How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be

Mel Robbins (00:00:11):

Today's conversation is the permission You need to go after what you want in life, whether that is flying first class or being unapologetically ambitious or standing up for yourself or speaking your mind or making the changes you want to make.

Chelsea Handler (00:00:26):

I just never identified with that. I'm going to grow up and I'm going to get married. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to go to college and I'm going to have kids. I never ever thought that. I was like, whoa. The more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it.

Mel Robbins (00:00:40):

A lot of people see what's going on and say, I want that. You saw what was going on and said, I don't want that. I cannot wait to hear you tell this story. This blew my mind. So one of the worst decisions of my life, which was, oh my God, Chelsea, I'm so excited that you're here. I mean, on paper, when you look at all your accomplishments from being an iconic comedian for 20 years, seven New York Times bestsellers, five different television shows, you have so many extraordinary experiences, a media company that you are running serial entrepreneur, and one of the things that I appreciate the most about you is everybody who read this book, I'll have what she's having fell in love with you. And I don't think people understand truly what a remarkable human being you are at your core. That there is a very big difference between the perception or what may have been written and actually at your core, in your purpose, who you have become and the expression that you are in the world.

(00:01:58):

And so I am really thrilled because like me, you learn this shit the hard way. And this book brilliantly unpacks the mistakes, the regrets, the lessons learned that got you to truly connect with who you are at your core. And we're going to unpack so much of the wisdom in this book, the hilarious stories, but I would love to start by having you speak directly to the person who's with us. And if you think about all of the takeaways in your book and the lessons that you've learned and the things that you want to share, particularly with other women, what could be different about their life, if they really take to heart some of the things that you're about to teach us today and they apply it in their own life,

Chelsea Handler (00:02:41):

I think that positivity and optimism is contagious, right? While sometimes it feels hopeless and sometimes you are so down and we can all get into pity parties about what's not going right in our lives. There's always a different lens to look at everything. And no one is perfect at always looking at the positivity in their lives, but when you get better at looking at it more frequently, then that becomes your default. And then there's a magnetism in that you attract more positivity because you become more positive. And these are all things that when I was younger in my thirties, I would be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, shut up. I don't want to talk about meditation. I don't want to talk about everything. To me seemed like somebody who was leading me to a chakra. But it is scientific. It only matters if you're a person who is really connected to who you are and to being in the moment as much as you possibly can. Then you just become so like a tree. You're a tree, you can blow on me, but I'm not going to fall over. You can rustle my leaves and you might blow a few leaves off, but you're not ever going to fuck with the foundation of who I am.

Mel Robbins (00:04:00):

It wasn't always that way though.

Chelsea Handler (00:04:01):

No, no. I was all over the lake shop and house and the sky. Not grounded like a leaf, like a leaf on a tree,

Mel Robbins (00:04:09):

Forgetting that you actually have roots.

Chelsea Handler (00:04:10):

Yes,

Mel Robbins (00:04:11):

Yes. And I think that's a lot of actually what this book is about is figuring out and remembering who you are at your core.

Chelsea Handler (00:04:21):

Also, we lose touch with who we are so often in our lives. So I would say that it is up to you to always get yourself back on the right track. You always say, no one's coming to save you. No one is coming to save anyone. Even if you consider yourself someone who saves other people, you can't do the whole job. No one is coming to get, you have to save yourself, and by saving yourself, you are going to save other people.

Mel Robbins (00:04:54):

One of the things that I found fascinating about your story is that from a very, very young age, you had a very clear idea of the kind of person that you wanted to be. In fact, I'm going to read from your New York Times mega best seller about the vision that you had for yourself. I love this. This is in the very beginning. It's a chapter, the little girl you write, she would be nothing less than fierce. This woman I'd become, she would be confident and never hesitate to stick her neck out for other people with a mind so sharp, no one would ever call her just a pretty face. She'd be so much more than that. Tell me a little bit about the kind of little girl you work, because not every little kid kind of has a sense of who they are, but this struck me as very unique about you.

Chelsea Handler (00:05:52):

Maybe I would like to instill every little girl with this kind of vision of herself. When I wrote this book, it was with the idea to inject everyone with the self-confidence that people perceive me to have. I wish I had an ozempic needle of confidence to give everybody and shoot everybody up and be like, you can be self-assured and confident too. But as I've grown up, yes, I was born with a specific type of personality. I can come across as very confident, but I don't want anyone to think that I have confidence all the time in any way, shape or form. I've built my confidence and I've gone through phases where I've had little confidence, but as a very young person, I knew I had something to offer, not that I was better than anyone, but that I had a vision of the woman that I wanted to be, and that woman was going to be fierce and she was going to tell the truth and she wasn't going to be a follower. She was going to be a leader. That was very important to me that I wasn't just going to do what other people did, that I was going to create a path for myself because I wanted to be an example of womanhood, and this was when I was six or seven years old, I was thinking about becoming a woman. I'm going to get my hair clip out because I'm going to start sweating.

