How to Make Next Year the Best Year: Ask Yourself These 7 Questions

(00:39):

Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am thrilled that you picked this particular episode to listen to because you and I are about to do a process that I call the yearly audit. It is something that my husband and I have done for 20 years. We now do it with our kids. It is a game changer, and I first talked about this a year ago on the podcast. More than a million of you did an annual audit. You loved it. You loved how empowered you feel. We are going to do it again. And if you're brand new, and this is the first episode that you've ever listened to with the Mel Robin podcast, let me tell you something, you have picked a winner. I want to welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. I love that you're here for this because you know what this tells me?

 

(01:26):

It tells me you're the kind of person that not only values your time, but you want to make next year one of the best years of your life. And what we're going to do today is I'm going to walk you through seven questions that will help you audit the last 12 months of your life. Because one of the things that I've noticed over the years is that everybody makes the same mistake whether they're making New Year's resolutions or they're setting goals for the next year, or they're doing business planning, we're so obsessed with looking ahead and manifesting and setting goals and wiping the slate clean that we jump over one of the most powerful and important and critical parts of planning. And what is that thing that is critical? It's understanding where you are right now. See, if you just simply look ahead, you're going to be like, oh, I want to do this and I want to do that, and I want to do the other thing.

 

(02:17):

But you're missing all the wisdom from the last 12 months. In fact, I guarantee you, because I'm going to prove it to you when I ask you these seven questions. You don't even remember 95% of the things that happened in the last 12 months. Me either. This process is going to help you review what happened and all the experiences, the highs, the lows, the lessons, the wins, the losses, and we're going to pull it all together and you're going to go, oh my gosh, wow. And from that place, you're going to be able to create a set of directions for how you make your next year the single best year of your life. And this is important because it's personal. It's personal. What's going to make your next year one of the best years of your life? And I'm not going to allow you to make that mistake of not taking a beat and tap in the brakes and spending the time digging into what your own life has to teach you about what will make for the best year of your life.

(04:04):

Where are you and where do you want to go? I'm going to walk you through this process that helps you understand exactly where you are because when you're really present to everything you've learned and experienced these last 12 months of your life, you not only know exactly who you are and where you are. You're going to be very clear about what you want and what you don't want. And I know things are a little crazy right now. I know there's a lot of you that feel uncertain based on where you may be living in the world. I know that there's a lot in the news that can feel a little overwhelming, but I'm going to remind you over and over and over again when you focus on yourself and when you focus on your actions and when you focus on your own life, what's within your control, your life is going to get better.

 

(04:49):

You will feel more in control, and you will start to feel yourself truly moving your life and your career and your relationships in the right direction. And that's exactly what we're going to be doing today. Before we jump into this, I just want to tell you a little bit about how this is going to roll. If you're listening to me as you're walking right now or you're driving a car, you're not going to be able to write anything down, and that's okay. All I want you to do is just listen and think about your answers to these seven questions, because once you listen through this process, you're going to want to come back with a piece of paper or perhaps your laptop, and you're definitely going to want to come back and have your camera roll with you on your phone, and you're going to understand why in a minute.

 

(05:29):

And you also, as you're listening, might go, oh, I want to do this with my spouse, or I want to do this with my family, which means you can listen through the whole thing and then share it with everybody and then come back and do it as a group. See, I want to have you go through this process and actually get your answers to these seven questions down on paper or in your computer. Why? Well, because to me, if you just keep them trapped in your mind, they're not real. I need you to pull this wisdom and clarity out of your brain and put them either in your computer or in your notes app or on a piece of paper in the real world. And you're also going to need your phone. And the reason why you're going to need your phone is because you have a camera roll on your phone, and we're going to be using your calendar and all of the photos from the last year to jog your memory.

 

(06:23):

Because having done this for 20 years in a row, I can tell you with 100% certainty, you have forgotten 95% of what's happened this year. Are you ready? Good. So am I. I'm so excited. 

