:15):

You're not going to believe what people said. The people who were forced to talk to strangers were way happier than the people who just sat there and did what they normally do, and they were not just happier by the way. They were way happier. Why? Well, the researchers are here to tell you why that unexpected connections energize you. And here you and I are thinking it's awkward. You know what it is? It's actually awesome. These unexpected conversations make you feel like you belong. They make you feel like you matter. And if you stop and think about it, it makes sense because you're not sitting there on autopilot ignoring the rest of humanity. Once you start talking to someone, what happens? It's like you come alive because the life force energy inside you sparks, and you also under predict how happy a random conversation with a stranger will make you feel.

 

(18:09):

Instead, you're sitting here thinking, oh, it's going to be a mess. It's going to be awkward. You talk yourself out of it and you want to know what else is cool. The research shows it not only makes you happier, it makes the stranger happier too. And so many of you write in and you're like, Mel, Mel, Mel, will you do an episode about your secrets to success? One of these days? I will, but I'm going to tell you something. Going first and talking to strangers is one of my secrets to success because I believe every single stranger could become a good friend, a connection, a business partner. 

(19:01):

I might ask them what they ordered. I might compliment their shoes or compliment something that they're wearing or like Sawyer did in the hostel, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Just say, Hey, hello. Honestly, I live by this. I talk to everyone, the barista. I talk to people who are in the front of the line with me. I always talk to people in the elevator always. I am not the kind of person that gets in an elevator and stares at the door and just kind of, I literally, good morning. Hey everybody, how you doing? And it's amazing. It's like watching popcorn. Oh, good, how you doing? How you doing? Okay. Even just that little banter picks you up walking the dog. Anytime I pass someone, hi, people at the gym, Hey, how you doing? The chatting with the person on the customer support phone. By the way, this one actually is kind of interesting because if you are ever on the phone with somebody who's doing customer support and they pick up the phone and you're like, Hey, how you doing?

 

(19:52):

It's a little startling for the person because most people don't actually ask like they care. And by the way, when you go first, when you lean in, when you compliment their nails or ask what the name of their dog is, or you ask 'em what their favorite thing to order is, it says a lot about you. It says that you the kind of person who's willing to make a connection, that you are the kind of person who's interested in other people, and you don't have to act like you're running for mayor and shake hands and chat with every person you meet and hold all the babies and stuff, but you can do a little more than you do it right now, right? Because I really want you to wake up and realize that you're playing it safe and boring right now. You're on your phone during your commute, you're staring at social media while you're waiting in line at the coffee shop, and here you are missing out on all these opportunities for connection that bring you energy, that give you a little boost of happiness, that make you healthier, and that could just change the trajectory of your life.

 

(21:09):

Just imagine if I were to secretly film you throughout the day, I were to follow you with hidden cameras, you didn't realize you were being filmed. Just imagine looking at the footage of you going throughout your day. You know what you would see? You would see that you are closed off. You would see that you are walking around and there's all these people walking by you and sitting around you and you're not talking to 'em, that you're giving signals, that you're not open to a conversation. You would see that you are buried in your phone instead of looking up and looking around, and you'll see that you're missing so many opportunities to connect with people. You feeling lonely? Here's how you actually address it. Start going first. Start saying hello to people. Start tapping into that energy and those little boosts that are all around you.

 

(22:04):

You're not going to feel so lonely. Here's your assignment from your friend Mel Robbins. We're going to borrow from the researchers at the University of Chicago and those people that were in the group that were required to talk to strangers. Your assignment from me, Mel, is to say hello to one person you pass today. That's it. That's it. I want you to notice how it feels. How does it feel to turn to the person next to you at the coffee shop and spark a conversation with them instead of just staring at your phone? How does it feel to talk to somebody that you don't know standing on the sidelines as you watch one of your kids play soccer? How does it feel to sit down next to somebody at work that you've never met before and just have lunch? See researchers say that you and I can divide relationships into two categories, weak ties and strong ties.

 

(23:05):

Now, strong ties are obvious. They're the people you see all the time, coworkers, family members, close friends, neighbors, they know your birthday, your favorite color. They can guess what you're going to eat for lunch today. They know what book you're reading, and here you and I pour all of our energy into those relationships and we miss out on this second category of people who make your life really meaningful. And that is weak ties. And weak ties are a group of people that I want you to start to pay a lot more attention to. These are people who you don't know that well. You're building superintendent, the person who works like five offices over from you that isn't in the same department. The person that you pass in the hallway, in the dorm, in the apartment building, or that maybe lives in another floor, but you actually ride the elevator with them or pass 'em in the hallway, your child's teacher, your yoga instructor.

