You’re Not Obsessed With Your Ex, Patsy; You’re an Addict

Amy (00:12):

He says, how do I show my wife love and bring back intimacy after having a new baby?

Mel Robbins (00:17):

What Phil's actually asking is, when can we have sex again

Amy (00:21):

From Missy? Do you believe in God? Mel, how do I stop looking at my ex's social media? But listen to this, I'm seven years split. She says,

Mel Robbins (00:30):

Oh God,

Amy (00:32):

Tell Patsy what does she need to do?

Mel Robbins (00:35):

How's that

Amy (00:36):

Mic drop?

Mel Robbins (00:40):

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. So a couple weeks ago, I, for the first time took a bunch of your questions, rapid fire. It was such a fricking home run that you nearly crashed our website@melrobbins.com with more questions. And so we're going to do it again today, and if you guys continue to crash our website, just go to mel robbins.com/podcast and you could submit a topic. We're going to keep on doing this. So without further ado, you ask, I answer, and my friend and colleague, Amy McGlynn, who you've heard on this podcast is going to be reading your questions. Rapid fire. Let's fucking go.

Amy (01:25):

Okay, Lee asks you, Mel, what are things you've learned from these guest speakers you've had on the podcast that you've implemented yourself?

Mel Robbins (01:35):

Oh, I love this. Isn't that a great question? Question? Yes. Okay. So number one is we did an episode on anxiety, and that was with Dr. Russell Kennedy. And when he started talking about the alarm in your body and calling anxiety alarm and that the anxiety alarm is always the little you feeling separate that it rings in moments where you feel separate from other people, separate from your power, that you feel alone in something and soothing that part of yourself and telling yourself it's going to be okay. That has been a huge thing for me. Also, a thing that I've learned from multiple experts, this just keeps coming up as a theme, is that all mental health issues, we tend to immediately think it's about your mind and thoughts. And the truth is the most effective solutions, and this has been true in my life, but I keep hearing our experts say this, are from the neck down.

(02:53):

So all of the changes that you can make to your physical habits, to taking care of your nervous, the things that I do, I don't lay in bed in the morning. I get right out of bed, I make my bed, I get outside and see bright light right away to reset the circadian rhythms. I take a walk outside and I don't listen to anything. That's something I learned on this podcast as a way to boost my mood first thing in the morning and to just feel better and it's something I can do. Let's see, a third thing. Oh, intermittent fasting. I learned so much from Dr. Mindy Peltz so much and the intermittent fasting of going for a 12 to 16 hour window of not eating every day for 21 days and then taking seven days off because I'm a woman and of my that I've implemented it is changed the game. And let me think of a final thing. Dana k White changed my goddamn life. Yes, she did. And ours too, in the podcast studio room, oh my gosh,

Amy (04:06):

She cleaned up.

Mel Robbins (04:07):

I no longer organize. I use her tidying method and I am forever walking around the house with something in my hand because of this trick that she taught us where you, instead of making piles of things that you then didn't take other places, the second you see something in a room that you're standing in that doesn't belong there, you grab it and you walk it to where it belongs. It's changed everything. I used to be the pile, put things in basket, buy a container, organize the shit, and she'd made me realize I have too many things in my life, which is why things are never organized. So getting rid of things and tidying up as a lifestyle has just been a game changer.

Mel Robbins (05:20):

You need to block them. You literally delete their contact information because Patsy, you're a fucking addict. You know it. You're addicted to it. You are addicted to the negative sensation. You are intentionally getting a rush of dopamine by being curious and then stalking and then feeling bad about it. And it is a very damaging and toxic cycle. And there is no way that you will move on in life and have a healthy relationship until you end this relationship with the past. It's almost like somebody that's addicted to watching horror movies. And a lot of the research shows that people who love horror movies have trauma because there's something familiar about feeling that intensity. And I don't know if you block somebody, can you look at them need? Can somebody research this and come back to it? Because I want to give a specific example of how you do this because you need to not have access to them on social media.

(06:29):

In fact, I don't know. I think this is absolutely devastating behavior and the fact that you're confessing it to me, you know it is. And you can't help yourself and you can blame your brain. And the way that we get addicted to the kind of crash of emotions and the buildup of looking and then feeling conflicted about 'em, this is the exact same cycle that somebody that drinks too much feels somebody that gambles too much feels you need to treat this like an addiction, which means however it is that you can remove access to their accounts. You have to do it. You have to do it, but you can't trust yourself. Oh, thank you. You can't trust yourself. Yeah,

Amy (07:20):

It says here from just a quick Google search. No, you can't. Once you block someone, you cannot see their profile and they can't view yours. Great.

