How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:28:13):

Yes. And so, this is particularly true, I think, among women. Yeah. First of all, if you're looking at, you know, a sexual experience, on average, a woman has an orgasm about 10 to 15 minutes in, right? For a male, it's five minutes within the beginning of penetration, right, or the beginning of stimulation. So, most women, right, in the context of partnered sex, at least in the context of, of straight sex, if they're having any kind of an orgasm from penetrative sex, is having a lot later in than it is for a man, that is normal. Just because it takes a little bit longer does not mean at all that it is less intense or less pleasurable, right? We tend to be so incredibly focused on numbers, right? If you even look at the language around sex, achieving orgasms, right? Finishing, right? We're, we're so numbers and goal oriented.

 

(00:29:14):

It's okay if it takes a little bit longer. In fact, that's better, right? It means that it's more exploratory, that, right? It's a longer experience. But the other thing is just coming back to the importance of the clitoris, although we find that women in having partnered sex, right, with, in the context of straight sex, will have, you know, an orgasm later in than men, when you look at the speed with which an orgasm occurs for men and women when they're masturbating, it's exactly the same. It's about four to five minutes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:49):

Okay. I just wanna make sure I heard that.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:29:52):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:52):

And that as you're listening or watching on YouTube, you got that. Yes. That the average length of time that it takes ... A woman to have an orgasm is about 15 minutes if you're full on intercourse. Right. But if you're masturbating- Yes. ... men and women achieve orgasm within four to five minutes. Yes. So it's because we know what we're doing.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:30:12):

Exactly, because we know what we're doing. And we tend to be stimulating the clitoris, right? Again, penetrative sex is incredible, but it's not the most efficient path towards orgasm, right?

Mel Robbins (00:30:42):

Well, and what's interesting is that since we began with you basically saying, "Let's flip our mindset and let's really think about your sex life as allowing pleasure in. "

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:30:53):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (00:30:53):

The second you focus on whether or not you're going to orgasm, now you're in the burden zone- Exactly. ... versus just being in the moment and allowing whatever it is to feel good.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:31:05):

And it's that kind of pressure that leads to so many women faking orgasms, right? Over 50% of women say they have faked an orgasm at some point. And when you interview them and ask for their reasons, it's because often they felt like they had to protect their partner's feelings, right? Mm. That if they didn't orgasm, that they'd be making their partner feel like it, they just weren't a man, right? Or that they just weren't, you know, a good sexual partner. And that it would lead to sort of this dynamic where y- one person felt insecure and rejected and it just leads to more and more pressure. And again, the more pressure you're putting on the sexual experience, the less likely you are to enjoy it, right? The less likely it is to be pleasurable.

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:57):

I think 50%'s probably a low number.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:32:00):

Mm-hmm.

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:00):

You know, if you're being honest with yourself- Yep. ... you faked an orgasm to either finish things- Yep. ... and be done with it, or because it's taking too long and now up, you're up in your head and you're not enjoying it, and now you don't want them to feel bad, so it's like an out.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:32:13):

The trick to pleasurable sex isn't this innate ability to have an orgasm that is just somebody's permanent skillset, right? It's through communication. It's through being able to use phrases like, "Guide me, or show me what you want, " or, "Is this feeling good?" Or, "Should I do more of this? " Or, "Show me what you like. " It's using, you know, slight shifts in position or slight shifts in, you know, initiating something that feels really good to you. It's using size and moans to, again, communicate what's working, right? And so it's shutting down honest communication if you're just shutting yourself off from your partner by faking an orgasm-

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:03):

Mm.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:33:04):

... and essentially using deception, right? And if you think about the couple that's been together maybe for 20, 30 years, and there's been a repeated pattern of faking orgasms, it can be a really hard place to all of a sudden, you know, 20 years in, say, "Honey, I've actually been faking orgasms all this time," right? And all of a sudden, it's, it's sort of this monumental time when you're like, "Oh my gosh, our sex life just hasn't been what I thought it was. " Right? Now, there is a path back from that. What is it? It's first, you need to figure out what does turn you on. You need to masturbate. You need to, whether it's on your own, in the shower with one of the amazingly creative, technologically advanced sex toys we now have available to us, you need to learn what the types of touch and sensation are that make you feel at home and connected to your body.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:07):

Hmm.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:34:07):

You need to give yourself permission to maybe take longer, like we talked about than what the whole world has taught you is necessary and expected, right? And it's through communication, right? And this might look like having a conversation with your partner, right, where you say, "Look, I know this topic is really awkward, but it's important to us, and I want sex to be as pleasurable as it is. And so let's have an actual conversation, right?" And this is why in my book, I give all sorts of questions that couples can ask each other to try to improve the sex that's in their relationship.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:49):

I have so many thoughts. I am so happy you're here because I do believe that if you listen to this conversation with your partner, it will open the door. And I applaud anybody that is willing to say out loud to somebody, "I really wanna work with you to improve this. " My husband did that in our relationship four years ago. Now, we're gonna be married 30 years this year, and I remember when he came to me and said, "You know, one of my goals this year is that we really lean in and improve our sex life." And when he first said that, Dr. McNichols, I was like, "What do you mean? What's wrong with it? D- d- d- what am I not doing? And now I have to do more." Like, it just was this ... And the poor guy is just trying to connect-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:35:36):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:37):

... Around something so important. And I remember feeling very much like I'm doing something wrong.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:35:44):

Right. And I think so many couples struggle with that. Mm-hmm. It can immediately feel like a rejection or, wait, oh my God, you mean you're, are you not happy in our sex life? I- is something missing? Is it, is it not as good as I thought it was? And so, yeah, learning to have those larger conversations where you ask each other really important questions, but you have to frame it as, "I love you, " right? This is important to us, to me, to you, right? Sexual intimacy is something I would really love to focus on, and I'm attracted to you, and I love you so much, and this is an area of our life that I feel like we should work on because it's fun- Mm. ... and because it can always get better, right? And I feel like if you're, you know, setting it up with the positive, right?

