Episode: 401
Your Summer Reset for More Energy, Fun, & Happiness (Backed by Science)
a Solo Episode
This episode will help you hit reset on the rest of your year and make your life feel like yours again.
Today, Mel helps you pause, reconnect with yourself, and answer two powerful questions that can change how you experience the rest of the year.
This episode is your mid-year reset - and a hilarious, personal catch-up with Mel after 56 days on tour. She shares never-before-heard, behind-the-scenes stories from the road while answering the same questions alongside you.
You’ll take stock of what you’ve made it through, give yourself credit for the ways you keep showing up, and create something to look forward to.
Because life is not just work, bills, errands, caregiving, laundry, and getting through the day.
Life is meant to be lived.
If this year has felt like a blur, press play.
This episode will help you stop, take a breath, and reset - because if you change nothing, nothing changes.
Listen on:
Stop measuring your life by what you haven’t done yet. You are doing so much, and it’s time to give yourself credit.
Mel Robbins
All Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:00):
I'm so excited to be back with you. Today you and I are hitting the reset button together. We're reconnecting and we're answering two questions that are going to really make you feel better about where you are and where you're going. I did not want to jump right into another episode where you and I are talking about research and more ways to optimize or do this or do that. If you look back to the beginning of this year, what's something that you're really proud of that you either did or that you experienced or that happened this year? You can have multiple answers to this. In fact, I hope that you do because I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. And the second question I love, what are you looking forward to? What do you have coming up that you're really excited about? And if there's something there, just like savor it for a minute, you feel a little surge as you savor this thing that's out in the future.
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That's how you can tap into the power to lift yourself up right now.
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In life, it's so easy to have your mind be filled with dread, to look ahead at what's coming and to worry about it. You have the power to create something to look forward to no matter where you are right now. No matter what kind of year you have had so far, you have the power to reset the way you experience the rest of this year. Hey, it's Mel. And before we get into this episode, my team was showing me 57% of you who watched the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed yet. Could you do me a quick favor? Just hit subscribe so that you don't miss any of the episodes that we post here on YouTube. It lets me know you're enjoying the guests and the content that we're bringing you because I want to make sure you don't miss a thing and I'm so glad you're here for this episode because this is a really good one. All right, let's dive in.
Mel Robbins (00:01:52):
Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad you're here. It's an honor to spend this time together. If you're new or somebody shared this episode with you, I just want to start by personally welcoming you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. And today it's just you and me. And I have been so looking forward to this conversation with you because it's been a long time since you and I just hung out without experts, without somebody else, without a ton of things to do. And there's a lot that's happened in the last three months while I've been on tour that I've been wanting to share with you funny stories, a bunch of insights. And so I want you to think about our conversation today as if you and I are two friends just going on a walk and we're catching up.
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And I've asked you about your family and what's been going on for the last three months and you've filled me in and now it's my turn. And I'm going to fill you in because the fact is I just got home from being on tour and I cannot believe how much work it was. I know that sounds like it might not be surprising to you to hear that, but I think I was very naive about just how much work it was going to be to be on the road for three months and be in four different countries in front of almost a hundred thousand listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast traveling with almost a crew of 30 people from place to place to place. I often thought as we were working these 16 hour days, how the hell do musicians do this? I mean, honest to God, how do musicians have this schedule for a hundred to 200 days?
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I'm 57 years old. It nearly killed me. It was also one of the single most incredible experiences of my entire life. And isn't it true that a lot of the things that you look back on in your life and you say that was one of the highlights of my life, it had a lot of work and a lot of hard things about it. Maybe you didn't even know I was on tour, maybe you couldn't get a ticket. And so this is my way to just tell you what's been going on for the last three months. And I also am going to ask you during our conversation today, two questions. Now these are two questions that act like a reset. When you ask yourself these two questions, they force you to stop and to take a step back from your current life and to really look at what's happened, because let's face it, we're almost halfway through the year.
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And can you believe how much time has gone by? And I bet you have not stopped for a second and you want to know how I know you haven't stopped for a second because I know you're the kind of person that's busy doing a lot of stuff. You're taking care of a lot of people, you're going to work or you're going to school, you're trying to pay your bills, you're taking care of your dog, you're taking care of kids, you're taking care of your parents, you're taking care of the apartment that you live in, you're taking care of dishes, like so much going on that you might be in that mode where it's like the year is like a blur and you wake up and you're like, "Oh my God, how are we already here? This year is flying by." And so I want you to really take a pause and I'm going to ask you these two questions and I'm going to answer them as well because they act like a reset.
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They allow you to take a step out of your life and to see what's already transpired this year. That's the first question. And then the second one as you look forward so that you and I make sure that we don't just put our heads down and race through the second half of this year and then look up and go, "Oh my God, the year's over already. I didn't get to this, this, this, and this. " And don't worry, this is not a productivity conversation. There's nothing you need to do. This is not going to be hard. We're going to have a lot of fun as I ask you these two questions. Okay? Are you ready? I'm so excited for this.
Mel Robbins (00:05:44):
So the first question's a really important one and the question's this. If you look back to the beginning of this year, what's something that you're really proud of that you either did or that you experienced or that happened this year?
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I want you to take a step out of your life for a minute and think back, what are you really proud of? Because I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. I think you're so busy doing things in your life that you're not taking time to stop and pat yourself on the back for all the little things you're doing well, all of the little challenges you've overcome, all of the weight that you're carrying. And so that brings me to my answer to this question. What are you proud of that you've either done or experienced so far this year? The thing that I'm the most proud of isn't the tour itself. What I'm most proud of is before I went on tour, I was so freaking stressed about all the things that were going to go wrong about whether or not I was going to be able to manage the amount of work it was going to be, whether or not I'd be able to do that and perform and run the company and my therapist Anne Davin said to me, she said, "Mel, before you get on that plane, I need to tell you, you are in a very dangerous moment because if you get on that plane and you start this tour as stressed as you are right now, you are going to miss the entire thing.
