Episode: 89

Dial Down Family Drama: 5 Easy Tips to Reduce Conflict With the Ones You Love

with The Robbins Family

Get 5 effective strategies to help you improve your family dynamics, resolve almost any conflict like a pro, and create a better bond with your kids.

Sit on the couch next to Mel, her husband Chris, and their three adult kids, as they discuss all the ways Chris and Mel have screwed up as parents and the things they did that built trust and brought the family closer.

The truth bombs their kids are dropping will change your relationships for the better.

Listen on:

Do not drag your kids to you - go to them.

Mel Robbins

Featured Clips

Transcript

Mel Robbins (00:00:03):

Have you ever noticed that right before you're about to go on vacation, there is a mandatory screaming match that you have to have with one another as you're loading the car. It begs the question, how do you get to the point where you can have open communication with your family? How can you express your boundaries? I thought it would be pretty cool if I took you behind the scenes into a private conversation that Chris and I had with our three kids. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Woo. I dunno why I was all excited in that open right there, or even threw in a woo because I'm a little annoyed right now. I want to talk to you about this phenomenon that happens with your family. Probably happens with your roommates too. Have you ever noticed that right before you're about to go on vacation or you're going on some sort of family road trip, there is a mandatory screaming match that you have to have with one another as you're loading the car.

(00:01:16):

Have you ever noticed that, that you're about to take off and go do something amazing together? We're about to go down to one of our favorite places on the planet and spend some time at the beach and it never fails. The night before we leave, it is a complete shit show to the point where you question whether or not you even want to go on vacation. And I don't know what this is about. So let me tell you what happened. So last night we were busy packing up the house and I don't know how your family does it, but I like to stage things. So I turned the dining room table and the kitchen counters into the kind of landing strip for all of the things that we're going to do. And I also feel like I need to take everything that is in the cabinets with us and in the fridge, like the half drunk carton of milk because I figure why buy it down there when we can just load it in the car and finish it up.

(00:02:19):

So I'm kind of busy doing that. And of course we were trying to record a bunch more podcast episodes, so I'm running up the stairs to the studio and then I'd come back downstairs and pack a few things and that's how the afternoon was going. Everything seemed to be fine. My kids are packing their stuff up. Chris is packing his stuff up. We're starting the pile for all the dogs things, their crates, their leashes, their dog bowls, the dog food, and we sit down to have dinner and Chris, who is, thank God, the trip leader in the planner in our family goes, okay, so let's talk about logistics tomorrow. We can take the house that we're renting over at noon. It's approximately four hour drive from where we are. So what time do people think they want to leave? And so Oakley and Kendall are 22 and our 18-year-old immediately go, we want to leave at nine o'clock in the morning. And Chris gives them that sort of blank look where his mouth is wide open and you can see him calculating. There's no way in hell you're leaving at eight, nine o'clock in the morning. That's not happening because first of all, you sleep until 8 45 so you're not leaving at nine o'clock.

Mel Robbins (00:03:33):

And so he starts to basically say, that's fine, but I'm going to have a long list of things that we need to do in order to leave and to get ready and to pack up the stuff. Wait to hear this. And all of a sudden Kendall turns to me, I love you Kendall if you're listening to this, but she turns to me and she says, can I just say something? Sure. If you're expecting us to load your car, mom, then you got to have all your stuff packed up tonight. And I just paused. The old me would've erupted back and started arguing because I had not been practicing any of the nervous system regulation we talk about on the Mel Robbins podcast. I just took a deep breath. I witnessed her getting agitated and I said, okay. And then I said something smart. I don't believe I asked you to load my car. And she said, well, what ends up happening all the time is that you ask us to do stuff in the morning and then you're not ready, and then we're all waiting around for you.

(00:04:48):

And I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help myself. I had to tug back like in a tug of war rope game thing. It doesn't feel like a game when you're doing the tug of war in life with words. But I yanked back and I was like, listen, I'm going to tell you something. I am the one that writes the check for the house that we are renting and the person that writes the check does not do the same damn jobs that the unemployed college graduate and high school student are doing. So please do not tell me what I am supposed to be doing in order for your life to be easier because I have a different job than you have. I got to give her some props because she didn't back down. You know what she said? She said, mom, money does not define your value, so do not throw that money in my face.

(00:05:39):

And by the way, you rent the house and write the check because you want to be there too. So that is not a fair argument. All I am asking is that you get yourself ready tonight so that if you want our help tomorrow morning, we are ready to help you because Oakley and I leaving at 10 o'clock Now, it was really interesting because I got to hand it to her. I did not appreciate being sort of snared at, but if I step in her shoes and I give her credit, I know that what she was doing is she was looking back on past experiences. And the truth is, as I have admitted to you a bazillion times in our conversations on this podcast, I'm a complete shit show when it comes to managing my own time. I have time blindness, one of the symptoms of A DHD in adults where I just have a hard time organizing myself.

(00:06:37):

I am always the last one in the car. Her complaint is valid. There have been oftentimes where we have left for this vacation and I'm still in the house packing. In fact, today is that day because my kids left at 10 o'clock this morning. Chris is still running around downstairs getting things together. Thank God for Chris. And I am upstairs above the garage finishing work that I should have finished yesterday. And have I packed yet? No, I haven't packed at all. In fact, I still have laundry to do. I might not even drive down to the place that we've rented at this point tonight. I don't know what the hell's going on and I'm not worried about it. And oh, by the way, it's like four o'clock in the afternoon. Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest. So a couple things about that story I just told you, it illustrates something about our family.

(00:07:28):

We, for better or for worse have very open communication. As you noticed, Chris was extremely proactive. He called this informal family meeting over dinner the night before. We're all supposed to leave in order to try to understand everybody's needs. Second, our kids, they speak up sometimes not in a tone that I really like. And I will talk to Kendall when our emotions are not triggered about how we can be better at advocating for what we need without barking at each other. The other thing that you'll notice is that our daughter had no problem basically calling me to the mat, which I think is a really good thing. I would never have done that to my mother, and I still don't do that to my mother. And if you can do it in a respectful way, I think that's a good thing because we've gotten to the point with our kids where we don't own them.

(00:08:28):

They have to be able to speak up when something bothers them. They have to be able to point out something that doesn't feel fair. And if you consider the example that I gave you, I'm right when I say I'm not going to have the same job as you. You're an unemployed college graduate and I'm the person that has a full-time business to run and I'm writing the check and paying for this vacation, so I'm not going to have the same job. However, I actually hadn't addressed her question because all she had said, if you take the emotion out of it is if you want help in the morning, mom, you need to be packed tonight.

