Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People (Steal This!)

Amy (16:48):

Family

 

Mel Robbins (16:49):

Or your family, yeah, that's a good one. Or whatever. You went to college together. When the bond that brings you together all the time disappears, it's on you to keep the caring and the interest and the outreach alive because that's what the friendship actually is. And so I want you to understand that all those people that you used to hang out with, that you used to feel that bond with, they're still there and they're thinking you left. And you have an opportunity to flip your thinking and realize it's literally about reaching back out. It's literally about getting very intentional about the reconnection. Because the last three years and everything that we've all been through, I think evaporated the bond that brought most of us together in real life with our friends. And so that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two is that this is possible in your life. You can have an experience in your adult life that your entire adult life when it comes to friendship is a camp experience. That you're in it with other like-minded people, that you're having fun, that there are activities. And if you want that, then get the shovel out and start planting some seeds. And today I'm so excited to share with you this framework around coffee shops because I think this is a simple way to get your butt out of the house,

 

(18:29):

Especially for those of you like the three of us who moved to a new area in the last three years, and all the bonds on the old friendship disappear because we're in a new physical location. And so this could be you, this could be you, that you've gotten a divorce, you've changed jobs, you've moved in the last three years, you've graduated from college, you're in a new city, you broke up with somebody and now you're single. All these things that evaporate bonds, your friends are still there, number one. Number two, you can make new amazing friends too.

 

(19:03):

And when we come back, I got to take a quick pause and eat this fricking pastry. And you got to hear a word from our amazing sponsors. When we come back, I'm going to unpack this amazing coffee shop example to how you, yes, you can start to create the best friends you've ever had in your life as an adult. We'll be right back, can wait. Awesome. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. Got my arm around you. We're going for that walk. We're having pastries this morning. Amy and Jesse have joined us. This is one of these impromptu episodes. I cannot get the information out of my mouth fast enough.

 

Amy (19:40):

Yeah, you got a lot to say.

 

Mel Robbins (19:41):

I have a lot to say.

 

Amy (19:42):

You have a lot to say. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about friendship and coffee houses. It seems like a low lift,

 

Jesse (19:49):

Right?

 

Amy (19:49):

Seems like something achievable.

 

Mel Robbins (19:52):

So

 

Amy (19:53):

Okay,

 

Jesse (19:53):

Tell us what you got, Mel.

(21:11):

And so it's reduced exponentially the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you got to create the bond. And what I realized in moving to a new town in the last year or so is that it's hard to find people. Where am I finding my people? And I don't want to seem like a desperate stalker. So how do I find my people? And when I'm out in public trying to create this bond, how do I approach without seeming creepy? How do you do that if you're introverted? This is weird because you also, unlike, it's not like we're all freshmen in college again, because people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area. You don't know if they've been here forever.

 

Jesse (21:59):

Are they tourists? Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (22:01):

I

 

Jesse (22:01):

Don't know.

 

Mel Robbins (22:02):

And so we sort of opt out of these opportunities and that's where the coffee shop comes in. So first I want you to think about your town, and I'm going to tell you something that's true that you've probably never thought about. There are four types of coffee shops in your town.

 

Jesse (22:20):

Okay?

 

Mel Robbins (22:21):

There is the chain. So Dunking Donuts, honeydew Starbucks, insert your favorite chain.

 

(22:29):

And that's one type. There is the first responder coffee shop. And I'm going to explain more about that. That's where the EMTs, the volunteer fire folks, the police officers, they're all gathered there every morning. There is the kind of the neighborhood local coffee shop, which is the place that a lot of moms stop by quickly to grab the regular, the carrot muffin, the latte or whatever on their way to school. Or maybe they meet their mom friends after school. And then there's the fourth type of coffee shop in your neighborhood, which is that super kind of high-end one. The kind of place where people wear an apron with leather straps and the pastries look like you would pay $75 for them.

 

Jesse (23:22):

Are you getting a cocktail or a coffee? You

 

Mel Robbins (23:23):

Don't know. Yes. And you have to think about it and identify those four types of coffee shops because the coffee shops themselves create an opportunity to create that external bond that is needed in order to form a friendship. Hear me out. Because all four of those types of coffee shops automatically like the sorting hat and Harry Potter, sort out the kind of people that walk through the front door. Yeah, I could see that. I'm with you. If you think about the first type of coffee shop, the chain, that is not a great place for you to create a bond with anybody that you want to become friends with. And I'll tell you why. Because those kind of coffee shops are very transactional. A lot of them have mobile order, a lot of them have drive-through. And so the entire psychology and energy of anybody going to that coffee shop is get in and get out.

