6 Ways to Use My “Let Them” Theory to Improve Any Relationship

Jennifer (19:07):

I mean, they live only an hour away. We usually see them every few weeks. She hasn't come to any of my son's baseball games. I don't know if she's avoiding us. I'm not really sure why that is happening, but my fear is a lot of time because of her opinion, I kind of shut down around her. But at the same time, I don't think this is right that she is expressing these opinions, especially to my child and just letting her do this. I don't know if I could live with that.

 

Mel Robbins (19:40):

Well, what is it about her opinion that really bothers you?

 

Jennifer (19:49):

I guess it's because sometimes she will gossip about other people to me. So I fear that she's gossiping about me to others, but I shouldn't really be concerned about that.

 

Mel Robbins (20:00):

What about her gossiping about you to other people bothers you?

 

Jennifer (20:05):

I'm not sure. I guess I don't want people formulating an opinion about me without getting to know who I am. I've been fortunate enough that other family members have not done that and they've gotten to know me. I don't feel like she has gotten to know me very well.

(22:10):

And that your son has his own opinions and isn't swayed by what his grandmother thinks and is able to express them, which is a beautiful thing. And then the other piece that I will tell you is what if this is triggering is a deep dream that your mother-in-law had for her own life

 

(22:36):

And she never had the courage to go for it. And when she hears somebody that she knows and loves has suddenly quit a job, which for that generation meant stability. It's what you did. It's kind of what everybody expected of you. You have done something that for her was unthinkable. You have put yourself first. You have put yourself out there as an artist. You're in a marriage where your spouse supports you doing that. That might actually have been something she could never experience. And so having this in your life is stirring something up in her. Now saying all that doesn't justify or excuse the fact that she was opinionated about it. It just gives you a completely different interpretation of why people react, especially the people are closest to us when we go for something that we really care about. And the reason why is when she hears that you're doing something amazing. You have quit your job, you have the support of your spouse and your son, you are pursuing this manuscript, you're going for it. It makes people look in the mirror and go, well, what am I doing? And so you have no idea what got stirred up other than fear and angst and something else. And being of that generation, she has almost zero tolerance for that kind of emotional turmoil inside her. So she ps it at her grandson. That sounds like a typical grandmother to me.

 

(24:27):

And if she's gossiping about you, Jennifer, who cares? Why do you care?

 

Jennifer (24:37):

Yeah, you're right.

 

Mel Robbins (24:38):

And look, it hurts. You want the mother-in-law or the mom who is always supportive and always talking amazing things about you and has your back. We all deserve that. And most of us don't have that because most people are not capable of that because they haven't figured out how to sit with emotions that are uncomfortable. And so we gossip and we snap at people and we say things that we don't mean to say. And then when you sit with that, then just like you, she's nervous to see you. And so here's what the Let Them Theory also does. You got to unhook from your mother-in-law. You are now an artist and a novelist who is observing the stories of life and telling stories. And there is something inside this dynamic with her that if you create the space where she can have her reaction and you can have yours and both are true, then you have this space to be able to then do the most powerful part of the Let Them Theory you let her be. But then what do you need to let her know? Do you need to let her know that it hurt your feelings? Do you need to let her know that you would love to feel supported in what you're doing? Do you need to let her know your boundaries? Or do you need to just realize that the thing that's actually bothering you is that she hasn't been supportive period. Or that it's been tense period. It might kind of excavate something deeper,

 

Jennifer (26:26):

Right?

 

Mel Robbins (26:27):

What do you think it is?

 

Jennifer (26:28):

And it might be deeper because I don't really feel like we've gotten, I mean it's been 20 years and I don't think we've really gotten to know each other very well. We just kind of spend time around each other.

 

Mel Robbins (26:43):

A lot of us can relate to that spending time. Is there something that your spouse is doing or not doing that would help with the situation? Or is this just one of those situations where you need to let her be her and she doesn't have the capacity to show up differently and you need to let yourself,

 

Jennifer (27:05):

Are I talking about my spouse?

