How to Build Real Confidence: 7 Truths to Unlock Your Authentic Self

(10:43):

When you push yourself in this regard and you feel that discomfort, you're building resilience. And here's the really important part. It strengthens your sense of self because when you're a doormat or when you stay silent or when you make decisions because you're scared of disappointing people, you lose your sense of self, don't you? There's a little part of you that dies a little bit, and so I want you to reframe the discomfort that you feel when you start to make decisions that feel good for you. And you also hold space for knowing that someone's going to be let down. Someone's going to be disappointed when you say no, somebody is going to have a little reaction. You can hold space for that and still be true to yourself. Reframe this tension that you feel as a sign of growth. It's not a sign of failure.

(11:39):

You're not failing anybody. You're actually succeeding in becoming yourself. Honor your feelings. Hold space for someone else's reaction. It's not your responsibility to manage it. They're an adult. Let them sit with their feelings. Your responsibility is to stay true to yourself, and there will always be somebody who is let down by the decisions that you're making. But starting today, it better not be you that's let down by the way that you're living your life because to be your true self, you are going to disappoint someone. Period. Learn to live with it. Here's the second truth about living your most authentic life and being your most authentic self. 

(13:17):

There is an energy that is associated with your true, authentic self, an energy. You literally feel expanded when you are living in your truth. And oftentimes simply knowing that the people that you're around, the life that you're leading, it is depleting your energy. That's how you're not being true to yourself. And I want to really highlight something here. It takes courage to recognize that you're in a chapter of your life where you're not being true to yourself, where the people that you're around, where the time that you're spending, it's draining you. 

Dr. Ramani Durvasula (14:39):

The hardest thing in the world is to be authentic. Because to be authentic is to be unpopular. To be authentic is to blaze your own trail, even when other people are cluck clucking at you and stigmatizing you and giving you the side eye. What are you doing? People don't do that. You're supposed to do the sort of missionary position, follow the rules kind of life and authentic people say, no, that's not who I am. That's not what I'm about. Authentic people are very clear on their values, what they stand for, what matters for them. And so I'm not saying that authentic people don't feel guilt. They'll feel tremendous guilt, but they'll also feel committed to the potential within them and the people they care about. And to say, ultimately giving into this person's abuse is not doing honestly me any favors for sure. It's not doing my kids any favors.

(15:27):

It's not doing the people I care about any favors, and it's actually not doing them any favors because it's reinforcing them in this sick cycle. And I don't want to be part of this. So we've got to get away from the idea that authenticity is easy, authenticity, 

Mel Robbins (16:16):

I want to repeat a few things that really struck me about what Dr. Ramani said, that being authentic is one of the hardest things in the world. And the reason why that's true is because you got to be willing to disappoint people and you got to be willing to put yourself first. And I love that she kept using the words brave and courageous and that authentic people know what they stand for and they have a healthy circle surrounding them. And oftentimes it's a small circle. And that was a huge takeaway for me because I think what happens when you start to put yourself first and you are willing to disappoint people and you start to pay attention to your energy, where is it that you feel energized? Where do you feel depleted in your life? Your energy is telling you who's draining you and who's not.

(17:03):

And I have found personally that the more that I live my life aligned with what is right for me, the smaller and smaller my friend group gets, because you start to value the type of people and situations that bring you energy. It's sort of like you could think about it this way. Energy is the truth teller here when it comes to what's authentic to you. And when you're in a situation that is aligned with who you actually are and what you value, it's almost like you can plug into a light socket and you feel energized and lit up by the people around you or what you're doing. And the same is true about being in the wrong situation or the wrong room. 

(18:48):

I get it. I also know the few people in my life where I feel like I can be myself, but how do I do this? How do I start to be and live as my true self? Well, let's find the energy. I'm going to give you some questions to really think about because the energy doesn't lie. Where in your life do you feel the most energized and excited and expansive? I want you to really think about that. Okay? 

(20:03):

Maybe you were on a soccer team when you were in college and you were often with groups of friends exercising or training. Could you add that back in now by joining a gym? Could you sign up for a 5K? Could you get a bunch of friends to go for a hike this weekend? Maybe when you were younger, you spent hours drawing, you would just get lost in a puzzle or playing cards or creating intricate worlds or fascinating movies in your mind, or these little clay animation things that you would make at the dining room table. Or maybe you were building things you were happiest when you were remodeling your house yourself and painting every room after work. Maybe you were writing or playing with animals or making laugh with your hilarious sense of humor and taking an improv class, that thing that made you happy, that thing that made you come alive.

