Episode: 72
Giving Up Is Not an Option: The Motivation You Need to Hear Right Now
a Solo Episode
Discover 3 ways you block dreams and how jealousy reveals what you truly want.
Mel shows you the three ways you shut down your dreams, why jealousy is actually a good thing and the one question to ask in the morning that will impact the entire rest of your day.
Whether you’re graduating from college or graduating from a chapter in your life, you need this message today.
Your dreams matter, and what happens next is in your hands.
Listen on:
Failure is never the end of a hero's story, and it shouldn't be the end of your story either.
Mel Robbins
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
You have to be the hero in your own life. There must be some mission, some purpose, some dream that you have that is greater than the day-to-day things that are going to weigh you down. And there will be times that you want to give up. Those moments are what define your life. Last year I met a woman who was about to give up on her dream, and luckily she met me and I gave her the coaching session of a lifetime and reminding her that failure is not an option. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely heroic episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. It is my favorite time of year. I am such a good mood. What time of year am I talking about graduation season? I love graduation season. First of all, do you remember your graduation? You got the robe bond, you got the cap on.
(00:57):
Maybe you're smart enough to get those braid things that people get that are really smart. Everyone's celebrating you. Your family comes into town, you finally finished your final exams, you're done, and you've got this casserole of human emotions. You got the sadness, you've got the excitement, and your whole month is all about the last time you're going to get together, the last time you're with your class, the last time you're doing this. And then that of course leads to a whole new season of firsts. Oh, it's the first time you're going to do this thing and the first time that you're going to do that thing. It's such a cool moment and beyond your graduation. I don't know about you, but I love graduation ceremonies. Give me a commencement ceremony, and I am a happy camper. Why? Well, you can't sit at a commencement ceremony and not feel inspired. First of all, can we talk about the music? Oh, give me some pomp and circumstance people, and I feel like I'm going places. I suddenly feel as if I have royal blood in my veins, right? It's so regal.
(02:07):
I feel like I need to do something important. I mean, even that song and a robe, you could be wearing a tank top and running shorts underneath and you feel like you've just earned a doctorate. And so the music, it just sets the scene. And my personal favorite part of a graduation ceremony, I bet you can guess it. That's right. The speakers, whether the speakers are just a recent graduate or it's the valedictorian or the student that the fellow students elected to speak, or it's somebody famous and successful. You cannot hear a graduation speech and not think about your own life. I can't ever remember attending a graduation and not wanting to sprint out of there and go change everything about my life. And just last weekend, I heard one of the best graduation speeches I think I've ever heard, and the speaker was Kevin Feige.
(03:02):
He is the chairman, the president, the guy that runs Marvel Studios. So for our Avenger fans out there, black Panther, iron Man, Kevin Feige, he is so fricking cool. And you want to know something even cooler? His entire commencement address for USC, it was superhero themed. How fricking cool is that? Not some generic. Here are five takeaways about resilience kind of bullshit. No, this was personal. It was hilarious. It was poignant. And there were lessons that he shared that I feel personally more applicable to my life than even the graduates sitting there. And so I want to share a few of those lessons with you. Okay?
Mel Robbins (03:44):
So first of all, I love this. Failure is never the end of a hero's story, and it shouldn't be the end of your story either. Second thing that he shared with us in life, always lead with a yes. That's what a hero does, because the world is always going to say, no, your friends are going to be critical. Your boss is going to have their own agenda. The world says no. You know what a hero says? A hero says yes. A hero says, I can find a way. A hero says, yes, it's worth the risk. In fact, how many times in a superhero movie is there that scene where they're going over and calculating the odds of a mission and the odds of the mission being successful are one in a trillion? What does a hero say? We got to try. I'm going to take those odds because a hero leads with yes. And that's what makes you a hero. Forget the superpowers. Forget the weapons that you may have. What makes you a hero in your life is your ability to say yes, to pick yourself back up, to go for it, even when the odds are against you.
(04:57):
That's what is going to make you a hero. And listening to him, just last week, I was reminded of a simple truth. You have to be the hero in your own life. There must be some mission, some purpose, some dream that you have that is greater than the day-to-day things that are going to weigh you down. And you've got to be your own hero when it comes to fighting for that thing that you care about. And there will be times that you want to give up. And those moments when you want to give up those moments where you think you're about to fail, those moments are what define your life. I'll never forget that line that Kevin Feige said, failure is never the end of a hero's story. Oftentimes it's the beginning of one. And that brings me to the episode today. Last year I met a woman who was about to give up on her dream.
