Episode: 17
How Do I Learn to Love Myself, Really?
with Oakley Robbins
This is not a “podcast interview.”
This is an intimate conversation between a mother and a son about the most important topic you could discuss: self-love.
Mel and her 17-year-old son Oakley talk about self-love in a completely unique, surprising, and tactical way.
Even if you’ve spent your whole life being hard on yourself, you will get some tools that will help you learn to love yourself.
Listen on:
You are the only person that you need to please.
Oakley Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:03):
This is really like your debut on the podcast.
Oakley Robbins (00:06):
Feels great. Glad to be here.
Mel Robbins (00:08):
I want to talk to you about the topic of self-love because the majority of people struggle with accepting, liking and loving themselves,
Oakley Robbins (00:18):
Right?
Mel Robbins (00:18):
And you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough, truly authentically liking and loving yourself. Was there a moment that you had an epiphany or like what fricking happened?
Oakley Robbins (00:35):
Yeah, I'd love to tell you.
Mel Robbins (00:36):
Okay. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely fricking amazing episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. I got to take a deep breath because I have some serious goosebumps about what's going to go down today with you and me. You're about to hear a conversation that I just had with our 17-year-old son Oakley. Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about self-hatred and self-acceptance and learning how to be kinder to yourself and self-love. You're going to hear that our son used to struggle deeply with hating himself, and this was happening during elementary school, during middle school, and it was absolutely terrifying for Chris and I to watch one of our kids struggle so profoundly. He was always picked on. He didn't have a lot of friends, he spent a lot of time alone. He always felt like the odd guy out, and we tried absolutely everything to reach this kid to help him.
(01:47):
So Oak and I had this long conversation about it because now he's 17 and he is so happy. In fact, he's one of the most self-accepting and self-assured and self-loving people I know. And you're going to hear that 17-year-old happier version of him. And the reason why I wanted to share this really personal conversation with you is because Oakley and what he's going to share with you about self-hatred and how he started to learn to accept himself and be kind to himself and love himself, this is proof that you can learn how to accept yourself and be kinder to yourself and even how to love yourself and who you're becoming at any age. I mean, I think it's incredible that he figured this out so young for me. I've been working on this literally daily and I'm 54. And so if you struggle with self-acceptance, if you struggle with being kind to yourself, it is never too early or too late to have an enormous breakthrough in your relationship to yourself.
(02:54):
And this is really important. It's really important because based on the research, there was this massive study done in the UK where they took a look at absolutely every single behavior or attitude change you could make or you could practice in terms of improving your life. They looked at everything. They looked at changing your diet, practicing gratitude, having a meditation practice, exercising regularly, seeing your friends more, all the things that we know we should be doing. But do you know that the single behavior change that has the biggest and most profound impact on your quality of your day-to-day life is simply being kinder to yourself? Yeah, that's right. According to the research
Mel Robbins (03:39):
Being kinder to yourself, learning how to accept and love yourself, it is the biggest mover in terms of your happiness, meaning, confidence, all of it. And the sad thing about the study is that habit of being kinder to yourself, of accepting yourself, of loving yourself. It's the one we practice the least. And so today's episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast is a deeply personal, encouraging, optimistic at times funny because it's so relatable and sad conversation that could change your life. And I'm going to invite you to listen because I'm sure there are aspects of yourself that you hate or that you trash. I'm sure like me, you're still working on being kind to yourself and loving yourself. And so there's something here for you and there's definitely something here for you to share with the high schoolers and college kids and middle schoolers in your life. And the reason why is it's one thing when adults tell you what to do, but when you hear a kid like Oakley describe in detail the things he hated about himself when he was in sixth grade and seventh grade and eighth grade, these are things I didn't even know that he hated about himself.
(04:54):
This is so relatable to other kids and to other young adults that you're going to want to share this with everybody. And by the way, the that this is going to go is I'm going to bring you into this really personal conversation that Oakley and I had. And then there are going to be times where I stop and I unpack something because there's something profound and deeper going on. Or there'll be times where I stop and I give you more tools that you can use so that you can learn how to love yourself and practice this habit of being kinder to yourself. Because this is exactly what my last book, the High Five Habit was all about, the science and the research and the habits of learning how to be kind to and cheer for and love yourself. And one final thing that I want to say before we jump into this is I know that many of you're going to write to me about my relationship with Oakley because that's what happened when you heard the episode where my daughter Kendall and I were talking.