Mel Robbins (07:30):

So there's the answer. You have to block them, block them on every single platform because you cannot trust yourself. You are an addict to this because of the emotional and chemical and all the fancy shit in your brain, the neurotransmitters this, the receptors that are firing. And so there's your answer. 

Amy (08:30):

It, kick it to the curb. Next question, sir. Ruby says, Mel, what's your star sign? What is a star sign? Like your astrological sign? Oh, is that what it's called? I mean, that's what we're going to call it. Okay. She means sun sign, star sign.

Mel Robbins (08:43):

I dunno, I don't know my I am a Libra.

Amy (08:47):

You're a Libra. I'm a Libra. Does that mean anything to

Mel Robbins (08:49):

You? Well, I was born on October 6th, and what I have learned is that apparently the most common birthdays on the planet are October 1st through the seventh. Why New Year's baby? And is that too much information? Now everybody who's got an October birthday is thinking about their parents having sex on New Year's. I like to think like the Libra sign, I'm a very balanced person, and when I get out of balance, like I erupt, I apologize and come back in. It doesn't mean I'm always perfect and imbalanced, but I feel best in alignment.

Amy (09:33):

Alright, here's a good one,

Mel Robbins (09:34):

Okay,

Amy (09:34):

From Missy. She says, Mel, do you have faith in a higher power? Do you believe in God?

Mel Robbins (09:40):

I believe in a higher power. And I don't know what that is. I believe that we are all connected. I believe that there is some greater force that is good. I believe in faith. I believe that there are signs from the universe that are trying to get your attention and that are there to remind you that you're heading in the right direction. I believe that you are meant for something extraordinary, and that when you allow yourself to believe that deep in your heart, and if you have the courage to wake up every day and look for signs that you're headed on the right direction, that people are crossing your path, that all of a sudden, 

(10:48):

These are anchor points that come from some greater force and energy that connects us all. And we have the saying around here, the portal is open. And what that means is if you open yourself up to the possibility that there is something greater in store for you, and what's required of you is the courage to believe that. And what's required of you is the clarity every day to be open to signs that are consistent with something greater. And it's everywhere. And so I'm going to tell you a quick story. So you've heard a lot about our daughter, Kendall, and we did an episode on imposter syndrome where she shared very, very openly about being at her first music festival. And her career goal is to be a touring singer, songwriter, write her own music, go on global tours, inspire and empower people with her music.

(11:57):

That is her goal. That is her dream. That is what she studied in college and that is what she is now out in Los Angeles trying to do. And so she goes to this music festival and feels like a complete imposter because there she is backstage and seeing all these famous musicians that have inspired her at the Newport Folk Festival. And for the first six hours she was paralyzed. And then she was like, fuck it. I can either stand here with a white claw in my hand and feel like a stupid ass, or I can just start using something that I have, which is my sense of humor. I don't have any music on Spotify. Nobody knows who the fuck I am. I'm a nobody in a business that I want to be a somebody in, but I can at least make people laugh. And so she started talking to people and she ends up meeting this guy, hi Phil, how are you, Phil?

(12:50):

Thanks for being nice to Kendall, Phil. And so they start laughing up a storm, right? And all of a sudden Phil says to Ken, random question, but if you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be? And she's like, honestly, kind of a sloppy tuna salad sandwich, not on the toast, but on the white bread. And they're laughing and then they go get a tuna sandwich and then they're talking and they become friends. Little does she know that this guy is like the OG when it comes to being a music, a keyboardist, a producer, a songwriter. He is a major deal. She has no idea. So that night, he is at a set and he's warming up and she's sitting in the audience and she is sitting there thinking as she's watching this very, very accomplished, regarded OG of a dude playing the piano.

(13:50):

And she's like, mom, I've never seen anybody play that. He becomes a piano's just incredible. And she's sitting there thinking to herself, and this is what I mean by being clear and having the portal open. If they were to ask me to warm up mics right now, what song would I sing? And she thinks to herself, Bonnie Ray, 

(14:50):

And then he said, why don't we perform it tomorrow night? And they did at the fucking Newport Folk Festival. And then all these people came up to her from all these crazy bands, which I won't name. Like we got to do sessions. How did you get on stage with Phil? He's like the goat man. What was it like to play with him? And so the point of the story is that there is help all around you that the world is aligned to help you when you become aligned with what is true for you, when you get over your own bullshit and you allow yourself to believe in what you want, and then you have the courage to just push through the fear and start connecting with people. And when you are open to the possibility of even just sitting there, she could have just sat there in the auditorium and watched him.

