Happiness Is an Option for You: 4 Easy Habits That Make Your Life Better, Based on Research

(00:21:49):

My job was to make sure other people didn't get depressed, so I kept trying to be there for other people. I was just supposed to be this paragon of knowing what you were supposed to do in optimism, and I kept going deeper and deeper in depression because I knew that there is a dissonance between what I was feeling and what I was showing to the world. The turning point for me and what actually got me to try to do those habits was at the bottom of the depression for me. I turned to my eight closest friends and family and told them that I was going through depression and a couple of these people were sort of my competitors there at Harvard or my peers, and I told 'em I was going through depression and I said, it's genetic. There's nothing you can do. My grandmother, grandparents, like it's genetic.

 

(00:22:34):

I just wanted to tell somebody. But immediately the groundswell of support was phenomenal. They kept calling me, they emailed me, they met up with me. One of brought me cupcakes. It's not what I did it to get cupcakes, but as soon as I did that, everything changed. And the reason for it was actually a study I found way later in my life. It was a study by these two researchers in Virginia and they found that if you look at a hill, you need to climb in front of you. If you look at that hill by yourself, your brain shows you a picture of a hill that looks 20 to 30% steeper when you're alone compared to that hill that you look at of the same height while standing next to someone who you're told is going to climb the hill with you. So I said that in a convoluted way, when you're alone hills actually look 20 to 30% steeper to the visual cortex,

 

(00:23:22):

Which Is amazing. I thought we have this objective view of the world that's bad. This is good. This is how tall that mountain is. What we realized was it was one of those matrix moments where I realized that the world is not objective, it's subjective, and that hill, those challenges are collapsing and expanding based upon whether or not you think you're radically alone going through this and trying to get out of this or whether you're with other people. So as soon as I did that, as soon as I opened up to other people, that was the turning point because it was the move from happiness as a self-help idea to 

Mel Robbins (00:24:31):

Well, it makes perfect sense and it reminds me of the fact that the surgeon General just had that opt ed piece that went viral yesterday about the epidemic of loneliness and in his op-ed piece in the New York Times, he talked about his own struggle with it and how the turning point was him admitting just like you did to his family friends and to a few colleagues that he was really struggling with this and it was their checking in on him and them sharing back that they felt disconnected from social groups and from themselves as well after the last three years. That really was the turning point, but I love that you added that research because it is true when you are down and sad and you feel like a sad sack that nobody wants to hang out with, that's the story you tell yourself and that story then and the emotions that feel low make you keep isolating, and it's when you reach out that you change the behavior and you change the narrative, and then that provides a little bit of that intrinsic lift that you need that maybe there is something I can do.

 

(00:25:43):

Maybe there is hope. I want to go a little bit deeper on this because you've been there and I've been there and lots of people listening have been there and are there right now, and so when somebody like you come in or I'm sitting here on the mic, it's so easy to be resigned and push everybody away and be like, well, that's great for you Sean, but you don't know what I'm going through. And I think this question, Andrea, it's actually number three. It's Charmaine. Let's play Charmaine's question because I think it's going to help us even go a little bit deeper to provide some hope. Sean, for somebody who's really feeling like I've tried everything

 

Charmaine (00:26:27):

Since my teen years, I've been asking myself, why am I here? What's my purpose? How do I create happiness within myself? I've made so much progress yet right now I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel not good enough. I feel like I'm not a good girl. I feel like I'm not a good enough mom to my daughters. I feel selfish and I feel off course and I'm not living up to my potential. I've done the work. I know this is coming from my limiting beliefs, trauma projections that I have taken on as truth. Yet here I am feeling lost alone and frankly stupid. I do understand the privilege I possess. I practice gratitude. I know I am blessed and I do a lot of things. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm not completely unhappy, so what the fuck am I? I'm in some goddamn vortex of nirvana and hell,

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:33):

Sean, what pops out at you?

 

Shawn Achor (00:27:38):

So many things. First of all, how self-aware this person is to be able in the midst of this, to be able to identify the stages that they've been through where they are currently a recognition of the good, but also feeling like that they don't feel good enough and that there's more potential. What I kept hearing in my head over and over again is this sounds like me. This sounds so human. I think we fluctuate all the time between this. I've got things going and then wow, I certainly don't, if I have a really productive Monday, I get everything done and I'm super cleaning the house Tuesday and Wednesday are terrible. I'm exhausted. I don't want to do anything. I feel like I waste every Tuesday and Wednesday whenever I have an amazing Monday. I think that that's because we swing and I think what our hunger for is if our hunger is for a mountaintop experience all the time, that we always know that we're loved, that we're always amazing, that we're always beautiful and the smartest person in the room.