 

Mel Robbins (27:06):

No, I'm talking about your mother-in-law.

 

Jennifer (27:12):

I mean, my spouse is very into the Let Them Theory and she's always been like that with her parents. They're going to be the way they are, and she just lets them be. And I'm not the type of person that likes to stir up emotions, especially when it's not my mom, it's my spouse's mom, and I don't want to cause any friction. Well, so I'm very quiet about everything.

 

Mel Robbins (27:43):

So are you not yourself?

 

Jennifer (27:46):

No, I don't think I am myself around her

 

Mel Robbins (27:50):

At all. Well, that's why you are just around her. And the question is that in order for you to shift the relationship, you have to do two things at once. One is you got to give your mother-in-law the space to have her opinions and to get her feathers ruffled and to get upset about things and to not get hooked into it. And you must give yourself permission to show up as you. And I think that's what ultimately is bothering you, is that you're realizing that you have been just protecting the peace in this relationship. And in doing so, you have started this war with yourself because you know you're not yourself around your mother-in-law,

 

Jennifer (28:38):

Right?

 

Mel Robbins (28:39):

And that's something that you can shift. It doesn't require you to express boundaries necessarily. It just requires you to show up a little bit differently, more of yourself, and you also have within you the right and the ability to make requests of your spouse around the way that you could be supported better in this relationship. Okay. Okay. Is that helpful?

 

Jennifer (29:09):

It's very helpful, very

 

Mel Robbins (29:10):

Helpful. What did you get from that conversation?

 

Jennifer (29:13):

That I just need to open up more and be myself and not just quiet myself in situations that might be a little uncomfortable and just show up as me and then when I don't feel supported, expressed that I don't feel supported.

 

Mel Robbins (29:28):

Exactly. That's it. And then let them support you or not. That's all there is to do. You are responsible for expressing your needs, for expressing your feelings, for showing up as yourself and for doing what you need to do to create a better life for yourself. That's what you're responsible for. Other people are responsible for their emotional reactions, for their feelings, for their boundaries, for all of that. You don't need to manage that anymore. You just need to focus on being yourself. Fabulous. And I can't wait to read your novel. Good job. I love you too. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Alright, let's go. Is it Erin from New York City?

 

Erin (30:11):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (30:13):

Hi. Hi there.

 

Erin (30:15):

You're so amazing. I absolutely adore you.

 

Mel Robbins (30:20):

I love you too.

 

Erin (30:21):

Say thank you. Thank you so much for all of the wisdom you share every day, and I love that you're sharing the Let Them Theory with us. And I'm going to ask you this question, and maybe it's a little bit of a mirror side of that, but you're just so brilliant. I'm going to go for it.

 

Mel Robbins (30:35):

Go for it.

 

Erin (30:37):

Let them let people just sort of be who they're going to be. And you be, I grew up in a really abusive childhood and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy,

 

(30:51):

My job to take care of her. So here I am in my late adulthood, I just survived horrible cancer and I have a new lease on life, and I'm thinking, what would my life look like if I stopped feeling like the only way to get loved or to be loved or to be treasured, to be valued is to take care of people, to be on the phone at one o'clock in the morning to answer all their questions, to be the problem solver. And how do I just let people and myself deal with the fact that I'd rather focus on myself right now and give back to myself? How do I let me, while I let them,

 

Mel Robbins (31:41):

You just will they ever have a friend again? Listen, you just actually got the full secret of the Let Them Theory, the Let Them Theory is not about other people, it's about you. It's about how you have poured all your energy, your concern, your time, your brain power into other people. And when you highlight how often you are managing other people's reactions, managing other people's happiness, tiptoeing around the topics, shrinking yourself, bending yourself over backwards to help other people staying silent, not asking for what you need, showing up when you don't feel like it doing things out of guilt. When you start to use the Let Them Theory to highlight how often you are resisting 

