Episode: 146
3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want
a Solo Episode
Master the art and science of giving and receiving love.
Get the simple tools to improve all kinds of love: romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, mentorship, and even the smallest, simplest daily acts of love.
Whether you want to show love more fully or feel more loved yourself, this episode is your guide to creating meaningful connections.
Listen on:
Love is simply making people know that they matter to you.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
I'm addressing one of the most controversial things I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast. That one sentence has been a lightning rod. It's incredible. Every single day, listeners from around the world write in and they tell me, I love it when you say that. And there are those of you that freaking hate it, loath it. You have a visceral kind of reaction when you hear me say it. So maybe we should talk about love. Why are we not telling more people in our life that we love them? Why are we so stingy with love? And I think we make the mistake of assuming people know how we feel about them. I want you to expand your definition of love because it is all around you.
(00:54):
Hey, it's Mel, and I am so glad you're here. It is an honor to be able to spend some time with you today. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for tuning in. Welcome to the Mel Rob, I can't even get it out. I'm so excited to talk to you. Thank you for what am I even talking about? Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I'm Mel Robbins, and after that, it's going to be hard to believe that I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's most trusted experts on confidence and motivation, but I am and I still screw up. I am so glad that you're here. I love that you could listen to a ton of different things, but you chose to listen to this podcast and the reason why you did is because you know it could help you improve your life.
(01:38):
And I think that's really cool. So I want to acknowledge you for taking time for yourself. I love that about you. And in fact, you're going to love today's topic because today I'm addressing one of the most controversial things I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast. And if you've been a long time listener, you're probably thinking, what could that be? Well, it's going to surprise you. It's really going to surprise you. I had no idea how controversial it would be for me to say I love you on the Mel Robbins podcast. I kid you not. The most controversial thing I have ever said on the Mel Robbins podcast is when I end every single podcast by saying, and in case no one else tells you this. Today, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
(02:40):
That one sentence and those three words I love you has been a lightning rod. It's incredible. Every single day listeners from around the world write in and they tell me, I love it when you say that you are the only person that says that to me in my life. I listen all the way to the end just to hear you tell me that Mel. And there are those of you that freaking hate it, loath it. You have a visceral kind of reaction when you hear me say it. And in fact, I'm going to read some of the comments that listeners have sent to us about the fact that they hate it when I tell them I love you. And for me, it's kind of mind blowing that it's controversial to say, I love you to somebody. It's just mind blowing. I did not expect that response.
(03:35):
And so today I want to address it. I'm going to tell you the story about why I end the show by telling you I love you, why I end every newsletter that I write with the words, I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life. Why I end every YouTube video that I put up with those exact same words to you. And I'm also going to make the case as to why I mean it. See, I think the issue is that you have love defined in a very narrow way. And when you define love in a very narrow way, you limit your ability to experience it and to express it. And today I want to expand your definition of love. And there's a simple reason why I want to do that. Because if you are able to embrace a more expansive experience of love in your life, you will feel it more.
(04:37):
And in my opinion, that's why we're here. You and I are here on this planet living this life because we are meant to give and receive love. You're meant to experience it, and it is all around you just waiting for you to be open to how it shows up and to be open to giving it more freely. And I used to have a very, very narrow definition of love, and I'm going to get into what that was and how it's evolved and how that's changed my life. But first, I want to tell you the story of how I even came to sign off the podcast and sign off my newsletters and sign off my YouTube videos by saying, and in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you because I was inspired by somebody else.
(05:29):
So in order to tell you the origin story of how I became inspired to tell you that I love you and that I believe in you, I got to take you all the way back to, gosh, 2013, I was at one of my very, very, very first ever speaking events. I mean, I was not getting paid. I was brand new to this whole motivational speaking world. And I had been asked to come down and speak at this huge women's conferences. And one of the main keynote speakers was a woman that I had never seen before. I had never heard her name, but I'm going to tell you something. After hearing her speak, I was never the same Again, her name is Linda Cliatt-Wayman, and she was giving a keynote address to about 12,000 women at the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Now, lemme tell you a little bit about Linda.
