3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

(25:09):

That's not me. My genius is in being creative. It's in connecting with people. It's flying by the seat of my pants. That's my genius. And somehow, Chris and I have made it work for 26 years, and I think it has to do with the fact that we are 99% compassionate, understanding, and supportive of one another. And then there's those 1% moments that happen today over me being a dumb ass. And of course I feel terrible about it, but I will never be Susie Q with the calendar. That's just not who I'm supposed to be in life. And that's okay. But I can be more responsible about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown. And we are going to get into boundaries. I know you're already going to, well, what do you do, Mel? We will get there. But I want to address one other aspect of Lisa's question, and it's this

 

Lisa (26:02):

Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel,

 

Mel Robbins (26:15):

I'm going to give you a specific tactic for people who wallow. I call this the six month rule. The people in your life get six months to wallow in anything. 

(27:12):

It's the six month rule. Here's what you say. So-and-so, I'll give you an example for my own life. So I have a friend that got a divorce after a really, it was like one of those divorces that's just ugly, just ugly, ugly, ugly. And the divorce was finalized, okay? This friend of mine, every time I saw her constantly complaining about the X and the this and the that and the other thing and the other thing and the other thing. And finally after six months, I looked at her and I said, you are no longer allowed to talk about this in front of me. I have recommended therapists. I have been a good friend. I have given you books to read, all of which you have done nothing about. I am no longer available to be a soundboard for your wallowing because it is clear to me that you don't want to do anything about this.

 

(28:14):

The second that you would like to change this, I am here to support you. I am here to help you, but I am not available for you to stay stuck. I care about you too much. So if you'd like to go complain to somebody else, please do. But you are not allowed to bring this person's name up. You're not allowed to talk about your marriage, your ex marriage, your ex, any of it. I'm not available for that anymore. And an interesting thing will happen. That person will be mortified and they probably won't call you for a while because they're still addicted to their wallowing. You're not trying to change them. Isn't that interesting? You're not trying to change them. You didn't say stop wallowing. You said, I'm not available for it. So you know who changed in that relationship? You did. You changed what you're available for.

 

(29:02):

So I want you to understand that when you understand and you accept these three truths about people, if they wanted to, they would unless they can't. Number two, you can't change anybody. And number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. You take all the power back. None of this says you can't change. And so when you get frustrated by somebody else complaining, cut off access to the complaining, you're not saying, I don't love you. 

(29:45):

Moving on. I'm here for you. No longer giving airtime to this asshole that you're divorced to. I am here for your future. I am no longer here for your past. When your friend is ready to change, guess what? They will because they will want to remember. That's rule number one. If they wanted to, they would. And one of the things that I want to say before we move on to question number two is that I think a lot of us learn that part of a relationship is struggle, that there's conflict, that there's tension, that you've got to have somebody to fight against or push against that you saw these patterns growing up or they have been patterns in friendships or relationships. And so you're just kind of used to this push pull. Well, what if I told you that it doesn't have to be that way?

 

(30:40):

That maybe if you're in relationships that feel like a lot of work, that that's a sign that the relationships that you're in are no longer working for you. And one of the fastest ways to get rid of the struggle is drop the rope. Now, what does that mean? So think about tug of war when you are playing a game of tug of war where you're on one side of the rope and you got other people on the other side of the rope and you're pulling back and forth and it's a lot effort and pulling, yanking, yanking. 

(31:26):

And so notice that Lisa's question was, Mel, I'm struggling to be a more tolerant person. And so the way you become more tolerant is accept those three things about people. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. Number two, you can't make 'em change. Number three, stop being mad at them for not being who you want. And then you've learned some other things. It doesn't mean you can't change. It doesn't mean you can't draw boundaries. Doesn't mean you can't say you can do all this stuff you want, but don't do it in front of me. I think it's a real wake up call when you start to look at how much you're trying to change other people. We all do it. You want somebody to be healthier. I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I really worry about my brother and I want him to be healthier.

 

(32:18):

He's six foot five. He's a big guy. He's always had a big build. And I worry because the ticker, the heart, it works extra hard when you're a tall guy. And so I can't make him change. I can love him. I can tell him I'm worried about him, but he's got to be the one that is motivated to do it. And one of the things that I did, because I'm guilty of wishing people would change, I'm guilty of being frustrated. I've shared with a lot of you that I really miss my parents. We don't live near each other and my parents don't like to travel over the holidays, and I'd like them to come visit us here in southern Vermont. They're down in Florida and they don't want to travel over the holidays. And I have a choice. I can accept them and love them, or I can feel frustrated and want to change.

