How to Handle Negative People: 6 Strategies to Protect Your Peace

Mel Robbins (18:36):

Well, one thing I want to acknowledge really quickly is that you do have the power to change this because positive energy is also very contagious. And if you protect your energy, you can take proactive steps to call people out on their behavior. And so that's what we're going to talk about now. And I want to bring a study into this because there was a new study by the Workforce Institute at UKG that found that 69% of people say that their managers have the greatest impact on their mental health, that their managers had the same level of impact on their mental health as their partner or spouse at home. Now, this was more than the impact that their doctor or therapist had on their mental health. And this was a huge study. They looked at 3,400 people across 10 countries. And so you are right, negative people at work, particularly a manager, really bad for your mental health because you can't fix them.

 

(19:44):

And for me, there are two types of jerks out there, and we've already started to kind of unpack this, but I really want to highlight this for you. There are the jerks that are just entitled, I believe the woman at the hotel front desk was that she just thinks she's better than everybody else. And they treat people like crap because they've always treated people like crap. People like this. They're rude to waiters, they're short with other people, they're full of themselves. They have a tone to their voice, they're super pompous. We hate these kinds of people, the kind of people that are rude for no reason other than because this is how they are and this is how they treat people. And I hate people like this. And you know what else? I can't stand? I can't stand the fact that they tend to bully us.

 

(20:27):

And we just give in and it just perpetuates this. People get a better room because they're mean to the person at the front desk. The world should not work like this, but it drains our energy. That's why we give in. And so there's that type of jerk. And then there's the second type, which is more like the person in that coffee shop that I was explaining where they're just under pressure and they can't tolerate the discomfort that they feel. I call these kind of people emotionally immature. I use the word immature because they throw tantrums. They're like a child who is so frustrated, so they throw themselves on the floor and they're immature because they do not have a mature or responsible way of tolerating emotional stress. And so in these situations at work, you have a couple choices. Number one, we've already talked about the snow globe.

 

(21:29):

This one works like a charm because it gives you objectivity, allows you to visualize the tantrum, and it makes you feel a little bit better than the person, honestly. And so that's one thing. A second thing that you can do is you are allowed to call people out on this behavior In the first question that we got, you heard the example of somebody getting a really rude email. There's nothing wrong with picking up the phone or walking down the hall and saying, Hey, is something going on with you? Because I don't know if you know how the tone of this email comes across, but it doesn't feel good. And most people, when you call them out on that and you kind of start off with, Hey, is something going on with you because this isn't like you and the tone is really demeaning, and is there something you want to tell me?

 

(22:24):

Or are you unaware that this is how you're speaking to people? That is the way that you can call somebody out. And obviously if you have somebody that is engaging in this consistently, document it. Go to HR because you shouldn't be under a barrage of that kind of abusive language or demeaning language or that sort of really unnecessary pressure. That's not why you're in your job. And so you can go to hr, but you can walk down the hall, you can pick up the phone, and you can say, I'm more than happy to help you with these things, but only if you speak to me in a respectful manner. And this is not respectful, and I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but don't take it out on me. My son actually used to say that to me, and so did my kids. They would literally go, I don't know what's going on at work, but don't take it out on me.

 

(23:16):

I don't work with you. And so call the person out, and if you're not comfortable, start documenting it and then go to HR and try to get some help with it. Final thing I want you to know, if you've just got somebody who's grumpy or kind of standoffish or you work in a place like an investment bank or a law firm or someplace that's crazy competitive, you know how you flip this? I love this strategy. I'm going to tell you a story. You shower curmudgeons with compliments. That's what you do. And I have firsthand experience with this. And boy does it work like a charm. It is just awesome. And the reason why this works is there's something in the world that is called the law of reciprocity. The law of reciprocity is very simple. If you do something nice for me, I feel like I should do something nice for you.

