Episode: 230
How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy
a Solo Episode
Right now, your worries are stealing the joy and peace you deserve.
So many things are out of your control – whether it’s global events, elections, a health diagnosis, or news you’re waiting on.
In this deeply personal episode, Mel is sharing her best tools to deal with overthinking and negative thoughts.
And by the time you finish listening, you’ll feel more calm, grounded, and ready to handle whatever challenge comes your way.
Listen on:
It feels like the world is holding in one big breath, but today you and I are going to exhale.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:00):
My husband and I went away. We went all the way to Bali, so we're flying back. All of a sudden the plane starts. I'm now convincing myself we're about to die. The captain's like,
Plane Captain (Mel) (00:00:13):
Can the attendants please take their seats
Mel Robbins (00:00:15):
My husband was sitting there like a Buddhist statue as I am having a full blown I'm about to die moment in my seat, which goes to show you something even when everything is major, high stakes, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. I think a lot about that moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friend's funeral. He was like the second father to our daughter, and so I remember just consciously put my hand on my heart and just said, we're going to get through this, and I was able to show up for my daughter in a way that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been just dreading it.
(00:01:01):
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am so excited that you are here with me. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you, and if you're brand new, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robs podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here and I know that you're the kind of person who values your time and you're interested in learning about simple ways that you can improve your life, and I love that you chose this episode because we're going to talk about a topic that feels heavy, but we're going to unpack it in a way that is going to be so empowering and I wanted to talk about the topic of dread for a number of reasons. The first reason is because here in the United States there are two things going on that people are dreading.
(00:01:42):
One is the fact that it's the time of year where we turn the clocks back, and so it is literally dark at four o'clock in the afternoon at least where I live, and people dread this. The other thing that's going on right now is we're in the middle of a very contentious election, and I got to just say right off the bat, we are not going to have a political conversation today. This show is a respite from all the tension and politics and scary news that's going on globally, but all of these things, whether you're listening in the US or you're listening in a country where there's contentious politics or you're torn apart by war or there's something going on in your family, we all have experiences where there are things going on outside of us that feel way beyond our control, and in those moments in life, whether it's winter coming, whether it's something extremely important like an election and how that's going to impact people and their rights and what's going to happen and how it impacts the economy at a national or global level, these are really important issues.
(00:02:50):
Maybe you have somebody in your family that's gotten a health diagnosis or you have or maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with somebody maybe breaking up with somebody. Maybe you need to talk to somebody about their drinking or you're worried about 'em. Maybe you need to give somebody feedback at work or you have a huge test or presentation coming up and you're bracing and you're dreading it.
Mel Robbins (00:03:16):
I want to talk about this experience that is extremely normal and it happens more in your day than you realize it, which is bracing and dreading something that is happening around you, whether it's global, whether it's national, whether it's seasonal, whether it's in your family, whether it's at work, whether it's in your love life. Heck, you might just be dreading the fact that you sent a text to somebody a couple of days ago and they haven't responded, and I had this experience recently that made me think about this because my husband and I went away and it's the first trip we've taken together where we've gone away for more than a long weekend.
(00:04:07):
No kids, no friends, no kind of work to do while we're traveling. No family to visit first time. Chris and I have gone away for more than three days, a long weekend in 28 years. The last time we did this, we were going on our honeymoon, and so we go away and we went somewhere spectacular. We went all the way to Bali and it sounds so sexy and it was absolutely amazing and it's a place I've always wanted to go. And one of the great things about traveling for work for so long is I have a bajillion airline points. That's the only good thing about traveling for work. And so we go all the way to Indonesia, we have this fantastic time where we do nothing. We run a scooter, we're driving around in the jungle, we are doing yoga classes, we're reconnecting. Turns out I really like Chris after 30 years of being together, we really like each other and I'm really excited now about all this time that we can spend together.
(00:05:08):
So we're flying back and we have to take two flights. This is like a 26 hour trip and I'm just talking the amount of time we have to spend in planes. So we fly from Indonesia to Dubai and these planes, I'm like a kid on these planes. These are the biggest planes I have ever seen in my entire life. I had never been on a plane. That's a double decker. I didn't know there were planes that have staircases. I mean, that's unbelievable. And so we get onto the plane and both planes, both ways are double deckers. It's literally walking into a shopping mall that lifts off the ground and flies. It is just fantastical to me that human beings have figured out how to take something that big and get it off the ground and keep it in the air for that long. I mean, it is just mind blowing.
(00:06:12):
So I'm just super excited and I'm not a nervous flyer at all. I've flown so much. I've gotten over my fear of flying, and so we are on the fourth flight. We have gone to Indonesia. We have had our amazing trip. We have flown the first leg back. We changed planes in Dubai. I know we have a ton of fans that listened to the show in Dubai. So hi, a lot of you said hello in the airport, true about Indonesia too. Lots of fans. So it was so fun to meet you guys. We are on the final flight home. I am so excited. We are three hours out from landing at JFK. We are on the double decker. We're up top. This is so fun. Chris is sitting next to me and the cool thing about a plane this big, these suckers don't move. This is flying on a stick of butter. I mean this sucker is cutting through the air. There's no bounce, there's no nothing, there's nothing. So we are over Iceland, hello to our fans in Iceland, and all of a sudden the plane starts. It's like you're on a boat, you got a light chop, right? Not a big deal. Then it starts to feel like you got rollers coming. So it's now this sensation, this thing's the size of a shopping mall. I mean, this is a big object for it to be going up and down some rollers in the sky, and that's one trick that I use when there's turbulence is I just close my eyes and I think about being on a boat, choppy water, choppy air. All of a sudden the captain's like,
Plane Captain (Mel) (00:07:44):
Can the attendants please take their seats. Take their seats, please, take their seats.
