You Asked, I Answered: Don’t Blame Me for Delivering the Hard Truth

(01:38):

What are we going to call this type of episode? A little bit of everything. A little bit of everything with Mel Robbins and your burning questions answered maybe. Yeah. I dunno. Something.

 

Amy (01:50):

Exactly.

 

Mel Robbins (01:51):

Okay, you want to jump right in? We're going to jump right in. Anything goes. Everything's on the table. And don't fucking blame me because you asked me.

 

Amy (02:00):

There you go. Alright, first question. Jeanie wants to know, Mel, when do I know when it's time to walk away from a friendship?

(03:16):

You're the one that is always asking about them. You're the one that is always making the plans. You're the one that is always reaching out and you are not seeing that reciprocated. And the thing about friendship that we don't think about is not everybody's supposed to be in your life forever. And I don't know where we all got this idea that you have to be lifelong friends with everybody. You're not going to be because friendship is about energy exchange. It's about a vibe. It's about you and this person being in a place in your lives where you are able to bring out the best in one another. You're able to support one another. You can laugh together. And sometimes those friendships are because of circumstance. It's because of where you live or where you work or who your kids are friends with or who your partner is friends with.

 

(04:14):

And that's how you came to be. And I talked about this with my daughter a lot about a relationship that ended that sometimes your friendships or your relationships make a lot of sense when you share a container of college or a job or being of a certain relationship status or living in a certain place. And what you'll find in life is when the container disappears, oftentimes the binds that kept you in the friendship disappear as well. And that's normal. And it means you are meant to pour your energy into other friendships. And so you will know when a friendship is no longer worth investing in because you have been feeling this way for a while and you have checked in with said person. And there is not something devastating or difficult going on with them such that they need your support. And here's the other thing, if you have a friend that's been down for a long ass time and you have been their support system and over the course of the years you're not getting anything back or very little back, it's okay to pull back. It's okay to spend less energy. You're not abandoning them entirely, but nobody said that your life had to be about pouring into other people and expecting nothing in return. You get to spend your time and energy on relationships that lift you up, that fulfill you. And there's nothing selfish about it. In fact, I think it is. It's life sustaining when you do that.

 

Amy (06:01):

Absolutely. So you said you could pull back. What does that look like? You don't answer their calls or their texts or what do you think that looks like for Jeannie?

 

Mel Robbins (06:11):

I think that that could look like only reaching out once every two weeks instead of once a week. It means not answering their texts the moment that they text you, it means not feeling obligated to invite them to the party that they're throwing. Stop and think about, well, what are you getting in return for your

 

Amy (06:33):

Effort?

 

Mel Robbins (06:35):

Because there is a reciprocal nature to friendships. Friendships are not one way. And what you often find in a relationship is when you stop putting in the effort, the relationship completely disappears. And what you come to realize is, holy shit, this actually wasn't a friendship. This was me chasing something and this was me thinking that the relationship was something more than what this person thought it was. And the same is true in romantic relationships that a lot of times when you let the person reveal who they really are, you stop chasing them. You realize, oh, I was just in a relationship with the possibility and the potential of who this person and what this could be. And the second I stopped living in a fantasy and I started pulling back the chase and I just started seeing how this person showed up, I realized, oh shit.

 

(07:32):

I've been in a fantasy land in this relationship for a long time, pretending that it was something else. And that's a painful moment, but I'd rather you do that on your own than have somebody rip out the rug from underneath you because you were too scared or too stupid or too blind by your own fantasy or chasing or insecurity that you didn't wake up and drop the reins and realize you're the one putting in all the effort. Right. Makes a lot of sense. And here's the other thing, everybody's busy. I also feel like I've got a hundred people or more that I think are really awesome that I never see that I don't have time to text. And guess what? They don't have time to text me either. And I feel like life has gotten so busy and people move a lot in modern life.

 

(08:27):

It's not like it was when our parents or grandparents were around where everybody stayed in the same state or county. And so I also think you got to upgrade your definition of friendship in general, to not have to mean that you have to be in constant contact with people. Some of my favorite people in the entire fucking world live the furthest away from me. I almost never see them. We text back and forth. We did not raise our kids together. And yet if they needed me, I would be on a plane every time they call or they text once a year, whatever. I smile. And so also don't cryp this friendship thing so tight because I think you have a lot more friends than you realize you may not be spending time with them. And instead you're pouring energy into people who are not giving it back to you. And that's when you got to pull in them theory, just like stop chasing everybody. Stop pouring into things that don't give you energy back. And then when you stop doing it and you let the other person show up or not, now you know what you're