(00:09:09):

And I got offended because I'll be honest, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be packed at night. And so I felt like I was getting called out and made wrong. I did not hear it for what it was, which is somebody expressing boundaries. I can help you but only if you're packed tonight. And so she was right to call me out and say, mom, money does not define worth. That's not what we're talking about. And she stood her ground. And I respect that because I wasn't ready last night. I wasn't ready this morning. I'm not even ready right now. Those kids, they left at 10 o'clock, just like Chris said, they did everything that Chris wrote on three different pages in terms of lists and things to do. And they're already down at this place. We rent me on the other end. It's four o'clock in the afternoon. I have not packed. I still have laundry to do, and I'm sitting here recording a podcast episode for you.

(00:10:07):

That's why families argue, I guess. Oh God. So it begs the question, how do you get to the point where you can have open communication with your family? How can you express your boundaries? So many of us are at a time of year where you're going to be going on vacation with them. My family, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids, they're showing up in a matter of five days. My parents are rolling in just six days from now. We're going to be a family of 11 under one roof for an entire week. Wouldn't it be nice to know how to have boundaries, how to have open communication? And so here's what I thought. I thought it would be pretty cool if I took you behind the scenes and I invited you on the couch in the TV room into a private conversation that Chris and I had with our three kids.

(00:11:06):

You're going to hear from our daughter Sawyer, who's 24, our daughter Kendall, who's 22, and our son Oakley, who is 18. And Chris and I are going to ask them, what did we fuck up as parents? What did we do that seemed to work? And what kinds of things have you witnessed in your friend's parents that caused your friends to stop talking to their parents and to stop trusting them? That's what we're going to cover and a whole lot more. And so without further ado, let's head to the couch and you, you're not going to the couch until I ask you and beg you to please subscribe. I can bring you these videos every single day because of the ad support that we get from the ads that roll on this. So please, please, please support this channel and just hit subscribe. It's free. It helps us and it helps me bring this to you every single day. And I profoundly, profoundly, profoundly appreciate it. And this is after all, going to be about asking for what you need. And so I'm asking you for what I need and thank you. Hit subscribe and I love you. And now you're ready. Let's go to the couch. It was such a huge hit when Oakley introduced me. So we thought it would be fun for each one of us to introduce somebody else. Okay,

Mel Robbins (00:12:30):

So I'm sitting here with my husband Chris of 26 years. He is our rock. He's our spiritual center. You're the foundation,

Kendall Robbins (00:12:39):

You're the core of the earth. Just revolve around you. Yeah, clearly, except

Sawyer Robbins (00:12:43):

Oakley's. Pluto.

Oakley Robbins (00:12:46):

What the fuck?

Chris Robbins (00:12:47):

Let me introduce Mel Robbins. She is our tornado, our whirlwind, our farm,

Sawyer Robbins (00:12:56):

Our beautiful tornado,

Chris Robbins (00:12:58):

And of course my wife, thank you for bringing us all together.

Sawyer Robbins (00:13:05):

So should we do a little round robin, like everyone to the right? Yeah. Okay. So we have here the middle devil child, Kendall Robbins. She is an amazing sister, an amazing singer, very dedicated, very beautiful. We love her. She is the comedian of the family. And yeah, let's give it up for Kendall Robbins. Oh, Kendall is, how old are you? Oh, she's 22 and 18 months younger than me, thank God. And two grades of blow.

Kendall Robbins (00:13:44):

Hello everybody, my name is Kendall. Thank you for that lovely intro. Sawyer. To my right, we have the golden child, Minnie Chris. He actually doesn't have his own personality quite yet. He's trying to steal everything from my dad. 17. Yeah. Okay. 17. Born

Sawyer Robbins (00:14:08):

On St. Patty's Day.

Kendall Robbins (00:14:09):

Born on St. Patty's day. Little lucky bitch. Sorry. He is an amazing brother. He is the most mature in touch, intelligent, just kind man I've ever met at his age. And I don't just say that because I'm biased, because trust me, I hated him for a very long time. However, we've crossed that bridge. But this is Oakley. He's 17, he's great. And he's going to introduce Sawyer.

Oakley Robbins (00:14:37):

Hi guys, I'm Oakley, Kendall. Thank you for that wonderful introduction to my left. Sawyer Robbins 23, right?

Sawyer Robbins (00:14:47):

22, 23. I am in fact older than Kendall as no one

Oakley Robbins (00:14:52):

Notices. Anyway, she's 23. She's graduated from college bc.

Kendall Robbins (00:15:00):

Her favorite color is blue.

Oakley Robbins (00:15:02):

Her favorite color is blue.

Sawyer Robbins (00:15:03):

Do you know what I do for a living?

Chris Robbins (00:15:04):

I don't know if I should reveal your personal information,

Sawyer Robbins (00:15:07):

Dude, that's totally fine. My

Chris Robbins (00:15:08):

Social security number is Sawyer lives in South Boston. She's working at a cybersecurity company.

Kendall Robbins (00:15:15):

I'll take it from here. Please do. We're just going to pass the torch back. Sawyer is the most hardworking person next to my mom. I would say she is. Dad, we love you.

Mel Robbins (00:15:32):

So many people remarked about the openness that you guys have all displayed on various episodes of this podcast. And do you personally think that you have a very open relationship with me and dad? Or how would you describe the type of relationship that you have with dad and I? So why don't you go first

Sawyer Robbins (00:16:01):

To answer the question, point blank. Yes, definitely very open. I tell them almost everything. And that being said, I consider myself extremely open. I tell them anything from work to friend problems, to boyfriend issues, et cetera. But I think that I am actually the least open when now looking to my right or my siblings, simply because I think I choose what I share with them. And that is a lot, but not every single detail which others can speak to. Guilty, guilty. Okay,

Mel Robbins (00:16:47):

Now you're out. Why do you share stuff with us?

Sawyer Robbins (00:16:53):

I think that growing up we always had a very open relationship. And I think one of the core things that you both instilled in all of us is you will never ever get in trouble for telling the truth. If we were telling you completely upfront and honestly what we were doing, where we were going, who we were going with, or in general, what is going on in our lives, then regardless of what it was, we would never be punished for that. And I will always remember I had an incident with my first time drinking. I drank a whole handle of vodka and I'm the oldest, so that was my first rodeo. And I woke up in the morning and I was petrified, puke all over myself, sleeping on the window bench. I thought I was just toast. I thought I was dead meat. I was so scared. And then we all sat down in the screened in porch and they both said to me, we will never punish you for something that we also did as kids. And as long as you are open and honest about

Chris Robbins (00:18:12):

That, pretty much opens the door wide open.