(00:07:10):

It was like I just had this idea of what I wanted to be. I just always knew that I wanted to be independent. I wanted to be strong. I wasn't going to rely on anyone or have a husband that wasn't even in my purview. I mean, I just never identified with that I'm going to grow up and I'm going to get married. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to go to college and I'm going to have kids. I never ever thought that. I was like, whoa, the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it. So I just thought, here's an original plan. And then there were women that I looked up to or figures in history where I thought, wow, that's cool. I could do this my own way and I can be independent, and I wanted to be more than anything, I wanted to be a patriarch to my family. I wanted to be one who handled everything, so I identified more with a masculine role than I did with your traditional feminine role, but I am a woman, so that role is there for us to take as well.

Mel Robbins (00:08:18):

Well, I read in this great that was published in the Wall Street Journal that you wrote. I was a handful growing up at a young age, I had a very clear understanding that the two people in charge of our family were the two people I had the least confidence in. There was no structure at home and a lot of uncertainty. And what's interesting about your story is that a lot of people see what's going on and say, I want that. You saw what was going on and said, I don't want that.

Chelsea Handler (00:08:50):

Right?

Mel Robbins (00:08:51):

And that's an important takeaway because if you're somebody that's listening or watching right now and you're thinking, how the hell did she have that sense of, I want that shit now and I'm in my sixties, what would you say to a person that's hearing you because it is enticing. It is so sexy to hear you state all these things that you want to be. You rarely hear anybody say it like that with this, I want to feel this way and we should be doing it. So what would you say to somebody who's listening like I'll have what she's having.

Chelsea Handler (00:09:21):

I would say

Mel Robbins (00:09:21):

Just how do I drink it?

Chelsea Handler (00:09:22):

Yeah. First of all, it doesn't matter what age you are. It doesn't matter what your situation is right now, if you're in a marriage that you don't want to be in or if you're in a job you don't want to be in, or if you're in a city that you don't want to live in, whatever your situation is, even if you're sick, you have the ability to take control of your life and have autonomy over your decisions and not be tethered to anybody else regarding your happiness. We don't have to be responsible for other people's happiness. That's a choice that we can make, but it is not our responsibility to provide other people with happiness. As a comedian, I feel like it is my job to spread joy and sunshine when I'm on stage. I've chosen that to be my job. You can't tell me to do that, then I won't want to. You know what I mean? Right?

Mel Robbins (00:10:11):

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (00:10:11):

And so I think a lot of people, I think first of all, it doesn't matter how old you are, no one is unrecoverable. You're never cooked. You're here. As long as you're here, you have an opportunity to make your life great. You're a perfect example of that. We all know your story and how you picked yourself up off the floor when you were in your darkest hour. Everybody has the capability and an inner reservoir of strength that many people know nothing about, but it's there.

Mel Robbins (00:10:36):

One of the lessons that I picked up very early on in your book, and I'm going to read you a little bit and then I cannot wait to hear you tell this story. This is on page nine. It's a chapter called First class,

Chelsea Handler (00:11:56):

First of all, I knew I had to start working right away because my parents were just two hot messes and I was like, oh my God, there's nothing set up for me here. I'm going to have to start working. I'm a child. What can I do? I'm like, okay, what's the lowest hanging fruit? That's a lemonade stand. I'll open up a lemonade stand. I enlisted my older sister. I'm the youngest of six children enlist. So that gives you also, when you're the youngest of six children, you grow up much quicker than anybody else in the family because you have to. You're absorbing everything around you and your language skills are far superior to anyone else's because you learn how to navigate, negotiate, argue, and win. So I opened up an lemonade stand. Our business was fine. We were on Martha's Vineyard. That sounds like we came from money.

(00:12:39):

We did not. My dad had got a very inexpensive house on Martha's Vineyard. We don't know how he got the money to get that house, but whatever. It was one of the best decisions he's ever made, and we got so many beautiful summers from it. So I opened up a lemonade stand. I said to my sister, Shauna, she was five years older. I'm like, do you want to open up a lemonade? Stand with me. We made maybe, I don't know, 17, 18, 20. Not enough money for me at that age. I was like, whoa. I think I was probably around 10, and I was like, this isn't going to work. And then I was like, okay, the next best thing is opening up a hard lemonade stand. I'm like, that's what people really want. Whiskey, gin and tequila. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back to my house.

(00:13:21):

I'm going to get some gin whiskey and tequila, which was difficult. My parents didn't really drink, so it wasn't even good stuff. I think I went to a neighbor's house and got some whiskey from her, and then I told my sister, I'm like, we're going to mix our drinks and we're going to sell the alcohol to the adults and we're going to sell the lemonade to the kids. And anyone frankly who's over 10 can also have a cocktail as far as I'm concerned. And my sister's like, we're definitely not doing that. That's illegal. And I was like, well, then you can go take a hike because you're actually cutting into my profit margin. So I fired her, and then I went around the neighborhood and I would just knock on the door and I would introduce myself like a business woman. I was 10 and wearing shorts and flip flops and whatever, and I was like, hi, my name is Chelsea Handler.