(05:54):
See, she had always dreamt of being a touring standup. And in her wildest dreams, like this is the big one, when she allows herself to be the hero of her own life, she's got a series on Netflix that is what she's been fighting for. And she had been working hard on this dream for 20 years, and she was about to give up. Throw in the towel, I'm done. But what did we learn? That failure is not an option when it comes to your dreams. And luckily for Barbara, she met me right as she was about to give up, and I gave her the coaching session of a lifetime. And what you're about to hear is me picking a woman back up and reminding her that failure is not an option when you are in the fight of your life to make your dreams come true. You got to do whatever it takes.
Barbara (06:47):
So I moved back home two years ago.
Mel Robbins (06:54):
Where was that?
Barbara (06:55):
South Florida. The same place where,
Mel Robbins (06:57):
Okay.
Barbara (06:59):
And I felt so safe and comfortable for the first time in my whole adult life.
Mel Robbins (07:03):
You do?
Barbara (07:03):
Yeah. Well, no, I've been an actor since I'm 18 years old and it's been effing hard. So I started coaching people because I was like, I'm talking about Robins right now. I love that part too. And I started a podcast. I mean, I started directing and editing documentaries and I love it.
Mel Robbins (07:32):
What's wrong?
Barbara (07:38):
I still want to act. And yeah, I'm 46 years old, so I feel like I, it is okay to be comfortable and small.
Mel Robbins (07:55):
Hold
Barbara (07:55):
On.
Mel Robbins (07:57):
It's okay to be comfortable if that's what you want.
Barbara (08:01):
Yeah.
Mel Robbins (08:03):
It's not okay to be small. That's not what you're, alright. I'm going to say that to you. It's okay to be comfortable. It's not okay to be small. Being too small in life, telling yourself that you should be small, that ah, it's okay. That's the number one issue. Shrinking yourself. You see, I for the last couple of years, every single January, I have taught a course about the science of dreaming and not just dreaming, but dreaming big and dreaming big as a way to create a whole new chapter in your life, a way to tap into your potential. And more than 200,000 people around the world have taken this science of dreaming course with me. And here's the number one thing that I noticed after teaching this course over and over and over again to people around the world.
Mel Robbins (09:13):
It's that telling yourself that you're small, putting a lid on your own dreams, on your own potential, convincing yourself that is okay. That's the biggest problem. If you're somebody who doesn't know what you want, I guarantee you it's because you do things that make you feel small. And then you tell yourself, that's okay. And here's the thing that I'm really worried about. I'm worried about the fact that if you continue to do this, if you continue to tell yourself, I don't know what I want, I can never have it. I'm 46. I tried. It's hard. It's not going to work out for me. If you are the one that is against your big dreams in life, that is the reason why you're unhappy, that you are the single biggest, loudest voice for why you can't have what you deserve. That is the source of misery, that is the source of feeling lost. And so we got to stop that right now because the fact is, I don't care how long you've worked on your dreams, how long you've avoided your dreams, how long you've been scared of your dreams, how long you've downplayed your dreams, those dreams are still very much alive inside of you.
(10:38):
You're not supposed to be small. You're not supposed to be arguing against your dreams. Let other people do that. You're the one who's supposed to have the biggest and the loudest and the brightest voice when it comes to the matter of your dreams. It reminds me of this quote that I just love. Let your light shine so bright that other people can find their way out of darkness. If you're not supposed to be small, what are you supposed to be? You are supposed to be this big beautiful flame, that flame that is burning so bright inside of you as you're marching toward the things that really call to you. That's your self-expression, that's your happiness, that's your creativity. That is a human being that is alive. And for those of you that look at me and that you're like, oh my God, Mel, you're just so inspiring. You keep reinventing yourself
Mel Robbins (11:33):
Every time I reinvent myself, do you know how I do it? It's because I start to realize I'm feeling small. I start to realize that I'm feeling a little lost, that I'm feeling the energy drain, that I'm not feeling like a flame burning bright, that I'm full of excuses. And I do this exercise that I'm going to share with you right now to get me back in touch with that dream that you can never run away from because what are you learning from me? Your dreams are meant for you and they are either going to be something that you pursue that helps you become brighter and more and more of yourself or there something that's going to haunt you. I can give you example after example, after example of this. I'll give you an example in my own life. In 2007, so we're talking 15 years ago, I got a part-time job on Saturday mornings hosting a local call-in radio show in Boston, Massachusetts. I absolutely loved that radio show, loved it. And from the moment I hosted the first call-in show, I knew this is exactly what I want to do in life.
