8 Small Habits That Will Change Your Life: The Best Expert Advice I’m Using This Year

(00:01:13):

Like there is nothing that is more satisfying than knowing that all of this hard work is making a difference. And so Kathy and Teal come up to me, and one of the things that I like to do, and you better be prepared for this, if you see me out in the real world and you approach me, I'm going to pull out my phone and I'm going to videotape when you come up because I have a question for you. What topic do you want me to cover? What experts do you want me to have on the show? And so I was talking to Kathy and Teal and I asked them what topics and experts they wanted to have on the show, and they told me, and then they asked me a question, and the question that they asked me was something I wasn't prepared for. And it's the first time since launching the show that anybody has asked me this question.

(00:01:57):

Here's the question, it stumped me. Kathy said, Mel, of all of the amazing experts that you have had on the Mel Robbins Podcast, who has made the biggest difference in your life, and have you ever had one of those moments where somebody asks you a question and you know should have the answer to it, and you start to think and your mind is like, eh, there is nothing there. I mean, the only thing that was in my brain in that moment was the steam from the hot yoga room. I could not even remember any expert that was on the Mel Robbins pod. I just went blank, blank, blank, blank. And I could have used Jim quick there, our memory expert who we released an episode with a couple days ago at the moment. But holy smokes, I had nothing to say and I was super embarrassed.

(00:02:51):

I couldn't think of an expert. And I kept trying to go back in my mind and trying to go back into my mind and everybody was just kind of flooding my mind from our confidence expert to anxiety, to narcissism, to all of the health experts that we've had on. And I couldn't summon up a name, I just couldn't do it. And the first thing that then all of a sudden popped in my mind as I looked at Kathy and Thiel and I said, there were so many amazing experts on the Mel Robbins podcast this year that coming up with just one is really hard to do. But I will tell you that there is one person who had a huge impact on my life. And this is going to sound selfish because it's our 18-year-old son Oakley. Oakley came on the podcast a lot this year and shared all kinds of deeply personal stuff, things that I never knew, and it really changed my relationship with him.

(00:03:49):

I just absolutely loved having him on the podcast. I loved all the feedback we got about how what he shared really made a difference for your family. And so that was what I said. And if I'm being honest with you, I think the answer's kind of lame. So I get in the car after hugging them goodbye, and I'm driving down the road and I'm thinking, who was the expert? What were the experts? And so when I got home, I cracked open my laptop, I went to the Mel Robbins podcast page and I started scanning through all of the episodes. And here's what I discovered. First of all, there were 39 experts that we had on the Mel Robbins Podcast this year, many who made multiple appearances because you love them so much. And I poured through all of the episodes and I looked back through all of the most popular moments on YouTube, and I thought long and hard about what were the most impactful and transformative pieces of advice that really changed my life.

(00:04:53):

And I have curated a list of eight pieces of advice. And the reason why I'm going to share these with you is not only because Teal and Kathy asked, but more importantly because when I really took the time to look back and reflect on what I learned this year from so many amazing people, I know that when I share these with you, it's going to change your life too. And as you know, I am on a mission to simplify all this complicated stuff and information that's out in the world and tee it up to you in a way that makes it super entertaining and empowering and easy to apply to your life. And so that's what we're going to do today. The eight pieces of expert and science supported research back advice that changed my life this year. And if you try them out, I guarantee you they're going to change your life too.

(00:05:43):

And so first up, let's talk about Dr. Amy Shah. She is the medical doctor that trained at Harvard, Cornell and Columbia University. That is a Triple Ivy League certification right there. Also double board certified immunologist and a leading expert in women's hormonal health and nutrition. And I love her because every time she breaks down information, it is so clear, it is so entertaining, it is so applicable to my life. She appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast for different times. That's how popular and smart and amazing she is. And one of the biggest differences that she made in my life is that because of what I learned from Dr. Amy Shah, I have gone from 

Dr. Amy Shah (00:07:37):

So routines are excessively important in terms of our mood and our body, our nutrition. So when you wake up in the morning, you want to get sunlight. I have a rule when you wake up, go get sunlight first, sky before screens. Oh, I love that. So sky before screens is how you should start your day. Your body is wired to see sunlight in the morning, even if it's a cloudy day, just has to be bright light. You can just walk out outside. For me, it's my back door. Just walk out for a few minutes. It could be two to 10 minutes you could do for me. I'm usually just in my pajamas, so I'm coming back in and getting ready for the day. Okay, so you don't want to have food or caffeine in the first 45 minutes of your day.