(00:14:02):

Do you have any other 10 year olds that I can play with? And finally they sent this kid named Nelson down, and I was like, Nelson, I'm doing a lemonade stand. I need a bar back. Do you know how to mix a drink? And he was like, what? I was like, listen, I've seen it on tv. This is all you have to do. And that lemonade stand yielded hundreds of dollars in the first few weeks. I mean, we made so much money. I think by the third week I had like $700 or 506 or some whatever figure it's in the book. And then I gave Nelson his commission. Now, it wasn't my sister, it was a guy that I hired and I think it was like say I made $569. I gave him his commission, which was $5 and 69 cents, and I was like, this is yours, Nelson.

(00:14:43):

And Nelson thought he hit the lottery. He's like, oh my god, $5. He's like, this is crazy. This is more money than I would've made if I had lost three teeth in one week. And I'm like, Nelson, if you believe in the tooth fairy, we've got bigger problems. But that was my first entrepreneurial endeavor that I realized like, okay, I'm going to take this into my own hands. I don't need my family. I actually don't need anybody. I just need to figure out an idea. And then I was like, wait a second. I could be making more money. I was 10. I looked older than I was, and I was like, I'll be a babysitter. There's no rules around babysitting. So I lied and I said, I was 15 years old and I called all the hotels in Edgartown, Martha's Vineyard, and I was like, my name is Chelsea Handler. I'm a very experienced babysitter. If you have any guests that are traveling and that need last minute babysitting plans, please call me. This is my number. I still remember my number 6, 2, 7, 5, 8, 8, 9. And I said, I'm 15 years old. I spent that summer babysitting for a 14-year-old boy as a 10-year-old. You were as a 10-year-old. I mean, I had this babysitting business for three years. That's how I afforded the first class ticket that I took.

Mel Robbins (00:15:54):

Well, tell that story about what you did with the money.

Chelsea Handler (00:15:56):

I used that to buy my first class ticket on the flight.

Mel Robbins (00:16:00):

But what's amazing about this is that you, it sounds like in the story you didn't tell your family. So a couple years later, aren't you flying across country to go to your

Chelsea Handler (00:16:09):

A couple years later, yeah, I had experienced my first plane ride at 10. That was the impetus for everything. Once I saw that there was a section of people that had more money and could sit in nicer chairs, I was like, I'm going to be in that group. I came back, I started lemonade. I was like, this isn't enough. I got to do something bigger than this. Then I started my babysitting company. I had tons of clients. I babysat for five different families. I had to outsource people. I tried to hire my sister back. I had too many clients and I saved my money. And then my mom said we were going back to California again when I was 13 to visit my grandfather. And I went down the street to a travel agent that lived on our street, and I bought myself a first class ticket.

(00:16:45):

And then I got on the plane. I was with my two idiot brothers, Glenn and Roy, and I was on the plane and I didn't say anything. I could not fucking wait to see the looks on their faces. I couldn't wait to see my brothers, the look of disgust that I had figured out, a system that they would've loved to figure out. You know what I mean? Yes. And that I'm 10 years younger than them. I'm the baby sister. I'm this little thing that nobody really took seriously. And I got in my seat to see. I had my suitcase. I popped it in the overhead bin. I had little kitten heels on a businesswoman. Again, I was flying. I better get dressed up. And then they all thought I was kidding. I'm like, I'll see you guys at the end of the flight and sat in 2C.

(00:17:32):

And then an hour later, my brother came up to my seat and was like, you can't do that. And I'm like, I can't do what? He goes, you can't buy a first class ticket and not give it to one of us or mom. I was like, first of all, I was drinking also a glass of champagne at that point because they thought I was 21 probably. And I looked at him and I was like, I absolutely can. I was like, first of all, you need to get back to your section and I will see you at the end of the flight. Can you shut this curtain and get this fur bothering me? Also, how did you get through the curtain? Yeah. What kind of preventative measure is that curtain? It's not stopping anyone from coming up. So at that point, they knew like, oh God, she's a real handful.

(00:18:12):

But I had told them from a very young age, watch out and stick with me. I'm going to get us out of this mess. My parents were not financially stable. We were not poor, but we had our phones turned off. We had money problems. It wasn't like we were driving in new cars and I was getting nice clothes. It wasn't like that. I was the youngest of six, and it was like we had a house, we had stability. I never went hungry, but there was no excess. You know what I mean? And I didn't like that. I wanted more for myself and I wanted more for my family. It wasn't just for me. I was like, I guess I'll have to take care of this family.