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You are going to be so in your head and so just intense to make sure everything is right. And of course you can't guarantee that everything's going to go right, that you're going to miss one of the greatest experiences of your life." And it scared me. And so I said, "Okay, what should I do? " And she said, "You have to get so serious about how you're going to manage your sleep, how you're going to manage your emotions, how you're going to manage the food that you're eating, how you're going to manage taking care of yourself so that you can both move every other day to a new city, a new hotel, a new venue, a new this, all while managing all these people and get on a stage and perform in front of 9,000 people every night." And she was right and it scared the daylights out of me.
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And so I made a whole new schedule. I prioritized sleep. I got serious about eating really good food. I walked every single morning, regardless of what city we were in or I lifted weights. I really cut back way, way back on the alcohol and I had a laser focus on my emotions and it worked. And I got to tell you, the thing that I am so proud about that happened is for the three months that this tour was happening, I maybe snapped and was kind of bitchy only twice and in both cases I was exhausted and hungry. Do you have any idea how revolutionary it is that I could take on one of the most stressful things in my life, both good stress and like a lot of hard work stress and be in a state where I was present and I was calm and non-reactive and I was optimistic.
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I barely recognized myself. That's how different this was. And again, I know you're going to flood me with emails about, "Well, Mel, how did you do it? " I'm telling you before any reaction, let them just say let them and release control and then say, "Let me and choose your response." Because there were things that went wrong every single day and instead of allowing it to freak me out, I just rode the wave and that allowed me to have so much fun. I mean, half the stuff that I'm going to tell you about, I can remember because I was calm. I can remember because I managed my stress. I can remember because I actually took care of myself and that's why I enjoyed this so much, even though it was the hardest and most grueling amount of work that I've ever done in a three-month period of my entire life.
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And I'm 57 and that says a lot about how hard this was, but that's the thing I'm proud of. I wanted to share that with you to start off because it was a real revelation to me that you can have something really challenging going on and you can change how you show up to it. I have two very close friends who have parents who have both been diagnosed with something extremely scary. One is late stage Alzheimer's, the other is a stage four cancer diagnosis. And in life there will be things that happen that are out of your control. I mean, that's what life does. It knocks you on your ass. We can't control that, but I'm proud of the fact that I learned through this experience how to control my response and my stress levels regardless of what was going on around me. And I'm very proud of that.
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And I'm sharing it because if you're going through something stressful right now, whether it's something scary like my two close friends or maybe you're doing something that's exciting, you're starting a new job or you're planning a wedding or you just got into graduate school or you're moving or you're in a new relationship and it's really exciting, but there's that stressful excitement. You can really learn how to be serious about managing a response to all the things going on outside of you and that's the thing that I'm really proud of.
Mel Robbins (00:12:01):
And so now let me turn it back over to you. What are you proud of? And I want you to really think back to the beginning of the year and you may not even remember what you're proud of. In fact, Cameron, who is the producer that worked with the team and me on this episode, she asked her brother this question, "Hey, so what are you proud of that's happened this year?" He's like, "Nothing." And she's like, "What are you talking about?
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You got into a PhD program, dude." He had forgotten and it's so easy to do because you're so busy just getting through the day, you're busy going to work, you're busy going to school. So let's take a moment and I want you to really think about this. What are you proud of? Are you proud that you're expecting your first baby? Are you proud that you got into graduate school? Are you proud that that breakup didn't kill you? In fact, now that you're about 11 to 12 weeks through it, you're feeling a litle bit better, a little stronger, you know it's the right thing. Are you proud of the way that you managed your money? And I don't want you to wait for these giant things to pat yourself on the back. What's fascinating about life to me is that we tend to obsess over all the things that went wrong or all the things that we didn't do.
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At the end of the day, you tend to think about, "Oh my God, I didn't get this. I didn't get that. " And you don't celebrate all the little things you actually did do. I mean, you sent out a hundred emails, you answered the calls, you fed yourself, the dogs got walked, you did get a load of laundry done, you didn't pick up your phone and waste two hours. You actually read a book every single day there are little moments to be proud of. And I love this first question because it hits the brakes on life. What are you proud of that you've done this year so far or that you've experienced or that you are trying to do? What's something that you're proud of that you did today? Was it a hard conversation that you had? Maybe you picked up a bunch of extra work because you're helping out a colleague who just lost a loved one.
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Maybe you started therapy because every single day there's a little thing that you've done that you're proud of and it doesn't have to be some huge thing. It all counts all of it. They're all little wins. And this simple question, you can ask yourself this and we're doing it as a reset to think about what's already happened this year. What are you proud of? Because every time you name it, you are now patting yourself on the back and you're reminding yourself that yes, you have things that are worthy of celebrating. It starts with you. And let me go back to the thing that I shared with you. I'm so proud of myself for managing my stress and being present and being calm and really being intentional about taking care of myself so that I could be calm and present because I had a blast. I had an absolute blast and every step along the way there were funny things that happened and it made me realize it's hard to have fun when you're stressed out.
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It's hard to see the joy in something when you're constantly gripping the wheel of life.
Mel Robbins (00:15:16):
I'm going to tell you a couple stories. We got on the plane to get to our first stop, which was New Zealand and one of my members of the team, Lynn, is incredibly scared of flying and she went into the bathroom. It's like a 16-hour flight. We're flying over the ocean. And so she had this deep concern that we would not only die in a plane crash, but we would die in a plane crash and then she would somehow survive and be eaten by sharks. I mean, this is what your brain can do to you. So she comes out of the bathroom. She is wearing a shark themed, I don't even know what they're called, like onesie with a hood where you pulled the hood over. In fact, if we're watching on YouTube, there's a photo of her next to me.