(33:14):

And so you just figured out the big secret about the Let Them Theory, the Let Them theory is when you unhook from other people the need for other people to be pleased with you, the need for other people to be happy first. And when you start to go, oh, well, I could let them be. I could let them be upset. I could let them figure it out. I could let them know how I'm feeling, but then it's on me. Let me be responsible for my happiness. Let me be responsible for my needs. Let me be responsible for saying no or saying I'm done or saying this doesn't work. And then how the Let Them Theory will work with your mom or whoever is now getting the actual new you is they're going to tantrum. They're used to you being there. They're going to throw the guilt at you, let them let them.

 

(34:12):

It's not going to work on you anymore. It's worked for years. And so expect them to throw it at you, let them deal with themselves. I've also said, and I'll say again that this does have exceptions. We don't let our friends just get behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking. We don't just let somebody sit in suicidal ideation. We pick them up and take them to the emergency room. We don't just let people discriminate against others or do something really dangerous. You offer support, you make recommendations, you express your boundaries, and then again, you got to let them again. And so expect your mom to tantrum because she has through emotional manipulation, turned you into her human blankie and you're not doing it anymore. Congratulations.

 

Erin (35:09):

Yeah, I mean the flip side of let them is exactly what you said to stop. The challenge is also 

Mel Robbins (35:26):

You tell me

 

Erin (35:26):

And what's your value?

 

Mel Robbins (35:28):

Who are you?

 

Erin (35:31):

That's something I'm going to have to sit with because I've spent my entire life being the fixer. I'll fix it. I'm going to make it right. I'm going to help you. I'm going to solve that problem. And the thought of not doing that is not only what other people's reactions will be, but then now, who am I? What's my value? What's my worth?

 

Mel Robbins (35:54):

Is fixing everybody else's life making you happy.

 

Erin (36:02):

It makes me feel that I matter and that I'm needed.

 

Mel Robbins (36:08):

Okay.

 

Erin (36:09):

And so like I said, the flip side of letting them, which is like I don't do that anymore. I've even been telling some of my girlfriends who've had the same boyfriend problems for years and years. I love you so much, sweetheart. I'm just not up for the boyfriend conversation anymore. Great. If you want to ask about anything else, but just no more boyfriend troubles, I'm sorry. Please get a therapist or find another girlfriend. I'm a little burnt out on the boyfriend problems.

 

Mel Robbins (36:38):

I love that

 

Erin (36:39):

I started to set boundaries and two of them have said Uhoh, okay, it feels kind of good

 

Mel Robbins (36:50):

Because you want to know why,

 

Erin (36:50):

but it's so scary. Like, well, they still love me and call me over for Christmas dinner if I'm not the person who's the on-call therapist.

 

Mel Robbins (36:59):

Well, hold on a second.

 

Erin (36:59):

I might wind up pretty lonely for a while.

 

Mel Robbins (37:02):

Hold on a second. Here's the thing. I want you to understand that number one, being a really good friend means you're willing to tell your friend the truth. Being a really shitty friend is when you listen to it and then silently complain to yourself about it. And so you just did them a huge favor because there's probably nobody else in their life that is willing to tell the truth, which is you have been stuck in this cycle forever. And I have been a part of this cycle because I've listened to it. I've offered advice, I have offered suggestions, I have expressed my concern. And now I have to tell you, I am no longer available for the conversation. And what you just did is you told the truth, which is what you're responsible for, and now you're going to let them sit with it, which is one of the greatest gifts that you could do when somebody is stuck in a pattern that is self-destructive, which they are.