 

(23:58):

These are all weak ties that have the potential to make you much happier than you are right now. How? By leaning in, caring a little bit more by being interested. And let me just hit you with a little more research on why this matters so much. And this comes 

(25:26):

It's honestly kind of incredible. And so now that you've got your assignment to talk to somebody and the research about how a weak connection and these random conversations and interactions make you feel better in the moment, and that adds up to feeling better in your life, what you're going to see over and over and over again is that the more that you do it on a small scale and you make yourself feel better in the moment because you're now going about your day in a different way, you're like, why would I look at my phone all day if it's draining my energy and making me feel like crap and making me feel like I'm missing out? When I could literally go first and lean in and say hello to strangers all around me, and I'm like, boom, boom, boom, boom, giving myself some positivity and I'm lifting myself up.

 

(26:14):

Now you see that this all adds up to experiencing life at a totally different level. That the person in a towel in the flip flops with her shower caddy at the hostel could actually become a travel companion for four months and one of the best friends in your life that these connections are everywhere around you waiting for you to go first. And so now I want to jump into the second story and just make this even bigger because this one is between two people who have never even met in real life, 

(27:18):

He also had lost his wife, so he is a widower. He's living alone, and he has this experience where he is driving the car and he hits a deer. And if that's ever happened to you, it's actually terrifying because of course it hurts the animal. It can hurt you, it can also do a lot of damage to your car, which is what happened to Al. And so he was really shaken up after it happened, and he called his representative Cheryl, who works for Amica, and they're talking on the phone, and it was very apparent that Cheryl cared about Al. Now they've never met in person, like we're talking about two people talking on the phone. And what happened next in this chance unexpected encounter over the phone was so moving that Al's grandson, Joe wrote a letter about it.

 

(28:16):

He says, my name is Joe, and I'm writing you this note in regard to my grandfather who lives in a rural town in Maine. He recently hit a deer resulting in an auto claim, and over the course of the claim, Cheryl who was his representative, was very pleasant to work with and got to know him a bit. Now my grandfather's 92 years old and lives alone in his home. While his friends in the community are good to him and invitations to share the holidays with him, his home still lacks the hustle and bustle and coming and going of family that so many of us take for granted around the holidays. Of course, in some ways that can make the season hard to get through. That being said, Cheryl, who has never met my grandfather in person, gave him a wonderful gift this year that filled not only his home but his heart with Christmas spirit, she went out of her way to get a Christmas card from my grandfather, and then had an army of people at the Amica Concord office all sign it, wishing my grandfather well, then she called him on Christmas day just to wish him a merry Christmas.

 

(29:29):

Of course, his family and friends had also reached out to him as expected to wish him well. But I believe it was this simple, selfless act of kindness and compassion that most filled his heart and brought to his house a spirit that had been absent this year. And I wanted to thank you for that. Cheryl, my grandfather asked that I leave you a copy of something he wrote 70 years ago as a gift in return for your kind gesture. My grandfather was a very successful businessman who had a long and impressive career, but it wasn't always that way. When my mom was a baby and even a toddler, they had very little and one of their favorite Christmases as a family. And December of 1950, my grandfather could only afford a little doll for my mom and no presents for his young wife, no big Christmas dinner with a roast.

 

(30:27):

So he wrote this piece entitled The Gift, and he gave it to my grandmother as the only gift he could give. Oh my God. Okay. I don't know if I would get through this. I think I needed the Kleenexes in times of little and times of plenty. It has always been a reminder that true acts of love, kindness, and compassion are the real lasting gifts we give one another. Thank you so much for your act of kindness that truly brought brightness to the world and warm to heart. And then he included this poem that Al had written in 1950 called The Gift. And here it is, so many gifts with the passing of time are soon broken, torn, or fade away. They serve a single purpose and are then forgotten or put aside like all material things. They're substance and as such, bring joy and happiness only for the present moment.

