What Every Mom Needs to Hear Today

Jessie (00:00:19):

Okay?

 

Mel Robbins (00:00:22):

She chose you.

 

Jessie (00:00:29):

Here we go. Still, I can't help but think

 

Mel Robbins (00:00:32):

I didn't do it right. I actually have a totally different point of view about this.

 

Jessie (00:00:35):

How do you remove the parenting pressure?

 

Mel Robbins (00:00:37):

Well, I just think it's something you deal with every single day. You get to decide if you want to go through life as a mom and put that much pressure on yourself. This is the single most important question a parent could ever ask a child. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm so excited for our conversation today. I love spending time with you. It's always an honor to be together. And if you're a brand new listener, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast, family. Boy, have you picked a winner? And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who values your family, and that can be your given family. It can be your chosen family, and you also value celebrating the special people in your life.

 

(00:01:27):

And I want to tell you something before we jump into the topic of all things moms and kids, and the connection between you and your mom. If someone sent you this episode, I'll tell you why. It's because they really want to have a closer connection with you. And if you're a mom, they probably sent it to you also to tell you you did a good job. And I think you're going to love hearing the conversation today because today you and I are talking all about moms, and you certainly have a mom, or if she's no longer with us, you had one or you had a mother figure. And if you are a mom or if you're about to be a mom, or if you're wondering, do I even want to have kids? Well, this is going to make you think so differently. First of all, about your own experience growing up, about the role of a parent, about the fears that are so normal to have before you become a parent.

 

(00:02:22):

The questions that people have about whether or not they even want to become a mom or a dad, this conversation is going to just crack open your heart. It's going to make you think about your own childhood, about your own mom. You're going to want to share this with your sisters, with your friends, with your mom, your daughter-in-laws, your daughters, anybody that's about to have kids, they're going to love this or just had a baby. I cannot wait to see how this opens up really amazing conversations with you and the people that you care about, that it makes you think differently about one of the most important jobs in the world. And that's the job of being a mom.

(00:03:09):

She's terrified and excited. And so today we're sitting down, you and me with Jessie, and we're getting real and honest about what nobody tells you about motherhood. And I'm super excited because Jessie literally could have her water break in the middle of this. That is how pregnant she is. I'm so excited to dive into this. Everything from pregnancy, parenting priorities, guilt, your relationship with your own parents. Let's get into it. Jessie, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. What's crazy about this, Jessie? What? Normally you're the one filming. I know, I know. Well, this is the only way I could get you off your feet. Your blood pressure is high.

 

Jessie (00:03:47):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:03:48):

And I know you're not supposed to be standing up, and so we put you in a chair and handed you a mic. And now we're going to talk all things motherhood. You ready? So ready. How long have we worked together? Four years. Four years. So we've worked at four years. Really? I know. Gosh. And so Jessie's pregnant with her first child. And what's really weird sitting with you is that I'm sitting here and I feel like we're at two totally different ends of the mom scale, where you are cooking a little baby in there and you're about to be a mom. And I today is Sawyer's 26th birthday.

 

Jessie (00:04:33):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:04:33):

And Kendall is 24 and Oakley is 19, soon to be 20. And so having, I can't believe I've been a mom for 26 years and they still talk to me.

 

Jessie (00:04:50):

Yes. They want to talk to

 

Mel Robbins (00:04:51):

You. So you're 36 weeks pregnant.

 

Jessie (00:04:54):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:04:55):

How are you feeling?

 

Jessie (00:04:56):

Oh my God. A lot is going on in my mind right now. What life is about to completely change and I think the most beautiful fulfilling way in terrifying way. And so that is what I'm so excited that we're here, that we get to just talk, have some girl talk

 

Mel Robbins (00:05:15):

And

 

Jessie (00:05:16):

Talk motherhood and everything that's coming with

 

Mel Robbins (00:05:18):

It. And there's so many things that I love about you, Jessie. And since you may not have met Jessie, I just want to tell you a little bit about Jessie. So Jessie and I met here in southern Vermont because we were both dragged here by people we love. She was dragged here by her husband and his job, and she left her dream job. So Jessie is not like I would say the kind of person who is super a girl, girl, you know what I'm saying? She worked at nascar. She was a producer and a video editor for the Baltimore Ravens. And then she moved up here and we've worked together for four years and she's run the studios up here. And so edited probably at least two thirds of the podcast episodes, shot a ton of them here. And so she is not somebody that I ever see get all that emotional about things, but she's already got tears in her eyes, so terrified. What are you terrified about?