(06:24):
So Linda is a former special education teacher who was teaching in Philadelphia. And as she kind of grew through her career, she went from being a special education teacher up into working in the superintendent's office and being an assistant superintendent. And there was this school in the district called Strawberry Mansion, and it was considered one of the most dangerous failing schools in the entire state of Pennsylvania. In fact, this school had gone through four principals in four years. Just wrap your brain around that the school is so tough that a principal would come in, be there for a year. I'm out next principal, I'm out next principal, I'm out next principal, I'm out. I mean, just think about the message that sends in and of itself to the teachers and to the students that are in this school. And so nobody would take the job.
(07:18):
So Linda volunteered and she stepped in as principal and she was telling the story about how she turned that school around and about her philosophy of leadership and her philosophy of hope. And what she said is that the biggest thing that is missing for students who struggle with disadvantage is hope that students, any students, even students at the most dangerous failing schools, they're capable of achieving, they're capable of learning and they are capable of greatness. And I'm here to tell you the same is true with adults. I don't care what the circumstances are of your life, I don't care what you're dealing with right now. You are capable of achieving, you are capable of learning, and you are capable of greatness. And I hope that when you listen to this podcast, you are reminded of that fact because it is true. And as she's telling her story and she's talking about her philosophy of hope and of being the person that holds out the possibility and the potential that is inside you, that her belief is something that you can borrow from her belief in you is something that she wants to communicate.
(08:45):
So she's up here telling the story, and it's almost like listening to a sermon when somebody speaks like that and there's just a rhythm to their voice and you're just like, yes, yes, we are capable of achieving. Absolutely everybody has potential inside them. Yes, yes, yes. And she goes on to talk about this ritual that she had of how she ended every single day. Now, mind you, this was like a decade ago. I don't know if schools have this anymore, but there was a PA system where you could make an announcement over the loudspeakers in every single one of the classrooms and in the hallways, and she would end every day by picking up the microphone and using that microphone as her pulpit. This is what she would say at the end of every school day,
Linda Cliatt-Wayman (09:41):
If nobody told you they loved you today, you remember I do and I always will.
Mel Robbins (09:51):
Then she added, and I expect to see you back here bright and early, dressed in your uniform, ready to learn. And she meant it. She meant it for her. Love is the belief in you. Love is when you believe in somebody and you believe in their potential. And because she believes that everyone has potential. That's why she can say, I love you. And when she explained this, that she would stand in the principal's office with that microphone in her hand and she would tell each and every one of those students in the state's most dangerous and failing school, if no one told you they loved you today, remember I do and I always will. It was as if God was talking to me like lightning struck. I had such a powerful epiphany as I listened to her because I thought to myself, that is what love is.
(11:19):
I mean, what else would it be? But truly seeing and believing in the potential of somebody else
Mel Robbins (11:30):
And that love by the way, it made an incredible difference. She has now transformed three low performing schools. In fact, one of her schools before she stepped in and started sending this message of love to each and every person every day ending the school day before she stepped in, only 3% of the students were proficient in math. Only 9% of the students were proficient in reading. By the time she was done spreading this gospel of hope and of love and of potential and of belief in you, 94% of the seniors were accepted to college. So as you might imagine, everybody on the planet wanted to know her secret. How did you do this? How did you turn around three bottom of the barrel dangerous schools and literally tap into the potential of all these children? Here's what she said.
Linda Cliatt-Wayman (12:24):
If someone asked me my real secret, I would have to say that I love my students and I believe in their possibilities unconditionally when I look at them. I can only see what they can become.
Mel Robbins (12:42):
I'm telling you, that's powerful stuff right there. That is the secret. That's the secret honestly for every human being in terms of how do you connect more deeply? How do you unlock the potential in people? You have to love them. You have to believe in their possibilities unconditionally. You got to be able to look at somebody and say, I get it. It's really hard. I see what miserable circumstances you're dealing with, and you want to know what I can see what you can become. I can see the greatness inside you. I can see that you are bigger than this moment. That is what she's saying when she says, I love you and I believe in you. And you know what else she's doing? She's tapping into extraordinarily important research that you need to know. So there is this study that was done by Harvard's National Scientific Council on the developing child. And here's the takeaway, and I think this goes way beyond just what children need. Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult.
(13:56):
And you hear that and you're like, well, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Why? Well, because if you have a coach or a pastor or a mentor or an older brother or sister or a person in your community or a caregiver or a grandparent that believes in you, that is loving to you and that sees the potential in you, that impacts you forever.