Mel Robbins (00:18:52):

What I love about this story, and I realize we're going to get into just the whole trajectory, but I just want to pause right here because I think this is a really inspiring thing to consider in your life. How often do you pass through first class or you see a beautiful house or you see somebody pursuing some artistic thing that you've always wanted to do, or you see somebody who's a decent dancer at a wedding and you're like, I want to do that.

Chelsea Handler (00:19:18):

I would love to be a good dancer.

Mel Robbins (00:19:19):

But then what follows is not, I'm going to go figure that out. What follows is, oh, well, you can't or I don't deserve that. Or people like me don't get to do things like that. We opt out so quickly. And what I love about this story, whether you say it's moxie or it's survival or it's this or it's that. The piece that I love about it that struck me so beautifully is I wish we all, especially as women, could just allow ourselves to want things that we want. And then instead of blocking the desire and invalidating ourselves, we remind ourselves with time and some effort, you can figure that shit out. You can pay for that stuff yourself. You can figure out how to do it. That's what that story illustrates. Even if at every step of the way people are saying, you can't do that or you shouldn't do that, or your age makes no sense, you made it make sense. And that is a huge mindset switch that I think we all could use. And it is something that also is becoming consistent with the way you approach things. And I think that's a really cool attribute about you.

Chelsea Handler (00:20:24):

Well, thank you. But I also would like to add that there's an unapologeticness that is necessary for women to claim in addition to everything that you just said. There also has to be a not do I deserve this? You deserve whatever you go after. But also don't apologize for wanting more. That's okay too, too. I mean, men don't apologize for wanting more, and I don't ever like to make it such a female male thing, but it is become so illustrative in the last many years to see the divide and to see how women have a harder time claiming what they want and going after they want and having a hard time talking about what they got.

Mel Robbins (00:21:11):

Yes, yes. I want to see a shift in that too. So I'm thrilled that you told that story.

Chelsea Handler (00:21:25):

Well, I had to get away from New Jersey from my family. I had to get away from my family. So I graduated by the skin of, I mean, I was terrible. I was a terrible teenager. I was awful to my parents. I was a mess. My brother died when I was nine. That had a huge impact on the family. It was terrible for our family. My father fell apart at the seams after my brother died. He never quite recovered. So I had lost my brother, and then I had lost my father, and then I became angry that the two men that I admired the most disappointed me and basically abandoned me.

(00:22:01):

I didn't have any outlet. I didn't have therapy, so I just became angry. And so my father and I were like this my whole entire teenage years. So I couldn't wait to get away from them. I couldn't wait to get away from my father specifically. And I went to community college for a semester after high school where I barely graduated, but I did graduate and I wasn't interested in school. I was interested in having fun and boys and all of that stuff. And then I said to my parents, I think I'm going to go to California. I just felt like that's where I belong. That's where the land of people like me go. People who are, I felt like a misfit. I felt like I was never going to lead a traditional life. I was like, I think I want to go to California and I think I'm going to drive.

(00:22:44):

I need a car. My dad was a used car dealer, and I've never seen him more excited to get four used tires, four new tires for a car in his life. And my dad's like, I'll get you four new tires for the Audi. He had this Audi Quatro, this old Audi Quatro. He was so excited at the prospect of me leaving so that they could finally get a break from me and all of my anger and my drama. And it was great because I got in a car, I drove across country, and all I really needed was a break from my family. We just all needed a break. And once I got away from them, I started to appreciate them and love them, but I just needed my individuality and I needed to start to pursue my own path. And they totally got that. They were like, go, you can't get out of here fast enough. And then our relationship strengthened because of that. And so I didn't know exactly what I was going to do when I moved to California. I just figured somebody will see something in me.

Mel Robbins (00:23:47):

Oh my God. So how did you get into comedy?

Chelsea Handler (00:23:51):

I got a DUI when I was 21 years old, and I was using my sister's ID to drink in California becuase I moved out there when I was 19. So my mom gave me my sister's birth certificate, and I was like, how am I going to get into bars and stuff? And she's like, I'll give you your sister's birth certificate. Don't tell her you can use her. Id go, mom. My mom was like, please go too. Just get out of here. We'll give you as much money as we have. Please leave.

Mel Robbins (00:24:17):

I just want to just the picture of your dad throwing an old car in new tires. Your mom's like, take your sister's birth certificate and the pocket change I have. Goodbye. Good luck. Get out of here.

Chelsea Handler (00:24:29):

Call us maybe or don't. We're not worried about it. So I drive out to California and I have an aunt uncle, they lived in la. I moved in with them. They had nine children

Mel Robbins (00:24:40):

And it was a two bedroom house with nine kids, four dogs

Chelsea Handler (00:24:46):

And a parrot.