 

Jessie (00:06:16):

Oh gosh. There's a fear of obviously the pain part of it, of actually pushing out a baby or however this little one is going to make her entrance. And the changes

 

Mel Robbins (00:06:28):

Like a cannon ball through your legs

 

Jessie (00:06:30):

Is what's going to happen. Yes, yes. Which like, oh my God, no one can really prepare you for that. No, but your body, the body knows, knows. And it's going to be 10 steps ahead of me. It already is, which is amazing.

 

Mel Robbins (00:06:41):

Yep. Because just so you understand, as you're listening to us, Jessie also is having some high blood pressure. And so she is, the baby is coming probably a month early.

 

Jessie (00:06:54):

Oh yeah. She's not going to make it 40 weeks. No,

 

Mel Robbins (00:06:57):

She's not going to make it 40 weeks. And so this could happen any day. And if my answers scared Jessie enough, we might just have the water break while we're filming this.

 

Jessie (00:07:05):

Yep. Live. Live. Yeah. I think it's that. It's the unknown. It's the fear of having her be born and then the fear of how the hell do I do this? How do you be a mom? Period. I've never done this before. What do you think

 

Mel Robbins (00:07:27):

The job of a mom is?

 

Jessie (00:07:31):

The first word that comes to mind is here we go, protector. I don't know why. Nurture, obviously. And I think there's a beautiful relationship there, especially since I'm having a little girl. Sorry. That I think is so exciting to have that relationship with and to do it how I want to do it. And then it just brings on like, well, I want to do it right. I want to make sure she knows how much she's loved. I want to make sure she knows how special she is, how important she, she's in this world, how valued she is in this world. So a lot of things come with that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:08:19):

Well, I think the fact that you've already listed off all those things means you're going to do it right to the best of your ability.

 

Jessie (00:08:28):

I'm going to try. Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:08:30):

What do you think doing it right looks like?

 

Jessie (00:08:32):

Oh man. So many things. I think it can be the start of packing the right things for the hospital bag. It can be the start of, I mean, it's so stupid. How much of that stuff takes up space in my mind? But doing it right as far as having making it to 40 weeks, I dunno if I'm going to make it to 40 weeks.

 

Mel Robbins (00:08:51):

Oh, for god's sakes, Jessie. I know. Do you think doing it right

 

Jessie (00:08:54):

Means means going weeks? Yes. They're doing it where? Not naturally, but just letting my body do it when my body wants to do it, not get induced.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:03):

So you think you're doing it wrong if you get induced?

 

Jessie (00:09:06):

Oh my God, it's been a rollercoaster this week. I think I put so much pressure on myself to let myself listen to my body first. And now it's like, Nope, you're going to have to probably get some help to start this. So that feels like I'm already not doing it. Right. And then it's also just how to do it right with how do you properly raise a little human?

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:28):

I don't know why you're asking me. So what do you think it means to get motherhood, right?

 

Jessie (00:09:36):

Raise a good human.

 

Mel Robbins (00:09:37):

Okay. Because you're very hard on yourself a little bit. So is there a right way to have the baby? Like you're 36 weeks pregnant right now. What would getting it right look like?

 

Jessie (00:09:48):

In my head, this is, so, again, this narrative I've created that just says you want to go into labor naturally. And right now, as of this week, my doctor said that ain't going to happen. So scratch that off. Okay. And how does that make you feel? Terrible. Why? Because I feel I've asked every doctor that I've had to see, did I do something wrong? Did I not exercise enough? Did I not eat the right things? Did I not sleep enough? Did I not? The list goes on and every time, no, no, no, no, no, nothing you did. But still, I can't help but think I didn't do it right to have her come naturally.