Mel Robbins (14:20):
And when you don't have that, that can impact you forever. And if I extrapolate that to the work environment, the research bears the same thing, that the single biggest indicator that somebody is going to fail at a job or leave a job is the belief that nobody in a position of power at work believes in me. So why even bother? Each and every one of us comes alive when we feel loved and when we feel that somebody sees the possibility inside of us hearing her story, it just inspired me at such a deep level and it made me start to question, why are we so stingy with love?
(14:58):
Why are we not telling more people in our life that we love them? I mean, it feels so good, doesn't it? When somebody tells you, is it amazing when you're in a situation where somebody tells you that they believe in you, that they know you're going to get through something, that they give you hope when you start beating yourself up, of course it feels amazing. And you want to know the simple formula for experiencing anything in your life that you want to feel more of, give it, be more generous with it. When you start to give away the things that you really want, it comes back to you a hundred fold. And that's what we're going to talk about today. So as I started to be more generous with the I love views and the hugs and the I believes in you, I started telling my family, I told aunts and uncles and cousins and friends, and then I started incorporating it into my day-to-day life with people I'd never met before.
(15:55):
And I'm going to give you all kinds of examples. And that of course led me inspired by Linda when I launched this podcast and I started writing my newsletter to make sure that I ended each and every conversation by telling you in case nobody else tells you today, I wanted to be sure that I told you that I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life and you better believe, I mean, so maybe we should talk about love. What is it anyway? Stop and think right now about your own life. Who are the people in your life that you love?
(16:37):
Just take a minute and think about it. I'm sure you're listing off family members, right? Maybe there's a friend or two. Maybe it's your partner or your roommates or some classmates. Maybe it's one of your pets.
Mel Robbins (16:51):
What if it were a whole lot bigger? What if that list could include anybody? If you look at the dictionary, love is described as a feeling of affection. But in my book, that's not what love is because I believe that love is something that's way bigger and that it's something that you demonstrate to people when they matter to you. That's what I believe love is. See, I think it's a way of demonstrating to someone that they matter to you. Or as the Dalai Lama said, love can be defined as just a wish that others be happy. And here's what's so fascinating about love is that if you, just for just argument's sake, take on my definition that love is making people know that they matter to you.
(17:54):
That's an act of love. And you've certainly been on the receiving end of it, haven't you? When somebody has gone out of their way and done something nice for you or remembered your birthday or they've, I dunno, picked up a little bit of slack at work, it feels good, doesn't it? It makes you feel like you matter. And I think that's what we all want. In fact, I know that's what we all want. We all want to be seen for who we are. We want to be heard and we want to feel like we matter. And to take this just a step further, there's a huge difference between love and liking someone. And I think this is important because
Mel Robbing (18:38):
It is possible to love someone and not like them at the same time. In fact, sometimes I wonder if the reason why we all have families is to teach us how to love people that we don't really like.
(18:55):
People can matter to you and you can demonstrate that they matter to you by showing up, by making the phone call, by giving them a hug. And you can do that at a moment in time where you don't really like them right now. I mean, I feel that way a lot with my family that I love them to the end of the earth, but there are moments where I just don't like them. And the reason why this is really important is because I want you to expand your definition of love because it is all around you. And if you start to think about it like, well, love is just demonstrating that you matter to me. That's all the love is demonstrating that you matter to me and feeling love. That's what you feel when somebody else makes you feel like you matter. It's really, really simple.
(19:48):
It has nothing to do with sex, has nothing to do with any attraction chemicals. This is about mattering. And this feels like a really good moment to hit pause because I do want to give some love to our sponsors. I do love our sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast because they allow me to bring you this show at zero cost. So let's give them a little bit of love, listen to what they have to say, and when we return, we got a lot to cover. I got to get into what's so controversial about this. I also want to teach you the three science backed research supported ways that you can start to bring more love into your life starting today. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I love that you are still here for real. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here for this conversation.
(20:38):
I know this is going to be one of those episodes that you write to me about and you're like, this was exactly what I needed to hear today, Mel. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And I can't to hear how this new definition of love really starts to help you improve your life because it will. Because this is what life is about in my opinion. So let's zoom out even more. Another mistake that everybody makes you think you got to like somebody in order to love them. No, you don't. No, you don't. Because loving is something so much deeper. You also think it's only for people that you're related to or that you're dating. Not true, not true at all. In fact, it's not even just for people that you know very well. I'm going to give you some examples.