 

(33:12):

And what is feeling frustrated and wanting to change the people that you love? Do? It just makes you feel frustrated. It makes you feel negative energy when you're trying to change somebody. You're not loving them, you're judging them, 

Dan (34:41):

In doing this work, I was able to see myself grow not only by my daily actions, but also by the way, I started to think one day my wife and I were chatting in the kitchen and she actually said to me to stop acting like I'm on a pedestal, a selfish Mr. Know-it-all, which I had no idea I was doing. So this got me thinking perhaps my change was affecting her, and for some reason I felt I was at fault. Can you speak specifically to your transition from being a regular parent to being mouth fucking Robbins and how you overcame the family shakeup and what was all happening around that time? Thank you.

 

Mel Robbins (35:20):

Okay, this is a great question. So one thing first, how I went from being just like a normal person to quote Mel Robbins. There was not some overnight thing that happened. I am who I am today because of the work that I've done over probably a decade. This is not like I won the lottery and I went from being broke to being a millionaire. This is, I went from being nearly bankrupt and basically a drunk on the verge of divorce in 2008, two meticulously, one foot in front of the other, slowly changing, slowly learning about myself. And so my family has had the benefit of seeing a slow, I mean sometimes. So tedious evolution, what true change is, it doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time. But what you're talking about is really important for us all to understand. And this is one of the most common questions that I get.

 

(36:24):

It doesn't matter who you are, what kind of change you're making. The fact is when you make a change, you create ripples that hit other people whether you intend to or not. And this thing that I'm about to explain to you is, and I didn't see this for a long time, I was guilty of being the kind of person that it sounds like you may be, that when you're really excited about something, you become a huge cheerleader. Let's all go gluten-free. Let's all become vegan. Oh, the best thing in the world is keto. Oh, you know what we should do? We should take this seminar. We should all exercise. We should do this. We should do that. You should become an entrepreneur. I became a just big advocate. And when you do that, it can come off to other people like you think you're better than them now that you've quit smoking or you've quit drinking, or you suddenly don't eat animals because you're a vegetarian.

 

(37:31):

That sounded terrible. Now, that makes me want to be a vegetarian, honestly, when I say it that way. But you know what I'm saying. And so let me explain why that happens. Okay? Number one, everybody, any change you make impacts any relationship you're in because relationships are about energy and relationships are also about overlapping patterns. And if you think about that, it's true. The people that you feel closest to in terms of your friend group are people that you click with. It also happens that you probably have a lot of overlapping patterns, whether it's you have patterns of interests that overlap, or you work together in that overlaps, or you have kids the same age in that overlaps. So you live in the same neighborhood and that overlaps. And so it's this energy and this pattern thing. The second you change anything in your life, energy shifts and patterns change.

 

(38:25):

And that means every relationship's going to change. And you can't. That's not anything you can avoid. It's a fact of life. If you decide that you suddenly want to launch a side business, all of a sudden you're not going to have time on Saturday nights to hang out with your buddies playing poker. It's a fact because you're going to be interested in working on your side business. And as you work on your side business, you're going to start meeting other people that do the same kind of business. And because you are interested in that, you're going to be spending more time with them. Patterns change. I want you to accept that as a fact. It doesn't mean anything's wrong, but let's talk about the issue that you are facing with your wife, okay? Because this is what you need to understand about other people. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. I'm going to say that again. Your changes do not inspire other people. They confront them. And I'm going to give you a famous example from my marriage. I am once again, the jerk in the story, and Chris is the winner.

 

(39:37):

There's no winners. That was me being funny. Chris is the transform one. I'm the jerk. So a couple years ago, Chris made this decision that he was going to stop drinking for a while, and I was so excited for him. He had had a major problem with alcohol as the restaurant business was really struggling. It was basically the way that he dealt with his stress. And so when he got out of the restaurant business, he's like, I got to make major changes. I got to stop drinking. I need to get healthy. I got to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. And so he decided step number one, not drinking. I'm like, yes, I was a yes for about two days, and then by day three, dinnertime rolls around and I had a habit of loving to open up a bottle of wine while I was cooking.

