9 Habits That Will Change Your Life: The Best Expert Advice I’m Using This Year

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And the clip that you are about to hear hit millions of downloads, millions of listens almost immediately.

 

Dr. Stacy Sims, PhD (00:01:07):

Women are not small men, and people are like, "Well, of course not. Women aren't small men."

 

Dr. Gabor Maté, MD (00:01:14):

No siblings grow up in the same house. No siblings have the same parents. No siblings have the same family. No siblings have the same childhood.

 

Mel Robbins (00:01:23):

This episode was nothing short of a global phenomenon. And now let's jump into it. Let's jump into the top nine moments of this year.

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And if you're new, I want to welcome you. I'm glad you're here. The Mel Robbins Podcast community has grown like crazy this year. See, after Apple named us the number one most followed show in the world and the number three, I'm talking third largest podcast in the world, the third largest downloads, largest listener base. I was just so happy. And I was happy not because of the ranking, but because the ranking demonstrates something that gives me hope. It makes me feel encouraged. See, every single time you find the time and you make the time. To listen to this podcast, it has a simple mission of inspiring you to create a better life and giving you the tools and the resources and access to these world-renowned experts that are going to help you do it. Every time you make the time to listen to this or to watch this, you're making an investment in you, in your happiness, in your family, in your financial future.

 

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I really do believe in my heart that the conversations that you and I are happening, they make you feel clearer. They connect you with what truly matters. They're making you stronger in your body and more hopeful about your life and more confident in how you're showing up every day. I know I feel that way after every single episode that we record, and that's why I'm so excited to share the top nine moments from this year with you. See, we released 106 episodes and more than 75 globally renowned experts showed up with their absolute best insights, their most inspiring story, the most relatable and impactful advice. We looked at everything. We analyzed the episodes you shared the most, the clips you replayed, the ideas that you debated in the comments. Ooh, you got a lot of big opinions. I love that about you. The things that hit you so deeply, you couldn't stop thinking about them.

 

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And today we've assembled the top nine. I'm talking the best of the best. And this is not just a highlight reel. This is going to be a masterclass in how to live your best life because these moments that resonated so deeply with you and your fellow listeners around the world, they resonated because they shifted how you think about friendship, health, relationships, habits, how to find meaning and purpose in your life, how to get unstuck. And before we jump into these nine moments, I want to tell you about something that I created for you. It's something very special. It is a thank you from my team and from me, a thank you to you because you listened to the podcast this year, because you watched the podcast on YouTube and because you made the time and invested time in learning how to create a better life.

 

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I love that. And so I really wanted to give you something. So what are we giving you? We're giving you a 20-page workbook that is going to help you create the best year of your life. It walks you through the six questions that my husband and I have asked ourselves every year at the end of the year, six questions that have guided us for the last 22 years on getting very clear about what we want, where we are right now, and the things that matter and how to create a plan. It is designed to help you get clear. It's designed to help you get in touch with what matters to you. It's designed to help you make next year amazing. And you can find that at melrobbins.com/bestyar. That's where you download it. Feel free to share it with all the people that you care about in your life.

 

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Alrighty. So thank you. And now let's jump into it. Let's jump into the top nine moments of this year.

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That's me. " Because so many of you had moments this year where you just felt off track or you felt unsure or you felt like life was moving, but you were stuck, or maybe you are the person in your family right now who's holding everything together. That's what you've been doing this year, but you are starting to come undone right now. And so if you've thought at all this year, "God, I feel stuck. How do I get unstuck?" You're not alone. And this first moment that resonated so deeply, that's what this is all about. Jay's talking about what it means to be stuck. See, being stuck, feeling like you're still in your life as things are moving, but you're not feeling scared that you'll always be stuck here. This is one of the most universal experiences that you're going to have as a human being.

 

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And so many of you felt so much comfort from the way that my friend Jay Shetty described and reframed this experience of being stuck, that I want you to come back to this over and over and over again, whenever you or somebody that you love is feeling stuck in life. So take a listen to Jay Shetty's brilliant insight.

 

Jay Shetty (00:08:25):

What I'd like people to remember is that you're not stuck, you're actually grieving a past version of yourself. So there's a part of you that's died, that actually you left behind a long time ago, but there's a part of you that still misses it. You still want things to be the same. You still want things to be that way, and that keeps pulling you back. And that's actually blocking you from making the next move. It's stopping you because life used to be this way or life used to feel this way. And so we're stuck not because we don't know what to do next. We're stuck because there's a part of us that wants to hold onto what we have here. There's a beautiful Zen teaching that says what's holding you back is what you're holding onto. There's an identity, an idea, a mindset, a behavior, an attitude that is keeping you held back.