Mel Robbins (00:07:46):
And there's, I'm like one of these people that's hypervigilant. So I'm like, is that alarm in their voice? I'm detecting a little bit of nervousness When that happens, I start looking for cues. So now I'm looking as the at attendants are racing down the aisles for hints of nervousness. Are they concerned? Do they look scared? And there was definitely how when if you've ever valet parked your car and you come out to get that and there's the valet jog where they sort of trot to get the car, they're not running. This was faster than a valet trot. So a little bit of speed in there and I'm like, okay, slightly concerned, okay, because I'm already slightly concerned that we've gone from light chop to this shopping mall in the sky is now starting to go up and down. I want to tell you, this is the worst turbulence I've ever been in my life.
(00:08:48):
This plane and this sucker is huge, is swinging left to right through the air. It's not even going up and down. It's like you can see it swirling. And this is when I realized, oh my gosh, Helena, the hurricane, this is probably all that wind. Now the worst part of this, other than the fact that when this happens and you feel like the trays bouncing and people's luggage bouncing and the planes kind of going through weird things, shapes and stuff, the pilots are not saying anything. And I would just like to make a public service announcement to every airline and every pilot who may be listening and every pilot in your life, please send this to the pilots in your life and to the people that work at the airlines. Could you please train pilots to just give us a heads up? This is coming.
(00:09:52):
And if you simply just said, Hey, everybody just wanted to let you know we're about three hours out from JFK and due to the Helena, we got some strong wins and I think we're going to go through some pretty significant chop and some rock for the next 25 minutes. If you could just strap in and for the safety in a calm, smooth, velvety voice, I would've no problem. I'd put my headphones on. I'd be like, okay, you've told me the time. I don't have to worry about this. I now know with a certain level of certainty that we will survive. The pilots know this is coming and the pilots are actually in control, and so they're warning us about this, but when this stuff hits and there's that and there's that nervousness, literally I need to be wearing a diaper. At that point, I am like, what is happening?
(00:10:41):
And haven't you ever noticed that the second that they make that announcement and you're like, I now need to go to the bathroom, but now I can't get out of my seat and now I'm trapped with my bladder and the fact that I have to have diarrhea right now, I literally feel like I'm about to die. And that's exactly what happened. I didn't poop myself, but I started bracing and the worse the turbulence got and the more time that went, the more I just went south in my head. This sucker's going down. I am never going to see my children again. Why do we go to Indonesia in the first place? We didn't need to take a vacation. I should have stayed. I'm never going to see my daughter's wedding or meet my grandchildren. I'm never going to go. I just literally just go south and now I'm in full on brace mode. And the interesting thing is, my husband's been meditating for 15 years. The man was sitting there like a Buddhist statue with his eyes closed and his hands in a mudra. As I'm having a full blown brace, I'm about to die moment in my seat, which goes to show you something. You can choose how you respond to the things that are happening around you.
(00:12:00):
Chris was not allowing himself to get concerned. I, on the other hand was spiraling and in a state of bracing and dread and just like, oh my gosh. The thing that's interesting about this is I'm a very pragmatic and rational person, very logical person. Even though I'm super emotional, I could think in my head, okay, this is just the tailwinds or the winds from the hurricane. The likelihood is X, but I can't grasp those rational thoughts when I allow the dread and the brace to take over because I'm now convincing myself we're about to die.
(00:12:49):
The fact is that there is nothing I can do to change what's about to happen. I can't fly a plane. I can't change the weather. I can't change what the pilots are going to do. The only thing I have control over in that moment when I brace and dread and fear take over is what I can do and how I feel and what I allow myself to think about and what I don't in that moment. And seeing Chris so calm made me go, okay, let's just take a deep breath. And one of the first things that I did, because this is one of the things that I've learned over and over and over again, not only in the work that I do but with all of the people that we've talked with on the podcast, is that there are approaches in situations where there's a lot of uncertainty.
(00:13:49):
And again, if we go back to the broader topic of just uncertainty around you and what you can control and what you can't control, and even when everything is major, high stakes like a very big election or a country torn apart by war or a wedding that you need to call off or a diagnosis or a funeral, even in those situations, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. And what I have found in my life is that I'm very easily hijacked. I brace, I can slam on the brakes and hit the brace saying and do the alarm as better than anybody. It's like, let's go. But it doesn't help me. In fact, it hurts me and the worry that consumes me and the death spiral of the thoughts and the racing heart and the stress and the bracing and the whole mechanism that is your mind and then from the neck down your body, it actually hurts you in those moments.
(00:14:54):
And that's what I've found over and over and over again. I have avoided breaking up with people for over a year because I couldn't move through the dread. I have avoided getting out of bed at the worst moments of my life because I couldn't move through the dread. The dread is not the problem. It's that you allow it to consume you. I want to talk about the fact that there's another way to meet these moments. What happened on that plane is I tortured myself for probably 10 minutes and I death gripped Chris's hand, so my wet, slimy, sweaty. Now I'm grabbing the poor man and I'm basically, not only have I snapped him out of his mudra and his meditation state, but I'm almost breaking the digits on his hand as I'm gripping it. And he kind of snaps out of the meditation. I'm like, I'm really scared.
(00:15:50):
And he's like, let's breathe. And so he did this technique with me. You may know it, it's box breathing. It's just a simple technique. I even know this. And here's the thing, when you start bracing and when you dread something,
Mel Robbins (00:16:05):
What we're going to talk about today is that your physiology, your neurology, your psychology overrides everything that you know and you can't access your tools. But the tools work box breathing is four breaths in. Hold it, four breaths. Breathe out for four breaths, hold it for four breaths. That's it. That's all it is. 4, 4, 4, 4. It's a box. So Chris is like, and then he starts counting 1, 2, 3, 4, hold, 1, 2, 3, 4, out. 1, 2, 3, 4, hold, 1, 2, 3, 4. And so we get into this rhythm and the thing about box breathing is it signals to your body that you're okay because you're slowing your breathing. And when you're bracing what you'll notice, if you've ever had to break up with somebody that walk up to their apartment or up to the public cafe that you're meeting them at because you know don't want to be alone when they explode at you and you want to be able to get out of there after you've had the conversation and said what you need to said, you want to go, you don't want to be trapped where they are that walk up.