(05:52):
The fact is I do have a really unique relationship with Oak, and it's probably a byproduct of a number of things. First of all, he is our third kid and that you're kind of different with all your kids. So he's the third. He's also got two older sisters who are major oversharers, okay? And so they have not only micromanaged their little brother, they have also dumped all of their own feelings and struggles and everything with them, and they have yanked his stories out of him. On top of that, my husband Christopher Oak's dad is a yoga instructor. He leads a men's retreat called Soul Degree. He's studying to be a death doula. He's a very deep introspective guy, and that has definitely impacted Oakley. And one final thing, there have been several pretty bad bullying incidents that Oakley has survived. And in each one, I was the one that went barreling in to protect the kid.
(06:57):
When he was bullied at this camp Mama Bear, Mel Robbins, I put the pedal to the metal and I floored it 120 miles an hour to that camp and squealed in there and marched into that camp director's office and gave that camp director a new one. And then I ripped my kid out of there. And I think having seen me just go explosive on his behalf, I think it makes him way more open with me about what's going on. So with all of that as a background, and one final disclaimer, he is 17. He is in that stage in high school. Every kid goes through it, whether they do it in front of you or not, it's the F'S stage where they drop the F-bomb all the time and they're all the cool kid. And I made a decision that as he was talking and he drops the F-bomb here and there as he was talking, I didn't want to stop the flow. I didn't want to become the corrective mom. I wanted to just let the conversation flow. And so you will hear this 17-year-old drop the F-bomb occasionally. So please do not have the littles around, protect their little ears and just know that we edited some of them out. But we left a bunch in because I just wanted you to hear a very honest conversation about self-hatred and self-love between a 17-year-old boy and his mom. Alright, let's jump into it. This is really like your debut on the podcast.
Oakley Robbins (08:34):
Feels great. Glad to be here.
Mel Robbins (08:36):
Okay. I'm glad you're here too.
Oakley Robbins (08:40):
Thanks for having me.
Mel Robbins (08:41):
You're welcome. So I want to talk to you about the topic of self-love because the majority of people struggle with accepting, liking and loving themselves. And you are 17 years old and you seem to have had a profound breakthrough, truly authentically liking and loving yourself. And I was not like that at 17. At 17, I fricking hated myself, and I have not truly started learning all about self-acceptance and self-kindness and self-love until the last couple of years. And so I want to know, was there a moment that you had an epiphany or what fricking happened?
Oakley Robbins (09:34):
Yeah, I'd love to tell you.
Mel Robbins (09:35):
Okay. Maybe you should give everybody a little background of Oakley before he loved himself. Okay.
Oakley Robbins (09:42):
So to give context 13, I feel like you start to become very self-conscious, 11 and so on. 11, 13 is when it really, 11 to 13 is when it starts. I think that's when it begins. So I'd say that I started to be a little self-conscious when I was 13. I had very short hair, so short to the point where it wasn't even curly like it is now. It was blue and red and bleach and pink. It was every color. It was every color,
Mel Robbins (10:22):
Always. Why was it every color?
Oakley Robbins (10:23):
I really wanted to just do that. I woke up one day and I was like, I want that, I want that. And then a few months later I was like, oh my God, I don't want this. And I couldn't do anything about it because my whole head was literally a different color. So I think that's when I started to be like, Ooh, I don't know. I am not liking myself right now. And also I feel like I was definitely struggling with weight issue. I don't know. I'd look at myself and look at, I was 13. I was 13. It was weird.
Mel Robbins (10:48):
But what would you look in the mirror and see
Oakley Robbins (10:50):
Chubby cheeks, double chin, man, boobs. Boobs, get out of the shower and be like, Ugh, no. And I was 13. I was so young.
Mel Robbins (11:01):
You told me a story once about
Oakley Robbins (11:02):
Yeah, the jeans.
