Episode: 241

The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need

with Logan Ury

Find the love you deserve with science-backed dating advice.

Mel sits down with Logan Ury – a behavior scientist, dating expert, host of Netflix’s new dating series “The Later Daters,” and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge – to get her science-backed insights on success in dating.

If dating apps make you feel hopeless, if you feel like dating is broken, or can’t seem to find “the one,” this episode is packed with insights and actionable tools to help you find the love you deserve.

Listen on:

If you knew the love of your life was around the corner, how would you show up differently today?

Logan Ury

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Transcript

Logan Ury (00:00:00):

You are too picky. You aren't putting yourself out there. You have unrealistic expectations. Dating is a skill and we're born knowing how to love, but not knowing how to date. Great relationships are built, they're not discovered. And if you really understand that, you can build the relationship of your dreams. It takes the pressure off of finding the perfect person.

Mel Robbins (00:00:21):

Wow. How do you handle in a relationship all the baggage that somebody comes

Logan Ury (00:00:27):

With? I think where people get into trouble is where they think, if I keep on dating, eventually I'll find someone with no problems. You should switch that to the mindset of what are problems that I can deal with? There's baggage that you can deal with and baggage that you can't and you get to choose.

Mel Robbins (00:00:39):

I love that. Can you explain why our obsession with the instant chemistry and the soulmate might be holding someone back from finding their partner?

Logan Ury (00:00:52):

The spark has become my nemesis because people have really unrealistic expectations around it. And so there are three myths of the spark. The first one is that if you don't have a spark in the beginning, it can't grow, and that's absolutely not true. The second myth is that if you feel a spark, it's a good thing and that's definitely not always the case. And then the third one is that,

Mel Robbins (00:01:16):

Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so fired up that you're here. This is going to be an extraordinary episode. I know that you're going to share this with absolutely everybody that you love because the topic is fire and it's relevant and you need to hear this. And I just want to say it's always an honor to get to spend some time and be together with you. And if you're brand new, I want to take a moment before we jump into this topic and welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I think we're going to have a lot of new listeners to this episode because this is such an important topic that I bet somebody shared this with you. And I also know that you're the type of person that values your time. And I promise you this is going to be worth your time because there are a lot of you that listen that are in a committed relationship, but there's a lot of people that listen or that are in your life who are not.

(00:02:01):

They're struggling. And I want you to know I'm seeing it. I'm seeing it with the people that I love in my life. I'm seeing the struggles in the inbox as you're writing in from around the world, whether you're in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies. It is hard out there. In fact, I remember when my mother-in-law was a widower and she wanted to put herself out there, so we tried to get her on the apps and it was frustrating. That was a decade ago and it seems to have only gotten worse and I wanted to do something about it. So I've called in somebody to help you. And if you're in a committed relationship, they're here to help you understand what's going on and to help the people that you love who are not. She's here to help you find love that you deserve in what is a very confusing and overwhelming dating scene.

(00:02:43):

And that's why I am absolutely thrilled to welcome Logan Yuri to our Boston studio. Lemme tell you a little bit about her. Logan Yuri is a Harvard trained behavioral scientist, a dating coach, a researcher on dating and love, and she's the author of the bestselling book, how To Not Die Alone. She has spent the last five years as the director of relationship science at Hinge, studying dating trends and helping people just like you and the people that you love build better relationships and make a fabulous match with somebody who is awesome. And I'm going to say something right up front. This is not an episode that's sponsored by Hinge. I asked Yuri to be on for a particular reason because I really love her advice because she brings the data, the science and the research that you've never heard before. This episode is for everyone in your life who's single or who is struggling and their relationships, it's going to completely change how you look at dating no matter how old you are.

(00:03:37):

We are going to be taking questions from listeners of all age groups, whether you're in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties. The information is absolutely relevant for anyone of any age anywhere in the world. Logan is with you and me today to break everything down step-by-step because it turns out everything that you're probably doing online you've gotten wrong. She is with you and me today because she's going to be breaking down one by one. Every single thing that you've gotten wrong about dating in today's world, especially online dating, like how you filter potential partners to the reason why you feel pushed to get back with your ex to the mistakes that you make on the first date, to how your profile is absolutely wrong and how you're probably looking for the wrong things and the shocking data about who successfully matches and creates a committed relationship and why they do.

(00:04:32):

And also, we're going to talk about why waiting for the fairy tale is holding you back from what is right in front of you right now. I'm so excited about this episode because it is full of tactics and research and things that you can do, and you need to hear it because too many of you are going through your life or your relationships without the necessary tools to find success. What you will learn today is extraordinarily special and it has the potential to change your life. So without further ado, please help me welcome Logan Yuri to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Logan Ury (00:05:04):

Yay. I'm so excited to be here.

Mel Robbins (00:05:06):

I am so excited to talk to you because there are so many people in my life, so many different ages, different circumstances that are frustrated with dating with relationships. This is your area of expertise. And one of the reasons why I'm thrilled that you made the trip all the way across the country to our studios here in Boston is because you can marry, no pun intended, the data and science from all of the experience that you have working at Hinge for the last five years..

Mel Robbins (00:05:40):

With all the expertise that you have in coaching people when they're single and dating. And I just cannot wait to jump into this. So I want to start here. Logan, could you just talk directly to the person listening Yes. And tell them exactly what they might experience in their life and what could change if they take to heart absolutely everything that you're about to share with us today. And they put it to use.

Logan Ury (00:06:05):

So for the listener or viewer who is single, this is really an opportunity to get unstuck. If you feel like all of your friends are married and you've been to a lot of weddings and now you're going to the baby showers and you feel like you're being left behind, this is an opportunity to really take a step back, look at the patterns of behavior that you have, identify some dating blind spots, and then make a different choice for yourself. And if you are married or in a relationship, then you probably have someone you love who could really use this advice.

Mel Robbins (00:06:38):

And in terms of, I'm thinking about my best friend from childhood who you're going to hear from in a little bit, who is in her fifties, never married, never found love. We'll get together and we'll down a bottle of wine and next thing you know, she's crying because this is not how she wanted her life to turn out. What do you want someone who is either post-divorce or they have never met the person and they're in their late forties or fifties or sixties or seventies?

Logan Ury (00:07:10):

So I have a different answer for that than I would've had a year ago. So my research has mostly focused on millennial and Gen Z dating, and that's really the focus of Hinge. But then a year ago, I shot this TV show that's going to come out soon about daters over 55. And I had some nerves going into it because I was like, oh, I'm not an expert in this type of dating. But the number one thing that came out of that for me is this idea that dating is a skill and we're born knowing how to love, but not knowing how to date that

Mel Robbins (00:07:43):

Right there. We are born knowing how to love, but not knowing how to date. So is it safe to assume that if you're divorced or you're in your fifties and you're not having luck, you absolutely are born knowing how to love, but you just don't know how to date?

Logan Ury (00:07:59):

Sure. And some of those people might know how to date, but it's just that there's a limited pool, there's other factors. But I really wanted to be empowering for people because I want them to feel like, oh yeah, I do keep choosing men who are not emotionally available or I am really hesitant to get vulnerable with people and I could work on that. And so something that I learned by working on this show is the idea that dating is a skill and you can get better at it. And just because you get older doesn't mean you automatically know how to do it. So it's like you don't wake up on your 50th birthday and know how to make a delicious French meal and you don't wake up on your 50th birthday and know how to date. And so actually just taking this approach of this is hard for me. I've struggled with this. This is an area of my life I haven't figured out, but I can work on it. I hope that for your friend and for other people, that's really empowering because it means it's an area where they can grow.

Mel Robbins (00:08:49):

Awesome. So for anyone that's listening that may not be familiar with your, could you just share with the person that is spending some time with us right now, just a little bit about your background both at Hinge and what you do there and how that's informed your work coaching people in their love life and with dating.

Logan Ury (00:09:12):

Sure. So I studied psychology at Harvard and I'm really interested in how people think and how people make decisions. So at first, I applied that in the corporate world and I worked at Google and I ran Google's behavioral science team called the Irrational Lab. So that's really understanding who we are and how we make decisions often in ways that are not in our own best interest. But then I'd always had this lifelong interest in dating and relationships. And so at a certain point I said, this is my dream. I'm not getting any younger. And so I quit my corporate job, which was at the time at Airbnb, and I said, I'm just going to give myself a year to see if I can make this into a career. And so I started by being a coach and working with people. I turned that into research for my book and what my book does.

(00:09:59):

It takes the best of the behavioral science research, how we make decisions and the best of the relationship science research, why we love who we love, how relationships work. And I combine the two. And so it's really a relationship book that's focused on the best research and data that's out there. And then from there, I got my job at Hinge where I'm the director of relationship science and I get to do this all day. I get to think about dating, research, dating, look at trends in dating, and then talk directly to Hinge users and daters around the world about how to date better.