 

(31:28):

But there is a gift that you will not see beneath our tree this year, Christmas Day. When the gifts are unwrapped and taken away, it will still remain until it is slowly seeped into the souls of those we love. For it is not of substance. It is a gift of love wrapped in dreams, dreams of now. Tomorrow it is tied tightly with a ribbon of faith which will never be undone and with a bow of compassion. For we are sensitive souls. This love is the greatest gift I can offer. And unlike material things, it will never break, tear or fade away by giving it becomes only stronger and everlasting. Please accept this humble thought to nourish our love through another year and God willing within our entwined souls forever.

 

(32:29):

It's true that love is the greatest gift you can offer, and it is by giving it, it becomes stronger and everlasting. And I think that's what you're doing when you go first, when you lean in, when you're the one that cares about somebody else, and the story shows you that you don't even have to be in person to lean into the power of this unexpected connection. Cheryl's actions show the real impact human connection and empathy can have, and you're even feeling it now that you're hearing the story, aren't you? That as I get all choked up, that you feel your own heart swell, and that is the phenomenon I was talking about, that the positive emotions spread from one person to another, 

(36:01):

And so now they keep getting emails that are meant for you over and over because people keep replying. Is it annoying or is this an unexpected connection? Well, that's exactly what happened to my mother-in-law, Judie Robbins. See, one day, one of Judie's sons sent an email to Judie, but he accidentally left one letter out. He misspelled the email, and all of a sudden, who received that message from Judie's son, another woman whose email was the same, but only one letter different. What happened next? Well, this stranger responded back to Judie's son, and tell you what, I'm going to let my mother-in-law, Judie tell you the story.

 

Judie Robbins (36:51):

One of my boys got an email from this woman saying, I just want to let you know I'm not your mother. And so one of the boys had written me a note but had dropped off this one letter and she got it.

 

Mel Robbins (37:10):

So they sent you a note and they sent it to the wrong email address because they had just misspelled the email address and dropped off one letter and it ends up going to this person,

 

Judie Robbins (37:21):

Stranger, this stranger.

 

Mel Robbins (37:22):

And so she sends the email

 

Judie Robbins (37:24):

Back, and so she sent an email back to this person, which was one of the boys, I don't know who was saying, just want to let you know I'm not your mother. Your mother must have a different email address. Then I got several of them started to pick up, and it was really funny, she wrote to one of the women that I'm in a book club with, and she started off by saying, I'd love to come to your book club, but unfortunately I can't. I live in France in Paris, so please tell Judie that this is my email and that's hers. And so this went on and on and on. By then we were writing each other,

 

Mel Robbins (38:01):

What's her

 

Judie Robbins (38:02):

Name? Juliet.

 

Mel Robbins (38:03):

So Juliette, so Juliet is over in France, and occasionally when people are trying to reach Judie Robbins here in the United States, they misspell your email. It ends up going to Juliet in France.

 

Judie Robbins (38:15):

She then forwards it to you and YouTube. Oh no, she started just answering them. She started answering, which would copy me, can't come to your book club, which I could. One point in time she got a receipt for all my cosmetics that I got from Neiman Marcus, and then she said, I'd love to try eye cream, but I'm not going to pay your bill. Just so she had gotten this receipt as I sent it to the wrong. Anyway, this has been going on for oh, close to 15 years.

 

Mel Robbins (38:47):

15 years,

 

Judie Robbins (38:48):

Yeah, quite a while. And so we became friends, pen pals, I guess is what you'd say. So we would write each other back and forth. So I looked her up actually and found out that she's American and she went to college here in America and lives in Paris. And I dunno if she ever looked me up, but she wouldn't have gotten as much information as I got of her. She's very, very well read and she teaches. When one of my granddaughters was going over to Paris, I said, you've got to look up Juliet. So I wrote Juliet and said she was coming over and sweet as could be. Of course, she took her out to dinner with her friends, took her to her apartment in Paris. Anyway, last year we met up in Vermont in Woodstock and had lunch

 

Mel Robbins (39:34):

And what was that like?

 

Judie Robbins (39:35):

It was amazing. She's your age

 

Mel Robbins (39:39):

In her fifties.

 

Judie Robbins (39:40):

Yep. Three kids. She actually grew up in the state of Vermont, believe it or not. Wow. A farm. And she comes back all the time because her mother is in a retirement home in Hanover.

 

Mel Robbins (39:55):

So this experience of meeting a stranger over in Europe via a email address error and then becoming pen pals for 15 years and then meeting in real life, what did this teach you?