(20:58):

That's the starting point to opening up to more happiness, to more of your true self. It might just mean something small, putting spirituality or meditation back into your life, whatever it is that makes you feel more energized and more expanded, more like yourself. Wouldn't it be great to feel more like yourself? That's what I'm talking about. Because when you get honest with yourself about what uniquely makes you feel like you, and you start to take the little actions that insert little bits of happiness, little bits of you, things that are right in front of your face back into your life right now, your true self comes to the surface when you pick up the pen, when you start doing the creative projects, when you go back to church, when you start training for that 5K, when you get out into the woods every weekend, that's what's going to make you feel like you.

(22:01):

And look, because you're not doing it right now, it might not feel that easy to do, but I promise you this is exactly what you need to do. And it is so much easier than trying to be like everybody else. I want you to reclaim your life force energy back for yourself and start building a life that feels more authentically like you. And that's truth number two. Being yourself is energizing. And when you stop pretending to be somebody else and you start allowing yourself to just live your life in a way that makes you feel more expanded, well that's going to make you more confident. And that brings me to truth number three. Being yourself creates confidence. 

(23:52):

And I'm going to give you another example, and this is really important because this one crosses into your professional life. And so I'm going to tell you a story from a couple decades ago when I was in law school, believe it or not, check this out. Back in the early nineties, women did not wear pants when they worked in a large law firm, not allowed to wear pants. How fricking bizarre is that? Well, that was just the way that it was, okay? And the thing is, is that when you talk about being your authentic self, I was just never a gal to wear a pencil skirt to work. First of all, you can't sit in them. I can't walk in them either. Secondly, it's just not my thing. And so I remember here I am in the early nineties, I'm in my third year of law school where everybody's panic stricken about getting a job and you're applying to jobs and all of these big firms are coming to the campus to interview you, to hire you for jobs so that when you graduate, you have a job.

(24:45):

And so I go to the mall and I go to Ann Taylor and I buy this navy blue pantsuit. It had this big wide belt on the blazer. It was just smoking awesome, especially for the early nineties. And here I am, I'm all dressed up to walk into my interviews and I walk up the stairs to the main hall at Boston College Law School for my first interview. And as I'm walking up the stairs, a friend of mine is walking down the stairs and he's like, whoa, I just knocked over my T glass. This was so confronting. And he says to me, are you wearing that to the interview? Have you lost your mind, Mel? You know you're not going to get hired if you're wearing pants. And I said, yeah, no one I would want to work for. And here are the facts. Wearing a pair of pants meant that 95% of the places that I interviewed for, they didn't offer me a job, but I'm going to tell you what I think.

(25:40):

It's the smartest move that you could make in life to be yourself. And remember what Dr. Ramani said, it was also the bravest and one of the hardest things that you can do to be authentic because it means you have to stand on your own at some times. 

(26:19):

It's draining. So wherever it is in your life that you're feeling afraid or full of doubt or you're feeling drained and you're sitting there wearing a skirt and you wish you were wearing pants, I'm going to tell you something. You're not showing up as your authentic self. And the mistake that you're making is the mistake that I made for a long time. You're waiting for confidence so that you can change this. And I am here to tell you, confidence is waiting for you to show up. And I know this is easier said than done. This is what Dr. Ramani was saying when she says, this is the hardest thing to do to be your authentic self. It takes bravery because you're not going to feel like it. You're going to feel a little bit scared when you first start showing up as yourself and making decisions that really align with you and prioritizing your time and your energy to the things that really make you feel expanded.

(28:04):

And that's the truth about life. It's that simple. Being yourself creates confidence, and that ties into this definition. I want you to try more. I want you to be brave because every time you start to show up as yourself, the confidence is going to build. And look, if you have trouble pushing yourself to try new things, if you have trouble wearing the pants to the interview, if you have trouble putting yourself out there and speaking up and taking risks, here's a quick hack that you can use. It helps to find a partner to practice this with. Who could that person be in your life, this little confidence pusher person? Do you have a very positive roommate? Do you have a brother or a sister or a cousin? Do you have an old friend? Do you have a buddy at work? You know somebody that is going to push you a little bit out of your comfort zone, somebody that is willing to get on board to help you try some new things, to take some risks to encourage you.

(29:04):

And look, if you don't have somebody like that in your corner, just imagine that I'm there because I'm always in your corner, you know, can imagine. Well, what would Mel say right now as you're getting dressed for the interview? You know what I would say? Wear the pants. If you feel like yourself in the pants, wear the pants. Stop pretending that you're not that person. Like be yourself. And so if you are somebody that wants to put yourself out there, more practice going up to people and talking about the business that you're launching. And if you don't have that cousin or that sibling or that roommate that's like, come on, get over there. Get over there. Just imagine that your friend Mel Robbins is there going, come on, sign up for that 5K. Come on, let's go. Let's go. I'll be the one that's whispering in your, we can do it.