Mel Robbins (12:49):
And the truth is, I even knew it before. And the reason why I knew it before is because I had been a humongous fan of Howard Stern. I mean, I listened to Howard Stern way back in the day when he was like shock jock material before he went through psychotherapy and became really amazing at interviewing people. Like back in the really disgusting days, I was a Howard Stern junkie, and there was something about the energy of listening to Howard and everybody on the show that I just felt drawn to it. I could not stop thinking what an amazing thing it would be to be able to do that with your life. And so here I get years later to be on the mic.
(13:31):
I'm hosting this show. I absolutely love this show. That show ends up growing into a weekday show. I end up winning an award. Next thing you know, CNN is calling. And I find myself then in 2011 leaving radio and going onto television as a legal analyst for CNN. But here's the thing, radio never left me. Every time Howard Stern would pop up on my dial, I would feel the pull as podcasting started to happen and become a thing in 2011, 2012, and I started seeing more and more podcasts pop up, I started to feel the pull. What is that pull? It feels like jealousy.
Mel Robbins (14:14):
It feels like longing. It feels like desire. It feels like sometimes it can feel like inferiority, that you get close to your dream and you want it so badly that you literally put up all kinds of reasons to protect yourself from your dream. So maybe it's the people you're really insecure around. That's my daughter. She is a dream of being a singer songwriter of doing stadium tours. Just the other day I saw that Taylor Swift had just done something that nobody's ever done. She's got all 10 songs on the billboard, 100 top 10 fricking unbelievable. And I texted it to my daughter. And you know what? She texted back, please don't send this stuff to me because I'll never be able to do that. You know what that is? That's somebody who is deeply in touch with their dreams, but they're terrified of them. And so we're going to talk about that. But what I want to explain to you is there is something inside of you and you know it. There is something meant for you and you are either so afraid of it that you push it away or you long for it like I did since 2011.
(15:34):
If you watch my TEDx talk, which now has 29 million views, you'll notice that in that TEDx talk, I talk about my goal back in 2011 on that stage, I said, my goal is to be the number one radio host in the world. So here we are 11 years later and we're launching the podcast, and it's taken me 11 years to get closer than ever to the thing for these past 11 years, have I stopped thinking about the dream? Nope. Have I noticed other people that are pursuing my dream? Yep. Have I felt jealous? Have I felt insecure? Yes, I have all of those just like you do. That is evidence that your dream is alive. And what I'm here to tell you is today is the day we're going to stop arguing against your dream and we're going to turn toward it and we're going to start fanning it.
(16:31):
So I promised you an exercise because step one is you have to get honest with yourself and claim what you want. That's step one. And so I'm going to tell you that, and I want you to think about your dream. I want you to think about what's calling you.
Mel Robbins (16:53):
I want you to think about the thing that would be so magical if you could make it happen, but you've been arguing against yourself. And I want you to allow yourself to claim it. And as you sit there and think about the dream in your own life, let's go back to Los Angeles. Let's go back to that stage. Let's check in with Barbara because I'm going to ask her to start getting honest. What I want you to pay attention to is I want you to pay attention to how much she starts to joke and make excuses and dismiss how serious I am about dreams. Maybe you needed to move to South Florida to actually feel and understand in your soul who you are and what you want. It's a scary thing to admit what you want because it's true. It might not happen,
Barbara (18:00):
Right? Yeah. And it's not. I've come so close to it happening so many times and it hurts so much. It's all so scary. The department is like, no, don't do that.
Mel Robbins (18:11):
But why is it scary?
Barbara (18:14):
Because I don't want to go into debt and I want to be at least somewhere. So I thought, well, I have this,
Mel Robbins (18:23):
But here's what I want you to understand. You have not gotten honest with yourself about what you actually want. You are putting all the energy into, but I don't want to go into debt, but I don't want to do this, but I don't want to do that.
Barbara (18:39):
So then you do that anyway,
Mel Robbins (18:40):
Yes, that's the first step. Honesty. And it's very sobering when you get honest, because for many of us, I mean, look at me. I spent 11 years making excuses for why I couldn't start a podcast and all those excuses and the dancing around and oh, brushing it off and the I'm not really that serious about it. It's painful. Your dream isn't painful. She's talking about how scared she is that the dream's not going to turn out. What's actually painful is how much energy you're putting into avoiding what you want and what you deserve. And the three big ways that we extinguish that flame inside of us and we put distance between ourselves and the dreams that are meant for us is number one, we literally downplay them. Anytime you make a joke about your dream, anytime you're like, I'm not that serious about it,
Mel Robbins (19:38):
You are putting distance between you and your dream. You're taking a bucket of water and you're trying to extinguish the flame inside you. Anytime you make excuses, I don't have the money, I can't do it. I don't have the time. Same thing. Cold bucket of water on that flame, stop doing it. The third thing, when she really gets honest, when you have that moment of reckoning with yourself and you can claim what you want, it's terrifying. It really is because you allow yourself to feel desire. You allow yourself for just a second to feel possibility.