Mel Robbins (00:24:47):

And a parrot,

Chelsea Handler (00:24:47):

Yeah. It was a hot mess. It was ridiculous. And I was like the nanny. I had have to get up and take the kids to school. And then when I was 21, I had moved out of my aunt and uncle's house. I'm sure they had kicked me out because I was all over the shop. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had all this energy and I just was like, what should I do? Should I be an actress? I was like, should be a model. I'm like, oh, I can't be a model. I am. I am not going to be that skinny. What are my options? Maybe I'll be an, and then I got this DUI and I had been using my sister's id, and even though I had just turned 21, I gave them my sister's id. So that was a double whoopsy doodle because I was basically using a fake id and I got a DUI.

(00:25:33):

So I was in Sybil County Women's Prison for 48 hours at LA County Women's Prison, which is a giant room filled with bunk beds and women trading baloney sandwiches for tampons. And I was like, fuck this. What have I done? You need to get your shit together. And my aunt and uncle had to put a lien on their house to get me out of jail. And I got out of jail and I had to go to DUI school, which meant every week I would go to this class. And everyone got up in front of the whole class and they had to tell their story. And it was like, shame, share your shame. Meanwhile, the whole class was about basically how to get out of your next DUI. The instructor was like, listen, next time you get pulled over, just don't admit to having anything to drink. I was like, well, this is a little bit weird, but, and so I had to do 500 hours of community service. I had to do all this stuff. But anyway, as soon as I found out you had to speak in front of the class, I would just hide. I'd get in the back of the class and last row.

Mel Robbins (00:26:34):

Really? That surprises me.

Chelsea Handler (00:26:35):

Yeah, no, no. I was so scared to death of public speaking. I think most people are.

(00:26:40):

And I would hide. I'd be like, okay, I'm going to get out of this. I knew how to do this in school, how to just disappear and have them forget about you. It went on for 12 weeks or something. It was the very last class. And I was like, I've done it. And then he is like, Chelsea, you have to get up there. And I got up and I told my DUI story, and it's a pretty funny story. I called the cop racist, we're both white. None of the details about this story, they were all ridiculous. I was outside of my house. I passed my house because I was drunk. And then as I was telling my story, everyone started laughing and I just kept going and I got more and more relaxed and it felt amazing. And then finally the instructor came on stage and it was like, okay, this isn't a standup comedy club.

(00:27:26):

Wrap it up. You're enjoying this now. It's like the opposite of the point. And I was like, I am enjoying this. And then I got off stage and a bunch of people came up to me. They're like, you have to be a standup comedian. That was so funny. You're delivery timing, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, I had never thought about that. And I was like a standup comedian. I was like, oh, okay. That's me talking about my own thoughts. I'm not reading the script. I don't have to read somebody else's dialogue. I have total autonomy. And then the next week, I did my first standup set ever at the Laugh Factory. I waited outside from two in the morning till for 24 hours you had to wait in line. And I got on stage and did three minutes of standup comedy. So one of the worst decisions of my life, which was getting a DUI turned into one of the best things that ever happened to me because I thought maybe I will try standup. Maybe that's perfect for me. And then that was it. And then I just started doing standup.

Mel Robbins (00:28:21):

You talked about an ozempic of confidence. My definition of confidence is the willingness to try.

Chelsea Handler (00:28:27):

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (00:29:16):

But you would, you would figure it out. You would because, and there's a difference between trying something over and over again and it not working right? Or being open-minded enough to try something for the very first time.

Mel Robbins (00:29:29):

True,

Chelsea Handler (00:29:29):

Right?

Mel Robbins (00:29:30):

Yes.

Chelsea Handler (00:29:30):

So sometimes I wouldn't want to tell you to say, okay, keep doing something and beating your head against a wall. But definitely be open-minded enough to make a fool out of yourself one time, because who knows, maybe it'll work out. That's true. You say that all the time. Maybe it'll work out. Maybe it'll work out. And guess what? It did work out. And it took me a long time to gain the confidence that I have now after doing it for probably 25 years. No, I was 21, so it's even more than that. But it took for years and years and years. But I knew that I was onto something and I just continued to do that. And it was a crazy circumstance that led me there, but also part of the ridiculousness that is my life and story. And not to shy away from that, I am not proud of getting a DUI, but it's part of how I figured out what I was going to do with my life. Your biggest disappointments and your biggest failures can lead to your biggest successes if you keep your eyes and your ears open and your head up.

Mel Robbins (00:30:40):

Well, funny you should say that because you bust your ass for five years and then you get your first big break in Montreal and it doesn't go according to plan. So tell us that story.

Chelsea Handler (00:30:53):

This is a good story for you to hear. I was the next it girl for this Montreal Comedy Festival, which is basically at the time was the festival to get recognized in this industry or in this standup industry. If you're at that festival or you're on the map, people know who you are. Everyone in the industry that could make decisions about your career is going to be there. There was a lot of buzz about me going to Montreal. I had a special showcase. Everyone who anyone was coming to that show, everybody. And I bombed badly, and I had practiced this set. It was a 10 minute set, but just based on everyone's reaction. And right away I lost my confidence and I was like, I started rushing and I was talking too fast, and I was like knew it wasn't going well. And then it got worse and it got worse, and I got off stage and I was just like, there was no denying what had happened.

