Episode: 59
Take Control of Your Mindset: Master Your Mental Habits for a Happier Life
a Solo Episode
Learn a simple but powerful way to take control of your mindset.
If you’re tired of listening to a voice that beats you down, fills you with doubt, and argues against your goals and dreams, it’s time to change your thinking.
Get the steps you need to start programming a more positive, empowering, and confident mindset and make talking to yourself in a positive way a new habit starting today.
Listen on:
You can develop new healthy habits and you can do this. You can make it easier.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
Mindset reset is one of my favorite topics, and today I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. We didn't edit these at all. These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. I invite you to pull up a seat. You are going to laugh, you're going to feel seen, you're going to feel empowered. You're going to leave with tactical tools and let's get into it. Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today we're talking mindset reset on the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's go. I'm really excited for today's show because mindset reset is one of my favorite topics. In fact, for years I taught a course online that I created called Mindset Reset, all about the science of reprogramming the default soundtrack in your mind.
(01:01):
More than half a million people have taken that online course. I'm really proud of it, and today I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach to listeners who are struggling with their mindset. If you are brand new to the podcast, I'm Mel Robbins, welcome. I am one of the world's leading experts on behavior change, motivation and habits. I'm also a New York Times bestselling author. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I just want to take a minute before we jump into these live coaching sessions to thank you. I always say this is our podcast, and I mean, I couldn't be doing this without you, without you listening, without you sharing, without you submitting topics, sending me videos in the dms. You are a critical part of the success of this podcast, and I always envisioned that this would just be like taking a walk with a friend, but you have taken this to an entirely different level.
(02:03):
I wanted to be a force for good in your life so you could be a force for good in your own life. And what's happened is you and your time and your shares, do you realize that we have impacted the lives of 17 million people in over 200 countries in just four and a half months? That's how many people have downloaded the show, 17 million. So from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you. You are a force for good in people's lives around the world. Thank you for sharing this show. Thank you for listening. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for making our podcast a life-changing zero cost resource for people. And today's going to be no different. Today we're going to do something really cool today. You're going to listen in on two live raw real coaching sessions. We didn't edit these at all.
(03:04):
These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. The first coaching session is with a woman named Poppy who grew up with very, very critical parents. And what's happened is since her parents were so critical when she was little, she is now incredibly critical of herself and she's sick of it. She wants to evict that jerk in her head. Then we're going to move on to a second listener who is realizing by listening to this podcast that she has been surrounded by narcissists her life and they have beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault. And we're going to talk about the steps she needs to take in order to evict that jerk in her head and program in a positive new soundtrack, one that is all her own that is empowering. So that's what we're doing today. I invite you to pull up a seat. You are going to laugh, you're going to feel seen, you're going to feel empowered. You're going to leave with tactical tools, and let's get into it with our first coaching session with Poppy. Hi Poppy.
Poppy (04:09):
Hi Mel. How are you?
Mel Robbins (04:11):
I'm great. Lay it on me, poppy.
Poppy (04:13):
Okay, I have a question for you. So how does one turn off that voice that's been programmed into our head telling us that our needs or emotions don't matter and we must cater to theirs? So how do you turn that off?
Mel Robbins (04:33):
Okay, it's an excellent question, and you don't turn it off. You have to lay a new soundtrack. So if you think about the default mindset, almost like a playlist that runs in the background, that it's almost hard to make it go silent. It's much easier to put a new playlist in there. And so there are two tricks I'm going to give you. So number one, well, before I get into the tricks, I just want to acknowledge something. Great job, recognizing that the default thinking doesn't serve you in your life now. So the fact that you recognize, wow, I have this way of thinking that I don't want in my life and I'm going to do something about it. So that's enormous and it's amazing. Can you tell me what does this default soundtrack sound like? What does it say to you?
Poppy (05:45):
So it says that whenever I put myself first and don't put other people first, I'm selfish. Or if I want to do something for myself, it's never going to succeed.
Mel Robbins (06:04):
Now, did somebody tell you that?