(20:30):
Just imagine how incredible it would be to do a stadium tour and sing your own songs. And when you allow yourself to entertain the fact that that's the dream that's meant for you, you allow yourself to stand close to that flame. You allow it to burn a little brighter, and then we get scared.
Mel Robbins (21:04):
What if it doesn't happen? And you convince yourself that your dream is scary and your dream isn't scary at all. Your excuses and your fear of it and your joking is what's scary. And so how do you keep this dream alive? And this is a really important exercise, particularly for those of you who say, I don't know what I want, Mel. I don't know what my dream is. I have a very simple exercise that I have taught to hundreds of thousands of people. It's backed by science, and this is an exercise that is going to help you get back in touch with dreaming.
(21:42):
See, I think part of the problem is that we've all gotten into this mode where we don't want to get our expectations up. So we put a lid on our own desires. We don't allow ourselves to want what we want. We don't allow ourselves to be in touch with the things that we really long for. And it's the fact that you won't even give yourself permission to dream. That's also making you feel unworthy. How are we going to tap back into this dream inside you? How are we going to get your desires flowing freely? How are we going to get you to start to believe that you're worthy of the things that you long for? I'll tell you how it's very simple. Every single morning you are going to make a cup of coffee or tea. And as part of your morning routine, you are simply going to write down five dreams a day.
(22:40):
That's it. Five dreams a day. You are going to make it a habit to claim what you want if only by writing it on a piece of paper. And having taught this to hundreds of thousands of people, I already know what your questions are going to be. Are they the same things I write down? Are they big things? Are they little things? Are they things that can happen? What are they? Mel, here's how you're going to do this. Do not overthink it. Sit down, you have a blank piece of paper and just write down five things you want. It could be, I want that new Gucci handbag and you might not be able to pay for groceries right now.
Mel Robbins (23:23):
It might be, I want my puppy to stop pooping on the living room rug. It might be I want to be the number one podcast host in the world. It might be I want to do a stadium tour. I want to write a song that helps heal the world. I want to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, who I currently hate. Your dreams are yours. Do not judge them. Do not shrink them. This exercise is about clearing out the blockage and the gunk that has blocked the highway between your heart and your soul and what you will give yourself permission to want and desire in your life. Your self-doubt, your feeling that you're not worthy, your excuses, your people pleasing. It's all blocking your access to this longing, to this dream within you. And so we got to just get the gears turning. We got to get these kind of the, I don't even know what you call it, but this is a way to grease the gears and get you free flowing. Why shouldn't you do a stadium tour?
(24:36):
Why shouldn't you have that new Gucci handbag? If that's what you want, you can certainly do the work to get it. Why shouldn't you be happy or healthy or heal your cancer? These dreams are there for a reason. We got to get them out of your head where you bury them with excuses and we got to get them into the world in real time where you can see them on a piece of paper. Now, reason number one, why you're going to do this five dreams a day. They can be the same dreams. They can be different dreams. They can be big dreams, they can be little dreams. They can be thematic. They can be specific stuff. They can be anything you want. We just need to get your dreams and your desires flowing freely without you putting the lid on, invalidating or arguing against them. So there's a second reason why this exercise is so effective and it has to do with something called the Zeigarnik effect.
Mel Robbins (25:31):
Now, the Zeigarnik effect is a extraordinarily well-documented effect in your brain that was first discovered by a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik. And she had her first study published about psychology and this theory in 1927. So this has been around for a long time. And what is the Zeigarnik effect? Well, the Zeigarnik effect is this inside of your brain, there is a mental checklist function. And whenever something is important to you, your brain is like, oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to do a stadium tour. Oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to get her cholesterol down. Whenever something's important to you, your brain takes notice. It opens up a mental checklist, and then your brain has this really interesting function where it will now work with you to help remind you of this thing that's important to do.
(26:27):
It's like a little to-do list it your brain. The Zeigarnik effect is once your brain knows something is important, and it's important, if you keep writing it down, your brain is going to go to work trying to help you get it done. And the Zeigarnik Effect is so pronounced that it is used everybody in software design. You know how they talk about gamification? You know how you got to film out a form and then all of a sudden a little reminder pops up that like you're 64% complete? Well, that's this Zeigarnik effect. That's this mental checklist thing saying, you're not done yet. You got a little bit more to go. And so this is so effective, and so again, I'm going to summarize this, and I'm also going to help you if you go to mel robbins.com/dream big mel robbins.com/dream big, I got a free download for you.