(00:31:51):

And I went back to my hotel room, Zach Alkis walked me to my hotel room and was like, you're going to want to sit by yourself for a while. This sucks. And there's nothing I can say to help you. And I was devastated. I thought my career had ended before it had begun, and I just didn't know what I was going to do. I really sat there that night thinking, could I work in an office? What could I do? Do I have to go to college now? How do I begin again? And I'm like, nothing was an option. And then I had another show the next night.

Mel Robbins (00:32:22):

Oh God.

Chelsea Handler (00:32:23):

But no one came because no one, they already were like, we already saw her. She's not ready. She's too green, she's not ready. And then that show of course went great, but nobody was there to see it. And then I get back to la, my manager at the time, this guy, mark Schulman called me and he said, grace Wu, who was an executive at NC, was not at your show in Montreal on Saturday night. She wants to come see you tomorrow night at Luna Park. And I was like, okay. So I called Luna Park, I booked myself. I was like, put me up. And I did the same exact set, but I had nothing to lose at this point because I'd already blown it.

Mel Robbins (00:32:53):

How did you psych yourself up knowing this is it, you must have left Montreal feeling like career's over no chance. And then you get this call, but now the stakes probably feel higher. You just said, I have nothing to lose. But

Chelsea Handler (00:33:07):

No, they didn't feel higher. They just felt like, I've already been rejected. What more could I lose at this point?

Mel Robbins (00:33:13):

Yeah,

Chelsea Handler (00:33:13):

I've already lost the respect of all of these people that can impact my career, so they don't take me seriously. So I'll just go and do it and we'll see. I know I can do it. And so I did it and I crushed it. I had a great set. I got my first development deal that next day they called me and they're like, NBC wants to create a sitcom around your life. So what I want to say to you is that you can have the biggest failure of your life, and you have no idea what's around the corner. All you have control of is your ability to say yes and to reach out and try. And that's what I did again. And it turned out to change my life forever. That changed my life forever. Only 72 hours went by. So it's such an important story to share because it's applicable to anybody in any part of, and doesn't matter what you work in, what kind of life you have, that is the truth of the matter, that you have to keep your head up because you do not know when the rainbow is coming and they're coming.

(00:34:23):

It's like I write in the book that lightness and darkness follow each other around partners because they do without one, you don't have the other. And I have to remind myself of it often going through different things in life, you think you get things figured out and then all of a sudden something hits you and you're like, I have to deal with this again. But you have to know from the experience of having your own life that things can and do work out, especially when your head is in a state of opportunity. And okay, I could have said, no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to humiliate myself anymore. Instead, I was like, okay, I've got nothing to lose. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll believed in myself. I did, even though nobody else believed in me. I knew I just needed one person to say yes.

Mel Robbins (00:35:13):

Oh, I love that. I love that. We all do run around thinking we need everybody. You just need one person.

(00:35:22):

And I also love that this is an illustration again, of this trait that I want everybody to have and that you demonstrate, which is the call comes. A lot of us would've been like, I can't do that. I need time. I got to figure it out. I I'm not ready. And you're just like, all right, I'll try. I'll figure it out. In so many instances and twists and turns, it's you're willing to double down and just trust in your capacity. Not necessarily to nail it, but just to do it and survive if it doesn't go well or to do it and surprise yourself in case it does to say yes to try.

(00:35:58):

It's so cool. It's so cool.

Chelsea Handler (00:36:49):

Well, I got the email and I knew right away because we're women and we know exactly you instinctively when something's off or if there's a vibe. And I knew just from the tone of that email, I was being summoned. And then I wrote back, of course, I'll come to dinner any night. And then she wrote back, how about tonight? And I'm like, tonight, what does that mean? And I called my best friend. I'm like, Jane Fonda wants me to come over. And she's like, what do you think this is about? I'm like, I don't know, but I don't know, but I don't have a good feeling. So I went over to her house and her chef came over and was like, do you want a martini? And I was like, no, no. I'm going to be sober for this part. Like what's coming? I'm not sure what's coming. What is this going to be about?

Mel Robbins (00:37:26):

Cause were you guys friends?

Chelsea Handler (00:37:27):

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (00:37:28):

Okay.

Chelsea Handler (00:37:28):

We had been friends. I hadn't spoken to her in a few months, but she started the meal by telling me. She goes, you may have noticed I was a little chilly towards you at this John Lewis fundraiser we were at for the old congressman who since passed away. It was at Shada Rhimes house. I had seen her, but again, I wasn't grounded and rooted at this time in my life to know that she was blowing me off at that party. It was a fundraiser. She kind of brushed past me, and I was like, oh, that's weird. She must be busy. I knew the tone of that email because it was in the light of day, and I was sober and grounded. Fundraiser. There was a lot of people around, you are mixing, blah, blah, blah. So I didn't take it personally. I just thought, oh, I definitely clocked it, but I didn't overthink it.