 

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And once you let go of that, once you open and release your hands, all of a sudden you feel free. So what identity, what habit, what mindset, what expectation are you letting yourself be held back by that if you were to let go of, you could easily move forward. If you've raised your kids and they've left the house, there's a part of you that misses what the home felt like with their energy. And now you spend all your day thinking about all the memories and the corners. You look in this corner and you remember your child growing up, you look in this corner and you remember Christmas dinner, you look at this place. So you're constantly surrounding yourself with an identity that no longer exists. So you don't have the time or the energy or the presence to be able to even think about what comes next because there's a part of you that still feels affected.

 

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If you go through a relationship breakup, you keep looking at pictures of when you went on vacation, you keep looking at the pictures of when you had your first date. You keep looking at the memories of maybe it's a clothing, piece of clothing, maybe it's an item at home, whatever you're surrounded by. So you're still living as if you're still dating that person. And so that's all holding onto something that is an identity that's already moved on in life. Your kids have already moved on, they're at college or they're getting engaged. Your ex has already moved on. They're in a new relationship or they're alone. So reality has moved on, but you've held on to the piece of clothing, the memory, the photo, the whatever it may be. And that's what's keeping you stuck. So my question to everyone is, what is that thing for you and how do you learn to release it?

 

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That's the focus. I think we think we're stuck because we don't know what to do next. No, we're stuck because we're still holding onto what's behind us. And as soon as you release it, you propel yourself forward. Have you ever felt that before? And you're holding onto something really tight. If you let go of it, all of a sudden you feel momentum. Momentum doesn't come from knowing where you're going. It comes from knowing that I don't want to be here anymore. And I think if people think about that for a second, what are you holding onto that's holding you back? What are you clinging onto that's keeping you locked in, that's keeping you stuck?

 

Mel Robbins (00:11:23):

Just let that sit for a minute. What are you clinging onto that's keeping you locked in, that's keeping you stuck? I want to repeat something else that he said because it really struck me. Jay asked you a question. He said, "My question to you is what is that thing for you and how do you learn to release it? " We think we're stuck because we don't know what to do next. Oh my God, that one hit me. It's so true. I've always felt stuck because I'm like, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. " Jay wants you to really consider, no, you're stuck because you're holding onto what's behind you and as soon as you release it, you propel yourself forward. Wow. I mean, no wonder that was one of the most rewatched, re-shared, sent to your sister at midnight moments of the entire year.

 

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So many of you wrote in saying the same thing, "I thought I didn't know what to do next, but really I was just scared to let go of what wasn't working or I was scared to admit that a chapter of my life was over and I was still holding onto it and expecting my life to feel the same." No wonder this moment rose to the top. It helped you see your life with more clarity. I know it helped me too. I mean, the truth is we've all done this. You've done this, I've done this. You hold on a little too tightly to something that you've outgrown, the relationship that used to fit, the job that doesn't light you up anymore, the friend group that you used to have so much fun with, but now it just kind of feels stale or maybe you're holding onto the version of yourself and you're afraid to admit that, "My gosh, I've just moved past myself." Jay helps so many of you name that.

 

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And once you name it, you can start moving forward again. I mean, that clip, that was a truth bomb, but the entire episode was full of moments just like this. And if you haven't listened to it yet, you have to cue this one up next. It is in the show notes. It'll be linked with all the episodes that we are featuring today that had the top nine moments of the entire year. And that one you want to relisten to because people kept coming back to this conversation with Jay and all the wisdom that he dropped over and over on so many topics like relationships, purpose. I mean, you just have to carve out the time to hear it, to experience the truth bombs. I mean, it was just mic drop after mic drop after mic drop. Now, that was just the first of nine. And after that Jay Shetty moment took off, my team and I noticed something really interesting.

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And that voice was Danielle Bayard Jackson. Daniel Byard Jackson is the bestselling author of Fighting for Friendship, and she is the director of the Women's Relational Health Institute where she leads groundbreaking research on the science of female connection. Now, Danielle has this unbelievable gift of taking something that feels personal. It feels painful. Sometimes the lack of friendship and connection in your life or the fact that friends have fallen off, it can feel kind of shameful. You have this feeling, is it just me that feels like this friendship thing is so hard, especially the older I get? And she's going to explain this in a way that will make you think, "Oh, wait, wait a minute. This is happening to all of us." And this next clip, it's one of the top nine clips of the entire year, was one of the most validating things that you heard all year long.