(27:14):
Not only are we going to give you some of the key takeaways from this episode, but we're going to give you prompts so that you can print out this free sheet and use it every single morning to write down your five dreams to tap into the Zeigarnik effect inside your brain to help you keep those dreams alive and to help you start letting your desires and your worthiness flow freely through you. Okay, so we've covered a couple key topics so far. Your dreams are not a joke. They matter. You got to claim 'em. This exercise of writing down five things you want every single morning is going to tap into that super highway, and it's going to help you build the neuropathways to give yourself permission to want things. It's going to help you tap into this flame inside you that is burning and is begging for you to let it help you.
(28:12):
And then what we're going to do next is we're going to talk about the fact that once you get in touch with this dream, you know what you're going to do. You're going to do what everybody does. You are going to start arguing against it. You're going to start making jokes. You're going to start making excuses. You're going to start getting afraid because once the stream keeps showing up on that piece of paper every morning, once you start to feel the pull of your heart, once you start to notice as I have for the last eight years that everybody and their mother has a podcast except for me, you're going to start to feel the pain of not working toward it and instead of turning toward our dream, you know what we all do? We do what you're going to hear Barbara doing back in la. You're going to hear her kicking up a dust storm of excuses, of jokes, of reasons of this. But here's the difference. She had Mel Robbins on her ass that day, and I was not going to have any of it because your dreams are not a joke. Your dreams are serious business that demand and deserve your attention. What if you lived in south Florida and you were comfortable
Barbara (29:24):
And you were big and I was big, big,
Mel Robbins (29:28):
Big, big, big.
Barbara (29:30):
Well, I tried that.
Mel Robbins (29:32):
Okay.
Barbara (29:33):
I actually am a big fish in the Jewish community.
Mel Robbins (29:38):
So hold on a second. Stop making a joke of this.
Barbara (29:40):
Okay? I'm sorry, right?
Mel Robbins (29:41):
No, I'm serious because this is how you block honesty.
Barbara (29:46):
Yep. Yeah, I'm
Mel Robbins (29:48):
Funny. So you are funny, but
Mel Robbins (29:51):
Being unhappy is not funny.
Barbara (29:52):
No, it's really, really, really not.
Mel Robbins (29:54):
Especially
Barbara (29:54):
When you have a sister who's so good at being
Mel Robbins (29:56):
Happy. Yeah, but stop making jokes. Sorry. So
Barbara (29:59):
Hard not to. You're so amazing.
Mel Robbins (30:02):
Entertain
Barbara (30:03):
You.
Mel Robbins (30:03):
No, I don't want you to entertain me. I want you to be honest with me.
Barbara (30:06):
Okay. Hi.
Mel Robbins (30:08):
So what do you want? Do you want to move back to LA and give it another try?
Barbara (30:13):
Yes. And I almost did. And then I was like politics and crime and I'm scared.
Mel Robbins (30:19):
So what you're witnessing here,
Barbara (30:22):
You're going to doubt
Mel Robbins (30:22):
Is yeah, you're witnessing somebody who is literally trying to extinguish her own flame with jokes and you are not having this moment of reckoning with yourself. I am telling you that what you're witnessing, we all do this shit. You maybe do it through excuses or heaviness in terms of your emotions or the pity party or for me, always kind of scanning for what's wrong. And if I don't see it out there, I find it in here. Your form of this is jokes. It's how you get attention. It's how you get love. And it has so overtaken you that you're not even honest with yourself about what you want. And the second you get honest with yourself, this is no joke. At the end of this, you die. And so you can absolutely be a happy person. You can be big. You can be big in South Florida or in la, but you're not going to do it by making a joke about everything. And it begins with you being serious with yourself. You don't have to share it here, but what you write in that journal better be honest
(31:40):
Because it can't be funny. Your dreams are not funny. Your dreams are serious business, and you have within you the ability to literally write it down and say, by God, I'm going to do whatever it takes until this happens. What would be way worse? Everybody? What would be way worse is that you spent the next 40, 50 years wishing you had done it. Do you hear everybody there? I want to talk to you because I'm serious about this. You have to be honest with yourself. I do not want you to spend another day wishing you had done it.
