Episode: 2
2 Ways To Take Your Power Back When You Feel Insecure
with Kendall Robbins
This is the ultimate episode about resilience, confidence, and standing in your power.
You can make those moments of insecurity a win. You can find your confidence when self-doubt comes in. You will get your power back after listening to this.
Learn how to turn hurt feelings into a WIN for you.
You’ll understand how to break old patterns of self-sabotage and kick them to the curb for good.
Listen on:
Do not wait for your life to fall apart to understand the power of choosing a different path.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
I am so excited to talk to you today because there is something unfolding in real time with one of our daughters who lives out in Los Angeles and she's 21 years old. She's sitting in a class texting me, and it is an issue that I know that you can relate to or someone in your life is going through this right now. She's literally blowing up my phone with texts because she doesn't know what to do. What is the topic? Wow. Well, the topic is this. What do you do when somebody that you have been hooking up with and had a huge crush on suddenly starts having a crush on one of your friends? That's what's going down in real time. I've got text messages when she gets out of class. I'm going to try to track her down and get her to unpack this with you and me in real time live and before I jump into the text messages and we get into this topic of being in the middle of an emotional tsunami where you find yourself starting to lose yourself and you are trying so hard to get your own power back as you've been blindsided by somebody that you like liking somebody else.
(00:01:35):
Before we get into that, I just want to take a minute. Thank you. I mean, your feedback about just the handful of episodes that we have put out so far on the Mel Robbins podcast has blown me away. This is a brand new show. We are a small show, and we are becoming a mighty show because of you. And I wanted to do this podcast, I said in the very beginning because I wanted to share my life in a more intimate and real time way with you, in a way that I can't do in audio books and on YouTube or in the short form content that you see on social media. I wanted to go deeper into the everyday stuff that knocks us on our ass or that gives us hope and inspiration. And every time you share an episode or I see you posting them and sharing them on your social media pages, you are helping to create a ripple effect of change.
(00:02:35):
So many of us want to make a difference in the world, and if you hear something on this show that moves you, that inspires you, that empowers you, that makes you laugh, that makes you feel a little bit less alone, and you share it with somebody else, you are part of a force for good and for fun. And so I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, for giving me your most precious commodity, which is your time and your trust. And together we are going to do incredible things and we are just getting started. Now that said, so many of you are also blowing up my dms on Instagram and comments on TikTok and the comments on YouTube and Messenger and on Facebook and hitting the inbox. So I want to tell you something. I want you to help me program this show.
(00:03:25):
And so please, if you got ideas, if when you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast, you're like, oh my gosh, I got an idea for Mel, please go to mel robbins.com/podcast. That's right. Go to my website, mel robbins.com/podcast, and right there you will see that there are two forms that we have created just for you. One of the forms is a form for you to recommend an expert, an author, a friend, somebody that you would love for me, Mel Robbins, to dig deeper with on some subject that you care about. That's form number one. Form number two is topics, baby, give me your topics, whether it's a problem you're facing and you need advice or there's something that you just wish that we would take our secret sauce of entertaining, unpacking advice, and go to work researching this topic for you and bringing you the most entertaining, science backed and relatable way to approach the things that you're dealing with.
(00:04:27):
So that said, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. I believe in you. I love having your partnership and support. It means everything to me, and it provides so much motivation for our team to go even deeper, get more creative, and keep showing up for you. So I love you. Thank you. Alright, now let's get into this topic.
Mel Robbins (00:04:51):
Okay, so I am in Salt Lake City and I'm about to give a speech. And as I landed here in Salt Lake City, my phone when it came back online, started to blow up and it was text messages from our daughter who is a senior in college. Her name is Kendall, and she is a music student and she aspires to be a singer songwriter. And that piece of information is important because it relates to the heartbreak, the confusion, and the entanglement issues she is going through.
(00:05:26):
So what is the issue? The issue is she was really interested in somebody in her program and they were collaborating as musicians. They were hooking up. They had a really fun relationship. They really cared about each other. And as these things do, it kind of fizzled out. And recently there has been a new friend that has come into her life that's also a musician that has been extremely helpful in collaboration. And Ken's all excited. And in fact, a week ago she called me and said, you're never going to believe this. I met the coolest woman. She wants to do sessions together. She wants to work on music together. I feel so energized. And now Kendall's texting me because she found out a piece of information yesterday and it has rocked her world. So let me find, of course I do not have this teed up for you.
(00:06:25):
You can tell this is real time because I'm like, oh my God, I did not actually prepare because this is unfolding. Oh, here she goes. Okay, found it. So at 11:43 AM my daughter texts me and says, mom, I got to call you later. I found out some tea and I'm hashtag sad. And then I said, let me guess. Brendan has a girlfriend that's her high school sweetheart who they've both committed to marrying each other if they're both single still in their thirties. Is that it? Tell me the tea. I just got off a plane. She says, no. Ha, ha, ha, ha ha. Remember how I told you my friend wants to help me book sessions and do management stuff? Yep. And come on, you are a teases when it comes to this kind of stuff. Lay it on me. Sorry. I'm in class basically, it's a long story, but she now has a crush on, I'm going to make up a name.
(00:07:19):
I don't want to disclose their names. She has a crush on what name should we use? Everybody. Steve. She has a crush on Steve. Steve. Do people name their kids Steve anymore? Steve, okay. Basically, it's a long story, but she has a crush on Steve and he has a crush on her. They've done a few sessions together. She needed help on a song she wrote for a class. And I just know that this is the universe giving me a test because the fact that she just waltzed into my life wants to be a bigger part of my life. And she just so happens to be now developing a crush on this boy I have history with and have made really good music with this mom is not a coincidence, but I'll admit I did have a big ugly cry last night because she's fucking gorgeous and they haven't even hooked up yet. And he's already telling our friend that he's crushing on this girl too.