 

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You told us it was a relief that it even made you cry. So many people, including me, said, "Oh my gosh, learning this, it finally made sense of the friendships that I've lost. It made me feel like I'm not some idiot or I'm incapable of keeping and making and nurturing friendships." And if you haven't listened to the full episode yet that we've done with Danielle, you have to. It is packed with the kind of clarity and research more importantly. She's got the statistics that lay the foundation and the groundwork that really help you understand the nature of adult friendship. And one of the statistics that really blew my mind, and this goes for men and women, is that you will replace half of your friends every seven years. This is normal. This is what everybody experiences. And that was just the beginning of the research and the frameworks that Danielle taught us this year about adult friendship that made it one of the most powerful moments of the entire year. So let's take a listen to Danielle Bayard Jackson on the Mel Robbins podcast.

 

Danielle Bayard Jackson (00:17:31):

So men and women. Yeah, there's research that finds that we replace half of our friends every seven years. I hope that that makes people feel a little less ashamed if they have friendships that don't work out because what that says to me is that there's this natural pruning that happens throughout your life. I also hope that that has people release any shame around needing to make new friends because I hear people say, "I'm out here making friends at 42. I should have had all my friends from high school. Really? Because I know some of the friends I had in high school, it would not be appropriate for us to still be friends. It wouldn't make sense to where I am right now or the values I have right now." And so if we are dropping or shedding new friends every seven years, that means we need to be picking up new ones because what does that churn rate look like?

 

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How am I positioning myself to invite new friendships into my life? So I hope it shows us that we will always be having to make new friends, but we even kind of promote the idea to young girls. We'll even ask them from a young age, "Is that your best friend? Is that your bestie? Do you want something for your best friend?" And we've got the chains with the hearts from Claire's best friend. So from the very beginning, being trained to identify who that one person is. And I've also heard it said that relationships are a woman's primary resource. And I wonder if it's kind of like this social currency, especially at that age, is how many friends do you have? And we see the girl with lots of friends and what determinations do I begin to make about her? She must be likable and cool. So the girl who's got a lot of friends, but especially if you have a bestie, because that means you matter. This is your alliance. You have somebody who sees you as important. And so that best friend phenomenon I definitely see emerge at that stage.

 

Mel Robbins (00:19:18):

What would you say to the person who's listening to you right now who either experienced not having a best friend or not feeling like they were part of a good friend group or they're seeing somebody that they care about experiencing it right now?

 

Danielle Bayard Jackson (00:19:34):

You are not alone. There's some research that finds that 40% of adults don't have a best friend. So there's a lot of people out here who don't have that maybe in this particular season of their life. It doesn't make you any less important or worthy or lovable to not have that one person. And if you don't, ask yourself if you can get all the things you need from the collective rather than the singular. I think it's a romantic notion, this idea of the one person who offers you multiple things. She's your mom friend, your happy hour buddy. It's very cool when that one person satisfies all those things. But until maybe you find that person, can you find that from the collective, from multiple people, you're getting laughter, you're getting growth opportunities, you're sharing resources. Are you getting that from the village? Because maybe right now that's more important than having the one person who satisfies all the things.

 

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And so I just need that woman to know you are not alone. There are so many people who are in the same boat and to resist the urge to internalize that and to wonder what's wrong with you because you don't have that right now.

 

Mel Robbins (00:20:41):

Every time I listen to Danielle, I just feel myself exhale. Don't you? I mean, that's why this was one of the top nine moments of the entire year. Because if you've ever looked around and thought, is it just me? Am I the only adult who's a loser who doesn't have a tight friend group? Danielle proved through research that you're not alone, not even close. This is what the majority of people are feeling. In fact, I want to reflect back a few things that really struck me and changed me, and I know it changed you too because you kept writing in about it and commenting about it. And it's also why relistening to these moments is so powerful, even for me. In listening to that with you, I just got a whole new insight that I'm about to share with you. And so let me reflect back a couple things that really I think are important to take away from that, that number one, for men and women, that every seven years you're going to go through this, she called it a natural pruning or shedding, and you're going to lose up to half your friends.

