Never Enough: 7 Ways to Protect Yourself (and Your Kids) From Toxic Pressure
The Mel Robbins Podcast with Jennifer Wallace
In this episode, award-winning Harvard-educated journalist and researcher Jenny Wallace is here to discuss “toxic achievement” and the toxic pressure that makes you feel that no matter what you do or what level of success you achieve, it will never be enough.
You feel toxic pressure at work, and you feel toxic pressure at home. Jenny Wallace, who just completed a major research study with over 6,000 kids and their parents, is here to tell you this unhealthy pressure is trickling down to your kids, who are buckling under the never-ending demands to measure up.
Whether you are sick of spending every weekend racing from one sporting event or club team practice to another, or you are tired of the never-ending video calls that keep you working day and night, one thing is clear: something has to give.
Your worth is not determined by the things you achieve.
Jenny Wallace is here with the research and the findings that say all this pressure is backfiring because all anyone really wants is to feel like they matter.
According to her research, there are seven changes you can make that will boost your kids’ confidence and resilience and get you off this hamster wheel that is leading nowhere.
If you struggle with work-life balance and feel burned out, the research will empower you to:
- Learn the one question to ask your kid that shows you love them
- Stop working yourself into the ground to prove your worth
- Why you are your harshest critic and the simple things you need to do to become your biggest fan
- Snip the tie between achievement and self-worth
- Unplug yourself from the stress loop of other people and never get rattled again
- The 3 things you can do to show people you love that they matter to you
- Stop beating yourself up for not having the perfect home or getting A’s on every test, and prioritize what really matters instead
I want you to get off the hamster wheel and stop being obsessed with achieving, having, and winning.
You hold the key to helping yourself and others feel like they matter in this world.
It’s time to unlock it.
In this episode:
- 1:00: Not gonna lie; I started freaking out big time after this conversation.
- 5:30: What exactly is grind culture?
- 7:40: The opposite of toxic achievement is healthy achievement.
- 8:30: How did we get sucked into this way of thinking?
- 10:00: Harvard survey learned powerful information about parents.
- 14:00: Students who felt this were more likely to be healthy achievers.
- 17:25: What is social proof and why is that such a big deal?
- 18:40: Kids who feel they don’t matter will find ways to prove they do.
- 20:00: Do this when you don’t feel like you matter.
- 23:10: The one question you can ask to let your kids know they matter.
- 25:30: 80% of workers have not heard this from their bosses last year.
- 27:10: Many people don’t express their gratitude for others because of this.
- 28:00: Here is what to say to your kid when they get a bad grade.
- 28:30: A mantra to play on repeat with your family.
- 30:30: Why good enough is perfect.
- 32:00: The #1 intervention for any kid, and adult, in distress.
- 33:30: An incredible study of mothers who met to share their struggles.
- 37:30: How do we parents erode our kids’ self-confidence?
- 39:00: Keep this phrase in your head to let your kids know they matter.
- 40:40: How are household chores helpful for kids?
- 42:00: Say this to your kids to get them to do their chores.
- 46:00: Jennifer stopped doing this with her kids after reading the research.
- 48:20: Focus on these values at home instead.
- 49:05: Forget the grades and focus on what teachers say about your kids.
- 50:00: The one question to ask teachers at your next conference.
- 51:00: We all have a responsibility to do this and it will come back to us.
Resources and go deeper:
- Get a copy of Jennifer’s book, Never Enough, here.
- Take Jennifer’s Achievement Culture survey here.
- Follow her on Instagram here.
- Follow her on Facebook here
- Take the Values in Action Survey that Jennifer Wallace refers to.
- Join The Mattering Movement here.
- Sage Journals: An introduction and conceptual analysis of mattering.
- Scientific American: Do you matter to others? It could impact your mental health.
- The New York Times: Want to believe in yourself? Mattering is key.
- Psychology Today: Why mattering is so important to our mental health.
- Harvard Business Review: 7 ways to make employees feel respected.
- Neuroscience News: Children’s chores improve brain function.
- Inc. Magazine: Kids who do chores are more likely to be successful adults.
- CNBC: 7 big parenting mistakes that destroy kids’ self-confidence.
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