(00:16:01):
You pull the hood over and it's all the shark teeth. She even had on shark slippers. She had glasses on that were the shark teeth and we were like, "Lynn, what are you doing?" And she just laughed and said, "Well, if we're going to go down and sharks are going to be around, I want them to see me and think I'm a shark." And so they go after you. I mean, that was the beginning of the trip, first flight. Second thing that happened that was really funny is traveling is stressful. Traveling internationally, way more stressful and different rules apply. And I know we have a ton of people that listen in New Zealand and Australia and I got permission to tell you this story because it features one of our incredibly talented videographers, editors and directors who is also in the room right now recording this.
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Shout out to David Faxon. Hello. So we are in New Zealand and we have to take a flight from Auckland to Brisbane, Brisbane to Sydney, Sydney to Melbourne. Now here's the thing, we are packing for three weeks on tour and it turns out, I did not know this, that Australia and New Zealand are very strict about the weight limit for the luggage. If you're here in the United States and you think about luggage and weight limits, you think, okay, if I'm going to have to pack for three weeks and bring all this equipment and also bring all these outfits to be able to be in different climates and to be on stage, you just pay extra, right? I mean, that's what you do. You bring an extra bag, you pay extra. That's not what you do in Australia and New Zealand, apparently. They're so strict that number one, you cannot pay extra.
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Number two, you can't just check extra bags to distribute the weight limit. It's literally by person. Faxon has packed his suitcase and this huge backpack, not only with all of his camera gear and all of the clothes that he needs for multiple different climates, but he has also decided because we're traveling for three weeks that he needs to bring journals and some books. In case when you're on tour, you might just have time to kick back and read some books. And he's already laughing. Are you hearing this, Faxon? I feel like we need to put him on a microphone because he's starting to chuckle and not just any books. You want to know what three hardcover books, facts and packed in his luggage to New Zealand and Australia, three Harry Potter hardcover books and here he comes. David, this is like 30 pounds alone.
David (00:18:47):
Very heavy. It's very heavy. It's a lot of journals. Well, this is us a screenplay. This is my journal to write my screenplay. These are Harry Potters. This is another journal. So two filmmaking books, Robert Rodriguez. He met once upon a time in Hollywood, a lot of books. I thought I would have the free time to finish,Harry Potter, read this Harry Potter, write a screenplay, didn't have the free time.
Mel Robbins (00:19:13):
Did you crack open a single book, on tour?
David (00:19:17):
No. The thing is because we were not able to just pay the fine for the luggage, I had to put a lot of these in my actual backpack, put my steady cam in my backpack. It was a complete disaster.
Mel Robbins (00:19:30):
Yeah. So here's the thing you got to see. So I'm the leader of the tour because I'm the CEO of this company. I am dragging everybody with me. So I'm both the mom and the CEO and you know how parents get when you're traveling and we roll up like a herd of turtles, everybody carrying all kinds of luggage, dragging it behind. You have your passports already. You got passports? And I'm just practicing, be present, be present. You're not responsible for anybody. They can get on a different plane, da da da da da da da da. All of a sudden we start hearing there's a weight requirement. There's a weight requirement. David's bags are heavy. I'm like, "Well, he's got equipment." And then David kind of looks at us sheepishly and he's like, "Well, it's not just equipment." We're like, "What's in your bag?" He had to then unpack his bag and now we see all of these books.
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He's like, "I got it. I got it. I'll figure it out. " So we go through security, he's figuring it out. We're waiting at the gate. We look up at the escalator coming down. Faxon is wearing his backpack and I don't know, you had maybe four jackets tied around your waist. Here we go. So he's got multiple jackets wrapped around his waist. In the other arm, he has Harry Potter books, three of them. The entire team is dying laughing and on top of it, he has a nightgown that he has bought at the airport, right?
David (00:20:59):
Yep, that Marcus told us about, but I couldn't put the nightgown in my luggage because of the weight limit. So I had to squeeze that into my backpack as well. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:21:10):
And it was not a nightgown for David. It was a nightgown for his beautiful pregnant wife. They're expecting their second daughter. And what I love about this story is that in life you can't control what's happening, but you can always choose how you respond to it. Thank you for letting me share that story, David. Everyone, David Faxon. Faxon, you are the best. And I'm telling you, every single day there were dozens of things that would've normally made my stress level go through the roof. And that's why I'm so proud of the fact that I just threw every twist and turn and logistical nightmare and things that went wrong. I was just like, be present, stay calm, let them focus on what's in your control, Mel, that's let me part. And one of the biggest things that went wrong happened in Sydney, Australia.
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I love Marshalls. I mean, come on. Don't you love Marshalls? Of course you do. I am so excited that Marshalls is now a sponsor of the Mel Robbins Podcast because at Marshalls you get the good stuff, brand names and styles that you love for way less. And isn't it so fun to walk into Marshalls and you're like, okay, I wonder what's in here and I bet there's some really good deals. It instantly puts you in a good mood. How do they do it? Well, the buyers at Marshalls, they are hustling behind the scenes twenty four seven to bring you really cool things and all the great deals. That means you only have to worry about having fun shopping everything from dresses to denim to shoes. Another reason why I love shopping at Marshalls, I can shop for the whole family and I'm so impressed by the designers and all the styles they stock. Marshalls, they get the deals, you get the good stuff. Shop now at marshalls.com or find a store near you.
