How to Make Hard Choices: Practical Tips for When Sh*t Gets Real

(00:56):

And I invite you today to pull up a seat and listen in as I give some advice and coaching to a woman named Katrina who wrote in, because in the wake of a breakup, she has a very big decision to make. You're going to love her. By the way. She's smart and she is a go-getter, but she's really stuck right now. She's got a big decision to make, and she feels overwhelmed by the decision. This coaching session is going to give me the opportunity to teach you two just critical truths about life. The two critical truths that you have to accept about life is number one, you have to know the difference between the right decision and being afraid of the right decision. And the second truth about life is that how you feel about somebody is very different than how they make you feel.

 

(01:59):

And how they make you feel is where you have to put all the weight when you're making really hard decisions. And by the very end of this coaching session with Katrina, you are going to learn an absolutely incredible tool. This is a tool that will help you make courageous decisions because isn't it true that so often the decision that you know is right, the one that deep down in your heart is the best and truest decision for you, it's also the one that scares the hell out of you. Alright, do we have Katrina here? Oh, great. Hi Katrina.

 

Katrina (02:41):

Hi Mel. How are you doing?

 

Mel Robbins (02:42):

Hi, I'm good. Why don't you go ahead and start by reading. I think they're going to have you read your question and then we can kind of talk through it.

 

Katrina (02:49):

Yes, absolutely. Alright. Hi Mel. My name is Katrina. Thank you for all your podcasts. They have saved me in the past year. Let me explain. In July, 2022, just days before my 25th birthday and last year of law school, my boyfriend of five years dumped me. To say that this was out of nowhere would be an understatement. But looking back, I am sure there were signs that the end was coming. My future crumbled right before my eyes. I was numb for the first three to four months. I've done a lot of work since then. 

Mel Robbins (04:25):

Okay, so I think that this is a very short coaching session.

 

Katrina (04:32):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (04:33):

Because I think you know the decision,

 

Katrina (04:36):

Yeah, I think I do too.

 

Mel Robbins (04:38):

So when you just kind of went, I think I do too. I want to tell you something about decisions. It's interesting because especially since you've just graduated from law school and you've been using that big, amazing, powerful brain of yours to get through law school, and you now think like a lawyer, you're very analytical, but the kind of decisions that change your life are not made upstairs in that lawyer analytical brain. 

Katrina (05:26):

Yeah, I think it's my heart. I mean, there's definitely a part of me. I left out a few things there. His parents have a love story that they ended up back together after they broke up and after they had separate lives. So I think subconsciously, I'm hoping that that's the case. But I know my time here, I live in Indianapolis. I think my time here has come to an end just because I want to be living in a place where I'm worried I'm going to bump into him or worried I'd see him on a date with someone else. That's not a life I want to live, and that's not something I want to have in the back of my mind everywhere I go,

 

Mel Robbins (06:15):

I think there's a bigger reason that has nothing to do with him. So I want you to tell me why you want to move. I mean, fuck him for a minute. Why do you want to go somewhere else?

 

Katrina (06:35):

Yeah. There are many reasons. I've lived in Indiana my entire life, and I think this breakup has shown me if it's shown me, I mean, it's shown me so many things, but one thing is that you have one life to live. And I just don't think I'm supposed to live here for my entire life. And it's something that's deep in me. And it was deep in me before we broke up. I thought about moving. I wanted to move. And so it's only accelerated it, but I have parent guilt because they live here and I think that they don't intend on moving anywhere. But maybe if I can show them that it's possible, you can do it, you can start over somewhere new that maybe it'll give them the confidence to do so. So I agree with you. There are reasons that are more personal than just him and that I know from my own self-growth, it's a necessary next step.

 

Mel Robbins (07:35):

Yeah. I think you want to make the decision not only from your heart, and I'll coach you through how to make the decision and how to read the energy of your heart, but you can make this decision either because you want to move away from something or because you feel called to something. Do those two places feel different to you?