Sawyer Robbins (00:18:14):

Oh yeah, baby. I was running with gas after that. But after you guys said that, I just felt so much more at ease. And my punishment that day was actually going to a lacrosse tryout, which I yanked at several times. But then I looked at my other friends who would get in trouble for drinking

Sawyer Robbins (00:18:36):

Or for doing things we weren't allowed to. And they would immediately be grounded. They'd immediately have to stay home. They were restricted from alcohol, they were whatever. And that just kind of put a huge barrier between I think them and their parents, which was just, let's be sneaky. Let's steal, let's sneak out. Let's go to parties and lie about where we are. And when I think from very early on, you both were very vocal about as long as you are honest, you will not get in trouble. And I think that that just eliminated the barrier between us completely.

Mel Robbins (00:19:16):

I think a lot of parents say that. I think that is every parent throwaway line. Hey, as long as you tell me the truth, you're not going to get in trouble. As long as you call me, you're not getting in trouble. And then in the tsunami of emotions, when you get the call that your kid has blacked out or there's been a huge party or the police showed up or whatever else, most parents freak out and then ground or punish.

Chris Robbins (00:19:39):

No, I disagree. I disagree for you to say that. Every parent out there just makes a blanket statement that says, just tell us the truth and you'll be fine. No way that therein lies. I think one of the secrets,

Chris Robbins (00:19:54):

The keys to the kingdom is inviting that truth telling, because most people don't.

Kendall Robbins (00:20:02):

Okay, well, I agree. I agree. I actually don't think that any of my, I think that it was unspoken in a lot of my friends' households growing up that if you tell us the truth, you won't get in trouble. But it wasn't, there was a difference between what they were saying and what they were doing in terms of the parents. The parents want you to tell the truth, but they're still going to punish you. You guys want us to tell the truth, but you're not going to punish us. You actually do what you say you're going to do as parents.

Chris Robbins (00:20:30):

But did you, Mel, is that what your parents told you? Because I,

Kendall Robbins (00:20:34):

Yeah.

Chris Robbins (00:20:34):

See, I didn't get that from my parents. I just got the idea that it takes, the message to me was it takes a long time to build trust and it takes two seconds to shatter the trust, which is sort of infers that tell the truth and you're not going to blow up relationships or leave people feeling sort of lost inside of the dynamic between the two of you.

Mel Robbins (00:21:06):

My number one goal as your parent in our relationship building was to get you to want to come and talk to me and dad about important topics instead of going to your dip shit friends. And I always thought if you're 13, 14, 15 or 16, way better to talk through something you're thinking about or worried about or wanting to try and all that stuff with adults who will listen to you than going to other 14, 15 or 16 year olds that dunno what the hell they're doing.

Kendall Robbins (00:21:43):

I agree with that. And this was sort of going to be my whole point about why I also have such an open relationship with my parents. Arguably too open. It's definitely too open. Yeah. Don't take notes for me. I turned out fine sort of. But

Mel Robbins (00:21:59):

TBD,

Kendall Robbins (00:21:59):

What I was going to say is you were just saying it's so much better for kids at that age to go to their parents who will listen to them rather than their dip shit friends. But that's the issue is that parents don't listen. And what I was going to say, my whole point is that there's a difference between, I think that my definition of listen as you guys have defined what listen means to me and it's internalizing what we're saying. Parents all around the world can just listen to their kid be like, I really want to go to this party tonight, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or whatever it may be. Oh, I got too drunk at this party, or, oh, I slept with someone before I was ready. There's a difference between hearing what they're saying and actually listening and internalizing how it's making them feel. I feel like every time we told you guys something as kids, you would actually empathize with us and hear us and internalize it. And in doing that, you were able to loosen the reins a little bit and let us fuck up and let us fail and let us, and instead of being like, you're stupid, you're being punished. That was dumb. You were like, let's talk about it. How is it making you feel? Blah,

Chris Robbins (00:23:05):

Blah, blah. So you're saying in these conversations that we were having as you were growing up, you had that sense of feeling heard inside of

Sawyer Robbins (00:23:15):

Absolutely. Oh, my dad is balling. That's cool. Oh dad, I hate when you cry. I really wasn't planning on

Kendall Robbins (00:23:25):

This. No, totally. I feel like most kids don't talk to their parents because their parents don't hear them and don't listen to them. So why would they?

Sawyer Robbins (00:23:34):

I think a lot of my friends, for example, whenever they would want to go on a trip or go to a party or do anything they want to do, and they already knew in of their head that their parents didn't want them to or were going to say no, they go into the conversation to talk about that and express how they're feeling. And as a kid, I think we all come from the exact same scenario where we want to explain why we want to go to this thing or go to this trip or why we should be able to do this, et cetera. But on the other end, the parents, like Kendall said, may be listening, but they already have an answer in the back of their head. Their mind is made up. There's no room for conversation or changing. I think that when kids go into conversations with parents who immediately make up their mind do not allow for any sort of alterations or changes to the plan, then you're just set up for failure because then it just turns into sneakiness and hatred and all that stuff. Resentment. Yeah, resentment. And so I don't know. I think that I'm looking for a word, but Oh, I mean I think this is also a little bit of, I mean, I think parents and children should not obviously be equal.

Sawyer Robbins (00:25:07):

Parents need to have a little bit of authority over children. But I think what I really appreciated most, a lot of it and a lot. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Okay. But I think that at the end of the day, I always felt as a child like you are equal. And I always felt like you guys,

Mel Robbins (00:25:27):

What does that mean? I don't think dad and I ever bought into the parenting philosophy of being your friends. What dad and I at least, if I had to summarize the way that we think about parenting is I think about parenting as though our job is to help you figure out who you are. And that means learning how to think through decisions, learning how to come to terms with your own values, learning the weight of the consequences of decisions, and that the whole point of parenting is for you to grow up and leave and go find somebody that you love as much as dad and I love one another and go build a family and to become more of who you are. And so we were always focused on connection first, correction dead last. I

Oakley Robbins (00:26:30):

Feel like I'm so open because you guys were so open with me. I feel like I could go to you guys, I could ask you guys something about your life and you'd tell me there was nothing that you really hid from me. Maybe there was, or maybe I was just so young that I didn't really ask, but you were very open, which was super nice. And I also felt like you guys had my back a hundred percent of the time no matter what. For example, I went to camp for a month and I got bullied. And so my mom found out about it and she refused to let me stay there. So she took me out a week early, which felt really nice because it showed that she cared about how I was feeling and she understood that and she acted upon it, which was really helpful for me. And it showed that she has my back and she continued to show me that throughout the rest of my life,

Mel Robbins (00:27:09):

Seeking connection with you guys required us to learn how to listen. It required us to learn how to hear your points of view even though they were often stupid or immature or dangerous or irrational or emotional or irritating, but still to respect you enough to listen and no. And oftentimes your ideas were great and we would listen and acquiesce, but I think you also had a sense of safety because we always had guardrails. There's nothing you're going to do that's dangerous, there's nothing we're going to allow you to do that is self-destructive or destructive to other people. There is nothing that we're going to ever allow you to do. That could be a situation that is deadly or discriminatory against people. And so there were guardrails and there are guardrails that we're very, very intense about. But

Kendall Robbins (00:28:03):

I think that your guardrails are around morals and who we are as human beings, not behavioral

Mel Robbins (00:28:07):

Can you give an example?