 

(00:36:41):

Because one thing that is so true when it comes to sexual communication is that

Mel Robbins (00:37:07):

What's a micro novelty?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:37:08):

Oh, micro novelty is ... So we've all heard that novelty is critical in, with, you know, keeping sex alive, um, but we tend to be scared of it, right? We think that novelty means, you know, going to the sex shop, buying the whip, getting the, the, the paddle, right? Or that we have to become almost a completely different person in order to have novelty and experience the sex life we want. But the reality is that, you know, yes, novelty is important. And the research shows that couples who introduce some form of novelty once a month or more, right, so a total of 12 times a year, we're talking, experience greater levels of sexual satisfaction than couples who engage in less novelty. So it is important. It doesn't need to look like swinging from the chandeliers.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:01):

'Cause I was gonna say the, the paddles and the whips and stuff sound like macro.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:38:04):

Right.

 

Mel Robbins (00:38:05):

Novelty for me.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:38:06):

They're macro. You ... And, and if that's what you're into, go for it, right? By all means. I have a whole chapter in my book if you are interested in exploring that, but it could be trying a different technique, right? A different type of touch that I go deeply into, right? Read chapters two and three where I talk about all these different types of touch and technique that can be really pleasurable. It could be setting the mood in a slightly different way, right? We have research showing that couples in long-term relationships who set the mood and,

 

(00:38:40):

And, you know, this is sort of, you know, sweet and you can take with this with a grain of salt, but couples who say, "I love you during sex report higher levels of sexual satisfaction." Kissing, kissing more during sex increases the chances of orgasm among women and increases sexual satisfaction, right? So it might be having sex at a slightly different time of day, right? Maybe instead of saving it until the end of the day when you're exhausted or after a huge meal, you schedule it for before you go out to dinner or before you go out at night or earlier in the day, right? It could be that you've noticed that the best sex of your life happens when you're on vacation. Maybe it's, you know, making an effort to schedule more time to go away, just the two of you, or get a hotel in the city you live, why do you have to be traveling to, you know, do that even just for a single night?

 

(00:39:33):

Or it could be introducing, you know, a blindfold or one of these types of, you know, sensation play that doesn't involve any kind of pain, maybe a little pinwheel, maybe it's ice cubes, right? Maybe the blindfold, you know, which increases your attention to your body, the sensations you're, you're experiencing. All of these things, you know, you don't have to be, again, you know, whipping out the paddle. You can, but it's not-

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:02):

I mean, the sleep mask is right there next to the bed. It's right there. Probably be using it. Just have the sleep mask on. Like, when you're- Normally that signals something else. Right. But, you know, you could-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:40:12):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:12):

... introduce micro novelty.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:40:14):

Exactly. Let's go. Maybe, okay, I think on your sleep mask, we, it could be double sided. So like one side means sleep, but the other side is your clue

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:22):

Sex. ... is what it means.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:40:24):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:40:25):

Sleep versus sex.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:40:26):

Exactly. And, you know, the beauty of things like, uh, a mask or, you know, any kind of, when you're cutting off one sensation, you're automatically, your body is compensating by tuning into other sensations. So you are immediately going to be more sensitive to touch and you're also going to be sort of more in the present because you're going to be so focused on that type of touch because your body's relying on it.

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:41:04):

I really wish I could free people from the shame that they experience around their sexual fantasies. There's wonderful research on it that exists now. And one of the major takeaways is that people fantasize about really wild, diverse things, and that what you fantasize about is not necessarily what you want in real life.

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:33):

So Dr. McNichols, how do you want us to think about our sexual fantasies?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:41:39):

I want you to, first of all, normalize whatever fantasy you're having.

 

Mel Robbins (00:41:43):

Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:41:43):

Right? So for those of you who are wondering, the most popular sexual fantasy in America is threesomes. So let's take that as an example, right? Okay. Multi-partnered sex. Not everyone that is having a fantasy about threesomes actually wants to have a threesome, right? In other words, a lot of people might kind of have that fantasy, it gets them turned on, maybe they even think about it when they're masturbating, but the reality of a threesome feels overwhelming, unappealing. Do you, you know, how would that even work? I mean, personally, I know with my ADHD, I don't think it would, uh, it's too much. It's I fond of that category. Yeah. Um, but it doesn't mean that it's not natural to fantasize about it. Same thing with taboo activities, right? Having sex in a public place, right? Public sex is a very common sexual fantasy. Having sex in the airplane bathroom, right?

 

(00:42:46):

Having sex in a situation where you might get caught, right? Very, very common. They're tied to certain interesting personality correlates, but they don't necessarily predict what we want to have happen in real life. It's not just that we're having fantasies about wild, kinky things. The reality is that all of us really want to be desired, right? Feeling like somebody else really wants you is a huge aphrodisiac, which I don't know if you've seen the show Heated Rivalry.

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:43:31):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:31):

... who are archrivals-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:43:33):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:33):

... who fall crazy, madly, obsessively, in love with each other.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:43:38):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:38):

I binge-watched it with my husband.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:43:40):

Love that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:40):

Never in a million years did I think a television series about two male hockey players falling in love and having sex would be one of the biggest turn-ons ever. Like, it's helped my sex life so much-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:43:55):

Yes, me too.

 

Mel Robbins (00:43:55):

Watching heated rivalry. I'm like why? And I was really thinking about this because I think it was observing the just desire- Exactly. ... on your knees. Take your pants off. And after 30 years of marriage watching this show, I'm like, oh my God, I remember that. Exactly. Chris? Exactly. Why, why, why does that happen? Yeah. Like what was happening in that? 'Cause if you had the same experience-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:44:26):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:44:26):

... I'm sure it is enlivening the sex lives of millions of heterosexual women, but why?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:44:33):

Yes, exactly. I mean, that's what's fascinating is that the main viewership of that show are heterosexual millennial women. It's a hit for heterosexual women because that show taps into our fundamental need for desire, right? If you look at those two male hockey players, it's not just about the physical sex that they're having, although to be fair-

 

Mel Robbins (00:45:00):

It's hot.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:45:00):

... it's hot, but it's also just exploding with the tension between them, them wanting to connect with each other, have sex with each other, falling in love with each other, but feeling restrained- Mm. ... from doing so. And I think it really speaks to the fact that, you know, first of all, desire and passion in romance, it's one of America's top sexual fantasies, and it feeds into this very core human motivation to want to feel wanted. We all want to feel like our partner desires us. And it's also pointing into something else really fascinating about human sexuality, which is that a lot of times, the things that we fantasize about, or the things that we can watch and get turned on by don't necessarily line up with what we want in real life. It's because we are designed as human beings to be creative in our desires and to place ourselves into imaginary situations that allow us to open ourselves to fantasies and desires and emotional states that are core to our level of wanting, but that don't translate into the details of what we want to do in real life.

