How to Become a Better Human: Lessons on Kindness, Love, and Happiness (From a 10-Year-Old)

Elton (16:10):

Well, I didn't talk to a therapist about this, but last year I was diagnosed with dysgraphia.

Mel Robbins (16:20):

Oh yeah. And I believe Oakley has

Elton (16:21):

It. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Oakley has that

Mel Robbins (16:23):

It, it's a language based learning

Elton (16:26):

Difference. I can't really write as well.

Mel Robbins (16:30):

Me either.

Elton (16:32):

So I get to type and voice type and it just really helped me because at the beginning of the year in fourth grade, I was like, skip in class, not because I was a bad kid, because I couldn't learn, not because I didn't want to, because I couldn't physically couldn't learn. So my teachers just thought I was a bad kid. So they misjudged me is what my mom said. But then at the end of the year, I got diagnosed and they were like, oh, so that's wrong with that kid.

Mel Robbins (17:09):

Well, it's not even, what's wrong?

Elton (17:10):

It's wrong. What's the difference?

Mel Robbins (17:13):

Yeah,

Elton (17:13):

Because there's a huge difference between I can't learn and I don't want to learn. True. Because if you can't learn, then yes, you want to learn, but you can't. There is no like, oh, I'm just not going to listen. I'm trying to listen, but I can't.

Mel Robbins (17:34):

You know what I love about what you just said, I've never heard anybody say it that way, but you're right. I can't learn based on how you're trying to teach me, but if you change the method of the teaching, it's easy to learn.

Elton (17:47):

Yes.

Mel Robbins (17:47):

And do you know that Oakley

Elton (17:49):

Went to a Dysgraphic and dyslexic school, right?

Mel Robbins (17:52):

Yep. And he was diagnosed in the fourth grade, just like you.

Elton (17:57):

That's awesome.

Mel Robbins (17:57):

And did you know that I also am dyslexic?

Elton (18:03):

No.

Mel Robbins (18:03):

Yes. And I did not find out Elton until I was 46 years old. Imagine going through life with

Elton (18:14):

Was it really hard?

Mel Robbins (18:17):

What was really hard is I couldn't understand why things were so hard in K through third.

Elton (18:24):

Everything was easy enough that it was hard, but I got through it. And then in fourth grade, everything was so hard for everybody. And so that was just instead of a slap that was a punch and I couldn't recover. And then at the end of the year, I finally realized, oh, that's why this has been so hard for my life because I have this.

Mel Robbins (18:51):

Yes. And I think about it now, and I was able to get through high school just fine. And then I went to a very competitive college. Which one? Dartmouth. I got there and it was like, oh God,

Elton (19:10):

I can't do this.

Mel Robbins (19:11):

I can't do this. And I would skip classes, I would just make it worse. I would pull these all-nighters. I would leave things to the last minute because I was avoiding it, and then you start to feel like there's something wrong with me.

Elton (19:26):

Yeah. If there's something you hate, you want to do it earlier, so you don't have that in your mind. But really what your brain wants you to do is stay away from it as long as possible, but then it gets stronger and stronger. And if you just deal with it right then and there, then it might take you a while and it might be really hard, but at least you did it.

Mel Robbins (19:54):

That's true.

Elton (19:56):

If I have a homework assignment due on Monday and today is Friday, let's say I will want to do it maybe tomorrow. Not right now, but not on Monday.

Mel Robbins (20:07):

I have another question for you. Yes.

Elton (20:14):

For a lot of my life, my parents have been super, super nice. But there's some moments where I wish they did push me more because I know I could do it. So encouraging your children is a huge part, but you really have to hit 'em with the double whammy. Let's say they have a learning difference and it's like, yes, you can do whatever you want, and yes, you are awesome, but some people will pick on you because of this.

Mel Robbins (20:51):

Got it. So the double whammy in your mind is always hold out the bigger vision, you can do this, you can.

Elton (21:01):

So let's say a daughter, you can do everything that your brother can do, let's say, but people will talk to you a different way than they do to your brother. That is just part of life. And do not let that bring you down.

Mel Robbins (21:19):

If somebody constantly beats themselves up, they're hard on themselves. Were you ever like that with yourself?

Elton (21:27):

Yeah, I was.

Mel Robbins (21:29):

What did you used to say to yourself?