Mel Robbins (00:10:33):

I was really excited to talk to you because you have a extremely unique blend of skill sets when you think about being at Google and Airbnb and a psychology degree from Harvard and all of this experience coaching people both privately in terms of dating and being single and finding the kind of love that they deserve. Also for the last five years, being in this unique role at Hinge where you have access to all the behind the scenes of how people are using the apps, what the trends are. And I just could not wait to dig into this because I have so many people in my life that are really struggling. And one of the things that I wanted to ask you is do you think that dating apps are helping people find love and make connection, or are they really contributing to a sense of dissatisfaction?

Logan Ury (00:11:27):

So the data shows that dating apps really are helping people meet since 2017. The number one way that couples meet is online, and that's research from Stanford. Michael j Rosenfeld is a sociologist there. That being said, of course, this is technology and people can misuse technology, and I think it really can create some difficult expectations for people. There's a paradox of choice issue. And so I would say overall way more people are meeting because of dating apps. It used to be that you had access to Bill and Belinda down the street or maybe the person that you worked with, and now you have access to a way larger pool of people. And that's especially helpful if you're in what's called a thin dating market. So we're to meet people and what

Mel Robbins (00:12:13):

Does that mean thin dating?

Logan Ury (00:12:13):

Yeah, so it's not about your weight, it's about the quantity of your pool. And so people over 40 lgbtq plus folks and people who live in rural areas, it's like, well, if I'm gay and I live in a small town, how do I know who's also gay and who's single? It's very helpful to be on Hinge to do that. So it has a lot of benefits for expanding choice, but then people also do struggle with choice.

Mel Robbins (00:12:39):

Got it. What's interesting to me, because thinking about this as a woman who's 56, I've been married for 28 years, and I often think, thank God I am not single. And in my twenties, thank God Chris is still alive and I'm not post-divorce or post death and I'm out there alone because I think I would absolutely implode if I were putting myself out there, and I'm sure you're going to tell me otherwise. But here's one thing I've noticed. I've noticed that yes, almost most of the people that I know, especially in their thirties met online, but most of the people that I know, men and women in their twenties are feeling extremely discouraged about online. I know more women in their twenties in New York who are literally off the apps, they've just had it. Is that just my group of people or are you seeing that this was a really good thing? And now it's become really overwhelming because of the amount of choice and because of the way it may have changed the culture around dating.

Logan Ury (00:13:53):

Yeah. So everything you're seeing, I'm seeing as well. One thing that I will point out though is the average age of getting married is around the country more like later twenties. So it makes sense that the people in their thirties are married to people who they met on the apps. The people in their twenties will probably be that one day. They're just not there yet. So I think there are kind of micro differences, but most people in the US do end up getting married. And so that's one thing. But what I'll say is that I do feel like a lot of people are having a hard time right now, and I'm hearing a lot about dating burnout, and I've just been noticing this from a psychological perspective where multiple people, even in the last week have told me I quit dating, I'm taking a break from dating. And when I hear that, I'm like, that's a new phrase that popped up recently. And I like to reflect back on sex in the city because I think it was such a cultural touch. What's the word? Cultural touchpoint?

Mel Robbins (00:14:49):

You're going to pick a better word than I am. Yeah, a culture. Yeah. It was one of those series that was extraordinarily resonant of women's experiences in New York. And I feel that there is another very significant thing happening, at least with the women that are in their twenties that I know that live in New York or Chicago or la Notice I'm saying big cities.

Logan Ury (00:15:17):

So what I noticed, I like to look back at Sex in the City because it's obviously pre-app.

(00:15:22):

And even looking at girls, which is also mostly pre-app, I think you can find that people in New York were struggling with dating in their twenties. And so I think there's an interesting thing going on where things that have always been hard about dating, I didn't hear back from this person. The person I like doesn't like me back. I don't know how to tell someone that I like them without fear of rejection. Those are part of dating culture. But right now, dating culture is being equated with dating apps. And so some things that are hard about dating and have always been hard about dating are being blamed on the technology.

Mel Robbins (00:15:59):

Okay, this is a really huge point, and I want to take out a highlighter and I want to make sure that as you're listening to this, whether this is relevant to you or one of your parents or friends sent this to you and now you're listening to this, it's relevant to you or somebody that you love. You are right. You are absolutely right. And so I want you to separate the psychology of dating and the stuff that's been going on forever. People were ghosting people before we had a word for

Logan Ury (00:16:30):

It. Yeah, it's called, he didn't call me back,

Mel Robbins (00:16:32):

He doesn't like me. She doesn't like you. So there is say the three things again, this is part of the psychology of really liking someone and them not liking you back. It's also the psychology of meeting another human being and having expectations about how it's supposed to go and then it not meeting them. So you said three things there was that they don't like you back, they don't call you back and all of a sudden disappear. And that it's hard to meet somebody that you connect with. And that's been true forever.

Logan Ury (00:17:04):

And so the reason why I've been thinking about this lately is I've been doing, I love Reddit, and so I was reading a lot on Reddit about people going to IRL dating events, right? That's very popular right now in

Mel Robbins (00:17:14):

Real

Logan Ury (00:17:15):

Life is what that means in real life dating events. So this person wrote, oh yeah, I went to that speed dating event, but everyone was just focused on a couple hot people. It felt like online dating. And that was kind of an aha moment for me because how I would've written that is this reflects how dating is in general, which is a lot of people are all interested in the same attractive person, but for that person who I presume is younger than me, they thought this is similar to online dating. And so it really was that moment for me of, oh, people of this generation, let's talk about Gen Z, are really equating everything that's hard about dating in general with dating apps.

(00:17:54):

And I think that's really interesting because there was an article in the Atlantic by Faith Hill a few months ago called People are Nostalgic for a time of dating that never existed. It's true. So it's like if there were no apps, things would be so much better or everything was great before we had texts. And it's like, no, dating's always really hard. It's like this is who I am as a person. You are going to evaluate me and decide if you want to be with me or not. It doesn't matter what technology you're using. It just hurts to be rejected. And so I definitely think people are having a hard time right now. There's burnout, there's a lot of things that are challenging, but I also want people to know that that is a part of putting yourself out there and risk being rejected. And some of it is the tech, but a lot of it is just human nature. That's true. The thing I

Mel Robbins (00:18:40):

Will push back on just a little is that I think one of the things that the technology has done that is fantastic is it's opened you up to a world of options and people and all of these choices so that you can meet people that aren't just in your friend group or aren't just one friend removed or aren't at the building that you're working in, which is a wonderful thing, but it has also trained people to believe there's someone else out there and that maybe there's someone better. And so I think it has magnified the inconsiderate behavior in the immature behavior and some of the toxic behavior that has always been part of dating. It just happens more because of the fact that people have other options. I do think that it's a convergence of both of those. And I'm glad that you said it, Logan, because it really validates for somebody, it's not just me.

Logan Ury (00:19:38):

Oh no. People are having a hard time. Absolutely.

Mel Robbins (00:19:41):

I'm really glad that you separated the app itself

(00:19:44):

From actual behavior that you're going to have to learn and build skills around to tolerate rejection and to also learn how to really choose the kind of love and relationship that you want. That if somebody's not treating you the way that you would like to be treated, why would you want to be with them? And you've got to learn to see it not as an indictment that dating is horrific, that this is just one more person that doesn't deserve to be in your life because they're not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated.

Logan Ury (00:20:17):

So what you said reminded me of this really helpful term, which is that researchers used to refer to shipping, which is the experience of going from meeting a new person and having that turn into a romantic relationship. And now they refer to relat shopping, which is shopping for a potential partner the way that you would shop for any other product. And so if you were shopping for Bluetooth headphones, you might say, how much do they weigh? How long is the battery life? How much do they cost? And then you'd look for something online that meets those specs. And people sometimes try to do that with online dating, but people are not digital goods. People are not things that are just a combination of all of their different traits. That's why matchmaking is so hard. That's why finding your person is so hard because we're so much more than our height, our weight, our religion and things like that. And it's really when I am in front of you on a date, what side of me do you bring out? What's the dynamic between the two of us? And so really a lot of the work I try to do with my clients is moving people away from relation shopping and have them actually tune into how do I feel when I'm around the person? What side of me do they bring out? And moving from the checklist mindset to really an experiential mindset of how does it feel to be with that person?