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This was the biggest show of the entire three-month tour. There were 9,000 people in the audience, 9,000. And the tour is about two hours long and it's not me doing a podcast interview. It's not me giving a speech. It's a show. One of the big things in the tour is I wanted this tour to end with a massive confetti explosion. And the reason why I wanted this is because our family went to see Coleplay. I love Colplay and there's a lot of moments during the Colplay concert where they are exploding confetti and it's in shapes like stars and butterflies. And you see all these people on the floor of the arena they're playing in and they're getting showered in this confetti. And we had really good seats.
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They were kind of in that rung of seats that are right at the edge of the field. I almost dislocated my shoulder trying to reach for the confetti. I mean, the confetti was like right there and it was such a bummer to see all these people showered in it and taking photos and we couldn't quite reach it. And so I said to the team when we were planning the tour, "I want to douche this theater." I'm talking Super Bowl. I want the back rows to be able to feel the confetti. I want this huge celebration and joy and just to honor the audience and to have it be experiential. So we've got this show in Sydney, the biggest show of the whole tour. It is our sixth show in the stretch from New Zealand through Australia. We have our six confetti cannons. We have the biggest amount of people and they're in this arena that goes like straight up so we can get the confetti to the top.
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And at the end of the show, I sign off the show saying the exact same thing that I say to you at the end of every podcast that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And then I pause and I say, "Now go blank, do it. " And the confetti's like, except for Sydney, the biggest show of the entire tour. You want to know what the confetti sounded like? A small silent fart.
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That's it. That's it. That was it. It was one of the six cannons. The confetti didn't even hit the front row. That's it. There we go. Okay. And you want to know something incredible because I'm really proud of. I'm not proud of the confetti, but here's what I'm proud of. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't even get upset about it. I wasn't angry. I didn't snap at anybody. I didn't yell at anybody because here's the thing. Do you think the person running the confetting cannons actually meant to do that on purpose? Of course not. Of course not. And wishing about things going differently robs me of the ability to celebrate how epic the show was and how amazing the audience was. And that's why I'm so proud of managing my stress because I didn't rob myself of all the good things that happened by over indexing and gripping all the things that didn't or that didn't go right.
(00:26:54):
And now we can have a laugh about it because it's the show where the confetti farted. That's what it is. And all 9,000 people still had an absolutely epic, incredible, electric, life-changing experience. And those are just three examples of some of the crazy things that happened.
Mel Robbins (00:27:11):
But here is the other thing that I found to be incredibly difficult to manage. And I really want to give another shout out to everybody who is a musician. Your tour schedules where you are sleeping on buses and you are going from performing night after night after night after night and the load-ins the same day. If you're not in the music industry or you've never toured, you have no idea how grueling of a schedule this is. Here's a sample schedule. You land in a city in the afternoon or you pull in on your bus, you check into a hotel and then that's it.
(00:27:52):
You kind of go over lines, you figure out what you're doing. The next morning, 70 AM, you load in, you load in all the equipment. We have to build the full set. You have to build the huge screen, the lighting racks. You got to test it all. You got to wire in all the technology. That takes until about, I don't know, 3:00 PM. Then we roll over for tech rehearsals because we got to set all the cameras. There are five cameras. We got to run through the show. We got to run through changes. We got to meet the local team that's going to be moving sets on and off. Then I go out into the lobby, I sign 500 books. Then I introduce myself to all of the people that are working as ushers at the event. We were also doing some activations for Pure Genius Protein, my protein shot company handing out free samples.
(00:28:38):
And so I then greeted all of the people that we were hiring in each city to be handing out samples and talking to the fans that were coming. Then I go backstage and this is probably now about 5:30 or 6:00. Now we're doing makeup and getting ready. Doors open at 6:30. The crowd is running through at 6:30. The show begins at 7:30 with a friend of mine, Sam, who dresses as a drag queen version of me named Mellodrama. Oh my God, I got to tell you about this thing that happened. This might be my favorite moment of the entire tour. This happened in Vancouver, the matinee show on Mother's Day. If you were there, you know how extraordinary this is. So Sam is dressed as the drag queen version of me, mellow drama, and he kind of warms up the audience as funny as hell.
(00:29:36):
Then he goes out in to the audience because I really wanted the audience and every person there, because a lot of people come alone, to feel threaded through the entire experience and to feel connected to and part of the community that's there. And so he goes out and he talks to people and it's hilarious. And he came up to this woman, I believe I believe her name was Colleen and he was asking, "Does anybody have a birthday?" And she raised her hand and she said, "My birthday was last week." And he said, "Well, what are you celebrating for your birthday?" And she said, "Well, my birthday wish is to beat this damn cancer." And Sam turns around to the entire group of, there's almost 3,000 people, this is pre-show, at the orpheum in Vancouver and says to the crowd, "All the lights are on shows kind of like we're in pre-show zone." Says to the entire crowd, "Who here wants to grant that birthday wish for Colleen?" So she beats the entire theater erupted onto their feet, jumping up and down and screaming and shouting for Colleen.
(00:30:55):
She collapsed in tears.
Colleen (00:31:28):
Get rid of this cancer.
Mel Robbins (00:31:40):
I was backstage kind of watching the whole thing and Marcus, who is our tour director, ran up to me and said, "Let's sign a book for her." So I'm backstage signing a book because this is all going down live. To see people walk into a theater as strangers and in one sentence, get up on their feet in celebration of someone's fight for their life as she's facing this cancer diagnosis was for sure the highlight of the tour. And again, if I had been stressed out backstage worrying about all kinds of stuff, I would've missed it. And I am coming back from this tour not only proud of myself that I managed my stress and had fun and was present and calm and experienced all the magic, but I feel so full from that energy of you and your fellow listeners and so clear about some of the topics we need to be discussing, some of the changes I want to make to the types of episodes that we've been doing on this podcast.