 

(00:46:27):

In heated rivalry, there's this sense of egalitarianism. They're both rich. They're both hot. They're both star hockey players. And so seeing them together, seeing them navigate a relationship where they both have equal power, it's, you know, not a man dominating a woman. It's not a woman experiencing the need and the desire which we're used to seeing. It's showing men express that desire and longing and wanting. We don't normally get to see that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:02):

Well, that makes perfect sense because inside each and every one of us is this innate want to be desired.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:47:10):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:11):

And when you see people devouring each other like that and the intimacy building and the connection building, it reminds you that you want that too in your life.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:47:21):

Exactly. We all fundamentally want that in our life. Hated rivalry isn't just about the actual physical sex scenes, it's about that dimension of wanting. So I think for a lot of women seeing that show up in men, they relate to the wanting, but also seeing that it's something that's a universal emotion, a fundamental need, not just a gendered behavior is pretty activating sexually and mentally to a lot of us.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:55):

Um, Dr. McNichols, you have another myth about sex, which is that this belief that your i- sexual identity should be fixed, that it's crystal clear to you, and that

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:48:12):

Yes. So we now know from so much research, um, Siri Van Anders, Lisa Diamond, so many incredible researchers in this field that show how fluid sexuality can be and how multidimensional, right? Meaning that sometimes the, you know, sexual orientation that you start out having stays consistent throughout your life, but a lot of times it evolves, right? A lot of times you may not be totally sure who you're attracted to and you kind of discover it later on in, you know, adulthood or through college years. You know, there's, you know, especially so much stigma, particularly towards people who identify as bisexual, right? Because the bisexual community in general, you know, is faced with this idea of, oh, you're just weird, you haven't decided yet what you are, you're just on a pathway to being gay, but the reality is that a lot of people are attracted to more than one gender, and that's okay.

 

(00:49:15):

And in fact, when you look at, you know, women who identify as bisexual, they tend to have that not as, like, just this phase that they go through- Mm. ... and then later on become gay or straight, but it actually tends to be more often the case that they transition towards being bisexual.

 

(00:49:34):

Hmm. You know, and that's important to point out because 23% of Gen Z nowadays identifies under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, and of that group, 80% identifies bisexual. So I think that, you know, it's time that we celebrate that fluidity, that multidimensionality. That doesn't mean that you're secretly hiding your real sexual orientation, it just means that we're complex and sometimes what we enjoy in our imagination is just what makes us uniquely human, and sometimes it doesn't translate into what we want in real life. So it's multidimensional, and it just also depends on the particular domain, fantasy, imagination, you know, what you actually want in real life. It can vary acro- across those contexts as well.

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:21):

I love that answer and that context and framing because it just makes you feel normal.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:50:28):

Yep.

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:28):

And it helps you put the fantasies or the things that turn you on into context of just the importance of desire and pleasure in general in your life. Yes, exactly. So helpful. Um, a final myth that you talk about related to sex is that if you are into non-traditional sexual activities or kink or whatever else, that it's weird or it's unhealthy or there's something wrong with you.

(00:52:17):

And that can actually be a healing thing. I want to normalize people having all different forms of sexual expressions and interests. And look, kink is something that more and more people are getting into, but again, because of the media that they see, they don't understand that it involves consent. It involves having conversations ahead of time about what you're into, what you're not into, what you wanna feel, what your safe word is. And so I want to be able to normalize that because, I mean, here's the reality, Mel, is that those lessons that we often learn from the c- community in terms of consent and communication throughout the whole experience, they're not just relevant to people who are practicing kink, they actually can help all of us. Really, it really models how consent and that ongoing checking in with a partner throughout the whole experience can make sex better.

 

(00:53:16):

It can make it hotter. It can add that excitement and that, and desire and that thrill. So I feel like by showing them, you know, I'm normalizing something that somebody in the audience, many are probably thinking, "Okay, wow, I've always fantasized about that and I thought I was weird or broken or wrong and we're talking about this in a really open way."

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:37):

Dr. McNichols, can you talk to us about the clitoris?

Mel Robbins (00:53:45):

Absolutely.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:53:46):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:46):

Let's go there, Dr. McNichols. Here we go. Let's do it. And if you're listening, um, and you're not watching on YouTube ... You, you have picked up ... This is, this is like a stuffed toy. What is that?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:53:59):

This is my lovely, stuffed, plushy, clitoris and bulva that shows the external structures as well as the internal structure.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:11):

It looks like a purple-y clam almost. It does. With like a little baby in the middle of the clam. We're wearing like a hooded towel.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:54:23):

It's cute. Exactly. Oh my gosh. So I'm holding my stuffed clitoris. What I'm going to point to first is what you, Mel, pointed out as what looks like

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:33):

A little baby head.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:54:34):

A little baby head. And this is at the top of the vulva. And just to orient you, on the outside, it has what are known as the outer lips of the vagina, which are the labia majora.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:47):

Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:54:48):

And then we have inside, we have the inner labia, which are the labia minora.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:54):

Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:54:55):

Before we go any further, the inner labia are really critically important because they have tons of nerve endings in them.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:03):

They do?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:55:03):

They do tons of nerve endings that are really related to sexual pleasure. Huh. And so people do what I call gun it for the clit in the beginning of sexual pleasure. You do not want to gun it for the clit, because the clit starting out is going to be very sensitive.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:20):

Sensitive, yeah.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:55:21):