Mel Robbins (00:08:28):

Why?

Dr. Amy Shah (00:08:30):

I'll tell you why. When you wake up, you feel groggy, right?

Mel Robbins (00:08:33):

Yep.

Dr. Amy Shah (00:08:33):

That grogginess is partially, mostly from adenosine in your brain,

Mel Robbins (00:08:39):

Adenosine,

Dr. Amy Shah (00:08:39):

Adenosine, and it clears out as within 30 40 minutes it clears out. Then you have your coffee, then you eat your food. And the reason why is coffee, the way it works, it blocks our adenosine receptor. So that means that it doesn't help get rid of adenosine, it just blocks it from actually binding. So if you don't let adenosine clear out and you just drink your coffee, when the coffee wears off in a couple of hours, that adenosine is still there and it just binds those receptors and you feel excessively tired and that's why you think you need another cup of coffee. And then you're fully dependent. The people that wake up and they need the coffee right then, and then they need it again at 10 o'clock, and then they need it again at one o'clock because you're not letting that adenine

Mel Robbins (00:09:33):

Whoa

Dr. Amy Shah (00:09:34):

Go,

Mel Robbins (00:09:35):

Okay?

Dr. Amy Shah (00:09:35):

You need to let that clear out.

Mel Robbins (00:09:37):

I'm guilty of this, so I am going to try this tomorrow. I am going to absolutely have my coffee, and then, oh, no, I'm not. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wait 45 minutes. Then I'm going to have my coffee. I'm going to see if I have a craving for a second cup.

Dr. Amy Shah (00:09:51):

Yes,

Mel Robbins (00:09:52):

That is fascinating.

Dr. Amy Shah (00:09:53):

Okay, so you want to let it clear out naturally because it's not going to clear out naturally if you start the caffeine cycle right away.

Mel Robbins (00:10:00):

This changed my life, and I am not exaggerating. I literally was addicted to having that first cup of coffee. I had this whole story in my mind. I bet you may relate to this, that I can't even wake up until I have a cup of coffee. If I don't have my coffee, I'm going to be groggy.

(00:10:14):

Well, I took her advice to heart and I was bracing because I thought that first morning that I woke up and I rolled out of bed and I was not going to immediately have a mug in my hand and caffeine on my lips that I was going to be a freaking train wreck. That's not what happened at all. It was a game changer. I had a cup of coffee. It tasted freaking delicious because I had delayed it. Now, here's what I noticed. The coffee tasted great, but what was transformative is an hour later I didn't feel like I needed another one. And at two o'clock in the afternoon, I didn't feel like I needed yet another one. My focus, my energy, it was way more consistent throughout the day. And here's the thing, I'm going to challenge you to do this. I've told so many people about this little adenosine thing and morning sunlight, and so many of my friends are now not drinking coffee first thing in the morning.

(00:11:16):

I love this practical tip because you can get it immediately. You can start it tomorrow morning and you'll see an immediate result, change my life. Change your life, I promise you. And I cannot wait to hear what happens when you do it. And by the way, I'm going to link to all the episodes in the resources. We always have a huge robust list of resources for every single episode and the episodes that I'm talking about, they are linked below. Alright, so that was number one advice that changed my life. Make sure you get exposure to natural light first thing in the morning, right in the eyes, and delay a cup of coffee for 90 minutes. The second expert on the Mel Robbins podcast that changed my life was another health expert. I guess this is the year that Mel Robbins takes her health seriously, right?

(00:12:01):

And so Dr. Gabrielle Lyon, if you listen to that episode, you'll remember we call her Dr. G. Dr. G was fascinating because she is a medical doctor who is fellowship trained in nutritional sciences and geriatrics, which is the science of aging. She's a renowned researcher and founder of the Institute for Muscle Centric Medicine. How did she change my life? Well, she completely changed the way that I see protein and the importance of getting more protein in my diet. I learned so much talking to 

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:13:48):

I think women have really gotten this constant narrative about, oh, you've hit menopause now you're going to have a menopausal belly and you're going to gain about 30 pounds and it's going to be, this is how it's going to be. That does not have to happen. There are ways in which you can manage your body composition through diet and training. Again, we are leveraging protein and food as medicine and movement as medicine rather than taking something external.