Kendall Robbins (00:28:11):

Be a kind person, hold the door for people, say thank you, ask the waiter's name. Those kinds of things are unspoken guardrails, whereas I feel like other parents put up guardrails that are like no drinking on the weekends. You never put up guardrails that were activities or experiences or things we do. It's how we are within those experiences are where the guardrails are.

Mel Robbins (00:28:33):

What do most parents get wrong? What are some don'ts that you've seen either dad and I do or other parents do?

Kendall Robbins (00:28:41):

Let your kids figure it out themselves.

Oakley Robbins (00:28:44):

Yes.

Kendall Robbins (00:28:46):

Never with drinking and driving. Well, yeah, yeah.

Oakley Robbins (00:28:49):

Obviously

Kendall Robbins (00:28:50):

Honestly, if somebody is gateway, drugging their way into heroin or cocaine or becoming an alcoholic at a young age, I can bet you that there is a massive lack of love and appreciation and being heard and being seen in their household. And it's probably coming from their parents. Hate to call you guys out, but it's probably coming from their parents.

Oakley Robbins (00:29:09):

It definitely,

Kendall Robbins (00:29:09):

And you know what, instead of the, yeah, you find out that they're doing cocaine, that's terrifying. I can't even imagine what that's like as a parent, but instead of seeing that and having some rash, crazy reaction about we're throwing all this out, we're putting you into this, we're putting you into therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What I think would be more impactful is sitting their kid down and being like, can we have, here's the punishment. You're not leaving this table until we actually talk this through because there's got to be a lot more deep seated issues than just this bag of white powder. I think that the issue is that parents are just so quick to be like they're so afraid of it becoming a bigger issue that they just bandaid on a bullet wound and just put them into when the real issue is the deep seated hurt that the kid is feeling and the love that they're not getting. But I also want to add

Sawyer Robbins (00:30:06):

Though, that for a lot of people, the parents sitting down to have that conversation, if the parent is not the actual person to talk to, then a licensed therapist is. And so it's not searching the house to get rid of all the coke and the weed to make sure they don't have any. Because I can assure you we're smart. We can find it anywhere. This is a question from Avery. Who? Avery at Oakley. Okay. Yeah. Oakley

Mel Robbins (00:30:42):

One. Okay.

Sawyer Robbins (00:30:43):

Oakley, you're young.

Mel Robbins (00:30:44):

Okay. I'm listening to the episode where Mel talks about her daughter's love life dilemma with Kendall. And I have immediate request for an episode. I have a 4-year-old daughter and I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about these kinds of issues when she's in college. So here's the pitch. How do you raise kids who share information about their lives with you? Can you give people a tool that you could use? Is there a takeaway? I think that

Kendall Robbins (00:31:19):

The tool that you can use is a warm and excited and interested invitation to asking your kids about their life and showing genuine interest in their life. And I think that in that interest, it makes your kids want to tell you more in an authentic way. But I also

Sawyer Robbins (00:31:41):

Want to say that I think continuing to ask and continuing to be interested, continuing to be welcoming is very important. But if they are not receptive, don't take that as just never asking. Again, I think continue to ask, continue to be interested, but there are times in life when they will not want to tell you and you need to be respectful of that. And I think it's when parents often overstep and won't stop asking and have to know that.

Chris Robbins (00:32:16):

So that's a great point is that a parent can comfortably be okay with not hearing anything in response.

Mel Robbins (00:32:26):

Yes. Just keep asking

Chris Robbins (00:32:29):

That silence does not need to be misinterpreted as deafening and that there's something wrong, but just that because

Kendall Robbins (00:32:38):

Asking lets them know we're here, we want to listen, we love you.

Mel Robbins (00:32:42):

I have a question from Andre who has a three and a half year old and she's worried that she's going to screw up her kids by saying something or doing something wrong and she wants to know how do you not do that? And I just want to take a stab at this because I think one of the things that dad and I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret in hindsight or for doing things that may have hurt your feelings. I think that that's like if you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues and you're quick to take responsibility for them, I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying and I don't know.

Sawyer Robbins (00:33:40):

I agree. Dad, do you have anything next question to say about that?

Chris Robbins (00:33:43):

Yeah, I think that there's, transparency is big and leading by your own example and us being willing to share what's so about us, I think sets a, it's a good example that can only help in maybe a child wanting to do the same back towards their own parents. But it is fascinating to even in this conversation to be hearing about things that we might think we did well or didn't do well and you having a completely different interpretation about that because you're naturally at a different age and have a different perspective. And anyway, it sort of makes me think this is all well and good and ages and differentiation that things are going to get misinterpreted along the way.

Kendall Robbins (00:34:45):

Yeah. Another big thing, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong, beautiful name by the way is honest communication as parents being honest communication with each other and with your kids being honest communication.

Mel Robbins (00:35:03):

What does that mean?

Kendall Robbins (00:35:05):

Telling them what's going on, telling them about your day, making sure, I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening or if we asked a question you would always tell us. And I think that watching you two be honest with one another inspires us to want to be honest with you. And another thing too, under the umbrella of honest communication is

Kendall Robbins (00:35:32):

I have so many vivid memories of growing up as a family, sitting around the fireplace, sitting at dinner or sitting gathering. You guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not, to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be with fireplace, wood, evergreen, mint food, our love lives, whatever. You made such a conscious effort to gather us together and get us all talking and communicating with one another that there were so many times when I was like, I don't want to fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner.

(00:36:04):

I want to go play Polly pockets upstairs and their clothes, me and Kendall. Yeah. But now that I'm at my age, it's like those are the memories that I cherish the most and those are the moments that I look forward to the most, which are the rabbit hole conversations we get down. Because I think as kids, I'm trying to stay on track with the question, but making a conscious effort to talk to your kid and making it a ritualistic thing where you talk to them after dinner or you're talking to them in the car and whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point, and maybe they won't, but I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run. I know we all do.

Sawyer Robbins (00:36:45):

I think though, under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part of that is vulnerability. Because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, literally, I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be, and absolutely be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness your most idolized person as your parent, be weak. But I think that watching our parents sit at the dinner table and baw their eyes out because work didn't go well that day or because they had a hard conversation with a friend and being completely open and honest about it, just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same.