 

Mel Robbins (00:10:31):

I actually have a totally different point of view about this. I think now that she is actually able to survive without you. She has a soul and a spirit and a force of her own. And she's coming when she's damn ready and she's going to come however she's supposed to come. And it is all divinely ordered. And your biggest breakthrough as a parent is going to be to trust, to trust in her, to trust in Jim, to trust in you to figure it out.

 

(00:11:05):

Because if you focus on getting it right, you'll actually put that anxiety on your child because she will sense when you feel like you've gotten it wrong, and then she's going to start to feel like she's somehow responsible for that.

 

(00:11:23):

And isn't it interesting that you're sitting here focused on, I got to hit the due date and I got to go naturally, and I got to make sure that happens because this has got to be hitting the bullseye with a dart. It's crazy. Yes. You're doing that to yourself. Yeah, a hundred percent. And by the way, the 40 weeks is a guesstimate. That does not mean Sawyer came two weeks late.

 

Jessie (00:11:50):

Oh my God.

 

Mel Robbins (00:11:51):

Seriously. And it doesn't surprise me that of course she did. We had to drag her out of me with a vacuum and with forceps,

 

Jessie (00:11:58):

She was comfy.

 

Mel Robbins (00:11:59):

She just was like, I'm not ready.

 

Jessie (00:12:00):

No,

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:01):

I've worked out the details here was just like it was honestly, that was the precursor to the experience of writing the Letham theory book with her, because we were just intention all the time. I wanted to go this way. I'm not coming in this way. And so trust your daughter.

 

Jessie (00:12:18):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:18):

Oh, she chose you.

 

Jessie (00:12:28):

Sorry.

 

Mel Robbins (00:12:32):

What's that bring up for you?

 

Jessie (00:12:43):

Sorry. It brings up the path to get to her. It was not an easy path. We lost two before her. And you're right. There's a reason she made it and she's here and she is a little soul already, and they keep reiterating how healthy she is and how everything's good in there. And there's a reason it's her.

 

Mel Robbins (00:13:11):

And I want to validate that the feelings that you have of fear because you've lost two pregnancies, very real, and it's a sign that you're mentally Well, thank you Dr. Lisa Dior for giving us that reframe. It's a sign that you're mentally well after two experiences like that to be nervous about how this goes.

 

Jessie (00:13:34):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:13:36):

And you can hold space to be nervous and at the same time trust in your body and in your daughter and in your doctors, and in the fact that she's 36 weeks old and she's going to be just fine. You can trust in that and also be nervous. That's okay. That's how you do this, is you hold space for both. And that's exactly what parenting is. Parenting is holding space for your experience and the experience of another human being. Parenting is being able to hold space when your child is upset and struggling and be able to comfort them and also stand in the belief that you have the ability as a parent to be a guiding force, and they have their own unique experience and are capable of learning from life with you by their side. And if you stay in that lane, that parenting is about holding space for you and this other human being and trusting in the process of growing and learning together and understanding that your role is guiding and supporting and trusting in their own unique capacity to learn and to grow into who they are, then there's nothing to get right. Nothing.

 

Jessie (00:15:05):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:15:08):

What does that mean to you?

 

Jessie (00:15:09):

It makes me think about, so how do you remove that pressure right now that I'm totally putting on myself? No one else is doing this, Jim's not doing it, and I think I can already see that pressure's probably going to come back when she's five, when she's 10, when she's 20. How do you remove the parenting pressure?

 

Mel Robbins (00:15:30):

Well, I just think it's like it's something you deal with every single day, and you get to decide if you want to go through life as a mom and put that much pressure on yourself or the let them theory could actually be very helpful because right now you can be like, let her come when she's ready and let me just honor how I feel and let me also remind myself that I trust that everything's going to be okay. Yes, I love that. And so I feel like that's a way to hold space for two things to be true. And the other thing is, is that you are going to screw things up. There would be no therapists if parents did not screw up parenting.