 

Jesse (24:34):

Get in

 

Mel Robbins (24:35):

And

 

Jesse (24:35):

Get out, make it efficient,

 

Mel Robbins (24:36):

Get in and get out. You don't want to be seen. Correct. And if there is somebody sitting in there with a laptop, they are likely going to be sitting there with a laptop not every single day because they will probably be asked to not use it as their local library, but they're likely going to have headphones on because they're trying to get something done. And because that kind of coffee shop experience is so transactional that people are in and out and in and out and in and out, it's a very distracting place to work. And so that while they may serve great coffee, and it may be an efficient way to put a mobile order in and zip in and get your coffee as you're commuting somewhere else, it's not a great place to create a bond. So we're going to just move that off the table.

 

Amy (25:24):

Okay? Yeah. Makes sense.

 

Mel Robbins (25:25):

Second type of coffee shop in every community is what I call the first responders salt of the earth coffee shop. This is where the people that grew up in the town, the old timers, the volunteers that keep our town running, the highway roads kind of

 

Amy (25:46):

Construction workers, I love these road maintenance. They got

 

Mel Robbins (25:50):

The best damn donuts in town and the little cups of coffee. Oh yeah. The little thick saucers. This used to be the diner crowd. Yeah,

 

Amy (25:59):

it's an institution.

 

Mel Robbins (26:00):

It's an institution. And when you're new, it is intimidating as hell to walk into it, even though it's all of the most best. Amazing people know everyone. They make your town run,

 

Amy (26:14):

But it feels like an insider. It feels like a hard casing on top of that, that you have to kind of crack those

 

Jesse (26:22):

And you feel like you have to down there.

 

Mel Robbins (26:23):

Yes. Now, that kind of first responder, salt to the earth, thank you for your service, everybody. We love you the backbone of our town. That kind of coffee shop proves my point because that coffee shop experience where everybody gathers, they're always there having their cup of coffee before work or they're always there after plowing all the driveways out of a snowstorm.

 

Jesse (26:51):

Very routine

 

Mel Robbins (26:53):

That coffee shop has created their bond.

 

Jesse (26:55):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (26:56):

They prove that it's possible. Yes.

 

Amy (26:58):

Never thought about that.

 

Mel Robbins (26:59):

Right?

 

Amy (26:59):

That's a great point.

 

Mel Robbins (27:00):

By sitting there over a cup of coffee and having it be a ritual to start their day together, most mornings their friendship is deepening. And a couple things about this kind of coffee shop, best donuts in town. No question.

 

Amy (27:17):

No question,

 

Mel Robbins (27:18):

No question. Best donuts in town, they probably have a kroller, that big kind donut thing that you're going to dip in. I'll tell you what, they don't have those kinds of coffee shops. Never have a machine that makes cappuccinos and lattes.

 

Jesse (27:30):

You are right. They don't have espresso, right?

 

Mel Robbins (27:32):

Yeah. Nope. You know what they have? They have the kind of institutional coffee pot maker that has the two pots. It's like a metal tea and the two pots with the black handle

 

Amy (27:45):

Yes Mel

 

Mel Robbins (27:45):

And sort of the opaque thing. And then they pour the coffee in. And then they've also got the cream where you pull back the little packets

 

Jesse (27:54):

And you have

 

Mel Robbins (27:54):

To shake 'em, right?

 

Jesse (27:55):

Oh yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (27:56):

So that's that coffee shop. And so here's the thing I want to tell you. If those are the kind of folks that you really connect with, and this is my entire extended family, I come from a line of farmers and machinists and cos and sheriffs and nail technicians and school administrators, people that own bakeries. These are my people. But it is so intimidating when you're in a new town.

 

Amy (28:30):

It is

 

Mel Robbins (28:31):

To penetrate that older, not older as an age, but that old

 

Amy (28:39):

School established

 

Mel Robbins (28:40):

Bond

 

Amy (28:40):

Established crowd.

 

Mel Robbins (28:42):

It's like being a kid and sneaking into the teacher's lounge.

 

Amy (28:46):

It is like that. But if you're lucky enough to do it, they're going to be great people.