Poppy (06:08):
Yes, my parents
Mel Robbins (06:10):
Actually. Okay. Alright. So thank you for admitting that. And the reason why your parents told you that is because their parents probably told them that, and so they probably thought that they were protecting you, and instead they sentenced you to a brain and a way of thinking that makes you feel terrible.
(06:44):
And so when you can recognize who the programming comes from, it also helps because then you can separate yourself from that voice because it's not your voice, it's your parents' voice and you have a chance to break this chain. You have the chance to be the one that this playlist dies with. You have the chance to create a whole new way of thinking and talking to yourself, and that's incredible. And so the first thing that you said is that you have a belief because somebody programmed this into your mind that runs on default, that putting yourself first is selfish. Correct?
Poppy (07:30):
Right.
Mel Robbins (07:30):
How does that impact your life?
Poppy (07:37):
I get burnout basically.
Mel Robbins (07:41):
If you could program a different belief, what would the belief be
Poppy (07:50):
That worth it? Basically, it's okay for me to take care of myself. It's okay for me to have emotions. It's okay for me to just be me. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (08:06):
Oh, I love this. Your whole life's about to change because not only is it okay, I deserve to feel how I feel. The main mantra I want you to have is, I deserve to be happy. Does this make me happy? I deserve to feel happy. Does this make me happy?
Mel Robbins (08:28):
What would change in your life if you started to tell yourself over and over every single morning when you start your day, I deserve to be happy today. What would change if you believed that happiness was something you deserved?
Poppy (08:44):
Wow. I think that my day-to-day would be a lot better. Basically, I would actually get to cross off all the lists that I put down on my to-do list. I would have self-confidence. I would be able to go out and have a great day with friends. I noticed that I hold myself back a lot because of what's been programmed in my head, and I'm done with that.
Mel Robbins (09:14):
Well, I'm glad you recognize it. That's a huge step. Most of us sleepwalk through life and don't even realize that we have been trained as little kids to make everybody around us happy. And that it's your job to make people happy. It's your job to keep people satisfied. It's your job to make sure nobody's disappointed with you. And part of the problem is is that underneath what your story is, which is it's selfish to put myself first. You have an uglier story. And the uglier story, which I recognize I had this one too, is people will be mad at me if I put myself first. There will be consequences if I do what's good for me. And so that's what you're really wrestling with is that you've connected taking care of yourself with somebody pulling their love away. And that's why you're scared to put yourself first. This goes way deeper. And so you're doing fantastic on behalf of all of us by recognizing that your own thinking is holding yourself back. And I can tell you're just sick of it. And so here's what you have to start to do. Number one, I want you to name the voice.
Poppy (10:38):
Name it?
Mel Robbins (10:38):
Yeah, give it a name. Sally Sue Jocko, Raul Michael. We got to name this thing.
Poppy (10:50):
Oh boy. Vicky, I guess.
Mel Robbins (10:54):
Vicky. Okay. So when this default programming comes up, you're going to talk back to Vicky, okay? Okay. And literally, you can even physically, when you feel yourself holding yourself back, that's the signal that this is default programming. You're going to turn toward Vicky. Literally, I want you to turn your body and you're going to look as if Vicky's there and you're going to be like, shut up, Vicky,
Poppy (11:27):
Right
Mel Robbins (11:28):
Now. I want to hear you do it.
Poppy (11:31):
Shut up, Vicky.
Mel Robbins (11:33):
Yeah, but if you don't make your boss happy, nobody's going to love you. Tell her, shut up.
Poppy (11:45):
Shut up.
Mel Robbins (11:49):
If you don't do exactly what your parents, they're going to be disappointed.
Poppy (11:55):
Shut up.
Mel Robbins (11:57):
Say it louder. I don't believe you.
Poppy (11:59):
Shut up.
Mel Robbins (12:01):
Say her name.
Poppy (12:03):
Shut up, Vicky.
Mel Robbins (12:07):
You don't want to believe this shit. Vicky's saying, right?
Poppy (12:10):
Nope.
Mel Robbins (12:11):
What do you want to believe?
Poppy (12:13):
And myself?