 

(40:30):

And so day one and day two, I did not do that. I was supportive of my husband's change. And day three, I'm like, I think I'm going to have a glass of wine. Just because he's not drinking doesn't mean I can't drink. And by the way, Chris was also amazing in that he wasn't like, I'm doing this. You need to do this. He's like, I'm doing this for myself. So I open up the bottle of wine and I'm cooking, and Chris is standing there and the kids are running around and I take out the wine glass, and I'm like, and then I say, Hey, would you like to have a glass? And he's like, Nope. Look, you sure? I mean, it's basically just juice. It's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're having some bourbon. He's like, no, I don't want any wine, Mel.

 

(41:08):

I'm like, come on. And he looks at me kind of like he did this morning actually with the veterinarian story. He looks at me very frustrated, and he said, Mel, I don't want to drink. Stop asking me to have a glass of wine. And then I said, I'm sorry. Geez, I just feel bad. I feel bad having a glass of wine on my own. And then he said something that was a mic drop. He said, if you are concerned about what's in your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non-alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point. If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life.

 

(42:26):

Just like Chris's decision to stop drinking made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing, he's right. Nobody gives a shit what's in your glass, but people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your behavior than to take a look in the mirror and change their own. It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for 10 years and I don't really care about drinking wine. But now Chris is making me think about that, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than for me to question me.

(44:17):

Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor, he's also a professor, Dr. Keith Stankovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side bias. He's considered the scientist, scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at seven o'clock in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them?

 

(45:08):

Well, it has to do with this my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change. Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not, because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels when somebody says you should lose some weight, maybe you're drinking a little bit, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds when they think it's their idea. 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves.

 

(46:06):

That is so important because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of my side bias, I would argue, oh, no, I don't. But when he says, stop pressuring me, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing, Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices. Of course, whatever I do next is going to become my idea because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do.

 

(46:58):

So back to Dan. I'm sure Dan, your wife feels judged. So first of all, apologize. If anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you, but do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all because now only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions, why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? Is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialogue, and you're going to open something up because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, let's take this broader than Dan question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making, they're passive aggressive, they roll their eyes, this is normal. I want you to stop for a second and let's come back to a little bit of compassion.

 

(48:14):

Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves, but trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make 'em laugh. You can make 'em think, make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be. Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're not. Now remember, you can have boundaries. You should talk to your wife about the ways in which you could talk about these changes that would be supportive to her.

(49:16):

You can have boundaries with her, and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little luxury, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't want to hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now. Every morning when that alarm goes off at 5 45 and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up, he's already up and Adam, and when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water, and he's already drunk a quarter of it, and it's only six 15 in the morning. And at 6:30 AM after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions, and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind.

 

(50:12):

He doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you? Oh, you're up now. No, he's just focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect. You know what it's doing? It's making me go, I wonder what would happen if I got up a little bit earlier. It might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside of it. I wonder what would happen if I exercised twice a day if I took on this structure. And so the truth is, Chris made a change. It sent ripples through our marriage and our relationship, and he never said a damn word about it. The change itself is impacting me and making me think pretty cool how that works, huh? And one more thing, focus on you, protect your energy because when you protect your energy, you create peace in your life.

 

(51:15):

And that is something that I want you to protect at all costs. My mission is to empower you, inspire you to be connected to you so that you feel like you want to do the things that are going to create a better life. It's my hope that when you listen to this podcast, you think it's your idea to do these things. If I do that, we are both winning. If you then share this podcast, guess what? When your friends and family listen to me, even though it was your idea to send 'em the episode, they're going to think it was their idea. So I love the feedback that you're giving me, that you love sending these episodes to your friends and family because it is sending the message that you know can't send, and you're not alone. My kids don't listen to me either. If I try to tell Chris what to do or my brother what to do, we now know because of my side bias, they're going to resist it.

 

(52:19):

But when you listen to a podcast episode, I'm just getting the genius of this. You think it's your idea. I love that. And you know what? It is your idea. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who's responsible for your happiness and for creating the life that really lights you up. And when you bring more understanding and compassion to your relationships, and you stop being mad at people because they can't do what you need 'em to do, trust me, you will be a happier person. Life will get easier. Man, that's pretty awesome. So thank you for being here. I love you in case nobody tells you that because your changes are pissing them off right now. That's all right. Just smile at 'em, love 'em up, and know that your friend, Mel Robbins loves you. And I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to focus on yourself and do the work to create a better life. And for you sitting here watching with me on YouTube, I just want to say, please share this with somebody. Don't just sit and watch. Please do something and take a minute and subscribe to this channel because it's really a way that you can support me in bringing you new videos every single day. And I'm sure you're looking for something really inspiring to watch, to really move you. So I want you to check out this video next.