 

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And that's normal. It's a sign that you're growing and changing, and so are the people in your life. And that's a beautiful thing, but you have to be honest with yourself and wake up to the fact that if half are going to naturally come in and out of your life, you got to be proactive about finding new friends, making new friends and adding new friends to your life. It's such a beautiful insight because it doesn't make it personal. It just makes it a priority for you to take this serious. The other thing that really struck me is that 40% of people say they don't have a best friend. Now, in re-listening to that, I want to share something that I just got out of that moment for the very first time. It was a moment where she was talking about how if you don't have that singular person, it doesn't make you less important.

 

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And that we have been led to believe this romantic notion that you should be able to get everything from just one person, and that there's this ability to be very satisfied in the collective. And here's what I just realized, that at this stage of my life, I'm 57, I get more from the collective nature of friendship. Having a bestie, bestie, bestie, it can put a lot of pressure on you to always respond. It can put a lot of pressure on that person to be everything. And I find it really powerful to relax into this notion of friendship as a collective versus a singular. And I'm just sharing that because it really dawned on me as I listened to her share this moment again as I've been listening just alongside with you. And that's why I love doing this best of episode because I get something new out of these moments just like you are, even if you heard it when we released the episode for the first time.

 

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So I'm so glad that you're here because what Danielle just gave you and me is permission to stop taking friendship changes personally, to stop making it a referendum on your worth, to stop assuming everyone else has got some secret friendship manual that you never received. The truth is your life changes, and that means your friendships will change with it. That's growth. And if you're feeling this strain on your relationship with your bestie, maybe lean into the collective. Maybe your bestie's going through something. Maybe you're going through a really busy part of your life and just take the pressure off because that's going to give space for the friendship to both continue to grow and for you to grow into relationships with other people. I just love this. And here's the part that resonated with so many of you, that if friendships naturally shift, that means you're not behind.

 

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You're not starting over. You're simply living your life and as you shift and change, now you're making room for the people who fit into the chapter that you're in right now. What a beautiful way to think about it. Now, I know why this resonated. It resonated because it's the truth of what we're all experiencing. And it also resonated, I know, because it was one of the most shared episodes of the entire year and one of the most popular episodes on Apple of this entire year. And if you haven't listened to the entire conversation yet, please do. If you haven't shared this with people in your life, your friends, people that are struggling with friendship, please take a moment and share it because it will take the pressure off your shoulders. It'll take the pressure off the shoulders of the people in your life that are feeling lonely because they haven't found their people or they're going through that season where they're shedding a lot of people or they're in a new transition and they're having to make new friends.

 

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And this conversation will replace that uncertainty with the kind of clarity that every one of us needs.

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Let me tell you about the popularity of this episode and the advice that you're about to hear and the moment I'm about to play for you. This episode was only released a month ago. It's already one of the fastest growing episodes I've ever released. You've written in saying things like Mel, I have sent this to everyone I love and the clip that you are about to hear hit millions of downloads, millions of listens almost immediately. And look, I get it. I was not surprised when this episode hit the top. I was surprised by the numbers and the data that accumulated in just one month because when Dr. Mussallem talks, she makes something as terrifying as cancer and disease feel clearer, calmer, and more in your control than you realize. Let me tell you about Dr. Dawn Mussallem. She is a double board certified Mayo Clinic cancer doctor and a pioneering lifestyle medicine expert.

 

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She's also a stage four cancer survivor who specializes in helping people prevent and fight disease through both traditional medicine and lifestyle. The advice she is about to give you went viral instantly because in this moment she's breaking down the specific foods that you and your loved ones need to eat. Why? Because they fight cancer. These are the five specific foods that she tells her patients to eat when they have a cancer diagnosis. These are the five specific foods that Dr. Mussallem ate and focused on when she got her cancer diagnosis. This was so compelling. It's so tactical. The research is so unbelievable. There were four and a half million of you who watched it on Instagram alone. So here is Dr. Dawn Mussallem describing the five foods that fight cancer and the research that explains how they do it.

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:28:27):

So there's research with berries that's so exciting, both for breast cancer prevention as well as breast cancer survivorship. You won't believe this. For every two servings a week, it can reduce the risk of breast cancer. And for breast cancer survivor, it can reduce the risk of dying from breast cancer by 25%. This was in the nurse's health study. Such cool data, right? So berries, but guess what? These purple sweet potatoes, can we talk about those?