Mel Robbins (00:21:39):

I love that you're sharing this. And one of my missions in this episode is to really get the person listening to understand there's a difference between using the app to facilitate meeting people and what actually happens when you start meeting people. And it brings to mind something that I wanted to talk to you about. It was something that I saw Professor Scott Galloway say, who is a professor of marketing at NYU Stern School of Business. He's a podcaster bestselling author. I'm a big fan of his. And I saw him speaking at this event. He was on stage and what he basically said is that dating has been consolidated in the worst way. He says, when you have 50 men on Tinder and 50 women, 46 of the women show all their attention to just four men, which basically means we have this concentration of interest and you end up with situations where only 10% of the men are getting 90% of the attention. And as a mom of two daughters in their twenties, I often hear the complaining

(00:22:55):

By the women using the apps, but I'm also the mother of a 19-year-old son. And it never even occurred to me, wait a minute, all the short guys are getting just completely just wiped off the side. Everybody's going for the same people's profiles online. And I would imagine that since dating apps and just everybody stop and think about this, dating apps are providing a platform for you to meet somebody, but the people that show up on the dating apps, they have preferences and unconscious bias and probably ridiculous expectations and closed minds. And so I would imagine that you're seeing this everywhere, that there's this concentration of interest, and you said it about the bar too, that if you think about going to a bar on a Friday night, people go and notice like three or four people, and they're the same people that everybody's eyeing up and down and wishing they could go up and talk to. Same thing happens on the apps, and I would imagine you're seeing this both men, women, whether or not you're somebody who is L-B-G-T-Q, whether or not you are black, you're Hispanic, whether or not you're a certain religion, that it's the behavior of the people and their bias and preference that actually drives a lot of this too.

Logan Ury (00:24:12):

A metaphor that I find helpful here is to think about your dating app and who you see on Hinge as a club, like a nightclub. And then the way that you set your filters is the bouncer for the club. And so when people go on and they make their profile, they're not thinking that hard about it. They're just like, oh, six feet or taller, sure, that sounds great. I'd love to meet a six foot guy. And then they put that as their filter, and then suddenly they're like, why is there no one in my club? Where are all the guys? And it's like, well, you filtered out 86% of men who are under six feet tall, and now you're wondering why I'm having a hard time. And so people are creating really harsh filters and then not seeing a bunch of people, I bet you see this across

Mel Robbins (00:24:52):

Every single thing, whether it's religion or race or sexual preference or what city you live in and you have people have these ridiculous expectations that then wipe out. And then that actually not only changes what you see, but it changes the data that you guys are getting. So it's the user behavior.

Logan Ury (00:25:09):

So it's definitely related to filters because I had a post on Instagram about how women are filtering out short guys, and then the guys complain and they're like, yes, I'm being filtered out. And then the women's complain and they're like, well, you have really harsh age filters and you're filtering out women under 35 or whatever they say. And so it's definitely happening across the board because people are really having these bouncers that are not letting anyone into the club. So for the singles party that I had, it was a straight dating event, 27 women, 27 men. And when they came together, 70 dates came out of it, you could match with more than one person. And then afterwards, was anyone left with

Mel Robbins (00:25:48):

A no?

Logan Ury (00:25:49):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (00:25:49):

Oh, that seems so harsh I hate that

Logan Ury (00:25:50):

It was hard. But there were other resources for them to go to more events.

Mel Robbins (00:25:57):

Oh my God, I just want to die for that person right now, but you're not going to die alone.

Logan Ury (00:26:01):

That's the title

Mel Robbins (00:26:02):

Off of your book, not Going to Die Alone. Okay, so you have this dating event, 27 people, 70 matches.

Logan Ury (00:26:06):

Oh yeah. 54 people, 70 matches. And then afterwards I sent them all a survey and I said, the person who you matched with, would you have said yes to them on a dating app? And many people said, no, not because I wouldn't have been interested in them, but they wouldn't have shown up on my app in the first place. They would've been filtered out by age, height, religion, or how far they live. For me, and this is such an important point for people to realize, is that if you were at a bar and you sat across from a guy and you had an amazing conversation or a gal or a gal, he had the cutest face or she had a cutest face, they had the cutest face and you had a great conversation and then they stood up and their body type or their height was different from what you expected, you'd likely still want to see them again.

Mel Robbins (00:26:49):

Yes.

Logan Ury (00:26:49):

But when you set your filters to really make it so strict and to have this bouncer keep them out of your club, you're not even getting the chance to meet them in the first place.

Mel Robbins (00:26:58):

I love this analogy. So what is the specific advice to the person listening? Do you just remove all filters? What do you recommend that someone do? If you're in that camp where you're frustrated and you're blaming the algorithm, but you haven't actually ever looked at your own filters,

Logan Ury (00:27:15):

So my old advice for this used to be expand your filters and to get less picky. So that's not what we should do. Well, in my dating class, I realized that a percentage of the population is also not picky enough. So for the majority of people, how the hell do I know? It basically is things like, do you feel like you have too many options and that you're getting overwhelmed? And is that leading to burnout or do you consistently feel like you're holding up your phone saying, where's my wife? Where's my husband? Where's my significant other? I don't have enough matches.

Mel Robbins (00:27:47):

Got it

Logan Ury (00:27:47):

And it also is a mindset shift. Where are you somebody who's constantly finding flaws in other people or are you someone who keeps saying things like, well, they didn't treat me that well, but they pursued me. But most people I work with do tend to be on the too picky side. And for them, I would say, if you remove all filters, that's going to be chaotic, but look at your age filters. Can you go up a little bit in the maximum? Can you go down a little bit in the minimum? Look at your geography filter. Can you make that broader? What are other ways that you're filtering people out? And can you actually focus less on that and focus more on the things that really matter?

Mel Robbins (00:28:25):

And for the people that feel like they're not picky enough, but they're just overwhelmed, overwhelmed, overwhelmed, and really bummed by the choices, what is the advice there?

Logan Ury (00:28:36):

So one thing that we found in our research at Hinge that I use a lot in my coaching is that when women feel very overwhelmed, it's often because they don't feel like they're in the driver's seat of their dating life.

(00:28:47):

And so they say, oh yeah, I don't comment on anyone's photos. I don't send any likes. Why would I am getting so many incoming messages. And then I say to them, that's like saying, oh, I really want to find my dream job, but I'm only responding to the LinkedIn messages that recruiters are sending me. No one has ever gotten their dream job by waiting for an incoming message from a recruiter. You have to go out and look for it. And so what we found in our research is that the more that you're in the driver's seat, the more that you feel like you are pursuing people and that you're going after what you want, the less burned out you feel.

Mel Robbins (00:29:21):

Oh, that's incredible. I need to make sure that you just heard that. The more that you put yourself in the driver's seat by commenting, by pursuing people that you're interested in or potentially interested in by talking to people in real life, the less burnt out you're going to be. And I would imagine the more likely going to actually meet somebody that you can have a meaningful relationship with. This brings me to a question that I got from a listener named Hannah. She is 28 years old. The question is, in my experience, it seems like whenever you go out in public, everyone, men and women only hang out with their friend group. No one is branching out, no one is walking up to people to say hello, no one is interested in meeting new people. Is this true or is this just me?

Logan Ury (00:30:10):

So this is something that I started noticing around 10 years ago where people feel like they want to date on their phone, and one of the main reasons is I know who's single, I know who might be interested, and if the person rejects me, it's way easier to just not hear back from someone than to have someone to your face say, I'm not interested.

Mel Robbins (00:30:27):

Well, I actually would take this a step deeper. The reason why it's easier to do this on your phone is because you don't have to deal with any of the psychological friction

(00:30:37):

Of walking up to a stranger in a bar and striking up a conversation. And so there's an active avoidance. See, I don't think that people want to necessarily be on the phone. I think we've trained ourselves to default to the easier thing. When I read Hannah's thing, and I'm going to echo exactly what you've been saying is that no one is interested in meeting new people in real life. Is this true? Is it just me? I would say, yes, it's true, and it's you. And this ends the second you push yourself to turn and talk to people in real life.

(00:31:15):

That again, the fact that the apps are out there, they facilitate connection. But if you are not actually talking to and striking up conversation with and talking to people in real life that you're drawn to, then you're, in my opinion, not actually dating. You are being lazy. You're sitting around hoping the app is going to facilitate this when you've got to be an active participant in creating the thing that you want. And the truth is, there's people all around you, not just on your phone, but it is scary to walk up to somebody. It's awkward to strike up the conversation. And if you're not in the mode of just casually talking to people that you find kind of interesting, you're never going to do it because you've got the easier option. One of the questions that I was curious about is what Logan are some of the most common patterns that people of all ages fall into when it comes to dating and being online, and how can they start breaking them?