(00:17:26):
Oh man, you don't even breathe on the way there because you're bracing walking into a hospital to have a procedure. You're bracing turbulence on a plane, bracing, waiting for election results, bracing, waiting for winter to clum bracing. Very normal experience. But I'm here to tell you and teach you what you can do in moments when it feels like the world is spiraling out of control or your family is or your heart is, and you're dreading what you need to face and you're scared about how things are going to turn out or you're avoiding it because you don't want to have to face it. There's another way, there's a better way. And there are simple tools that we're going to teach you today that I use when I can remember and that you can use because I'll tell you what happened with the plane. Nothing. The captain came on and she started talking and the co-captain came on and he started talking and they were really like, Hey, sorry about that.
(00:18:27):
Super casual. I'm like, what? I've been sitting here literally, I've got a movie in my mind that you guys are freaking out and you're so busy touching all the dials up there. They got no time to make an announcement for the normal people back here who are literally freaking out and planning their funerals and texting everybody that they love. I love you, which I did. I sent the I Love You chat in the family. I'm so proud of all of you. Didn't want to worry them by saying, I think the plane's going to go down. You don't want to do that, right? So I've got this whole story in my mind that wasn't true. They're just up there bouncing and riding the waves and doing I don't know what, and they're like, Hey, sorry. Hey, sorry about that. We're looking for some light air and next thing you know, we got 10 more minutes.
(00:19:13):
I'm good with that. I let go of Chris's hands and it's crumpled up now because I've been death gripping it like Iron Man. He goes back to the mudras in the meditating and I put my headphones on and I start listening to my book again. And that's how quickly you can settle yourself. If you understand the wave that comes and you understand that you have control and you understand how to settle your body and then you pay attention to the input that you need so that you can redirect your own thoughts, yes, you will be hijacked. No, you do not have to stay there. And in fact, I don't want you to because you bracing doesn't help. It actually hurts you and you have more power when you learn how to settle into these moments and stay present and calm and focused on what's within your reach and isn't. That's exactly what we're going to talk about today.
Mel Robbins (00:20:17):
And so we were talking about this as a team and there's a new member of our team named Phil who has joined us as a producer and he started sharing this story about something that had happened in his life that was personal, that related to dread. And so I was like, Phil, how about you hop on the mic with me tomorrow morning, let's talk about this. And he was like, game on, let's go. And so Phil, welcome to the Mel Robs podcast.
Phil (00:20:44):
Thank you. It's an honor, Mel.
Mel Robbins (00:20:45):
So Phil, I would love to start with, why don't you just share the story about what's going on in your life that had you feeling this sense of dread?
Phil (00:20:58):
Sure. My father, a very stoic guy, doesn't tell you when he's having a problem, just gets on with the day, but he started to take a turn in. His health wasn't feeling very good, and eventually we got an answer and the answer was he was diagnosed with cancer. This was about a month ago now. The doctor told him it's very treatable and immediately allayed any dread he had in the moment about that just by giving him the facts. But then he said, let's do a pet scan just to make sure it hasn't spread.
Mel Robbins (00:21:34):
Okay,
Phil (00:21:35):
That's like three weeks away. You don't go right into the hospital and get the PET scan. You're on a list. You wait.
Mel Robbins (00:21:41):
Okay, so now let's go to that moment. What happens for you, Phil, when okay, your dad gets a cancer diagnosis, everybody tenses up and starts bracing, okay, now it's a treatable cancer. Now we're relaxed. Now we're back into the PET scan. What happens for you when dread hits you?
Phil (00:21:58):
Right? So well in that moment, the diagnosis to begin with your brain immediately goes to the worst case scenario. This is it. It's going to be horrible, all of that stuff. But I try to take control very quickly of that by saying, you know what? I have no control over that. He doesn't have control over that, but let's see what we can control. And what's that? It's paying attention to your doctor. It's shutting out the noise from what the medical sites say online. It's maybe not even listening to your friends who are well-intentioned but might be leading you down a wrong path. Your advice, it's focusing on the parts of your health that you know can control. Eating, right, going for a walk, meditating, and that's all you can do.
Mel Robbins (00:22:46):
That's true. So when they said pet scan and now you got three weeks of the unknown, what happens for you when you feel yourself dreading?
Phil (00:22:53):
Well, I go back to that place where I was initially, I go back to that dread of, oh my gosh, this is going to be horrible. It's going to be the worst news ever. And it's just like training a muscle. I very quickly try to take myself out of that and go back to what can we control? And it's the same things. Nothing's changed between a diagnosis and the PET scan. It's take care of yourself and we'll see what happens
Mel Robbins (00:23:19):
And what happened?
Phil (00:23:20):
Well, the results came back and the cancer has not spread.
Mel Robbins (00:23:24):
Okay, that's fantastic news.
Phil (00:23:26):
It's huge.
Mel Robbins (00:23:27):
But what did you notice when you got that news?
Phil (00:23:31):
My shoulders dropped. I took a deep breath. I was here at the studio, I was in the elevator going downstairs. I got the text from mom.
Mel Robbins (00:23:40):
That's a beautiful visual because I also see as an elevator's going down, I see your shoulders dropping and the bracing dropping and the kind of exhale because even when we try to rationalize these things and focus on other things, our body still braces.
(00:24:03):
And so there are two tools that I think are just we're going to keep coming back to, and I'm going to keep reminding you as you're listening, there's the tools that Phil is talking about where you are reminding yourself to focus on what you can control. And then there are the tools that are from the neck down, which is learning how to drop into your body and calm your body state from one of bracing. I think it's really interesting that you're using all the intellectual tools to keep your mind focused on what you can control, which certainly helps, but at the same time, your body is still in a brace mode whether you realize it or not. And that's where the second tools come in of understanding that this is both head and body and learning how to use even just the breathing technique that I described when I was on the plane of breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, that box breathing signaling to my body that we're okay, even though I was terrified the plane was going to go down.