Mel Robbins (21:20):
You know who I love? I love our UPS driver, Mike. And let me tell you why I love him. I love him because I live in Vermont, so I have his cell phone number. We text back and forth because obviously Vermont and lots of rural roads, and there'll be days where it's snowing and he can't get up our driveway. So what does Mike do? He text me, Hey Mel, I couldn't get up the driveway. So I wrapped the package in a garbage bag and stuck it behind the birch tree. Just wanted to let you know it was there. And if he text me back within 30 minutes, I can pick it back up if you're not home. Thanks, Mike. Why do I text back? I love you, Mike. I love you, Mike. Why do I love Mike? Well, it's not because we're family. It's not even because we're friends. It's because he matters to me.
(22:09):
And the thing that he did by texting me and putting that package behind that birch tree and letting me know, you know what that is, that's an act of love. He's making me feel like I matter. That right there is love. And Paul, here's another person that I love. Paul is the person that does all the maintenance in the building where our new 1, 4 3 studios is in Boston. I fricking love this guy. He is always smiling. He has a can-do attitude. He always helps us out with all kinds of stuff. I don't know a lot about Paul, but I love Paul. I know he is divorced. I know he is got kids, and I know that he makes me feel like I matter. And I hope, Paul, if you're listening, I hope that we operate in a way that makes how much we love you because we appreciate all the things that you do for us just because you do him, because it makes us feel like we matter.
(23:01):
Here's another example of love this podcast and being here with you twice a week and everything that everybody on my team does in order to put this together and think of the topics and create the videos and edit this down, and I'm sitting here with a bunch of colleagues. Why do we do this? It's an act of love. It is something that I do and I pour so much time and so much energy into it because I really hope as you listen to this, you feel like you matter. You feel like I believe in the potential of your life, which is why I am dragging these experts onto this show and making 'em break this stuff down. And it's why I share not the best moments, but usually the worst moments so that you know that you're not alone. Why? Because I want you to know that you matter no matter how hard things are, that you're not alone.
(23:59):
And that I believe in your ability to face it and to make it a little better through the little changes and the little actions. That's why I'm doing this. So why would I just hint? Why would I just put this out there and hope that you know that? Why not just tell you which is why I am doing it? That's why. Because I know the difference that it makes because I feel it in my own life. And that brings me to the controversy. I never expected that this would be controversial. Never in a million years. I mean the first time I heard anybody tell me about this idea, I literally felt like I was struck by divine lightning and that this was the meaning of life and that this was the smartest thing I had ever heard anybody say. And I immediately wished that every single school on the planet ends every day this way just so that every kid in every teacher gets to hear somebody say, I love you and I believe in you.
(25:02):
Because isn't that the greatest thing in the world to hear somebody say that? And so when I just started doing it my own life, nobody kind of tells you, you don't love me in person. But I'll tell you what, you end a podcast by saying, I love you and I believe in you,
Mel Robbins (25:20):
And I believe in your ability to create a better life. Holy smokes. I did not expect the level of anger from some people around the world. I mean, it's kind of sad too. And I'm going to unpack why I think it's kind of sad. And yes, I'm going to let them. I'm going to let them and I'll let you be angry about it, and I'm going to let you have your feelings about it because you want to know what another act of love is, letting adults be adults and letting adults have their emotions and letting adults do what they want to do.
(25:53):
And it also is an act of love for me to keep doing what I want to do. And so there's a lot of you that write in every single day from around the world and say thank you. Thank you for all the encouragement, Mel. It's been a long time since anyone has made me feel seen, let alone heard your words of love and endearing sentiment Make me cry.
Mel Robbins (26:25):
Just this morning I got a note from a woman who wrote in to say that I am the only person in her entire adult life who has said those three words. I love you and I believe in you. To her, since she's been an adult, that breaks my heart. Nobody should go through life without hearing those words from somebody who means it. And so I just assumed that everybody would love hearing it because I love hearing it. But that hasn't been the case. I've gotten a lot of people writing in this one from John. Mel doesn't even know I exist. I mean, it sounds bleak, but it isn't. It is just that she can't possibly, there are too many of us. You need to know someone in order to be able to truly say such things like I believe in you and I love you. I'm here to tell you no, you do not need to know someone. To know someone.