Mel Robbins (11:03):
Yeah.
Oakley Robbins (11:04):
Yeah. So seventh grade Oakley bleached hair, no eyebrows. I didn't have eyebrows.
Mel Robbins (11:11):
Well, they were
Oakley Robbins (11:12):
There, they hadn't, but they
Mel Robbins (11:13):
Were really,
Oakley Robbins (11:14):
Really blonde. They were very blonde. So it looked like I had no eyebrows. I had blonde hair, and one day I wore skinny jeans and I just liked how they felt. I liked the look of skinny jeans on me. So I continued to wear them every single day. Every single day. I
Mel Robbins (11:30):
Remember this
Oakley Robbins (11:31):
October to April, and that first day in April where it is just warm enough where you can not have to wear a sweatshirt or wear shorts for the first time, and you're like, fuck yeah, winter's over.
Mel Robbins (11:42):
Yes.
Oakley Robbins (11:43):
And so I'm like, fuck yeah, winter's over. Let me throw on a pair of shorts. And I go to school. I'm so excited. And nobody even says Good morning. The first thing everybody says is, your legs look so weird. And I was like, what? This is the first time I'm ever not wearing jeans and everybody's making fun of my legs. And I'm like, oh my God. So for the rest of the year, I wore jeans even in 70 and 80 degree weather because I was so worried about people being like, your legs look weird.
Mel Robbins (12:13):
That's so sad.
Oakley Robbins (12:14):
I know. Because I was just like, oh my God, they think my legs look weird. I don't want to stand out. I don't want them to look at my legs.
Mel Robbins (12:21):
What was it like that day at school with shorts on? Having had somebody say publicly,
Oakley Robbins (12:28):
It was more than one person, more than multiple people said, my legs look weird. It was like I just wanted to find a pair of jeans. I wanted to find a pair of pants anywhere I would've fucking taken anything. I would've worn leggings. I don't care. Give me literally anything other than shorts and I will be fine. But I didn't even want, it's not that I wanted to leave, I just wanted to get the attention away from myself, and I had no idea what to do or how to do it. So I just sat there and thought about it all day and I was like, my legs do look weird. And it's not even because they were pinging on me. It was just like they've never seen my legs before. But anyways, so very self-conscious, very like, ooh, it continued into eighth grade and then
Mel Robbins (13:14):
What happened? This sounds terrible.
Oakley Robbins (13:16):
What changed?
Mel Robbins (13:17):
Yeah, what changed?
Oakley Robbins (13:18):
Well,
Mel Robbins (13:19):
Because I think we can all relate to this where you look in the mirror and you focus on what you don't like.
Oakley Robbins (13:24):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (13:25):
You have an experience of just wanting the attention to be off you or wanting people to accept you or wanting to fit in. Every single one of us can relate to that gene story Oakley. And I think we discount how these tiny moments where somebody picks on you or
Mel Robbins (13:46):
Criticizes something about your appearance or your voice or your height or your skin color, how it affects us. It stays with you forever. I can remember as you're talking an incident that happened in my life, it was ninth grade and this movie Flash Dance was super popular. Jennifer Beales was the star of it. And I was so in love with that movie that I marched right to my mom's hairdresser and asked them to give me a Jennifer Beal's perm. Now to get curly hair, like Jennifer Beal's, you had to get layers first. And then I got a perm.
(14:22):
I walked out of there and I looked like a Labradoodle, tight curls, wavy, big moppy perm head. I thought it was fantastic. And so the next day I go to School Oak and I'm wearing a sweatshirt, of course, with my shoulder exposed because that was the flash dance dance. Look, I didn't even take dance classes. I had my bouncy full new Jennifer Beal's poodle perm. And I walked in and I'll never forget walking down that halt, just like you with the jeans. It wasn't one person that pointed out the perm. It wasn't one person that laughed. It was like everybody in that hallway. I went home that night just like you went home and you never wore shorts again. I went home that night and washed my hair about 25 times to try to wash the perm out, which you actually can't do. It just makes it rizzi.