(32:33):
I'm sitting here right now with everybody that is on our team as we're recording this podcast and I'm looking at everybody and I'm thinking, my God, I look at Cameron and I'm like, she almost went to law school and she felt this flame inside her going, ah, go in a different direction. She didn't know what to do next. She just knew that something else was meant for her. Thank God she didn't go to law school. Thank God she turned toward that pole. Thank God she fanned the flame, because here's the one tool you need. This is the only tool you need in order to align with your dreams every single day. When you wake up, do those little, you're going to write down the five dreams. That's a way to get your desires flowing. Again,
Mel Robbins (33:38):
That's a way to teach yourself how to start dreaming with the lid off. That's a way for you to really start to get yourself in touch with what your mind, body, and spirit are trying to wake you up to and have you pay attention to the things in your life that make you come alive. That make you grow. You're supposed to walk toward that light. You're not supposed to argue against it. And so every single day you're going to be working on, okay, I got to let myself desire things. I got to give myself permission to want things. I'm allowed to do that. Not only am I allowed to do that, I actually need to. It's part of my life force. And I'm not saying you're just going to sit around and wish for shit to happen. You're going to have to work for it. That's how you get it in life. But you won't get where you're meant to go if you can't even claim what's meant for you.
(34:28):
And it is a practice of honesty and it's a practice of giving yourself permission. It's a practice of worthiness. It's a practice of self-love. And so you're going to start there. But let me tell you the simple thing. The simple thing. Every single day when you wake up, you can just ask yourself, am I for or against my dream today? Am I for or against my dream? It's really that simple. Your dreams are your responsibility. Are you for them today or are you against them? There's no middle ground. By the way, if you're neutral, you're against.
(35:10):
You are either for that dream inside you or you're against it. So what does that mean? Well, when you're arguing against your dream, guess what? You're not for it. When you're making excuses, are you for it? No. When you are afraid of it happening or not happening, are you for it? No. Being for your dream is first of all, being in touch with it.
Mel Robbins (35:38):
So simply being in touch with it and claiming it, that's a way to be for it. Another way to be for it is to see reasons why. It's your dream to see evidence that it could happen to see everybody else out there. In my world, it was people that were launching podcasts instead of seeing them as reasons why my flame was out, see them as evidence that yes, my flame too is going to burn brighter, that they are lights on the path.
(36:09):
I said earlier that it is essential when you're going through a challenging time, your dreams matter more than ever than because if you give up on your dreams when you're feeling lost or on autopilot or you're facing heartbreak, you literally give up a lifeline that is part of your DNA. See your dreams remind you that this challenge is temporary. Your dreams remind you that there's something greater ahead. Your dreams remind you that this moment, it's a blip, it's a dot. It's part of the path leading you somewhere that you're meant to go. Your dreams help you through challenging times. So don't give up on them. You got to double down on them. If things are challenging, that's the best time to create something new. That's the best time to tap into that fire inside you. You need that fire at that time. That's why it's there.
(37:05):
You see, I think your dreams have this incredible purpose that nobody understands. What if I told you you're actually not supposed to achieve your dreams? Yep. You're not supposed to achieve your dreams. The reason why I can say that is because your dreams are not a destination. Your dreams are a directional signal. Your dreams are like this compass inside you, this GPS system that's hardwired in you. You were born with it. It's like a beacon, a lighthouse out in the future. It's pulling you through your problems towards something greater. It is showing you that there's something awesome to look forward to. It's giving you a reason to have hope, something bigger to believe in. Those dreams pull you through your fears. They make you grow. They push you through your self-doubt. That's why they're there. They show you the way. It doesn't matter whether you achieve them or not.
(38:07):
What matters is do you hear the call? Do you fan the flame? Do you wake up every day and allow yourself to feel those things that are meant for you and fan the flame and be the person that is the force, the yes, the loudest voice for them. It doesn't matter what everybody else think. Who gives a shit what anybody else thinks, honestly? And if they haven't achieved your dreams, why the fuck are you asking their opinion anyway? They don't know how to get there. And your dreams, by the way, are not meant for somebody else. That's why they don't understand them. And here's another thing that you're doing. You are literally looking for validation from people who can't even cheer their own selves on how can somebody who's not even pursuing their dreams help or celebrate you as you're trying to pursue yours? See, this comes back to it being your responsibility.
(38:57):
This is an inside job. And when you really wrap your brain around this, life gets fricking magical. It doesn't mean it's always like roses, it doesn't mean it's going to be easy as you walk toward those dreams. But there is nothing more fulfilling than waking up every day and knowing that you are the loudest cheerleader that you got, knowing that you believe that this thing is possible, knowing that you are the one that's for this, that you are validating that the things that are deep inside of you, that is an incredible way to go through life. And so every single day, you're going to be waking up. You're going to be writing your five things down. You can go to mel robbins.com/dream big. I want you dreaming big. I want you dreaming big. In fact, you don't even realize how much you limit yourself. Kathy Heller, who did that live event with me in la, she has this really amazing thing that she does that I've heard her do, and I'm going to share it with you, but this is her idea. So I'm going to give her credit. I want you to imagine there's a blank check in front of you, blank check, and you could pay yourself whatever you want to make this year, whatever you want to make this year, go ahead and write it down on that check.