(27:33):
Let's say that again. You do not need to know someone in order to truly know someone. Everyone, everyone including you, has so much potential inside of them. Everyone including you has the ability to achieve incredible things. And I truly believe that having one human being who believes in you, it ignites a level of hope that allows you to dream big and allows you to pull yourself up and allows you to take that next step. And so no, I don't need to have ever met you. I don't need to know you because I know that you being seen and you being heard and you feeling like somebody on this big old planet believes that there is more to you than your job or your relationship status or your bank account or the number on the scale that you weigh or all of the mistakes or all of the successes that there is somebody that knows that there is potential and there is heart and there is soul, and there is goodness inside of you.
(29:02):
And that's the part of you that I believe in. And so no, I don't need to know you. And yes, I already do because you want the same things that I want. You want to be seen, you want to be heard, and you want to feel like you matter. I even got a real doozy recently. You know how I often say I feel like the universe is always programming this? I swear to goodness. This came in this morning from our newsletter audience. More than a million people read our newsletter that I send out twice a week. This one is from Trish. She actually sent it this morning. Mel, you say you love me and believe me, you don't know me. Who am I, where I live, what I struggle with, where I get joy from? Don't spout this crap at me. I know what's important in my life. I know what's real. I'm unsubscribed. I really don't need this. You may think I do for my response, but I assure you I don't. Okay?
(30:01):
There were a lot of explanation points. That's why I read it that way. And she did unsubscribe from the newsletter. And you want to know what? That's okay because love is not transactional. And whether she is a subscriber or not, I still love her. I still see the potential in her. I still believe in her. And that's what I'm trying to get you to really, really open your arms to that it's not about somebody liking you, it's not about knowing somebody. It's about how you show up with an open heart and a giving spirit and seeing the best and the possibility in everybody else. Here's what's interesting about this.
(30:46):
I don't think your response tells me anything about whether or not you need love because I think we all need it, but I have a suspicion about where the response comes from. See, so many of us grew up in households where love and that feeling like you mattered or that feeling of being seen was very transactional. And let me explain that. Have you ever had that experience or remember a time when you were growing up where you felt like you only got positive attention when one of your caregivers was in a good mood or you only felt like you mattered when you got good grades or you performed well at school? Or there was something that caregivers could brag about that there was a tit for tat that, and this also works in the way that if your caregivers do something nice for you, that somehow you should bend over backwards that because they've bought you something.
(31:58):
Now you need to show up a certain way that your mattering was conditional, that somebody's affection or their attention toward you was conditional, that you had to earn it, that you couldn't count on it. And see, I certainly am one of those people that really felt like, okay, I got to prove that I am worthy of the love. I got to prove that I'm worthy of the accolade. I got to prove that I deserve to be told I love you, or I deserve to be told I did a good job. What if there was a universe that you could live in where you just mattered because you mattered? What if there was a way to move through your life where you were open to people believing in you where it didn't come with strings attached? That's the other thing is that for so many people, love has been very painful because the people closest to you really hurt you.
(33:00):
And so that's made you pull back and go, I don't trust this and I can't count on it. And so when I read a response that's like that, how dare you, that to me points to somebody whose past experiences have made love very inconsistent and made somebody believe that that only comes in very limited supply and you can't count on it and in only certain conditions. And that's the exact opposite of love in my book. It's the exact opposite. That love is limitless. That if you take on this definition that it's simply making somebody feel like they matter. And if you had a childhood where you felt like you didn't, of course you would be suspicious or have a visceral response when somebody moves through the world and just believes that you do, what if it wasn't something that you earn? And I'm going to go back to one of the original things that I said to you.
(34:10):
See, I think the whole purpose of life, the whole reason why we're here, it is to experience this incredible feeling of love, to be present to it, to give it to other people, to receive this feeling of mattering, to tap into it because it's all around you. It really truly is. And you think that it's maybe just reserved for a few people. And see, I think it's for all of us. And that's why I can say I love you and I believe in you because I really do see, I think there is limitless potential in you. I believe that you can create a better life for yourself. I believe that you do matter not for anything that you did, but just because of who you are. And when you feel that for real, what happens? Anything you fricking want, because it's the most incredible fuel in the world to feel like somebody believes in you.