 

(38:06):

And if telling them the truth because you love them and you're concerned about them, and because you also love yourself and need to protect your peace, if telling them the truth is what makes them not invite you to the holiday dinners, then you weren't really friends anyway because that's not what a real friend would do. And yeah, there will be some space where maybe some friendships start to fade. But what happens if you're willing to believe in it is that you're creating space for people that can have more reciprocity in terms of how you want to live your life and what you want to feel to show up. And what you may find if these have been friends for a very long time, is that that conversation is actually the catalyst that starts to shift something. And if it means you don't get invited for holiday dinner, that's a really small price to pay for changing somebody's life.

 

(39:13):

Life. And the other thing I want to leave you with, because I really relate to who am I, if I am not just fixing everybody's problems, it is possible to be a fixer and not lose yourself. It is possible to be somebody that helps everybody else without losing who you are in the process. And it is possible to support people in your life and be loving and be there for people and not take on responsibility for all of it. You have just discovered the full secret, which is when you realize you're not responsible for other people's happiness, you are not responsible for other people's boundaries, you're not responsible for managing other people's tantrums. You're responsible for your truth, you're responsible for your needs, you're responsible for expressing yourself. 

Liz (40:35):

Hi, Mel. Great to talk to you too. I'm a big fan. My question for you today is I have dealt with this lately. Actually very recently, my parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling, and I had to take a backseat to it all. I had to put some distance about a few weeks. But every day in those few weeks, I felt like tightening in my chest. I felt like I didn't know what to do. So I finally wrote them each a separate letter begging them to try to get some help. As soon as I hit the send button on that letter, I felt better immediately.

 

Mel Robbins (41:19):

Why do you think

 

Liz (41:21):

I guess I spoke my peace. I spoke my truth.

 

Mel Robbins (41:25):

Yeah. You're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it. They're grown ass adults. And even though you feel like the parent instead of the child in this situation, and even though you love them and your heart aches for them, and you know that any addiction is 

(42:30):

That's why your father has a gambling addiction, because he has some sort of trauma or some sort of deeper issue that he is avoiding by the rush of gambling. And you not running in and making this your problem to solve might just be the thing that has your dad face what he has not been able to face to this point. And so I'm really proud of you and I'm not surprised that you felt better sending them a letter and letting them be in the mess that they've created and letting you be with the truth that you feel. And the truth is, you're there to support them, right? You're going to be there to pick up the call or to guide them in the right direction or help 'em with a Google search. But you're not there to fix this. And that's a beautiful, beautiful distinction. Let's go to Mimi and Canada. Mimi, thank you so much for holding so long.

 

Mimi (43:31):

Hi, this is Mimi here.

 

Mel Robbins (43:33):

Hi.

 

Mimi (43:35):

I started listening to you everything that you had to say, and it has really changed my life. And this let them theory has helped me so much. I was in a very dark place. It was very uncomfortable. But now I see that the other person sees that it's not affecting me. So they're going up a notch every time to try to get a reaction out of me. So how long do you let them? I know it's not affecting me, but then if you're living with that person 24 7 and they have to use your special needs child, try to manipulate you because they don't want to see you succeed. And now I've also put my foot down. I was like, you know what? I don't care. I'm not going to let anybody anything affect me. But then if somebody's 24 7 drilling that to your mind in the background, the background noise,

 

Mel Robbins (44:33):

Yeah,

 

Mimi (44:34):

It does have an effect.

 

Mel Robbins (44:36):

So can I ask you a question? How long do you, lemme ask you a question. So is this a family member or a spouse or who is this

 

Mimi (44:44):

Spouse separated? Good, because I'm not yet financially stable. 

Mel Robbins (45:10):

Mimi. Mimi.

 

Mimi (45:12):

They want to have me and torture me.

 

Mel Robbins (45:13):

Mimi, where else can you live?

 

Mimi (45:18):

Nowhere. This is all I have yet.

 

Mel Robbins (45:21):

I love the yet. I love the yet. Wait, are you telling me you have no friends? You don't have family in Canada that you can live with?

 

Mimi (45:30):

I don't want to.

