How to Let Go: 2 Simple Ways to Find Clarity & Move On

(23:13):

You need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let 'em go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy like your job or your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining because that's negative energy pouring out and you directed that same effort towards something positive like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good?

 

(24:17):

I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like. Instead of realizing I needed to complete this, I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago, not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously. Donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem.

 

(25:22):

Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistant, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive, and that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter who's now 23. And we had moved to Boston from New York City where I had been a public defender and I love that job working for legal aid.

 

(26:18):

And so we moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay. So I get a job in this huge law firm, and working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from eight o'clock in the morning till five o'clock in the afternoon. That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and that going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day.

 

(26:58):

It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it. And for a year I would get on the commuter rail and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail and I would clump, clump, clump, clump over to the building. And then I would get in the elevator and then I would take the elevator up to whatever the 23rd floor, and then I'd clump, clump, clump, clump. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train, clunk, clunk, clunk down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt I got nothing in return from that job. Yes, I got a paycheck and I needed it.

 

(27:51):

So it served a purpose, but I was getting nothing of value back because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that, that's how I felt. Instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and ugh into looking for something else, I sat there miserable and I felt depleted and I felt awful. And I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice. Then you know what happened to me? I got pregnant and I had a baby and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when with distance from it, I was like, okay, there is no way I'm going back there no way.

 

(28:44):

Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had exes like that where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, what the hell was I thinking? Now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck, I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, but I knew the money, but I can't do this. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck. Stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant, I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I have been let go. But now I got to go back.

 

(29:26):

And so my husband, Chris says to me, look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby. And you'll go crazy being home. And so here's the thing, you need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have 12 weeks to find a job and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job. It wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55, but that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go, what do you say? I guess I quit. But they didn't let me go.

 

(30:15):

I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows, your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry, there is nothing that you're getting in return, nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy.

 

(31:17):

That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day convincing yourself, you can't leave, you can't find some la da. It's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants or the project period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. 

(32:31):

Life can get really complicated. And so when we come back, that's what we're going to dig into next. Hey, welcome back. I want to recap everything that we've covered because here on the Mel Robbins podcast, there is no one left behind. So let's talk about what we've already covered. Okay? Number one, we've talked about the fact that in order to be a happier person and create the life that you deserve, you have to learn how to let go of the things that no longer serve you. Number two, you have learned that letting go is a natural and important part of your lifecycle. Whether you need to let go of friendships or a job or a place that you live or habits or the friend group that you hang out with letting go allows you to create room for new growth, new seasons, new chapters, new adventures.

 

(33:32):

And it's only through that growth and those new things that you're allowing yourself to experience, that you will come into your full potential and you will unlock the magic in your life. So letting go is not a bad thing. It's a really good thing. It's a great skill. In fact, I notice in the dms a lot of you go, 

(34:41):

Letting go is a beginning. Letting go is about possibility. Letting go is about the magic that's ahead. It's about the future. And so letting go is so important and I want you to embrace it. The third thing that we talked about is that you have natural intelligence inside of you. And that may sound all woo woo. This is science, and we're going to unpack this all the time because I'm going to keep coming back to the fact that you have instincts. You have hard wiring. Your gut is trying to tell you something. And one of the fastest ways to read that natural intelligence is to pay attention to your energy. You have felt what I'm talking about when things are off, when you feel depleted, you know when you naturally click with somebody, that is data that matters because it's data that helps you make the changes, the small changes that improve your life.

 

(35:35):

The fourth thing that you've clearly learned is that the best things in life are reciprocal. Even volunteering. Volunteering is a reciprocal act. You want to know why? When you volunteer and you volunteer your time, you volunteer your energy, you donate money, you always receive something in return. Don't you feel this sense of meaning? You feel connected to something larger and more important than your day-to-day struggles? That is a reciprocal energy exchange. You donate money, you volunteer your time and effort and resources. You get something invaluable back. That's reciprocal. That's why it adds meeting the best friendships reciprocal. You pour in, they pour back. Same thing with your romantic relationships. And all you need to do is to think about that one person you chased, right? That you're constantly going after. Should I text now all the energy going at them? And yeah, maybe you got an orgasm back, but then mostly you got negativity because you're constantly insecure, constantly worried, no idea where you stood, always stressed out about it, thinking about it, distracted by it.

 

(36:47):

That is not a reciprocal relationship. That is an obsession that's unhealthy for you. So there are things in life that are really hard that take a lot of energy. Things that I hate doing, things like exercise. I hate exercising, I hate getting out of bed. But once I push through that resistance, right? You learned all about this in the episode called motivation is garbage. Once you get the activation energy and you do the thing, what happens after you exercise? You get a reciprocal return of positive energy. You feel great about yourself. The same thing's true about my husband who doesn't drink right now. It takes a lot of effort, at least it did in the beginning, and it was really hard because he had been drinking for a long time. But even though it's hard, it's so worth it. Why? Because there is this reciprocal return.