(00:14:17):

I mean, I guess food would be technically external, but here's what I would tell and why it's so important for a menopausal postmenopausal woman. There is a natural decline in these hormones, estrogen, progesterone. There's an imbalance of testosterone which can affect body composition, but one of the ways it affects body composition is we move less. We are less active. The way to combat that is through very simply doing some kind of resistance training, which simply means, again, against an external load, it doesn't have to be complicated, and it's not necessarily as difficult as people think. I've been seeing patients since 2006. I have seen a lot of midlife women and I've seen a lot of success.

Mel Robbins (00:15:09):

Okay, what do we do? Dr. Gabrielle, I just heard, did you hear that? That was women in 194 countries around the world turning up the dial. What do we do?

Mel Robbins (00:15:31):

Got it.

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:15:31):

Then if you were saying, well, Gabrielle Doc G, I want to add some carbohydrates, I'm going to say, you know what? Go right ahead. You're not going to have over 30 grams or so of carbohydrates for that first meal. We don't want to kind of skew this insulin and give you this robust response. Again, I'm giving broad generalizations. Got it. Okay. But we're just going to define it and design it so that people can execute right away.

Mel Robbins (00:15:55):

Great.

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:15:55):

You can have a little bit of berries. You can mix it in water. You can mix it in almond juice or whatever it is that you want. Something not major that is calorically dense. Okay, you've done that. You're doing great. I don't care if it's a whey protein shake. I don't care if it's Mel's pea protein shake. I care. I don't necessarily want it to be collagen because collagen, while great for other things, is not great for muscle health. Okay, so got it. Collagen is a different separate kind of protein. It has a protein score of what is considered zero. It's still great, but we're not going to put in the category of muscle health.

Mel Robbins (00:16:30):

Thank you for saying that, because here I am making my smoothie and I'm adding the mushroom stuff for the hot flashes, and I'm adding the protein powder, and I don't even know if it's got the lupin thing in it. Then I put in the collagen because A, I'm like hair and nails people, and two, I'm thinking, that's another 10 to 20 grams of protein. So I can put that in the 50 protein column. And what you're saying is, Mel, that is good for your hair and nails, but when it comes to complex amino acids, that protein scores a big fat. So now I'm learning something. This is really good. I

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:17:05):

Like a pro homie, you are a pro!

Mel Robbins (00:17:08):

Thank you.

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:17:09):

Another meal. Maybe you want some kind of smaller meal in the day. Maybe it has 20 grams of protein and 20 grams of carbohydrates. What does that look like? That could be three eggs. It could be your chicken salad, it could be whatever it is that you want. I'm not so crazy about that one. Love you for that. Thank you. You're welcome. The last meal, if you're having two larger meals and a smaller meal in the middle, your last meal is also important because you're getting ready to go into an overnight fast.

Mel Robbins (00:17:38):

Got it. So now I'm doing my 30 to 50. I'm having my protein shake or my hamburger with my salad or whatever else.

Dr. Gabrielle Lyon (00:17:44):

The last meal of the day is between 30 and 50 grams of protein. You want your burger, you want your chicken, want your salmon? Great. You have now nailed it. You will lose body fat by just addressing the dietary component of protein, which is mind blowing. You will improve your body composition by changing your dietary protein for breakfast by simply doing that, by swapping out your cereal, by adding in dietary protein. We have seen huge changes in body composition simply by doing that. And also by the way, some of this data was isocaloric, meaning people both had the same amount of calories. They were both taking in 1600 calories, and the postmenopausal women, what one group did was change the first meal of the day to have an optimal protein. It was around 40 grams of protein, and then the second group had around, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was probably closer to 50 grams of carbohydrates and 13 grams of protein, which is what most women are doing now, and the body composition effects were negative for the carbohydrate group versus the protein group. They lost weight, and again, calories were the same, so it was simply changing around the macronutrients.