 

Jessie (00:16:15):

So true. Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:16:17):

There wouldn't be. I mean, you would have therapy for the kind of pain and trauma that human beings inflict on people in other settings. But I bet the vast majority of therapists are actually working through the shit that kids experience with parents, and we all do it. I screwed up majorly with my kids because I was not in control of my own anxiety. I was volatile with my stress and my emotions. I was a shouter. I had a very short fuse. I took work stress out on them. And so it created at least my two daughters, this sense of being on edge because I was that mom that was wildly fun and then wildly pissed off. And so, who are we going to get today? And what do I need to do to make sure my mom's okay? I want the one that's happy and fun. I don't want the one that's pissed off at the world.

 

(00:17:16):

And so I think that you will screw things up and you have to give yourself grace because as your child grows, you're going to grow and learn. That's how you do it. That's awesome. And you can also apologize to your kids. I certainly have. I'm really sorry. I was not able to be a person that had a more stable emotional personality when you guys were younger. I'm really sorry that dad and I were fighting all the time when we were struggling financially. I'm really sorry that there were mornings where my kids literally would be ready, they'd get themselves ready for the buses when we were really struggling financially. I'm trying to think how the kids were like 10 and eight and Soyer and Kendall would literally wake Chris and I up. We were in these chairs, Jessie drunk. We had been drinking all night because of all the financial press. I can't even freaking talk right now. Stress. And they'd tap, tap, tap, and the bus was coming and I screwed that up. And so it's okay to apologize. You're not supposed to be perfect. You just do the best that you can with the resources that you have and the skillset that you have. And there's this concept that I absolutely love. This comes from both Dr. Nicola Perla and Dr. Russell Kennedy.

 

(00:18:44):

And there's this concept of a parental mismatch, which means there are going to be times when you're parenting given what you're doing in your life, given where Jim is given the age of your kids, where you and your kids are a mismatch. What your kids need, ideally in terms of the support they need or the emotional reassurance they need is not something based on your skills or your life experience or what's going on in your life that you're actually able to give them. And in those moments where there's a mismatch, they need something and you're giving them everything you have to give, but it's not satiating what they need. And I think this is where there's a lot of stuff that comes up when you get older with your parents, and there's a lot of stuff online, trauma and this and that. Not to say terrible stuff didn't go down,

 

(00:19:43):

But we're very quick to talk about the impact and injury to us and not that compassionate with understanding that you were likely dealing with a human being in your parents who was emotionally immature, who had trauma of their own, who did not get their needs met by their parents. And so they show up to the world of parenting, having skills, experiences, past experiences, an emotional state, financial stress issues that you're not aware of, and they do the best they can with where they're at. And there's this visual that I talk about a lot. It's Pastor TD Jakes, and I believe he's talking to Oprah Winfrey talking about how if you're dealing with a person that has a quarter cup of capacity for support and love and whatever, but you're a gallon person, if your parent because of their past can only give you a quarter cup, that's never going to feel like they actually saw you. But to your parent, they gave you everything they had to give. And that's what I mean by the mismatch. So when I was extremely stressed out and I was drinking too much, and Chris and I were fighting because of the financial pressure, my kids needed me to be present. I was not.

 

(00:21:13):

My kids deserved and needed a mom that when they got home from school weren't walking up to the front door going in there. Not that I was beating them, but emotionally they didn't know what was going to come. I might be stressed, I might be frustrated, I might be angry, I might be yelling about the dad or this or that. I might be sad. And so I was a complete mismatch for what they actually needed. Does that make sense?

 

Jessie (00:21:41):

Yes, absolutely.

 

Mel Robbins (00:21:41):

Even though I was trying with every cell in my body to do the best that I could, and so fast forward a decade, I apologize a lot for that. They didn't deserve that. And if I could go back in time, people always ask, what advice would you give your younger self? If I could go back in time, actually, I would help the younger parent version of me with my own emotional maturity and regulation so that I could be a safe place to land for my kids.

 

Jessie (00:22:16):

Yeah, that makes complete sense, complete sense. What surprised you the most about motherhood?

 

Mel Robbins (00:22:30):

I think the thing that surprises me the most is how much you have to change your approach given the situation. Or if you have several kids, which kid you're dealing with.