(35:30):
And for far too many of us, we need to borrow that belief from other people, which is why it's so important to be generous with it. Because if you think you're hard on yourself, everybody else that is just as hard on themselves. And when you start to become more generous with making other people feel like they matter, it comes back to you. Oh, it's so amazing. And you also start to crack other people open the mask that we are behind. Or as Brene Brown talks about the armor that we're all got around us and we're protecting ourselves. When you start to be more effusive and generous, all that stuff just comes down. So I want to talk a little bit about how do you actually do this? What are some ways that you can bring more love into your day-to-day life? I'm glad you asked.
(36:23):
After a short word from our sponsors who you know I love, I will be waiting for you and I'm going to teach you the three research back ways you can be bringing and feeling more love into your day-to-day life starting today. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I love that you are here with me. I love this topic and I love what we're about to talk about, which is what research says about bringing more love into your life. And these are simple things that you can start doing right now as soon as you're done listening to this. So let's talk about the first one and the first way that you can do this is every single day, just do something on purpose to make someone else feel like they matter to you. That's it. That's all that this takes. I kid you not, you don't need to grab the microphone at your school system and tell everybody in the school system that you love them and believe them.
(37:20):
I mean, that would be a wonderful thing to do. But if you were to just do something on purpose to make someone feel like they matter to you, that is enough. I love this quote from Mother Teresa, spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. So here's how you can do this. If someone pops into your mind, I'm going to wait. Just take a minute. Let's let someone that you love, you haven't talked to 'em in a while, you're expanding this definition. Maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a classmate, maybe it's an old neighbor. Maybe it's a sister-in-law that got divorced from your brother. I don't know who it is. Maybe it's a former teacher.
(38:08):
Maybe you love the person that taught your puppy classes because your dog is now housebroken and don't you love that person? Of course you love that person. So here's what you're going to do. Now that you have a person in mind, I want you to go through your photos on your phone and find a photo of them or the past or your dog or whatever and text them the photo and just say, I loved spending the stay with you. Or I love this photo because it reminds me of you. Or I love this because it makes me think of your laugh and I miss you. That is it. That is it. It is literally that little that will bring the experience of love into your life. And there are two pieces of research I want to pull into our conversation because most of you will listen to me and you won't do it.
(39:00):
And I'm going to remind you, this is not just a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. You can listen to me all day, talk all the time about love, but you got to do something. And the research here is really, really cool. So there is this incredible study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and the lead investigator is a guy by the name of Dr. Robert Waldinger.
Mel Robbins (39:26):
And he says that the number one reason why people struggle in relationships and struggle to feel this deep connection that you matter is for the same reason you struggle in other areas of your life. You ready? You worry about whether or not you're doing it right? You literally think of somebody, your college roommate, you start to pull out photos and you're like, is that the right photo? Or should I send that photo? I don't know, is right now the right thing?
(39:53):
Or you think you have to do it a certain way? It's simply not true. There is no wrong way to do this If you're simply reaching out to somebody to say, I'm thinking about you. I love this about you, boom. You cannot get that wrong.
Mel Robbins (40:06):
And there's this other amazing study from the University of Chicago that basically says even turning to a stranger and chatting up and having a conversation with a stranger creates this feeling like you matter. And I'm going to do a brag right now. I'm freaking awesome at this. I am so awesome at this. In fact, just this morning I was eating breakfast alone at a hotel and I was sitting kind of like at the bar area and I had ordered my breakfast and a guy came over to refill the coffee and we just started chatting. And I can tell you he does not like living in Los Angeles.
(40:47):
He grew up in southern Illinois. He tried the Hollywood entertainment thing and discovered that he really likes intellectual property. He misses the Four Seasons. He wants to go to law school. He's been thinking about applying to law schools in New York, Boston and Washington dc. He has just spent $1,800 for a prep class to take the lsat. How do I know all these details? Because we started talking and I started asking him questions. And we got into this deep conversation because I was just interested. Now, how do you think he felt when he walked away from pouring that coffee?
(41:30):
He felt like he mattered. You want to know how I felt? I felt the love coming right on back. The big smile, the questions back. This study from the University of Chicago, it basically confirms what I'm telling you, that you under predict how happy a random social interaction with a stranger will make you like turning to the person next to you on the bus or chatting with the person behind you in the line at the grocery store that can open up something that makes you feel like you matter a little bit, makes somebody else shake out of this sense of social isolation or let, they're just walking through their life invisible. Somebody sees them and that somebody is you. And that study from the University of Chicago also says you completely overestimate the mess of talking to somebody else. And you don't even think about how beneficial it is.