 

Mel Robbins (28:51):

You're in good hands.

 

Amy (28:51):

But I

 

Mel Robbins (28:52):

Think that if these are the kind of folks that are your folks, if you just show up every week and you sit down, they will put their arm around you. You just got to start showing up. And so that's coffee shop number two. And I'm so happy that it also proves my point about the bond and that this is possible for you. We're going to take another quick break because I want more of this pastry. Get in there, Mel. And when we return, I'm going to explain coffee shop number three and coffee shop number four. And then we're going to get into some really great techniques that you can use once you pick which coffee shop you're going to try to establish your bond in to make the approach. Stay with us. Awesome. Welcome Brock. Get in

 

Jesse (29:41):

Him.

 

Mel Robbins (29:41):

It's your friend Mel. This pastry is so damn good. It came from coffee shop number four. I'm talking about adult friendship and how I'm on a mission to inspire you to create the best friendships of your entire life. Whether that means you're meeting a whole new group of people or it means that you're taking out the defibrillator paddles and you're going to send life force energy shockwaves into your current friends who you've told yourself are no longer there. Now you're just no longer there. You just got to reach out. So here we go. We're going to get into all this. So I left off at where were we? Number two? Number two, coffee shop, number two. Okay, so we covered that. Coffee shop number three in your town is the coffee shop where it's like the local coffee shop. It's where all the moms go on the way to work or on the way to dropping off kids at school. It's the place where it's bustling in the morning. You got people with laptops out. It is the walk up and every other customer, they're like, I'll have the regular. And the people working behind the counter are like, they know, oh, that means you want a latte with three sugars and you want the carrot muffin to go,

 

(31:03):

Or that means that you want the hot tea and you also want the egg sandwich with sausage on it. And so it's this community driven, very busy, bustling. They're usually busy till 11 because a lot of people meet there after dropping off their kids. It's that kind of place.

 

Amy (31:20):

Yeah. So it's different from number one because it's maybe not a franchise and it's just more local,

 

Mel Robbins (31:28):

The

 

Amy (31:28):

Local feel and

 

Mel Robbins (31:30):

Different for number two, because it's not really the place where you see the established group almost every morning. Yeah.

 

Amy (31:41):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (31:42):

This is the place that if I had to meet you at 10 o'clock to catch up, we'd meet there.

 

Amy (31:47):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (31:47):

You know what I mean?

 

Amy (31:48):

Solid food, solid coffee, you're going to get the right thing.

 

Mel Robbins (31:51):

Yeah, exactly. They got the little punch card. They might even have the alphabetized index on the desk for your cards. You can leave it there. It's like that kind of place. They might convert to sandwiches at noon time, that kind of place

 

Amy (32:10):

And all way more food. And all the teenagers in town work there in the summertime. And you see little Joe who you knew from six months old, now he's 16 and he's serving you your matcha.

 

Mel Robbins (32:25):

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And one of the other things I'm going to layer into this is that, again, the sorting hat reference, certain types of people go to certain types of coffee shops on a regular. I'm not saying that we don't frequent all four because I do frequent all four of these, but there is my go-to that really, I feel more at home in that you want to spend an hour there, you want to spend two. If you could only pick one of the four, there is one that you would pick. 

Amy (33:29):

Strap.

 

Mel Robbins (33:30):

The pastries look like a million dollars. The coffee is strong, the latte machine is the size of a New York City bus and it looks gorgeous. And that is a whole different crowd, a whole different crowd. And one of the things that I love about this distinction is that when you kind of decide, okay, 1, 2, 3, or four, and you can decide that based on if you had two hours to spend, which coffee shop are you going to go to for two hours? You've got a kid that's getting braces put on, you got two hours to kill. Where are you going to go sit with your book? And the reason why this is important is because instinctually in your heart, there are going to be certain kinds of people with certain kinds of interests coming in and out because none of these are better than the other. They just attract a baseline person who's interested in certain things. And look, there are amazing people that go to all four and there are complete assholes that go to all four. It's not about that. It's about the baseline interest in what people like. So that's why the sorting hat is important. And I'm going to go back to what I said about the first coffee shop and the fact that the group of people that are the established backbone of your town that are there almost every morning, they have used that coffee shop as a bond for their friendship,

 

Amy (35:10):

Like a vessel holding their friendship.