Mel Robbins (00:08:23):
Like, bro, we hooked up for six months and he never said those words to. So now I just feel like he was only in it with me for the sex. Like, wow, now I have to give myself some props. I have been working on not trying to jump in and solve my kids' problems. This is so hard for me to do. My anxiety and my need to fix things and my need to make sure my kids are okay, has me typically in this situation jump in and be like, here's what you need to do. And here, but I have been working on using my own five second rule. Count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, put yourself in pause. And then I choose a different response. And my response now is to not correct a situation but to seek connection. And so I put myself in paws. I'm so proud of myself for this. You've got to try this with the people in your life. And instead of offering a solution, I just offered connection and said, well, that fucking sucks. I hate it when the universe does that.
(00:09:33):
And then she said like, what am I supposed to make of this mom? I put myself in pause. I did not offer a solution. And I said, I don't know. What do you think you're supposed to make of this? Can we just say good job, Mel Robbins? I feel like, okay, this is a huge leap in my parenting skills. She says, well, it almost feels like a test. And then I say, do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking? And she says Yes. And I said, I agree. I think it's a test about how serious you are about music. And then she says, it's also confusing because they're both so serious about music, which is why I think they're like into each other. And it's almost confronting for me in a way. And then I wrote, every relationship is a test.
(00:10:42):
This one is saying, don't test me. I'm just fine on my own. Hey, wouldn't this be a great Lizzo song this moment? She says, I know, but this is just so unfortunate. I know that this is just the universe, mom. All I have been manifesting is devotion to my work and music above all else. And clearly this is just a test of that manifesting because they're two people who want to help me make progress in my music career. And now that they could potentially get involved with one another, it's a test to try and shift my attention and question both of their roles. And if I actually want to collaborate and use them to help me with my music career, I've been trying so hard all day to have an abundant mindset, like good for them. Honestly, how great it is that someone I want to produce and write with is also really dig someone that I want to support, that wants to support me, believe in me and help me grow. And then I said, I want you to also consider energy.
(00:11:48):
She said, expand on that. I said, I will. I think your energy is off now that this has happened and this is not a good sign.
Mel Robbins (00:12:01):
She says, what do you mean? I said, well, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music with someone you have weird vibes with. Now I want to stop right there and unpack something for you. If you don't know what to do in life, always go in and pay attention to energy. When the energy shifts around people or relationships or anything that you're doing, that is always a sign about alignment, it's a sign for you to slow down. When energy vibes shift and something feels off as a human being, you are wired to be in alignment. You're wired to feel like things are in a groove. And clearly when you find out news like our daughter did 24 hours ago, that somebody that you had been hooking up with and still have a crush on and still want to work with now has a crush on someone else and she has a crush on them, the energy is going to shift.
(00:13:08):
And it's now an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, for you to seek better alignment and for you to follow the energy that feels good. That's the opportunity of a moment like this, which is why I brought up energy. Let's go back to the text exchange. Okay, mom, can you expand on that? I said, well, I will later, but your energy is off and that's not a good sign. She said, what do you mean? I said, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music, which is something very intimate for you with someone you have weird vibes with. Have you ever had this situation happen to you like at work where you kind of had a crush on somebody at work? And next thing you know you're finding out that the person you have a crush on with is actually secretly dating somebody else at work, and now you don't feel like you want to work on projects with those two.
(00:13:58):
That's an example of that energy being off. And then she says, you mean the fact that my energy has been thrown by this means that it's not a good call, but mom, I also think that I can rise above this and be above this and let them do their thing without feeling threatened. Okay, let's stop right there. That is so true. What if you could develop the power and the self-awareness to notice in these kinds of heartbreaking and confusing situations that boom, the energy's off. Oh my God, I'm disappointed. I'm also confronted, what if you could literally switch gears in that moment? I mean, wouldn't that be a superpower to be able to rise above that kind of thing? And then she writes this, well, I don't want to be with him anyway. I mean, I just don't, don't want him to want her mic drop. Isn't that life right there?
Mel Robbins (00:15:00):
And of course I had to say that's a song. I know you hate it when I say that, but when I read your texts, I feel like I'm reading lyrics. Christopher Robbins. Okay, right in the middle of this, my husband's calling. Okay, let me just pick it up real quick and let's see if Chris has to say, did I just, oh wait, I dunno what's happening? Is he still calling? Oh, here he is. Hold on. Hey, Chris.
Chris Robbins (00:15:28):
Hey, Mel.
Mel Robbins (00:15:29):
I'm taping a podcast. What's up?
Chris Robbins (00:15:33):
I love you.
Mel Robbins (00:15:35):
I love you too. Can I say something real quick? I'm talking about the situation that Kendall has with that guy she had been hooking up with. We're calling him Steve and her finding out that Steve has a crush on someone at school. That is her good friend. Has she talked to you about this?
Chris Robbins (00:15:59):
This is a recent thing.
Mel Robbins (00:16:02):
Okay, so I guess you're in the dark.
Chris Robbins (00:16:05):
Yeah, I don't know anything.
Mel Robbins (00:16:07):
Okay.
Chris Robbins (00:16:09):
She's been trying to call me, but I don't know if it's explicitly to tell me the story. I don't know anything about it though.