(00:32:54):
And I also am very clear that I want to have a closer connection to you. And so one thing I'm going to tell you is if you're not on the newsletter that goes out twice a week, it is free. Go to melrobbins.com/newsletter because I write a personal letter twice a week and that way you don't miss a thing and you'll be joining two million other people that receive that letter from me every single week on Mondays and Thursdays. And I would love to stay connected with you because we're going to be doing a lot more in the future around this podcast. We're going to be taking more questions or looking into ways to do interesting events or to do kind of live experiences around the releases of podcasts. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I'm just super excited to be more connected with you and to find ways that we can create opportunities for you to be in rooms and experiences like that.
(00:33:52):
So the first question of this reset is thinking about this year, what are you proud of? What are you proud of that you've experienced? What are you proud of that you've done? What are you proud of that you've been working on? One thing that you're proud of and I promise you if you look, you will find that thing. And then I want you to take a moment and I want you to really sit with it and pat yourself on the back and ask yourself, well, why am I proud of that? Because I bet that there's something a little bit deeper that will get revealed. You're going to realize, wow, I'm proud of this because I recognize that I'm changing. I'm proud of this because I see that I am putting myself first. I'm proud of this because I see that I'm doing the things that are important to me.
(00:34:43):
I'm proud of myself because I've really shown up for other people and I've managed this challenge really well and I'm stronger than I think. So that's the first question. What have you done this year that you're proud of?
Mel Robbins (00:34:56):
Now let's talk about the second question. What are you looking forward to? I mean, when you think about now until the end of this year, what are you looking forward to? Because the time is going to come and it's going to go, it's going to pass. That's what time does. And with the time that you have left this year, what are you looking forward to? And I want you to really think about this. What is something in your life that's personal to you that you are truly looking forward to? And if your answer is, Mel, I have no idea or noth. Or maybe it's like, I don't even have time to think about what I'm looking forward to.
(00:35:43):
I'm just trying to survive and get through the day. That is really important and honest information and I'm glad that you're being honest with me because when you have nothing to look forward to for the remainder of the year, this is one of the reasons why life feels so hard. This is why one day bleeds into the next. This is why you feel like you're in autopilot and survival mode because every single day is the same thing. Wake up, answer the text, check social media, make coffee, go to work, come home, figure out dinner, clean something, scroll, go to bed too late, make yourself wrong, lay in bed and think about your problems, wake up, do it again. No wonder life feels flat right now because everything is responsibility. Everything about life is managing or taking care of other people. It's about what's next or work or, oh my God.
(00:36:40):
Nothing is I can't wait for this thing that's happening. And there's a scientific reason why it's important to have that feeling of anticipation, that sense of I can't wait for that thing to happen, whether it's a wedding or it's a concert or it's some trip that you're taking or somebody that you're seeing. And this research was first shared on this podcast by Dr. Tali Shert. Now, she's a renowned neuroscientist who's taught at University College London, MIT. She's the director of the Effective Brain Lab at University College London. Her research is very interesting because it's sort of this intersection between neuroscience, psychology, and behavioral economics. And her real expertise is studying how emotions influence your beliefs, your decisions, and your behavior. So Dr. Tolley Sherrit came on the podcast and explained this concept of why it is that we can get into this rut. See, what happens is your brain loves familiarity.
(00:37:41):
In fact, it is designed to learn patterns. But when your brain gets used to something, whether it's the way that you're moving through your day, you wake up, you go to work, you drive the same way, it's the same emergencies, same stress, same people, same conversations. You drive home the same way, you cook the same three meals, you watch the same stuff, you scroll the same, you go to bed. There's something happening in your brain where it stops noticing all the good things. It stops paying attention to change and the more familiar something becomes, the less your brain reacts to what you're doing. This is what Dr. Tolley Sherit calls habituation. And here's the catch and this is why I'm bringing it up. If you're kind of in one of these modes in life where it's the same old, same old, oh my God. Yes, the less your brain is reacting to the same old, same old, but it's also reacting les to the good stuff.
(00:38:44):
That's why you can love your house but stop appreciating it. That's why you can love your partner or your dog, but you get used to them. That's why you can have a life or a state of health that you've worked really hard for, but still feel kind of flat. Dr. Tali Shart would say, this is a sign that your brain has quote habituated. It has gotten used to the day-to-day. Whether the day-to-day is hard or the day-to-day is good, it's just the same old, same old. One of the fastest ways to just wake your brain, back up, snap you back into the moment is novelty. Something different, something new, something on the calendar to look forward to, something to anticipate. And that means that putting something on your calendar, it isn't just this tiny little thing to shake things up. Oh my gosh. The research is so cool because it gives your mind somewhere good to go.
(00:39:39):
It helps you get out of the day-to-day and escape it for a second and time travel and anticipate something that reminds you of who you are, that reminds you that life isn't just work. It isn't just caretaking. It isn't just scrolling on social media. Life is meant to be lived and you can experience that now by putting something in the future that you look forward to. And so as you answer this question between now and the end of the year, what are you looking forward to? I'm going to share some of the things that I'm looking forward to because I'm hoping to spark something in you, to inspire you, to remind you of parts of you that you may have forgotten.
Mel Robbins (00:40:23):
And the very first thing that comes to mind because this is happening in just a couple days. I'm going on this trip that I am so excited about.
(00:40:34):
It has been in the works for two years. It is a backpacking camping and whitewater rafting trip with our family. And even cooler, we're going with two families that we love that our kids grew up with. And I am so looking forward to this for a number of reasons. I'm looking forward to this because I love to camp. I love whitewater rafting. I love being on the river. I love hiking in canyons and I love having our family together. And I also love experiencing these kinds of trips with friends and their families. And this is a big one because this trip has been on the calendar. Oh my gosh. Well, it's been on the calendar for 18 months, but it's been in planning mode for almost three years. We start at the Grand Canyon. We then hike down a full day hike. This thing sounds like a death march in the desert.