 

Mel Robbins (35:12):

If you want to start to make adult friends, park yourself at one of those coffee shops several mornings a week and on one day on the weekend for an hour, how is that going to help Mel? Whatcha whatcha talking about? I'll tell you that's going to help. That's going to help. Time is you're going to start seeing people coming in and out and they're going to be the same people. And you're going to start saying, hello. Oh, I've seen Jesse at Coffee shop number four.

 

Jesse (35:44):

Guilty.

 

Mel Robbins (35:45):

Yeah. Yes. And it was Jesse that told me about it. I had been here an entire year. I did not know that coffee shop number four existed.

 

Amy (35:53):

Wow. Because your eyes were closed.

 

Mel Robbins (35:55):

Yes. To

 

Amy (35:56):

The friendship.

 

Mel Robbins (35:56):

Yes. I was still thinking I was just going to have dirt around my house.

 

Amy (35:59):

I'm not

 

Mel Robbins (36:00):

Going to a coffee shop living in her aunt

 

Amy (36:02):

Farm with all the dirt.

 

Mel Robbins (36:04):

Yeah. Justin, you've been to this coffee shop and I'm not going to name it, I don't need stalkers showing up there, even though I'd love to promote all the coffee shops in our town. But I was like, no kick rocks. No. I walked into that place. I was like, am I in Brooklyn, New York? There's a person with a beanie. There's an espresso machine. There's a pastry that I'd pay $75 for, largely because it tastes like $75. And also the ingredients for me to make this at home, it would take me eight hours. I would burn it and cost me $75 an ingredient. So I'm willing to pay six, $5 for this thing. I think it was what it was. That's a bargain.

 

Amy (36:44):

Bargain.

 

Mel Robbins (36:45):

That's a fricking bargain. And when I walked into this place, I was like, oh. Oh my God. Oh my God. And so here's how this works. This becomes your go-to place when you meet people elsewhere to meet at.

 

Jesse (37:07):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (37:09):

Yeah. So anytime you meet somebody new or somebody introduces you to somebody in the town, you say, how about we go get coffee on Saturday morning at nine o'clock at the such and such?

 

Jesse (37:20):

Yes.

 

Mel Robbins (37:20):

Now here's where this starts to build. As you meet new people, here's what you say. I always meet my friends there at nine o'clock on Saturday morning.

 

Amy (37:30):

You are

 

Mel Robbins (37:30):

Creating an institution that's right there. You're creating your bond in your institution.

 

Amy (37:34):

Nice. Know what? What's hitting me right now about all of this? Friendship is a verb. Oh, 

Mel Robbins (37:52):

Yes.

 

Amy (37:53):

Friendship is a verb. You got to be doing things. It's an action word. You have to make it happen. Hitting me right

 

Mel Robbins (38:00):

Now. Good point. And the more you go there, the more you start to know the staff and the owners

 

Amy (38:05):

Good.

 

Mel Robbins (38:05):

And then you'll see who else knows the staff and owners. And then that gives you an in. Don't you just love this place? How long have you known so and so and so? And here's another way that you can strike up a conversation. If you're standing in line, turn to the person next to you and ask them, what's the best donut? What's the best muffin? What's the best pastry here? What do you recommend? That's your in. That's your in. And here's the other reason why I don't like category number one for this kind of friendship building. And the reason why is it's so transactional. Who in their right mind turns to anybody at a Starbucks or knocking donuts? It's like, what donut do you recommend? No. You're like, idiot. They've had the same ones for a decade. What do you mean with ones have you've never been here, the menu has not changed. And plus you don't know if they're just driving through on their way somewhere else.

 

Jesse (38:55):

It's a pit stop.

 

Mel Robbins (38:56):

Yeah, it's a pit stop. And so this allows you to start to create that bond. It gives you a place where you're always going to say, you meet people on Saturday mornings there at nine o'clock in the morning, and that's your parking spot. Wow. That's your bond. And then you tell people that every time you meet them there. And then people start to bring their friends. And that's how it starts to grow. And here's another tip. If you're shy and if you have trouble approaching people, here's the best way to approach for anybody. Look at something the person is wearing or look at some feature like glasses or nails or a hairstyle or hair or color or braids or whatever it may be. Earrings or weave. Yeah. S earrings. Jewelry. 

Amy (39:50):

Literally light up like a light bulb. They do. They do. They do. I know I do. Right? Yeah. So everybody else must too. Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (39:58):

Yes.