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:51):

Yes. So let's talk about the purple sweet potatoes. Dr. Mussallem, why do purple sweet potatoes prevent cancer?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:28:59):

There's 150% more anthocyanins in these purple sweet potatoes than there are in those berries.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:05):

Tell me about the word anthianin. What does it do in your body that helps prevent cancer and cure disease and have you live a longer life?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:29:17):

So anthocyanins, like many of these other phytonutrients we see in these vegetables and fruits that we have here, they have the opportunity to come into our body. And what we have is we have tumors, genes that will be turned on, and we have tumor genes that can be turned off. That's how they function with the cancer. And these different molecules can help to either make cancer turn off so that it's not likely to have this proliferation, or they can even turn on things called tumor suppressor genes. These tumor suppressor genes help to be the breaks on any cancer.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:47):

Why do vegetables like cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, why do these prevent or cure cancer?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:29:55):

These are some of the most powerful vegetables when it comes to breast ... Cancer, and there's so many fun facts with it. So if we look at this cauliflower and broccoli, these are beautiful cruciferous vegetables. And maybe when I'm ready to cook these, I'll chomp on a few of these before I cook it. And you know why?

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:11):

Why?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:30:12):

Because when they're raw, there's an enzyme in them called mirosinase.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:15):

Okay. Myrosinase?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:30:17):

Myrosinase.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:18):

Okay.

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:30:19):

And that enzyme is really magical for trying to absorb the phytonutrients that are in the broccoli, the cauliflower, the brussel sprouts, the arugula better and more effectively. So when it comes to breast cancer, it helps to make estrogen into a less proliferative form.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:35):

What does proliferative mean?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:30:37):

When we think of the breast tissue, we think of the fact that the breast tissue itself can be in a proliferative state where cells can grow more.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:45):

Got it.

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:30:45):

And what the broccoli can do is it can transition the estrogen actually in our body to a form of estrogen that doesn't cause that proliferation. Proliferation is growth. So you can imagine if something's upregulating growth, that's not a good thing. We want things that try to turn off that growth and it keeps that in check. It's like a master at detoxification.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:06):

Let's talk about beans and why do they prevent cancer?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:31:11):

This is an amazing plant protein, but when you think about plant protein, you're not just getting protein, you're getting fiber.

 

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And fiber is obviously in all of these plant fits. You only get fiber from plants. There was just something we call an umbrella review, 17 million person years in the study. And what it showed us is that there's class one evidence, this is like the highest quality evidence we have in medicine, that fiber can help to reduce dying from any cause, dying from heart disease. It can also reduce the risk of dying from pancreas cancer in this class one evidence. What? It's really exciting. There was another study, another review of the data that was just published that showed that fiber can help to reduce the risk of cancer by 22%.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:51):

Why does edamame prevent cancer?

 

Dr. Dawn Mussallem, DO (00:31:54):

There are very few things we can consume that God forbid you ever got breast cancer would reduce your risk of dying in edimone are one of those. And one of the most influential times you have that edamame is your young girl. And if you're a young boy, it's going to be very protective for his prostate too. So we know that soy is also good to reduce the risk of prostate cancer. There's even some research that says it reduces the risk of lung cancer. And it's amazing for the gut microbiome. But let me talk about breast cancer because a lot of women with breast cancer avoid soy. Even though that we know this data that it looks protective, they avoid soy. Well, the American Cancer Society's 2022 data on nutrition and exercise update dedicated three paragraphs to the safety of soy and breast cancer survivors.

 

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And it didn't just show safety. In this beautiful meta-analysis, it showed that there was a 25% reduction in breast cancer coming back. Let's talk about kiwi. It's super cool. So this really gets on the cellular level. At the level of DNA, it can reduce oxidative stress. So oxidative stress is what comes from us from everything as simple as breathing oxygen from the environment to having any stressors in life.

 

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It's just really living. We get this oxidative damage that builds up. Certain foods can even kind of cause this trigger as well. But what these little magical fruits do is they go in and they help to turn off that oxidative stress. They come to the rescue.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:15):

I mean, don't you just love her? If this is the first time you're experiencing the magic of Dr. Dawn Mussallem, you have got to listen to the entire episode because she just ... You know what I almost imagine when I'm listening to her? I'm imagining being a patient in a hospital and she walks and you could see her wearing a cape. I love the word. She's talking about science, super cool, beautiful meta analysis, fun facts, tumor genes turning ... I mean, it's just like she has this ability to bring something to the conversation about a topic that's terrifying, cancer. And as you listen to her, you feel hopeful. You have clarity. You believe the science. She's so enthuusiastic about how your body can heal and these things that you can eat that ... I mean, these are her words, tumor genes, turn off. I mean, just photonutrients.