Mel Robbins (00:37:53):

That's really big. I think when you guys talk about honest communication, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers and you also are lie detectors. And so when you say honest communication, what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience

Kendall Robbins (00:38:13):

In your actions,

Mel Robbins (00:38:14):

In our actions. I also think we tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or frustrated or disappointed or sad, that you knew that it wasn't about you, that it was something going on in our lives that you were to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true?

Sawyer Robbins (00:38:40):

Yes. You were very outspoken about that. When you would be in a bad mood or something, you would make sure even the first thing you would say, I feel like when you would come in the room is this is not about you. This has to do with something else. And then you would continue to be a bitch. But it's fine.

Chris Robbins (00:38:58):

We did do all right. If the firstborn is actually saying that stuff, normally it would just be the third born that would pick up on that.

Sawyer Robbins (00:39:04):

I love you guys.

Mel Robbins (00:39:05):

I love you too. Alright, here's another one. Now let's go to older kids. This is because I think most people are now because so far the takeaway for me is seek connection. People are going to want to know how we're talking. Conceptually,

Kendall Robbins (00:39:17):

No, seek connection over correction is so big, so big. You'll correct your kids through connecting with them.

Mel Robbins (00:39:27):

I think, yeah, I'm not a parent, but

Sawyer Robbins (00:39:30):

Be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins (00:39:31):

If you want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things. I don't think you guys should have access to or know the details about our marriage. That's for dad and I thank God. And so I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your feelings. You've got to show your feelings.

Kendall Robbins (00:39:57):

I think that you guys showing that at times you are weak shows that you're human and makes, I don't know, it gives us more space to do that too because okay, I am going to stutter for a second until I get to what I'm saying, but in being weak, in crying in front of us, I think so many parents are so just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time. But it's like by showing your kids that you guys are also human allows your kids to feel those things too as they start to grow up. I

Sawyer Robbins (00:40:32):

Also think, I know so many of my friends till this day as a 23-year-old, a lot of them have been like, I've never seen my parents cry ever. And I think, and not saying that you need to walk downstairs and baw your eyes out every goddamn day, but I just think that not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad and not real life, honestly. And I think that hiding that away from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day.

Mel Robbins (00:41:16):

I also think that a lot of parents think they got to keep the stiff upper lip and they got to stay strong and they got to be the one in charge because that's going to make the kids feel safe. And I actually think when you see your parents being human, it makes you know that you can count on them to be honest with you and that you can count on them to tell you

Kendall Robbins (00:41:37):

Totally,

Mel Robbins (00:41:37):

Yeah, what's going on?

Kendall Robbins (00:41:38):

It's like honest feeling and communication like,

Sawyer Robbins (00:41:41):

All right, let's move on to the next question, but take away, don't be a dictator, just be vulnerable.

Mel Robbins (00:41:45):

Yeah. Connection over correction. Let's go to Christie. Her daughters are teenagers and they've stopped connecting with me the way they used to, and they're often behind closed doors or staring at their phone, and I'm envious of the connection that you have with your daughters in particular. How can I get my teenage daughters to open up to me?

Kendall Robbins (00:42:05):

Okay. I think first and foremost, Christie, first and foremost, Christie, eat. There's going to be days when they're going to want to be locked up in their rooms on their phone, and you're just going to have to keep a smiling face on, keep going, know that it's not personal at all. They're just in that moment of there's definitely a moment. There's a long ass moment in all of our lives, especially as teenage girls, that your friends are more important than your family. That's just how it goes in your development. That's just how it happens. Sawyer and I have both felt that simultaneously, but I think something that I wouldn't say my mom and my dad didn't do, but I wish they would've done more of is had more fun with us in those ages made experience happen between me, Sawyer, and my mom, that both Sawyer and I would have so much fun doing, going to paint pottery together and then going to CPK because their food fucking slaps or you know what I mean, going to the mall and going shopping or girls today we're going to go to the pumpkin patch and if you want to bring your friends, bring your friends.

(00:43:12):

I think showing that you care about your daughters and their friends, but also making time for the three of you to have fun together, those memories will just be so crystallized in their minds, I think.

Mel Robbins (00:43:23):

Yeah, I didn't do that enough.

Sawyer Robbins (00:43:25):

I completely agree with Kendall. I also can say I think that as a teenage girl, I was angry and angsty and I literally sat up in my room as soon as I got home from sports and did my homework, went to bed, and then went to school. And on the weekends there was no time for family. It was just friends. And I think that that, like Kendall said, is honestly a phase in life. And I think as they grow older, I can assure you that family does become more important, especially in college when you move away and you realize that, oh my gosh, I'm not living with them all the time. I get to go see them and that day will come. And I think that instead of just waiting for that day to come, I completely agree with Kendall in creating experiences that your kids will enjoy, especially your daughters creating experiences that involve their hobbies, their interests. If they like horseback riding, take them to a horseback, horseback riding show. If they like shopping, take them on a shopping trip to New York City, something like that.

Kendall Robbins (00:44:44):

And including their friends and those plans. I think you did a really good job of, I know I hosted a lot more than Sawyer did at our house, but both of you were so great about you want to be around me, but if that means that I'm not going to be present with you, but I'll be outside with my friends, so be it. You were so good about that. And I think that's a huge thing for parents. If they want to be with their friends and you want to be with them, letting your kids know that your house, and I know that not everyone's homes can accommodate lots of friends and stuff, but if you have a space where you can invite your kids to be with their friends, that's huge. And they will keep bringing their friends back like I did.

Mel Robbins (00:45:24):

Here's a question from Mu. As a mom of two grown daughters and a son who's still at home, I feel very regretful. I wish I could have done things differently and now I'm seeing my screw ups play out in their lives and it overwhelms me and brings me to my knees. And yes, I tell myself, you did the best you could with what you knew, but that only gets me so far because I know in my gut I could have been doing things way differently, and yet I kept repeating the same things because I was stuck in patterns. How is parents, can we find peace now that our eyes are wide open about the mistakes that we made and actually start building a bridge back to our kids again?

Kendall Robbins (00:46:08):

I think this is a question for the both of you. Wait, no, I actually have an answer. I was going to say, can you

Sawyer Robbins (00:46:16):

Put your mic?

Kendall Robbins (00:46:17):

I was going to say tell them yes. Tell your kids how you're feeling. It's never too late to build a beautiful relationship with them. I know that we're very lucky. I'm very lucky to be a part of the Robins family, but I don't think that everybody on this podcast, everybody that's been requesting and sending in questions for my mom, tell your kids you're feeling this way. That is the most important thing you can do. It makes them feel so much more seen when you just tell them, imagine how it would feel if you just told your kid, I want to connect with you. And I feel like I fucked up a little bit in the past.