Mel Robbins (00:16:14):
She probably is calling you to ask for money.
Chris Robbins (00:16:21):
I think she's all set. I can.
Mel Robbins (00:16:25):
All right. Well, I'm going to hang up and keep talking to,
Chris Robbins (00:16:28):
But you're probably right that she's not calling me for relationship advice.
Mel Robbins (00:16:33):
She's blowing up my phone about it right now. So here's what I'm going to do. I love you too. I'm going to hang up with you. I'm going to continue talking to the folks that are listening right now on the podcast. Do you want to say hi to everybody?
Chris Robbins (00:16:48):
Hey, everyone,
Mel Robbins (00:16:49):
Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Robbins. There he is. Yay. Okay, well, you have a great day. I'll call you later because I'm about to lose my train of thought. Bye
Chris Robbins (00:17:00):
Bye.
Mel Robbins (00:17:01):
Okay, so back to the podcast. That was Christopher Robbins. Isn't he cute? Okay, I think that's it. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to try to get Kendall Robbins on the phone. Okay? This is what we're going to do. We're going to get her on the phone. I have no idea how this is going to go. One thing I need you to know about this is that this is not staged and that I am going to try to bring you into my life. But here's one boundary I need you to know as we start to do this on this show, we will never air something that either that features my kids or text messages or a friend or my husband without them listening to the episode and giving us the okay, I put that boundary in place. I want us to be able to record in a way that is spontaneous and authentic and live.
(00:17:59):
And in that environment allow people to speak freely, but also to have people know that they're safe to speak freely because nothing will air that they're uncomfortable with. So it's important for me to tell you that so that you understand the steps that I'm taking to both share my life and keep this real and raw and authentic and relatable and deeply personal, and also not exploit people or make them feel unsafe. Okay? So let's see if we can get Kendall Robbins on the phone. She does not know that we are calling her. Here we go. For those of you watching on YouTube right now, I just want to tell you something. We taped what you're about to hear and watch yesterday and the whole thing went down live, but when I opened yesterday, I was all discombobulated. And so I'm in a different outfit than what you're about to see. And frankly, I don't even know how we're going to end this thing. So I might be in a different outfit when you're watching this on YouTube. And that's one of the things why it's important to subscribe to YouTube because we do release audio versions of the podcast and the unabridged behind the scenes, anything goes crazy ass stuff. Longer form is always released on the same day on YouTube. So you're going to want to listen to both. Okay? Anyway, that's it. So let's cut to us trying to get to Kendall. Here we go.
Dr. Schneeberger (00:19:48):
Hi, this is Dr. Schneeberger Kendall's grandfather. If your'e a boy hang up, otherwise leave a message at the tone. Please record your message.
Mel Robbins (00:20:00):
She has had that voicemail message that my dad recorded for since she was in ninth grade. I got to give her props for having the same outgoing message that your grandfather recorded, I mean, for eight years. Come on now. If you can roll with that through high school and college, you can roll through somebody crushing on your ex crush. That's all I'm saying. And you can also get the message in all of this mess of your life that what is hurting you is probably not meant for you. That it's time that you align your life with a new direction that energizes you and people that you're in a groove with. It's really that simple. People come and go in your life, and that doesn't mean that you're not going to be stung when they exit, because when that door slams, sometimes your finger can get caught on it. You know what I'm saying? So let's see if she calls us back. She's in class. She just texted me, mom. Mom, I'm in class. What's your problem? She'll find out what my problem is when she calls back, and hopefully we'll be able to air it.
(00:21:10):
You answer it. Kendall. Oh, Kendall.
Kendall Robbins (00:21:19):
Hi.
Mel Robbins (00:21:19):
Hi. Okay, so I thank you for calling me back after class. I wanted to talk to you about the texts that we were exchanging today because it reminded, what are you doing?
Kendall Robbins (00:21:34):
I'm eating a chocolate bar, mom. Sorry, I don't have a fucking podcast mic on me right now. Okay, I'm ready. Go.
Mel Robbins (00:21:45):
America will wait. No, the Globe will because we have listeners and fans around the world hanging on your every world word, and the crumbs coming out of that chocolate bar.
Kendall Robbins (00:21:56):
They're good crumbs.
Mel Robbins (00:21:57):
Are you inside? Can you go outside where maybe we can hear you?
Kendall Robbins (00:22:03):
I am outside.
Mel Robbins (00:22:04):
Can you move away from those annoying people sitting next to you?
Kendall Robbins (00:22:08):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:22:09):
Oh, good. Okay.
Kendall Robbins (00:22:12):
Talk to me while I'm moving.
Mel Robbins (00:22:14):
Talk to you while I'm moving. Okay. So I got your text today, and I shared the gist of it with everybody, and after sharing the gist of it with everybody, I thought, wow, it reminded me of a moment when I was going through a really hard time and there was a bunch of things in my life that were not working the way I'd hoped they would. And you gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. Do you remember what it was?
Kendall Robbins (00:22:53):
I do.
Mel Robbins (00:22:54):
What was it?
Kendall Robbins (00:22:58):
Well, I told you that the reason that you were experiencing that whatever you were experiencing, which was not a pleasant experience, was so you could get back in touch with what the people you're trying to inspire or struggling with every day, because you're a very lucky person. You've worked very hard for the life that you have, but I think you, on a day-to-day basis, don't really struggle the way that the people you inspire do. And I told you that the reason that you were having all of these issues was because you needed to be reminded of how they feel and how you had once felt.