(00:38:19):

So she said, you may have noticed I was a little chilly towards you and I wanted to talk to you. You were at my birthday party or out party. I don't even think it was her birthday party. It may have been her birthday party. It was a party. She had her house. She said, you were awful. You were awful to people. You were obnoxious. You were in a terrible mood. You had a dark, dark cloud hanging around you. I don't know what drugs you were on. And quite frankly, neither did I, because I was like, wait, hold on a second. What party? And then I kind of vaguely remembered the party. I remembered the party, but I was thinking about what interactions. And just in that moment, I knew don't defend yourself right now. I had started therapy at that time in my life, just weeks prior I had started and thank God, because one of the first things I learned was don't defend yourself.

(00:39:08):

If you're defending yourself, then you're admitting that something's wrong. If you don't have to defend yourself, then you don't have to, which is such a valuable lesson because defensiveness is just so, and she said, I don't know why you would ever come out in a mood like that. Why would you come to my party in that mood? And she didn't say, I ruined her party, but it left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. And I said, I'm so sorry. I am so grateful that you've taken the time to sit down with me and say this to me. Because that in and of itself is such a demonstration of sisterhood. That is the definition of sisterhood, is to tell somebody the truth when it's inconvenient for you to do so and to be a sister. And in that moment, it was such a light bulb went on about the type of woman that I wanted to be and a reminder that I had gotten off track

(00:40:07):

And she was the type of woman and is always, she's somebody I admire more than probably anybody in my life. Jane. She demonstrated to me exactly the type of woman that I wanted to become somebody who was going to tell the truth when it's inconvenient. She could have just avoided me for the rest of her life and just never said anything. But she chose to take that time. And she said some powerful things to me that night. I said to her, you're never going to have to speak to me again about any bad behavior. The first time will be the last time. And that's how I feel about big mistakes you make the first time, the last time. And that's a Maria Shriver quote, so I don't want to pretend that it's mine, but I heard her say that in interview many, many moons ago. And I believe that I don't want to go to summer camp. I don't want to learn the lessons twice and three times. I want to learn the new lessons. I don't want to date the same asshole twice. I want to date him once and learn my lesson.

Mel Robbins (00:41:05):

She did say powerful things. You write about this on page 27 of all have what she's having. She told me, go find out what your problem is because your gifts are plentiful. And sometimes people with the most gifts have the easiest time throwing them in the trash. Don't be a product of your environment, Chelsea. Make your environment be a product of you. What does that mean to you? Make your environment be a product of you.

Chelsea Handler (00:41:34):

It means sprinkle your goodness around. Sprinkle your fairy dust around. First of all, find your fairy dust. Find out what your thing is, what you're good at doing, what you're good at spreading. And then go impact other people's lives. Don't just go to jail and act like everybody else that you see. Go raise the stock in jail wherever you are. Make it a better place.

Mel Robbins (00:42:01):

One of the things that I love about that story is it is so easy when somebody pisses you off or when you feel slighted or annoyed with them to just write them off or to be cold and bristly and never actually give them the feedback. And what that story illustrates is not only sisterhood, but it is a beautiful way, even though it's hard to do, to have that kind of conversation with somebody about their behavior and how it impacted you. But what it also illustrated is that she saw the bigger and better version of you. She held out a different vision for who she knew you were versus the way you are acting in those circumstances. And if you can think about even in your own life, whether it's a sister or a friend or somebody that you care deeply about that's disappointing you or pissing you off and you're busy venting or gossiping or writing them off, imagine being the kind of person that you could hold out a better vision for somebody else and actually share with them that their behavior doesn't match. Because that opened a door for you, didn't it? Definitely. How did that change you?

Chelsea Handler (00:43:17):

Well, it changed me with, I've done what she did for me to other women, which are also stories in the book where I've said to other women, I've told them the truth when I mean, I do that anyway. It's pretty unwelcome sometimes. But I've learned how to kind of do it in a more careful way after going to therapy and understanding how strong of a personality I have. I've learned to understand that it's not for everybody. Certain people need a different touch, but I've definitely gone out of my way to help women see themselves more clearly and see what the problems that they were experiencing are where they're coming from. It doesn't even have to be a friend. It just has to be a woman or a man.

(00:44:06):

I mean, obviously I am a woman, so my natural predilection is towards other women, but I've done it with men too. And I just think it means so much to take the time out of your life to go, Hey, I want to try and help you here, and I'm not going to leave you hanging. We can follow up and we can still talk about this, but I want to let you know how I'm seeing the situation as an objective outsider or somebody who's inside.