 

(24:18):

And this works with curmudgeons. I swear to goodness it does. If you ever walked into a mall and somebody opens that first set of doors for you, what do you do with the second set? You don't even think about it. You basically trip over your own feet to try to get to that door so you can hold it open for them. You do nice for me, I'll do nice for you. And this works with Curmudgeons at work. And I'm going to tell you a story. So a number of years ago, I had the honor of being recruited by CNN to become an on air legal analyst. What does that mean? That means that when Anderson Cooper is hosting his show and he goes, alright, well, let's go to some commentary. And then there's a person sitting basically in a closet in the box on the screen. That was me. I was not a reporter. I was a paid legal commentator that was giving analysis on all the big cases. And it was a fascinating job, but I noticed something.

(25:54):

Oh, well, sort of like this one-upping thing as you're talking about how busy you're going to be today and what shows have called you. And it was this weird thing, so I didn't like that. So this is what I decided to do. I decided that I was just going to proactively reach out and compliment my fellow legal analysts. So Paul Callan is one of 'em. I call him the professor. He's one of my favorite human beings in the world. So here's how I would do it. We'd be walking off set and I'd be like, Paul, that was genius what you just said, even, and Paul's not a curmudgeon, but even he like, oh, thank you. And when I would research a particular case that was breaking, you know what I did? I would forward the cases and the interesting articles I was finding to the other four paid commenters because there were only five of us on all of CNN that were on the payroll to do this, and we all had other jobs.

 

(26:54):

This is like something we were all doing on the side. And so I started emailing them, and then when I would see them on television, I'd be sitting home with my kids and one of 'em would be on because I wasn't called in to do it. I would tweet at them and tag them. There's my friend Paul killing it. Great analysis. Can I tell you? It took less than five days to melt the ice and the five of us became such incredible friends. Joey Jackson, I miss you so much. Danny, I miss you. Paul Callan, I miss you. We had a blast. We always had each other's backs. We became great friends. So much so that two years later, a woman reached out to me from CNN, and she was responsible for building out the program for analysts, and she wanted to meet with me because she said everybody inside of CNN talked about the comradery and the vibe between the five of us who didn't even live in the same city, and she wanted to know how we did it.

 

(27:59):

I said, we just started cheering for one another. If you can stomach complimenting somebody on their work or on their nails or don't be creepy about it, but if you can find something, hey, you did a really good job with that client. Even a curmudgeon takes notice. And over time, you know what they do. The law of reciprocity kicks back in and they start complimenting you back. You see, at the end of the day, whether people grew up with parents who were jerks, and so they model behavior of being jerks and being pompous and better than other people, or they're just emotionally immature and they can't tolerate their own emotions, and that's why they throw tantrums. At the end of the day, everybody wants the same thing. We just want to know that we matter. We want to know that we're doing a good job.

 

(28:59):

We want to know that somebody appreciates that we're there. We want somebody to understand that we're doing our best and we're stressed out and we're trying to get the coffee out as fast as we can. We want somebody to have a little bit of compassion for the fact that I'm 24 and I'm wearing a big blazer and I am not responsible, but I'm going to do my best to try to help you, and I'd want to help you even more if you weren't such an asshole to me right now. That's what we want. We want a little bit of respect, a little bit of kindness. And when you start to dial that up and you give it out with radical generosity, it comes back to you in incredible ways. And so that's what you can do. You can certainly call it out. And when you call it out, not in an antagonizing way, but hey, what's going on with you?

 

(29:46):

Because you're not normally like this and I'm happy to help you, but not when you're rude to me or go to hr. When you visualize somebody throwing a tantrum in a snow globe, it doesn't get on you. And then when you start dialing up your own positivity, which you are going to be better equipped to do, if you're using these tools, you can use the law of reciprocity to slowly melt that curmudgeon into a real softie. I swear to God, I've done it my whole life and you can do it too. Now, I want to go to that juicy amazing question that we got from Celeste.

 

Celeste (30:26):

Hi, Mel. I have a question about gossiping about other people. I feel like it's so ingrained into our lives, why? To be honest, I talk about other people all the time, and sometimes it's not good things. I'm just looking for some tips on how to stop the habit of gossiping and to call myself out when it's truly none of my business. Anyways, love your podcast and you. Thanks, Celeste.