Mel Robbins (12:14):
Yeah, your parents want you to be happy. They don't know how to make you happy. So they're just telling you what their parents told them. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying this is what people do. You are now an adult. You're not to blame for the crap, the malarkey, the garbage, the gunk, the generational trauma shit that your parents put in your brain. You're responsible now that you're an adult for reprogramming this. And so whenever your mind tells you something that you don't want to think, shut up, Vicki. I don't believe that. I believe that if I'm happy, my parents are going to think that won the lottery. I don't believe that. I believe that if I put myself first, I'm going to do better at work. Shut up, Vicki. What the hell? You're not paying my rent. Shut up, Vicki. You're not going to the party.
(13:06):
I'm not taking you with you. There's no plus one on this invitation. Shut up, Vicki. By distancing yourself and talking back to it, it loses its power over you. And what also starts to happen is the filter in your brain, the RAS, it's now noticing, oh, you actually care about empowering yourself and you're going to see more and more reasons to put yourself first. But it really does start with you got to delete that song. Shut up, Vicki. Shut up Vicki. Shut up Vicki. On the playlist in your mind from the past. And you've got to insert the new programming. You want to run on default, which is, I deserve to be happy. My parents are proud of me for being me.
Mel Robbins (13:51):
Nobody's disappointed in me. And if they are, I'm an adult. I can fricking handle it and I got to start taking care of myself because I deserve that. Those are your beliefs, period. And whenever you start to feel like here you go, holding yourself back, shut up, Vicky. And you'll notice the more you do this and you take ownership for programming your mind, the less Vicky's going to show up.
Poppy (14:19):
Okay?
Mel Robbins (14:20):
I mean it,
Poppy (14:22):
Right?
Mel Robbins (14:22):
I really mean it. If you believed in yourself, what's one change you would make that would improve your life?
Poppy (14:31):
I would be less intense, I would say,
Mel Robbins (14:34):
Why are you intense?
Poppy (14:36):
Because, well, just a little story where you're like, I'm an immigrant and so are my parents. And they are very tough on me. They're very toxic because of culture and they feel the need to raise me a certain way. But in terms of living in America, what they're doing to me is very toxic and abusive. So I'm just always living on the edge basically. And if I could just embrace myself, I think I would be a more relaxed person.
Mel Robbins (15:14):
Yes. So are you open to some coaching?
Poppy (15:17):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (15:19):
So a couple things I want to say about this. I agree with you. And when you take on the job of programming your mind to work for you, you will be happier. You will relax. And the reason why you're intense is because you have been trained to believe that at any moment something could go wrong and that's your lived experience that is real that happened, and that is what happened during your childhood. And it will also help you if you can lose the word toxic...
Mel Robbins (16:09):
Unless your parents are abusing you and I don't know that they are or they're not. But if you lose the word toxic and you amplify a little compassion and you say, Hmm, I'm not saying what my parents are doing is right. I'm not saying that I, they didn't cause issues for me emotionally and mentally and psychologically, but they did the best that they could. And I bet it was kind of hard to immigrate here. And I bet it was hard to feel like an outsider. And I bet the stakes felt really high for them, and they felt like outsiders and they felt like they couldn't mess up. And I bet they took all of that stress that was their lived experience and out of fear and love, they aimed it at you.
(16:59):
And the reason why I want you to drop the word toxic is because I see this word thrown all over the internet, and it's a very divisive word, particularly if you want to improve your relationship with the people who are engaged in behavior that feels toxic. And so I think your parents probably did the best they could with their experiences in life and with the situation that they were in, and that if they truly understood what it was like for you as a child, they'd be mortified and horrified and they'd feel terrible. Is that a fair assessment,
Poppy (17:47):
I guess for some parts?
Mel Robbins (17:48):
Okay, so I don't want to have you have to go in through your whole family history, but if there's abuse and that kind of stuff, then yeah, that is toxic. And you do need boundaries and you'll figure that out with your therapist. But when it comes to not adding more pressure on yourself, adding a little compassion so that it doesn't feel so personal and accepting the fact that this was a form of emotional abuse for you, that you stressed you the hell out, you have this toxic stress in your body, you feel on edge all the time, you can change this and you can also change this and change the dynamic with your parents. And the way that you change the dynamics with your parents is by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself. There's always kind of two people in a relationship when you change the energy that you bring into, that relationship's going to change and they're going to have no choice but to change in reaction to it. That's how this creates a major ripple effect because it has held you hostage for far too long and you have the chance to not only heal yourself, but to heal this pattern that's been passed down through your family.