 

Katrina (08:06):

I think it's 60% being called somewhere else. 40% of me feeling that I need to move away because I mean, we spent five years here. We were very active people everywhere, and I like to go on hikes. And now every time I go on hikes, I think about where we've been. And he's not that big of a city to escape from all the memories and it's, it's been really hard to think that I can create new memories with someone else or myself without those things coming in the foreground.

 

Mel Robbins (08:43):

Yep. It's possible for sure. But it's easier if you're feeling called. And so you said a couple things to me. One is I felt called deep down even before we broke up and that this is something that I've wanted to do. And I will tell you, you will always regret not doing it. And the other thing I'm going to tell you is you can always come back.

 

Katrina (09:11):

Yeah. That's been my main thing is that I know I can always come back. I've made enough of a network here and I know there are plenty of people in my corner that are here that I could rely on it. God forbid something was to go awry in the state that I've chosen. So I do want to bet on myself. It's just that me that feels a little guilty towards my parents.

 

Mel Robbins (09:39):

Well, hold on a second. Your parents are grown ass adults.

 

Katrina (09:43):

Yes. They're,

 

Mel Robbins (09:44):

And they can move. They can get on an airplane, they can FaceTime you. They want you to be happy. They want you to pursue your dreams. There is nothing I would hate more than to have my kids tell me that they gave up on something they wanted to do because they felt guilty about me after all the shit I've done to support them. They're not going to saddle their coward ass chicken shit decisions on me.

 

Katrina (10:19):

Yeah, no. That resonates deeply. I know. You're right. I know. I don't know what part of my smile, the inner child of me that somewhat believes that I can't go somewhere without disappointing them. But I know that you're right that deep down that they want the best for me. They want me to be happy and that will work. And

 

Mel Robbins (10:40):

Here's what you can do. You can actually go to your parents and say, I need to do this for myself. And the only thing holding me back is my fear about you guys being upset with me. So can I ask for your support in doing something that I desperately need to do for my own growth? And I promise I can always come back. Yeah.

 

Katrina (11:08):

Yeah. I think I need that reassurance for sure.

 

Mel Robbins (11:11):

Well, you can ask for it. Whether they give it to you or not is a whole nother thing. I don't know your parents, I don't know if they're going to be emotionally immature about it, but I suspect they've seen you suffer and they've seen you sad and they want you to be happy. And if you tell them This is what you think you need to take this risk to do this thing, then you need to do it. Living with regret is the worst thing in the world. And so I am focusing us here because I need you to accept that he broke up with you and you haven't.

 

Katrina (11:54):

Yeah. I feel like I haven't had time to,

 

Mel Robbins (11:58):

That's bullshit.

 

Katrina (12:01):

I know.

 

Mel Robbins (12:01):

All you do is think about this.

 

Katrina (12:05):

It's gotten a lot better. I mean, I've been able to, I told myself I would be on a hiatus until I take the bar in July from men talking to men. And I've gotten over that. I've allowed myself to live and freely talk to adult males who I find interesting or attractive. And I've been using the five second rule and it's worked wonders and it's given me bountiful connections. It's just, I don't know. There is a part of me that is hanging on to this little piece of hope that because he was the person that, I mean everything I wanted in a person that was him, except the fact that he didn't want me. So maybe that should be

Katrina (12:51):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (12:52):

Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?

 

Katrina (12:56):

Yeah, you don't.

 

Mel Robbins (12:58):

But you do. Because you think if you can win him back, it means something.

 

Katrina (13:06):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (13:07):

What does it mean if he comes back?

 

Katrina (13:12):

He regret. He regrets the decision that he, what

 

Mel Robbins (13:18):

Does it mean about you? What does it mean about you?

 

Katrina (13:25):

Probably not anything commendable. I mean, you take in someone that second guessed your worth and their perception of you as what you meant to them in your life and how I wasn't enough.