Yeah. And it's not gonna feel good if you kind of just immediately go there and touch it. See, the trick is you need to, first of all, embrace the idea that the full body is an erogenous zone, right? I mean, it's, feels good to be touched everywhere, but then you wanna kind of warm up around the outer labia, which has nerve endings, and then these inner labia. Now, I need to also mention something critical about the inner labia. People don't realize how important these are for sexual pleasure, and yet, in porn, we see totally unrealistic portrayals of what they look like. People are literally going into a surgeon and having their inner labia shortened because they think it'll make it look tidier and neater according to what they see.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:08):

Oh my God. Uh, well, you can't even see down there, so I don't know why you'd be doing that-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:11):

I know. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:12):

Unless you're very bendy. But-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:13):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:13):

I just wanna make sure you're listening. Like, just imagine it's the outer lips, it's just-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:19):

Exactly. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:19):

That's little or depending upon your body, just the, the ones that aren't so big on the outside-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:25):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:26):

That are on the inside that you're talking about. So when you move up to the top-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:30):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:31):

of the anatomy-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:32):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:33):

Now we have the part that I described like a little baby head in there nestled in, but it's, that's the clitoris.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:40):

That is the, that is the external portion of the clitoris, right? External. External portion. And I think this is fascinating. It originates from the exact same embryonic tissue as the glands of the penis head.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:52):

It does?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:56:53):

It does. Which, if you think about it, means that by ignoring the clitoris for decades, we were essentially ignoring the equivalent of the glands of the penis, and it develops from the same tissue as the glands of the penis, meaning it is just as critical to pleasure as the head of the penis. So this part is critical, do not lose sight of that. And then, Mel, there's also a very important place right between the vulva and the entrance to the anus that's kind of like a flat piece of skin that can be incredibly sensitive and responsive to erotic touch. So, you know, we kind of fall into this trap of thinking it's just about the clitoris or it's just about the head of the penis, but all of these places can be incredibly sensitive and feed into a lot of pleasure. It's just a question about experimenting and finding what feels right to you and for your partner.

 

(00:57:54):

But here's the thing, Mel, is that you might be thinking this, uh, you might be listening to this episode thinking, "Okay, clitoris. Got it. Underneath the clitoral hood, check. I know where that is. " But what many people don't know is that, and what was discovered in 2005, as I turn around my stock-

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:11):

What the hell is that? Like, I don't even know to describe what the hell that is.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:58:14):

These are the internal portions of the clitoris. These are incredibly important-

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:20):

Okay, so let me just make sure I'm following this. Yes. So first, Dr. McNichols, you said, "Don't just go right for the clitoris. There's the androgynous jo- zone all around the outside."

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:58:32):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:33):

Pay attention to all of that. Warm things up. Exactly. And then when you go to the actual clitoris, which is at the top-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:58:41):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:42):

Of the female anatomy-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:58:44):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:58:44):

Right? That it's made from the same tissue that a penis would form from. Yes. And so it has the ability to swell and become erect when stimulated. You've now turned around the little stuffed clitoris ... And now all of a sudden, you've got these, like, I don't even know what to describe that.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:07):

It's, has these external wishbone structures, right, that are extending six to eight inches down-

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:15):

What? ...

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:15):

Inside your body.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:16):

Inside your- Yes. Yes. Wait, the, when it swells-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:18):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:19):

It's six to eight inches into your body?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:22):

Yes, exactly. It's a lot longer than people realize.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:25):

Because you only see, like, a little bit-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:27):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:27):

Even when it wwells.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (00:59:28):

Yes, exactly. That's incredible. It's incredible. And so what we're looking at here are the outside structures, which are the cura, and then we have within the cura, the vestibular bulbs, which are another sort of inner wishbone structure. Now, these are both going to fill with blood and become aroused and erect during sexual arousal. Okay. So you might be thinking, "All right, well, that's fascinating. I, the clitoris has internal structures, but what does that mean for pledge Sure. It means that if we think about pleasuring the clitoris, right, we've got the glands, the outside portion, but then if we're thinking about what feels good from a penetrative standpoint, we want to be able to penetrate these internal structures. In other words, if you're watching this, if you're sticking your fingers about two to three inches inside the vagina and stimulating the upper wall, two to three inches inside, you're going to be hitting against these internal structures of the clitoris.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:37):

Oh, so it's not just swelling outward, it's swelling inward.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:00:41):

Yes, exactly. Oh. It's because all of this is inside the body, right? This is wrapping around the vagina. So-

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:51):

Wow. ...

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:00:51):

You've stuck your fing-

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:52):

Nobody's ever explained this to me before.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:00:53):

I know. It's, it's critical. It's, it's critical about anatomy.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:57):

What is the most common question that you get when you start talking about the clitoris and the anatomy of a woman?

Mel Robbins (01:01:27):

That literally for a woman, right after you enter the vagina, it's just a short amount of space- It is. ... right inside that is swelling-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:01:35):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:01:36):

... where all of those nerve endings are.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:01:39):

Exactly. And so, again, so this is the vagina where this clitoris is wrapping around internally. If you are, you know, again, sticking your two fingers, anything- Okay. ... inside this, right? Okay. Where, you know, man, woman, whoever you are, and you're stimulating the top part-

 

Mel Robbins (01:01:56):

And Dr. McNichols- Yes. ... is literally sticking her two fingers out.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:00):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:00):

And you're now, like, lifting up.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:02):

Exactly. The way I describe it to my students, it's kind of like the Spider-Man technique.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:07):

Like- Oh, you're gonna spray. You're gonna,

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:10):

You're right, like this, and then you're kinda going like that. Like a waiting-

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:14):

Okay,

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:14):

Because she's making like a come. A come hither motion. Come here, because that's kind of sexy. It's not like come over here, it's come hit.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:21):

Yeah, you're like stroking it like Spider-Man.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:23):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:23):

Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:24):

Exactly. And so, you know, we used to think of this as the G-spot, right? And-

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:29):

Oh, that, see, I thought the G-spot was, like, way up top somewhere. Yeah.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:33):

No.