Mel Robbins (00:23:43):
And if we go a deeper and more profound on the advice, what force was actually giving me those lessons?
Kendall Robbins (00:23:55):
What was
Mel Robbins (00:23:56):
What force? Because in your advice, there's a presumption about something bigger and more profound. Talk about that. The
Kendall Robbins (00:24:04):
Universe. Well, should I talk more descriptive of my own personal experience?
Mel Robbins (00:24:15):
Well, when you gave me that advice, because it's easy to give advice, right? Because you're not emotionally attached to the situation.
(00:24:23):
And so when you gave me that advice that the reason why these things were happening in my life that were hard and challenging and causing me a lot of pain and causing me to question people around me and what was happening, you basically said that, mom, your biggest mission in life is to help people. That's how you started. And because of your success, you have gotten far away from what it feels like to wake up every day and feel this level of struggle, that there was something in this challenge tied to my purpose and that a greater spiritual force and energy was behind this if I was willing to look at the challenge that way.
Kendall Robbins (00:25:17):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:25:18):
Do you believe that?
Kendall Robbins (00:25:20):
No. I mean, I think it's also has a lot to do with growth and comfort and wanting to, I don't know, because I think you and me are both inspired by and want to create things that require us to grow and to challenge ourselves every day. And it's so easy to just stay in a comfortable place to stay and stay in all of the habits that you have to never do shit that scares you or do never interact with people or things or relationships that make you look in the mirror or make you feel insecure or make you scared, or make you angry, or whatever it is. And I think that challenge tie that you experienced was, I don't know. I think for me right now, I'm sort of in this place where I'm trying to, I'm going through a teeny little fucking challenge tide that's basically a fucking tide pool. It's not a tsunami. Yours was, mine was not. But I think I'm going through this challenge tide, and I'm trying so hard because I want to maintain feeling aligned,
Kendall Robbins (00:26:49):
And because I want to embrace growth and not let this derail me that I'm trying so hard to stay in a mindset where I look at it as an opportunity instead of something that's been put, I'm being damned, I'm being wronged. It's more of like, okay, you know what? Thank you. This is some sort of
Mel Robbins (00:27:10):
Message. What is the message I'm supposed, because let's go back to this part where you get the news that somebody that you are a new friend with is now crushing on somebody you used to crush with. Yeah.
Kendall Robbins (00:27:26):
And this new friend has come into my life and asked if they can pour into me basically professionally, which is an absolute godsend. And then I find out a few days later that it's like there's some entanglement between someone that I used to feel something for, and now they might feel something for them, but I still want to utilize this new friend. I'm just playing chess. Maybe I'm playing checkers. I don't know. I don't really know how to play either
Mel Robbins (00:27:59):
One. What's the difference? I don't either. Well, I think I know how to play checkers, but
Kendall Robbins (00:28:04):
I'm probably playing checkers. Let's be honest.
Mel Robbins (00:28:08):
Well, I think that you're at a crossroads,
Kendall Robbins (00:28:10):
But what my point is, is that it would be so easy for me to just drop a fucking bomb on this really cool person and this really cool opportunity I have with not only the ex, but the new person who's going to help me and the ex who by the way, I also deeply, deeply respect and care about and know in my heart that I'm not supposed to be with and I'm not supposed to have a relationship to. But I think now that he and her are now entangled, it's making me go, wait. I kind of want him to be entangled with me again, which is not what I want. It's just my whole, this is my fear of rejection coming up and my ego coming up. But back to my point is it would be so easy for me to just fucking derail this whole thing because I'm insecure and I'm suddenly feeling like I'm in a place of resistance. And it would be
Mel Robbins (00:29:10):
Stop right there. Harder for me. Stop there. Stop right there. Can I just ask a question? Can you explain to me what exactly you would do to derail this situation? What would the old, sneaky, nasty you do?
Kendall Robbins (00:29:28):
Well, I would probably just find ways to, I would probably start to avoid her. I would probably pull the plug, not pull the plug, but just pump the brakes on this relationship that I'm cultivating and this relationship that I'm actively pouring more time into. I would probably pump the brakes on that.
Mel Robbins (00:29:53):
Would you then pull the string again on the person you used to be interested in?
Kendall Robbins (00:29:59):
Would I would on him?
Mel Robbins (00:30:00):
Would you stoke the flame on the person you used to be interested in? Again,
Kendall Robbins (00:30:04):
That would be level zero, Kendall, because I'm not really somebody that does that after a breakup, but maybe I'm more of a cold shoulder person. You don't exist. I don't exist, which is not really a great tactic. Is that
Mel Robbins (00:30:21):
Like a level two?
Kendall Robbins (00:30:24):
No. I mean, I think what I would do is I would pump the brakes on her, and every time I was around him, I'd shut down. I would not collaborate with him. I would not collaborate with her, and I would just feel myself in a place of resistance, in a place of
Kendall Robbins (00:30:45):
Shut down, in a place of, I would just go to a really horrible, horrible, detrimental, negative self-talk place that probably wouldn't be lifted for a while.
Mel Robbins (00:31:04):
You're basically describing my teens and twenties and sometimes my thirties, but go ahead. And sometimes my forties.
Kendall Robbins (00:31:14):
But well, what I was going to say is when I found out about this,
Mel Robbins (00:31:19):
How did you find out?