(29:44):

You can do it. I'm going to be right there by your side. Because the third truth about living your most authentic life and being your true self is that when you start acting like you, the real you, it creates confidence. There are four more that you and I are going to cover, but I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsor, Netflix, and you're going to want to stick around because let me tell you the sixth truth. It's the one I know you really need to hear. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about the big seven truths on living confidently as your true authentic self. Now, you've already learned the first three truths. Number one, when you start putting yourself first, you're going to disappoint people. That's okay.

(30:34):

You got to learn how to do that. Number two, being yourself is energizing. And you know that's true because trying to not be yourself, that is draining. And truth number three, you got to learn to be yourself first because that's what creates the confidence. Don't sit around waiting for the confidence. You got to break through the self-doubt by being yourself and you're going to see your confidence building. Now, here's the fourth truth to being your true self. Loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with other people. I mean, think about that. How could you feel good enough for someone else if you're not even good enough for yourself? And there's a lot of research that really is going to help you understand this. Research shows that in order to create better relationships, check this out. 

(32:28):

Now, Dr. Matthew Johnson from the University of Alberta, who's a relationship researcher and lead author on the study said this, although some relationship dynamics may change, you are still the same person. So you likely recreate many of the same patterns with the next partner. So here's what that research means for you. It doesn't matter if your partner is one of the best people in the world. If you're insecure, if you have a poor self image, if you have a terrible relationship with yourself, if you have low self-worth, you're not going to be able to connect with that person. In fact, I bet you've had experiences in your past where you have dated somebody who's absolutely awesome and you're the one sabotaging things. That was me all through high school, college, and law school. I dated really great people. But here's the problem. I hated myself and instead of learning how to love myself, you know what I did?

(33:21):

I just kept changing the person that I was with. It was a great distraction in the beginning. But then ultimately, guess what happens when all the newness wears off? Hello? You're still there with your same broken relationship with yourself. And it wasn't until I started to change myself that I was able to create better relationships with other people. So if you're sitting there looking around on all the dating apps or looking around outside yourself for the validation and love that you need, you're looking in the wrong place based on the research and common sense. You got to look in the mirror. In fact, I mean it literally, I want you to start your day by looking in the mirror and doing something very specific to improve the relationship that you have with yourself. This is something that I'm going to teach you called the High Five Habit.

(34:13):

I've written an entire international best selling book about this, and it uses a field of research called neurotics, which is the fastest proven way to reprogram old thinking patterns. And let's face it, hating yourself, telling yourself you're not good enough, treating yourself like garbage. That is an old outdated thinking pattern. We got to reboot your mind. We got to update the way that you talk to yourself and treat yourself. And so I'm going to teach you how to use a simple hand gesture with a brand new thought to reprogram the way that you look at yourself, that you treat yourself and it's going to help you love yourself. This is called the High five Habit. Now, my research team and I have now tested this free and simple habit with over 175,000 people who have tried it for five days, and the results are incredible.

(35:06):

You are going to change how you feel about yourself, which is what the research says that you have to do love yourself first, and here's how you're going to practice it. Every single morning after you're done brushing your teeth, you're going to look yourself in the mirror and you're simply going to high five your own reflection in the mirror to send yourself in the day. I'm not kidding. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds cheesy, but every single morning, brush your teeth, put your toothbrush down, look yourself in the mirror, and then you're going to raise your hand and high five yourself. 

(36:58):

What does a high five represent? A high five is a positive gesture that says, I love you, I support you. I see you keep going. Your brain knows what a high five is. A high five is 1000% positive programming. I mean, you have been giving other people high fives your entire life. You have been showing them the love, you've been celebrating them. And so when you high five yourself, it triggers celebratory and encouraging emotions to flood your body. The heightened aerobic state of high highfiving yourself creates new nerve connections in your brave that connect the action of high fiving with the emotion of celebration. So every time you high five yourself, you aim all that high five goodness and positive programming right back at your own reflection. How fricking cool is that? I mean, you would high five the person that you love in the morning, wouldn't you?

(37:51):

So now you're doing it to yourself. And trust me when I tell you this, when you try this five mornings in a row, start your day with a high five in the mirror. You'll not only experience a boost in the moment, but over time something awesome happens. This aerobic exercise rewires your mindset for more resilience, which is one of the most powerful benefits of a high five. I know, I know, I know it sounds simple, but this cuts so deep and you don't need to believe me. You just need to try it for five days and see what happens. I mean, what do you have to lose? If you now know based on the research, that loving yourself first is the most important factor in you having loving relationships with other people, why wouldn't you try something for free? This works. It's grounded in science and loving yourself first is how you create true and lasting love with other people in your life.