(00:41:28):
We have to carry all of our own stuff down on our packs. This hike is like nine hours long. It's going to be a hundred degrees. Honestly, all of the materials are scaring the hell out of me. Then we climb into rafts and it's just our three families in the guides and we are rafting for nine days and eight nights, camping along the river every night, sleeping in tents, pooping in a bucket. We are three days away from leaving for this trip and we have tons of gear. So it's all spread out. We're laying out gear. We're trying to figure out what to bring. Our son Oakley has this beautiful new backpack that he's just bought that's only two pounds and Chris has all this technical gear. Sawyer did a backpacking trip through Asia for four months solo. And so she's got a pack that's like two years old and there on the floor of our basement is my pack.
(00:42:22):
Now this pack is an OG. I bought this backpack in Grand Rapids, Michigan in 1986 because I was heading off as a freshman at Dartmouth College. I hate having to do math on the podcast. How long ago was 1986? How long ago was that everybody? What? 39 years. Wait, somebody check his math. 1986.
Producer (00:43:01):
Well, that's 40 years ago, Mel. Wait.
Mel Robbins (00:43:04):
Wait, I graduated from high school 40 years ago. Oh my God. In fact, you guys, let's go get this thing. Here she is everybody. This is the ... Oh God, smells like it's 39 years old. It's a low alpine backpack. Holy cow. This thing weighs. I've been doing resistance training, so I'm now familiar with weights everybody. This feels like a seven pounder. This is really heavy. Wait, David, is it 39 or 40? I've now got the backpack in my arms if you're listening in audio. 39 or 40 years.
David (00:43:41):
39 years and four months.
Mel Robbins (00:43:42):
39 years and four months is how old this sucker is. It's got tears in it in the bottom, which is bad. It means stuff is going to fall out. It is stained to the hill. This backpack, holy cow. I have climbed mountains. I have gone to the Wind River range. I've gone down the Talachulitna in Alaska with this sucker. It is stained. It is heavy. It has served me well. So here's the question. Should I get a new one? What do you think? I'm the kind of person that really ... I kind of like rolling into a situation with the worst equipment and then smoking it. And everybody's shocked that I'm actually a great hiker with a outdated almost four decade old ripped backpack held together with duct tape. But I'm kind of feeling like I'm not doing myself any favors because I don't want a repeat of what happened on our last big hiking trip.
(00:44:42):
Now you may remember this story and if you're brand new to the podcast, don't worry. I will just give you the details of it because I did an entire episode a couple summers ago about this, but here's the short version.
Mel Robbins (00:44:53):
Our family loves hiking and camping and we drove eight hours a couple summers ago to Baxter State Park in Maine to climb Mount Katadan in Maine. Now this is a huge family trip, a big bucket list. And if you don't know why Mount Katadan is such a cool mountain, it is the northern end of the Appalachian Trail. Meaning people that do through hiking up the Appalachian Trail, they either start the through hike at Mount Katadan or they end it there. It is steep. It is rocky. I'm talking boulders the size of Volkswagen bugs. It takes all day. You got to start at the crack of dawn.
(00:45:35):
So we prep. My husband is Mr. Camper. He's a Knowles alum. He was on the Knowles advisory board, which basically mean the guy loves to live outside. The man would live in a yurt if I allowed him to, but I'm not going to allow him to because you smell when you camp in a yurt, but that's a different story. So here we are. We have been prepping for a week. Chris had spent the entire day before the drive packing up the pickup truck. We were constantly checking the list, constantly like, "You got this, you got this. " And of course we are all over our three adult kids because we think they're the ones who are not going to remember something important. So we pull into the park after eight hours in the pickup truck and all of a sudden I realize, oh my God, my hiking boots are sitting on the back porch in freaking Vermont eight hours from here.
(00:46:34):
The only shoes that I have are Birkenstocks. Birkenstocks to climb a mountain. When I realized this, I put my hands on my face and just bowed my head. Everyone in the car went silent, but here's what we did. We turned around. We drove 45 minutes in the wrong direction because Baxter State Park is in the middle of nowhere. We found a tiny farm supply store and there between the muck boots and the work boots was a single pair of hiking boots, brand new and they were my size. Now they were a little tight. They were extremely stiff, which if you know anything about hiking or doing a 5K or doing anything, you do not buy brand new things that you do not break in for this kind of thing, but I'm going to tell myself. I said, "That's it. This is a sign. This is a sign that everything's going to be okay." And I told myself, these boots are going to be unbelievable.
(00:47:40):
These boots right here, these are going to be magic boots. And you know what happened? I climbed the mountain. 12 hours, zero blisters. And the thing that I want to say about this is that one of the things that I'm super proud of about that moment, you get a choice about what your mindset is going to be. And I could have easily allowed my mindset and my attitude to be, "Okay, well, I have boots, but I'm screwed. I'm going to have blisters the size of Mount Katadan by the time we're done. I'm never going to make it up the mountain. This is going to be horrible. Might even be better in my Birkenstocks. These aren't going to work." And if I had gone down that road, I guarantee you I would have had blisters the size of Mount Katadan and I wouldn't have made it up the mountain.
(00:48:24):
But because in that moment when I saw the boots and I'm like, these are my size, I can make these work and I'm going to start telling myself, these are going to be the best boots on the planet. I am not going to have blisters. I swear to God, mind over matter and it taught me an important lesson. Your settings in your mind about what you believe is going to happen, change what is going to happen. You get a choice about whether or not you're going to say, "Today's going to be a good day," or, "Oh God, today's going to be horrible." You get a choice about whether or not you say, "I can figure this out. It's going to be better than I thought or I'm screwed." And so think about something right now that you're dreading or that you have a negative attitude about.