(15:23):
What happens in those moments is that none of us, when we're kids, have the ability to turn to the people criticizing us and be like, you fricking idiots. My legs are fine. What we do in those moments where we feel separate is we turn against ourselves. And it's those tiny moments that happen over and over and over again where we turn against ourselves and we become obsessed with making other people not pick on us or like us or fitting in. That's where we lose that connection to self. Because when you turn against yourself, it's literally an act of self-hatred. So what happened next for you?
Oakley Robbins (16:07):
Alright, so what happens is eighth grade comes around
Mel Robbins (16:11):
Now, would you say at this point you didn't like yourself or where were you about your relationship
Oakley Robbins (16:17):
With? It was very, I'd say it was like 70, 30, like myself, 30% didn't like myself. 70%. Okay. But eighth grade, I'm older. I look a little bit older. It was a good year. I'd say...
Oakley Robbins (16:29):
It was a good year. I wore shorts, thankfully I kind got over that. I wore shorts, I kept wearing sweatshirts though the top half of my body was a big no, thank you. I like my boobs, my man boobs. They were not it. It was like, my God.
Mel Robbins (16:46):
Okay, this is,
Oakley Robbins (16:47):
But anyways,
Mel Robbins (16:48):
Fascinating.
Oakley Robbins (16:48):
We're getting to
Mel Robbins (16:49):
The, I never thought you had man boobs.
Oakley Robbins (16:53):
I did. I'd get out of the shower and I'd take a step and I'd see him go up big jiggle. I'd be like, no, dude. Put my towel on around my upper half like a girl does. I was like, put the bone on. I'd just do the top, walked to my room, put my clothes on, throw. I'd always wear a sweatshirt. I don't think there was ever a time where I didn't have a sweatshirt on.
Mel Robbins (17:10):
Sawyer did the same thing when she was going through puberty.
Oakley Robbins (17:12):
Yeah. And so what happened is 2020 COVID, 19 big lockdown, everybody's screaming and scared and
Mel Robbins (17:22):
Shut up. They weren't up. We stopped.
Oakley Robbins (17:24):
We are all in the shit show, except for me, it was a time of recreational activities. No one making fun of me and nothing to do ever. Now I'm not going to be like, oh, people had it so easy during COVID-19. No, it was fucking horrible for so many people. But for me as a 14-year-old boy, it was the time of my goddamn life. Oh my God. I'd wake, I'd play games all day. I'd jump on the trampoline, I'd hang out with my dogs. I would eat whatever the hell I wanted. It was fantastic. And I noticed that I'd stop looking in the mirror and being like, I don't look a certain way or I am worried that this way that I look right now is going to upset people or all that because I didn't have anybody to show. I didn't have anybody to see.
Mel Robbins (18:14):
That's right. You weren't going to school.
Oakley Robbins (18:14):
I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't seeing anybody. I didn't care.
Mel Robbins (18:19):
Oakley, I have to stop you because I want to point out two really critical things. Number one, you stopped caring about what other people thought. Now look, you had it easy. You were locked in your house so you didn't have to see people. But when you can figure out how to care more about how you feel today about yourself, rather than focusing on caring whether or not people are going to pick on you for the skinny jeans or your poodle perm, in my case, when you can actually stop caring and you can care more about your own happiness, that right there changes everything. And so what you're describing is you had this epiphany that we all need to have, which is the only thing that matters is whether or not you're waking up today and you are going to do things that make you happy. That's the only thing that you should care about. And there's a second thing that I want to point out. Instead of being surrounded by people who were critical of you, which is what was happening in school, you were now stuck at home with four people who
Oakley Robbins (19:31):
Love you. Exactly. I knew they loved me and I knew that they respected me. And I'd wake up every day and I wouldn't look in the mirror and be like, well, they're my man boobs. There's my ugly ass double chin. I wouldn't see that. I'd look in the mirror and be like, today's a day time to go fucking play Xbox for 30 hours. It was awesome. We were all together and it was awesome. But it was just like I was walking every day and I was enjoying my time and I wasn't ever getting down on myself. And what I came to realize is that when I worry about what other people think of me, it drags me the hell down. And when I didn't think about other people or I didn't think about what they were thinking about me, I wasn't like, yeah, I bet they look so stupid right now. Or I bet their hair looks ugly. I didn't know, nor did I give a shit. So I wasn't trying to impress anybody and no one was trying to impress me. So what I really realized was that when social scenarios get in the way and you are worried about what other people think of you, that's when you get down on yourself.