 

Mel Robbins (30:52):

Oh, Celeste, I love you too. Great question. So I don't know who came up with that saying, but I love this saying that small minds talk about people and big minds talk about ideas. And gossiping is all around us. In fact, looked at the industry and the way that news and that celebrity talk has morphed and reality shows. It's a huge industry that is dominated by gossip, and gossip is also at work. There was a study from Georgia Tech that I found really interesting that if you work in a big company, the average emailer sends about 112 emailers every day in a corporate job. But one out of every seven of those messages is categorized as gossip. You're not sending something that's work related. You're writing an email to somebody else bitching about somebody else at work. So there's science here for why gossiping is bad for you when you gossip and engage in it, which means you're listening to it, you're dishing it out, you're indulging in it, your adrenaline and cortisol, that stress hormone, it spikes and it also increases when you retell painful stories of being hurt or wronged by somebody who was gossiping about you. You literally put yourself in this fight or flight state and you said, I'm proud of you for admitting that you gossip all the time. And when you gossip all the time, research shows that because your body's in this on edge state,

(34:41):

That is like dropping a bomb in the middle of a conversation. If people are gossiping, you can literally just say, I make it a rule not to talk about people who aren't present. Or you could say, aren't there other things we could talk about other than so-and-so's life or marriage that stops people in their tracks? And somebody might go, oh, you, there's somebody throwing a tantrum. They're in their snow globe. They got called out. That is a way that you can 1000% catch yourself from gossiping. And here's the other thing. You got feet walk away just because other people are talking about it. You can say, I don't like to talk about people who aren't present and turn and walk away. Here's the other thing you need to understand about gossiping. If they're doing it with you, they'll do it about you when you're not there, because people gossip as a way to bond with other people.

(36:40):

And I don't know if you realize just how powerful you are that your energy, your love, your enthusiasm, being radically generous with it, it can change absolutely anybody's day. And when you change somebody's day in a positive way, that great day can become a great week. And that great week can roll into an amazing month, and that amazing month can turn into an incredible year. You just have no idea what somebody's dealing with. My friend Ed Millette, who is amazing, you should follow him. He's one of my favorite people on the planet. He told me this story about how there is a person out in the world who was there when his father was struggling with alcoholism, and this stranger got his dad help. And Ed said, if it weren't for that stranger, ed wouldn't be here. And that one act of kindness from one person can change somebody's entire life.

 

(37:57):

And you have that power. And so I want you to think as you head into your day about the image of blowing bubbles when a kid is blowing bubbles and the bubbles catch the sunlight and they float around and they fly away, it feels so good, doesn't it? It makes you smile. And you can stand there on a beautiful sunny day and blow bubbles, and they drift off into space and who knows how far they go. Your energy is just like that, and you can spread good energy and you should. How do you do? Be generous with the, I love you. Be super generous telling people 

(39:49):

I always, always, always give our son, Oakley the biggest hug, and I hold it extra tight, and I tell him I'm so happy to see him because every time you do this, you smile, you wave, you high five somebody, you give 'em a hug, you tell 'em that you love 'em. You text somebody out of the blue. You are a force for good. If you're staying in a hotel like I'm going to be tonight, leave a note for the person that's cleaning your room, a thank you, a smiley face. Tell 'em you appreciate 'em. We all need to hear it. And when you become radically generous with your positive energy, with your compliments, with your enthusiasm, with your love, it spreads unbelievable waves of joy and positivity, lifting people up in ways that you'll never know. So can we agree? We got our force fields up when it comes to the negativity, but we got our positivity generously flowing around the world.

 

(40:52):

And speaking of which, I appreciate you spending your time with me. I know your time is the most valuable thing that you have, and I don't even know how to explain how much it means to me to know that every single Monday and every Thursday that you and I are doing life together, that we're talking about it, that we're unpacking it, that we're laughing at it, that we're crying together, that we're figuring it out. And I just wanted to say in case nobody else tells you that, I love you and I appreciate you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Now, go some bubbles. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician for professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.