(00:25:15):
It just allows that elevator in your nervous system to slowly lower so you're not subconsciously breaking
Phil (00:25:23):
Leave it to you to find the perfect metaphor in
Mel Robbins (00:25:26):
you were the one in the elevator dude,
Phil (00:25:28):
but I hadn't even made the connection and it's such a beautiful way to put it. And the doors open, walked outside. It was a nice sunny day and it was like being in a new reality.
Mel Robbins (00:25:40):
See, I think that is a beautiful piece to the story, Phil, because that is what's available. Even though I was in that plane and for probably 10 to 15 minutes I was swirling in my head, imagining my funeral, imagining the fiery, and I get really dark. I'm like, okay, is this thing exploding? Is this going to be a 10 minute free fall? And my husband is very stoic like you. And so as I turned to him and I'm like, I'm really scared. And then he held my hand, which helped, and this is before the box breathing. I'm like, I'm really scared. We're going to go down. He literally turns me and he's like, well, you'll be unconscious. It'll last 10 seconds. I'm like, this is your way to relax. Now my ears are up on top of my head now I'm like really bracing for this.
(00:26:26):
But it was when the box breathing for in hold it for out, hold it holding Chris's hand and then starting to visualize truly that things are going to be okay and visualize the open doors, the sunny day, a future state that allowed me to drop in to that moment. And I'll tell you, the plane kept bouncing and swinging and doing all these crazy things, but I was in a physical state, Phil, just like you were when the doors opened on the elevator and you walked out to a sunny day. And I think that's a thousand percent what's available to you in any situation where you feel like things happening around you are out of your control, steadying yourself and your physical body and trying your best to focus your mind on things you can control and on an optimistic outlook. Because what if it does work out?
(00:27:28):
We're so quick to jump to the negative. Like I'm thinking about dying on a plane, you're thinking about your dad. What is it about our parents? By the way, I just have to say because thinking about my father, he had this situation where he passed out on a golf course. My parents didn't even tell me and my brother, they go and get it checked out. They're worried about vertigo and they have an incidental finding where the guy has an intact aneurysm and now they're going to University of Michigan to do this massive brain surgery where they're going to literally take the top of his nain off. It's amazing what doctors can do and literally clamp an aneurysm before it explodes and kills him, and then they're going to put the nain back on and staple it all together. So my parents are going through this Phil for two weeks, and then they pick up the phone and they're like, well, we got something to tell you. We didn't want to tell you until we knew for sure. But dad needs brain surgery and he has an aneurysm that could explode at any moment. We're like, what? You've been living with this for two weeks?
Phil (00:28:36):
The line from parents often is, oh, we didn't want you to worry as if you're not going to worry about it when you do find out,
Mel Robbins (00:28:42):
Yes, and then be mad that you didn't tell me and now I'm really bracing because now this sounds really terrible, but I can see both sides. I dunno. I think that's a common experience.
Phil (00:28:52):
Just a quote I found from Dalai Lama who is a smart person just talking about how if a here,
Mel Robbins (00:29:00):
Lemme read it real quick.
Phil (00:29:00):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:29:01):
So I love this quote from the Dalai Lama. If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there's no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever. And that's actually true because unless you are worrying about it so that you can solve the problem and come up with solutions,
Mel Robbins (00:29:33):
Worrying doesn't fix anything. It just really frustrates you and stresses you out and keeps you stressed. And there's a study from Cornell that found that 85% of the things that people worry about actually never come to pass. And of the remaining check, I think this is the even more important thing. So if you think about the fact that 85% of the stuff that you worry about that you probably then start dreading never even happened.
(00:30:06):
So what a gigantic waste of time and energy. What a sad thing to do to yourself in your life. But here I think is the even more important thing to lean into because I know you might be listening and you might go, yeah, but 15% of the things do come true, Mel. So how do I know if the thing that I'm worrying about is actually the 15% that come true or the 85% that don't? Well, here's what I want to tell you of the remaining 15%, I'll give you this that actually come true that you're worried about. 78% of people find that the thing that you were worried about that challenge, it's easier to handle than you expected and that you learned something valuable from it. That's incredible. Which means the worrying actually didn't help you with it anyway. And so the things that actually happen, the majority of them, you don't even need to be worrying about because it's easier than you think and you're going to learn something from it anyway. And so if you can face uncertainty in these moments, not with bracing and dread, but with the ability to go, okay, I'm going to be able to handle this and I'm going to learn something about this, then you are able to show up differently and focus on the things you can control what you think, what you say, what you do. And that's pretty cool, really cool.
Phil (00:31:37):
What if it all works out? What if it all works out? And no matter what it does, because worst case scenario, you're going to learn something.
Mel Robbins (00:31:46):
It's true
Phil (00:31:47):
And that's an awesome way to look at things.
Mel Robbins (00:31:49):
And so I feel like that's a tool too. The next time that you feel a situation coming up and you feel yourself dreading it, bracing, you've already presumed it's going horrible, which means you're going to get hijacked and you're going to align your thoughts and actions and feelings with it going horrible. And the truth is it's always just uncertain. And that creates an opportunity for you to learn this incredible skill of living with uncertainty and coaching yourself through these moments by saying, well, if we're uncertain how it's going to go, and how could I know the funeral hasn't happened yet? We don't know the diagnosis yet. We haven't had the breakup conversation yet. I haven't done the presentation yet. I don't need to dread this, but I can create room for uncertainty as I sit here on this plane or as I prepare for this presentation or as I walk to that person's apartment knowing that I need to sit them down and tell them that this isn't working. If I can keep myself in uncertainty, then I can keep myself in the space of what if this all works out? What if this is even if it's bad, it works out. Even if this is uncomfortable, it works out. You stay there and now you're building this extraordinary skill that we all need in life of navigating these moments and instead of bracing and ensuing the worst and just hijacking it, actually staying steady. Wow, that's a really good insight.
Phil (00:33:31):
It sounds to me like when you do let dread take over, are you almost manifesting things going wrong?
Mel Robbins (00:33:42):
It's bigger than manifesting. No, it's a good word. This is a super interesting topic.