 

Judie Robbins (40:15):

Well, I've said it so many times and it's such a cliche, but I think everything happens for a reason. And she came into my life as another friend and we just had so much fun. I'll tell you, one of her emails was so wonderful. I wrote to her and I was saying, it's a beautiful summer night and I'm having a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and thinking about you. And she wrote back the next quite quickly and said, well, I'm in Burgundy having a wonderful class of burgundy, and they have a summer house somewhere out there in the countryside. So it's been wonderful to get to know her. She's a lovely person.

 

Mel Robbins (41:01):

I think that there are opportunities to make connections all around us, and we completely minimize the fact that somebody having an email address that's one letter off and that exchange that could have literally been, Hey, I keep getting your emails. Could you please let everybody know that? It's just that cutting off communication versus leaning in with a sense of warmth and humor opened up the store to a 15 year long friendship.

 

Judie Robbins (41:31):

Well, she was very open. I mean, she could have been really irritated by it all.

 

Mel Robbins (41:35):

Yes, and I think that's the point is that when these random things happen, maybe instead of seeing it as an inconvenience, see it as the universe opening the door

 

Judie Robbins (41:45):

Door fall in rather than,

 

Mel Robbins (41:46):

Yeah, fall in rather than falling out. Genius. You know what I love about what Judie said? She said, Juliet could have been annoyed by it and just think about it. 

(42:47):

She then forwards your emails to you in a way that just is so open and good, making sure that you're getting your emails. And what about Juliet here, this random woman who is 30 years older than her, suddenly she's got a connection with through Vermont. That is so cool. I just love this story. And one of the reasons why I love this story, because you can see how your attitude in these moments of an unexpected connection mean everything. And Judie, just as you learned through the story with our daughter, Sawyer earlier, not only turned something from cold to warm, but they turned warm into a lifelong friendship out of thin air. Why? Because someone went first. In the case of Judie's story, Juliet went first. She leaned in, Sawyer went first, said Hello. You strike up a conversation, you're not taking life so seriously. And when you're open, you're open to connection.

(44:35):

It's so hot out. I'm like, oh, the snack bar? Yeah, yeah, I got the sandwich is not that bad. You know that kind of thing. And now you and I know that these things, they can just kind of fizzle out kind of quickly, and that's exactly what happened in this situation. But when it was time to go and Ostrich started packing up and she was on her way out, rich, the dad literally walked up to her with his wife and said, Hey, how about you guys? Come on over for brunch. I mean, our kids got along. And in honesty, ostrich thought, okay, this is a little much to go from standing in Shinde water to a brunch date. But she didn't want to be rude. So she said yes, she got home. She marked it on her calendar. She told her husband about it and completely forgot about it.

 

(45:23):

In fact, when the brunch date arrived several weeks later and she saw it on the calendar, you know what her reaction was? Oh my God, what brunch? Ostrich couldn't remember who it was that invited them to brunch. I mean, she couldn't remember the dad's name. She couldn't remember their faces, plus she didn't want to go. No one wanted to get out of their pajamas and go to this stupid brunch. But I got to tell you what, I got to give her props because she forced her family to go. I mean, can you imagine? You load your family up, nobody wants to go. You can't even remember the dad's name. And now you're standing on the front stoop of this house of these people that you don't know. You're raising your fist and knocking on the door, racking your brain, trying to remember what they look like.

 

(46:14):

And not only was it a surprise that that afternoon having brunch with some random family that they met at the pool, it was magical. They clicked instantly. The conversation flowed so easily, it was nonstop. And check this out, they found out that both couples lived in Chicago at the same time when they were in graduate school, and then they found out that they were in Mexico in the 1980s at the same time. And their paths must have crossed without them knowing because the amount of shared experiences. And then as they're having brunch, ostrich and rich, wait, hear this? They find out that they have the same birthday. And I'm talking not only the same day, but the exact same year. Don't you fricking love it when you meet your birthday twin? I mean, how cool is this? I love this stuff and it doesn't end there.