Mel Robbins (00:19:05):

I don't know about you, but I not only listened to that episode twice and I'm the one that had the conversation with her, but I have watched the YouTube version of that conversation several times as well. And here's a really cool data point. So YouTube can tell you some of the most watched parts of any video that you upload on YouTube, and our YouTube channel is just youtube.com/mel Robbins and all the podcast episodes are out there, and they're searchable and they're amazing. But when Dr. G was talking about the specifics related to protein and the fact that if you just were to change your diet, we're not talking restrict yourself of calories, don't want to be doing that. Just change the composition of the food that you're eating and your entire body composition changes. That was one of the most watched moments and replayed moments on our YouTube channel.

(00:19:56):

You were fascinated with it too. And so here's how I have felt empowered by this because I've shared a lot about the fact that being 55 and going through menopause, my body is changing, my hormones are changing. There have been times that I've been extremely frustrated about what to do because everything that I've done my entire life, eat clean, exercise, cardio, all that stuff, be a positive person. It was not helping with my body composition. If you're picking up what I'm putting down. And so I have taken Dr. G's advice and I'm seeing a huge difference. Alrighty, that's Dr. G, the science of strength training, and again, that entire episode is both on our YouTube channel. Just Google, Dr. Gabrielle Lyon and Mel Robbins, and you'll find it, or you'll find it in the resources below if you want to listen to it. Okay, next up, expert number three, KC Davis.

(00:20:51):

Before we get to KC Davis, you know what we have to get to? We have to get to a word from our sponsors. Our sponsors are amazing. I love them, and they allow us to bring you all these incredible experts at zero cost. So tell you what, how about you take a listen to our amazing sponsors, and then when we return, I'm going to tell you how a woman named KC Davis changed my life when it comes to laundry. And a little later, you're going to learn the pieces of advice about anxiety and dealing with narcissistic personalities that also were life-changing. So don't you dare go anywhere. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and do not skip this because I have something to give you for free. No kidding. Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024. Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29 page workbook.

(00:21:41):

I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos, supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024, and then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it. Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way, you and me, baby. Let's create the best year ever. Just click the link, boom. I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute, and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel, and I'm so glad you're here because I'm going through the eight different pieces of expert advice, all supported by research and science that truly changed my life this year, and I'm sharing them with you in case you missed one of them because I know they're going to improve your life too.

(00:22:27):

So next up, the third expert that changed my life is KC Davis. KC Davis is a bestselling author and therapist, and she's just one of those people that has a way of explaining something that instantly makes you feel better. She came on the show and had so much wisdom to share about how to deal with life when things feel overwhelming, and sometimes that's all it takes, right? It just takes somebody to teach you how to look at something differently, and all of a sudden, your entire world changes. Holy smokes. KC Davis, she stepped in with relatable, hilarious, and most of all, life-changing advice. This was one of your favorites as well. This blew up all over YouTube. What is the concept I'm talking about? I'm talking about the fact that laundry exists in a cycle. Check this out.

KC Davis (00:23:33):

Well, it's important to remember that care tasks are not binary states of done or not done. They are cycles. What does that mean? So what that means is that we're used to going, are the dishes or are they not done? Is the laundry done or is it not done? But in it's true, your laundry exists in a cycle. You have, it That are clean in the closet. You have clothes that are on your body. You have clothes that are dirty on the floor. You have clothes that are dirty in the hamper. You have clothes that are dirty waiting to go in the wash. You have some in the wash, you have some there. You have some that are waiting. That's a cycle, and every...

Mel Robbins (00:24:28):

If you could see me right now as you're listening to this podcast, you on YouTube, come on, my mouth is on the floor because KC Davis, you just changed my fucking life with that reframe. Let me just give it back to you. I want you listening to really grab a hold of this. First of all, if you think about laundry, the machine has cycles that you can pick from and laundry. If you think about it like a never ending cycle, just a never ending cycle of things that go in the washer, things that go in the dryer, things that go back to the spots where they're going to go, then they go back in the washer, then they go back in the dryer. It's never a thing that gets done. It's always a cycle. The same thing is true with grocery shopping. You don't get grocery shopping done. You do it in a cycle. The same thing is

KC Davis (00:25:28):

True with, I mean, my playroom, my living room, it's not clean or dirty. It's clean, perfect, just cleaned it. It's a few toys on the floor. It's a few toys and a few more on the floor. And here's the key in that cycle, there's a place where it reaches where it's not functional anymore, and that's where I want to reset the cycle. But the key isn't how do I get everything done and keep it done and keep on top of it? The key is how do I learn to turn all of these cycles at a pace where it's functional, where I have clean clothes, when I need them, clean dishes when I need them? I always say, when I decided to take on the laundry of my home, I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean clothes. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

Mel Robbins (00:26:16):

Oh, say that again.