Logan Ury (00:32:13):

Yeah, so one thing I do want to say to Hannah is that's absolutely what I'm seeing in general, and I feel this is something that we've really seen in our hinge research on Gen Z. And so I did a bunch of research with Gen Z, and if you look online, there's a lot of things about how they love dark humor and they're very nihilistic. So I thought, oh, they're the most pragmatic generation. They're not going to be that romantic, but that's not what we found. We found that Gen Z was actually 39% more likely than millennials to say that they believe in a soulmate and that there's one person out there for you. So we have this generation that's very idealistic and looking for their own romcom, yet at the same time, they're crippled by their fear of rejection. And this was made even worse by the pandemic, and there's lots of research to support this that they weren't having in-person conversations. They weren't dealing with conflict. And so they want love, but many of them say that they're not willing to put themselves out there because of fear of rejection.

Mel Robbins (00:33:11):

Well, how the hell are you going to meet somebody if you won't put yourself out? Exactly. And it doesn't matter if you first met on an app or if you first met through friends. Once you're on the date, you're on the date, who cares how you met? And you need to have hard conversations. Who are you? What are you looking for? And so I really feel like something that I'm nervous about for people in the future is if you won't take risks, if you're not willing to put yourself out there and get rejected, how are you ever going to get what you want?

(00:33:37):

Do you see this with both men and women?

Logan Ury (00:33:41):

Oh, yeah. This research was really across all genders, and we found that a lot of people are holding themselves back. 56% of people are not pursuing a particular romantic interest because of fear of rejection.

Mel Robbins (00:33:54):

Wow.

Logan Ury (00:33:55):

Even though they want it. Yes, because do you know Sherry Turkle? No. She's a Harvard professor and she's been studying online behavior for a long time. And so I spoke to her about 10 years ago and she just talked about the fact that people now don't know how to have these hard conversations. They don't know how to apologize in person. They don't have to face the consequences. And I think that it's having a lot of impacts, both in terms of things like ghosting where you can really leave someone hanging and you don't have to deal with their hurt feelings. But then also in not taking a

Mel Robbins (00:34:28):

Risk. I think this, not taking a risk is a much bigger thing.

Logan Ury (00:34:32):

Me too.

Mel Robbins (00:34:33):

And for women in particular, if you look back at just sort of the messaging of Prince Charming coming and being rescued

Logan Ury (00:34:46):

And

Mel Robbins (00:34:46):

Finding your soulmate, there is this illusion that someone else is going to pick you and what you're saying over and over and over again, especially to women. But this goes to you guys too, that there is an essential part of being willing to put yourself out there. And look, I know it takes a lot to get yourself on the apps and put yourself out there, but there is a part in real life that you need to be doing at the same time when you bump into somebody that's really interesting, regardless of your age, regardless of your gender. One of the thing I wanted to just quickly ask you about is that I've also noticed this trend of kids that go to college and stay with their high school sweetheart, and that almost like one of the things that my daughter said, it wasn't only in college, but now that they're out of college, she said so many of her friends are so discouraged by the dating that they've gone back to an ex that they know. I'm wondering if you're just seeing anything in your research like that

Logan Ury (00:35:51):

Too. I haven't specifically heard that, but that is something where I would really recommend that the person take a look at their own behavior and really do a relationship audit and sit there and say, who are the people I've dated in the past? What were they like? What did I like about that relationship? What did I not like? What side of me did they bring out? What do I want to take forward into the future and what do I want to do differently? And then really use that to make more informed choices in the future. And of course, sometimes Xs get back together, but I feel like reading between the lines of your questions, it's not necessarily that this was such a good match for them. It was more that it's safer and it's something that they already know. And so for those people, I would say, are you doing the safe thing? And how can you actually use your twenties as a time of experimentation? And that's one of the things I say over and over to people is date, like a scientist, a scientist has a hypothesis and then they test it and they're willing to be proven right or wrong.

(00:36:49):

And I feel like a lot of times people just come to me and they say, Logan, I know exactly what I want. I want a five, six skinny redhead. Help me find her. And I was like, you think you know what you want, but you're wrong. Let's actually experiment and why don't you date someone totally different and see how that feels. I do that for women who are obsessed with dating tall guys. I'm like, go on some date with some short guys and see how it feels. And so for your daughter's friends and for anyone listening, what are the assumptions you're making about who you want to be with and how can you actually test that by dating other types of people? And so often with my clients, they'll come to me and they'll say, I went on this date and he's not really my type. And in my head I hear ding, ding, ding. Because I'm like, yeah, your type hasn't been serving you. Let's see who this person is, and maybe that's who you're going to end up with for me. Do you think that my type was a five foot eight redheaded vegan engineer?

Mel Robbins (00:37:43):

Is that your husband you're describing? Yes. Okay. I'm like, okay. I'm feeling like there is a theme here. Yeah, I'm

Logan Ury (00:37:48):

Just saying it's like the person I dated. A lot of people, the person who made me happiest in my life is someone who has an opposite personality from me, has different interests than me, but we just share a sense of humor. He's so smart. I love his advice. I really admire him. And so I think when people get so stuck on this checklist and these superficial qualities, they're actually missing out on a lot of essential pieces.

Mel Robbins (00:38:12):

Well, what I love about this conversation is that it's super easy to blame the app.

Logan Ury (00:38:18):

And

Mel Robbins (00:38:18):

I'm not saying dating culture isn't toxic and become even more so and commoditized, but what I do agree with is that you got to take a look at yourself

Logan Ury (00:38:28):

A hundred percent.

Mel Robbins (00:38:29):

And there are ways in which you are being unrealistic. You are filtering out people. You are not open. You're also not behaving consistent with what you want off the app. And so...

Mel Robbins (00:38:40):

I love that you keep coming back to that. You write about, and I've heard you mention before that this idea that the instant spark is a myth. Can you explain why our obsession with the instant chemistry and the soulmate might be holding someone back from finding their partner?

Logan Ury (00:38:58):

Yeah. So can I curse?

Mel Robbins (00:39:00):

Yes, you can.

Logan Ury (00:39:01):

Okay, great. So I have a chapter in my book called Fuck the Spark. And this has become sort of my unofficial motto because I have so many coaching clients who come to me and they're like, we went on this great date. We had so much to talk about. I'm really glad that I met her. I'm not going to see her again. I'm like, what are you talking about? And they'll say, I just didn't feel the spark. And so the spark has become my nemesis because it's this all encompassing term that means instant chemistry, fireworks, puppies, butterflies, and people have really unrealistic expectations around it. And so there are three myths of the spark. The first one is that if you don't have a spark in the beginning, it can't grow. And that's absolutely not true. Research shows that only 11% of couples felt love at first sight.

(00:39:49):

Really? Yeah. And many people say, oh, we worked together and the interest grew over time, or I wasn't going to say yes to the second date, but then I did, and I found that I really liked them more over time. And so the spark definitely can grow. The second myth is that if you feel a spark, it's a good thing. And that's definitely not always the case. Some people are just really sparky. And I always think about my friend Archie, where the first few times I met him, I was like, whoa, we really have a connection. And then I talked to my friend who I had never said that to, and she's like, I feel like Archie and I really have a connection. And I was like, oh, Archie's just really sparky. It has nothing to do with us. And so some people just are that way.

(00:40:32):

They give that feeling to many people. It's not about your connection, it's about who they are. And then the third one is that if you have a spark, the relationship is viable. And that's also not true. There are couples that I interviewed for my book who are unhappily together or now divorced, and they met the right way. They had this romantic, we met story, but then the relationship was actually not a good fit, but they were so attached to their origin story that they felt like it could keep them alive. And so the spark is enough to get the relationship going, but it's definitely not enough to keep it going.

Mel Robbins (00:41:07):

So what do you want us to know about the spark?

Logan Ury (00:41:11):

So fuck the spark and go after the slow burn. The slow

Mel Robbins (00:41:16):

Burn. So the advice is pay attention to the slow burn.

Logan Ury (00:41:20):

Yes. A lot of the best people out there are people who other people overlooked because they don't spark on a first date. They're not particularly extroverted. Maybe they're not the most charming. It takes them time to warm up. But these are such solid, reliable, incredible partners. And I'm not saying go after the boring person. I'm saying that some people are really, really sparky when you meet them and you feel very drawn to them. But a lot of the best relationships are with people who are consistent and who will be a great partner longterm.

Mel Robbins (00:41:51):

Well, this gets back to your point that I think we're going to come back to over and over again, which is if it's not working, look in the mirror.

(00:41:58):

And when you said spark, it also reminded me of research that we wrote about in my book, the Let Them Theory about how if you are in this pattern where you keep meeting people and it's like, oh my God, amazing. And it's not working out based on the research, you're more likely to stay in that same pattern because the spark is coming from a dysfunctional connection between you and the type of person you keep choosing, whether it's the drama or the this or the that, or people you're trying to fix or this excitement and spark around chasing people that are not available. And so I love that you're reminding us yet again, we are chasing something instead of sitting down and figuring out what do we actually want and how can I choose that with my behavior? How can I choose that with my filters? How can I choose that by looking at a slow burn and giving somebody a chance to grow on me?