 

(00:28:45):

I think that that's an illusion and a false desire because I think it's an accurate reflection that we are not living up to our potential. I think that that's true all the time. I think that I could be doing better as a dad. I could be doing better as a husband. I know that when I work really hard at being a great dad, I know I immediately look around at all the people, they're doing amazing things at work and I'm like, whoa, I'm so buying. Then when I do a ton of stuff for work or travel ever, then I'm like, oh, I should be a better dad. I swing back and forth between this and I think what we need are those anchor points in the midst of it and where those anchor points come from. You had me on the show or to join you because I researched this, but I also went to the divinity school before getting into this.

(00:31:36):

I think that a lot of the things that we search for don't work out for us, which is why we get to the point where she's talking about where we feel this vortex of I've got it, I don't have it. Got it. I don't have it because we're reaching onto things oftentimes or loosely while we're grabbing onto things that are true. My mentor, Talbin Shahar said that you're never as great as you think you are and you're never as bad as you think you are. And what I loved about that is that meant that there was a middle path in the midst of it that sometimes when I think I'm a great speaker or whatever it is, then I get humbled very quickly by anything. Or if I think that I'm not doing great, then occasionally I'll get an email and it's like, Hey, this was really important to me.

 

(00:32:17):

That middle path was actually the one that I wanted to be in, and it's this recognition and being okay with I am not at my full potential, but that's okay. And the reason that's so okay is because I'm having a meaningful impact upon other people. So that habit that I mentioned of writing a two minute pause of email, praising or thanking someone else, I found that one to be probably the most helpful of any of the things that I've, because you can take someone in a socially isolated state with high levels of introversion, and if every day they scan for one new person to write a two minute positive email to, they stop on day eight, unless we pay them $15 on day eight, that's when they realize fully that they're not a crazy extrovert with all these friends that they could write to. They're like, I wrote to everyone in my favorites list and my mom twice. That's everyone. And then they scan and they remember who's that mentor who got me into this job, or who's that high school teacher that seemed to have some answer to some of those questions that that person was just asking? Or what about my first grade, my kid's first grade teacher who transformed my son's life, but I don't talk to 'em anymore because my kid's in second grade.

 

(00:33:21):

And you start to see all these people that are in our lives that we're not connecting with and a two minute email thanking them or praising them or saying, I've seen how you've been going through breast cancer and it inspires me that you're able to find happiness in low health. When I struggled find happiness, when I seem to have higher health, that those moments that just brief, meaningful act using technology for two minutes, we found that if you do it for 21 days in a row, your social connection score rises up to the top 15% of people worldwide, right? That's including experts. And what we found was that it was you were lighting up these nodes of meaningful connections on your mental map of social connection. And that I think if you look at the philosophers, I think if you look at religion, I think if you look at psychology, they keep breaking down this idea that you can achieve happiness alone, that you could just figure out your thoughts enough and then you did it. You can just maintain your happiness. That happiness and meaning only come from this interplay with the ecosystem with others around us.

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:29):

I love that. Go ahead. Or if you're about to talk another study, go for it.

 

Shawn Achor (00:34:33):

Oh, I was just going to tell one quick study, please. It's a beautiful one. It's not about humans. You probably heard this one. This was also in the New York Times as well. There's a study where they found all these fireflies, fireflies everywhere, light up individually and randomly in the dark, and that's how they attract a mate. And their success rate per night per bug is 3%, which I'm told is good. But these researchers found on opposite sides of the globe, these two species, one in southeast Indonesia and one in the smoky mountains of Tennessee that you can take buses out to go see. And these fireflies have these neurotransmitters that allow them to all light up and all go dark at the same time, which is beautiful, but not that smart because we live in a survival of the fittest world, right? We're told be the fastest, smartest, brightest, light shining, otherwise you'll never be successful.