KC Davis (00:26:17):

Same with the dishes, louder for the

Mel Robbins (00:26:19):

People in the back. KC, say that again.

KC Davis (00:26:21):

I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean dishes to eat off of. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

Mel Robbins (00:26:31):

And for the laundry, I signed up to make sure I have clean clothes and so do my families. I never signed up to make sure that there were never dirty clothes.

KC Davis (00:26:44):

Oh my God. And you get to customize that cycle because if you're moving that cycle too fast, Mel, you're exhausted, you're perfectionistic, you're anxious, you can't sit down, you can't rest. Or if you're struggling in such a way where you're not moving those cycles fast enough, you don't have clean clothes, you can't function in your space. So you just want to get a pace that works for you, and you can customize those cycles. I don't fold my clothes because that was the part that was stuck sticking the cycle.

Mel Robbins (00:27:13):

How so? What did you figure out about yourself? Because it's interesting that you say that, KC, because I could load a dishwasher full of dirty dishes all day long. I could load a washing machine, and I love stain sticking that stuff and shoving it in there and all the things, and I can even move it to the dryer when the dryer beeps or the dishwasher is done. I have some kind of a trauma response to that because I hate putting things away. Hate it. Yeah, it sucks. Yes.

KC Davis (00:27:51):

Can I make a guess on why bring it on? Okay. Well, I'll tell you what, it's for me and we'll see what it's for you. The act of loading things. My brain naturally will do it in a pattern, right? Yes. If I'm loading up the dishwashers like cups, cups, cups, cups, cups, plates, plates, plates, plates, plates, and I'm putting it all in this beautiful Tetris, whatever, right? Same with laundry. It's going in, it's going in, it's going in, it's going in, and I'm dump, dump, dump, dump, shut. It's this pattern. But when you have to put dishes away, it's pick up. Look at it. Cup fucking cup goes over here, okay? This is, there's the bending. Nobody likes to bend over and over and there's no pattern. Your brain likes patterns. It gets a little dopamine juice from it.

Mel Robbins (00:28:33):

Oh my God. Even when I have to unload it, I avoid it like the plague. But on the occasions that I unload the dishwasher, I always organize them into groups on the counter, because you're right, it's the patterning of it. I fucking love you.

KC Davis (00:28:52):

That's one of the hacks is turning things into patterns, turning things into rituals. All of a sudden, that was it. That was the hitch and the cycle that was grinding the gear. Every time it got to that place, and now the laundry's done every week,

Mel Robbins (00:29:06):

Wow, I still stop and just pick up my jaw off the floor when I think about how obvious it is, right? I mean, why have we all been talking about getting laundry done when KC's so right? It just exists in a cycle. In fact, when we sat down to record this conversation for you and to roll out all this expert advice for you, Jesse, one of the producers on the show was like, oh, I'm so glad this made, this changed my life. It changed my life too. And I know it changed so many of your lives. You don't want to know why. Because it was truly one of the favorite episodes of the year. And there were so many moments on the YouTube video of this that you guys rewatched and rewatched and rewatched, and so you can find a link to her incredible episodes, 11 crazy facts about laundry, showering, getting the little stuff done, because it turns out, and this is what we learned from KC Davis, the little stuff ain't so little, but when you flip how you look at it, it can change your life completely.

(00:30:05):

And it certainly changed mine. Alright, let's move from laundry to something that's kind of related, and that is anxiety, because before I met KC Davis, the amount of laundry that was constantly piled up constantly gave me anxiety. That brings me to one of the most popular experts of all time on the Mel Robbins podcast, and that is Dr. Russell Kennedy. So Dr. Russell Kennedy is a medical doctor and a neuroscientist who truly changed my life with his tools on healing from anxiety, not just coping with it, not just learning how to make yourself calm, but truly healing from anxiety. Now, he appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast three times since we have launched his episodes are some of our most loved, most popular both on podcast networks and on the YouTube channel. So what is the concept that he shared that was so much of a game changer for me?