Mel Robbins (00:33:48):
So there's a couple things happening when dread takes over because dread is literally anticipating the worst. And when you start to focus on the negative, it triggers you to go from a state where you're really present to the alarm system in your body going to fight, flight or freeze. This is evolutionary, this is hardwired in you. It is a defense mechanism that actually protects you and it keeps you in many ways alive. And I can tell you right now, if the fire alarm went off right now in this building and we smelled smoke the fire alarm inside your body and my body would also go off fight, flight, freeze, like run, right? And we would literally run out of this place. And if we were running out of this place, there is no way you and I could do a math problem at the same time because your body's wiring takes over to keep you safe.
(00:34:58):
And that's why this is kind of bigger than manifesting. It's actually hard wiring in your body. There's something that a lot of experts that come on the show, or if you're interested in neuroscience, they talk about this negativity bias in your mind. Your mind is wired to magnify things that are negative or things that are scary or things that could go wrong as an attempt to try to protect you and to keep you safe. If we're on a hike, your mind is likely to spot the rattlesnake over there because it's dangerous versus the leaf that's turning orange, which is beautiful because if your brain can see the rattlesnake, it can keep you away from it. And that's a good thing except for when you start to feel this sense of dread and bracing and being in this mode all the time where all you can do is think about what could go wrong or beat yourself up.
(00:36:00):
And so what happens is you don't just manifest the negative, you put yourself into a mental, physical, and spiritual space that is very negative and that overrides your ability to think, to problem solve, to be calm, to be present and back to your word manifesting because you're in a negative state and because your energy is bad and because you can't actually tap into your thinking and because you're now spiraling, you actually do create more bad because you're living in this mindset that everything is falling apart and you also can't take the proactive steps to make things better. And so yes, it's partially just the hard wiring. And I do think that when you get hijacked like that, you attract more negativity. You cause more negativity because you can't meet the moment. And the truth is, if you recognize what's happening in the moment, you can absolutely train yourself to go, oh, this is what Mel was talking about with Phil.
(00:37:09):
This is that moment of dread. This is where my shoulders are going up. This is where I feel myself procrastinating comes. I'm stressed. I don't have to do this. I can settle myself with breathing in for four, holding it, breathing out, holding it. I can just do the box breathing. I can tell myself what if everything works out. I can remind myself there are things I can focus on that are within my control. I can remind myself that if I get a good night's sleep instead of drinking an entire bottle of gin right now because I'm nervous, that probably helped me. I can remind myself that even though I'm stressed out, I can prepare for this speech. I can eat a healthy dinner which is going to help me in the thing I need to do tomorrow. I can remind myself that even though I'm terrified of the conversation, that I'm dreading that I'm going to get through this and this is important to break up and do what I need to do even though it's going to hurt somebody or they're going to be disappointed and I'm dreading this.
(00:38:06):
And so that 1000% is why this matters so much. It doesn't change the horrible thing.
Mel Robbins (00:38:13):
I think a lot about that moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friend's funeral. Anytime you go to a funeral, you dread it. It's just something you don't want to have to do. And in this particular case, it was also somebody who had died by suicide and was a very, very close friend of ours and he was like the second father to our daughter. And it just was horrifically awful. And I remember just bracing and feeling like, I don't want to do this. I don't like this can't be what's happening. And I ended up just sitting down and settling myself. I remember it, it was yesterday and this was probably God like 14 years ago. I remember I didn't have a bra on yet.
(00:39:06):
I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my pants on and my shoes were on the floor and I just sat there and I put my hand on my heart and I said, it's going to be okay. You can get through this. You need to be present for his kids and his family and you need to be present for your kids and your husband because they loved him too. And getting into this mode where you now leave your body and you're not present for this celebration and mourning of this person that so many people loved. That's not the way you want to show up right now even though this shit's really hard. And so I remember just consciously, I don't think I knew about box breathing back then, but I just kind of instinctually put my hand in my heart and just said, we're going to get through this.
(00:40:01):
No matter what happens today, we're going to get through this and I want to be present for his kids and I want to be present for him, and I want to be present for my kids and my daughter in particular. And just settling yourself and reminding yourself that even though you don't want to go through this, you are stronger than this moment and being present for it and moving through it in a way where you are connected to yourself and you are reminding yourself that you are going to be okay and that you're not going to go through this alone. And to just keep showing up and to believe that's how I settled myself and got through that moment. Because had I allowed all of that to consume me, I probably wouldn't remember anything about that day or anything about that moment. And it was an absolutely breathtaking celebration of him.
(00:41:04):
And I remember every single detail and I was able to show up for my daughter in a way that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been just dreading it. And so I think there are these moments where you are deeply scared like I was on the plane, or maybe your dad was when he got the diagnosis, or my dad and mom were when they got his diagnosis, where you nurture yourself and then there are these moments where you need to rise above this dread because you actually have to show up for someone else
Phil (00:41:41):
No matter what. I feel like it builds resilience in you to show up, give yourself that courage and that trust that you can make it through. You look back on that service for your friend now that'll never not hurt to have lost him, but how do you feel knowing that you were fully there for one of the most difficult moments?
Mel Robbins (00:42:15):
I'm definitely really proud of myself. I think it would've been, this is a weird thing. I think you need to do what you need to do. But it would've been really selfish of me to allow my own upset to consume me. And everybody needs to mourn the way that they need to mourn. But I also oftentimes, at least when I think about my own past, there are a lot of things that I allowed get to me that I kind of feel like weren't mine to be upset about. This was one, but you are capable of rising above these moments. You are capable of showing up in ways for other people that really matter. You are capable of not getting sucked into drama. And you are certainly capable of recognizing when in life you're in control and when you're not and what you're in control of and what you're not.