 

(00:35:23):

And at MIT, they studied these fireflies and they realize we just don't understand how systems work that when they lit up together seemingly with their competition, the success rate doesn't drop. The success rate goes from 3% to 82% per bug. It's not like one bug does better. The whole system was doing orders of magnitude better than we thought was possible because as they lit up together, their light became brighter and it was attracting more and more potential mates than a single light would've been able to do and created these virtuous cycles. And we kept seeing the same thing. When we looked at humans, we found that the greatest predictor of long-term levels of happiness, as you know, one of the greatest predictors is social connection. 

Mel Robbins (00:36:14):

So Sean, what I love about what you just said, especially in response to that question from Charmaine, is that I was listening to her just tick off one negative, nasty, critical thought after another. I could feel like this heaviness, and then all of a sudden it occurred to me, wait a minute, I bet happiness is broken into two things. It is from the neck up and it's the things that you tell yourself, but it is also and probably way more important that you think about the things that you're doing from the neck down. And that's where these habits come in, that if it's all doom and gloom from the neck up, you're not going to feel any sort of motivation, hope, or interest in lighting up with everybody else. But if you can force yourself to start ticking off these simple habits that you recommend, that you practice, that you've researched and you just highlighted the one of taking and making a two minute note, just a two minute note every single day for 21 days, it will have an impact in how you feel, which of course will start to shift all that shit you've been saying to yourself, which probably is stuff that you heard your parents say to themselves.

 

(00:37:32):

And so you are, what I love about your research is that you're also making it actionable because I think that's part of the problem that when we feel shitty and we say shitty things to ourselves, we don't take the actions that actually change it.

 

Shawn Achor (00:37:48):

Yeah. I heard one time I was on a plane and the woman sitting, I don't know, kitty corner behind me to the back, she said she was talking to somebody else loudly that she had just met about all these psychological understandings about herself, literally a litany of all the psychological problems that she had. And I realized, and she said she'd been going to therapy for years. She had this incredible knowledge about herself and understanding where she was. And at no point did she ever mention anything she was doing about it. She was talking to a stranger about it, which was more trauma dumping than actually trying to move forward. But I think there's this moment where I really thought that if I read enough books that I'd find happiness.

 

(00:38:37):

I thought if I read enough books, I'd be smart and then people would like me. That was completely not true. And I think that we take these passage, and I love what you're saying there, is that there's this interplay between the beliefs and the actions that we do. You see the same thing with religion between this faith and works. It's the things you believe, but if you say you believe those, but you're not doing any of those, I'm not sure you actually believe these things, that there's got to be connection between those. And what I would say is in addition to that is don't try to do it alone. I think that we treat happiness, self-help. I know our books are in self-help sections sometimes, but as soon as we do this on our own without that friend, without that mentor, without those people that we're doing meaningful acts for, then we get frustrated very quickly and think we're doing something wrong. And what's wrong is actually the formula. Happiness never works out if it's an individual pursuit. And that that's one of those other mindset shifts, I think was crucial to find that there wasn't, you can't do enough yoga to force yourself into happiness unless that yoga caused you to be more peaceful with that interaction with your mother-in-law.

 

Mel Robbins (00:39:46):

That's like happiness applied. I like to play another question. This one, Andrea, is from Pam. So this is a question from a listener that I think will help us dig deeper into the connection between you and people around you and how they impact your happiness.

 

Pam (00:40:05):

I'm listening to your podcast now and almost crying. What if your happiness seems centered entirely on that of another? In my case, it's my son. I've heard you're only as happy as your happiest child. And I have one son and he's not happy. I know he lives with his face in his phone and he says he doesn't mind being a loner. I know that he was happiest many years ago when he had a girlfriend who adored him and was very active. Now he's 26 and should be in the prime of his life, and he isn't. And as a result, I feel deeply unhappy. How do I move past this and how can I help him do the same at 65 and four years out from breast cancer treatment? I think it's time to find my warm people and find that happiness again.

 

Shawn Achor (00:40:56):

I hear that. I mean, I have two kids of my own and so much of my happiness is built upon them and because of them and any frustration that I feel is usually because I'm not with them, right? Or when they're hurting, I so wish it was me. So I think that that's unavoidable. I think that love necessitates amounts of pain that we have to buy into. So I think that the fact that there's pain associated with that love should not be the surprising part. I think what I would, if this was me saying that, and I feel like that's been me saying that sometimes in my life, we got to hear only a little bit of her story. Her story was her son's story mostly right? Then we heard that she went through breast cancer. I would've loved to hear her story, and yet we're hearing her story as a bit character or a side narrator of her son's story, which means that our happiness becomes very fragile.