(00:31:01):

Because you've listened to the Mel Robbins podcast for a while, so that I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time. So I thought I kind of knew everything about this topic. Here was the concept. The concept is calling anxiety an alarm in your body. Now, that's the first beat, and I always knew that anxiety was part of your fight or flight, right? That's kind of basic information. When you start studying anxiety, here's where it became a game changer. Anxiety is an alarm in your body, but it is an alarm that's signaling what? It's signaling that the little you feels separate. And I got to tell you something, that insight, that it's an alarm for moments when you feel separate. That has been huge for me and it has changed how I deal with moments where I feel anxious. Let's listen to Dr. Russell Kennedy talk about it. What is your definition of anxiety? Dr. Kennedy?

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:32:07):

Anxiety for me is anxious thoughts, anxious thoughts of the mind. Anxiety is not painful itself. What's painful is this sense of alarm that's in our body, that's in our system, and it's the alarm that drives the thoughts because it's a very atypical way, especially as a doctor and a neuroscientist, to look at anxiety as more as a body issue, like old unresolved wounding that just making sense to the mind because the mind is this compulsive meaning making makes sense machine. So when it feels the alarm in your body from the old wounds that haven't been resolved, it makes sense of it by worrying warnings what ifs, worst case scenarios. And that's what happens.

Mel Robbins (00:32:48):

Okay? Where does anxiety come from?

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:32:51):

It comes from that alarm in your body.

Mel Robbins (00:33:57):

I've spent the better part of my lifetime living with all of this unrest me too and unease and on edgeness in my body, and I've tried for decades to make sense of it, to come it, to soothe it, to heal it through my mind. And it is a revelation to realize, whoa. It really starts with thinking about the body. How do you know if what you're experiencing in your life right now is anxiety versus just day-to-day stress versus overwhelm?

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:34:35):

I think if it's chronic, if you're looking at your life, if you wake up in the morning and you're going, oh my God, I've got this, this, this, and this, which you've talked about before on the podcast, like waking up with this sense of dread, that's a sign that things aren't quite right. I think that we live in our minds, we live in our bodies. This just becomes normal. And unless it rises above this kind of critical mass where we're uncomfortable almost all the time, then we think, well, there's something going on. And now with Instagram with all this stuff, everything's trauma. Now. Everything's trauma. And I watched your episode about healing childhood trauma, and I really want to dive into that as well because it's so important because the quick version is you probably had trauma as a child that was unresolvable for you as a child.

(00:35:25):

Now what happens is when we get trauma as children, we blame ourselves. There's a great saying that says, if you abuse, neglect, or abandon a child, the child doesn't stop loving the parent. They stop loving themselves. And then that starts the split. And then we start judging, abandoning, blaming, and shaming ourselves from that point forward. And that split causes this sense of alarm that gets lodged in our body. And then because we don't want to feel that alarm in our body, we go up into our heads, which is the only place that a child can go because they're pretty powerless in their environment and they overthink. And that's a temporary escape. And then we train ourselves as children to overthink, because that's the only safe places in our minds. And then when we get older, go through a couple divorces, you get in a car accident, whatever, that stuff tends to come right back up again.

(00:36:14):

So that's really the basis of where this global anxiety comes from in people is it's this unresolved trauma. And your parents love you and you've got a supportive family, and you're attuned and connected and securely attached. You can go through traumas like we all do in childhood, and they won't impact your nervous system to create this permanent change, or I don't like using the word permanent. It makes it feel like it's hopeless, but it creates a permanent change in your nervous. And trauma is anything that changes your nervous system, that stucks your nervous system in a pattern that doesn't allow you to get out of that trauma. And then we just get into this loop where this alarm in our body, we make sense of it by making horrible thoughts in our mind, warnings what ifs, worst case scenarios, which of course makes the alarm of the body worse, which of course makes the thoughts worse. And we get caught in this alarm anxiety cycle, and unless we see it, we can't get out of it.