Elton (21:31):

I'm not good enough. I need to try harder, even though this is the best I can do, I need to be better. I need to be more in shape. I need to, sure, yes, you do, but you don't need to do that all at once. Maybe you can focus on getting the ball farther now and get in shape later. Because if you do it all at once, you're not going to be able to get any of it done because you got so much. My brother is watching, this is a terrible comparison. My brother is watching six animes at once. He's not going to be able to finish a single one because he is watching six. So if you have six animes and you're watching all of them at once, you're not going to be able to finish them.

Mel Robbins (22:22):

True. What one's most important to you of the things that you're working on and that you want to change?

Elton (22:35):

Honestly, I have lied a lot in the past.

Mel Robbins (22:43):

Me too.

Elton (22:44):

Because I thought it made me cooler. It didn't. It didn't at all. So I am trying to tell people the truth more and stuff, and I am trying to correct what I've done wrong in the past.

Mel Robbins (22:59):

I think that is so brave and really inspiring. Thank you. 

Elton (23:23):

If you have an up and then you have it down, you know that you can do ups because if you've done it before, you can do it again. That's what I say to myself, elf. If I have thrown MacBook 60 yards and I keep practicing, I might get farther, but I will not go lower.

Mel Robbins (23:53):

Gotcha. So you can do it again.

Elton (23:56):

You can do it again.

Mel Robbins (23:57):

Got it. I love that. What have you learned recently that you wish everyone would know?

Elton (24:10):

Life isn't fair. I mean, because if life was fair, everybody would have the same birthday, everybody would be the same age, would die at the same time. Everything would be the same.

Mel Robbins (24:21):

That's right.

Elton (24:22):

And that isn't fun, is it? Because then if you walk up to a person and you say, what do you like? I mean, sure, they'll like all the same things at you, but you need differences to be friends because then you need to draw in something new.

Mel Robbins (24:38):

So how do you deal with those moments? Because it's right, life isn't fair and it's kind of a waste of your time or anybody's time to spend any energy getting upset about how unfair life is. So how do you deal with those moments though? When your brother gets something and you don't, or when someone else seems to have it easier and you struggle with dysgraphia or somebody has more money than you do, or they're better at baseball than you are, how do you deal with those things that are unfair?

Elton (25:12):

It's part of life, and you can't do, I mean, yes, you can practice baseball, but I can't unpracticed dys graph. So I have to kind of just deal with it and practice and practice and practice. And yes, that will be harder for me, and I have to try almost because that's part of my lifestyle. I try my hardest and sometimes I'm not good enough, and that is fine. And maybe if I keep trying, I will be better. And then if I keep trying and I'm not good enough, then that's just kind of like, oh, well, I can't do this. I cannot make a three point to save my life. That is just not me.

Mel Robbins (26:00):

Do you think if you kept practicing eventually you'd be able to do it?

Elton (26:03):

Yes. I've never wanted to be a three point shooter. People are like, oh, I want to be like Steph cur. Oh, I'm not aiming for the really high, I'm aiming for what's good enough. Because if people is going to go for the really high road, yes, you probably can do it. Yes, it will be a lot harder. But if that's a lot harder, you're more likely to give up. Because if you keep doing it and it's so hard, then you're just going to eventually decide to just give up.

Mel Robbins (26:41):

Yes. If I am listening and hearing you correctly, if what you want to do is be Steph Curry and you want to just drop the three pointers all day long and you want to spend 10,000 hours working on the three point shot, and you want to be the best in the world, if you never stop, eventually you will do it. You will do it. But for most of us, if we aim too high, we quit too soon.

Elton (27:05):

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (27:06):

And so your philosophy is to shoot for good enough. And you said, my lifestyle is to try. What does that mean?

Elton (27:17):

I try never to not try. I always try to try.

Mel Robbins (27:25):

Why is trying?

Elton (27:27):

Because some people are like, if they really don't want to do something they don't try. But even if I don't want to do something, I still try to do it and see, oh, I'm actually good at this. And then maybe if I'm good at it, I'll like it. But if I really suck at basketball, I wouldn't like it because I am terrible at

Mel Robbins (27:51):

It. Well, I think that's an interesting thing that most adults don't realize about video games, that a lot of kids and people play them. You Oakley because you're good at them and we naturally doing the things that we're good

Elton (28:05):

At, we're good at. Yeah. There's usually a job for almost everything. There's a job for video games, there is a job for coding, there's a job for this, there's a job for making these cups. There's a job for ironing. There is a job for almost everything. So if you're really good at something, I would try at least try if you want to do it, to pursue that. And if that doesn't work out, try to almost, if you're not the best at this thing, but you can do it, takes a thing that you're lesser good at and then keep doing that cycle. And finally you get to something that you're terrible at, keep trying and trying, and now you have the momentum to say, I can do this.