 

(00:41:53):

So you and I both, well in financial groups, they always tell you, diversify your portfolio. Don't all be in all stocks and don't be in all bonds. And that's my knowledge cliff. Don't be on all one thing. I think the same thing happens with meaning, and I think we see it with people who love their kids. We also see it with workaholics where they love something and it's meaningful. The work is meaningful and pleasurable and they're good at it. So then they just do more of it. But the more they do that and they don't do other things, they're slowly taking out other meaningful parts of their life so that their entire meaning portfolio is all in one stock. It's all that sun or it all becomes that work. We don't even know what to do with ourselves when we don't have work to do, right? That's a workaholic. They give free time and they're like, what do I do? Maybe I'll just have a few more emails, then I'll feel happy again. Right? That used to be you.

(00:43:51):

And one of the greatest things that I've learned recently, Sean, and it's helped me a lot as a parent, is that it so important that the people in your life struggle at times because inside that struggle is where they learn the lessons and they have to dig deeper and discover something inside themselves. And it's the hardest thing in the world to see somebody that you love suffering. And I had that experience watching my husband struggle with depression, and I could throw every book on the planet, Adam, every podcast episode, Adam, but I can't do the work for him. I can just hold space for that. And I think we have to do that for ourselves that on those days that you feel like shit, you've got to hold space for the fact that you've just swung in the direction of a healthy feeling and eventually it's going to swing back.

 

(00:44:48):

And what I like about what you're teaching us, Sean, is that through these habits, and you said a gratitude practice, a journaling practice, exercising every day, taking two minutes to write a note to somebody. These are simple things that leverage all this research. This is the neck down approach as far as I'm concerned, something that has nothing to do with how you feel but impacts how you feel that these are things that anybody can do, but what do you do? Because I can sit here and mouth off on the mic and say that I can hold space and all this shit, but the truth is I get very triggered when somebody that I love is sad and I want to fix it, Sean, but how do you hold space? How do you operate, whether it's you personally, Sean, or what do you recommend because you do so much corporate strategy work and teaching, what do you do for leaders when there's somebody on their team that's really struggling? How do you show up as a space and commitment for happiness for others when they don't feel like it?

 

Shawn Achor (00:45:54):

It's such an interesting question because when we speak to groups of people, you get 300 people in a room, plus someone in there is going through grief just statistically, someone's going through grief. Maybe 20% are on an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication that the 10% or more have been abused. And to go into, the more I think about it, the more I become paralyzed as a speaker. If I thought about that, I know that I would not say some of the things that I would be saying even in this conversation, maybe not. But I definitely would soft pedal some of the things in the happiness advantage. If one of my friends had just lost their son, I would not go immediately to this because I think that there's a moment and a long moment for grief that we need to allow and recognition that that's part of love and that's part of being human. At the same time, what's helped me hold that space that you're describing is that I'll find out after a talk that someone would come up to me and be like, this traumatic event just happened to our kid. And I immediately think in my head, why did I say some of these things?

 

(00:47:11):

And they were like, you have no idea how much I need to hear this today. So my beliefs and assumptions about what that person needed to hear were completely wrong. And I give myself space to realize in those moments that I don't have everything figured out, which is actually really helpful in a way that I think links back to what you were describing, that I think that what the last person described was exactly what my parents felt about me when I was depressed, right? My parents have said it to me, they were like, we felt helpless. We watched you go through depression. We saw you were depressed and we couldn't do anything. And we were in Boston far away from us, so I could hear them feeling the same thing that parent felt as well. And that's why I'm a happiness researcher now because I went through that depression and because they were there for me in the midst of it and my friends were, and because I took these steps, all of that made me feel like depression wasn't in the story and made me want to talk to other people about it.

Mel Robbins (00:49:03):

Story. I think that the numbers that you said about an audience are way higher. And I would push back on you and say that the research and the recommendations that you're making work and that everybody needs to hear 'em. And if you're in a state of acute grief, then you're not going to be capable of doing it. But the second that you're grabbing for a lifeline, these simple habits that you're talking about of simply getting out of bed, exercising, journaling, practicing gratitude, and then sending a note of kindness. And it might just be to people that helped you during the funeral, that gives you a lifeline, that gives you access to the power within you that helps you come back to yourself. And so I think we make the mistake of tiptoeing around people's depression and people's sadness, and we treat them with kid gloves when actually what they need is not only the empathy and the support and the check-in, but these mile markers and guideposts that help you swing back in the direction of feeling happier again.