 

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I'm so excited by the fact that you have this episode as a resource. I'm excited that you have a world-renowned Mayo Clinic cancer doctor who's a stage four breast cancer survivor who is sharing this with you because cancer is one of those topics that we've tiptoe around. And I know it feels big. It's heavy. It's scary. It's out of your control. You doubt whether or not your body can manage it. But Dr. Mussallem, she doesn't speak to you from fear. She speaks to you from power, from lived experience, and from science, science that she is so excited about. And that's what made this moment explode. Dr. Mussallem is living proof that your body wants to heal and it knows how to heal. And she gave you the very specific takeaways backed by extraordinary research to prove to you that there are things that you can do.

 

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She's reminding you that your future, it's not passive. It's your responsibility. She's telling you your choices matter. Your habits matter. The food you eat, it matters. You matter. That's why this episode took off the way that it did. It didn't scare you. It empowered you. It made you smarter. Now, the success of the episode with Dr. Dawn Mussallem didn't surprise me because you deeply care about your health. It's one of the reasons why you listen.

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This was one of the most talked about, most rewatched, most shared conversations of the entire year. And I get why. Because Vanessa Marin makes this topic feel normal. Vanessa has been in clinical practice as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years, and she's been married for 16 years. She knows what it's like, and she turns the lights on a topic that so many of us have kept in the dark, literally. She has this way of giving you permission to understand yourself better and communicate better without the shame, without the pressure, without the shoulds, or the hinting or the withholds where you're thinking about it, but you don't really talk about it. And that's why this next moment struck such a nerve. It was kind of like a collective sigh of relief. And I'm kind of happy that this was one of the biggest moments because I think we all want to have a great sex life and we don't really know how to talk about it.

 

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And that's why this was also one of the most refreshing conversations of the entire year because one of the things Vanessa talked about is the timing of sex, literally. What's the best time of day to have sex? And when you should have sex and what to do and not do once you're in bed. Now, isn't it interesting that the third largest podcast in the world in terms of downloads and global listeners, that the advice about sex and improving your sex life was something that was one of the most powerful clips globally? I guess we're all kind of struggling with this. We all want to feel more satisfied and more connected. We want to feel more empowered. And this particular piece of advice that I'm about to play for you, it changed my life. It's a piece of advice that I put to use immediately. The second I was done talking to Vanessa, I shared this with my husband, Chris.

 

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It is so brilliant. It is so obvious. It is kind of one of those things that once you hear it, you're like, oh my God, I have been so overcomplicating this. Why did I not think about this sooner? Wait until you hear what sex therapist, Vanessa Marin said. When I asked her, "Vanessa, when is the best time of day for sex?"

 

Vanessa Marin (00:38:37):

Another classic mistake that I see most couples making, which is that we leave sex to the very end of the night. We just have that idea in our heads like, "Oh, we're all teeth brushed, all cleaned up, crawling into bed. That's the time for sex." That is the worst time for sex. By the time you're crawling into bed, you are exhausted. You're thinking about the next day, you're thinking about the crazy day you just had. You're doing that mental math in your head of, okay, if I fall asleep in the next five minutes, then I can get this many hours of sleep. That is the worst time to get excited about sex. So I always encourage couples try to have sex as early in the evening as you can. Obviously, everybody has different schedules. We have different things going on, but try to prioritize it as early as you possibly can.

 

(00:39:21):

So if it's we're not going to watch TV until we've had sex first, maybe it's even we're going to have sex and then we're going to have dinner or we're going to have dinner, have sex, then we'll come back and clean everything up. But do it earlier so you actually have the energy to have that intimacy with each other.

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:37):

What I'm hearing from you, which is interesting because I feel myself also having a little bit of a visceral like, oh God, is this idea of you got to plan it. You're like, "Yeah, no kidding, Mel. You have to plan it. " Because I think I believe in the myth that it's just supposed to happen, which is clearly not working. And that's what happens in the beginning of a relationship. When you first, it's brand new, you will literally going to the grocery store is the hottest day on the planet and then you're having sex in the backseat of the car, in the parking lot. Those days are over. So you're saying-

 

Vanessa Marin (00:40:12):

I want to challenge you on that though.