Jessie (00:23:10):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:23:11):

And so that's a very different role than thinking, I'm a parent, we're a family that skis, I'm a parent, we're a family that plays lacrosse. And so I'm a parent. Everybody in our family's a doctor. Well, that's your vision. That's not guiding somebody that's dictating who they are based on your expectations. If you embrace the role of a parent to be, I am a guide that is helping somebody figure out who they are, which means I make it safe for them to feel what they feel. I am open and generous and supportive with all the things they want to try. If they want to do music instead of sports, let them, if they end up falling in love with somebody that you don't like, let them, your job is not to dictate who this person is. Your job is to create an environment where it's safe for them to discover who they are. Literally, this comes from Dr. Stewart Alon, who I just love from Harvard Medical School and Mass General Brigham. He calls it with them parenting approach where, well, what do you want to do about it? How can I support you? Even your 6-year-old can think about some of these things. How do you feel about that? Because what you're doing when you start to ask questions like that is you're guiding your child and inviting them to think through situations because they're going to have to learn as an adult to live with the consequences of their decisions.

 

(00:24:46):

So helping them think through situations and being curious about what they might think, that's a super important aspect of this because when the whole point, Jessie, is for your daughter to actually get through high school and leave, that's the point. And if you do it well, they not only leave and have the tools to create a life, but because you've been a guide and not a dictator and because you have also created a safe space, they're always going to come back. They're always going to want to see you. And that's the one thing I'm so proud of with all three of our kids, is that I think the one thing that Chris and I did really well is that we tried to get our egos out of the way, and we tried our best to create an environment where our kids could truly become who they're meant to be.

 

Jessie (00:25:48):

Love that. Yes. That's beautiful. Which you made me think about when I first started here, I'll never forget this. I thought it was such an incredible moment that I got to kind be a fly on the wall to when Kendall was up here, I think she had run up, asked you a question about something, and your question to her was, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? And I remember being like, oh my God, that's brilliant. I

 

Mel Robbins (00:26:20):

Think I remember this. Yeah, because this was before the room looked like this, and she came tearing upstairs about something. PLA carpet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is the single most important question a parent could ever ask a child. Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen? And the reason why this question is so important is because for me personally, nine times out of 10, if your kid comes to you with a problem or they're upset about something or they're just even talking about something, I mean, we're older, we have more life experience. So of course we just jump right in to the conversation and start solving and offering solutions and blah, blah, blah. And your kids don't want that. What they want is they want you to listen. And so that question, I can't remember who I learned it from. Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen? Stops you from stepping in and dictating what your kid does when you say, do you want my advice? You just want me to listen? You're actually letting them have their own experience. You're letting them share their life with you. And then the second part of that, when you let me be a guide, not a dictator, do you want my advice or just want me to listen? Now I'm guiding the conversation and I'm signaling that I actually believe in your ability to know what you want and to ask for what you want. And this beautiful space opens up

 

(00:27:58):

Between the two of you. And what I discovered with my kids anyway is that 99% of the time, they do not want my advice. They just want a safe place to come and air it out. And that's that. And you can use that in a marriage. You can use it with friendship anytime somebody comes to you. But particularly kids, I want you to say, do you want my advice or you just want me to listen? And you're going to be surprised not only about how often they just need you to listen, but actually if you ask them, well, have you thought what you might want to do about it, how smart they actually are. One other thing that I really want to say, because this was a mistake that I made when our kids got into middle school. The single most important thing that you have to protect is your kids trust in you. And the fastest way for you to guarantee that your kids will never tell you anything is if your kids come to you. Do you want my advice? Or you just want to listen? So your kids come to you and they start telling you about things that are going on with their friends or at school. You are going to want to call your friends, especially if they're the parents of the other kids,

 

(00:29:12):

You are going to want to tell the other parents what's going on. And you have to be very careful because if your child comes to you out of trust and is just sharing what's going on with their life, that's a beautiful thing. It shows that they trust you. If they said, don't tell anybody, don't tell anybody. And if you go to another parent or you go to another friend and you then share what they told you. If it's another parent that parent's going to tell their child, and then that child's going to tell it back at school, and then your kid is going to find out at school that you broke their trust. If you say, I won't tell your father. And then you tell their father, and then you say to the father, don't tell them. And then the father tells them, you just broke the trust.