 

(00:50:13):

And I do love that you keep coming back and back and back to this idea that this is something you practice. I have never heard anybody say that happiness is a team sport. I have always thought about it as happiness, like having good social connections results in happiness. But you're saying almost the inverse, which is that when you prioritize connecting with people in a more meaningful way, or even simply to seek some support and help the result that you feel is more joy and happiness, even as you're going through these very difficult times, it's almost like happiness and joy can become a life fest that keeps you afloat. It's not like it's exhilarating, and I'm starting to really get at a much deeper cellular level what you're saying when it's like, we need a different definition for this. It's not pleasure, it's something else that's way more important. I want to go to another question that we have. Let's go to question number four. I bet you've got a great answer for Annemarie.

 

Annemarie (00:51:31):

Hi Mel. This is Annemarie calling from Guilford in the United Kingdom absolutely adore listening to your inspirational podcast. Thank you. Can you advise people who perhaps have a chronic illness and can't exercise or work full-time how they too can lead a happier and more fulfilled life? Sometimes we feel trapped and just grateful someone will even hire us. It's often a job to make ends meet rather than do something that we love and find fulfilling. How do you stay motivated and hopeful and keep joy in your life? How do you prevent yourself from spiraling and thinking the worst because you are sick so much of the time? Thank you so much. And sending all love,

 

Shawn Achor (00:52:12):

It's very tough. And I faced that last week when my heart wasn't doing well or whatever was wrong with me, and I thought it's so much easier to feel. I actually looked outside the window and there was the security guard outside the hospital, and I so much wanted to be him. I wanted his life where he wasn't caring about health. So this question hits home where someone has to think about their health all the time, and I think that recognizing that that makes it hard. I used to write in books when I'd sign it. I'd say Happiness is a choice, Sean. I don't do that anymore because I actually still do believe happiness can be become a choice eventually, but not in the immediate moment without any practice. And it's okay when it doesn't happen, and that takes way too long for you to write into every book. I think that there is a recognition that I have an idea. Yeah, go ahead.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:09):

What if you wrote Happiness is an option?

 

Shawn Achor (00:53:15):

I like that because choice seems to add a burden where I don't want there to be a burden, but a recognition that it's an option. 

(00:54:02):

And I know that because I've done work with the National MS Society, we did a whole campaign with them where we got the person who is experiencing MS and a caregiver to come together, and they heard about these habits and then we did it together, and then we videotaped their experience for the next six months as an encouragement for other people. So they weren't just hearing someone who has a happiness research talk about this. They could hear about it translated into the life of someone who's dealing with ms, and what I saw was that as a researcher, I study people. I just study this, not because I'm amazing at happiness and I need to tell everyone about it. I study the people who are able to create happiness. Even when it would be very difficult for me if I lost one of my children. I do not know what would happen on the backside of it.

 

(00:54:49):

Regardless of all of this work, I don't know who I would be, but I do know people on the opposite side of trauma and grief who have done incredible things with their life that are incredibly positive. I just met someone who lost his daughter and is the head of a hospital system in the midst of covid and was just one of those people that just you walk away feeling like life is worth living. So I know it's possible. So given that you can see that people are doing that, I think it becomes to your point, an option again, and then meaning comes from other people.

 

Mel Robbins (00:55:24):

Now, when you say meaning comes from other people, I want to be very clear everybody, because we are also saying you have to stop thinking you'll be happy when you get in the relationship or lose the pounds or you'll finish the PhD or you have your first song playing on the radio though I'll be happy when or thinking that some achievement is going to make your life fulfilling. No, and I think most of us have heard that it's about what becomes fulfilling in life is working on this thing climbing the mountain. So I want to be very clear that Sean is not saying that other people are the source of your happiness. What Sean is saying is that connection, meaningful connection with other people creates feelings of meaning and joy and happiness in your life, and that serving others and helping other people creates meaning and joy. So this is not trying to counsel you, somebody else holds the key to your happiness. It's another one of those ways to think about happiness differently. Am I saying that correctly, Sean?