Logan Ury (00:42:57):

Yeah, you just really summarized my whole philosophy, which is really that a lot of times people come to me and they say, I live in the worst city for dating. There's nobody good out there. And then instead of focusing on the other people who they can't control, I really encourage them to look at their own behavior, point out their dating blind spots, and then choose a different path. And so I know you know this from writing a lot of books, but you put out a book and you don't necessarily know what will pop off. But from my book, this concept of the three Dating tendencies has become really popular because it's really about identifying what you are doing to hold yourself back. And so it's all about unrealistic expectations.

Mel Robbins (00:43:36):

What are the three dating

Logan Ury (00:43:37):

Tendencies? So the first one is the romanticize. And you'll probably think of different people in your life that are each of these. So the romanticizes, that person who's looking for the soulmate, one person for life, I want the romantic rom-com. We met story, we both reach for the tomato at the same time, and they feel like if I find my soulmate, everything about the relationship will be easy.

(00:43:59):

The second type is, oh, so the first type has unrealistic expectations of relationships. The second type is the maximizer, and they have unrealistic expectations of their partner. This is the person who's always looking for something better. I want her looks, her ambition, her family background, and I just need to find this Frankenstein version that has all that, and then I'll be ready. And they always wonder, is there somebody better out there? And it's hard for them to ever choose because they feel like I should just keep looking. And then the third type is theor. And they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. And they're the person who says, I'm not lovable right now. Why would anyone date me right now? I'm going to wait until I lose 10 pounds until I have a more impressive job. Then I'll start dating. And so they're not putting themselves out there at all.

Mel Robbins (00:44:48):

And what is the advice to each one of these? So if you are the person that's a romanticize, unrealistic expectations, you're looking for the instant soulmate love story, and now you're getting discouraged, what's the advice?

Logan Ury (00:45:03):

So romanticizes are hard for me because they feel like I'm popping their bubble, that I'm bursting their bubble. But what I like to tell them is what's romantic is finding somebody and building a relationship. Who cares how you met? If you're in a 50 year marriage, the day you met is 0.0055% of your total relationship. So really get out of the obsession with, I want to meet the romantic way. No, what's romantic is that you met, and there's this framework called the Soulmate Mindset versus the Work it out mindset. It's from psychologists, Renee Franny Young, and what she says is that soulmate mindset people, what they think is if you find the perfect person, everything else is easy. And so when they encounter problems in their relationships, they give up. The work at Out mindset is a great relationship, is one where you both work to make it great, and you can tackle any problem that comes your way. So the advice for them is to shift from the soulmate mindset to the work at out mindset.

Mel Robbins (00:46:03):

And it makes so much sense because if you're looking for a soulmate, it means they're the solution to your problems. I love that advice for the maximizer who's trying to take a piece of this person and a piece of that person and build the perfect Frankenstein man or woman and partner for themselves. And what is the advice there?

Logan Ury (00:46:21):

So probably most of my clients are maximizers because I work with a lot of tech CEOs and finance people and people who are like, yeah, I write job descriptions all the time, and then a recruiter finds that person for me, and then they want to do that for dating. I think a lot of us with online research feel like I can research my way to the right answer. And you're never going to get that with dating. And I actually think that's a really hard shift for people to understand that you'll never feel like, oh yeah, I'm a hundred percent sure that this is the person. You sort of have to trust yourself and then take a leap. Do you not believe in a soulmate? Not at all. I actually don't either. I, there's so many people that you can make it work with and you'll have different stories with different people. But I love my life with my husband, but I could have had a different life with someone else. I don't

Mel Robbins (00:47:06):

Think that's a hard thing for a lot of people to give up is this belief that there is someone out there

(00:47:14):

That is solely, uniquely meant for you. And here's what I'm going to say about that. I believe that you can make an incredible life and relationship work with thousands and thousands of people. I do believe on a deeply spiritual and energetic level that when you believe that, you open yourself up to possibility, which allows you to meet the person that's meant for you. I completely, so I kind of believe in both, but not. But I don't take the approach in life of I got to figure out the needle in the haystack, and that's how I'm going to find it. I'm like, I'm open to this.

Logan Ury (00:47:51):

Of course, you want to choose someone who you can have a great relationship with, but great relationships are built. They're not discovered.

Mel Robbins (00:48:00):

I love that. Did

Logan Ury (00:48:01):

You hear that everybody?

Mel Robbins (00:48:03):

Great relationships are built. They're not discovered.

Logan Ury (00:48:07):

And if you really understand that you can build the relationship of your dreams. It takes the pressure off of finding the perfect person. I am definitely a maximizer in my life, and it is challenging for me. But there's, instead of the maximizer framework, there's something called a satisfier. So this is somebody who says, I have expectations and they can be really high, but once I find something that satisfies those expectations, I'm going to go with it and not overthink it. So during the pandemic, I needed to buy my first car and my husband and I said, okay, we want something used, something that's hybrid and we want to spend under this amount. We went to two places. There was one red used Toyota Camry hybrid, and we bought it. And I love our car, and it didn't spend months looking for the perfect car. I said, this meets our expectations. Let's do it. And so Satisficing, we know from the research that they're happier because they don't spend their whole lives saying, what about this? What about that? They say, I wanted to find someone who I was attracted to who was funny and who was smart. I found her. I'm going to invest in her. That person's so much happier than the guy who spends another decade looking for this perfect person.

Mel Robbins (00:49:13):

I have a feeling there's someone in my life that I think is probably a maximizer, and it's really cute because they're in a relationship and their partner recently said to them, I can learn to cook. You can learn to play this sport. These are skills we can build together totally. It doesn't mean that things aren't going to change over time. Don't penalize me for the fact that I'm not actually perfect right now. I can grow with you and you can grow with me.

Logan Ury (00:49:44):

I love that. There's this quote that I love from Charles Darwin, which is, it's not the strongest species that survives nor the most intelligent. It's the one that's most responsive to change. And that's great advice for relationships because it's not the couple that was the most in love when they met or had the most in common. It's the couple that acknowledges, we're going to have a long relationship together and I'm going to change and you're going to change, and we need to adapt to that.

Mel Robbins (00:50:11):

What about theor?

Logan Ury (00:50:13):

Theor who I do have a soft spot for? It's really about getting out there, and it reminds me of your quote, start before you're ready because nobody's ever a hundred percent ready. And so I have clients who read tons of books about dating. They're excited to talk to me, but they're not going on any dates. And I'll say to them, we can't have another appointment until you have gone on at least three dates because they're not putting themselves out there. And then they say, but I'm so bad at it. I'm like, nobody wakes up one day and knows how to play the guitar. You practice and you get better at it. So the only way to get better at dating is by dating. And so start before you're ready. Set a deadline for yourself. Get some cute outfits. Pick some fun first date ideas. Have a friend hold you accountable and just start dating.

Mel Robbins (00:50:59):

Meaning how do you start? What are the top three things to do? If you're like, okay, I've done that. I'm on the app. Does it mean you got to reach out, you got to set a date? Is that what that is?

Logan Ury (00:51:08):

The number one thing is having a great profile. So I can tell you some good profile

Mel Robbins (00:51:12):

Tips.

Logan Ury (00:51:12):

Yes. Let's hear the

Mel Robbins (00:51:13):

Profile

Logan Ury (00:51:14):

Tips. So in our research at Hinge, we found that your first photo should be a clear headshot. No filters, no sunglasses, just what do you look like. And then in your photos, you

Mel Robbins (00:51:23):

Should professional headshot, a selfie with friends with

Logan Ury (00:51:25):

Not, I'm using the term headshot a little loosely, but just a photo of your face where it's clear to see what you look like alone. Nobody else in it.

Mel Robbins (00:51:34):

Definitely. Do you see that in the data that you don't want somebody else

Logan Ury (00:51:37):

In it? Oh yeah. It's so confusing. People are just like, which one are you? And then they don't investigate. They just say, that's annoying. And they say no.

Mel Robbins (00:51:43):

Okay. Did you hear that? Everybody

Logan Ury (00:51:45):

Just you. It literally is answering the question, what do you look like? So just show us your face in your photos. You should have a photo of you doing something that you love. So if you like hiking, if you love playing Scrabble, just paint a picture for us of your life. Then you have a full body shot. That's something that came up in the research. People want to see what you look like. And

Mel Robbins (00:52:07):

The reason is that there is an assumption if I can't see your body, that you're hiding something.