 

Amy (09:38):

Dealing with. Awesome. Love that. Upgrade your friendship expectations from Natasha, I'm not going to say anybody's last name because we're all on a first name basis here. Exactly. Okay. From Natasha. And she says, Mel,

Mel Robbins (09:58):

I'm going to give you a simple tool,

 

Amy (10:00):

Use

 

Mel Robbins (10:01):

Objectification and literally take somebody that you respect and ask yourself, what would so-and-so do? Love that. That's it. That's it. And here's what you're going to notice. If you were to say, well, what would Mel Robbins do? You can borrow confidence. You can borrow decisiveness from other people. I'm a very decisive person. If you feel a little, you know what I would do? Here's the way I want you to think about that. Like insecurity.

 

Amy (10:35):

I don't want to do that. That's just

 

Mel Robbins (10:36):

Fear. That's just fear makes sense because you're picking a person that you respect or you're picking a person who has what you want. And so when you ask yourself, what would so-and-so do? What would the rock do in this situation? What would my mentor do in this situation? If you get a little bristle when you get the answer, that's just your fear. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Boom, go.

 

Amy (10:58):

I love that. So pick your person.

 

Mel Robbins (11:00):

Yep.

 

Amy (11:00):

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Boom, boom, go. And then all the overthinking, Natasha out the window. 

Mel Robbins (11:11):

Oh, you prove what you want. So most of us do not do our homework, and the homework that you're doing is typically the wrong homework. So typically what people do when they go in to negotiate some sort of salary increase is that you do  a comparison of the job title in the area that you live, but that's not necessarily relevant to your employer. What's more relevant to your employer is you proving to your employer the amount of things and the contribution that you're making specifically to the bottom line and to the things that matter. Because if you can walk in armed with all the things you're doing that impact the bottom line with the problems that you've solved, what you've actually shown me is that you're invaluable. And what somebody else is paying somebody else with your title at another company is completely irrelevant to me as your boss because a lot of bosses feel not conflicted, but almost like, okay, if you want to go make that go work there. Show me that you've earned that. And if you really start to pay attention and keep track of all the contributions you're making and the problems that you're solving and how that impacts the bottom line, now you're proving value and you might be even worth more than what that salary analysis shows you.

 

Amy (12:35):

Nice. Awesome. Alright. What were your dreams, Mel? As a young girl,

Amy (13:01):

Yet you didn't do that

 

Mel Robbins (13:02):

Yet? No. Well, I'm not planning on it. It doesn't call to me anymore.

 

Amy (13:07):

I

 

Mel Robbins (13:07):

Think it was more of an admiration than a dream of my own

 

Amy (13:11):

Because

 

Mel Robbins (13:12):

If I were really to dig deep, I think what I really wanted to do was be a performer. Wow. I think it was the seeing artists on stage, seeing singing and acting and plays and that kind of stuff really brought me alive. Even if you went into church and there was a sermon that really stirred something in you that's really, if I dig deep, I wanted to do something like that, but I didn't know what that meant. And so I would just say, I really want to be a doctor. And all it took was freshmen intro to I think it was either biology or chemistry class. And I'm like, this ain't for me. No, no, thank

 

Amy (13:55):

You. Right. So it evolved from being a doctor to performer and then when did you know, you were like, well,

 

Mel Robbins (14:02):

Oh, not that. No, literally I became a history and a film major and I got, they called it a certificate. I got a certificate in women's studies. So I was a double major in American history and filmmaking, and I got a certificate in women's studies. And the other big thing that I did is I was a volunteer crisis intervention counselor. I would volunteer a couple times a month taking calls on a domestic violence hotline.

 

Amy (14:31):

Wow. Nice Mel. Okay, so Trinny says, Hey, Mel. No question. I just wanted to let you know that you are my north star. I love you,

 

Mel Robbins (14:40):

Mel. Oh, I love you Trinity.

 

Amy (14:42):

Okay, so next question. How do you get people to go to therapy but refuse to say that they need it? So how do you get people to go to therapy when you know they need it and they refuse?

 

Mel Robbins (14:56):

Well, you can't make anybody do anything, but you can make it clear what your boundaries are. 

(16:53):

And so I look at therapy as a luxury. I think it's a privilege, and I believe it is something that every human being on the planet deserves. Just like when you go to an elementary school or middle school or high school and there's a school counselor that is a resource that is there in order to help you be successful. And that's what I see about therapy. And so I would start to talk about therapy very differently because when you tell somebody they need to go to therapy, you're basically saying you're fucked up and you need to do something about it. And so that's confronting. No wonder who wants to go to therapy when you feel like it must mean something's wrong with you. So to me, therapy is an incredible gift you give to yourself if you can afford it, if you have access to it, that's one thing.