 

Shawn Achor (00:56:33):

Yeah, I think saying it, and it's a very important thing to say and also that if you're in a relationship with somebody that's harming you, that you do not need to be in the relationship with that person or you need to be able to find safe spaces outside of that. That being the case we did work with, alongside that, we were working in Flint, Michigan in the midst of inequality and discrimination and racism, which are real and visceral and pernicious negatives within the society. They could easily, when we came into the community, I was worried people would be like, we'll talk about happiness when the jobs come back and when there's not lead in the water.

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:09):

We'll

 

Shawn Achor (00:57:09):

Talk about happiness when there's not racism. We only had money to work with the teachers, so we were trying to raise levels of happiness for the teachers. So they'd stayed for more than two years and if their story was, I live in the midst of this society that's broken, 

(00:57:53):

We were finding that if you could change the mindset and behavior of some of the individuals within an ecosystem, you could actually measure the impact of people 2, 3, 4 degrees separate that they never even met. And the reason I highlight that is one that makes us feel good about ourselves, but two, it's the reason for taking that next step. If doing this gratitude journal is just about me, it feels empty and vacuous that it's just about my happiness. This is just going to gym so I could look good, but why am I going to look good if I don't have someone to look good for? You could get stuck in all those ideas. What we were finding in the midst of this is that when people were able to raise their levels of happiness, joy and meaning, it caused other people to see that happiness was an option.

 

(00:58:43):

But at the same time, that gave them the fuel for why my work is meaningful as a teacher. And we had this one day where they did a random acts of kindness. We took teachers that are doing everything in their power to try and hold this community together, and we had them do one more thing. We had them on one day all come together and do a random act of kindness for the community and we didn't know there was going to be a blizzard that day. So at four in the morning, they were giving donuts to road construction crews. They were going out to hospice centers, hospitals. This was their day off, the parent teacher or the teacher in service day. We even went to the DMV to pass out happiness kits that they made until they got kicked out because one of the managers actually said, this is just not part of our culture, which I thought was hilarious.

 

(00:59:26):

But in the midst of this, you talk to those teachers who give everything all the time about that day, they immediately light up their joy. And my mom was a high school English teacher for 30 years. It was very hard to get her to do something for herself, but if she knew that doing something for herself could raise the levels of happiness for other people, it felt meaningful. And so what I'm hoping for is not that my happiness exists in somebody else, but you're describing that there was this study that came out about it's better to live a meaningful life than a happy life, which I thought as soon as you split meaning and happiness, we've already made a mistake.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:07):

Yeah. Isn't it the same thing?

 

Shawn Achor (01:00:09):

Yes, they should be because it's very difficult to stay happy when you feel like your life is meaningless and it's very difficult to keep doing meaningful activities if you don't feel any joy doing that or any return on it. You have to have the two melded together. I would say grit alongside that as well. What we're finding was that that meaning was coming from our participation positively in creating a better world that was outside of just the individual and that when you enhance and expand the power out and let people be part of your life as well, that's when we start to see those larger gains in people's thoughts of happiness.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:47):

If I had to say this in a very rude way, you ready? And I know you need to go, so I'll make it fast. It's almost as if you don't have some clinical diagnosis or mental health issue that's compromising your rational thinking and your emotions. If you're unhappy, you're not playing a big enough game in life. You're too focused on your own misery. You're too focused on yourself, and gratitude is one way to make you see the bigger picture. Taking two minutes and sending a really positive note to somebody else is a way to help you see the bigger picture when you exercise, particularly if you get outside and you're out in nature and you move your body, which shifts your emotions, which shifts your thinking, which helps you then think bigger. All of these things are about getting out of your own teeny, tiny, selfish, miserable focus and expanding your eyes to see that there's a lot more about your life experience and about what is your potential that's available to you when you stop staring at your nasal and complaining about everything that's going on your navel.