 

(37:42):

You start to feel so good about yourself, you sleep better at night. You have clarity. You have pride. You're aligned with your values. And that values word is really important because when it becomes even more nuanced, your values is how you're going to create a return of energy in really hard situations. So I can give you two examples. Any one of you who is caring for an aging parent knows how difficult that is. Any one of you that has a child or a partner who is struggling with mental health issues knows how difficult that is, you also know that you are pouring your energy into caring for this person. And it can be very depleting because the person that is sick or the person that's struggling doesn't often give back what you're pouring in. It also may be physically demanding because you're working all the time, plus you're doing this at night, and so you are tired.

 

(38:45):

It's a fact. So how in those situations do you create this exchange of energy? The secret is values tap into your values in order to create positive energy back and to help you rise above the day-to-day stresses that are temporary. Because the truth is, if you tap into your values, it makes you feel like an amazing human being. Knowing that you are there for your mom, it makes you feel like a good person knowing that you are a compassionate caregiver that is helping your child or your partner through a really difficult chapter. When you start to feel depleted, remind yourself, lift your gaze, raise your gaze and look out to the future and feel proud of yourself for acting in alignment with the kind of person you know yourself to be, even though it's hard. That's how you create a positive energy return for yourself in those situations where somebody either doesn't have it to give back or the situation itself is really physically demanding.

 

(40:08):

I'll give you another example. I have a friend that is going through a hard time and has been for a long time, and I continue to pour into this friendship even though I don't get a lot back, why? The reason why is I get a lot back knowing that if I were in this situation, I would want a friend of mine to stay around and pour into me. And that is what drives me. That creates that energy exchange. And so you have within you the ability to do things that feel hard, like exercising or stopping drinking or staying sober or changing your habits or making cold calls. You can do those things that feel difficult and trust me, you're going to feel proud of yourself, which is why they return on the investment of effort. And you can do things that are draining. And I promise you, they will come back to you with energy because it makes you feel good about yourself.

 

(41:11):

And I bet you can think of four or five things that you're doing right now that are hard, that you're not even giving yourself credit for. You should be proud of yourself. You're a good person. You keep showing up, and that is something you need to celebrate. That's something that you need to feel energized about. And in those times when it gets really hard, remind yourself, this too shall pass, that what goes up also comes down. Just like when you're hiking a trail on a mountain, that this is a season of your life and holding on, holding on to what doesn't serve you is going to drain you. It's going to kill off your happiness. But finding ways to bring energy back in those situations that are aligned with your values and what you want, that's a power move. Now to close, there are two rules that I want you to start practicing right now because these are the two big energy drainers and you can start today.

(43:06):

And so instead of bitching about the job, get busy tomorrow morning and start looking for a new one. Instead of complaining that you don't have any friends. Spend some time putting yourself in activities where you're going to meet new people. This is so important. Anywhere in your life where you are complaining, you are your own energy drain because you are pouring negative energy at something instead of redirecting that same effort and attitude and just ugh into something positive. So that's rule number one. No complaining, I dare you. Try to go 24 hours and not complain about anything today. It's next to impossible. I would love to hear from you if you take this challenge on seriously, I would just tag me on social media. Tell me how the 24 hour rule is going of no complaining Rule number two, trying to control other people it.

 

(43:59):

I was at an event in Las Vegas with my friend, not Las Vegas. I was an event in Los Angeles with my friend Kathy Heller, and we took a bunch of questions from the audience. And this particular question from one woman, I can't stop thinking about how do you stop controlling your friends? You stop. That's how you do it. When you catch yourself trying to control someone and then you let go of the desire to change them, and you redirect all of that angst and energy toward caring, listening, supporting, creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up exactly as they are, you get connection back. Your attempt to control somebody blocks connection. It blocks the exchange between people. And here's one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships, maybe sometimes the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go.

 

(45:06):

Let's go back to the top of Haystack Mountain in southern Vermont because our friend Mel Robbins, she has huff and she has puffed and step-by-step, she has made it to the top of Haystack Mountain. And there's something interesting about that. It's an example of how putting in the effort, throwing in the energy and doing things that may be hard, they may be a struggle. They may make you pant and turn bright red on the face. They may make you feel like maybe you can't do this. That's good. That is so good because when you push yourself to do something out of your comfort zone that is positive, and what do you get back? You get back all kinds of positive energy in return, you feel pride, you feel happy, you grow a little bit, you get a great view. And speaking of you, Mel has something that she wants to say to you to wrap this up, the other amazing thing about hiking and being out here in the woods and climbing on top of a mountain is that once you actually get to the top, your whole brain distorts how painful it was to cross the bridge, hike the trail, and go step by step to get where you wanted to go.

 

(46:26):

But it just goes to show you with just a little bit of consistent effort and an optimistic attitude, inch by inch, step by step, you can make anything happen, especially if you make room for new things to come into your life. I can't wait to hear what you've been inspired to let go of in this season. I would love to hear what tools made the most difference from you. If there's somebody in your life that is gripping hard or holding onto things that no longer serve them, please share this episode because together you've not only made this one of the number one ranking podcasts in the entire world before we even launched, but you're also helping us impact and change people's lives around the world. Every time you share these episodes or you bring these tools into your life and you use them to make your own experience a little happier, a little more fulfilling, and that has a ripple effect on the people that matter most around you. Alright, I love you. I believe in you. And oh, our dog's barking at somebody yellow. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.