 

(00:29:59):

And so there's a couple caveats to this. So if any of my kids ever came to me and said, don't tell dad, what I would say to them is, I understand why you may not want me to, but dad and I are a team and dad loves you, and I'm asking your permission to tell him because I'm uncomfortable withholding information from him. And I promise you, you're not going to get in trouble. And I promise you we're going to work together on this, and I promise you that he won't tell anybody, but I need your permission to tell him. Or you and I can go together and you can tell him when I'm with you, what would you like to do? And it's so cool because there has never been an instance where they haven't said, okay, they may have been scared of his reaction, but what you're also cutting off at the knees is that thing that kids do so beautifully where they separate the two of you and then they turn the two of you against each other. And the other caveat I would say, if they go, I don't want you to tell anybody. Be like, well, that's actually not one of the options, honey. And I think you came to me because you know that and you know me. And what that does is it keeps the trust

 

(00:31:17):

Between you and your child because if you break that trust, they're now going to take every issue in their life to their friends, and they're never going to tell you anything. Right.

 

Jessie (00:31:29):

And it just empowers them.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:30):

Yes. And by the way, this is true whether you have kids or not. This is true of friendship. This is true of a partnership. This is true about how your mom might complain about your dad. Do you allow people to share information and then do you actually trust? Do you seek permission to tell? Tell somebody I'm uncomfortable knowing this without being able to do something.

 

(00:31:57):

You have more power than you realize in these situations. And if you really want to prioritize trust with somebody, then really take seriously those moments where somebody shares something with you. And if you do want to tell somebody, ask permission and explain why. And if you got it wrong,

(00:32:54):

I did that to myself. And so I learned this the hard way. And it took me a couple years to actually build up trust again with my daughter because I was the one who broke it.

 

Jessie (00:33:07):

Yeah. I think you feel like you're in a good trust place now with all three. Oh

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:10):

My God, I know too much. It's like too much. Can't you talk to your gynecologist about that?

 

Jessie (00:33:18):

Oh, what's one moment where you completely messed up as a mom, and what did it teach you?

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:27):

Oh my gosh. I have so many moments that I've messed up as a mom. Oh, I know a good one. Oh, I know a good one. Yes. Alright, let's hear it. Oh my gosh. Our son, Oakley had the most annoying anxiety in the world, and he would get all worked up because whenever we would go anywhere that was new, there was this range of time where everything was collapsing in his life. We didn't know he had dyslexia yet. He was changing schools. All this stuff was changing. His anxiety was through the roof, and he became extraordinarily anxious about everything. And he had this incredible fear of throwing up incredible fear.

 

(00:34:10):

And there were a number of moments where, oh my God, there are so many moments. There were moments where we spent all this money to take the kids to go see this particular Broadway show where Ben Plat was in it. It was the, I can't remember what it was. And we're up in the balcony and Oakley starts having a freaking panic attack. He thinks he's going to throw up. And so we have to leave in the middle of the show and go in front of everybody at the end of the song where the finale and your knees are up against the thing. And I'm so angry at him, this poor little guy, and I couldn't be kind. And we were on an airplane once and he starts freaking out and wiggling, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. And I'm like, you're not going to throw up. And I'm taking him to the thing. And I would get so frustrated and we get out, and of course he vomits all over the airport.

 

Jessie (00:35:07):

Oh

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:08):

Yeah, poor look, I'm an asshole. Because it became such a thing that instead of meeting it with compassion, I felt so ill-equipped with how to deal with it. I met it with anger and frustration and nine times out of 10, it was nothing. It was nothing for me in terms of he wasn't throwing up. It was just this thing that became a trigger. And we were talking about it the other day actually. And as we were talking about it, I started crying. I was just like, I am so sorry you didn't get the support you deserved, and that's on me. The second that you felt scared or upset or thought you were going to throw, I wish I would've just put my arms around you and comforted you. I would in the beginning, and then he'd just get so worked up and then I'd get frustrated with it and I'm just apologized and apologized and apologized. We were sitting there the other night here, and that is something that I wish I could go back and change because I think I made his anxiety worse. And I think it's normal to get frustrated and exacerbated with your kids, especially when they have mental health problems or they have a lot of behavioral stuff, or you're just going through situations where you just can't catch a break. But I just feel so bad at just how I would just get, I must've been like a grizzly bear to

 

Jessie (00:36:42):

Him, but I love that you had that conversation with him about it.