(07:14):

I completely, oh, there I am with my best friend from elementary school, Jody. There's a photo of us. We're in Santa Monica. I completely forgot about that. Oh, whoa. There's Jamie Kern Lima. I'm visiting my path. Oh my gosh, Oakley was still in high school, and there he is at a ski race. Completely forgot that ski season was a year ago, and I actually made it to a couple of them. Oh, there I am. I'm getting my hair dyed. Oh, I went out to dinner with friends. Oh, there's my friend's new puppy. There's a lot that I forgot. I forgot that. Oh my God. My friend got a new puppy named Honey. She's now like the size of a horse. I completely forgot that that happened this year. And this is just January. Oh, I forgot about this. Here's another one. I did a yoga class with flamingos walking around.

 

(08:05):

I mean, talk about a crazy experience. And there was this one particular moment where I was standing up and you're supposed to be all still and honest to God, a flamingo came up and put his beak over my shoulder. I mean, that was crazy. I completely forgot about that. And guys, I am only on January 15th and look at how much I forgot about already. And you want to know what this shows me? It shows me that time with Family Matters. Do you see how excited I got as I was talking about these celebrations and these memories? And you want to know what else that shows me? It shows me how excited I got about all the new things that I did. Like the Flamingo Yoga thing, that was one class that lasted 50 minutes, and it's still something that when I see the photos, it brings me a lot of joy.

 

(09:04):

That's pretty cool. I want you to really embrace what I'm saying because now what I'm going to do is I'm going to go to my camera roll, and I'm just going to put in this year 7,000 photos. Actually, there's 6,927 photos when I put in 2024. And as I scroll through this and I start to jog my memory of all of the things that happened this year, what becomes so apparent, and you're going to absolutely love doing this ritual every year of taking an audit, which is really the process of taking your life in, allowing yourself to relive it week by week, month by month, photo by photo, you're going to see just all the ups and downs and the places that you went and the people that you saw, and you might see that you didn't go anywhere. That in and of itself is a really important piece of data.

 

(10:11):

Maybe your life is two same old, same old, and that's part of the reason why you feel stuck and it's going to be staring back at you in your photos. Maybe you're going to pull out your camera roll and realize you only have a hundred photos for the whole year, which probably means you haven't been that present. One of the things that's really cool about doing this podcast is the number of people that I get to meet. And my life wasn't like that two years ago. My life, I felt very isolated in my work. I felt like I was constantly traveling. I felt like I wasn't learning as much as I wanted to learn. And when I did my audit with Chris two years ago, I'm like, I need to change this. Holy cow. I'm seeing another highlight. So our daughter Kendall played at Carnegie Hall, and here she is with her buddy Phil Cook, who accompanied her at this big folk music thing.

 

(11:05):

And just this week she was down in Durham doing sessions with Phil and a bunch of his musician friends in Durham. Based on the relationship that they created in January, it just kind of opens up possibility for you and what you're going to notice. Again, the question is what are the highlights? And I'm seeing a lot of highlights. What happens is it reminds you of what brings you joy. And if you don't see a lot of highlights, that's okay. That's okay because that's data and it's something you can change. And there have been plenty of years over the 20 years that Chris and I have gone through this audit where I've said, this has been all work play. I don't see any friends here. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't see my family as much. I'm not smiling in photos. I got to change something.

 

(12:04):

But I just really wanted to give you a sense of what it feels like to sit down and give yourself this gift of just spending time with yourself and the life that you've lived this last year. So what were the highlights? Well, there were an awful lot of photos about the process of writing the Let Them Theory book. I have been head down on that puppy for the entire year. And so a huge highlight is that I actually got that thing done that two days ago it was published, that the cover is sensational, that the content is incredible, and that more importantly, all those late nights, all of the times I broke down crying, all of the photos of me where I look bloated and my mascara is running and I'm exhausted, and the gray hairs are coming in, and I've been living in the same pair of sweatpants for three days that all of that hard work paid off.