 

Mel Robbins (45:31):

Okay, so hold on, hold on, hold on. When I said, who else do you have? You said nothing. This is it. And so I need to be very clear with you that you are choosing to stay in a living situation where somebody is beating you down. And when you answered, I have family, but I don't want to live there. 

(46:36):

And I'm just going to let him say it and I'm going to ignore him, and I'm going to go into my room and I'm going to shut the door. And at some point he might start yelling and I'm going to let him. But I need you to understand that that's screwed up, that you are staying in a situation where you are with somebody who is beating you down. I would rather see you and your special needs child, move out, move in with your family, get into a situation where that is not your day-to-day reality. Because the fact is, while you're in the same apartment going through a divorce, if he has already started acting out, it's just going to escalate. This doesn't get better. And so please, I want you to consider there are other options and you moving out might just be what changes the dynamic.

 

Mimi (47:35):

Okay?

 

Mel Robbins (47:37):

What do you think?

 

Mimi (47:41):

I was just waiting till I'm financially stable because family accepting a special needs child, people change. I have lived the reality. I know it sounds good to have a supporting family, but there's only so much others can do and you don't want to be a burden on them. That's why I'm like every day working.

 

Mel Robbins (48:00):

Hold on, you're a burden. You are not a burden If you go to your family and say, can I move home for six months while I save some money and get my own place? That's not you being a burden. That is you as an adult asking for help in a situation where you need help. And they're either going to say yes or no, but even so in asking, you are signaling to yourself, I'm not stuck here. I can create other options for myself. Heck, there might even be another woman that lives near you that's looking for a roommate that has a special needs son that's trying to get a divorce like you don't know because you're not asking. And so I want you to continue to use the them theory to not get hooked by your ex who is going to continue to escalate. That's how he has always controlled you in the past.

 

(48:54):

He can't control you anymore, which means he's getting more pissed off. That's exactly what you should expect. And now let me meaning, let me find another option here. Let me use my brain and get myself out of this stupid situation. Let me find a temporary living situation that's a little bit better while I get on my feet. Let me ask for help. Let me start problem solving. Let me take responsibility for putting myself and my special needs son in a better place and stop telling yourself the story that it can't happen. I so believe in you. I'm proud of you based on everything that you have done in the last year to pull yourself out of that dark place and get yourself moving again and get this business launched. There is no doubt in my mind you have within you the ability to make this better too. And you will. Eva, welcome. You're on the Mel Robbins podcast.

 

Eva (49:48):

Hi Mel. I'm just excited to talk to you. I want to know if you can give me tips or advice on how I can get my husband on board with the theory. I think it would help him not have hangups about what other people do or really think. I think sometimes he overthinks like, oh, people don't invite me to lunch or my coworkers or family, he feels excluded. I'm trying to figure out how to get him involved or adopt this theory for himself.

Eva (51:35):

I just feel like he over sometimes I just feel like he's overthinking it and I tell him, I think you're thinking about it more than what they're thinking about them more than they are thinking about you or why you're not included.

 

Mel Robbins (51:53):

Yeah, tell me more though about it's a

 

Eva (51:56):

Constant conversation,

 

Mel Robbins (51:58):

So it's stirring up his insecurity.

 

Eva (52:03):

Exactly. I listen and I'm okay with listening, but I just feel like we're not doing any different, anything different. It's always the same thing or pattern with either colleagues or family members. That's always, I've noticed that's a theme with him. That conversation comes up sometimes when we're just talking and then it'll pop up.

 

Mel Robbins (52:26):

Well, this is very relatable because whether you're dealing with a husband who gets himself all worked up about what family's doing or work colleagues are doing or friends are doing, or you're dealing with a child who feels left out at school or you're dealing with a friend who feels like somebody just broke up with them and it's never going to work out for them, the stories that you tell yourself are way more painful than the actual thing that's happening. And the danger here, and you're witnessing it happening is your husband is now stuck in this pattern that people leave him out and he's stuck in this pattern of seeing all the places where he doesn't belong. And part of the reason why these patterns are so painful is you get stuck in the pattern and you don't realize you actually have the power to change this dynamic.