Mel Robbins (28:55):

You know what, Elton, you just described my career. I literally started my career as a lawyer. That's what I used to do. And then I changed because I didn't like that. And I went and I worked in the startup business, and then I didn't like that and I went and did something else, and then I didn't like that. I went and did something else and 19 job changes. Later I combined them all. And now I host this podcast. And funny thing about dyslexia, I don't write my books. I dictate them and then I edit on paper. I can't write or type out my thoughts. I have to speak them. 

Elton (30:22):

And I have a really good answer to that. I think so what didn't help me was talking to a teacher saying, are you sad? You don't want to admit that in front of the entire class because how does that feel? It doesn't feel good. So maybe you help 'em out and then you see 'em crack a smile. And if you keep doing that, then they're smiling again. But if that doesn't work, then you kind of take 'em out of class for a second. Then you say, not, are you sad? Is everything all right?

Mel Robbins (31:04):

Is everything all right?

Elton (31:06):

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (31:07):

You don't seem like yourself.

Elton (31:08):

Yeah, because if you know them as a very happy kid and they're just feeling really sad, something's wrong. So you don't say, are you sad? Because you know they're sad. You know this, and you ask, is everything all right? Because you know something isn't right? Yes

Elton (31:38):

Oh, totally. Just because you have kids and just because you need to take care of them all the time doesn't mean you can't have fun yourself. Because I see all these parents spending all their time with their kids and try maybe getting your kids because you've done so much for them, they got to do something for you, or you got to do something for yourself because otherwise you're just going to be there with your kids, not happy, and then that's going to make them not happy.

Mel Robbins (32:19):

So you need to have more fun.

Elton (32:20):

You got to have more fun as an adult. Because I know you may think that's a teenager or a kitty thing. No, it isn't. Having fun is part of life. Anything that you think is fun will help you.

Elton (32:40):

My mom's always trying to control me. My dad's always trying to control me because they try to set you up for a path of success. And yes, that is nice, but you should let them choose what their path of success is. You don't have to say, oh, you're going to play basketball. Oh, you're going to be a mathematician. They can choose what if they want to be a dentist that is not basketball, that is not math, that is dentist. Let them choose what they want to do and then you can help them.

Mel Robbins (33:14):

I agree. I believe the best form of success is being happy in your life.

Elton (33:20):

Exactly. Because who doesn't want to be happy? If you think about it, you don't want to be sad. Especially at my camp, they don't say, treat others how you want to be treated. Treat others how they want to be treated. If you love to be tickled,

Mel Robbins (33:41):

I don't like to be tickled.

Elton (33:42):

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (33:42):

Do you like to be tickled? No.

Elton (33:45):

If my mom loves to be tickled, she wouldn't tickle me because treat others how they want to be treated.

Mel Robbins (33:52):

I love that. That's true. Because we assume how we want to be treated is house

Elton (33:57):

Treated how they want to be treated. But at my camp, they say like, no, that's bogus.

Elton (34:07):

The pizza strategy.

Mel Robbins (34:08):

What is that?

Elton (34:09):

So if let's say I'm in a group chat and somebody starts talking about Ashley. So they're talking about Ashley. They're saying mean things about Ashley. So the pizza strategy is, it's like training a baby. If they're looking at something they shouldn't, you literally just go like, Hey, look at that light or look at that. But in this case, where are we going for pizza tomorrow? And then they start talking about pizza. They forget about Ashley, start talking about pizza.

Mel Robbins (34:43):

Got

Elton (34:44):

It. And you can do that with anything. So yeah.

Mel Robbins (34:47):

So the pizza strategy is a technique that you can use. If you've got a bunch of people that are gossiping or they're saying bad things about somebody or they're trashing somebody in a group chat, instead of jumping in

Elton (35:01):

And saying, no, that's not right, because nobody actually wants to do that. It just doesn't feel good because those are your friends. And if you say that, you kind of think that they're going to ditch you because you're being a goody two shoes or something.

Mel Robbins (35:20):

Right. And it's true. We all know that when people are gossiping about someone else, you should stand up for them.

Elton (35:27):

You should stand up for them.

Mel Robbins (35:28):

But a lot of us, and so the pizza

Elton (35:31):

Strategy strategy is basically doing it without actually doing it.

Mel Robbins (35:35):

So you changed topic,

Elton (35:38):

You change the topic,

Mel Robbins (35:40):

And then everybody just follows you because you say, Hey, what are we doing this weekend? Or you just don't even respond to the comment about Ashley.