Chelsea Handler (00:44:56):

I got the gift of self-awareness, first of all, which is a beautiful gift. I dealt with my brother dying, which was delayed grief that had turned into anger and rage, which was what I was experiencing at Jane Fonda's party using drugs and alcohol to cover something up or to escape and not really having being in touch. I had a lack of intimacy within my relationships. I was very immature in certain respects, and my bombast and all of the things that had worked for me so early on in my career were starting to not work for me anymore. Oprah has that saying where she says, everything works for you until it doesn't. And I was like, what does that mean? What is she talking about? But just all of the things that made me who I was and made me so successful started to stop working. Then I had to look, and then there was the election in 2016, and that I had a really bad reaction to because that was somewhere I could place my anger.

(00:46:03):

Then I had a reason to be angry. Then I was like, how could this happen? But it wasn't about that. It was about me, and it was about me never being able to be vulnerable about the fact that my brother dying broke my heart, that I was abandoned in my mind, in my little nine-year-old brain. That's what I felt. He told me he was going to be right back, and then he never came back. And to me that was why did he lie? Not that he went off and had a terrible accident. He lied to me. How could he leave me? So getting to the core, I had this amazing therapist who's completely unaffordable, Dan Siegel. I had him on my show. I had a talk show on Netflix for a while, and I had him on my show talking about the adolescent brain and the development of the adolescent brain.

(00:46:49):

And I was like, that kind of sounds like my brain. Meanwhile, I was like 40. And I was like, oh, there's a lot of similarities. I was like, I'd like to talk to you some more. And he is like, well, maybe you should make an appointment. And I was like, no, no. We'll do it on camera. I don't want to get into, and then he piqued my interest enough that I thought, okay, I can talk. I'm such a learner. I love learning about stuff. And I was very curious about the brain development and what hurts your brain, what helps your brain? And so I went out at a very linear approach, and I acted like I was almost getting a degree in psychology. And I remember in one of our very first sessions, he said, let's talk about your childhood. And I was like, my brother died when I was nine.

(00:47:33):

My father, he's like, hold on. My mom's dead. My dad should die. Hopefully he'll die soon. And I was like, but it's not about that. I have no patience. I am angry and I have no patience for stupid people. That was my, and he was like, okay. But he had to work me because he saw what he was dealing with and that I had this huge veneer and armor on and that it was kind of cracking. And then it was his job to crack me open. And he did. And then that in and of itself is a whole other experience because that took about two years. And then I was like, okay, that's enough therapy. I got it. I got a lot of lessons here. I've learned a lot about my behavior, about why I do the things I do. I learned a lot about empathy, a lot about compassion, and a lot about being more discerning about when I insert myself

(00:48:27):

And express my opinions. And then you become confused because you're like, who is this newer version of me? Is this who I, where's the fun me? Is this me now? This is a little boring. And then you're like, oh, I remember going to dinner parties and not inserting myself. Because one of his big things is like, you don't have to be everyone's entertainment. That's not your responsibility. You don't have to go light up a room when you're there. And I'm like, okay. So I'd go to dinner parties and then I'd be really quiet. My friends were like, what's your problem? Why aren't you talking? I'm like, I'm just observing. They're like, this isn't fun. We want Chelsea back. And I'm like, I don't know where Chelsea is right now. I don't know if she's coming back. I'm experimenting with some different personalities right now. So it was just a very strange period. And I saw something on Instagram yesterday where somebody was saying it was a therapist, and she was saying, you go through these phases and you're so unsure of what's happening and you feel so unsteady, but it's okay because you're growing into the newer version of yourself.

(00:49:34):

And so it was so uncomfortable for a couple of years after therapy, subsequent to therapy, I was still like, what is this? And then when I landed on my feet and really understood who I am and went after all of the things I was having insecurities about, all of the things that kind of were tipping me over that weren't allowing me to be a tree,

Mel Robbins (00:49:59):

What the hell did you have insecurities about? Honest to God,

Chelsea Handler (00:50:04):

Just everything. Why don't I want a husband? Maybe something's wrong with me. Maybe something's wrong with my personality that I can't even put up with another person. My career, I went through a period of my career where things weren't going well, and I wasn't getting opportunities that I wanted to get, but just insecure. You can be insecure about anything. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I'm a narcissist. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm unlovable, maybe I'm, all these things, anything that anyone goes through, I went through and it was more of a rinse cycle. It didn't last for very long because I knew it was another instance where I was like, it's up to you to climb out of this. So keep climbing and keep doing it. I started meditating. I started getting really grounded. I stopped with all of the negative. I stopped gossiping with my friends. I lost a lot of friends because I didn't want to do the shit I used to do. But then I gained so many friends that are such better friends. You know what I mean? I just thought, am I a loner? Am I just not meant for this world? Am I in the wrong career? It was a period of two years where I just didn't feel grounded and I didn't feel like I was in my shoes.