Logan Ury (00:52:13):

Not necessarily. It's just something where we looked at the research of the profiles of people who were really successful, what did they include

Mel Robbins (00:52:21):

And what does successful mean?

Logan Ury (00:52:23):

Meaning that they're finding matches and deleting the app because they're in a relationship.

Mel Robbins (00:52:27):

Well, that's a great success thing for Hinge. It's not. So I love that you're measuring success not by how many people are getting likes and because part of when you said full

Logan Ury (00:52:38):

Body,

Mel Robbins (00:52:39):

I immediately went, but what about people's bias and what about the fact that there are human beings with ridiculous expectations and judgments? And also there is this known behavior that people engage in of crowding towards certain people. I would imagine if some people are like, but I don't want to put my body up. You're actually saying that showing your body in a photo is really important.

Logan Ury (00:53:08):

Yeah. I'm just trying to give people the practical tools of what successful daters do differently. Great.

Mel Robbins (00:53:13):

And this is based on the people that actually meet somebody and then delete the

Logan Ury (00:53:16):

App, which is

Mel Robbins (00:53:17):

The goal.

Logan Ury (00:53:18):

It's interesting because that really is what success looks like for people. So these are just tools to get to the point where you can go on your last first date.

Mel Robbins (00:53:27):

Oh, I love that. That's really cool. How do you distinguish between what's actually a real deal breaker for you and just you're a picky person or you have a little pet peeve, like somebody who's a little messy, or maybe they like to spend the weekends fishing and you don't like fishing, or maybe you love to watch soccer and they don't like to watch soccer. How do you distinguish for yourself and give yourself a reality check?

Logan Ury (00:53:52):

So I'm laughing at this because pet peeves have become a pet peeve for me where I get so frustrated with people where I met this woman a while ago and she was like, Logan, I'm single. Do you know anyone I'm open to? Anyone you want to set me up with? Unless he's a mouth breather. What? And I was like, what? And she's like, oh, people who breathe out of their mouths, it's so annoying. And so people have this list of pet peeves that are small things that annoy them more than maybe they annoy someone else, but they confuse them for deal breakers.

Mel Robbins (00:54:23):

Real fundamental incompatibilities that mean that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone. So a deal breaker would be something like, I smoke and you have asthma, or I celebrate this religion, you practice this other religion. And we both want to raise our kids in our own religion. Yes, we're probably not going to work out as a couple, but people should really sit down, make a list of their deal breakers, and then ask themselves, is this a real incompatibility? And if not, just move it to the pet peeves list and don't focus on it. And so I never tell people to settle. That's kind of like the big S word in my work. But I do say double down on the things that matter and be willing to compromise on the things that don't.

(00:55:04):

Before I ask the next question, I would love for one of our listeners named Molly to ask you a question. Let's do it.

Molly (00:55:11):

Hi, Mel. I'm 23 and feeling super burnt out by the dating process. Now that I am out of school, it's not as easy to meet new guys, and I hate going on first dates. I would much rather meet a guy organically. Do you have any advice of where I should go or what I should do to meet new people?

Logan Ury (00:55:33):

Great. So we've been talking a lot about online dating. So I'll actually shift to talk about how to meet more people in real life. So my favorite concept for this is a framework I have called the events decision matrix. We might want to actually draw it out. It's very visual, but you basically draw a two by two.

Mel Robbins (00:55:51):

So for those of you who are not techie like myself, she's basically making a box, a quadrant that has four squares in it. So just draw a line up and down, and then you can draw a little square around it. You get four cubes.

Logan Ury (00:56:06):

So at the top of the line, the vertical line, you say, likelihood that I'll meet someone at this event.

Mel Robbins (00:56:15):

Okay, so right or left

Logan Ury (00:56:17):

On the top

Mel Robbins (00:56:18):

Of the top. So on the top of this thing you're going to write, okay, what's the likelihood that you're going to meet someone at an event?

Logan Ury (00:56:25):

Okay,

Mel Robbins (00:56:25):

Yeah. So for example, if I went to the Red Sox, probably not going to meet somebody super into the game and unless I'm standing in line for the beer, although I could meet somebody in line.

Logan Ury (00:56:36):

And then on the right hand side you'll say, likelihood, you'll enjoy it. Enjoy this event,

Mel Robbins (00:56:42):

Enjoy this event. Yep.

Logan Ury (00:56:46):

So I created this because I felt like I was working with a lot of busy people who were like, I really want to meet someone in real life, but I'm busy and what event should I prioritize? So my recommendation for Molly and for anyone else is that look at a bunch of events. Look on Facebook, look on meetup, follow different museums. Whatever you're into, look. And then every time there's an event, you plot it on here. And the things that you think about are what's the likelihood that people interact at this event? So maybe you love horror movies, but people don't really talk at a movie marathon versus a book club. It's all about talking and meeting

Mel Robbins (00:57:21):

True.

Logan Ury (00:57:22):

So the higher likelihood it is that people will meet at this event, the higher it goes on here, and then on the right you say, what's the likelihood that I'll enjoy it? So maybe you actually don't like reading, so that's not a good fit for you, but you like bike repair workshops. So things that fall in the upper right hand quadrant are things where people are likely to interact and you're likely to enjoy it. And those are the events that you should go to. And the reason why I'm getting so mathematical about this is because I really want people to spend time at the things that are worth their while so that they don't get burned out. So if you really are going to like the event, then who cares if you met someone or not? You still did something that you liked. And really just take that moment to think about will people there be talking? So I actually feel like a Red Sox game could be good for this.

Mel Robbins (00:58:09):

That's true actually. It's

Logan Ury (00:58:10):

Like if you are a fan, you could talk to the people who are around you. One of my hottest tips for meeting people in real life is just get into a line and start talking about the line. How long have you been in this line? What are you going to order? Do you have any recommendations here? Honestly, it's like people do want to connect, but they don't know how to do it, and we are out of practice. And so another piece of advice I have for people is A, B, F. Always be flirting.

Mel Robbins (00:58:37):

Okay, what does that mean?

Logan Ury (00:58:38):

It means that imagine that you're at a bar and you see the hottest person and you want to approach them, but guess what? You haven't approached someone in two years. You're not going to be good at it because you're out of practice. So how can you practice flirting with everyone, flirting with the world? And I mean flirting as kind of a catchall term for interacting with people. So you're waiting to get a haircut and the guy behind you is also waiting. Talk about getting your haircut, whatever it is, practice talking to people in elevators. Practice talking to people at the grocery store so that when you do meet that person you're romantically interested in, you actually have the social skills to approach them.

Mel Robbins (00:59:15):

This is so important because I do see a lot of people who complain about the apps and complain about the dating and then don't do anything.

(00:59:24):

Walk around, look at their phone, work from home. Don't put themselves out there. And putting yourself out there means saying hello to people. I wanted to go to one other aspect of Molly's question. She's bad at first dates. Do you have any advice for somebody who believes they're bad at first dates? Because if you believe you're bad at first dates, you're not going to go on them and you're also going to continue to be bad on first dates. So what are the big tips on how to be better on first dates while you're still getting better at first dates?

Logan Ury (00:59:55):

Yes. I have a lot of thoughts around this. So I would first want to ask Molly, what are you not enjoying about the first dates? Is it that there's a lot of small talk? Are you just spending time in the shallow end of the conversation pool? How can you actually be talking about more interesting things? So I sit next to people in restaurants all the time on first dates, and they are so painstakingly boring. And then I'm just like, please stop talking about how many siblings you have. Who cares? That doesn't define you

Mel Robbins (01:00:22):

Well, what the hell do you talk about?

Logan Ury (01:00:24):

So a trick that I have for people is this concept. It's a Latin phrase called in rez, which means in the middle of things. So you can walk into a date and say, I was listening to the most interesting Mel Robbins podcast on the way here, and she has this concept called Let Them. And it really made me reflect on this. What do you think about this? Getting advice from people hearing how they think when you just exchange information that's so boring. And that's a real reason why people get burned out because they're like, I go on the same exact date at the same exact bar, having the same conversation. My friend Kristen calls this press play conversations. You have a tape in your head, you press play and you say, I went to college here. I studied this. Now I do this. It's like you're fucking bored. Their fucking bored. You're not having an experience. How can you actually have a real experience where you're in the moment processing new things and talking and not boring each other out of your minds?

Mel Robbins (01:01:18):

And what's cool about this advice is you're actually in control of this. How do you coach somebody who might be shy or are in press play conversations and they've never thought about it this way?

Logan Ury (01:01:28):

So I had a client who I thought was so funny, she was really cool, really interesting. I was a fan of hers. And then she told me that she was consistently getting feedback from people that she wasn't memorable or she wasn't remarkable. Obviously they said it in nicer ways, but she just wasn't standing out. And so I said to her, come in with hot takes. Tell us your hot takes. What is a hot take? A hot take is why Goldendoodles are overrated.