Mel Robbins (00:46:53):

It's incredible. And I often think that the most profound advice is right in front of our face. And it's true. Instead of talking to your girlfriends or your spouse, go straight to your adult kids and say, I really regret that I didn't do more with your friends. I regret that I was not around as much as I would've liked to have been. I regret that we were struggling so badly financially that I couldn't afford to do those things. And so it does make me sad, but it's one of the reasons why I'm like, oh, note to self, instead of trying to drag your kids closer to you, if you want to be close to your kids, go to them. Go to them where you said, hobbies, Sawyer. Don't make them do the shit that you like to do. Go do with your kids what they like to do, even if you don't like their friends, invite their friends to be with you because then your child is going to want to hang with you.

Sawyer Robbins (00:47:54):

I think also going off that, the perfect example that I can think of is Oakley is really into video games and used to be a gamer. A gamer. Well, he is a gamer, but

Oakley Robbins (00:48:06):

Used to be a big gamer,

Sawyer Robbins (00:48:08):

Used to be a big gamer. And obviously my dad is not, he doesn't play video games, but he brought him to a video game conference and they had an amazing time and bonded. And I think that that was so special because I'm very aware that my dad is not sitting with Oakley playing video games for eight hours every day. But the fact that he can take you to a conference and bond with you that way, even though video games is not his top of mind interest is the perfect example with diving into your kids' lives, even into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or just know nothing about. And so you got choked

Oakley Robbins (00:48:52):

Up. I would just like to say that I do not play video games for eight hours a day.

Sawyer Robbins (00:48:56):

Jesus Christ, can you

Oakley Robbins (00:48:57):

I have an imaged uphold. But yes, no, that was honestly, I was honestly a really cool experience because I don't even remember asking dad to do that with me. I remember dad just coming up to me one day and being like, Hey, there's this thing happening involving video games. What was I,

Sawyer Robbins (00:49:12):

I think it's called Anime.

Oakley Robbins (00:49:14):

No, I think what was called Pax East, I think it was called PAX East. My dad was like, there's this thing involving video games. You want to go? And I was like, yeah, I want to go with you. That'll be so much fun. And so I remember we just went and we walked around and we looked at all these booths and we played games together and it was a really cool and fun experience. And I definitely will always remember that. And it was to was really cool seeing him take interest in my life. That felt nice because it also made me feel like what I was doing was okay. There wasn't something wrong with what I enjoyed. He was willing to be like, well, let's go do something about that, which felt really nice at the time.

Mel Robbins (00:49:54):

Do you think a lot of parents make the mistake of forcing their kids to do things that they like instead of letting their kids be themselves? Yes.

Kendall Robbins (00:49:59):

Yes, yes. I think a lot of parents, sports is a big one. I mean, I think sports is, I'm not a parent so I can't really speak on this, but I think it's like there are a lot of life lessons and values in making your kids play sports. But our parents made Oakley play literally

Oakley Robbins (00:50:18):

Every single, I literally played every

Kendall Robbins (00:50:18):

Single sport, every single sport under the sun, from gymnastics, to diving, to soccer, to lacrosse. And he would play every single sport for half a season. He hated every single one of them. And my parents would pull 'em out and be like, what do you want to try next? And he would tell them, and I mean you can speak on this more because this was your experience, but I think a lot of parents, what I was going to say in general is I think what you guys have mastered is you brought us into the world, not so you could live through us, but so we could be our own people. And you have mastered the art of teetering between letting us be our own person and not being a fuck up. And I think a lot of parents bring their kids into the world so they can live through them.

(00:51:04):

And in doing that, make them play soccer until their bones are aching. Make them get straight A's because that's what they wish they would do. Make them do this, make them do that until they don't even know who the fuck they are by the time they're 22 and obviously they're not connected to their parents, then they don't know who they are. But you guys, and what I think a lot of you guys listening to this podcast, what I would advise you to do is figure out how it feels for you and what it looks like for you to bring somebody into the world so they can be their own person, not so you can make them be somebody that you wish you might've been.

Sawyer Robbins (00:51:39):

Mic drop. That was phenomenal.

Mel Robbins (00:51:41):

Boom. Yeah, that basically was it. I want to do some rapid fire questions.

Kendall Robbins (00:51:47):

Go.

Mel Robbins (00:51:47):

Okay. 18-year-old college freshman hates where she is. She's a long-term boyfriend who went to another college two hours away a month before she left for college. She wanted to switch to the college or boyfriend was attending without even touring it. What do we do? Because she loved college before she went. And then as mom says, shit got real at orientation and now she wants to leave because she doesn't like college and hasn't met friends. What do you say to your kid who does not like freshman fall of college?

Sawyer Robbins (00:52:27):

Alright, let me just tell you something. This is the story of my life. This is exactly what happened to me word for word. I went to Boston College.

Sawyer Robbins (00:52:39):

I had a boyfriend at the time who went to University of Michigan. I was obsessed with it. I was so excited to go. I was proud to be an eagle. I showed up and immediately didn't see the rah rah fraternities, sororities. I didn't have a massive friend group. I had one friend who I met at orientation, and literally for the entire year, she was my only friend. I was miserable. I sat in my room every single day bawling my eyes out, begging my parents to come pick me up or Uber me 20 minutes home because I didn't want to be there. I attempted to join a bunch of clubs to try to meet people, and I tried to take all the steps in which I thought would be the best way to meet people, et cetera, make friends. And I didn't connect with literally anyone. And so what my advice is, another part of that is I can completely relate to the high school boyfriend who is at another college. All you want to do is be with them. You just came off an amazing senior summer, you, et cetera. I'm sure you have heard this story, but my advice to you is she has to stay for a year.

(00:54:07):

I really believe this because my entire Boston College experience for my entire freshman year was horrible. And I do have to put that out there. But I went back because I didn't know where I wanted to transfer, although I wanted to transfer. And I had the best year of my entire life, my sophomore year. And I literally think that was solely because my parents forced me to stay. They said, you need to stick it through. And I honestly grew as a person so much that entire year because I was in pain, uncomfortable trying to meet new people, all of which brought me to the best people in the world at Boston College.

Mel Robbins (00:54:48):

Well, it also brought you to the best version of you. See, this is an example of guardrails. If you always allow your kid to bounce from a situation that makes him uncomfortable, their anxiety increases. And here's what you can do in that situation. You can say, I hear you. That is hard. And we're paying for the tuition, so you need to stick out the year. And if you are that miserable, here's what you could do. You can transfer. And so put all that energy into applications and figuring out where you want to go. And so you acknowledge what your child is feeling, you validate their experience so that they feel seen and heard, and then you help them come up with solutions. And one of the things that I always say to you guys, even though I know that you guys make fun of me, is do you want me to listen?