(38:47):

Alright, let's talk about the fifth truth of being your true self. And here it is, learn to love what is unique about you because there is nothing authentic about constantly trying to fit in. I'm continuing to hit my teacup here. And here's what is scary about the times that we live in. 

(39:38):

I mean, even just take something as simple as an engagement ring. Why does everybody have to have a diamond? I mean, diamonds aren't the only gems that sparkle. Every gem does that. Sparkle is your uniqueness and it's everywhere. And a lot of times it's in the things that you don't appreciate about yourself, the way that you laugh, how you put everybody at ease or the serious amount of time that you take when picking out your ice cream flavor. I mean, even the line behind you is now a mile long. You are taking it. This is my husband Chris, by the way. He always does. Can I have a sample of this? Can I have a sample of this? And I'm sitting there thinking, why are you having a sample when I know exactly what you're going to order? And then he ultimately orders black, raspberry ice cream with chocolate chips.

(40:29):

And here's the thing, it used to drive me crazy, but now I love it about him. And honestly, when I think about it, that's the kind of unique thing about Christopher Robbins because that's how he goes through everything in his life. In fact, I was just traveling with Chris and our son Oakley this weekend, and we were moving through an airport and I kept turning to our son Oakley going, where is your father? Because Chris was nowhere to be seen. And Oakley would turn and like, oh, you know him. He's just strolling around taking it all in. Chris just moves at a different pace because here he is. I don't know where in the airport, and I'm already through security. I've gotten a coffee, I'm ready to board at the gate, Chris is probably still talking to the guy at the TSA, getting to know him, hearing about how his day was going.

(41:13):

And I just love that about Chris. And so what is the thing about you that you've been hating on or you've been making yourself wrong? What if you could learn to love it, your height, your freckles, or that you'd rather be the one listening and taken it all in and behind the scenes? You don't need to be the center of attention. What if you celebrated that or maybe you're the one who isn't willing to settle for somebody who isn't willing to say, well, good enough is good enough for me or a job that's kind of, eh, it pays the bills. No, celebrate the fact that you're always looking for more just because there's something about that that makes you come alive. All that stuff is your sparkle. And here's the cool thing on focusing on what makes you unique. When you're not so focused on fitting in and being like everybody else, you don't feel so competitive.

(43:11):

It's not my job to turn him into somebody that he's not. You know what My job is in a relationship? It's to learn how to admire and love what is unique about somebody else, to give someone else the space to express what is unique about them. No comparison, no judgment, just admiration all around. Because when you remember that all gem sparkle, you'll also see more beauty than you ever could before. And that brings us to truth number six. What you think about your life matters way more than what other people think about it. And it is high time. If you want to live your most authentic life and be your truest self, it is high time for you to care more about what you think and feel than how other people feel about it because you will never, ever, ever live a life that you're meant to live.

(44:08):

If you're constantly worried about what other people are thinking or if you're worried about whether or not they're going to judge you. And as I said earlier, they're going to, people are going to be disappointed no matter what you do. Let them, and the tool here that you need to be yourself is my Let Them theory, just let them them judge. Let them be disappointed. Let them say what they're going to say. Let them not invite you. Let them do what they're going to do or not do. It will literally free you when you let other people say what they're going to say, and you do not make it your concern to waste your time and energy trying to manage it. But instead, you take your power back and you turn all that time and energy back on you and you flip it back to yourself and you say, you know what?

(44:54):

Let them say what they're going to say. Let me live my life. Let me be myself. Let me do what makes me happy. Let me spend my Friday night or my weekend or next year putting myself first. When you do that, you unlock a level of confidence and freedom that you have never felt in your entire life. And this is not about not caring about what other people think because of course you kind of care. It's about learning how to care more about what makes you happy. Of course you care. That's why you've let other people's opinions bother you so long. But here's one thing I'm going to hit you with. When you use my Let Them theory, you're going to learn that two things can be true at the same time, other people can have their opinions about you and they can still love you.

(45:45):

Other people can question or be critical of what you're doing, and they can still be your friend. And if you stop and think about it, you feel that way about other people. I mean, just think about your own family. How many times do people that you love do things that you do not like in my household? It's daily. That does not change the fact that I still love my family like crazy. In fact, I think your family teaches you how to love somebody that you don't actually like all the time. Two things can be true at once. You can have an opinion about what somebody's doing and still care about them and love them. So give yourself the same grace that you're giving everyone else in your life. Let them have their opinions and then remind yourself to let me live my life because my happiness, my authenticity is my responsibility.