Poppy (19:10):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (19:11):
What are you thinking?
Poppy (19:16):
So for right now, we're not really on speaking terms. Yes, they have abused me physically, emotionally, mentally, it's bad. Yeah.
Mel Robbins (19:26):
Okay.
Poppy (19:27):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (19:28):
Okay. So since you're not on speaking terms and you're seeking therapeutic help, let's first say this, I am proud of you for getting the help that you need, and I'm proud of you for drawing boundaries that put you first and drawing boundaries that put you first is an example of you believing that you're worthy and that you deserve to be happy. And that's amazing, absolutely amazing. And when you continue to start to evict the bully that's in your head, by naming that bully and talking back to that bully, you will start to hear and reclaim the most powerful voice on the planet, your own period. And you don't need to worry about your parents. The time will come, if it ever comes, when you will feel strong enough, confident enough, secure enough, and safe enough to reconnect with them if that's what you choose to do. And if you choose to never do that, that's okay too because you deserve to be happy. You do.
Poppy (21:01):
Okay.
Mel Robbins (21:04):
What did you get from this conversation?
Poppy (21:07):
Who basically to have more compassion for others as well as myself?
Mel Robbins (21:16):
Yes. Because part of learning to accept yourself is being compassionate. Compassion for self is super important. You don't have to excuse what somebody did, but when you seek to kind of understand what was going on both for yourself, for other people, when you bring compassion to it, that's where you open the door to true power for yourself and where you take control and responsibility for what happens in your life moving forward. You get to decide what happens next. And when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself again, your whole mindset's going to change.
Mel Robbins (22:01):
And that will be what empowers you to create a new relationship if that's what you decide to do in the future. But what you're doing right now is you're actually working on the most important relationship on the planet, and that's the one you have with yourself.
Poppy (22:18):
Right.
Mel Robbins (22:19):
Awesome.
Poppy (22:21):
Thank you so much, ma'am.
Mel Robbins (22:22):
I'm really proud of you.
Poppy (22:24):
Thank you.
Mel Robbins (22:25):
And thank you for telling me what you told me because you actually saying, wait a minute, I can hear what you're saying. But there was physical abuser. Mel, that's you putting yourself first. That's another example of how strong you are. Claim that stuff, baby.
Poppy (22:42):
Thank you.
Mel Robbins (22:43):
You're welcome.
Poppy (22:45):
I love you, Mel.
Mel Robbins (22:46):
I love you too. You're awesome. And next up you're going to hear from a fellow podcast listener who's been impacted by the negativity of narcissism and she's sick of it. And we're going to talk about what steps she can take and what steps you can take too when we come back. Hey, it's Mel, and I wanted to jump in to the middle of that podcast episode you were watching to make sure you knew about a free opportunity that I created for you. It's a new three-part training called Take Control with Mel Robbins. It is packed with science. It is packed with action. It's exactly what you need right now. I know that you are tired of feeling like you're in survival mode. You're tired of merely coping, and it is time to tap back into your excellence and power again. Let me coach you, let me guide you on the steps that you need to take in order to level up and start executing.
(23:43):
It's going to feel so great to start winning again. All you got to do is click on the link right there in the caption, it's mel robbins.com/take control. It is free, it is for you, and you need to be in it. Now, let's go back to the podcast. Welcome back, I'm Mel Robbins, and today we're talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the default programming in your mind, you know that critical voice that's constantly chirping away in the background, you're never good enough, you didn't get it right, you look fat. Once you identify that and that you're sick of it, how can you erase that bully and program a new positive soundtrack in its place? Well, Diane is about to help you do just that. Hi,
Diane (24:31):
How are you doing?
Mel Robbins (24:32):
I'm great. How are you?