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:33):

Like always searching for it.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:02:34):

Exactly. It's right there. It's right there. What? It's just two to inch. It's ... And so most people are like, "Well, I don't have a G-spot." And they're, they're searching too far deeply into the vagina because the reality is that it's exactly, it's just two to three inches there. Wow. And it, it feels a little bit different than the other tissue in the vagina. The texture of it is a bit closer to a walnut as opposed to being smooth,

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:59):

Like- Wow. Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:03:00):

Yeah. Almost like the backside of cardboard, you know how that's bumpy?

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:03):

Yeah.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:03:03):

Like if you just put your fingers over that.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:05):

Gotcha. Right?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:03:06):

Okay. So the G spot actually has a long, fascinating political history behind it because, you know, Freud used to believe and tell all of us that vaginal orgasms, which were the kind that you had, you know, with penetration, a penis, were more mature than clitoral orgasms. Essentially, what this was suggesting is that women who had orgasms on their own, a. K.a. Masturbating, were not as emotionally evolved as people who are having orgasms with a partner, right?

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:42):

Yeah. And you just, you just taught us that only 18% of women- Yes. ... can have an orgasm-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:03:45):

Exactly. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:46):

When there is something inserted into her.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:03:48):

Exactly. So, I mean, essentially, Freud was saying that 82% of us are immature simply because we can't have the kind of sex that requires a man, which if you think about it, is really kind of appalling. But here's what's fascinating is that when it, you know, for a person who is having an orgasm from internal stimulation, it's usually because it's stimulating what we now call, it's not some sort of magical spot the way we used to think- Mm. ... like the, the G-spot, it's, we call it the clitourethral vaginal complex.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:25):

That's way too long. Clitoral urethral vaginal complex.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:04:28):

Yes, close enough. Okay. Very good. And the idea is that all these structures are related. In other words, when you're having an orgasm from internal stimulation, you're still having a clitoral orgasm. It's just stimulating the clitoris from inside.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:45):

Okay. Hold on. I just wanna make sure I just caught this. So when a woman is having an orgasm-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:04:51):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:53):

Whether it's because a penis or another object is inside of her, or she's having an orgasm because somebody is using the Spider-Man two-finger kind of come hither wave technique-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:05:07):

Yeah. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:07):

Just two inches in, or she's having an orgasm because you are stimulating the outer, the inner and the clitoral area. Whenever a woman is having an orgasm, the clitoris is the thing that is pulsing. Is that right?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:05:23):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:23):

Why did I not know that? I always thought if you're inside me, then the orgasm is actually coming from somewhere else. Right. You're basically saying any of the stimulation is just to get the clitoris to go.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:05:36):

Exactly. Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:37):

Oh my God.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:05:38):

Yeah. And when we f-

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:39):

Why did I not know that until I was 57 years old? That's biz- like, what?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:05:44):

Because we're women and our sexuality has historically been sidelined and viewed as unimportant because if it's not tied to reproduction, who cares? Scientists have actually put women inside MRI machines and looked at what's happening in their bodies during orgasm and-

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:02):

I'm trying not to imagine what that research study looks like, by the way.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:06:07):

It's amazing that we even have this. And whether it's stimulated from the external portion of the clitoris, the inter- vaginally, just through fantasy alone- Yeah. ... some people can even have an orgasm just from fantasy alone, it involves the exact same sequence of contractions of what we call the orgasmic platform, which are all of the muscles that are tied into orgasm. One of the most important ones is the pubococcus Igus muscle, and don't worry, that took me several years to pronounce. Okay, keep going. Otherwise known as the pelvic floor.

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:42):

Oh.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:06:42):

Right?

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:42):

So- That, that's the technical name of the pelvic floor?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:06:45):

Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's, you know, essentially the same thing that you can strengthen by doing kegel exercises. And I'm sure most people m- might know, but in case you don't know what a kegel exercise is, it's that contraction of muscles that you do when you're trying to stop the flow of urine.

 

Mel Robbins (01:07:04):

Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:07:05):

Right? And so the idea is that if you do a certain set of those, right, a couple times a day, that, that will strengthen your pelvic floor and actually can lead to more intense orgasms. And the beauty- Does that work? The, it, I think it does, right? And I think it's incredibly important, especially for women who are menopausal or postmenopausal when that tissue, you know, or after childbirth, when that- mm-hmm. ... tissue can get stretched out. Now, I do wanna point out there are certain women who have a very tight pelvic floor already who don't wanna do that exercise, but for most people, it can be really helpful. Um, but yes, what it's, it's the same contraction of muscles. So this idea, you know, I mean, I remember sitting around with girlfriends in college and thinking, "Well, you know, I can have a clival stimulation, but I, I can't have one from vaginal sex." And, you know, just thinking that it was some holy grail of a different type of orgasm, it's not.

 

(01:08:01):

We see blood flow to slightly different areas, but the contraction of muscles in those two dif- different types of orgasms is totally equivalent. So you are not missing out if you- I,

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:12):

I find that those facts to be liberating.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:08:15):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:15):

And very empowering.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:08:17):

Yes. And that is my absolute goal with teaching people about this, is that you are not missing out on some holy grail of orgasms if you can't have a orgasm just simply from penetrative sex alone.

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:33):

Well, it makes perfect sense-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:08:34):

Yeah. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:34):

Because the orgasm is mechanically the same thing as happening-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:08:39):

Yes. Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:08:39):

Regardless of what produced it. Um, Dr. McNichols, we have a bunch of listener questions. Yes. And I wanna start with one from Karen who's 56 years old and she writes in,

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:09:03):

It absolutely can be menopause. That sounds like menopause to me, and we are in a fabulous time right now where there has been so much more awareness brought to the impact of perimenopause and menopause. You know, it's a time when, look, levels of progesterone and estrogen are rapidly declining, and that's going to have the effect on the vagina of making lubrication harder. There can be atrophy of the vaginal walls, and yes, that can lead to sexual pain, but sex should not be painful, right? It should absolutely never be something that you're just suffering through. And so I think it's amazing that we now have, you know, the black bottle warning from HRT therapy removed, that people, you know, are taking different types of hormones. You know, I, I personally will say that I take it has been transformative in my own life, taking estrogen and progesterone.