Phil (00:43:11):
I love this,
Mel Robbins (00:43:13):
And I'll go back to the plane story that I told in the very beginning. There have been times in my life several decades ago where I was on a plane that suddenly drops and then the airbags drop and then they start swinging, which they don't sew in those cute videos. And then the air conditioning starts to condense and people start crying and screaming, I'll tell you, your life flashes before your eyes when that happens. I was lucky because when that happened, it was over in a matter of two or three minutes and the pilot came on and just said, wow, we just hit a huge air pocket. Sorry about that. Really scary. We're going to stay at a lower altitude. There's nothing wrong. You don't need to wear the air masks, but I just want to go over the safety instructions again, whatever we land in like 30 minutes.
Mel Robbins (00:44:09):
In those 30 minutes, I took stock of my entire life and I realized there were a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. And if you are in a moment where you have kind of one of those experiences where you really, the thing you're dreading is whether or not you're going to make it, it's incredible what a reality check that is of how short life actually is. And in a moment, you're going to realize what matters. And what matters are the people that you care about and the state of your relationships and whether or not you are showing up and whether or not you are loving and whether or not you are loved, whether or not you are prioritizing friends. The other thing that shows up is your relationship to yourself and how you feel about yourself. And at the time, I didn't like myself that much.
(00:45:06):
I had a lot of work to do. And the other thing that shows up is how are you spending your time and do you enjoy how you're spending your time? Because it is such a limited commodity that you have. And I realized at this moment in my life that I did not want to be a lawyer anymore. This was a huge defining moment for me, and I got off that plane and started making changes. Now, fast forward to the plane story from the opening, which honestly this was way more terrifying then even the plane dropping and airbags dropping in two minutes of this is over. And the reason why this one was more terrifying is because I didn't know what the heck was happening. It was going on for a long time. And the difference though is once I got control of the dread I and I got peaceful with the truth, which is there's nothing I can do.
(00:46:14):
Here I am in a giant shopping mall flying through the sky that is bouncing around like a trampoline through the air Right now I'm holding my husband's hand who is my favorite person on the planet and I'm really proud of myself. And the only thing that I have that I am worried about right now is that I'm pissed off that I wouldn't get more time on earth at this moment in my existence that I wouldn't get more time with my kids. And that almost kind of anger and realization, I'm not fucking going out like this. And even if I didn't, I'm really proud of the person that I am and I can hang my hat on that there was something around that moment that also just dropped the dread.
Mel Robbins (00:47:05):
But if you are dreading going into work in the morning or you're dreading a conversation because you know need to end a relationship or you know, need to give somebody some difficult feedback because you want the relationship to get better, or if you're dreading a health diagnosis, that's like a wake up call because dread literally can be these moments where you assess what's actually important to you and you can use that to catapult yourself in a different direction.
(00:47:41):
And if I bring it back to the topic that we were just talking about and the reason why I want to talk about this today regarding the us, if you're dreading what's happening in this country or you're listening somewhere around the world and you're dreading what's happening in your community or in your family or in your part of the world, that's a sign that you care deeply about this. And while you might not be able to control what's happening in the larger sense of things today, there is no doubt there are things you can do. There is no doubt that it just takes one person to change the world, to change your community, to change your school system. And that overwhelm and dread can galvanize what you do next and what you commit yourself to. And that's a really important thing that I've noticed in my life.
(00:48:40):
In these moments, they really show you what you care about, whether it's you dread a presentation because you care about doing well at work or you dread this conversation where you have to have a very hard conversation with somebody you love. But the reason why is because you actually value love and you value honesty and you value integrity, or you value yourself enough to know that the love that you're getting in this relationship is not the love that you deserve, that you deserve something else and you're willing to stand up for that. And that dread is an important thing that basically goes, okay, I'm a person that cares about myself and I care about the person I'm about to break up with because I still like 'em and I don't want to disappoint people, but I got to care more about me. And so I do think these moments of bracing actually, if you're willing to slow down and not let it hijack you, you can unpack the moment and truly connect more deeply with the things that you care about.
(00:49:39):
You care about your mom and dad. That's a big sign to spend more time with 'em. I care about my family, the plain situation. Woo. I wasn't thinking about work, I was thinking about my parents and my husband and my children and my friends. I wasn't thinking about the normal stuff that make me like nuts, Phil. I was thinking about the things that actually matter. And to me, that's the gift that's available to unwrap that you are learning something about yourself and regardless of how things turn out, use that information to guide the kind of person you show up as in this next chapter as you move through this thing.
Phil (00:50:25):
I love this.
Mel Robbins (00:50:26):
So where I want to go now is to some of your questions because there has been an absolute, just it's unbelievable how many of you are using the word dread. We literally went and searched dread. And so Phil, we've collected a ton of emails of all different types of things that people are dreading. What are some of the topics just to give us a wide array?
Phil (00:50:52):
The short answer is a lot. No motivation, uninspired, fear of telling my parents things, going to let them down. I'm an empty nester. I dating again, going the wrong direction at work with my career, spending vacation time with my in-laws
Mel Robbins (00:51:11):
And on and on and on. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Phil (00:51:13):
Tip of the iceberg.
Mel Robbins (00:51:14):
Alright, well let's just jump in. What do you want to start with
Phil (00:51:18):
Mel? I want you to check out this one from Nicole. Okay, let me have this.
Mel Robbins (00:51:22):
Okay, great. So Nicole is a listener who is 24 years old and she's writing in because she has been single for a long time for the past two years. She used to be a serial dater Phil. And then was like, forget this, I'm just going to take a break. And she said, being single these past two years has been the best thing I've ever done for myself. I think that's really cool actually. I love that you took time to be single. You did not even worry about finding somebody just chilled with yourself. That's super cool. But here comes a downside. I'm now so hyper independent and comfortable being single that the idea of dating again or changing my life up to incorporate dating makes me want to run and hide under my bed forever. Actually, I have heard this from so many of our listeners in their twenties and thirties, and here's what she writes.