 

(00:40:14):

Okay. If you really think back on it, in the early days of a relationship, so I'll talk about Mia and Xander. When we started having sex and then we're planning dates with each other, we're scheduling sex. Because you're planning dates. We're planning dates. I would know. He'd ask me out on Friday, "Hey, you want to go hang out on Friday? We'll go to dinner, come back to my place." We're having sex. That's scheduling sex. It's not that we've never had to schedule sex before and now we're old and boring and we have to do it. We've been scheduling sex our entire relationship.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:45):

What are some little things that make a big difference in your sex life?

 

Vanessa Marin (00:40:49):

Ooh, I'll give you three. First one, gratitude, which you might not expect, but research has shown that gratitude is actually the number one predictor of marital satisfaction. And we talked earlier about how emotional and physical intimacy are really deeply intertwined. So if we want to feel closer to our partner and get the maximum bang for our buck, gratitude is the fastest thing that you can do. It's literally a few seconds to say, "I appreciate this about you. I saw that you did that. Thank you so much for this. " Second thing is some form of physical contact with each other. We talked a lot about non-sexual touch. It's so important to have that non-sexual touch. And in particular, I like a six-second kiss and a 20 to 30-second hug. We actually have research showing that those are the specific timeframes it takes for our body to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, the trust hormone makes us feel close to each other.

 

(00:41:47):

And then the third thing, eye contact. It is wild how few couples make eye contact with each other. And I think that there is no greater tragedy than being in a long-term relationship with somebody, but feeling literally and emotionally unseen by them. So those three things, you can do those three things in under a minute every single day, and those will make such a big impact.

 

Mel Robbins (00:42:11):

I just have to say, hearing this again alongside you, I truly understand why this was one of the most powerful moments of the entire year for all of us. I mean, I'm just going to reflect back to you what changed my life about this. When she said that thing about the fact that you've always been scheduling sex and that basically a date is scheduling sex, I just was like, "Duh, Mel." You just look at it differently when you're in a long-term relationship. Why did I not think about this before? It's so true, isn't it? I mean, because by the time I crawl into bed, I'm wrapped up like a human burrito. I'm horizontal. I'm done. If Chris even breathes in my direction, I'm like, "Okay, how about the morning? How about the morning? I'm too tired." And that's what I love so much about Vanessa's work, that she takes something that so many of us feel embarrassed about or you feel shameful because you think that you're doing something wrong or you can't believe that it's gotten to this point where you're no longer having sex as much as you want to or you're angry and removes every ounce of shame from it.

 

(00:43:23):

And there's one other thing I wanted to reflect back to you that has made a big difference. You know those three things she said at the end that really impact your sex life all based on research, the first being gratitude, and that's kind of like remembering who you married and being appreciative of all the things they are doing, of how hard they are trying, of the good things that are easy to forget about the person. But the two things that have made a big deal for me is the hugs. The physical contact and that research about a hug needing to last between 20 and 30 seconds. Chris and I were always touchy, feely, but the hug thing, whenever I pass him in the kitchen, we now have this habit where we stop, like one of us will grab the other one by the shoulders and we just hug and 20 seconds is longer than you think and practicing doing an extra long hug like that, it just makes you feel more connected to your person.

 

(00:44:19):

It's really remarkable how these two simple changes, making it a point to hug a little longer than normal and do it once a day. My rule is if I pass Kris in the kitchen, I stop and I hug him. That's the rule. It happens every day now. And then just scheduling sex, having it before we go out, having it before dinner, having it earlier in the day. Holy cow, small changes, extraordinarily profound impact. So I think it really was such an important moment globally because if you've been silently wondering, why don't I want sex as much as I used to? Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with us? Why can't it just happen naturally like it used to happen? Well, what we learned from Vanessa is it didn't happen naturally because we were scheduling it through something we used to call dating. And Vanessa just brings this huge collective, "Oh, you're not broken.

 

(00:45:19):

Your relationship isn't broken. You're just human and your body and your brain are tired at night." It's not that you're not interested. That's why this moment became one of the most replayed, rewatched and shared of the entire year. It didn't make you feel guilty. It made you feel understood. It took the pressures off your shoulders and gave you permission to approach intimacy with more humor, more grace and way less self-judgment. And if you haven't heard the full conversation, you should because it's everything you need more of in your relationships, simple, doable shifts that make sense, that are grounded in research, and that help you make connection easier instead of heavier.