(16:14):

So if you think about you when you were in your mother's stomach and there you are, you're about to be born, you're happy as a clam. Your only reality is that world inside of her, it is warm. It is safe. You have food on tap. You are in sync with somebody else's heartbeat. You are about to be born into another world of which you have no understanding of consciousness. And I believe that when you die, the same thing happens. And you are born into a whole different world that we have no consciousness of. That's what I believe. I never heard it put that way, Mel, how did you come up with that idea? I have no fucking idea.

Amy (17:10):

That's incredible.

Mel Robbins (17:11):

Yeah. It was not what they taught in Methodist church, which is what I

Amy (17:16):

Grew up, or biology class

Mel Robbins (17:17):

Or I don't know. I just think about it on a spiritual plane. I really do. And I grew up going to church, and I am one of those people that believes in the, what do they call it? The works. I think of Jesus Christ as a historical figure, but that that's a person that is no more representation of God or the universe than you or me, that it's really inside of you. This ability to connect to something deeper and to act in the outside world as if you give a shit about people.

Amy (17:57):

Gorgeous. Well, I'm glad Missy asked that question. Me too. Great question. Okay, here's the next one. How do you deal Mel with difficult parents of your kids' friends? So this person's in a friend group with her kids' friends, and these other parents are being pains in the asses.

Mel Robbins (18:19):

It depends on the ages of your kids. Okay, I'm going to say that again. It depends on the ages of your kids because when your kids are little and they run in packs and you've got parents of one of your kids' friends micromanaging. So I'll just give you a very common scenario. You have a group of friends, and what always happens with groups of friends in elementary and middle school is that they travel in packs and then all of a sudden they start to splinter off. There's always one parent who tries desperately to keep the larger pack together when their kids stops getting invited to certain things. Or let's say there's six boys or six girls that hang out and then all of a sudden three of them are having a sleepover. The pain in the ass parent will make it their number one goal to figure out how to get their kid invited.

(19:16):

And how do they do that? By contacting other, you're leaving my kid. And there comes a time where kids need to be able to have their own fucking relationships and your kid does not and should not be included. Maybe your kid is annoying, maybe these are bad kids, and your kid is the good kid and the bad kids doesn't want the good kids. So you actually don't want your kid with those bad kids, but you don't know because you're insecure. And you think that the fact that your kid is not getting included means something bad about you. No, it doesn't. It means these fucking kids don't want to hang out with your kid anymore. And why would you want your kid to be hanging out with kids who don't want to hang out with them? So you getting involved means you're pushing your kid into a situation where they're not wanted.

(20:02):

How fucked up is that? And so it depends on the age of the parent because parents manage everything until a certain age. And then the kids start to manage things. And the breakdowns start to begin when kids get cell phones and they start making their own arrangements for sleepovers, and people get left off of text chains. And you as a parent have to understand you're not going to get invited to everything. Your kid is not going to get invited to everything. And the more of a fucking big deal you make it, the worse your kid is going to feel. And the more your kid is not invited, the more it's on you to start facilitating ways for them to meet people that will be better friends for them instead of chasing the people who are not. And I also feel like parents become pains in the asses. They become pains in the asses because of their own insecurity, and then they thrust it into a kid's social dynamic. And you see it all the time with that sort of fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grade lane.

(21:07):

And so how you deal with it depends on the age of their kids. And I also find that just having a direct conversation is the best way to deal with it

Amy (21:21):

With the parent, parent to parent.

Mel Robbins (21:23):

If the parent is kind of trying to pull the, we didn't get into money's feeling left out, just be like, look, I'm not going to facilitate my kids' friendships. They're at an age where they can be friends with who they want to be friends with. And it's not about leaving people out because you're not obligated to invite anybody but your cousins. And even then you get to an age where you don't have to invite your cousins. Yeah, yeah, I get that. I don't know. It's just parents acting like shit is about parents insecurity. And it means the parents, the parents in my opinion, who are acting like shit are extremely insecure people. The people that need their kid to be on the starting lineup of everything. So they're up the coach's ass. We all hate you. We do. We all hate

Amy (22:13):

You kind of do.

Mel Robbins (22:14):

Yes. And the parents who need their kids invited to everything, that's your security because you're not invited to everything. And so you're trying to get a social life and you're trying to solve the insecurities and wounds that you have by trying to jam your kid into everything.