(00:52:15):
She literally writes that, I wish we had more discussions around the shame women feel in their twenties for not prioritizing dating the hookup culture. She goes on and on and on. And then she says, is it really the worst thing to dread the day you have to start dating again? Because let's face it, it's Slim Pickens out there. Ask any woman on a dating app. So here's what I would say. First of all, I don't think you're ready to date Nicole because it sounds like you just love being single. So don't even add it in. It feels like a should. But the piece I want you to take away is you used the word dread. Dread means you've already decided it's going to go horrible. All I'm going to tell you is switch the word uncertain. You don't know how it's going to go and you don't have to be on the apps.
(00:53:09):
You can talk to people in your day-to-day life. You can tell your friends that you're open to. You don't have to do it that way. But when you use the word dread, you've already assumed it's going to be horrible, which is why you're bracing, which is why you're avoiding it. And when you get to the point where you say, this is something I'm interested in, I'm uncertain about how it's going to go. Do you feel the freedom in that? And I think that's going to help a lot. I've got one here that is about having a husband that is negative. My husband generally only tells me bad news about his job and his day. He's not making nearly as much money as I do. I encourage him to listen to self-improvement books and podcasts, but he refuses, how do I navigate this negativity but still be supportive? How do I keep my love for him when I feel dread talking to him? Oh boy. Okay, so can you imagine, I've been in periods of my marriage and I've certainly been in relationships where I dread the person that I'm with walking through the door.
Phil (00:54:14):
Sure,
Mel Robbins (00:54:15):
Yeah, it's a terrible place to be. And so you're bracing for the negativity. I'm going to tell you to do something opposite you ready? First of all, live in uncertainty. Maybe he'll be in a bad mood today. Maybe he won't. And you have to use the Let them theory. You have to let him be in a bad mood. And you can also start, I don't, what I know based on the research is her trying to tell him to be positive actually just makes him negative. Because what I know about the research is that trying to change someone else doesn't work. So if you try to make him positive, it's just going to make him more negative. If you try to make him listen to self-improvement, it's only going to make him more resistant to it. And so here's what I want you to understand. Everything that we've talked about, you have the ability to shift this in yourself. Part of the dynamic is you bracing and your mindset going and your nervous system going. And so I would recommend that you do the box breathing. I would recommend you start to talk about uncertainty. And I'm going to give you one tool from the Let Them Theory book. Ask your husband, how do you feel about your attitude about your life?
(00:55:37):
Or I've noticed that you're really like down. How do you feeling about things? So instead of just getting a report, just ask him an open-ended question because it gets him to start to talk about the conflict that he's feeling versus just complaining about it. I write about this extensively in the book. It's a technique that gets somebody out of their negative state because what's happening with your husband, if he hates his job that much, he dreads going, he wakes up every morning in a state of dread, which what makes his mindset negative, which makes his body brace, which makes the entire day at work negative, which then makes him come home and talk to you about it. And so until he stops bracing and he recognizes that he wants something different, nothing's changing because people only change when they feel like changing. And one of the things that this conversation is revealing is that dread is something that is a natural instinct in us that can hijack your experience of life. And I think a lot of people dread going to work. But what you don't understand when you're the one dreading it, is that you have power. This isn't the only job on the planet, and the more you stay stuck in this state of dread, the more likely you're going to stay in this job, which is ironic that the dread keeps you locked there. And so your openness, your shifting, your ability to create space for him to figure this out for himself will also help him shift it.
Phil (00:57:15):
Mel, so we're setting the clocks back. The seasons are changing. We're getting a lot of questions about dealing with seasonal depression, dread, getting up in the
Mel Robbins (00:57:24):
Morning
Phil (00:57:25):
Because of it.
Mel Robbins (00:57:26):
Oh, I relate. I hate turning the clocks back. If I ran for president of any country or city or this would be my number one thing in high school or middle school, and people are like more ice cream in the cafeteria, be like, one of my initiatives would be no daylight savings. I hate it. But here's the thing, dreading the darkness and dreading the winter months and dreading the cold, is that helping? No. Why? Because what have we learned about dread? It actually locks you in a state that it is going to be horrible. And here's what I want you to understand. Through your own actions and attitude, you can make it better. I'm not saying that seasonal depression isn't a thing because it is a very real thing, and I absolutely struggle with that dip in the mood and looking outside at 4:30 PM in Vermont, and it's already almost dark and just thinking, I can't live here another winter.
(00:58:35):
I'm not doing this to myself again. But there are things you can do. There are things you can do. And so instead of locking in on dread, winter is coming right? Game of Thrones, winter is coming. I want you to loosen and I want you to start to think about what can you do? What can your routine look like? How can you shift the time you go to bed, the time that you wake up, the things that you do during your day, the things that you do at night? How can you map out a new plan for this season so that it's not just the drag the light box out, here we go, let's brace for the long winter, everybody. It doesn't have to be that way. You can focus on your thoughts, your actions, creating a new routine, doing a little bit of research.
(00:59:30):
If you have the ability to create a plan to get away and go visit a friend that lives in a nicer place and go on a road trip, do it. These things help. Another thing that I think can help a lot is if you've ever wanted to take a painting class or you've ever wanted to learn a new skill, sign up for a class at night. Get yourself out of the house. These sorts of things help. But the more you say I dread it, the more you're going to feel locked into negativity and the less power you're going to feel that you have. And you do have power. Even if this is a diagnosis that you're dealing with, you still have power. I do want to end on this question from Nora about dreading getting out of bed and dreading starting the day. And can you talk more about how we can talk ourselves into getting up immediately when we feel like crap and are dreading our day?
(01:00:27):
So there's two things I want to cover in this, and this is why I want to end on this. The first part of this, dreading starting your day is the tactics. And there is no better tactic for solving this problem than using my five second rule and counting backwards. The moment the alarm rings, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and moving and getting out bed and just starting the day you can wake up and feel dread and bracing and anxiety and overwhelm, and you can still start your day. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 2 things can be true. You can not feel like doing it. And you can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, do it. And the reason why this matters is because movement shifts your emotions and getting going helps you keep going and lying in bed, lying in the dread and lying in the overwhelm, which is something that I am very familiar with. It's something that I struggled with profoundly, especially as somebody that has had a lot of anxiety in the past.