Kendall Robbins (00:31:22):
That's not important? I found out, and when I found out about this, which happened quite literally yesterday, all of last night, and slivers of today, I felt myself in that place, not really acting, not really acting out from that place, but in that mindset of looking in the mirror and being like, wow, I'm fucking ugly. Or being like, Ooh, she's so much better than me. No wonder he wants her. There's no way I can collaborate her because of this. There's no way that he's ever going to want to collaborate with me. Things are going to be awkward just over and over and over and over and over. And then I had to remind myself, we're not doing that. We're not going to live there. We're not going to be in that mindset, yada, yada, yada. But it's day. It's pretty much day one, and I'm already having to train myself to not go there.
Mel Robbins (00:32:21):
Can I ask you a question?
Kendall Robbins (00:32:23):
Sure.
Mel Robbins (00:32:24):
I think this is so incredibly relatable, and what I visualize when I think about you standing on a street corner and having the thought cross your mind or seeing them talking or having a text show up from one of 'em, because y'all are kind of collaborating in a professional sense that you're now literally find yourself at an emotional and mental crossroad. The text or seeing them or a song coming on triggers you to be at the crossroad and the Kendall Zero goes down the left hand road and has negative thoughts that basically beat the hell out of you and tell you a story. See more evidence. See this? And the Kendall, what number are we going to sign? This
Kendall Robbins (00:33:24):
Fucking a hundred.
Mel Robbins (00:33:25):
Okay. Kendall, fucking a hundred. Who then looks at the other fork, which is a fork that's aligned with what you actually want, with who you're becoming with energy that is in a groove that matches with you, and that's a whole new way of thinking and being for you.
Mel Robbins (00:33:25):
Having a text show up from one of 'em, because y'all are kind of collaborating in a professional sense that you're now literally find yourself at an emotional and mental crossroad. The text or seeing them or a song coming on triggers you to be at the crossroad and the Kendall Zero goes down the left hand road and has negative thoughts that basically beat the hell out of you and tell you a story. See more evidence. See this? And the Kendall, what number are we going to sign? This
Kendall Robbins (00:33:24):
Fucking a hundred.
Mel Robbins (00:33:25):
Okay. Kendall, fucking a hundred. Who then looks at the other fork, which is a fork that's aligned with what you actually want, with who you're becoming with energy that is in a groove that matches with you, and that's a whole new way of thinking and being for you.
Kendall Robbins (00:33:48):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (00:33:50):
What's this been like since you're actively in this? How would you describe what people need to do, who are in this situation? They're literally just found out that their ex is going on a date with their friend. They just found out that the dream job that they got or the dream school that they wanted to be in went to somebody else. And there's this moment where the way you thought things were going to go just don't happen, and you feel the sting that you're talking about, and it just causes you to start telling yourself a very old story. It's never going to work out for you. This always happens to me. Nobody's going to love me. When is it going to be my turn? All that crap. How does somebody in that moment actually visualize a fork in the road, start to catch that negativity and redirect themselves in a new direction?
Kendall Robbins (00:35:07):
Okay, well, one second. I'm just getting on my bike.
Mel Robbins (00:35:13):
Okay. Do we have to ride while we're giving the world advice here, mom,
Kendall Robbins (00:35:17):
I think that you forget that I'm a student and I'm living my life. So give me a second. You can cut this out. Relax, Jesus. Well, okay. Well, I'm sort of just going to start talking and I might contradict myself and I might go back on what I'm saying, but I guess that's part of this whole thing. But yeah, I am driving up to Thornton and potential encounter about to happen.
Mel Robbins (00:35:51):
That would be amazing. I'm going to manifest that right now. Dare God. Come on. Bring them in. Bring them in. I would like to see the two of them walk around the corner as you're talking to us.
Kendall Robbins (00:36:04):
No, no, no, they're not.
Mel Robbins (00:36:06):
If they did, where would you feel it?
Kendall Robbins (00:36:10):
I would be like, damn it, that blows, fuck. But then I would tell myself, I think what I tell myself is I'm like, well, I think that it helps for me, it helps to know that in my certain situation, I've already done it and I've already tried it and it didn't work. And I know in my heart, I think what you need to do in these kinds of situations is
Kendall Robbins (00:36:39):
Just remember what you know to be true in your heart. If it's your dream school and you didn't get in then and your best friend did just believe in the fact that it's still your dream school and it's going to happen, it just might not be right now. And I think for me, what I'm telling myself is I don't want that relationship. I don't want to be in that relationship, and I know that in my heart.
(00:37:04):
And instead of torturing myself and going back to my old ways of thinking and trying to tell myself that I do want it just so I can have some sort of stupid validation, I'm going to tell myself that he's still here. He's still talking to one of my good friends now maybe for a reason instead of seeing this as a detriment to my life, why don't I just flip the fucking script and benefit from it? How cool would it be if two people who I know care about me, who respect me deeply and who both want to pour into me creatively and professionally, how fucking amazing would it be if they both fucking love each other and are vibing and are awesome, and how great is it and how good and great does it feel to visualize them hitting it off and them crushing on each other and them being awesome and great and just an explosion of love and light. And I just get to experience that and I get to be around that, and I get to benefit from that. And I think,
Mel Robbins (00:38:06):
I don't think you were that into him. If you're this transformed 24 hours later, I'm just going to put it out there. This sounds like a highly evolved human being. No, I don't think.