Diane (24:34):
Doing all right. Doing all right. Do you have a question for you? I mean, wonderful information from Poppy.
Diane (24:41):
My question comes more of what about when this kind of programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers, and they're just basically building on what your parents or other people have said?
Mel Robbins (24:56):
Great question. So the question is, what if you've got programming from childhood that now is basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend, group, blah, blah, blah?
Diane (25:15):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (25:15):
What is the kind of default negative thing that you say to yourself?
Diane (25:22):
It's definitely not good enough, and who the heck do you think you are?
Mel Robbins (25:26):
Ooh, the who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it. Yes, it does. Yeah, it does. So I don't know why I'm going to ask you this, but I'm going to ask you this. Were either of your parents on the narcissism, personality disorder by chance spectrum?
Diane (25:49):
I'm pretty close. I would say yes, one of them for sure.
Mel Robbins (25:52):
And the reason why I say that is because the who do you think you are has a very hostile nature to it. So I would imagine, and again, I'm just guessing, just guessing here, that there was a level of either hostility or fighting or outbursts or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid happening with the adults in your house.
Diane (26:24):
I've blocked out a lot. I remember more of my adulthood where my ex was a narcissist. Definitely.
Mel Robbins (26:33):
Yep. Okay. So I am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out because what is that? When you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid because the adults around you can't be trusted or they're erratic or whatever the situation may be, you live in a state of fight or flight and the alarm system in your body's going off, and when you are on edge and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. This comes from research out of UCLA, Dr. Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system dysregulation impacts the brain's ability to function. And so if you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories. And so super normal to not have a lot of memories.
Mel Robbins (27:43):
By the way, I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood, from high school, from college, from law school. I was in a constant state of anxiety, never present in the room to make memories there. And what I want to tell you first is the good news. So the good news is even though you have been the victim of being with a narcissist and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain. You can learn how to calm your nervous system, and you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there. Because even though a narcissist or somebody with a narcissistic personality is not deliberately doing this to you, they are so incapable of empathy. They're not even considering you and me we're objects, they're just doing what they're doing, but we literally get damaged in the way that we think about ourselves.
(29:01):
When you're around somebody like that because you think you are the problem, you think that if there was something different about you, then everything would be okay. And lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue, they actually tell you that you're the problem. And so this was a deliberate programming in your mind at the hands of other adults. Now, the good news is you're an adult and you can take deliberate steps to reprogram your mind. And I'm going straight for boom in the face on this because I want you to realize that you got to get deliberate about this, that somebody else trained you to think this way. And it is a level of being deliberate as if I said, you're going to move to Russia and you got to speak fluent Russian. I realize you've spoken. How old are you?
Diane (30:03):
65.
Mel Robbins (30:03):
You've spoken English for 65 years, but for the rest of your life, we're going to speak Russian, we're going to speech Swahili, we're going to speak a different language, and you can learn a different language. And learning to shut off the abusive voice in your head and teaching yourself through thought substitution a different language is what you're going to have to do. So that's number one. Number two, you're not going to overnight be able to look in mirror. I love myself. It doesn't work that way
Mel Robbins (30:49):
Because you've had a lifetime of people telling you otherwise. And your brain will reject any mantra that you choose that you have actively tried to disprove. And so we got to pick something for you that you may not quite be there yet, but you believe in the truth of it. And what I believe that everybody deserves is I think you can say, I deserve to be happy.
(31:17):
Or I'm a good person who's trying her best, and I deserve to be happy. I'm a kind person who deserves respect. I am doing the best I can. And that's good enough. There are these mantras that kick the narcissist. You're not good enough. Who do you think you are thing out of your head? And you can say something back that's like, Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can. And that's good enough. And that is enough of a rebuke and it's believable enough even when you're beaten down that as you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it to yourself, going to have to, you will start to believe it. And one final thing that I wanted to say to you is that you know how you said that the program started with my parents and then it was an ex, and then it was colleagues, and then it was a boss and knew it was this.