 

Mel Robbins (13:46):

See, there's a part of your value and worth that you have handed to him and him coming back and wanting to be with you is what you think is going to give you that piece of self-worth act. That's why you're holding onto it because you think there's something wrong with you or missing from you or deficient. And only he can give it back to you.

 

Katrina (14:29):

Yeah. We haven't even spoken since. So since July, I haven't seen it. It's been,

 

Mel Robbins (14:36):

There's nothing to say.

 

Katrina (14:37):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (14:37):

He said everything when he broke up with you without warning.

 

Katrina (14:40):

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (14:43):

And I also think you need to look back at the relationship if you're going to with a much more critical eye. Because there were signs. There were always signs.

 

Katrina (14:52):

Yeah. There were absolutely signs.

 

Mel Robbins (14:55):

What were the signs?

 

Katrina (14:56):

Well, one, two years into our relationship, he cheated on me. Okay. There's a sign that's a sign two, about three weeks before he broke up with me, he was Mormon and I'm Christian of general, and he had some Mormon people over and it was on, we got in a big fight, essentially. And I saw him look at me differently in that time. And then on our 4th of July weekend when he broke up with me, he was very distant also, all of our mutual friends broke up with their girlfriends two weeks prior. So every guy in our group that I

 

Mel Robbins (15:49):

Also, are they all Mormon?

 

Katrina (15:50):

No. No, they're

 

Mel Robbins (15:51):

Not. Okay.

 

Katrina (15:53):

They're not. But they all broke up with their girlfriends two weeks prior. And then I was next. I was the next target to be hit or

 

Mel Robbins (16:04):

Captive. To be released.

 

Katrina (16:07):

Yeah, that too. Yeah. He was

 

Mel Robbins (16:12):

Definitely, you need to change your story. You need to change your story. He was not everything you thought you wanted. He was somebody that cheated on you, that you forgave, who then started to ice you out because he felt the pressure from LDS leaders, which he's allowed to do. And he did it in a really chicken shit mean disrespectful way. Had he sat down with you and explained from his heart the pressure he feels, how much he cares about you, how much this time is meant to you, but he just can't get past the religion, blah, blah. If he had done that, we wouldn't be here.

 

(16:55):

But see why you feel pissed. And I'd like you to get into the anger instead of the sappy doopy, should I move? Should I not fuck him? You got to get into that motive. I was fucking disrespected by this son of a bitch. How fucking dare he? What a chicken shit piece of shit. Traumatized. I was dating a boy.

 

Katrina (17:23):

Yeah, no, absolutely. A hundred percent not emotionally intelligent. Definitely.

 

Mel Robbins (17:29):

Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Come on. What else?

 

Katrina (17:33):

Oh man, it's so hard.

 

Mel Robbins (17:35):

No, it ain't. It's only hard because you've been telling yourself a different story. And the story that you need to tell yourself is this one. When it's not love, it's a lesson. And the lesson that he taught me is I want an actual man. I want somebody who talks about his feelings. I want somebody who is upfront with me when something's not working. 

Katrina (18:25):

I like that story. That story I

 

Mel Robbins (18:26):

Say it with love

 

Katrina (18:28):

That story. I think I'm going to keep in my back pocket. Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (18:31):

No.

 

Katrina (18:32):

Now

 

Mel Robbins (18:33):

Here's one other thing I want to say to you. We got to come up with your plan B when you bump into 'em, because I have a feeling that literally within the next 48 hours you are going to bump into 'em.

 

Katrina (18:44):

I do too. I know. I've had this feeling for a while.

 

Mel Robbins (18:47):

Okay, so what are you going to do?

 

Katrina (18:51):

I don't know. I've just thought about saying hi, and I mean, I'm in a much better head space now. This is, the breakup has been one of the biggest blessings. Truly it has been the amount of relationships that I've fostered and the amount of people that I've met since then that I never would've met, and their stories I never would've heard. It's given me a new light. It's given me a new reason to live in a new pursuit. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how loyal I am as a friend and how many people I have in my corner. It's just so I want to exert that kind of energy when I see him. If I was great, yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (19:40):

Great. Okay.