 

(47:09):

Check this out. Ostrich is an interior designer and designer of custom headboards and rich loves flipping houses. And that was the start of another magical connection. A few conversations later, ostrich and rich felt like there was an opportunity that they just couldn't ignore, and they started a house flipping business together. Their skills just complimented each other perfectly. And for years, they ran a successful house flipping business, and they called it same day, same year. I love that story because what if you not only took everything that you're learning about how you can use these unexpected connections and see strangers as way to bring more joy and energy and meaning in your day-to-day life, but what if you look at it as something even deeper, that it's almost like a scavenger hunt of people where there are people you're meant to meet that in the process of bumping up the energy and saying hello and leaning in and being that kind of positive person, spreading the ripple of positivity, that's how you're going to find the person that you're meant to meet next. And if you really think about the story, doesn't it feel like something had been trying to pull them together all along?

 

(48:35):

There's no doubt in my mind that they did cross paths in Mexico, but no one went first. There's no doubt in my mind that they did meet in Chicago, but nobody leaned in. But that day at the community pool, that unexpected connection, that was the day. And to think it always begins the same way with a simple hello and a conversation. And that leads to connection and curiosity and just feeling good. And that leads to invitation on a whim to brunch and a willingness to see what's on the other side of the door. And often what you'll find is beyond your wildest dreams. And that leads me to our final story of Jamal Hinton and Wanda Dench, and much like Judie and Juliette's friendship, which began with a misspelled email. 

(50:41):

So this is where it starts to get real because Wanda sends her picture. And so I want you to imagine she's a really pretty woman. Big smile, grayish hair. She looks like an awesome grandma. And Jamal sends his photo back and he looks like a high school athlete. Big smile. It's awesome. And then he writes below his picture, you're not my grandma with the shocked face emoji and the laughing emoji, but then he adds, and I love this. Can I still get a plate though? And Wanda does not miss a beat. She texts, of course, that's what grandmas do, they feed everyone. Talk about an unexpected connection just like Juliet. Wanda leaned in and so did Jamal. And guess what? Jamal ended up coming to Thanksgiving dinner with Wanda's family. Now, can you imagine the conversation Wanda had with her family about how she invited a total stranger to Thanksgiving because she texted the wrong person, and can you imagine how nervous Jamal was knock, knock, knocking on the door of a total stranger for Thanksgiving?

 

(51:45):

In fact, I bet it was a bit awkward for everyone, but remember what the research proves. It goes so much better than you expect, and it sure did. It always does. See Wanda and her husband Lonnie were instant friends with Jamal, and eventually Jamal and his girlfriend began going on regular double dates with Wanda and Lonnie. That's how strong the connection became. They posted online about this unexpected Thanksgiving text gone wrong connection, and it went so viral. You maybe are now starting to go, I think I remember this. And why does it go viral? Because you and I, we love the story of how an unexpected stranger can become a very close friend and get this. Wanda Lonnie, Jamal, his girlfriend McKayla, along with Wanda and Lonnie's family, go on to spend four straight years of Thanksgiving together. And every year they post about it online with new selfies, and every year it goes viral.

 

(52:48):

And then 2020, Lonnie Wanda's husband passed away. And that absolutely meant that things would be different at the dinner table at Thanksgiving. But that unexpected connection that Wanda and Jamal shared was even stronger. The next year, they had a picture of Lonnie at the table and carried on with the tradition of having Thanksgiving dinner. And this past year marked the eighth Thanksgiving that Jamal and Wanda spent together. I think this connection is so inspiring. They share a Thanksgiving selfie every single year, and the world loves it. In fact, if you're listening to this, go to YouTube and you can watch this episode and see all the photos and all the pictures. It's really fricking cool, and we edited it all into the video version of the podcast. But just stop and think about why this heartwarming story about the unexpected friendship between Jamal and Wanda has struck a chord around the world.

 

(53:55):

I think it shows how much we all crave connection, how he would all love to be welcomed with open arms like family. Their story shows how you and I are wired to be with people, to give love, to share love, and to open your arms and open the door and share your life with other people. But what I really love about their story is that it proves that

(54:58):

Today, I wanted to be darn sure I told you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a more meaningful life. Now, go do it. I'll talk to you in a few days, and I want to thank you for being here with me on YouTube. If you loved this conversation today and how could you not please hit subscribe, it tells me that you're really enjoying what I'm doing, and it also supports me in being able to bring you more amazing content at zero cost. And I know you're looking for something awesome to watch. So I want you to check out this video because it's going to help you strengthen those warm relationships into some of the best deep friendships that you have in your adult life. Check it out.