Mel Robbins (32:16):
That may be true, but we've also got to start to do the work of catching the filter in your brain. So yes, your boss may be an erratic douche who calls out the things that are negative or is always in a grouchy mood, but that doesn't mean anything about you. This is where your filter and the programming in your mind scans the world and reads your boss's crappy mood as having to do with you because the narcissist in your life made you feel like everything was your fault for all. Your boss's wife is having an affair. He's going through a tumultuous divorce, he's dealing with some issue in his gut, and he has irritable bowel syndrome, which is why he is always grouchy. And he's a really sad sack guy who can't get his shit together. He has childhood trauma, none of which has to do with you, but your programming in your mind makes you think everything's your fault.
(33:22):
And that's also the part of the work that you're going to need to do. You got to reprogram the words. You say, Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can. That's good enough. Or I deserve to be happy, especially after these assholes that were in my life. You can put a little sauce in there. You can tell I like a little spicy mantra, something that, because if you don't quite believe it, if it doesn't loosen you up a little bit, that's not the right thing to say because most mantras are bullshit because people pick things like, I love myself. And then they spend the day going, you look like shit. You screwed that. Like no, you don't love yourself. I need to give myself a break. I'm doing the best I can now. There's a mantra I can get behind because I believe that.
(34:03):
And so pick something believable, put a little edge or fun into it because it shakes the mood down a little bit. And then go to work on this filter that you have of making everything is your fault because it's freaking not your stupid parents and your dumb ex-husband, all of whom were mentally challenged with narcissistic personalities made you think that horse shit, you're not to blame for that, but you have a responsibility to change the way you talk to yourself and to basically go, not everything's about me. Thank God I love that you're laughing now. You seem lighter. What did you get out of this?
Diane (34:45):
I love the one thing. It's not everything's about me, period. It's not mine. Not always, not all of it. And really retraining the brain, really working through catching those filters. And it's going to have to be one step at a time.
Mel Robbins (35:02):
That's it. And here's give yourself a fucking break. Seriously, give yourself a break. Have a little bit of compassion. Wow, I got out of a marriage with a raging narcissist. I'm pretty awesome.
Diane (35:19):
Yes,
Mel Robbins (35:20):
Yes you are.
Diane (35:22):
Yes, I'm
Mel Robbins (35:23):
Give yourself more credit. And it is true. We get so focused on our own bullshit that we convince ourselves that the world's problems are our doing. Most people have so much stuff going on and are so busy beating themselves up. They're not even thinking about you and me.
Diane (35:44):
Alright,
Mel Robbins (35:45):
You got this mantra. You got this. Let me hear you say your new mantra.
Diane (35:51):
Quit taking myself so seriously. I'm not getting out of this thing alive.
Mel Robbins (35:56):
That's true. This ends the same. And how about adding? I might as well enjoy the rest of the ride.
Diane (36:01):
There we go. I may as well enjoy the rest of the ride.
Mel Robbins (36:04):
The first 65 kicked my ass, so let's have some fun. The next 65.
Diane (36:08):
And they did. Oh my Lord.
Mel Robbins (36:10):
Yeah, but you're here laughing about it. That's more than most can say. And so I do believe the best days of your life are on the road ahead. I believe that.
Diane (36:30):
Thank you. Believing it too. I'm getting there.
Mel Robbins (36:35):
Awesome. Well, you know I'm here. I'll be kicking your ass forward the whole way.
Diane (36:40):
Good.
Mel Robbins (36:41):
Let's go. All right. Go get 'em. Awesome. Thank you. You're awesome. Great question. If you were listening to that and you felt it deep in your body somewhere, I want you to know that when you have the revelation that the voice that you've listened to for years, the voice that's held you back, that made you feel like shit, that it's actually not even yours, that can make your heart seize for a minute. It's kind of one of those like, wait, wait, what? And then when I add on top of it that you're not to blame for the crap that somebody programmed into your head. You were just a little person with three pounds of macaroni that was trying to absorb everything around it. And our brains love patterns and it picks up on patterns of speaking. And that's what your brain did. And so if you're having this revelation, holy shit, I've thought that everything's my fault for my entire life because somebody made me believe it was.