(01:01:40):
And the five second rule in counting backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 was something I created precisely to help me when the alarm rang and I felt dread and it pinned me into the bed and I would just lay there and rot in my negative thoughts and my emotions. So 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, boom. Just like they say, nothing good happens at a bar after midnight. Nothing good happens at a nightclub after midnight. Nothing good happens when you're lying there in bed consumed in dread. Okay, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, get up. That's the tactic. And that is going to help you. And you may need to use that every morning of your life for 15 years. Like have I still use that to get out of bed? I had to use it this morning to get out of bed because we had a huge workday and a lot of exciting news and I was so emotionally drained. And plus I ate a double stack hamburger with cheese fries, and then I had an ice cream cone and a gin and tonic, and then I went to bed. So talk about bedro. I got it. And when I woke up, I was like, oh, I got to use my own stuff. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, get up because I got to go talk to Phil about dread. That's the tactic. But here's the bigger thing I want to say to you. If you dread your day, that's an opportunity to take a look at your life.
(01:03:03):
You were not put on this planet to wake up and dread your day. There are things about your life you need to change. It might mean that you need to take your mental health and your physical health more seriously. It might mean that you need to take sleep more seriously. And my simple rule for better sleep is if you want eight hours of sleep, spend nine hours in bed, just not an hour of it in the morning. Dreading your day takes time to fall asleep. Might mean that you got to change your job. Might mean that you got to have a hard conversation that you've been avoiding. Why? Because you dread. It might mean that you got to make some changes to your morning routine might mean that you have to ask your family to step up a little bit so everything's not on your shoulders.
(01:03:55):
And I guarantee you, if you go through your day and you list all of the things that you dread about your day, you'll notice that there's lots of places where you have braced in small ways and where you have negative opinions and where you think this is just what it is and there's nothing you can do about it, which is why we brace, which is what you've learned during this conversation. And it's how you lose your power.
Mel Robbins (01:04:24):
And the truth is, you're not stuck anywhere. You're not stuck in a relationship. You're not stuck in a dynamic with your family. You are not stuck in a job. You are not stuck with the current state of your health. You are not stuck with your mindset. You are not stuck with your current morning routine. You as a human being are hardwired to change. But if you continue to dread all these small things, you are keeping yourself locked in something that doesn't work.
(01:04:52):
I think that moment where you wake up and dread the day you're waking up into is one of the greatest gifts that your life could give you because it's a gigantic wake up call that there are things that are not working and it is time that you wake the hell up, metaphorically, physically, mentally, spiritually, and you start doing the work to change it. I want you to look at your life and look at the things that you dread and understand. These are just things that are uncertain, but here's what I'm certain about. You have the power and you are capable through your thoughts, actions, and your attitude of changing anything for the better period. You cannot convince me otherwise. So stop bracing, stop dreading, relax into this. Look at what you need to change. Look at what's within your control and focus on that. And I think you're going to be shocked at how much more powerful and calm you feel no matter what's going on.
(01:05:53):
And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your power to create a better life. And I just love that this topic was so deep and so useful on global levels, on personal levels, in small moments, in big moments, in annoying moments and scary moments. And I'm absolutely thrilled that I got to unpack this with you and with Phil today. So I will see you in the very next episode, and I cannot wait to hear what you got out of this one. Alrighty, I'll see you in a few days and for you on YouTube, I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for watching all the way to the end. Wasn't this so cool when I started this conversation today with Phil and with you?
(01:06:38):
I did not expect it to go this deep and to be this layered, even though we kind of dug into the topic and knew what we wanted to talk about. This was surprising. I learned a lot as I was talking with you. And so thank you for being here. Thanks for sharing this with people that you care about, that brace. Let this episode help them loosen, let this help them take control. And one thing I also want to say is thank you for hitting subscribe. It's my goal that 50% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers. It's free. It costs you nothing. It is hugely important to our team because it's a way that you can show us that you love what we're putting out there and you can support what we're doing so we can continue to support you with more content. And there are new shows coming. I'm super excited about all this and I know you're like, okay, this was super cool. What should I watch next? I want you ahead to this video next. You're going to absolutely love this and I'm going to be waiting for you in this episode. The second that you hit play.
Key takeaways
When life gets uncertain or scary, your job isn’t to control the world. Your job is to steady your body, slow your breath, and talk yourself back to the present moment.
You’re not dreading the person or event; you’re bracing for a story in your head that hasn’t even happened yet, and probably never will.
You can’t think clearly or show up strong when you’re stuck in fight-or-flight. Use box breathing to pull yourself out and get your power back.
If you dread your life every morning, that’s your wake-up call.It’s time to start changing what isn’t working.
What if it all works out? Staying open to that possibility, even in the middle of chaos, is how you build strength and stay sane through hard things.
Resources
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- Behaviour Research and Therapy: Exposing Worry’s Deceit: Percentage of Untrue Worries in Generalized Anxiety Disorder Treatment
- UC Berkeley: Seven Ways to Cope with Uncertainty
- American Psychological Association: 10 tips for dealing with the stress of uncertainty
- Speaking of Psychology: How to cope with political stress this election season, with Brett Q. Ford, PhD, and Kevin Smith, PhD
- Cell Reports Medicine: Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal
- The Decision Lab: What is the Negativity Bias?
- Headspace: Election Anxiety
- Better Health: How to deal with change and uncertainty
- Cognitive Therapy and Research: Intolerance of Uncertainty as a Transdiagnostic Mechanism of Psychological Difficulties: A Systematic Review of Evidence Pertaining to Causality and Temporal Precedence
- Centre for Clinical Observations: Accepting Uncertainty
- Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences: The habenula encodes negative motivational value associated with primary punishment in humans
- Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews: The nature and neurobiology of fear and anxiety: State of the science and opportunities for accelerating discovery
- Forbes: How To Cope With Uncertainty At Work
- Pew Research Center: Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years
- Helpguide.org: Coping with a Life-Threatening Illness or Serious Health Event
- Johns Hopkins Medicine: What is seasonal affective disorder?
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