Mel Robbins (20:37):
Well, one of the things that I've noticed about you Oakley, is that you're not on social media a lot. And based on the research, there's a lot of kids that came out of that two year weird period in our lives, way worse in terms of mental health because they spent that time at home mainlining social media. So even though they weren't in school, they were online doing that same comparison thing in isolation on their own. It is so freaking damaging when you mainline social media and you use it as a battering ram, and then you say to yourself, well, I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I wish I looked like that. And so I think that's an important thing to point out, Oak, that you weren't sitting there doing that probably because you were on Xbox playing video games for 30 hours a day. But that's a big deal. There was a very poignant moment that you described to me that I keep thinking about. I would love for you to share this moment with everybody because you're so lucky that this happened when you were 17. It's poignant that self-hatred ends when you stop criticizing yourself. The comparison is something that we can all work on, but the self criticism that we engage in relentlessly every single one of us, that's the source of self-hatred.
(22:13):
Describe this moment where you had this amazing breakthrough.
Oakley Robbins (22:18):
You only go through life with yourself. You are the only person that you wake up with and you go to sleep with every single night and every single day. And you are the only person that you need to please. You are not going to live your whole life with the ability to please everyone else because that's not going to make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't boost you. It won't make you feel better.
Mel Robbins (22:42):
That's a crazy simple way to explain how profound it is when you learn how to accept, be kind to and eventually love yourself. And you said something to me when we were talking about this that I thought was really so simple, but also gut wrenching in its truth, which is when you were removed from the situation of walking into school where you were worried people are going to pick on you, worried about whether you fit in trying to get the attention off you, all of this energy pointed at managing this, and it's all energy that is based on the belief that there's something wrong with you.
Oakley Robbins (23:27):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (23:28):
That when that got removed and you were just quarantining with me and dad and your two older sisters, you had this epiphany where you're like, well,
Oakley Robbins (23:40):
There's nothing wrong with me.
Mel Robbins (23:41):
Yeah. There's nothing wrong me, those five words, there's nothing wrong with me that will change your entire life. I mean, just imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day and believe there's nothing wrong with me. Because the fact is, there is nothing wrong with you. I spent God oak 40 plus years of my life waking up every day believing there was something wrong with me. And one of the first things that everybody has to do if they're going to have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-kindness, let's not even go to self-love yet. Let's just start with self-acceptance.
(24:35):
You must start to tell yourself, there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me. Acceptance just means accepting yourself exactly as you are and exactly as you aren't. There's nothing wrong with me. That right there, if you could just do that, would completely change your relationship with yourself because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram the way you talk to yourself. And so I just want to point out that bar right there. There's nothing wrong with me. If you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong, and now you start reminding yourself, there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, there are things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me. That is acceptance right there. And then you had this second epiphany, which is you thought, well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself?
(25:36):
What a radical idea. Imagine how much your life changes when you say to yourself, why don't I just like myself? Other people can have opinions, but why don't I just like myself exactly as I am? I'm a good person. I'm trying hard. What's stopping me from liking myself? I mean, it's a radical question. I mean, what's stopping you from liking yourself? Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the thing that you got to do. Like, oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds, I'd like myself if I didn't have man boobs, I'd like myself. If I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling on my kitchen, I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes. See, that's where we get it all wrong. I'm just talking about self-acceptance here. Because based on the research, you will never, ever feel motivated to change anything for the better if you're bashing yourself all the time.
(26:36):
So number one, there's nothing wrong with you. And number two, liking is not going to happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself exactly where you are, simply because it feels good to like yourself and also because you deserve that and you need it when you like yourself, when you accept yourself as you are mistakes and all boils, warts, whatever it is that you got, we all got something. When you feel a little bit better about yourself, an interesting thing happens through the self-acceptance. First, there's nothing wrong with me. And through a little bit of kindness, why don't I just like myself or at least treat myself I like myself? What happens, and I noticed this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. You start to feel a little bit more motivated. The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions. But your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person and you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts to snowball from there. So imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment.