(47:31):

And this is a really important thing. See, I think you're meant to discover who you truly are and life holds back what you're meant to achieve until you start aligning your life with who you truly are that there isn't an exchange here and you got to show up. This is why. Remember rule number three, you got to act like yourself because it creates confidence. You got to be the first one to move. And then life has this magical way of showing up and aligning and supporting the direction that you move in when you're moving in congruency with what energizes you. Because nothing will derail you faster than feeling like you can't keep it all together, that you're not pursuing what truly matters to you. And the reason why that happens is because you actually have your life organized where everybody else comes first. You're not paying attention to the little things that make you feel more like you.

(48:31):

And that's why you need to hear me say when I say, yeah, you can have it all but not all at once. And here's what I mean by that. Get serious about the many facets of your life because you are a multifaceted, sparkly person that has a lot going on. And then pick a theme that you're going to work on for six months at a time and by a theme, I mean, this is your number one, okay? This is the facet we're going to focus on. And there have been times in my life when my career was more important than the time I was spending at home. There was a time in my life where my social life was way more important than school or my career. There have been times where there was nothing more important on this planet than the people that I love.

(49:24):

And so pick a theme right now for the next six months of what your top priority in your life is going to be. When you think about your most authentic self, what do you want to focus on as the number one thing for the next six months? This is the thing that's going to bring you the most expansion, 

(50:22):

You can have it all, but not all at once, right? How you feeling right now? I feel pretty good. Are you ready to go and live your life for you? Are you ready to point yourself in a more true and authentic direction to feel more energized? I know you are. So let me quickly recap the seven truths. Number one, when you start putting yourself first, you're going to disappoint other people. I want you to expect it. You got to learn how to be okay with it. Because when you don't live a life that is true to you, you're disappointing yourself. Number two, being yourself is so energizing, and that's your GPS. There is nothing more depleting in life than pretending you're somebody that you're not. Stop doing it. Pay attention to where your life is draining you and start adding in the small things during the day that make you come alive.

(51:25):

It is magical how it creates so much positive energy in your life. Truth number three, being yourself creates confidence. So stop sitting around waiting for the doubt to go away. That self-doubt is blocking the real. You have to be willing to try. You have to be willing to push yourself. You have to be willing to move toward what is energizing and disappoint other people and the confidence will build truth. Number four, loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with other people. So for the next five days, I want you to prove to yourself every single morning after you brush your teeth, I want you to high five yourself in the mirror as an act of love to prove to yourself that you are serious about changing your relationship with yourself and being more loving. Because when you love yourself first, you create true and lasting love with other people.

(52:31):

Truth number five, learn to love what is unique about you. Instead of ignoring it or trying to change it, embrace it. No judgment, just all kinds of admiration. It is just a simple trick that changes everything. Truth number six, what you think and feel about your life matters way more than what other people are going to think about it. Look, people are going to have their opinions, but your opinion about what you're doing is the most important one to care about. And finally, number seven, you can have it all when you are your true self, just not all at once. So pick that number one facet of your life that you're going to focus on for the next six months and wake up every day and make sure that you are adding something in that allows you to feel the energy that comes when you know deep in your heart that you are spending time every day doing something that makes you feel more like you.

(53:28):

And with these seven truths is your guide. You will feel more confident, more courageous, and you now know the secret to living a more authentic life. And in case no one else tells you. Today, I wanted to be the first to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life by living it as your truest self. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for spending time with me today. I also want to thank Netflix, the sponsor of today's show. That's right, Bridger Tin is back for its third season. So go grab your friends or your loved ones and watch to see how Penelope feathering steps into her light and true self, and to see how she has gained confidence through her writing and voice. As the secret author of The Lady Whistle Down Gossip column, I've been cheering for Penelope since season one, and now in the third season, she is finally stepping into her own.

(54:20):

Does Penelope have it all in the end? Does she find true love while staying true to herself and pursuing her passions? Or will she be forced to put things on the shelf? You're going to have to watch and find out for yourself part one of Bridger's Season three, debuts May 16th only on Netflix. I want to thank you for being here with me on YouTube. Please take a second and subscribe to this channel. It helps us bring you amazing videos every single day at zero cost, and it's one way that you could truly support me and being my authentic self. And thank you for sharing this episode with anybody that you know and love who needs these seven truths. Now, I know you're looking for more inspiration, particularly on confidence, so check out this video next.