Mel Robbins (01:01:53):

Oh, I

Logan Ury (01:01:54):

Agree, I love 'em. But

Mel Robbins (01:01:55):

Yes,

Logan Ury (01:01:55):

Why a taco is a sandwich. All of these different things and they can be silly or they can be serious. And the point is that you're being memorable, but you're having a conversation that that person has likely never had before. And then you get to see how my mind works and I get to see how your mind works. Another trick that I really tell people to do a lot is to ask for advice. It's not about creating a power imbalance, it's just that such a huge part of my life is asking my husband for advice and vice versa. And I love his advice because I really trust him. I think he's so smart. I think he has a good way of looking at the world, and I think he has my best interest at heart. So if you're on a date, it doesn't have to be something deep. You can just say, having this problem with my manager, he's giving me this, but I really think I should do this. What do you think I should do? Are they

Mel Robbins (01:02:42):

Able? I love that. I think that is a genius, genius tactic because you're right, it's not about a power dynamic. You're actually confident enough to say there's this thing going on. Exactly. You get it. And then you get to see how this person thinks,

Logan Ury (01:02:55):

See how they think. Can they listen? Can they empathize? Can they take a situation that they haven't been a part of, put themselves in it and give you advice? And look, a lot of people can't do that. And maybe that doesn't matter to everyone, but your partner is part of your life board of directors, and you better be able to trust them.

Mel Robbins (01:03:12):

Well, and here's the other thing, because you are coaching us on asking for advice or coming with a hot take, I would imagine the very first pushback that you get from people that you're working with is, but what if they don't like? And you've got to remember, this isn't about them picking you. This is about you being yourself to see if someone is worth picking for you. Having the courage to just show up as yourself and talk about what's going on and take some of these risks means you know are worthy enough to find somebody that can step into your life versus sitting there panic stricken about whether or not this person is going to want a second date. If they don't want a second date with you, you don't want 'em in your life. I want to play another question from Julian who wants to explain his frustrations with the dating apps these days. And I would love for you to hear this answer. Let's do it.

Julian (01:04:12):

Hi Mel. My name's Julian. I'm 25. I've been using dating apps on and off over the past decade for casual and serious relationship searching. Over the past decade, it's felt like dating apps have grown a business model that leverages men's desperation for women's attention and making it feel that if you don't pay money for these apps, you have a much lower chance of engaging with women. So my question is, do you feel there's a way that dating app products can redirect this trajectory to not encourage men to have to spend money to engage with women's intention and to produce less toxic culture around how men find connections in the real world?

Logan Ury (01:04:53):

I love this question because I feel like it's a chance to really empower him and to talk about what's in his control.

(01:04:59):

So the things that are in his control are having a great profile. We started talking about this before, but you want to do those particular things in your profile. The clear shot of what you look like, having a picture of you doing something you love. One with friends and family and a clear body shot. And then for your prompt responses on hinge, so the icebreakers you respond to, you really want to tell a story. So show your vulnerability, but also show your silly side and think about it as what are the parts of me that I want to share with someone else to paint a picture of what my life is like? So having a great profile is the first thing that you can do to really stand out to get better matches, to have the people who you like you back,

(01:05:41):

Because it feels like that's part of his frustration. The other thing is sort of training the algorithm on what you like. So being proactive, messaging people, sending comments instead of likes for people who aren't getting a lot of matches, that's one of the biggest changes that you can make is you can stand out by writing a really great comment, actually scroll down farther in their profile, find something that fewer people are commenting on, and spend that extra minute doing that writing exercise of sending a comment that's going to help you stand out. And I think so many people think that they're dating because they're just checking the boxes. I have a profile, I'm on hinge,

Mel Robbins (01:06:21):

I'm liking people

Logan Ury (01:06:21):

Message, I'm liking people. It's like, well, you aren't getting anywhere, so why don't you do something a little different or put in effort in the right places and then you're going to get a different result. And so I think that I totally hear this person's frustration around dating apps cost money, but I also, if he were here, would want to ask him, are you doing all the right things both online and offline to set yourself up for success?

Mel Robbins (01:06:44):

So we've talked a lot about online dating and the demographic that Hinge really focuses on twenties, thirties. I would love to age up a little bit.

Logan Ury (01:06:55):

Let's do it.

Mel Robbins (01:06:55):

And talk about what you're seeing for people who are in their forties, fifties, sixties, seventies. I remember when my mother-in-law, who's been a widower for a very long time, she actually got on the apps.

Logan Ury (01:07:09):

Oh really?

Mel Robbins (01:07:09):

Oh yeah. Her granddaughters helped her build my daughter helped her build a profile. And I remember her complaining even then, this would've been a decade ago, all the guys my age want somebody two decades younger. They all look terrible and didn't take good care of themselves. And I also have a friend in her fifties...

Mel Robbins (01:07:28):

who's never met anybody and feels very burnt out by the process of dating and dating online in particular. I actually want to play the question that my friend Jody had for you.

Logan Ury (01:07:44):

Let's do it.

Mel Robbins (01:07:45):

So let's hear this clip from my friend Jody.

Jody (01:07:48):

Hi Mel. My name is Jody and I'm 56 and single in Scottsdale. As I've gotten older, I find it more and more difficult to date and have lasting relationships. Many people in their fifties are challenged with balancing a demanding career, navigating children of all ages, managing relationships with their exes and caring for aging parents. When I do date, most of the problems are not the relationship itself, but managing all of the other complexities of the surrounding relationships. What suggestions do you have for navigating the challenges many of us face dating in midlife?

Logan Ury (01:08:28):

Really great question. And she sounds really nice. I'm glad she's your best friend

Mel Robbins (01:08:32):

She's amazing. I'm always like, why have you not met somebody? You are so fabulous.

Logan Ury (01:08:39):

I feel like that's an interesting part of the work that I do is that anywhere I go, people will pull me aside and be like, my sister's so amazing. Can you help her? It's like we all know some really amazing single people and we just have this question of why are they still single?

Mel Robbins (01:08:52):

Yes. Is that an appropriate question to have? Yes. You know what I mean? Is it judgy? I can think of honestly seven people in my life who I think are extraordinary. And then I look around, I'm like, all these other people have paired off. What the hell is going on? Freaking fantastic.

Logan Ury (01:09:10):

I know. I think about that a lot. And when I coach people, I'm only meeting them and I'm only hearing their side of the story. So their homework assignment before they meet with me is that they ask their friends and family, why do you think I'm single? And then they come to their coaching session and tell me what they say

Mel Robbins (01:09:26):

And what do you often hear?

Logan Ury (01:09:27):

You are too picky. You aren't putting yourself out there. You have unrealistic expectations. And then there's kind of the softie friends who are like, you're great. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm like, ah, well, you're paying me for a reason. So let's talk about what's going on. What is

Mel Robbins (01:09:41):

The hardest thing to hear

Logan Ury (01:09:43):

For that person

Mel Robbins (01:09:45):

Or the hardest feedback to give somebody? Because I don't think, I don't know about the too picky, I don't know about those things. Is there,

Logan Ury (01:09:54):

I think it's something like it really hurts me that I feel like you consistently are choosing people that are not good for you. And I don't know what to do to make you value yourself more or take yourself more seriously, but you need to run away from red flags that you are just not paying attention to.

Mel Robbins (01:10:14):

See, I think that's the thing that is probably present. If you've got somebody that is in a situation where they really haven't met somebody that they are dating people that are not interested in a commitment, they're dating red flags, they're not willing to see those red flags. And maybe it is a pickiness thing moving towards somebody that you maybe might be shorter than you or older than you or have a body shape. And so is that kind of the hard feedback that you find when you really, you're working with somebody that's been single a long time?

Logan Ury (01:10:52):

There's honestly a lot of different stories that people have on the show. There's multiple people where I really had to coach them on being more vulnerable.

(01:11:01):

Our vulnerability is what makes us human and what makes people feel like they can connect with us. But so often it's what people think makes them undateable. And so about a year ago, I sent out this email that says, do you think you're undateable? And what do you think makes you undateable? And I got the most responses that I've ever gotten to any email where people are like, I'm undateable because I have an STI. I'm undateable because my partner in their twenties committed suicide. I'm undateable because I've never been in a relationship. I'm undateable because I've been in too many relationships. And then I worked with them on how to kind of own this thing. And so it's going on a date and having a narrative down where you say, this thing happened to me, it was really challenging. Here's what I did about it. You have a narrative that helps you own your story. You're not,

Mel Robbins (01:11:49):

Do you have to have that for your first date?