(28:04):
That means that you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness, and that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense, oak. There's a lot of research around this that when you accept yourself and you're kinder to yourself, that you start to take better care of yourself. When you look in the mirror and you're like, oh, I ate my man boobs. Do you feel motivated to do something? No, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you because the lack of motivation comes from your self-criticism. And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first and then kindness towards self. That's exactly how everything changes. And I watched that happen with you Oak.
Oakley Robbins (28:57):
Yeah. Why not just like yourself?
Mel Robbins (29:00):
Well, that brings me to something. So I want to read to you a question from somebody that listens to the podcast.
Oakley Robbins (29:07):
Okay,
Mel Robbins (29:09):
Corinne, she says It's great advice, but here's the deal. Everyone says, love yourself. Accept yourself, validate yourself. These are general terms. No one actually knows what that means. What does loving yourself actually look like? What does that mean in our everyday lives? Please do an episode about what loving, accepting, and validating yourself looks like. Feels like specific examples. So many people are, and find themselves confused by the advice. Love yourself. So what does that mean? And give specific examples of what you do.
Oakley Robbins (29:51):
It is an incredibly broad term. Just love yourself. So easy to say. But I personally think that loving yourself is different for everybody. Everybody's going to love themself in a different way. The way I like myself is I feel like there's always little things. There's always little things about yourself that you can find that you
Mel Robbins (30:10):
Like. Okay, so number one, find something little.
Oakley Robbins (30:13):
It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be big. It could be like,
Mel Robbins (30:16):
Give us three examples of little things you like or love about yourself
Oakley Robbins (30:20):
Right now. Yes. I haven't looked at a mirror recently, but I think I like my hair right now. Pretty sure I like my hair right now. And then we'll check the foot in it later. Let's see here. I'm liking my smile right now. I really like my smile. And I'm also liking, I'm also liking who I am in my friend group right now.
Mel Robbins (30:43):
What does that mean? So what do you like about who you are? Give me a specific example.
Oakley Robbins (30:48):
It's kind of like how I'm acting with my friends and how I'm treating them and how I'm respecting them and being there for them. I'm enjoying that. I'm liking that about myself.
Mel Robbins (30:55):
You're proud of yourself.
Oakley Robbins (30:56):
I'm proud of myself.
Mel Robbins (30:57):
Can you give another example that is not about something physical?
Oakley Robbins (31:02):
About something physical. I'm proud of how I'm doing in school. I'm doing pretty well in school.
Mel Robbins (31:05):
And do you know why you're doing well?
Oakley Robbins (31:09):
Because I'm trying.
Mel Robbins (31:10):
Yes. So you're proud of yourself for trying?
Oakley Robbins (31:12):
Yeah, I am. See, it's like those little things when people are negative, it's also so more broad when they're negative about themselves and it's like a bigger thing. Oh, I don't like the way my stomach looks, or I don't like the way I look,
Mel Robbins (31:27):
Or I don't like my grades, or I don't like this. And then you don't feel motivated
Oakley Robbins (31:30):
Because
Mel Robbins (31:30):
You're beating yourself down.
Oakley Robbins (31:31):
Exactly.
Mel Robbins (31:32):
And so you find number one little teeny things.
Oakley Robbins (31:35):
They can literally be like, I like the color of my eye right now. It doesn't have to be the world ending. I look like a God. No. Just has to be very little.