(00:55:41):

Do you want to hear my advice? What do you need? And then nine times out of 10, you guys do not want advice. You just want me to listen. And then you end up going, so should I, what do I want to do? I have another question. I think that was excellent advice. Do not rescue them. Do not let them bounce. They're nervous. Make them stick it out. And then help them think of solutions, both for sticking it out and also for changing the situation if that's what they want. Alright? In fact, your cousin is going through this right now.

Kendall Robbins (00:56:09):

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (00:56:10):

So another one.

Sawyer Robbins (00:56:11):

Wait. One more thing though also is you always said when I was complaining that I had no friends freshman year in terms of the solutions for an example of a solution, is my mom always used to say, well, why don't you just go knock on someone's door? Or why don't you Instagram DM someone to get lunch? And at first I always said, no, that's so weird. I'm not going to do that. I have no friends, et cetera. But then I started to get desperate and I started taking her advice and it actually worked. Final

Mel Robbins (00:56:44):

Question. We do not like the person that our 18-year-old is dating. On a couple of occasions. They have been rude to my husband and ever since seeing them, she doesn't talk to us like she used to. I don't trust this person. I don't think they're a good fit for my child. What do I do?

Kendall Robbins (00:57:07):

Okay, well really just singling out, Sawyer, I'm going to let you meditate on this one while I take the wheel right now.

Mel Robbins (00:57:17):

What do you not do?

Kendall Robbins (00:57:22):

What you should not do is make your daughter or your son or your child feel as though they cannot bring the significant other over. Because I think as somebody that was in a relationship that was very healthy and loving in high school, I watched my sister in a relationship that I know she was happy in for a while, but I think towards the end, whatever, it ended for a reason. But I think one of the, I watched her shut down whenever we would talk about how we felt like they weren't a good fit or we felt like maybe she wasn't herself around him. And I think that the more and more you talk about how you don't like the significant other, the more and more your daughter's going to pull away.

(00:58:03):

She's at a phase in her life. She's with this person for a reason. If it's not love, it's a lesson. She's going to learn something from it. As long as she is safe and there's no abuse going on, telling her that she can't be with him, telling her, blah, all this stuff, it's only going to push her further away from you. And I think that, again, honest and open communication, talk to her, tell her we love you, but we feel like you're not yourself around this person. Is there a reason why? Is there anything we can do? Et cetera, et cetera. Dad, go for it.

Chris Robbins (00:58:31):

Did you hear that from us, Sawyer?

Sawyer Robbins (00:58:35):

I Heard

Chris Robbins (00:58:37):

Because I think we said that. The question is whether you heard us say that.

Sawyer Robbins (00:58:40):

So the thing is, when I was in this position and you were very open and honest, made it very clear that he is more than welcome over. You guys really enjoy him, all this stuff. And I think what I heard when you would say things along the lines of, I don't think this relationship is necessarily great for you anymore. You are not yourself around him, which I think is our biggest takeaway. And they always phrase the conversation less about him and more about how I was and who I want to be and who I'm meant to be. And he was not making that possible for whatever reason, and I think that by my parents always framing the conversation and putting it back on me rather than blaming it all on my current boyfriend at the time.

(00:59:40):

It did obviously make me pull away at a bit in moment, but I think those conversations about how they were feeling and while them putting it all on me eventually made me feel essentially they always stayed in my mind. I wasn't actively listening, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with him, after those conversations, in the back of my mind, I would be questioning, is this right? Is this not right? I really love him, I want to be with him. He makes me feel comfortable, et cetera. But then in the back of my mind, I would consider, yes, but who am I? And I think that that by framing the conversation towards your daughter rather than putting all the blame on the boyfriend, I think that that obviously might not make her immediately end things, but at the same time it will stick with her forever. I can assure you that.

Mel Robbins (01:00:41):

Yeah, I think that's a good insight. So I got two things from that. Number one, again, let's go back to one of the huge takeaways. Do not drag your kids to you go to them. So being super welcoming, even if you don't like the person, I realize the rudeness is a hard thing to deal with if that's the situation. If they're not in a dangerous situation, I think the more you can make them feel welcome at your place, do things with them, take them out to dinner, the more you got eyes on 'em, the more you have a better handle on the situation. The second thing, and they're never going to want to hang out with you if you're super judgy, and I thought that dad and I, because I actually really liked who you're talking about, I just didn't like who you were in it because you changed and I think that's You want to talk too?

Oakley Robbins (01:01:36):

No, I feel like that happened to me as well.

Mel Robbins (01:01:39):

Go say something.

Oakley Robbins (01:01:41):

I don't know. Talk. I think I was in a relationship for about a year and a half, and it was a great relationship. It was very healthy, but I would say that I was not myself around my family. There was a lot of, I don't know if sneakiness is the right word, but I definitely wanted to, my biggest goal in that relationship was to make sure that she was comfortable and she was happy and she would tend to become uncomfortable in certain situations. Most of those situations involved being around my family. So whenever she'd come over, I would basically hide her away in my room because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and I was going out of my way to make sure she was comfortable. And I remember I had so many conversations with you guys about how I was different and there was nothing wrong, but you just wanted to hang out with us more and you felt like you still didn't really know her. And I think throughout the whole entire relationship, those thoughts never left my mind. So was saying they were always in the back.

Kendall Robbins (01:02:52):

I was going to say that's, thank you for sharing snaps for Oakley.

Oakley Robbins (01:02:56):

Thank you.

Kendall Robbins (01:02:56):

Thank you. What I was going to say is I think, like I said before, as somebody that was in the opposite of that kind of relationship, me and my high school boyfriend didn't leave my parents alone, but I would witness you guys always having conversations with Sawyer and I witness some of the conversations you had with Oakley just like about the significant other and about how these two were being in that relationship. And I think back to the whole honest communication thing, you would always have these conversations, nonjudgmental conversations with both of my siblings to the point where you were open and honest about how you felt and how you were noticing their behavior change. But it was never judgmental. It was never like, you need to break up with him. You need to do this. To the point where I think it almost made them feel more comfortable talking to you about it because then when Sawyer would have issues with this guy or Oakley would have issues with his girlfriend, they would still come and talk to you because they know that you wouldn't be like, well, now's your time to break up with them.

(01:03:57):

You have to break up with them. You would just be like, okay, how are you feeling? Do you know what I mean?

Mel Robbins (01:04:02):

I don't get the sense we were like that with Sawyer. You were like that with me.

Kendall Robbins (01:04:04):

Wait, I feel like you were whenever she

Mel Robbins (01:04:06):

Had, I don't know, Sawyer's Sawyer's experience.