(38:02):
And then I held onto that belief, don't freak out. This is great news because so many people spend their entire lives not even realizing that it's possible to change the way you think it is possible to put a new playlist in your mind. It is possible to filter the world completely differently and to make your brain work for you. Now, are you going to have positive thoughts all day long? No. Are you going to be like a thousand percent confident? No. But can you stop torturing yourself? Yes. Can you start encouraging yourself? You better believe you can. Can you separate what your narcissistic piece of shit ex-spouse said to you from what you actually believe about yourself, that you want to believe about yourself? Yeah, you can. Can you do it overnight? No. You're going to have to work at this just like the people in your past worked over time at saying things to you that beat you down.
(39:22):
This stuff takes hold over time. But the good news is your brain is super responsive. And when you combine what you're learning about, resetting your mind with healing your nervous system and the science of making and sticking to new habits, all of which you are absolutely smart enough and capable enough to apply to your life because your friend Mel Robbins, I am not going to make this scientific. I'm going to give you the science so that you know this stuff works and you can count on it and trust it. But I make this stuff so dead simple that literally your kids and I can do it. And so you can do everything that you are learning on the Mel Robbins Podcast. You can change your mind. You can kick the bully out of your head. You can program in new thoughts. You can actively work to change the reticular activity system in your brain.
(40:20):
That network of neurons that filters the world, you can take better care of your brain and taking care of your physical brain will also help the thoughts in your mind. You can develop new healthy habits using the three simple aspects of a habit based in science and focusing on triggers and rewards. And you can do this, you can make it easier and you can heal your nervous system, which is the trifecta of transformation. We hit the habits, the mindset, and the nervous system. Holy shit, you're like the terminator of transformation. You could do anything. I believe that. I just have way too much evidence to the otherwise. And if you're cynical about that, take a look at who taught you to be cynical.
(41:14):
Just because life hasn't worked out for you the way that you wanted to up until this point, who fucking says it's not going to work out for you and the best days aren't ahead? I'll tell you who says you do. You decide whether or not you're going to continue to let all this crap you're not responsible for to hold you back, or you're going to take responsibility for what happens next, heal your nervous system. You can do that. And you don't have to spend a dollar change your mind. You can do that, and you don't have to spend a dollar to do it. Make new habits. Habits that actually help you get what you want, what you deserve. You can do that. And you do not have to spend money to do it and know that that's why I'm here. I'm here to help you do these things.
(42:06):
I'm here because I know it's possible. I'm here because I'm trying to save you the headache of living with these negative thoughts as I have for 40 plus years. I'm trying to save you just the discomfort and the agitation and the horrible feeling of living with a dysregulated nervous system as I have done for over 45 years. And I am absolutely right here beside you, trying to make some new habits using this simple science. And so we got each other's back in this one. But I want you to know change is possible. It's not only possible, you will make it happen. You just have to start to do the work. Alright? I love you. I believe in you and your ability to take all these coaching sessions and apply 'em to your life right now. And I can't wait to hear what you got out of this episode. Talk to you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
Key takeaways
The critical voice in your head is not yours; it was programmed by someone else, and now it’s your job to overwrite it with deliberate, empowering thoughts.
When you catch yourself holding back, name that voice, talk back to it, and remind yourself that you deserve to be happy, loved, and put yourself first.
Stop convincing yourself everything is your fault. That idea was shaped by people who never saw you clearly in the first place.
If you don't believe a mantra like "I love myself," start with something honest and believable like "I'm a kind person doing my best, and that’s enough."
You can’t heal overnight, but you can start now with small steps: notice the thought, name it, reject the lie, and choose one that works for you.
Resources
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- The Washington Post: Make self-affirmation work, according to science.
- Psychology Science: Affirmation of values buffers your stress response.
- UCLA: PTSD can develop, even without memory of the trauma.
- PscyhCentral: This is why your brain blocks out traumatic memories.
- This is one of my team’s favorite reads when it comes to critical voices.
- The Guardian: Stop calling people toxic; here’s why.
- Wharton: Adapting to the boss you have, not the boss you wish you had.
- Psychology Spot: Here’s why you should name your inner critic.
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