Mel Robbins (00:37:10):

He's so right and learning this has changed the entire way I approach my lifelong relationship with anxiety and calling an alarm. This is a big change. It doesn't sound so scary when you say it's an alarm. When you say it's anxiety, it makes it feel really big, right? When you say, oh, this is an alarm. I feel separate from myself, I feel separate from other people. I feel separate from my power. Now you know what to do. But let me tell you something that was just part one of why this was such a game changer. What really drove the transformation in my own life home is realizing that this alarm is also present in moments where you're blocking love. That's why you feel separate from yourself. You're actually blocking other people from loving you. You are blocking, letting love in from yourself. And this was so something that you loved hearing from him too. Check this out.

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:05):

The reason why you're anxious in the first place is because you block love. So when you say, I love

Mel Robbins (00:38:09):

You, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The reason why you're anxious is because you block love

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:15):

Or yourself. Yes.

Mel Robbins (00:38:17):

What

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:18):

You're separated from yourself. That's exactly what it comes down to. That's what anxiety or alarm really is. It's a separation. And this is what I do. This is my little, we didn't get into my little intuitive thing here.

Mel Robbins (00:38:28):

We're going to in a minute. Hold on. I think I got it. That literally your alarm is asking for love and reinsurance.

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:35):

Absolutely.

Mel Robbins (00:38:35):

And when you go into your head, you block yourself from receiving it.

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:39):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (00:38:39):

When you go into your body and you breathe into the alarm and soothe yourself, you are actually giving yourself love.

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:48):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (00:38:48):

Holy shit.

Dr. Russell Kennedy (00:38:49):

And a lot of people with anxiety just they're uncomfortable with love in the first place. I'll give you a very quick example from my own life. So my dad, before I was 10 years old, was this wonderful guy. He was so connected to me and nurturing, taught me how to hit a ball, play chess, all this kind of stuff. Very, very connected to him, and I loved him greatly. And then as I got to be a young teen and his schizophrenia got worse and worse and worse, and it became suicidal and a bunch of other things, I withdrew from him because to see him in horrible depression was just too painful for me. So I blocked my love for him because it was just too painful to feel it. And that you can't block love from a parent without blocking love on some level to everyone. So this is one of the things. So when you find the blocks that you have to loving yourself, this is how you heal. And this is basically my little intuitive gift is I can tell people where their blocks are to loving themselves, and then when you remove those blocks, the anxiety, the alarm just kind of fades away. So this is really going at the root cause protocol as opposed to just trying to make you think better.

Mel Robbins (00:39:55):

It makes so much sense, and I don't know if it's his voice or his wisdom or just how clear the takeaway is, but I feel so empowered listening to him, and I love sharing this with you. And again, you can find these YouTube episodes. Just Google, Dr. Kennedy and Mel Robbins, you'll find them on our YouTube channel. We've linked to all three episodes that he has appeared in the resources below. Coming up, we have a whole casserole of big topics, and let's talk about diversity of things that we talked about this year together. We're going to go to narcissism, and then we're going to talk about clutter, and then we're going to talk about dreams. Stay with us. Hey, it's your friend, Mel, and do not skip this because I have something to give you four free. No kidding. Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024.

(00:40:49):

Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29 page workbook. I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos, supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024, and then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it. Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way, you and me, baby. Let's create the best year ever. Just click the link, boom. I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute, and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so thrilled that you are here with me because I'm walking through the expert advice. In fact, eight pieces of expert advice from some of the most amazing people that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast this year.

(00:41:36):

And I'm sharing them with you because these are not only the things that I put to use in my own life, and I see a huge difference, but I know based on your comments and based on the popularity of these episodes, that these are the pieces of advice that changed your life too. And the fifth expert that changed my life this year is Dr. Ramani. Now, I've known Dr. Ramani for a long time, and she never ceases to amaze me. She appeared on the show several times, and she's one of the world's leading experts on narcissism. And I have shared very openly that there is somebody in my life that I'm not naming who absolutely struggles with narcissistic tendencies. We, of course, learned from our experts on the show that narcissists don't get diagnosed because they don't think that there's a problem with them. And so one huge insight that has profoundly changed my life is the medical fact that narcissists do not change. They cannot change. So do not expect them to. If you are in a clinical setting and you are working with a narcissist who is self-motivated to try to change, how much can they change?

Dr. Ramani (00:42:53):

That's a great question. So I've worked with many clients like this. You're going to get, the best we can hope for is a little bit more accountability. They'll still have rage, but they might catch it and apologize a little bit more. They are still going to roll their eyes when they don't want to listen to someone, but they'll maybe do it less.