Mel Robbins (31:46):
Yeah. Start with, I love the shape or the color of my eyes. I love the sound of my left. Find something small. And I'm focusing on simple and small habits because this is not something that happens overnight. Self-love is a habit you practice and for it to become second nature, you have to practice it every single day. And so we've already talked about two things that you can do. One is find one small thing that you like about yourself. It could be that you're a great friend, that you have an amazing laugh, that you're a wonderful cook, that you're a terrific son, that you try really hard at work, that you are proud of the way you're working on your boundaries. There is one thing that you need to compliment yourself on every single day. And if you can't think of something, look in that mirror and look at your iris and just compliment the incredible miracle that is that unique pattern and color that is unique to you of 8 billion people on this planet. You're the only one with an eyeball that is designed and looks like that, and that is freaking cool. So start with that. The second thing you're going to do is
Mel Robbins (33:12):
before you go to bed, scan your day and think of one win, just a small win. And the reason why I want you to think of a small win is because you don't realize how much your brain is currently scanning for what's wrong. And I want you to start to create a habit where we're going to retrain and reprogram your mind to look for what's going right, because there's a whole lot going in your day that you're not giving yourself credit for. And whether you got out of bed, that's a win. You got dressed, there's a win. You got to work. There's a win. You smiled at a stranger, there's a win. You treated yourself to a coffee today, there's a win.
(33:55):
You got outside and looked at the sun, there's a win. I mean, there are so many things you do, right? And you don't even realize it. And so I want you to start to just interrupt the campaign of negative thoughts with one win before you go to bed. And in just a second, I'm going to share my absolute favorite tool, but I just wanted to take a minute and say, it's hard. Oak sounds really upbeat. So do I. And we're joking around because we're really good. We have a great relationship and Oakley doesn't hate himself anymore. And I'm actively working on self-kindness and self-love. But it's hard, right? Oak,
Oakley Robbins (34:39):
It's definitely hard. It's not going to be easy to love yourself, and it takes time. It's like a muscle. I'd say it's definitely like a muscle when you work at it and you start off small, like start off with small weight and then you get bigger, it becomes easier. If you think you're a very negative person right now, it's probably because it's a very unconscious decision that you're making. But when you start to try and work at it and you work more, it's going to become more unconscious that you are nice about yourself.
Mel Robbins (35:07):
Oh my gosh, I almost forgot the most important habit that helps with self-love and self-acceptance. And that's the high five habit. Alright, I'm going to explain it.
Mel Robbins (35:17):
The high five habit, super simple. Don't overthink this. I will do an entire episode about the High five habit probably in January because there's so much science to cover and so many stories to tell you. It's also the subject of my New York Times bestselling book called The High Five Habit. But let me just tell you what this habit is because it is the thing you need to know based science and research to have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-love. Here it is, tomorrow morning after you finish brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down, and now I want you to do the high five habit. And this is how you do it. First, you look in the mirror.
(35:52):
For many of you, that's going to be the hardest part. 50% of men and women based on our research, cannot or will not look themselves in the mirror because they do not like the person they see. That is sad. And so I don't want you to be surprised if simply looking at yourself in the mirror is really difficult. Step two, you are then going to raise your hand and high five, your reflection. I know it sounds dumb. It sounds stupid. Why would somebody do that? I'll tell you why somebody would do that in a later episode because the science is so profound. The neuroscience, the research on motivation, the research on mindset, the research on how the dopamine gets really, it's just unbelievable what happens when you simply high five yourself in the mirror. I just want you to practice it and trust me on this one.
(36:45):
Now, let me tell you what's going to happen when you go to raise your hand. I don't want you to say anything, nothing. It's just about the action and watching yourself high five yourself. The action alone of high fiving yourself does all the work neurologically, physiologically, chemically, and psychologically. It will take less than five days for you to have a breakthrough in self-love. If you simply look in the mirror every morning and send yourself into your day by high fiving yourself in the mirror, you may laugh. The reason why you laugh is because your brain releases dopamine. This is really normal. You might burst into tears. That's also very normal because you may not have looked at yourself for real or been kind to yourself for real in years. Many, many people are super surprised by how emotional they get by simply silently, high fiving themselves every morning in the mirror.
(37:42):
If you have this visceral, that's the stupidest thing. I really want you to do it because not being willing to simply try something that I'm telling you. We've had 164,000 people in 91 countries go through a five day challenge with me called the High five Challenge. I'll tell you about that in a minute. And the results are just irrefutable. This is the fastest way based on science to start rewiring your brain and to have a breakthrough in being kind and loving to yourself. And it works at a reprogramming level in your nervous system and in your brain. And it's all in the book, but I just want you to trust me on this. And so the best way to do this is let me coach you and support you because I have developed a free That's right, no money, nothing to buy free five day challenge. It's called the High five Challenge, HIGH, the number five challenge, HIGH, the number five challenge, high five, challenge.com. Register for free if you want a true breakthrough in how you speak to yourself, how you feel about yourself, loving yourself. This is the fastest way to do it and I would love to coach you. So high five Challenge. I'll see you in it. Alright, Oakley, thank you for letting me do that. Let's bring it home.