 

(01:10:05):

Testosterone therapy has also been really revolutionary for women. We don't know that we have testosterone in our bodies, and actually we lose it dramatically during menopause. And by introducing just small amounts of it to get it back to where it was in our 30s and 40s, can have a huge effect on our sex drive. So I, you know, wanna be careful because I'm not, uh, I, I'm not a doc- I'm not a doctor. I'm not a medical provider. I can just speak from my experience and from what I've read, you know, myself, which is that it can absolutely be hugely helpful, as can things like estrogen creams, which can simply be applied directly to the vagina.

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:44):

So if you're in menopause-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:10:45):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:46):

And you're going through hormonal changes or perimenopause-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:10:48):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:10:49):

And you're experiencing dryness. Other than HRT, what, is there anything else like use lube, this is your body? Okay.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:10:56):

Yes, exactly. So there are so many beautiful types of organic, flavored name your, your, what you like kind of lube that we should all be having and displaying beautifully at our nightstands, right? And it's, you know, it's, uh, just, we've come so far in the types of lube that are available, um, that can be wonderful, right? And aren't, don't have to be messy and can be fun to use and can really just make sex. You know, in general, I tell people, the wetter, the better. So the more lubrication you can have down there, the better off you're going to be. Um, and estrogen creams too, right, that can really help to rebuild the tissue, you know, around the vulva can be helpful. When we talk about menopause and we talk about perimenopause, I wanna also just bring up that obviously, as thrilled as I am for those conversations, I don't want women to lose sight of the fact that there are other very real things happening in your sex life that could be influencing your desire, right?

 

(01:12:05):

So for example, if you are feeling, you know, stressed out and exhausted and overwhelmed and taking care of everybody else's needs, right, when we look at all the variables impacting women, that can have just as much of an effect on lowering your level of desire as can the hormones and equally needs to be addressed, right? Whether it is through having conversations with your partner about perhaps how to rearrange different divisions of labor in the household, right? The more you have a partner that can lean in and help you to, you know, feel like you are achieving your dreams and that you are able to have support where you need it. And, you know, even, you know, I tell people, I don't think mystery is the secret to keeping passion alive. I think it's gratitude. I think it's really being able to appreciate all that our partners do to, you know, help us, help our families, that the ways that they lean in, right?

 

(01:13:20):

Because so often it can be sort of these hidden culprits in your relationship, these tiny resentments that can start to grow if you feel like you're not appreciated, or if you feel like you're just simply not seen or not heard in your relationship. And we need to understand everything and be interested in everything about our partner, you know, not just what they did that day, but what they want, what they're interested in, what they're worried about, what their insecurities are, what the details are of the hobby that they're really into, what the details are of the work that they're working on. Because the more that we can see in relationships, the more we feel connected and see each other, the more we feel heard, the more gratitude we express, that is going to be a pathway, I think, into that desire that we all crave that really sets the tone for a healthy sex life.

 

Mel Robbins (01:14:19):

So when you say gratitude-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:14:21):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:14:22):

... are you talking to our spouse that they need to be more grateful for us because I, you know, like when you hear it and you're also the mom and the wife, and you're taking care of everything, and you're exhausted, and your hormones are all over the place, and, and, and, and, and, and, and you're last on your list, feeling grateful for your partner do- is like, "Are you kidding me? " Don't they need to be grateful for me so that I- Exactly. ... wanna have sex with you? Exactly. So talk to me about this gratitude piece.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:14:53):

I hope that you are listening to this with your partner because I want you to both experience gratitude, but yes, I think especially for women who are in relationships where you are working to manage everybody else's needs, maybe you have a career as well on top of that, you are, you know, thinking about the kid's parent-teacher conference that's coming up or the dog that ate the cranset last night and it's your, you know, now you've got to call the vet and figure out exactly what's going on. There's so many responsibilities, you're doing so much and to the extent that your partner, right, your husband or whoever you are with can lean in and recognize that, right? Really understand just the enormous amounts of emotional and invisible labor that you are undertaking, that is a huge aphrodisiac. That is going to help you feel needed, feel seen, feel appreciated, right?

 

(01:16:03):

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, gratitude does. We need to be appreciating all that our partners are doing. And yes, of course, this goes in the other direction, right? Understanding that the men in our lives or our partners are also doing so much, are under a lot of stress, or maybe don't have the ways to find the support that they need because of this culture we live in that underprioritizes being able to take, you know, give proper attention to men's feelings and insecurities, right? He might be feeling a sense of anxiety about things that would really help him to feel more connected to you too, if he could talk about it. But the most important thing is to feel like your needs are being recognized that the amount you are doing is appreciated because when we feel appreciated, we feel seen. And when we feel seen, that turns on our desire.

 

Mel Robbins (01:17:09):

Uh, our next question is from Maya, 41, Chicago.

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:17:29):

So being newly single, I just wanna really normalize that. It can be a scary time, right? Whether you are young and still navigating sex and dating culture in your 20s or if you're in your 40s or 50s and newly single after being divorced or, you know, it can feel scary being with a new sexual partner, right? Whether it's been many, many years or if it's just an ongoing part of your life. And so understanding that when you show up sexually, first of all, with a person, again, it's having this growth mindset. You shouldn't just be assuming that the sex you're gonna be having is gonna have to instantly out of the gate be absolutely perfect. It's letting go of these ideas of perfection and normalizing, you know, maybe you feel a little bit different in your body. It's going to take a little bit of time to get back.

 

(01:18:27):

But in terms of this anxiety around casual sex and dating culture, I wanna speak to that specifically because we are in now, you know, I described to my students as a culture of chill. It's literally a time when it is very cool to not have ... You don't want to catch feelings, quote unquote, right? We don't wanna come across as being needy or as codependent, right? We have all of this language around what is a very basic human need, which is to simply be made to feel like our needs matter. And so when you're looking at casual sex and hookup culture in general, right, it helps to first know that it is possible to have wonderful casual sex experiences, right? It is possible, you know, when we look at the literature, you know, we, we do see that absolutely, in fact, if you're even just looking at, you know, younger people where the majority of casual sex research has been performed on, that, you know, there are about a third of people who report having great casual sex, about a third who report that it's meh, kind of good, kind of bad, meaning they felt it was exciting, it was pleasurable, but they just kind of felt maybe a little disappointed in themselves or they felt a little bit, you know, not great about the whole experience.