 

Amy (39:58):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (39:59):

Yes. And if you're new, I would say this all the time to people, I'm new here. What do people do here? Or even if you're not new somewhere, you can say to somebody, I've lived here a long time, but these last three years, I think I've kind of become a little bit socially awkward. I've fallen out a loop of what's going on, what's going on this weekend around here. And here's what's super cool about that. Let's go back to the way that coffee shops work is sorting hats. If you ask somebody that it's Starbucks, the likelihood is they're going to shrug their shoulders and I don't know. And then they race off. They're just coming in for their mobile order. Yeah. Too

 

Jesse (40:31):

Busy. Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (40:31):

You go to coffee shop number two, those folks are going to tell you something super fun. Oh, well, there's a tractor pull over at such and such. There's potluck. Yeah. Yeah. Or there's a whatever there is or there's a something going on over at the, there's a bingo night or this side. I'm not saying any of this is good or bad, I'm just saying it's a type of thing. Or there's a huge IT pizza fundraiser thing going on for the local fire department singing the job. If you go to coffee shop number three, it'll be like, oh, well, there's a art fair at the school

 

Jesse (41:08):

This weekend. Birthday

 

Mel Robbins (41:08):

Party. Yeah. Those kind of things. Something going on at the library. You go to number four, it's like, oh, well there's a mushroom foraging such and so opening, or there's an author coming to the bookstore. And so again, because it's a sorting hat of what people are interested in, you're pulled in for the aesthetic. You're pulled in for the type of food, you're pulled in for the vibe. But those kind of folks that kind of love those sort of things tend to have certain kind of events that they go to. And so you're also then going to get recommendations that also feel like it's something you actually might want to do. Right.

 

Amy (41:46):

Well, and what I'm also getting from this is that it's a better spot to make conversation at number four, not transient, where people are going in and out. It's not institutionalized. It's not focused around maybe kids or work or something like that. It's a great place to strike up a conversation. So go where

 

Mel Robbins (42:07):

It's a little bit easier, I think. And here's one more recommendation that has really helped me. And again, I think I've demonstrated over and over that I can put myself out there. I don't give a shit. It's an emergency to solve the loneliness problem. And so I have no problem because I have no problem going up to people and saying, 

Jesse (43:15):

Point.

 

Mel Robbins (43:16):

And then if people say, yes, I get their cell phone right? Then I text them right then and here is a power move. You say, make fun of yourself. And the second I walk out of here, I'm going to forget what you look like. So why don't we take selfie? So we remember

 

Jesse (43:33):

That's a good idea

 

Mel Robbins (43:34):

This moment. And so that when I text you, you're not like, who is this freak from the coffee shop? What are you talking about? Yeah. Love that. And so that is a major thing. And I say that because for the first six months I started using this coffee shop strategy on adult friendship. I didn't do that.

 

Amy (43:56):

The selfie thing, you didn't

 

Mel Robbins (43:57):

Do that. Yes. And then weeks would go by and somebody would text and be like, Hey, you want to meet to the bakery? And I'm thinking, who the fuck is this? I give my name too. And then I've got a DH, adhd, so I would've deleted the text chain. I'm like, who the fuck is this? And now you're embarrassed like, alright, what's your name? And then you walk in and you're thinking, okay, what person?

 

Amy (44:17):

Yeah, that's not a good start to the friendship. So you smoothed it out a little bit with the selfie thing. I think that really is a power move. Yes. Yeah. Really good. And that also shows you're super determined. We're getting together.

 

Jesse (44:29):

I I'm going to see you again. I'm going to see again.

 

Mel Robbins (44:31):

Yeah, I like that. Yes. And I have one final tip. I can't wait to hear it. And should I wait for the construction vehicle to go by? Are we hearing the beeping? Actually, maybe the beeping. Everybody is trying to get you to go deep, deep, deep. This is really important.

 

Amy (44:45):

Attention,

 

Mel Robbins (44:46):

Attention,

 

Amy (44:46):

Attention.

 

Mel Robbins (44:47):

Let's go back to my original desire. My desire is that your life as an adult feels like summer camp.