 

Katrina (19:43):

If he asked me how I'm doing, I want to say I'm doing great because I am.

 

Mel Robbins (19:47):

Okay, great. But there's still that little piece.

 

Katrina (19:50):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (19:53):

And I want to turn that piece into something powerful for you. And it's the truth. And the reason why you can't let this go is because of how he handled it. Because you are a person of principle and you deserved to be treated differently. This is not about the breakup. This is not about what happened. It's about the how.

 

Katrina (20:24):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (20:25):

And so the way that we're going to do this, because we're going to role play, is I want you to put on your lawyer hat,

 

Katrina (20:34):

And

 

Mel Robbins (20:34):

I want you to say, you're just going to try this on. You and I are shopping together because having this rehearsed, we'll help you not get triggered. Because when you see the person, 

Katrina (21:38):

Yeah. That's tough. That's how you, I don't know how you

 

Mel Robbins (21:43):

All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. I I'm him. I'm like walking and I see you and I'm like,

 

Katrina (21:50):

Okay. Hey Nick.

 

Mel Robbins (21:54):

Hi.

 

Katrina (21:55):

It's great to see you. I had a feeling it's good to see you. I was going to bump into you recently. I mean, it's been a long time since I've seen you. Yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (22:04):

You look great. You look really great. How are you doing? Thanks.

 

Katrina (22:06):

Thank you. I appreciate it. I just wanted to let you know I'm actually, I'm moving soon, and I truly wanted to thank you for allowing me and giving me this time to Nope.

 

Mel Robbins (22:21):

Okay, we're going to start over. No, I want to thank you for ending it.

 

Katrina (22:26):

For ending it. Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (22:27):

I wouldn't have,

 

Katrina (22:29):

Yeah, I would not.

 

Mel Robbins (22:30):

And I needed you and it needed to end, and I'm happy it ended. But I do have to tell you the way you handled it. Not cool, not cool at all. I deserve better. And I hope you treat women better in the future. See you later. Alright, here we go again. I'm Nick. Okay, here we go. Hey, Nick. Oh, hi. Hey,

 

Katrina (23:02):

How's it going? Going?

 

Mel Robbins (23:04):

Everything's

 

Katrina (23:05):

Great. Everything's really great. I had a feeling I'd bump into you. It's really odd, but I just wanted to let you know, I wanted to thank you actually for ending what we had. Yes. I recently made the decision to move, and I would not have made this decision had we stayed together. And after great reflection, it's been truly the biggest blessing. The way in which it was done was not acceptable. And I hope that you can do better for the women that are in your life, in your future. Thank you. Goodbye. Have a good life.

 

Mel Robbins (23:46):

Case dismissed, man. He's convicted. You're the winner. That was incredible. How do you feel?

 

Katrina (23:54):

It feels empowering and it feels honest.

 

Mel Robbins (24:00):

Yeah. Yeah. That last word is it because a lot of that Gotcha. And I'm just going to say that thing where I pretend to look, dah, dah, dah, that doesn't work. But you're being honest because I really feel that it's the justice piece of this that hooked you, that that's what has kept you attached to this, that it wasn't right. And when you distinguish the relationship ending the what from how it ended, it gives you your power back to go, wait a minute, I was mistreated here. I need to say something. This fucking co did this and then slinked off into the sunset. I don't think so. And I also love that you can see the difference between making a decision because you're weak and you don't want to bump into this loser on a hiking trail. Give me a fucking break.

 

Katrina (24:54):

Yeah, I know

 

Mel Robbins (24:57):

He's probably not hiking anywhere because he's scared to bump into you

 

Katrina (25:00):

Possibly.

 

Mel Robbins (25:01):

Definitely,

 

Katrina (25:01):

Definitely,

 

Mel Robbins (25:03):

Definitely. Even if he has somebody new, he's going to be scared to bump into you because he also knows he was a coward and he disrespected you the way he did this. And so you know that you are now making a decision to move