Elton (35:48):

Exactly. You just distract them.

Elton (36:08):

Well, yes, and kind of at least this worked in kindergarten.

Mel Robbins (36:16):

Okay.

Elton (36:17):

So what you did in kindergarten is you walked up to a kid, you said, Hey, you want to be friends? They said, sure. And you kind of just built off from there. That is literally just what you did. But I think at camp, you're going to meet so many new people and you will meet someone through a clinic or meet someone through a team or a play. Because if that literally shows that you're interested in what I'm interested, can we be friends? That is what that is.

Mel Robbins (37:00):

So you going and doing things like signing up to be part of the play, all the kids that are part of the play are also interested in being in a play. Exactly, yes.

Elton (37:13):

Because why would they sign up for the play if they're not interested for the play?

Mel Robbins (37:17):

True. And so you've got that first step, which is you sign up for things you're interested in, and then the people that are there are also interested. So you got that, but how do you determine then next who you want to spend more time with and who you're kind, maybe not my kind of person.

Elton (37:33):

You talk to a bunch of people, you kind of just float around. You don't just stick with one person because then if that one apple that you've been saving even turns mad, then you got nowhere else to turn.

Mel Robbins (37:50):

Oh, so you don't want to put all

Elton (37:55):

Your money in this one bet.

Mel Robbins (37:57):

Got it.

Elton (37:58):

Once you know someone, then you can kind of take it a step further and be, put some more money on that bed,

Mel Robbins (38:08):

Put some more time in there,

Elton (38:10):

And then you start hanging on with another one. But you bring your buddy with you, so then you have a bigger group of friends. And if you keep repeating that, then you're going to have a lot of friends.

Mel Robbins (38:21):

You're a genius. Has anyone ever told you that? Sawyer, my daughter. Sawyer, 

Elton (38:37):

Life. So what my dad has told me at least is I didn't find my passion until I was like 40. It is out there.

Mel Robbins (38:51):

What do you mean by it's out there? I think you're right,

Elton (38:53):

Because

Mel Robbins (38:54):

Do you believe everybody has something

Elton (38:56):

That they can do? Everybody has something. Bees pollinate plants and lions eat stuff, and that helps animals from overpopulating. Everything has their part.

Mel Robbins (39:13):

Yes.

Elton (39:14):

And that is how just life works.

Mel Robbins (39:16):

And so what is one thing that you would want them to start doing? If I take your philosophies, right? Yep. Talked, you've shared so many cool things with us, Elton, if I take some of your philosophies and I especially love the good enough and the trying, what would you recommend somebody do today to take one step forward toward figuring out what that thing that's their thing could be?

Elton (39:46):

Listen to Mel Robinson. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But go outside and meet some new people because those people could be your people. They could introduce you to something that you love. They could introduce you to your future job, your future wife, your future husband. It be, it could be like anything basically.

Mel Robbins (40:13):

So basically get out of your comfort zone.

Elton (40:16):

Go out of your comfort zone to do something.

Mel Robbins (40:18):

Shift the energy. What kind of world do you hope to help create Elton?

Elton (40:23):

I hope to create a kinder world because that you can't just be kind. You have to actually feel kind. I remember in Maine, I helped a grandma over a little puddle by building a bridge of sand that made me feel kind. If you just let the grandma step in the puddle, what? You don't gain anything from that. Grandma now just has wet socks and nobody likes wet socks. So imagine you're that grandma too. Would you want someone to be right there? Could have helped you but didn't. Exactly.

Mel Robbins (41:13):

It's powerful.

Elton (41:14):

Yeah. Kindness is so

Mel Robbins (41:16):

Powerful. Is there anything else you want to share as your parting words?

Elton (41:26):

Be kind. And don't let anyone stop you. That's it. All you out there, have a great day, have a great month, have a great year. And we love you.

Mel Robbins (41:41):

That's right. In case no one else tells you, but somebody just did. And his name is Elton. I wanted to tell you that I love you and we believe in you, and we believe in your ability to create a better life.

Elton (41:52):

We do

Mel Robbins (41:53):

Now. Go do it. We'll talk to you in a few days. Yep. Well done. Elton. One more thing. I know you're thinking, oh my God, Mel, I want to watch more. Do me a favor first, hit subscribe because that tells me you love this kind of content. And it also supports me in being able to bring you all of this inspiration and these research back strategies every single day. So just hit subscribe. Please, please, please. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And also, I know you probably want some more inspiration, something beautiful to watch. So check out this video next. I picked it for you. I know you're going to enjoy it.