Oakley Robbins (39:02):
Actually, I have another thing I want to say.
Mel Robbins (39:03):
Tell me
Oakley Robbins (39:04):
Guys, compliment each other.
Mel Robbins (39:06):
Oh, great idea.
Oakley Robbins (39:07):
Bring up positive things about your friends. If you don't want to draw attention to yourself and you want to draw attention to each other, instead of being like, your hair looks weird, be like, I love the way your hair looks right now, or You look great today, or, that was a really good point you brought up in that meeting or in class or just like that feels good. You can make other people feel good.
Mel Robbins (39:24):
Yes, you can. And it makes you feel good. And one of the things that I learned later as a parent that I now do a great job at is I don't just compliment how you look. I compliment
Oakley Robbins (39:36):
A specific part of how I look.
Mel Robbins (39:38):
That's not what I was going to
Oakley Robbins (39:39):
Say. No. What the fuck were you going to say?
Mel Robbins (39:40):
I was going to say, your character. You're a great friend.
Oakley Robbins (39:44):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (39:45):
You try really hard.
Oakley Robbins (39:46):
Yeah. I
Mel Robbins (39:46):
Love that you, I love, you know what I love most about you other than your amazing
Oakley Robbins (39:52):
Aura.
Mel Robbins (39:54):
Yep. Your aura is great. I love your aura. I would say it's
Oakley Robbins (39:58):
Purple. It's like purpley green.
Mel Robbins (40:00):
Yes. There's a little green fuzz there. No. What I would say about you that I love most is I really admire how in tune you are with your own values and how you live by them. I admire that in you.
Oakley Robbins (40:17):
Thank you, mom.
Mel Robbins (40:19):
You're welcome.
Oakley Robbins (40:19):
It is important to compliment personality. I think personality is even bigger than looks. I feel like when I get compliments on how I act, I feel so much better when I get a compliment on how I
Mel Robbins (40:28):
Look. Of course, because you can control how you show up. You can't control what you look like. It's true. It's true.
Mel Robbins (40:36):
Well, I love you.
Oakley Robbins (40:37):
I love you too.
Mel Robbins (40:38):
And I believe in you,
Oakley Robbins (40:39):
And I believe in you guys,
Mel Robbins (40:40):
And I believe in your ability to learn how to love yourself, to be kinder to yourself, to cheer yourself forward.
Oakley Robbins (40:49):
And we're rooting for you all the way.
Mel Robbins (40:51):
That's why we're here. And we'll see you in a few days.
Oakley Robbins (40:53):
Yes, we will.
Mel Robbins (40:54):
Dude, I love you. You're fucking amazing. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Key takeaways
Stop caring what other people think and start caring about how you feel when you wake up; your happiness is the only thing that truly matters each day.
When you remove yourself from criticism and surround yourself with people who love and respect you, you begin to see there’s nothing wrong with you.
The habit of finding one small thing you like about yourself every day slowly builds self-acceptance and kindness, even if it’s just your hair or smile.
Before bed, scan your day for one win—a moment you’re proud of—so your brain starts looking for what’s right instead of what’s wrong.
Saying “There’s nothing wrong with me” daily can radically shift your relationship with yourself and replace self-criticism with acceptance.
Guests Appearing in this Episode
Oakley Robbins
Oakley Robbins is Mel's son and speaks from his perspective as a 19 year old navigating today’s challenges.
Resources
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- For Closed Captions: Watch on YouTube and turn on “CC.” For instructions to turn on closed captions, click here.
- The High 5 Habit book, to go deeper into all of these topics
- Sign up here for the High 5 Challenge
- Science Daily: Self-acceptance could be the key to a happier life
- Ness Labs: The science of self-love
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