Mel Robbins (40:25):
What'd you write? A hundred grand. A quarter of a million dollars. Half a million dollars. Million dollars. Who wrote that number? I'll tell you who wrote the number, the lid. Why not 5 million? Why not 10 million? And again, if you can just play with me that your dreams are not meant to be achieved, they're not the destination. They're a directional signal. Maybe you're supposed to write 5 million down because that's going to inspire something in terms of your self-worth. It's going to awaken something. Instead of thinking about what's possible, tap into what's true. You would love that. In fact, you'd be willing to work for that. If I could convince you, you could make it happen. And so the problem is you limit what you claim for yourself because you're thinking about what's possible or what you, instead of tapping into what you actually desire. That's a huge mistake. See, a car can probably go 180 miles an hour. That's sort of like, oh, I'm going to drive 40.
(41:50):
You haven't even tapped into the potential. I mean, obviously you don't want to get pulled over, and it could be illegal on the right. You know what I mean by that analogy? So now I want to end this with this final clip because one of the things that I know that you're probably doing is you're doing what I did in the podcast market. I'm too late. It's going to be too hard. I've never done this before. I'm too far down the road in a different direction. I've already been an accountant or this is my major. Or I've spent seven years with this person, or I've lived here for so long. You're doing the whole sunk costs thing. I spent too much time, too late to change. Don't know how to do it. This is a major, major mistake that you're making, and I want you to hear the final thing that I said to Barbara because she admitted she's going to move to la. She's 46, she's been at it for 25 years. She's going to go back because it is way more painful to live a small life knowing you gave up on your dream than to go for it and wake up every day and before your dream and fan the flame. And maybe it doesn't happen, maybe it does. But waking up every day knowing that you're aligned with this greater purpose and drive and calling inside you, that's what you're meant to do. So let's go back to la. I want to leave you with one more thing.
Barbara (43:27):
What did you get? Disassociate. I got that. My sister is very kind.
Mel Robbins (43:34):
No jokes. No jokes.
Barbara (43:36):
I'm being serious.
Mel Robbins (43:37):
No, I want you to talk about you.
Barbara (43:39):
Okay? You have to just go for it. And
Mel Robbins (43:43):
Here's the thing. Be
Barbara (43:44):
Messy and not focus so much on what you're afraid of and being comfortable, but just do the thing that scares you, which
Mel Robbins (43:55):
It's even bigger than that,
Barbara (43:57):
Okay?
Mel Robbins (43:58):
So if you wish to be happier, do you know what life gives you things that make you sad? And then you have to figure out how to be sad or happy when things are sad. You know what happens when you say that you want peace in your life, you want things to be easier?
Mel Robbins (44:17):
Oh, you know what? Bubbles to the surface, all the stuff that's broken. And then you have to bring and figure out how to bring peace to this. And so for you, there is something that you needed to do in Florida
(44:36):
So you would get serious about doing the work back here and that there was something in the breakdown and whatever it is that you want to call it that was meant for you because you clearly needed it to come back here and actually do what you're meant to do. And look, it might take 30 years, but it'll be the best damn Netflix special I have ever seen in my entire life. One of the things that I'll never forget is that when I started arguing for her dreams, that's when she got really emotional. You probably heard her choking up when I said, you're moving back and you're going for it, and it's going to be the next best damn Netflix special you've ever had. It may take 30 years, and that's what's available to you too. Because the bottom line is, don't you dare listen to this and spend your time writing to me or DM-ing me about your excuses about how old you are or how late you are or how much you've screwed up your life.
(45:44):
Do you understand? You are listening to a 54-year-old woman who had been thinking about launching a podcast since 2011, and I'm just four weeks into this. If I can reinvent my life and clear out the bullshit that I am doing to argue against my dreams, if I can get in touch with what is truly calling me and claim it and be honest and turn toward it and figure out how to make it a reality, so can you. And the fact is absolutely everything that has sucked about your life or where you are right now, you need it because you needed to experience unhappiness to realize, I want to be happy. You needed to feel small to realize that's not what's meant for you. I thought that I was going to be a daytime chalk show host. I thought that was my big dream. I would follow the giants like Ellen and Oprah and all these incredible people.