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:48):

He was like, it's okay, mom. I'm like, no, it's actually not okay. I need you to understand. And I started crying that I really screwed up. You deserve somebody in your life that could actually meet that moment and comfort you. And I take responsibility for the fact that this stuck around for several years because I'd say half of the times when this was happening, it was always out in public. I just got so frustrated with you and I'm so sorry.

Mel Robbins (00:37:34):

Gosh, there's so much to say on this topic. I think that with guilt first it's important. And I didn't understand that to recognize that if you need to work because you need money to pay your bills, you should not feel guilty. You should feel proud of the fact that you are doing what is necessary to be able to financially take care of this little person. That is not something to feel guilty about. That is something to recognize and acknowledge yourself because it's a sense of responsibility that goes straight to safety and the ability to take care of somebody. And if your kids are in daycare or they have a babysitter because you're working so that you can pay your bills, that is not something to be guilty about because you're taking responsibility for what is necessary in order to take care of somebody.

 

(00:38:32):

And so that is a really important thing to understand. Now, if you feel guilty because you don't want to be working, you want to be home, that is a different form of guilt. In my case, I started to feel really guilty because as I was making a living speaking and my kids were older, I would be, I don't know, in Kansas City giving a speech. I loved it, but I felt so guilty because I was not at the field hockey game back in Boston. You've got to ask yourself, is this guilt just the bullshit that the world is told me that as a woman, I need to be everywhere because a lot of guys don't feel this way.

 

Jessie (00:39:16):

No, no.

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:18):

So frustrating. They get gaslit into believing that their only value is in providing. And so if you're feeling guilty, ask yourself, is this just society telling me that I'm supposed to be somewhere or I'm supposed to be everywhere? Or is this a different kind of guilt? Because there's two kinds of guilt. There's the destructive guilt, and that's the kind of guilt that society puts on you. You're not doing mothering, right? You're not spending enough time with your kids. You need to be breastfeeding. You can't do this, you can't do that. You got to do this thing. That guilt is bullshit. It shouldn't be working. It should be bullshit. The second type of guilt is productive, and that's the type I'm talking about. Productive guilt is actually tied to deep values. And what that productive guilt was telling me, Jessie, at that moment in time was that I valued family and I had reached my goal of paying off our bills, and we had enough money to live that. That guilt was saying, you need to stop taking so much work on and you need to be home more because you're missing out on something you value. Do you see how that's very different?

 

Jessie (00:40:42):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:42):

And I'll give you the other end of the spectrum. So when Sawyer was born and also when Kendall was born, the same with Oakley. We couldn't afford our house unless we were both working and we didn't have family nearby. The math equation was such that at the time, this would've been 2 19 99 and 2000 and 2007, we both needed to be working. If we just wanted to keep our house, then we both needed to work and we needed to tighten the belt a little bit so we could also pay for daycare. And I didn't actually feel guilty about working or having my kids in daycare because I knew that the reason why I was working, it was tied to a core value of wanting to provide it. Do you see how that Yes. Do you see what I mean? It's putting a roof

 

Jessie (00:41:36):

Over everyone's

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:37):

Head. Yes, yes. And so if it's tied to a value, then you're not going to feel guilty. And the final thing that I'm going to say about work and life, and I don't ever use the word balancing at all, because you have a very full life. It's not about balancing at all.

 

(00:41:54):

It's more like a Lego kit. There's all different squares everywhere. How do I create boundaries so that I can fit in the things that matter? Boundaries can look like I work during the day. I go home at five, I don't, or I go home at three. I don't look at my phone and I don't look at my laptop, but as soon as the baby goes down for the night, I actually finish up my day for an hour.