 

Shawn Achor (01:02:06):

I like that also, that

 

Mel Robbins (01:02:07):

You're not as mean as me though. I don't see you throwing a few fucks in there. I see Sean being a very nice happiness researcher as you,

 

Shawn Achor (01:02:15):

I feel like I could just listen to you forever. I feel like you're able to synthesize in such a beautiful way and you can hear it from the people who call in and even though they're suffering, you're doing something so meaningful in their life. Alongside that, I would say we get so focused upon whether or not a glass is half full or half empty and then we decide or happiness based upon that, or optimism or pessimism. But I've always had this idea, this picture in my head of we're so focused on this glass being half full or half empty, but ignoring that there's a picture of water sitting right next to it that we could fill it up with,

 

(01:02:49):

And we're trying to determine whether or not our current life is where we want it to be. And I would say it isn't. And I think in many ways we all have a disordered life where we put the wrong things at the top or think the wrong things will create greater levels of happiness. And what we're finding is that when we do these habits and when we care and let other people in care for and let other people in, we're filling up that glass and that glass does not look like it did the day before.

 

Mel Robbins (01:03:20):

Yeah, that's great. Okay, so what are the habits that you're teaching people around the world, Sean?

 

Shawn Achor (01:03:26):

We get people to write down each day for two minutes, three new things that they're grateful for that have occurred over the past 24 hours, and we don't let them repeat for 21 days in a row so that it's not what you're grateful for that matters, it's the scanning. We also got people to go on a 15 minute brisk walk four to five times a week, which we found as the equivalent of taking an antidepressant for the first six months for the next two years as a 30% lower relapse rate back to that depressed state. We find that if you take your hands off your keyboard for two minutes today and just watch your breath go in and out, you're training your brain to do one thing at a time and 21 days later, not only are your accuracy rates improving by 10%, the levels of happiness rise, stress levels drop, and the cortisol levels of the people that are around you change, so their stress levels are dropping as well. So you're literally changing other people's biochemical patterns based upon your habits. And finally, we've got people to write a two minute positive email each day praising or thanking one new person, a different person each day for 21 days in a row. So just thanking them for something or praising them for something a week tire or strong tie. But 21 days later, we find that it dramatically improves the greatest predictor of your long-term levels of happiness, which is your social connection score.

 

Mel Robbins (01:04:35):

Boom. That's not just the happiness advantage people. Those are the happiness actions, and I'm telling you, based on the research, the van is right, you got to do it. I always say, Sean, this is not just a listening podcast. This is a fucking doing podcast. So do those things for 21 days and I think you'll be shocked at how the needle moves or as Sean likes to say, you swing in a new direction. And Sean, anything else that you want everyone to know

 

Shawn Achor (01:05:12):

Except where you are right now, but realize that this is not the end of the story. So I believe the change is radically possible from our genes and our environment when we change our mindset and change our behavior and we link in with other people as well.

 

Mel Robbins (01:05:25):

Well, I'm sad that this is the end of the conversation and I do think your next book, the title should be, this is not the end of the Story. It's the one thing that made my, there's a lot of things in our conversation today, but the couple times that you said that it was so hopeful and it also is believable optimism, and so there is something in that this is not the end of the story that has limitless possibility, and yet something seems very achievable in that.

 

Shawn Achor (01:06:06):

I love that and I love that happiness is an option. There are so many points. I feel like I'm going to be thinking about this interview for a long time. You've just got this depth that makes it just beautiful. So I learned a lot from this.

 

Mel Robbins (01:06:19):

Alright, listen, YouTube, I know you're watching this. We just went to commercial break over on the podcast side. You want to know why? Because those advertisers pay for this shit, and so you want to know how you can help me click subscribe. Don't sit there and be a free loader. That's not cool. That's not what your friend Mel Robbins needs. I need you to do your side of this, which is click subscribe. Why? The more subscribers I have, the more advertisers we attract, which means the more videos we can create for you, don't be a freeloader in life. Hit subscribe, help a lady out, and then everything that you learned today from the OG of happiness, you better fucking put it to work because it doesn't work for you to just watch me. You got to stop watching and start doing. Well actually keep watching, but also do alright, let's join back in with your friends that listened to the ads.

 

(01:07:08):

Boom. Back to the show. I want to highlight a couple takeaways because there was so much that we covered and it wasn't in a very orderly I'm robot asking questions that the PR company gave me. That's not how we do this on the Mel Robbins podcast, so let me just make sure that you have the succinct takeaways. First of all, it's very clear that we should have one word, and the word for happiness should be meaning, happiness and joy, meaning happiness and joy. What I got from that is it's all the same thing, pleasure, laughter, going out and blowing off some steam with some buddies on the weekend. These experiences that make you laugh or swipe, those are great, but what Sean and I are talking about to you today is something way deeper and we're talking about you having an experience in your life that no matter what the fuck is going on, that you have this greater perspective and you have this connection to values and meaning and other people.