Kendall Robbins (00:38:13):
No, it is. And I also, I think that a non-aligned human would probably listen to me talk and be like, well, that's fucking selfish
Mel Robbins (00:38:22):
Because I'll tell you what you just said. There was exactly the point of this, which is
Kendall Robbins (00:38:30):
I was going to say it's all about healthy selfishness in this situation. I know in my heart that what I want is not that. And so instead, let me just surrender to the reality of what it is and then flip the script and be like, how can I have fun? How can I make this fun for me? How can I use this to benefit me? How can I look at this in a way that's not going to make me feel like shit?
Mel Robbins (00:38:59):
I think that's amazing. And since you're on a roll, can I ask you one more question?
Kendall Robbins (00:39:05):
Sure.
Mel Robbins (00:39:05):
The fact that you've processed this in less than 24 hours and you're already love and light and alignment to me says you weren't that into 'em anyway, and these are old wounds that you're working on around rejection
Kendall Robbins (00:39:17):
Or it says that I was and I'm mature as shit, and I'm on my spiritual awakening journey and I'm aligned
Mel Robbins (00:39:30):
That you can. How
Kendall Robbins (00:39:31):
About that?
Mel Robbins (00:39:31):
I think that's freaking hot. That's
Kendall Robbins (00:39:34):
No like fuck though. You weren't that into him. No, I really was. But I'm more into myself and I'm on my fucking journey and one of it,
Mel Robbins (00:39:43):
Oh my God. Okay, so I just got something from this and now my armpits are sweating. It's such a good idea. You ready?
Kendall Robbins (00:39:50):
Sure.
Mel Robbins (00:39:52):
You were able to hyper process this because you are very clear about who you are and what it feels like when you're in the groove with energy and people and where you put your attention. And it is very clear when you are in alignment with your energy, with your focus, with who you surround yourself with, when something enters the space that's off, you feel friction. You don't feel like yourself. You feel yourself reaching for old toxic behaviors, and that's why you were able to process this so quickly and hold space for the fact I still like the guy and I still want to work with her and him
Kendall Robbins (00:40:37):
And him, so
Mel Robbins (00:40:38):
I got to figure this out because what the universe is actually teaching you, Ken, is it's teaching you how to stay laser focused on your higher objective instead of getting sucked into the toxic bullshit that Kendall Zero used to get sucked into.
Kendall Robbins (00:40:55):
Yeah, 100%.
Mel Robbins (00:40:58):
I love that.
Kendall Robbins (00:41:02):
That feels very clear and makes sense to me because it's like I don't want to lose them. What I was saying about the whole derailing thing is it would be so easy for me to just derail, okay, not working with you, not working with you. I'm going to go cry about it. I'm going to listen to fucking sad music and blah, blah, blah and miss this crazy good opportunity, or I could win from this. It's just the mindset of being like, I can win from any situation. Okay, well, that's a little provincial, but
Mel Robbins (00:41:41):
Actually Ken,
Kendall Robbins (00:41:42):
I think it's a good mindset to have any situation that you are in, whether or not you put yourself there, if you did, if you did, and if it was placed upon you, you can still win. And it's just about figuring out that higher objective and figuring out how you can feel aligned in that space that initially felt pretty negative.
Mel Robbins (00:42:05):
One final thought, one final thought. If we were to roll the clock back two and a half years, when you went through something way more painful that took a lot longer to process,
Kendall Robbins (00:42:18):
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Mel Robbins (00:42:22):
Do you have any insight to offer for somebody who's in that space who thinks what you're saying right now sounds absolutely fantastical and completely not realistic?
Kendall Robbins (00:42:41):
Well, that's, give me a second on that one. Not like a day. Give me actually five seconds.
Mel Robbins (00:42:48):
Can I offer something?
Kendall Robbins (00:42:51):
Sure.
Mel Robbins (00:42:53):
What if you take your mindset of I could win in this, that there are certain upsets along the way that take longer to process?
Kendall Robbins (00:43:05):
Okay, I have it
Mel Robbins (00:43:06):
Go.
Kendall Robbins (00:43:07):
I was just going to say that everybody always says you can't love anyone until you love yourself. But I feel like the word choice in that isn't correct because I feel like if I had known at that 0.2 years ago when I was going through a much more painful and drawn out and confusing entangled breakup, I didn't believe in myself at that point in time. I wasn't like I was put on this earth to do something bigger. I didn't actually believe with my whole heart that I was put on this earth to live an incredible life and that I had the power to do so.
(00:43:55):
And I think that's where a lot of people's issues are, is that they don't think that they're worth it. They don't think that they can actually achieve their dreams. They don't have dreams. You know what I mean? And it's like at that point in time, I had ideas of what I thought my dreams were, but they weren't real, and I didn't actually believe I'm going to be doing something bigger than this. This is just a piece to the puzzle. It's not the puzzle itself. And I feel like right now I can actually taste the bigger things that are going to be happening for me, and I can feel that. And because I can taste it, I know that this small challenge tide is just a test and it's not the whole thing, and I can easily compartmentalize it because I can taste the bigger picture. But how to do a lot of fucking taste testings before that, you know what I mean? Go to the winery, babe.
Mel Robbins (00:44:58):
I love that. And I would add one more thing. You're able to process this entanglement in hyper fricking star wars, whatever speed. I just see hyper speed because of everything that you allowed yourself to feel and learn and process and mourn and discover about yourself in that painful year of breaking up. Just like I am able to feel a level of contentment and happiness that I've never experienced in my life, now that I'm 53 because of the protracted, painful, awful, horrible two years of heartbreak that you had a front row seat to. And I think the breakthrough that you receive in life is in direct reverse proportion to how painful the experience was and when you get any.