Sawyer Robbins (01:04:10):

No, I agree. I think that what, and obviously once again, I'm the oldest child, so I was the first rodeo, but I think that what happened was at first it was very, oh, well I don't think you guys should be together. I think you should break up overpowering. And then I think they sensed that I was pulling away and then all of a sudden they made a flip and it was constantly like, oh, well what are you and so-and-so up to tonight, you guys are more than welcome to come back over and hang out here. We'd love to see him, we'd love to see you. We can cook you dinner. And I think that unfortunately I had already seen the first side of things, so I was already self-conscious about how they felt, et cetera, and like Oakley hid him away in my room every time we hung out, but I did really appreciate the shift in communication and understanding of where I was coming from.

Chris Robbins (01:05:07):

You did that. You created a little hideout for her boyfriend. No. No, not

Mel Robbins (01:05:14):

In relation to mine in the room while they were together. All, all right. One final one, and I think this is important given the rise of mental health issues right now in middle schoolers, we're not sure high schoolers and everyone, we're not sure why, but our 12-year-old daughter is being excluded from her friend group. I often hear her crying in a room, but when I talk to her about it, she won't tell me anything. What do I do?

Sawyer Robbins (01:05:47):

That's a hard one.

Oakley Robbins (01:05:48):

You could try relating to her telling her opening up to her first and then seeing if she'll respond like that. I feel like everybody has a situation in their middle school or high school days where something shitty happens in a friend group and I feel like if you go to her and you're like, look, I noticed that something's going on in your friend group when I was so-and-so age, this happened to me, and it may make her feel more inclined to say something.

Kendall Robbins (01:06:10):

I think another thing too is when you do broach the conversation, even if she's very quick to not say anything back to you, make it very clear that you're just there to listen and you just want to be there for her and that you're not going to do anything because I think a lot of middle schoolers are petrified that if I tell my mom that I'm getting bullied, she's going to go and yell at all the bullies and then I'm going to get bullied triple the amount of times I'm already getting bullied, so make it clear to her, I will not be telling your teachers scolding anybody. I am your teammate in whatever you need me to be. I will be for you, but please just let me be there for you.

Mel Robbins (01:06:57):

I think that last part's genius,

Kendall Robbins (01:06:59):

Don't to promise

Mel Robbins (01:07:00):

You're not going to do anything,

Kendall Robbins (01:07:01):

Promise you're not going to do anything about it, just promise you're going to listen.

Mel Robbins (01:07:04):

If you could tell parents listening, 1, 2, 3, just any behavior change specifically that they could adopt today that would help them create a better relationship with their kids, what are something that you could do specifically that would really help?

Sawyer Robbins (01:07:23):

One thing, stop grounding your kids. I can assure you it does nothing but make them want to retreat and do the complete opposite of what you're telling them not to do.

Mel Robbins (01:07:34):

What should they do instead?

Sawyer Robbins (01:07:40):

Honestly, have the conversation and explain why it upset you and why it made you frustrated with why they did it. And I think just if it happens again, if it happens again, then let's discuss it then and then we can talk about a punishment. But the grounding thing, I can assure you, all my friends used to get grounded and as soon as their quote, punishment or grounding ended, they would go

Sawyer Robbins (01:08:10):

The second they were ungrounded, they would go straight to the party and they would go straight to doing double the amount that they were doing before. So I can assure you, grounding, please just stop it. Really, really, I've never seen it work on anyone.

Kendall Robbins (01:08:27):

I would say be vulnerable with your children. I cry in front of them, be sad in front of them, be happy in front. Emote in front of them in a real authentic way like how you would with your own friends and people your age. I think that's like you're just showing them that you're human. That's what they're trying to be too. I

Oakley Robbins (01:08:54):

Would definitely say just be there for your kid. Be their backup. Always let them know that you have their back and you're going to be there to help them whenever they need it no matter what.

Sawyer Robbins (01:09:03):

I think another thing that we talked about earlier is make sure that when you are with your kid and you're listening to your kid, you make it very, very clear that what they say to you will go nowhere. And that means not to your spouse, not to your friend, not to your dog, literally anyone. It is just between you two because I can assure you it feels so invalidating to tell a parent something and then either even say, I tell my mom something and then the next day my dad comes to me and asks if I'm okay about that. That doesn't feel good because I felt like I was in a trust circle with her and I just wanted her to know that, and so I really think that making sure your kid knows that it's just going to stay between you two and then it actually does, and then you don't go on your walk with all your girlfriends the next day and explain your kid's biggest issue is seriously crucial.

Kendall Robbins (01:10:17):

I'm not going to butt that. Yeah, just have your kids back. Same umbrella. Trust. If you give your kids your trust, I think just trust them. Let out the leash a little bit and trust that, yeah, they might fall, but they're still in the damn leash. Yank them back. You know what I mean? Trust them. Be vulnerable with them. Go to them. Take interest in what they're interested in. Don't ground them. Have conversations with them. Be honest with them. All we're saying is just be a human being to them. You're no different now that you're a parent. I mean, obviously yes, you are different. You have a lot more responsibilities, but you still are made of the same chemicals and feel the same emotions. Why would you turn that off? They want to see that too. That's the most important thing you can do is just be a human be you

Oakley Robbins (01:11:10):

Request.

Mel Robbins (01:11:10):

We have to listen back. Listen back. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Guys, thank you. Are we going to do the I love you. No, no, goodbye. Let's huddle. Let's do our huddle. Okay. We're going to huddle everybody. We do a family huddle. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician for professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.

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Key takeaways

You will never have real connection with your kids unless you're willing to be vulnerable, show emotion, and let them see you be fully human.
When your child opens up, make it crystal clear that what they say stays between you, or you'll lose their trust, and they won’t share again.
If you don’t like who your child is dating, shift the conversation to who they are becoming, not what's wrong with the other person.
Your child might pull away, but if you keep inviting, stay interested, and don’t take the silence personally, you’ll stay connected.
If you want a real relationship, stop dragging your kid to you. Go to them, and do the things that make them feel **seen, safe, and valued.

Guests Appearing in this Episode

Oakley Robbins

Oakley Robbins is Mel's son and speaks from his perspective as a 19 year old navigating today’s challenges.

Sawyer Robbins

Sawyer is Mel's oldest daughter and the co-author of The Let Them Theory.

Chris Robbins

Chris Robbins is a business leader, entrepreneur, and advocate for personal development, inspiring others to reach their full potential through his wellness project, Soul Degree. He is also Mel's husband.

Resources

- The Washington Post: 8 ways parents can teach their teens to be honest.
- Mt. Sinai School of Medicine: New fascinating research around drug addiction.
- Dr. Thomas Gordon: Parent Effectiveness Training (popular book for parents)
- American Psychological Association: Family routines can improve health.
- Harvard Business School: Family rituals can improve your holidays.
- UC, Berkeley: 3 ways to change your parenting for the teen years.

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