 

(44:54):

And the reason why I say that, even though I got homesick and left early at every summer camp I ever went to, is that the one thing that's really great about summer camp or college is that you're constantly rolling out bed and it's like, Hey, let's go grab a meal. Hey, let's go to coffee shop. Hey, you want to go on a hike? You walk down the hallway and next thing you know you're brushing your teeth next to somebody and you're then walking to the dining hall together. It's like constant kind of just bumping into people and energy around it and fun, spontaneous, fun. So one thing that I've started taking on more and more, and I stole this from friends of mine that I think are hilarious, is that I try to lighten up every single group chat that I'm in with memes, with funny ass photos. And it works wonders when somebody texts you like you want to get together, I will literally take the ugliest selfie and be like, absolutely. But not right now. I haven't even gotten dressed for the morning yet. That kind of thing. Or you want to meet for coffee? Yeah. I'm so excited to see you. I'm coming in my pajamas and I'm not kidding. And then I take a photo

 

(46:12):

That sort of, I'm in camp again. I'm having fun again.

 

Amy (46:16):

You are.

(46:44):

Right. You know what I'm saying? I love that. And then I'm like, oh my God. This morning you guys, this morning, was it, what happened? Whatcha talking about? Oh my God. Well first of all, I've already told you, I woke up, I did my ABCs, I got up out of the bed, I drank my water, I made my bed. I was about to go out for a walk. I pick up my phone and there is this literally long text chain of Amy and David going freaking off with each other at five 30 in the fricking morning on a Friday. On a Friday. It's Friday. People, you got to double down. Literally. Come on, they're going. I'm trying to think. Ooh, that is started at 5:06 AM with a video from David that

 

Jesse (47:33):

Was in my REM cycle then.

 

Mel Robbins (47:34):

Geez, of the mist in the valley, my home, sweet home. Amy says, I just can't, I was just thinking about you. He's like, I'm good. I'm ready. Amy's like super. What are the weekend plans? David's like, get my health and wellness underway. Start figuring my business out. Relax, blah, blah, blah. What time is the card pull?

 

Amy (47:57):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (47:58):

Amy pulls cards. As you know, Amy's like jumping right in. Super pulling the card at 6 45. Guys, I'm sleeping as all of this is going on. David's like, oh, all my poems are now edited. So I'll probably get after that. They're still going, you guys, it's not even six o'clock at six 20. Six 20. I wake up and I see the last thing, which is, Mel, get in here if you're up. I'm like, I love these people. So we text back in the morning, it's sudden, and then just walk

 

Jesse (48:29):

To your cabin and start

 

Amy (48:30):

Waking up. Well, David did. He came over to my house and we did a walk, go to the cabin in the morning.

 

Mel Robbins (48:35):

It really is

 

Amy (48:36):

Like a cabin.

 

Mel Robbins (48:37):

I said, I feel like I'm in college or a camp. I just fucking love you guys.

 

(48:41):

And then I said that I'm going to head off to this Pilates class and then I'm going to stop for an 800, 800,000 calorie pastry. And then David's like, Mel, this is way better than camp. It's fucking amazing. We can have wine here. And then what time are we talking now? That sounds like David. Seven. What time? Seven. Okay. I love this. Then I walk into my number four coffee shop and guess who's there, David? And then guess who pulls in you, Jesse. And then guess who pulls in? Maxine, our other friend. No way. Because she was having a meeting there. Oh, of course. Of course. Where do you go to have a meeting?

 

Amy (49:25):

Number four, baby.

 

Mel Robbins (49:26):

Well, yeah, or number three or number two or whatever. Number two. But just don't go to number one. Yes. Because you're not going to establish the bond there. Right? How freaking cool is this? So cool. And this is available to you. What did you two get out of this conversation?

 

Jesse (49:42):

So I want to say easy. It's easier than we think, than we give it credit for. And I think it helps in our small little town that you can remember people's names and you're going to bump into someone, but I never did this. Even in the city when I have access to 10 coffee shops, never tried because you just stayed in your bubble. But here, it's so special having this and I'm with you, it's just so cool to go to a place and be like, oh yeah, there's my friend, and then I'm going to bring another friend here. I'm trying to meet someone this weekend for coffee.

 

Mel Robbins (50:13):

Nine o'clock Saturday morning,

 

Jesse (50:14):

I'm going to take her to number four.

 

Mel Robbins (50:16):

I'm meeting at nine o'clock Saturday morning, tomorrow morning. Done.

 

Amy (50:19):

Nice. Okay, I will. I'll do that right before I go to Jane's game.

 

Mel Robbins (50:23):

Jane's soccer game.