(42:28):
And here's simple ways that you can do it. So our FedEx driver, I guess I have something with the folks that drive delivery trucks, but you want to know what our FedEx driver, I've never even met the person who drives the FedEx truck because I'm always upstairs in the office when the FedEx comes. But do you know what the FedEx driver does? He puts these two little dog bones on top of the packages, and that's even when our dogs aren't there. That's an act of love, making our family feel like we matter, noticing that we have dogs that is love right there. And do not underestimate what a big deal that is. Or maybe the bus driver, when the bus driver picks up the kids every morning, they got a funny hat on or a bow tie. Have you ever told them how much you love that about them?
(43:15):
That level of intentionality, that is a sign of love. You matter to me. That's why I'm dressing up. I want to make this fun. I'm putting the effort in. Why wouldn't you tell somebody that you love that about them not telling them that is some stingy ass stuff you're doing right there. Do not hold that in. Or how about this? How many times have you been in the grocery store and you're standing there like, okay, where is the cilantro? It looks like everything else. Is that parsley? Is it cilantro? And next to you, is somebody working at the grocery store and they are meticulously stacking the zucchini to look like art?
(43:59):
How hard is it to turn that person and say, I just love your attention to detail. Thank you for doing that. You make this look so nice. How do you think it makes that person feel? Absolutely unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable to feel the power of appreciation. I talk about this a lot when I'm giving presentations to corporations and doing trainings.
Mel Robbins (44:24):
There's something called the law of reciprocity. Have you ever heard of this thing? The law of reciprocity? This is so good. This is so intertwined with love. This is why you need to express it more. You need to be more generous with it because you are missing out on one of the most incredible forces out there, the law of reciprocity. You do nice by me, I do nice by you.
(44:56):
And I'm going to give you an example. Have you ever walked into a mall or a building that has a double set of doors? So you got to open that first door, and then you walk into the vestibule and then there's a second door. If you've ever had that experience and somebody gets to the door before you and they hold open that first door, and you walk past them and through the vestibule right into the second door, what do you do? You hold the door for them. Like you basically trip over yourself to get that door open for them. Why? Because by holding the door, they did something nice to you. They made you feel like you matter. And it is part of human nature. The law of reciprocity to reciprocate you can be the first domino, the more effusive and generous you are. I love you.
(45:46):
I love that you did that. Thank you for showing up. I love this about you. I love that day we spent together. The law of reciprocity kicks in and you start to experience it back the second way that you can bring more love into your life. Let's look at some of the research from the number one love researcher, Dr. John Gottman. Dr. John Gottman was asked, what's the best thing to do to improve any relationship? And you want to know what he said? Be a good listener, be a good listener. I already mentioned the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is one of the most important studies of all time about relationships. It's basically cited in probably every personal development book that you read. Do you want to know the most basic and important form of love based on this 70 year study at Harvard?
(46:41):
Attention? Because when you give somebody your attention, you put the phone down, or better yet you put it away and you look somebody in the eyes and you listen. You're giving them attention, which makes them feel and know that they matter, which unlocks this experience of being loved by you. A lot of us have had the experience of not feeling loved by your parents. Why? Because you didn't get their attention. You didn't feel visible. You didn't feel like you mattered, which is why you didn't feel loved and why you feel like this is some transactional thing that you have to earn. No, it's not at all. When you give people your time and attention, you are making them feel like they matter. And in fact, that brings me back to this podcast and to my newsletter and to YouTube. Every time you tune in, you are giving me your attention.
(47:48):
And I do not take that lightly. You make me feel like I matter, which is why I say I love you. Thank you. I love that you give me your attention. I do not take that lightly, which is why I pour my heart and soul into trying to put something out that lifts you up and feels worthy of your time because I want you to know that you matter to me. And now let's talk about the third way that you can bring more love into your life. And I've been hinting at this sucker hard and I've been doing it. Tell 'em. Tell 'em. In fact, if there's somebody that you love and you don't want to say it, send them this episode. I'll tell 'em if somebody sent you this episode, they want you to know they love you and that you matter to them and that they're sorry.