 

(00:42:26):

Do you see what I mean? You can have boundaries. And what I would recommend is try not to be from the beginning to the extent that you can figure out how to have boundaries, where I'm going to be present with her here, and then I'm going to work for this period of time. It's going to be a whole blend for the first six months or so until you get into a rhythm. But thinking about it that way, if I'm going to be present for work, I want to be present for work. If I'm going to be present with her, I'm going to be present for her. And kind of thinking about those boundaries are really important.

 

Jessie (00:42:57):

I love that. Yes. And I think it's confirmation too that women can climb the ladder while still having of course babies and nothing has to change.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:06):

No, nothing has to change. And one of the most beautiful things that you can give to a child is showing them a mom who has ambition.

 

Jessie (00:43:14):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:15):

Because you weren't put on this planet, Jessie to be a mother or a wife. You were put on this planet to be you. And being a mom and being a wife and being a studio manager and a video editor and all this stuff, those are all pieces of who you are. And losing who you are to your kids is not necessarily a service to them because who's going to teach them what it looks like to build a full life? It's you. And that's exactly what you're going to do, right.

Mel Robbins (00:44:03):

Yes. The thing that changed my life with little kids, I don't know how old her kid is, is it's critical that after you put them to bed and you do your nightly routine with your kid, and if you don't have one, look at when your kid is going to bed because they should probably be in bed by eight o'clock. No, I'm serious. There's this huge trend of keeping kids awake at night. I don't understand this. I didn't even know that. No, your kids desperately need sleep for their development. And so and so developing a really steady night routine, that is a certain time. We go upstairs, we run the bath, we put on the jammies, we put the whole thing that just gets them in the routine. Eight, you're in bed now. You have an hour where you can clean things up. And the most important thing is get everything ready for tomorrow morning. Pack the lunches, pack the backpack, organize your stuff for work because the things that you do at night create time and peace in the morning. So absolutely everything that you can do the night before from packing the lunch to packing the backpacks, to packing your work stuff, to gathering it all, to even picking out the coat and the boots, put it all by the door so you don't have to scramble for anything. You do that at night and you probably just gained 30 minutes of calm in the morning because once you're under the gun in the morning and your stress level goes up, isn't it interesting how you can never find anything

 

Jessie (00:45:42):

Ever?

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:42):

Right. So doing it at night is a lifesaver. Okay? So that's one thing in the morning. You need to get up a half an hour earlier than you do. And the reason why I say that is because if you start to develop a very consistent bedtime, so I'm sorry, we're just a family. You go to sleep, you don't have your devices, you're in bed because mom needs to be in bed by nine 30, right? Right. Do you see how this works? And if you're in bed by nine 30, that means you can get a good night's sleep and wake up a half an hour before your child typically gets up. And that's when you exercise. That's when you have your time for yourself. That's when you set up your day so that you are feeling okay before the chaos. Because once when you're a parent, the second the children are awake, your day is no longer yours. The only chance you have, I am not going to lie to you. The second your child wakes up the day is no longer yours.

 

(00:46:45):

At some point in getting your child out the door, you're going to look at your phone, which mean your brain is no longer yours because now you're thinking about work or you're thinking about social media, you're thinking about the news. You are not going to get your brain or your time back for the rest of the day. It's gone. It's already over. And so thinking about protecting those early morning hours for you and thinking about how you use the evening in your own wind down to pack up everything and get yourself ready, that changes everything.

 

Jessie (00:47:12):

If a mom is listening right now, drowning in guilt imper perfectionism, what is the first thing you would tell her?

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:18):

Take a deep breath. Put your hand on your heart. In fact, just breathe in with me and just say, I'm doing the best that I can with the resources I have at this moment in my life. I'm going to get through for this. I'm going to learn from this. I'm a good mom and I'm going to continue to grow with my kids. This moment is not going to last forever, and I'm going to learn something from it. And I just got to give myself some grace. Sometimes just if all you have to give is 60% and you give 60%, you gave the a hundred percent you had to give. And recognizing there are going to be times in your life where you only have 60% to give. And if you can figure out how to give all that and give yourself a little grace, you deserve the acknowledgement that you gave what you had to give. Beautiful.