 

Amy (50:24):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (50:25):

And so to those of you that live in a bigger city, here's the thing though. Your neighborhood has all these places and your favorite place to go exercise has all these places around it

 

(50:39):

And your kids' school or your office has these four places around it. And so get intentional because getting serious about adult friendship, which means a stop lying to yourself. You do have friends, all those people that were your friends that you saw all the time, and those bonds that kept you in proximity that have disintegrated, your friendships are still there. It's on you to reach out. Number two, use the coffee shop model. Use the coffee shop model and get intentional about this. And you be the first and you be the one pushing it and you bring the fun. Number three, approach, approach, approach. Just be interested in people. Be open, make sure you get their contact information. Take a selfie, at least take a photo of the pastry or whatever so you can remind them. 

Amy (51:43):

I think so. And I think what I love about this is it's something you do anyway. You're having your cup of coffee anyway.

 

(51:51):

Are you going to do it alone or are you going to do it with other people? Like you said, Mel, you're going to exercise anyway, are going to do it alone, or are you going to do it with other people? I was talking to my mother-in-law who was talking about how she used to get together with her girlfriends and fold laundry together. You're doing it anyway. A laundry party. Yes. How cool is that? You're cooking dinner anyway. Why not invite a friend? Have both your families come on over, enjoy the time together and make it a friendship moment or weeding. I love if we traded

 

Mel Robbins (52:21):

Weekends. Do we talk about that?

 

Jesse (52:23):

I love weeding.

 

Amy (52:24):

Yeah.

 

Mel Robbins (52:25):

Or you do

 

Amy (52:26):

When you were painting your

 

Mel Robbins (52:27):

House. Well, if you want to come here to weed, I'll come to your house and do something else. I can't stand weeding something

 

Amy (52:32):

That you

 

Mel Robbins (52:33):

Don't love.

 

Amy (52:33):

I remember when you moved in and you were painting your house, and I was like, I got to get after that because I love, I was like, you're crazy love painting. You're just being sweet

 

Mel Robbins (52:41):

Help. You're serious. I love cutting a

 

Amy (52:43):

Room. I never did it just to be completely transparent on this podcast, but I really feel like those are those moments like you and I standing side by side with paint brushes and getting crap in our hair and you know what I mean? And Myrtle walking through the paint.

 

Jesse (52:57):

Hi mert.

 

Amy (52:57):

I just think that those are moments that are way better than let's all go to, I don't know, a restaurant or something that feels fancy. Those plain spoken moments are way better.

 

Jesse (53:11):

And I loved what you said, that friendship is a verb, was a really, really good point as well. Amazing. It takes a lot of, not a lot, but it takes effort and action and yeah,

 

Mel Robbins (53:22):

We're not in first grade anymore.

 

Jesse (53:23):

We

 

Mel Robbins (53:23):

Don't just show up in class. You know what, and this is my final note, it could be way more fucking fun. The best years of your life and the best friendships are ahead of you. So get your ass number one, number two, number three, or number four, and start. Make it on people. Alrighty. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I want you to have this much fun in your life. You deserve to have this much fun and you can create it. Give it a year. Keep chipping away at it and you will find your people because I just did. And whoa, God, is it amazing? All right. I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh God, we got to get a knife. Holy cow. I have a pastry. I have a fork

 

Amy (54:01):

In my

 

Mel Robbins (54:01):

Backpack. Do you think a fork will cut through that? You carry a fork? I do. Okay. Like a metal fork.

 

Amy (54:07):

It's a fork from your house that I meant to return yesterday that I

 

Mel Robbins (54:10):

Didn't return. Oh, now you're stealing shit from my house. Whoa. I feel like my dog must feel when he is staring at the dog food that I'm mixing up, I literally feel my mouth salivating as you're doing

 

Jesse (54:24):

That, I realize I haven't blinked, just staring at

 

Mel Robbins (54:28):

It. Excuse me. I'm so excited that I'm choking myself here with my own air, and that's probably a vacuum that somebody can hear hitting me. I don't know if you can hear the vacuum in the background, but things are getting cleaned here. We're cleaning up. Good job, Oakley. Should I wait for the construction vehicle to go by? Are we hearing the beeping? Actually, maybe the beeping. Everybody is trying to get you to go deep, deep, deep. This is really important.

 

Amy (54:52):

Attention, attention, attention.

 

Mel Robbins (54:54):

Yep. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, bye. God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.