(48:36):
They don't say it more and that they're going to start saying it more and that they really just love you. They want you to know that. And this is so important, especially in the moment of time that we're living in. I worry so much about how isolated so many of you are. I worry about those of you that write in and say, I'm the only person that says this to you. I don't want that for you. I am happy that I am providing so much empowerment and inspiration, and I want you to know that I do love you, but I want you to experience this more. And it is my request that one of the things that you do is you take this episode and you really apply what I'm saying. The next time you go to the grocery store or the next time you're sitting on the bus or the next time you're talking to your sister, you be the one to say it.
(49:37):
Don't sit around waiting for somebody else to say it. You be the one to text that friend you haven't talked to and send them that photo and say, I just really loved that day and I just wanted to reach out and say, I'm kind of mad that we don't live near each other, but I love you anyway. I promise you, you start giving it out. It'll start coming back to you. And I think this is especially important in families that there are some families that are like, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love, and we're a little bit like that in our family. And then there are those families where you never say it. I have a very, very good friend who is in his late fifties and his dad's health is declining. And just a couple of weeks ago was the very first time as his father was laying there in a hospital that his dad said to him, I love you and I'm so proud of you, and I'm going to tell you something.
(50:43):
My friend had been waiting his entire life to hear those words. And I think we make the mistake of assuming people know how we feel about them. And maybe you grew up in a family that doesn't hug, isn't that affectionate, doesn't say those three words. I'm here to tell you something. You're listening to this podcast for a reason because you're the one that's supposed to break that cycle. You're the one that's supposed to break the dam. My friend has been telling his dad that he loves him for as long as he can remember. And two weeks ago, it was the first time he heard it back and it was so worth the wait. And something interesting happened. I was talking to him the other day and he just had to laugh. He's like, I don't know what the hell happened. Maybe. He said, every time I talk to him now, he's like, I love you. I love you. I tell my wife, I love you because now he understands how good it feels now that his time is limited. He doesn't want to miss out on experiencing what that's like and what it brings into your life. And so it's not just about waiting around to receive it. It's about giving it and giving it and giving it. And it is never too late to tell somebody that ever just kind of letting that sit in for a minute.
(52:23):
I'm thinking about all the people I love. I'm about to go see my husband Chris, and we're going to go see our daughter, and then we're going to go back home. And I'm just thinking about all the people that I love in my life. And even though I've never met you, I am thinking about you. Whether you're in your car or you're walking your dog or you're folding your laundry, or you're taking a walk, or you're at the gym or you're watching me on YouTube, I wanted to be sure in case nobody else tells you to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to change your life and to feel and give and receive and experience more love in your life. And I really love the fact that every time you tune in, you absolutely make me feel like I matter. And I love you. And while we're on the topic here on YouTube, I would love it if you would hit the subscribe that would really make me feel like I'd matter. And also it helps me bring you incredible videos every single day. And while we're on the topic of love, check out this one next.
Key takeaways
Love means believing in what someone can become, not just what they’ve done.
If love is withheld unless you perform or behave, that’s not love, it’s control.
You’re starving for love but hoarding it like it’s scarce—stop waiting to feel it and start giving it, especially when no one else does. (Character count: 167)
Attention is love in its most basic form. When you put your phone down and listen, you tell someone loud and clear: you matter.
Linda Cliatt-Wayman told students “If no one told you they love you today, remember I do and I always will”. And that changed the culture and the community of the school she worked in.
Resources
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- Linda Cliatt-Wayman: website.
- Linda Cliatt-Wayman: TED Talk.
- Linda Cliatt-Wayman: Modern Hero.
- Harvard Graduate School of Education: The science of resilience.
- Harvard Center on The Developing Child: 8 things to remember about child development.
- Harvard Center on the Developing Child: The effect of neglect on a developing brain.
- The Harvard Study of Adult Development: website.
- The Harvard Study of Adult Development: The Good Life, Dr. R. Waldinger
- The Gottman Institute website.
- The Gottman Institute: The first duty of love is to listen.
- University of Chicago: Why talking to strangers will make you happier.
- Computers in Human Behavior: Smartphones reduce smiles between strangers.
- The High 5 Habit book, Mel Robbins
- The High 5 Habit audiobook, Mel Robbins
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