 

(17:43):

Second thing is that if somebody understood that a therapist or the right therapist could help them achieve goals and be more successful and happy in life, and you frame it around the change and the opportunity, that's more enticing, isn't it? Wouldn't you love to go to talk to somebody if you knew that it would make you feel better if you knew it would make you feel more motivated and capable and courageous and confident? Wouldn't you love to talk to somebody who could help you strategize about how to deal with things at work, how to diffuse situations with your family? That's what you're doing there. It's not kind of that caricature that we all have in our minds where you're laying on a couch, staring at a ceiling and somebody is taking notes and looking at a different direction as you blob on and on and on about the sob story.

 

(18:40):

That's your life. That is not what my therapy sessions are like, and that's not what therapy has to be. And so I think you could frame it differently. Now, one other thing, you tee it up like that and then you got to use the let them theory again. Let them decide whether they're going or not, because again, you can't force somebody, you can't shame somebody. You can't drag them. If you're a parent, of course you have agency over your kids and you should empower your kids to talk to a therapist if you think it would help, but I'm talking adult to adult. That said, you got to let them make a decision, but then you've got to let yourself express what you need. It is 1000% your responsibility to say to somebody, I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you have depression. I can't handle this on my own.

 

(19:42):

It is killing me to watch you struggle and I need you to see a therapist and I've found one and I have made an appointment for you. It is your call if you're going to go or not. I've done the work, but I'm asking you because I'm so worried about you to go see this person and talk to them and get some support. If they say no, now you can express a boundary. I can't be in this relationship if you're not going to get help for your depression. I will not stay married to you if you do not get help for your addiction. I will have to end this if you cannot be sober and if you refuse to get help, I am very scared that you're not going to be successful and I would love for you to be successful. And so how you go about it is yours.

 

(20:44):

But if you're not going to address this, then I'm not going to stay. And that's on you. That's not manipulation. That's clear communication. See, what most of us do is we badger somebody to go to therapy and then we get pissed off when they don't go or they go once and then they bark about the therapist. And then you know what we do? We never express a boundary. We just build up resentment. And then that resentment builds within us and we don't express it. It comes out in barking and this and that and fighting and no longer having sex with the person and just being kind of angry and frustrated when this whole thing could have been fixed by you being a clear communicator. And sometimes a clear communicator means if you don't do X, then I'm not going to be in this relationship. That's what a boundary is. It's a clear line in the sand. There isn't a lot of gray in this area because most relationships die on the vine because of built up resentment. And the reason why resentments build up is because you're not fucking talking about the things you feel about.

 

Amy (21:50):

Absolutely.

 

Mel Robbins (21:51):

Did I go off track there? I don't

 

Amy (21:52):

Know. I think a lot of people are going to have stern conversations with their partners tonight after hearing that. I love that. Or me. And look,

 

Mel Robbins (22:00):

You don't have to be like, I'm out of here after 17 years of marriage because people don't pivot on a dime. But you can say, I'm worried about this. I'm giving you three months to deal with it. I want you to go to therapy. I've done the research. Here is the person I am asking that you do. I did this with Chris. He was struggling with major depression for, I mean, it turns out like seven years. Thank God he had healthy habits or the guy probably would've died from it. And by healthy habits, I meant waking up every morning, meditating every morning, going for a walk in the woods every morning doing work that made him feel like he was doing something meaningful, writing in his journal every single day talking to a therapist, but he did not want to face a depression diagnosis. And he felt that if he took medication, it would be weak.

 

(22:54):

And I was concerned that all of the fucking meditating was making the depression worse because he was isolated. And there is new research out that shows that too much meditation can make depression worse because you are sitting in your thoughts. And it was in my opinion, making it worse for Chris. And I had to finally, after two years of watching him get worse and worse, go, look, here's my boundary, because what you're doing is not working. You need to go on the medication that the psycho pharmacologist and our marriage counselor have both recommended, and you need to take it for a fucking year. And if you can't do that, this marriage won't work. I can't sit here and watch you get worse. And have you argue against the thing that the professionals are telling you to do? And he took the medication and do I feel like I won? No. I feel like I expressed a boundary and that freed me of any resentment and desire to control him, and it made me feel safe. And that medication gave him a ladder to climb out of the mental hole. And after a year he went off it and he's been great. And in the words of our therapist, the medication got him out of that spiral, which allowed the therapy we were doing to work.