(00:49:05):
And I want you to apply what I just told you about the hiking boots to it. What could you say to yourself instead? Can you say, "I can figure this out. I'm under prepared, but I can figure this out. I'm nervous and I can still do it. This is going to go way better than I think it's going to. I can make a mistake and still have an incredible experience and learn for it. That's what I want you to do in your life. And honestly, that's what I'm choosing to do about this incredible trip going down the Grand Canyon. And what I'm really excited about when I think about why I'm looking forward to this is that when Chris and I were younger and our kids were really little, this is what we did all the time. We were always camping. We did this before we had kids.
(00:49:53):
Chris and I were always fly fishing or hiking or camping or out in the back country. In fact, our honeymoon, we went on a fly fishing trip to Montana in the middle of nowhere, Twin Bridges. Give you a big shout out there. And part of it is because we both love being outside. I grew up in Western Michigan and was always outside and Chris grew up hiking and skiing in Vermont and that was part of our life. And then what happens? Life happens. Kids, work, schedules, sports, bills, aging parents, dogs, homes, responsibility. And little by little, the things that you used to do, they just somehow slip through your fingers and drift out of your life. Not because you don't love them anymore, but because you stopped making room for them. And I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so excited about this trip.
(00:50:48):
And I bet there's something in your life. There's something that you used to do. And often when somebody asks you, what are you looking forward to, you think about things that are new, but maybe there's something to look forward to that's you bringing back the old something that makes you feel like yourself again. Maybe you need to pick up the guitar. Maybe you need to sign up for dance lessons. Maybe you need to take a Saturday and go fishing for the afternoon. I mean, what did you used to do that made you feel alive? What did you and your partner do when you were first dating? What did you actually love to do before life got so full? Did you cycle all the time? Chris used to do that. He used to do triathlons. Would you sit in a coffee shop and read for hours?
(00:51:40):
Were you in a book group? Did you play tennis? Did you paint? See, having something to look forward to is important because it reminds you that your life isn't just about what you're dealing with today. It helps you pull your head out of the routine and look ahead and go, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I get to enjoy my life." It makes you feel excited again. It gives you a little spark. So what is it for you that you're looking forward to? And it doesn't have to be something big. Maybe it's a wedding that's coming up. Maybe it's one of your kids that are coming home. Maybe you're playing in a golf tournament. Maybe you're realizing, wait, I don't have anything and maybe that's why I feel so down. I need something to look forward to. One thing you could do is you could reach out to friends.
(00:52:34):
It's our 30th wedding anniversary this year and Chris and I talked about whether or not we were going to do a big party. And one of the things about a big party, they're a lot of fun, but when you're hosting a big party, do you ever really talk to anybody? No, of course not. Neither do I because I'm busy throwing the party. And so I said to Chris, instead, why don't we just make a list and let's pick all of our favorite friends that don't live near us and let's schedule like five weekends where we invite people to come hang out with us or we go to them. And so another thing that I'm looking forward to steal this idea is we have groups of friends coming to Vermont and groups of friends gathering in other places five different weekends. And in fact, I'm going to invite you to one of them right now because one of the weekends is August 21st.
(00:53:29):
I am doing something so cool and I want you to come hang out with me. I'm throwing out the opening pitch for the Red Sox. It's a Friday night game at Fenway Park at 7:00 PM. Your friend Mel is going to be on that mound. I'm going to launch that ball. I'm going to be practicing. I want to make you proud, but it's let them night. And our daughter, Kendall, is singing the national anthem and you can get tickets and you can come hang out with us. And I would love to have that experience to look forward to with you. And we've got a ton of friends coming into Boston to be able to be at the game that night. They're playing ... I know you're going to ask me. So they're playing the San Francisco Giants. It's August 21st, Fenway Park. Talk about an epic summer night to look forward to, plus let's let them night.
(00:54:16):
Plus there's a Bobblehead. Yep. It's the first time in Red Sox history that they are doing a Bobblehead to honor a woman. So if you're in the Boston area or if it's always been on your bucket list to experience Fenway Park and an evening Friday night game with the Red Sox in that historic stadium, come hang with me. And then we both have the same thing to look forward to. I've been blabbing on and on. I'm looking forward to the Grand Canyon trip. I'm looking forward to all of these groups of friends that we're going to be seeing. I'm looking forward to Let Them Night at Fenway Park on August 21st and seeing you there. Now it's your turn. What are you looking forward to? And if there's nothing that comes to mind or there's nothing in the calendar, don't feel bad about that. It's just a cue.
(00:55:07):
It's a cue that you got to put something in there. And so I want you to pick one thing because as I've been yammering on and on and on about camping and about concerts and about just making dates to see friends. Oh, I got another thing I'm looking forward to. My niece is getting married. My niece is getting married in the fall. I'm looking forward to that because we're going to see a lot of family that I really love and I don't see very often. Do you have something like that? Put it in the calendar. And if you don't have something like that, I want you to pick something. What is something that brings you joy? Whether it's something you used to do or it's something that you've been wanting to do. And here's one more thing as your friend, I want to nudge you to do this.
(00:55:49):
Is there someone else that you could invite to do it with you? Is there a bluegrass festival that you've wanted to go to? Is there a tennis clinic that you wanted to play in? Is there a trail that you've been wanting to hike that is just an hour outside the city you live in? Send the person the text, "You want to do this with me? " That's it. And if they say no, let them. Then ask someone else or go by yourself, but don't put your life on hold.