Kendall Robbins (00:46:11):
But I don't think that that is widespread, and that isn't a way to seek.
Mel Robbins (00:46:17):
I don't recommend you smash into a wall to learn lesson. I'm saying life does that to you. And if you are able to process the hard stuff as a lesson, one of the benefits is the second the future you gets within an inch of anything that feels familiar to that old pain, you have an opportunity to go, oh, I'm at that crossroad. I see the old me. I could spend a year doing this bullshit where I suck my thumb in the corner and I play small, and I pretend my life is over and I hate every other woman because they're prettier. Or I know that road. Or you actually put yourself in park and say, wait a minute, I learned something from that. And what I learned is I'm not fucking doing that again to myself. I'm going to, yeah.
Kendall Robbins (00:47:07):
And I also think for this example, especially with this girl and this guy, I think even yesterday and today, I felt a little bit of like, oh, well, maybe that road that they're on is the wrong one. Maybe I'm like, oh, well, maybe I'm visualizing a lot of going left and going right, and for some reason, the right is always the right road to go down. I mean, I don't think that was a coincidence in my brain, but what I'm saying is yesterday I was like, you know what? Maybe collaborating with both of these people is going to the left. It's not going to the right, and I shouldn't be collaborating with them. This is not a good idea. But then I was like, no, because if I wasn't collaborating with them, then I would actually be going to the left because I would be in resistance and I would be in pain and I would be comparing myself to every other woman on the face of the fucking earth. You know what I mean? It's like,
Mel Robbins (00:48:06):
Yes,
Kendall Robbins (00:48:08):
Consider that you don't do that, and then see which road you're on.
Mel Robbins (00:48:11):
Amazing. Hold that thought. I just want to ask Andrea and Maddie and Jesse, do you have any question you want me to ask Kendall? No, Maddie, you got one. Maddie was crying.
Maddie (00:48:32):
I was crying because what you said. No. Well, what you said is exactly what I've been going through literally right now. And what I went through I think almost three and a half years ago when I went through a really prolonged drawn out breakup where I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in the relationship, and I wasn't enough to be enough for what he wanted when that wasn't the case. And it's taken me a really long time to get to the other side of it. And I think that what you said is, and I'm still probably not close. I'm like, I'm getting there, but I'm not quite there. You know what I mean? It just takes time. And I wonder maybe I like the question of what would you tell your past self, but not even what could you take away? It's just if you could place yourself in a space in this moment where you feel the exact same way that you felt at that time, you know that you would make a different decision, right?
Kendall Robbins (00:49:35):
Yeah. I think honestly, if I was in that really hard cyclical bad pattern, what I would do is just like every day do a little something that scared me or do every time that I felt just that shit mindset, I was going back to every time I felt myself going back to it just toy with the idea or welcome the idea of doing the other thing. You know what I mean? Because that's just sort of building the muscle, strengthening the muscle of going to the right instead of the left. Because for me, in that really long breakup, it was like I was in the same place. I'm not good enough for him. I'm never going to be good enough for him. And now I've gotten to a point where I'm like, it is a fucking gift that I was even with him. And it is a gift that it didn't work out.
(00:50:27):
It had nothing to do with me not being good enough to him. It was just like he was a part of my journey and he served his purpose and I knew all along, it wasn't supposed to be a lifetime, but I think I resisted going to the right for so long to the point where literally there was a fucking roadblock. The road fell apart, the left road fell apart, and it was like I don't have a choice. You know what I mean? And so I think what my piece of advice would be is to practice just turning right a little bit here and there every day. Just go to the right. Oh, I normally would do this, but let me just try doing that. Or I normally would think this, but let me just try thinking that. And I honestly think that that will help you strengthen the muscle because the amount of resistance I was in for so long, going to the left, going to the left, going to the left when the universe was like go to the fucking right was just a waste of time. And now I know that if I just practiced trying to do the other thing, think the other way, it would've been so much easier for me to see the strung along pattern that had been being created for me all along.
Maddie (00:51:32):
Well, I think it's interesting the fact that you say, go to the left and go to the right, because I think that you can take that in so many different directions. Something that my dad has always told me is always choose yourself first. And I've never done this. I always put others in front of myself and I always put others' feelings in others' situations and how other people react to what I do before what I think about my actions. And so I think it's interesting because turning left to me when you said it, I was like, that feels like choosing everybody else and turning right feels like choosing me.
Kendall Robbins (00:52:06):
Yes, 100%.
Maddie (00:52:09):
That's it.
Kendall Robbins (00:52:09):
It's like you always know what you should be doing for you, but it's scarier to do that or you don't want to do that because it might fuck up what's going on with everyone else, but the second you start putting you first, it's just a trickle down effect. You start attracting more shit to just start happening for you. And it's incredible.
Maddie (00:52:26):
It's so interesting that you say that because I recently started doing those kinds of things and I literally see a shift in my behavior and how other people react to my behavior. The confidence that I have based on choices that I've made in the last six months alone has been completely different than the confidence I had even a year ago that I can make decisions now today that I know I couldn't have made a year ago. And it's because of choices of turning right and choosing me instead of doing things for other people and doing things for the benefit of other people instead of doing them for the benefit of
Kendall Robbins (00:53:00):
Me. Yeah.
Maddie (00:53:02):
Good on you, man.
Kendall Robbins (00:53:03):
Okay, mom. I am literally, class starts in one minute, so I do have to leave. I love you very much and let's talk after class.