 

(53:11):

And what you said earlier is also true that he's thinking about it more than the people who are out to lunch because you know what? They're not thinking about him at all because they didn't invite him to lunch. And so the fact that your husband is wasting time and causing himself pain by constantly focusing on all the places where he hasn't been invited or the fact that his siblings are getting together and they didn't ask him and all this stuff, it just creates internal agita. And so here's how you get someone else to consider something because you can't force him. You can't tie him down to the bed and put earphones on him and force him to listen to Mel Robbins. Even if you did that, he wouldn't absorb it, so it's not going to work. But you could say to him, I'm concerned about you.

 

(53:56):

I'm concerned about you because I'm seeing this pattern where you're focused on all of the people and the places where you're not invited or you're not seen or you're not respected. And it's becoming a pattern. And I don't want this for you. You're a much more powerful person. You deserve more in your life. And I just listened to this podcast with this woman that has 10 million followers, and I think you'd get a lot out of this chick. And I think this thing that she talks about called the Let Them Theory, I think it might help you find your power and not get so pissed off about this petty stupid stuff. And if you appeal to his greater self and if you appeal to the fact that you want more for him, that might inspire him to see more for himself and to listen to the episode, that's how I would do it.

 

(54:52):

And I would appeal to the pain he's feeling and the fact that you want more for him and that you realize you can't fix this for him. This is something he has to do for himself. But here's what you're going to do. You're going to send him this podcast from this cool chick that will really make him think about this. And second, the next time he talks about this again, you're just going to say Let them as a cue. And it's going to get really annoying because you're not going to engage in the conversation anymore. You're done with the conversation because the conversation's not changing anything. And so you're not going to engage with it with him. And that's what you're going to do because that's what you can control. And this is how the Let Them Theory works. You are going to let your husband get upset about what his siblings are doing.

 

(55:40):

You are going to say, let them to him after you've already provided the support of the podcast episode. And then you're going to let your husband be mad that you said let them, and then you're going to let him continue to bitch about what's going on because only your husband can fix this. And what I want to applaud you for is that you care so much about him that you want this because you can see how much pain it's causing him. And the fact is, if we all stopped complaining about what's not working or what other people are doing or not doing or including us in or not, if we stopped doing that, we would find a lot of free time to make plans with people that we want to hang out with. And that's what's also available here. So I want to thank you for asking that question because it is so relatable.

 

(56:27):

I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Thank you for shoving that episode, Adam and seeing if he'll take a listen to it and you not participating anymore and letting him sit in his misery that's going to intensify the fire and might actually motivate 'em to do something about it. Thanks for calling. Alrighty everybody. That's all we got time for today. I want to remind you that if you're looking for the original Let Them Theory episode where I explain it in detail, I give you multiple examples of how to start using it. I talk about the three really important exceptions for when it doesn't apply. That episode is linked in all the show notes. You can find our show notes, mel robbins.com/podcast for this episode. And look, the thing that's so cool about the Let Them Theory is that when you realize that the art of letting other people being themselves is the pathway to you actually being responsible for your own life and being fully yourself, that's what the magic's all about.

 

(57:31):

And that's why everybody's talking about this thing and using it. And so thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, and one more thing before I forget, I know you're going to ask me, how do I get on this? What do I do? How are you doing? Just go to the newsletter. We are figuring out this live call format situation thing. We're doing it different every single time. But the one thing I can tell you is if you're on our newsletter list, mel robbins.com/newsletter, we have a link in every newsletter on the information for how to call in and talk to me live. Alrighty? And in case nobody else tells you, I want to be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to just let them be them know, and then let yourself do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. Thanks for watching here on YouTube. And if you loved this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, you're going to want to watch this one next. It's awesome.