Mel Robbins (00:56:19):
Don't just stay in autopilot doing the same old, same old, because here's one thing that I'm going to keep reminding you. If you change nothing, noth changes. Nothing. If you change nothing, noth changes. And one thing I want you to change is I want you to have something to look forward to. The research on this is very clear.
(00:56:39):
And I think as you're listening to me and you're thinking about your own life, you're either thinking, "Well, it's nice for Mel," or you're thinking, "God, I got to get myself back. I got to host a neighborhood barbecue. I got to do something." And I'm begging you. The future that you want, the things that you are looking forward to in the future, they start today. They start by picking a date, picking a thing, making a plan, sending the text, buying the tickets, or just organizing the group that's going to go on that hike and you deserve to have something in your life that makes you look up and go, "Oh my God, I can't wait for that. I can't wait for that. " And the things that are out in the future that you're really excited about are also important because they help you get through the challenges that you're facing today.
(00:57:31):
They remind you of who you are. They remind you that life is more than bills and going to work and grocery shopping and trying to do laundry and trying to answer all the emails. There are parts of your life that are meant to be enjoyed, but don't make the mistake that I made of just assuming that somehow it's all going to magically fall out of the sky. If you don't have something to look forward to, as your friend, I'm telling you right now, I don't want you to do another thing after you're done listening to this, but to create something to look forward to because you deserve that. So that's it.
Mel Robbins (00:58:06):
I told you we were just going to hang out and talk as if we're on a walk today. And let me just remind you of the two things that you're taking away from this episode, because these are the two things I'm taking away.
(00:58:16):
First, stop and give yourself more credit. You are doing so much for everybody. You're taking care of everybody else. You're going to work, you're doing all kinds of stuff and yet you're not giving yourself enough credit. Stop measuring your life by the things that you haven't done. Instead, I want you to ask yourself, well, what have I done this year that I'm proud of? That's it. What's one thing that you're proud of? And take a moment to really acknowledge yourself. The second thing that you're going to take away from this, what are you looking forward to? And if there's something there, just savor it for a minute. Because if you close your eyes and you think about that wedding or you think about that trip or you think about when your adult kids are coming home or you think about, that's how you can tap into the power to lift yourself up right now.
(00:59:14):
And I want to be clear about something because this has been a very difficult year for a lot of reasons. And no matter where you are right now, no matter what kind of year that you've had so far, using these two questions, you have the power within yourself to reset the way you experience the rest of the year. You will tap into the resilience inside of you that's already there. I was just waiting for these two questions to remind you that yes, you have the power to feel proud of some of the little things that you've already done this year. You have the power to feel proud of how you showed up for other people, to feel proud of the weight that you've been carrying and you still get out of bed and you still go to work. You have the power to feel proud that you graduated or that you got that new job or that you got through that breakup.
(01:00:07):
Those are things that you deserve to take a moment and go, "You know what? Well done. There are lots of things that you have done a great job of this year, and I want you to take a moment and say, well done." And you also have the power to create something to look forward to and don't underestimate how important that is. Remember what I like to tell you, if you change nothing, noth changes. And the one thing that you could change is putting something out there that gives you a reason to look forward to the rest of the year because I want you to have that. And one more thing. In case no one else has told you this, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
(01:00:56):
Answering these two questions, hitting the reset, reminding yourself that there are things that you deserve and should feel proud of and taking the time to put something out into the future for the remainder of the year that gives you something to look forward to, of course that's going to make your life better. And that's why I'm so excited that you spent this time with me because that's what I want for you. Alrighty. I will see you in the very next episode. I'm going to be waiting for you the moment you hit play. And before I tell you what you should watch next, I just want to thank you personally for being here on YouTube. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. And if you're wondering, Mel, what should I watch next? You will love this episode and I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.
Key takeaways
You miss your own growth when you race through life, so stop and recognize the hard things you’ve made it through, and give yourself credit for the progress you have made.
When you obsess over controlling every outcome, you miss the actual joy of your life, and stay present for the moments that matter.
Life feels emotionally flat when every day becomes responsibility, because your brain stops noticing the goodness, the progress, and the moments of real joy around you.
Putting something exciting on your calendar matters because anticipation wakes up your brain, breaks you out of autopilot, restores your energy, and makes life feel alive again.
When someone asks what you're looking forward to, the answer doesn't have to be something new; sometimes the most meaningful thing is returning to an old passion, hobby, or experience that made you feel alive.
Resources
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- Harvard Business School: The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work
- Affective Brain Lab: Prof. Tali Sharot: Principal Investigator
- Harvard Health Publishing: Gratitude enhances health, brings happiness - and may even lengthen lives
- American Psychological Association: 11 healthy ways to handle life’s stressors
- Thought Economics: Neuroscience of Habituation with Professor Tali Sharot
- National Geographic: Here’s why planning a trip can help your mental health
- TIME: How to Find Small Moments of Joy in Dark Times
- Frontiers in Psychology: I Feel Different, but in Every Case I Feel Proud: Distinguishing Self-Pride, Group-Pride, and Vicarious-Pride
- Psyche: How to feel more pride
- UVA Health: Practicing Pausing
- Scientific Reports: Pause before action: Waiting short time as a simple and resource-rational boost
- Harvard Health Publishing: Taking it slow
- New York Times: What a Great Trip! And I'm Not Even There Yet
- International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being: Health throughout the lifespan: The phenomenon of the inner child reflected in events during childhood experienced by older persons
- Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health: The importance of connections: Ways to live a longer, healthier life
- New York Times: To Enjoy Life More, Embrace Anticipation
- Health Psychology: Mind Over Milkshakes: Mindsets, Not Just Nutrients, Determine Ghrelin Response
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