Mel Robbins (00:53:14):
I love you. I'm proud of you actually. I'm proud of the person you're becoming and your ability to share everything that you're learning through all of it with all of us,
Kendall Robbins (00:53:25):
Us. I'm proud of me too. I've come a long fucking way. Oh my God. It's laughable. But I'm just happy and I'm grateful that I can be this mindful about myself and I'm finally manifesting and attracting and doing things that I've always wished I could.
Mel Robbins (00:53:51):
I love it. Well, we'll keep sharing and unpacking it so everybody else can learn along the way too. Have a great class.
Kendall Robbins (00:53:57):
Yeah, we will. All right. I love you. Love
Mel Robbins (00:53:59):
You too.
Kendall Robbins (00:53:59):
Bye.
Mel Robbins (00:54:04):
I don't even know what the hell to say after that. I guess the one thing I want to say, having had a front row seat into the 24 hour evolved hyper speed wars style, and I say Star Wars because I'm thinking about how fast those ships fly. The 24 hour processing versus the literally year and a half long train wreck is what it was. I want to say this that first of all, you know me and I love simple visual tools that ya you out of emotional states. Going left means you're choosing other people. Going left means you're seeking validation. Going left means you're repeating old patterns, old behaviors, old stories. Going right means making teeny decisions where you choose yourself teeny decisions, where you find the courage to do something different. Don't go hang out at that guy's frat house hoping he sees you.
(00:55:06):
Go find your girlfriends at the library. Don't go stalking somebody on social media. Get your butt outside and go for a walk or go to a class. Don't continue to pour yourself into what the old you or the old relationship or the old thing was. Find a way each day to turn towards something new. That's how you start to make the right choices that align with who you're becoming instead of just grasping at what was and what no longer is. And the other thing I want to tell you, and I can say this from personal experience, and I can say this from watching this year and a half painful thing that happened to our daughter where she was entangled. If you keep choosing left the universe, God, the world energy, whatever you believe in, it cares so much about you that eventually it is going to drop a motherfucking sledgehammer on your face and it is going to cause and it is going to create the most painful, personal and shocking breakdown in your life because you're being so stubborn in choosing left all the time, knowing that you need to inch yourself in the right direction, that the universe or God or whatever the forces greater than you are going to wake your ass up by doing something painful and personal.
(00:56:45):
So you cannot ignore the fact that this thing that you keep doing it is terrible for you. And sometimes those wake up calls are exactly what we need, and sometimes there's a motorcycle outside. While I'm trying to get profound with you. For Kendall, it was a deep, deep betrayal for me. It was multiple deep, deep betrayals, all of which woke us both up to see that boy, we had been heading down the left path for a long time and we were too stubborn or insecure to wake up and see it. Do not wait for your life to fall apart, to understand the power of choosing a different path, to wake up every day and find the courage to inch right to inch towards something that feels different, that feels like an opening, that feels expansive. And here's how you're going to know. I'm going to give you one more tool.
(00:57:44):
So you've got this idea of visualizing a crossroad. You have this idea of alignment and what feels right and what doesn't feel right. You have this idea of choosing the left path or the right path, and that has nothing to do with politics, by the way. It's just a metaphor. So don't add any drama to it, please. I don't want to hear about it in the comments. It's just the old thing you used to do and different way. Here's another one. Here's how you know what is aligned with you. Energy doesn't lie when you ask yourself, how could I make this a win? Turn toward what feels expansive, turn toward what brings a little bit of energy into your life. If it's old and if it's painful and if it's the wrong path, you're going to feel yourself shrinking. You're going to feel yourself depleted.
(00:58:33):
You're going to feel your energy leave you. The interesting thing if you listen closely to Kendall share with you, is that she was very quick to say, I'm going to cut these people out of my life. But when she paid attention to the energy, she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Cutting them out of my life feels like I'm shrinking. It feels like my energy's leaving me. It feels like my power is going away, turning toward them, showing up differently, being open to receiving that feels energizing, that feels expansive, that feels actually different. You can use energy like that. We're going to talk a ton about that as we get to know each other to make the right best next choice for you. And that's what matters. And that's why I'm sharing all this stuff with you, not because I have the answers, but because you have the answers for you inside of you and inside of every experience that you're going through in life.
(00:59:29):
And we'll keep you updated. We'll see how the hyper processing is going with Kendall. I'm so proud of her and you want to know what else? I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for taking the time to be here with me for listening and learning and hopefully for applying this to your life. And I want you to know that that's why I'm here. I'm here on Mondays to help you start your week. I'm here on Thursdays to help you get through it. I'm here sharing the ups and downs, the good, the bad, all of it for one reason. And the reason is because I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in me, and I believe in both of our abilities to create a better life. And that's what the Mel Robbins podcast is all about. You got me. I got you. We're doing it together. So if you got something out of this episode, please, please share this with somebody who could use this. Subscribe to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Wherever you get your podcast, you're going to find your friend Mel Robbins there. And that's it. Have an absolutely amazing day. No, go make it an amazing day and just make the next right choice for you.
(01:00:52):
Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Key takeaways
When the energy shifts in a relationship or collaboration, see it as a sign to slow down and check if things are still in alignment for you.
You can choose yourself in tiny ways each day, building the muscle to turn toward what’s right for you instead of repeating old patterns.
Notice when you feel yourself shrinking or closing off—that’s your cue to pivot toward situations and people that feel expansive.
Every upset can be a test to stay focused on your higher goals instead of slipping into the toxic behaviors of your past self.
The universe will keep sending you situations until you learn to choose the path that truly supports who you’re becoming.
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