Logan Ury (01:11:51):

No. I don't think you have to talk about this on a first date, but people aren't even going on the first date because they're so worried about the moment it comes up.

(01:11:58):

And I want them to be going on the date and be ready if it comes up. So there's a person on the show who was disabled as a veteran, and there's a lot of stuff he can't do. And he isn't saying yes to any women who are athletic because, oh, well, when they want to go on a jog with me, I can't go jog with them. I'm like, you're an amazing guy. People would love to go on a date with you. They can go jog alone. They can jog with their friends. They're looking for a partner, but you are disqualifying you self because you don't want to have that conversation with them. And then that was my homework assignment that he did on the dates. And I feel like this undateable thing is really big because it really goes down to self-love. I don't think I'm lovable. I think there's something wrong with me. If you found out this thing about me, you would reject me. So I'm not even going to meet you, so you can't reject me. And the flip of that is to say, we all have shit that happened to us. I'm not asking for your permission to be here. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't want you to feel bad for me. I have baggage. You have baggage. Your baggage makes me feel safe.

Mel Robbins (01:13:03):

Wow. How do you handle in a relationship all the baggage that somebody comes with though? Do you have advice and did it come up in the show of dating somebody and they've got an ex and they have children and there is a lot of demands on their time and there may be a lot of stress when they're dealing with an ex, which is a huge factor when you're dating, when you're older.

Logan Ury (01:13:29):

Yes. How I would advise people who are 50 plus is the same that I would say to really any dater, which is everyone comes with a set of problems, choose the set of problems that you can handle. Think where people get into troubles, where they think, if I keep on dating, if I'm a maximizer, eventually I'll find someone with no problems. You should switch that to the mindset of what are problems that I can deal with? And so yes, maybe people have more baggage, but there's baggage that you can deal with and baggage that you can't, and you get to choose

Mel Robbins (01:14:01):

What are the top few skills that somebody that's a little bit older needs to learn to be better at dating as you get older.

Logan Ury (01:14:10):

Yes. One thing I do want to say to Jody and to anyone else who's in this age group is just, I talked about what's harder about dating at this age group, and I think it's true, but I also want to talk about what's easier. Great. I think that can be empowering. So one thing I really found on the show is that there's a greater sense of knowing yourself.

(01:14:26):

I do think that we know ourselves better as we grow up. I'm so much happier in my thirties than I was in my twenties because I'm more comfortable with who I am. I trust myself more. I feel less of a need to get approval from others. So I think that is a beautiful part of wisdom. As you get older, there's also less pressure to marry. And so I think that when you're dating in your twenties and thirties, there's so much pressure of am I going to raise kids with this person? Is my family going to accept them? Well, guess what? When you're dating in this age group, you're not about to have kids with them. So you can choose someone who you might not have chosen the first time around. You actually are open to dating different types of people because there's less pressure.

Mel Robbins (01:15:05):

I love that. It's true. It's absolutely true. What are some of the top skills that you believe people that are dating when they're older need to learn?

Logan Ury (01:15:19):

The first thing that I would do is really reflect on what you want. So you may not want a traditional relationship. There's a big trend of living apart together where you don't merge your households, you don't merge your finances. You can be married or you can be in a really relationship, but you don't have to give up your house or your apartment and be open to things working a different way. Another thing is to really know yourself. So what are my patterns? What have I been doing over and over? What do I want to do differently this time? And really what we've been saying, look in the mirror. Another thing is that societal norms are changing. This came up on the show, the later daters, where I would say to someone, you're following an outdated playbook. Stop being so coy. Call the guy back. Tell him that you're interested. You are a career businesswoman, but you're in the corner not expressing what you want. Just go after it. And so sort of understand what outdated models you're currently following.

Mel Robbins (01:16:17):

I love that. I absolutely love that. One of the things that I've loved about talking to you, Logan, is just, it's achieved this mission that I had of really trying to understand the difference between the app and it facilitating connection. And you were fantastic at giving us very specific things to do

(01:16:43):

In order to widen the aperture and to also separate the app itself from just the toxic behavior of people and the difficulties that have always been in dating around rejection and people not following up, and just how hard it can feel to push yourself out there. That's always been a thing. But you've also kind of left us with this message about there's so much in your control, and if you find that you're just blaming the apps and blaming the apps and blaming the apps, you're missing the biggest source of your power, which is what's in your control. And what are your parting words to the person listening?

Logan Ury (01:17:23):

My advice for everyone and not just for dating, is life doesn't happen to you. And if that is your way of thinking about the world, you're really missing out. So the client who says to me, these situation ships keep happening and nobody will commit to me, well, they're not happening to you. You are choosing people who are not ready, who are not emotionally open, who don't want to commit to you, and then you're saying life is happening to me. That's being in the passenger seat of your love life and your life in general. So get out of the car, move to the driver's seat, take control of your dating life, and that's really how you're going to find and build the relationship of your dreams.

Mel Robbins (01:18:03):

And what is the very first step based on everything that we've talked about that you want someone listening to do as soon as they're done with this, to truly put themselves in the driver's seat about what they want.

Logan Ury (01:18:17):

If you are single and you've been single for a long time, take my quiz. Find out what your dating tendency is, embrace the fact that you're aor and you need to put yourself out there. Understand that you're a romanticize and that you're very focused on the we met. Know that you're a maximizer and you're trying to find the perfect person, own that, grieve it a little bit, and then make a plan to move past it and really find what you're looking for.

Mel Robbins (01:18:41):

I love that. Logan Urie, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. And I also want to thank you for spending time together with us. I know that you're going to be sending this episode and sharing this with all of your single friends and all of the young adults in your life. I'm so excited to hear how you put this to use. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And if part of that means finding an incredible partnership, I think you just got incredible tactical advice and a whole new perspective and way to look at the apps that will empower you and the people that you love to do that. Alrighty, I will be waiting for you in the very next episode, and I want to thank you for watching all the way to the end for sharing this with everybody in your life who deserves this data backed information.

(01:19:34):

I mean, this was incredible. It really blew my mind. And I love the optimism here that there's a lot in your control and a lot of it's about changing your mindset and your approach and not putting so much power in the hands of the apps. Alrighty, one more thing. I want you to hit subscribe, and the reason why is because I have a goal that 50% of the people that watch are subscribers of this channel. That means you. So hit subscribe. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for subscribing. I know you loved this, so I'm sure you're thinking. Mel, what video do I watch next? You're going to want to check out this one, and I'm going to be waiting for you when you hit play.

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Key takeaways

If you feel like you're constantly proving your worth in dating, you're not in a relationship, you’re in a cycle of self-abandonment and performance.
The right person won’t make you feel like you’re too much. They’ll see your energy, ambition, and emotion as strengths, not burdens.
“Being chosen” should never come at the cost of being yourself. True connection starts when you stop editing, shrinking, or shape-shifting.
If you're constantly wondering where you stand, you're not in love, you’re in survival mode, trying to earn a scrap of validation.
The most magnetic thing you can do in dating is stay rooted in yourself, even if it means walking away from someone who can’t meet you there.

Guests Appearing in this Episode

Logan Ury

Logan Ury is a Harvard-trained behavioral scientist, world-renowned researcher, dating expert, bestselling author, and one of the most trusted voices on modern dating and relationships.

Follow Logan on Instagram, TikTok & LinkedIn
Check out Logan’s website
Take Logan’s dating blind spots quiz

How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love.

Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how.

This “simple-to-use guide” (Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn:
- What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern)
- What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t)
- How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you)
- How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love)
- How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews)
- Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway)
This “data-driven” (Time), step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

Resources

- Stanford Report: Meeting online has become the most popular way U.S. couples connect, Stanford sociologist finds
- Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences: Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting
- The Economist: The science of love at first sight
- American Psychological Association: Sherry Turkle, PhD Social Psychologist
- Greater Good Magazine: How Smartphones Are Killing Conversation
- Psychology Today: Why You Should Stop Looking for a Soulmate
- Maria Shriver Sunday Paper: NYU Professor Scott Galloway on Our Current Gender Divide—and How to Come Together
- Hinge: Hinge’s First Gen Z Report Reveals Top Dating Trends and Tips to Find a Relationship in 2024
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Maximizing versus satisficing: Happiness is a matter of choice.
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation, coping, and longevity
- Hinge Labs: Getting dating down to a science.
- The Gottman Institute: Dating Anxiety: How to Move Forward
- National Council on Aging: Dating After 50: What You Need to Know
- Couple and Family Psychology: Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education
- Pew Research Center: Key findings about online dating in the U.S.‍
- Institute for Family Studies: What Ever Happened to Dating? The Rise of 'Just Talking' Relationships

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