 

(01:19:56):

It felt maybe a little empty and disconnected. And then there's a whole third of people who felt like it just was a really crummy experience. Look, I think like a quarter of 40 year olds I just read are now single and, you know, if we look at, you know, the average age of marriage, it's 31, we have a lot of people in the population who are trying to navigate singlehood and casual sex and may not be ready for a long-term relationship. And so the question becomes, can we look to the data and try to understand what predicts a really positive, pleasurable, exciting sexual experience versus one that leaves you feeling empty and maybe a little bit shook, right? And what we find is, you know, a couple of interesting things. First of all, it really largely boils down to motivation. You know, in other words, if you are looking at the sexual experience and coming from a place where you want excitement and it's adventure and it would feel good and to be pleasurable and that's sort of the thrill of the chase and it seems exciting, you are probably more likely to have a positive experience.

 

(01:21:07):

We tend to have more negative casual sex experiences when you're doing it because you're secretly hoping it's gonna lead to more, but you don't quite know how to ask for that, right? And again, because we live in this culture, it makes you feel like you're needy if you ask ahead of time, you know, I'm not quite sure where things stand, you know, can you let me know? Or, I can't quite tell what you want. You know, I'm really into you. This is really exciting. I love spending time with you. I'm really attracted to you, but I'm not that into casual sex. So is it any, you know, can we have a conversation about kind of where we are, right? Versus, you know, also normalizing phrases like, "Are you okay if this is just for fun, right? Are you okay if this is just about a night of excitement, right?" It, in other words, part of the problem is that because we put so much shame on casual sex experiences, we need to feel like we need to hide our motivation if that's really what we're looking for.

 

(01:22:10):

And by acknowledging that sex can be satisfying in a variety of contexts, what we're really doing is empowering people to say, "Know what you want, right? Go after what you want. Are you the kind of person that feels like casual sex could be fun, that maybe, you know, while you're single and exploring your sexuality again and maybe looking for excitement that it could be something that's pleasurable, great, right? Don't feel shy about having it, right? Make sure that you find a partner who is, you know, emotionally there and mature and that who you really connect with, you know, or is casual sex just something that you know in the back of your head is not right for you, right? Some of us are just not wired to be having unattached, casual sex, and that is also very okay, right? You're not, you're not sex positive if you don't like hooking up.

 

(01:23:07):

You're not empowered if you don't like hooking up. You're not confident if you don't like hooking up. You just aren't why ... It's okay, right? So it's just about normalizing this and giving people the tools to know what they want so that you can go out and choose and only agree to the sexual experiences that truly make you happy.

 

Mel Robbins (01:23:31):

What I love about the question you just gave us, are you okay if this is just for fun tonight? Yeah. Is that before you ask it of the other person, you should ask it of yourself.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:23:40):

Yes, exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:23:41):

'Cause I do think we gaslight ourselves, women in particular, into believing that if I go along with the casual sex, if I drink and I'm down to you know what, that somehow that's gonna lead to something meaningful and long-term. Right. Now, in the research, is there any breakdown in terms of men versus women?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:24:04):

There are some gender differences, but they're not nearly as extreme as what the media portrays them to be. Mm.

(01:24:57):

And that does a couple of things because if you're in that position, you'll feel better asking for what it is that brings you pleasure. So in other words, if you are having an orgasm, if it's truly pleasurable, it's more likely to be a positive experience for you. I don't want to underemphasize or dismiss the fact that, yes, a sexual double standard still exists. Women are going to be judged more harshly. It's also more dangerous because they're physically smaller on average, for sure. Casual sex does, for that reason, carry more risks, but I think that, you know, I mean, in terms of emotional intimacy, yes, there is data showing that for women, especially when there is emotional intimacy, they tend to be more likely to enjoy sex and to have orgasms.

 

Mel Robbins (01:25:49):

Here's another listener question.

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:26:03):

I mean, isn't that the fundamental challenge? And I, I can really relate to this. You know, I've got two teenagers and 11-year-old, and I remember, especially when they were a lot younger, it's exhausting. It's hard to carve out time where it's just the two of you. And yeah, the scheduling sex and the date night, it just feels like such tired advice, right? The first thing I wanna say though is that your kids deserve to have parents that have a healthy sex life because like we talked about in the beginning of this podcast, sex and pleasure are critical for your wellbeing. The more that you can prioritize pleasure in your lives, the more sense of joy and connection that you can model towards each other, the better parents you're going to be, right? I think a big struggle parents have is that they just don't understand how important this aspect of their life is, not just to the relationship, but to their own wellbeing.

 

(01:27:07):

And so, yeah, it does mean figuring out not just a date night, but again, this intimacy date where you're finding what is the emotional state that I need to get into in order to feel turned on for sex. How do I like you to initiate? How do I like you to talk to me before we have sex? Are there ways that we can set the mood ahead of time? Should we be experimenting because if we're looking forward to a different type of novelty, then it could be something that kind of piques our interest and gets us excited and makes us pay attention to the moment more, right? So if you're having these conversations and engaging in the non-sexual physical touch and setting a t- a part-time when you can connect, it will happen, right? It will absolutely be something that you can just simply close the door at night and know that you're actually doing a service to your kids by showing them that mom and dad have an area in their life that is just about each other, that's just about their own relationship, their own connection, that the kids are, yes, critically important, but they don't always have to be the absolute center of your life 24 hours a day, 60 minutes out of every hour.

 

(01:28:31):

You can take 30 minutes for just the two of you and close the door and they will be okay. They will be better off for it and you'll be a happier person and better parent.

 

Mel Robbins (01:28:41):

I love that. You know, one of the things that changed my sex life with Chris was when we started having sex before-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:28:49):

Yes. ...