(46:52):
And you know what happened? I did that job at CBS Broadcast Center with Sony Pictures for a year, and then I got fired from that job when covid hit literally, and I was lost. And you know what I learned from that experience? I learned that that's not what I wanted to do. I didn't actually like it at all. I loved the people. I love the machine. I did not like the product at all. There was something that was off. Every single thing that is happening to you is happening for those dreams of yours. And see, maybe you needed the breakdown that you're in in order to realize you deserve to be happy. Maybe you needed that job. You didn't like to realize you better get serious about creating what you want. Maybe you needed to apply to law school and get there and go, not for me to realize something else was meant for you.
(48:00):
And you should stop denying the fact that you wanted to go into a creative field. So do not let the fact that you have spent a certain amount of time or you're a certain age, or you're too early or you're too late or all of that crap to invalidate the truth. The truth is, you're right on time. If you're having the wake up call that I intend for you to have as you listen to this, as you're realizing that your dreams are as alive as they have ever been, if you are starting to go, oh my God, I've been against myself. I'm going to be for myself. If you're starting to say, wow, I really have put the lid on, I really have stopped allowing myself or giving myself permission to have something incredible happen in my life. If you're having the wake up call that I intended good.
(48:52):
Now, let me tell you something else. There is no deadline on your dreams and there is no age at which you're supposed to do this. You can start a business at 18. You can quit the job you had out of college at 24. You can go back to technical school after getting a master's at 31. You can literally adopt a child at the age of 39 when you're single. You can go to nursing school after you've raised your kids and you're 42 years old. You can learn how to teach your first online course at the age of 48. You could become a podcast host at the age of 54.
Mel Robbins (49:26):
You could get married for the first time at 63. You could skydive at 71. You could run your first marathon at 82. Your dreams do not disappear. There is no age at when you can't do something or when you're too early. It's complete bullshit. Your dreams are something you were born with. They are your responsibility, and they're also the life force inside of you. So stop running away from them and turn toward them. Run toward your dreams. Stop arguing against them and be the loudest voice for them and for crying out loud. Stop extinguishing that flame that's burning inside you enough with the excuses, enough with the jokes and the downplaying enough with this fear.
(50:21):
Your job is to turn toward that flame, turn toward that, and freaking fan it, fan it with all your might. That flame inside you is supposed to burn bright. And the only way that that's going to happen is when you are honest with yourself about that thing you've been denying about that calling, that you feel about the fact that you're meant for more than where you're at right now. That you deserve to be happy, that those dreams are real, and you have within you the ability to chip away at 'em. And that when you wake up every single day and you write down those five dreams and you see and you hear, and you feel the fact that your life has clues, your life is trying to help you, your life is trying to help you become who you're destined to become. And I'm sure you're wondering whatever happened to Barbara? Great question. Since that coaching session that you just heard, she's been busy. She's been busy working on her dreams. She's stopped the excuses and the bullshit that was keeping her from being the hero of her own story. Check this out.
Barbara (51:39):
Hey, Mel. So I decided to create a one woman show, and it's also a musical. I've written four original songs in the show, so
Barbara (51:51):
I hope you'll come and see it. It was admitted into the Hollywood Fringe Theater Festival, so I'm hoping that we go on tour with it. Thanks for asking.
Mel Robbins (52:00):
See Failure. It is never the end of your story, and I want you to know something else. I want you to know that your friend Mel Robbins, is right here beside you every single step of the way because I believe in you. I believe in your dreams, and I believe in your ability to make those dreams come true. So 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, stop fucking arguing and making excuses and joking and all the other stuff that you're doing that is wasting your time and dishonoring the fact that there is a superhero inside of you and you got some work to do. So get your ass out there. Keep fanning those flames and make those dreams come true. Alrighty, I'll see you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Key takeaways
Every time you laugh off, postpone, or argue against your dream, you’re dumping cold water on the flame that’s meant to light your path.
Your excuses are not practical, they’re protective. They guard you from the pain of believing in something that might not happen—but what if it does?
You are either for your dream or you are against it; neutrality is just a comfortable mask for fear, and fear is no way to live.
If you won’t even let yourself write down your dream, how can you expect to have the courage to pursue it or the clarity to know where to start?
Your dream is not a destination, it's a directional signal pulling you through pain, self-doubt, and excuses toward the bigger life you’re meant to create.
Resources
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- Inc: The bigger kids dream, the more likely they are to succeed.
- The Atlantic: Big dreams and small actions go together.
- Neuroscience News: Your dreams and your personality are linked.
- UC, Berkeley: Why your brain needs to dream.
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