 

(01:08:23):

That happiness when it's tied to meaning and joy and connection to other people, that it is a life jacket that keeps you afloat in hard times and it is almost like the dial on a stove that you can turn up to really get the water boiling when things are great, it's an accelerator, it's an amplifier, and it's also a lifesaver. I'm going to stop thinking about this as some emotion I feel, and I'm going to start thinking about it as a framework through which you live your life, that you are doing the work to create greater meaning. If you even just think about the four habits he taught us, if you list them off generically, you're like, duh. But if you really stop and consider the deeper thing we're talking about here, we're talking about shortcuts to deeper meaning in your life, and if you drill down into decades of psychological research, let's just even put aside all the research that Sean's team's been doing.

 

(01:09:22):

Every one of these taps into bodies of research that have been performed for decades that ladder up to us knowing that they will help you create more meaning in your life. They will be the amplifier and they will also be the life jacket when shit gets hard, and so I just want to remind us all of them. It's this journaling practice of naming three things you're grateful for in the last 24 hours and you can't repeat 'em for 21 days. And he said the value in that is it forces you to scan. It's very similar to the things that we talk about here, like looking for three wins or looking for hearts. You are actively scanning the environment to see something positive. The high five habit is actively looking at yourself and treating yourself different, and Sean was saying it's in the training of the mind to change what you're looking for that creates the meaning and the lift and the impact.

 

(01:10:24):

The second thing that he said is something we talk about all the time here, which is this walk. You're late walk like you're late. Sean recommends 15. I say, yeah, 10 will do. And it's true if you simply get out the door and you walk like you're late, and I tell you that you cannot be listening to anything because I want you to have an experience of being with yourself and I want you to be outside and hear nature or other people or the sounds around you, and I want you to walk late because of the research around how it shifts your mood and how it taps into longevity, and I also don't want anything in your ears because I want you to be present and finally you're going to get the bright light, so we agree on that one too. Another one that we agree on, I tell you every day, text one person a day, reach out to one person a day.

 

(01:11:13):

His is take two minutes and write an email positive to somebody. Exact same thing, exact same research that we're both citing. This is so important. Oh, and I love this one. This one I do not do, but I love this one. We might have to steal this one. You need to set a timer on your phone because God knows neither one of us are going to remember this, so set a timer in your phone to take your hands off your keyboard and just breathe for two minutes. That's a good one. That's a good one. I like that one. Those four things of stopping the multitasking, proactively connecting with other people and reaching out, getting outside and taking a brisk walk and being with yourself and shifting your mood and getting that dopamine, and finally, the act of intentional journaling and scanning for wins and what you're grateful for.

 

(01:12:07):

That's the quad of incredible happiness for you. Now, the other thing that we talked about is that there's a huge swing here. If you are happy all the time, you're not normal and you're not healthy, you're probably manic, okay? A normal, healthy, mentally healthy person has days where they feel connection and meaning and joy and days where they're swimming in the fricking toilet, okay? You can't have one without the other. Really, what we're talking about is using these habits and a mindset switch to throw on a life jacket so you can float in a toilet and climb your way out of there, and on those days where you are experiencing meaning and joy that you're fucking present so that you actually can feel those core memories. That's what he was saying. Alrighty, I love you. I want to make sure that I don't end this without telling you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to just ride the wave, experience those core memories, create deeper meaning and joy in your life.

 

(01:13:27):

Reach out for help when you're having a bad day and tap into this advantage that we've just given you. One of the OGs of happiness just handed you the keys, and now you got to grab 'em, stick 'em in the lock, turn it, and push a door open to a happier you because happiness is an option. I love you, okay? Am I okay, Jesse to go? Yeah. Okay. Ooh, I guess I'm not happy about that. There's something in my throat. Okay. Wow, that is a big truck going by. You know what? I'm not happy that the truck is going by, but I feel a lot of joy in my heart because we're making progress on this episode and you can feel, oh my God, okay, I have to take this up. I've been harassing her. There is the truck again, my God. Leave it to Mel to schedule podcast tapings on a construction day.

 

(01:14:30):

We're going to do something a little different today, and I don't know if we've told you this or not. I like to invite you onto the podcast and then completely surprise you by what we're doing, so you feel very uncomfortable. Just kidding. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.