 

Mel Robbins (01:28:49):

We went out because I always felt bloated or a little drunk or whatever- Yep. ... when we, you know, came back from a date night. Um, and then I didn't want to, but if you have a babysitter or a sister or friend coming over anyway to watch the kids- Have them come an hour- Have them come late. ... an hour early and be like, "Okay, great. We're gonna go get ready." Yes. And then you're having secret sex- Exactly. ... which is pretty hot. Very hot. And then you have it before you feel bloated after the meal and-

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:29:16):

Yes. And if you're a parent and have a million responsibilities, not only are you full and bloated and a little bit drunk when you get home and not as able to experience pleasure, you're also exhausted. I mean, you started out tired after that night, you're gonna be really tired. So yes, have the babysitter come an hour earlier and enjoy it then.

 

Mel Robbins (01:29:41):

I love that. But I love the larger context that you deserve pleasure in your life.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:29:46):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:29:46):

And it makes your whole life better.

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:30:12):

This is so incredibly common and there's so much research coming out just about, first of all, how much body image can get in the way of our ability to enjoy sex. It really can, as this listener is describing, bring you out of your head. Start judging yourself from a third party perspective during sex where you're thinking about, "Oh my God, you know, my stomach, my thighs. Oh, God, what do I look like from this angle?" And this is not being helped by the media, which is showing us, again, totally unrealistic, airbrushed, AI-generated images of bodies that are not attainable for 99.99% of us. Um, and it's just creating a level of insecurity and anxiety that is literally activating the exact parts of your brain that need to quiet in order to enjoy sex. Mm.

 

(01:31:08):

So the question is what's the antidote? The most effective tool that you can develop to treat body image issues and their impact on your sex life is to develop a sense of sexual mindfulness. It is a practice that is similar to other types of mindfulness that you might practice in the rest of your life, but it literally means during sex, bringing attention back to your breath, bringing attention back to the sensations that are in your body, looking and focusing on exactly the sexual cues that are emanating from your partner and allowing those to guide the sexual experience. Now, just like when somebody tries to meditate, it's going to be natural while you're trying to do that for these ideas of, "Oh my God, what does my stomach look like? " Or, "What do I look like from this angle?" That's natural. Just notice those thoughts and allow them to pass out of your brain, right?

 

(01:32:17):

Because the reality is that the person you're having sex with, they're psyched to be there, right? They're not sitting there judging what you look like. And the reality is that you don't need to have a perfect body. You do not need to be hairless to or have perfectly sized genitals to have incredible sex. I think it's, it's hard to tell people, you know, and this is where I think the body positivity movement has been both helpful, but also let us astray a little bit in that sometimes it's not gonna feel realistic to think, "I love my body," right? "I, I love my body. I love how I look. "But I think for some woman, that's just sort of not really realistic expectation. But if you look in front of the mirror, right, and you're standing there naked, you can probably find a part of yourself that you do love.

 

(01:33:14):

Maybe it's your collarbone, maybe it's your lips, maybe it's your eyes, maybe it's your hair, your legs, right? Your butt. And just focus on that, right? You know, I remember after each of my pregnancies, right, I gained, like, 70 pounds for each one and your body is just fundamentally different after having kids. But for me, I know what was really helpful was instead of focusing on, " Oh my gosh, my belly, I have a pooch now and I'm heavier, "my body had just done something incredible. It had just produced a life, right? If we can start appreciating our bodies for what they do for us, they get us to the places we want to go, they allow us to live the lives that we do, like you start to have more of an appreciation for your body beyond just how it looks. You are desirable exactly the way you are.

 

(01:34:10):

Your body, your genitals don't need to be perfect. It is just a question of practicing mindfulness, being at home in your body, noticing those things when they get in your way, and just bringing your sensations back home where they belong.

 

Mel Robbins (01:34:25):

Maybe this is too pragmatic of a way to look at this, but one of the things that you've really also taught us, Dr. McNichols, is that the parts of your body that give you pleasure, they work no matter what you weigh. Yes. They work regardless of what's hanging or shaking or that you don't like. And that those parts deserve to get some attention. Exactly. Exactly. You know, so there's also this, like, focusing on 99% of your body that you hate. You got 1% that's still gonna give you an orgasm. Yeah. So give that part of your body a little bit of attention crying out loud.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:35:03):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (01:35:04):

Amen. Dr. McNichols, what are your parting words?

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:35:07):

Own your pleasure and own your fundamental right as a human being to enjoy a healthy sex life and the physical connection and psychological wellbeing that brings with it.

 

Mel Robbins (01:35:18):

Dr. McNichols, thank you, thank you, thank you for hopping on a plane and flying across country and really teaching us and empowering us about this fundamental aspect of improving our lives, which is really seeing the critical role that pleasure plays in your life and teaching us ways that we can be in control of having more pleasure. The book is You Could Be Having Better Sex. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for teaching us how to have better sex.

 

Dr. Nicole McNichols (01:35:52):

Thank you, Mal. This was such an enjoyable time. I really appreciate it.

 

Mel Robbins (01:35:56):

Well, I can't wait to hear what you do with this conversation, and so I just wanna thank you for spending time listening to or watching here on YouTube and learning about sex, learning about your body, learning about having a growth mindset related to sex. I am so excited. I cannot wait to listen to this with my husband, Chris. I can't wait for you to share this with people in your life, but mostly I'm just excited for you to experience more pleasure in your life because you deserve it and now you understand the critical benefits of it. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And what I'm convinced of because of Dr. McNichols is that pleasure is a very important part of your life getting better, and now you got the roadmap for experiencing more of it.

 

(01:36:49):

Alrighty, I will see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play. And thank you. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. Didn't you love Dr. McNichols? Oh my gosh, they did not teach a class like this when I was in college. I'm so glad that you watched all the way to the end. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. Thank you for sharing this with women in your life. Every one of us deserves this information, and I love how the conversation was all about pleasure and how it makes your life better. And one more thing. I know you're thinking, okay, Mel, shut up. What video should I watch next? First of all, I gotta say, if that subscribe button is lit up, hit it. Okay? Hit it, because that's one way that you can show me and my team that you really appreciate us bringing you these world-renowned experts for free.

 

(01:37:37):

It's free to subscribe, it's the best way to support us, and that way you're not gonna miss a thing. All right, next video, right here, and I will welcome you in the moment you hit play.