 

(13:03):

And then another huge heartlight, our family climbed Mount Kain, which is the mountain that is the end of the Appalachian Trail. It was an extraordinary experience. And so that just gives you a sense of what does it sound like and what are the highlights? And I'm going to give you one other highlight on my phone. There were a tremendous number of flowers that I stopped and took photos of. And a highlight for me is that I had, for the first time in my life, I had planted a cutting garden, which basically means I had taken the time to plant a ton of tulip bulbs last spring, and this year they bloomed and there were so many photos. I'm literally obsessed with flowers. And what does that tell me? Well, the reason why highlights are important is the things that make you smile, the things that make you look back with fondness.

 

(14:07):

It's not just the accomplishments, it's the things that make your heart warm. And that's important data because you want more of that in your life. If you look at the last 12 months and you can see the things that made you smile or made you happy or that brought you more peace, then you're going to want to bring more of that to your life in the next 12 months. That's an example of how you use your own life as data to help you create a set of directions to what living the best life for you in the next year looks like. And that's personal to you. You may be listening to me going Flowers. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Well, then that means it shouldn't be part of your set of directions, but don't you think it'd be stupid if I don't include it as part of mine? Of course it would be. And that's why we're doing this audit.

(15:45):

There were just, when I looked at the low points of 2023, oh my God, I didn't see my friends at all. Every single photo was work. I didn't spend a lot of time with my parents, with my family. There weren't a lot of celebrations and it was depressing. And when you ask yourself, what were the hardest parts of your year, it's okay that it makes you sad. It's okay to feel the feelings. For me, one of the things that made me really sad is becoming an empty nester. I don't even like that term. I prefer the term bird launcher because the fact is once they fly away, they tend to fly back and they need more money and they have problems they need help with. And I love that it's a sign that they need you and that they trust you. But it is kind of sad.

 

(16:37):

It's sad to not have the energy in the house. It's sad to not have all the kids coming over after school and to had to be kind of quiet. Another really hard part, my dad had to have surgery. It's very unexpected and it's also been hard to see that in the wake of the surgery, which was just a back surgery. It went well. I know you're going to ask, so I'm just going to tell you it went really well. But the recovery, it's kind of a long road and he can't do a lot of the things that brings him joy. So he's grumpy. My mom's kind of grumpy about it. It's not the easiest thing to see your parents getting a little bit older. And so that was a really hard part. Another hard part, not going to lie to you in the Let Them theory.

 

(17:17):

It is a very difficult thing to take on a project that size and it chewed up most of my weekends, a lot of late nights. It was a lot of hard work. And so as much as it was a high, it was also kind of a low in terms of just the hard part. And I'm pointing that out because there are things in your life that are going to make you really proud and are going to be really big accomplishments, and they're also very hard. And understanding that just because something is successful doesn't mean it wasn't a low point. Just because something was amazing in the end doesn't mean it wasn't a project that sucked you dry. It made both lists For me. The other thing that was very difficult for me is our daughter Sawyer went through the most painful and devastating breakup of her life, and she was profoundly depressed and heartbroken.

 

(18:23):

And it is extremely difficult to watch somebody that you love process something like that because you can't fix it for 'em. The hardest thing about grief and heartbreak is you got to go through it. It was also very hard to watch our son Oak apply to a bunch of colleges and just get no, no, no, from the three top schools he was interested in. And again, you can't fix it. And it's an really important thing in life to not get what you want. Honestly, it makes you realize what's worth working for. It makes you realize what's important makes you realize nothing's guaranteed. And Kendall had a very hard year too at points where she was just very down on herself and questioning whether or not being in the music industry was something she was ever going to be successful at. And yet again, do you see the lesson life is teaching me that I can't rescue someone from their challenges.

 

(19:26):

In fact, when you try to, and this is what I learned, and it was kind of a gift now that I think about it, because as all this was going on, I'm writing the Let Them Theory. And it led to an entire section about how when people in your life are struggling, you have to let them because they're capable of facing these challenges in life. And when you try to rescue people from the natural consequences of life and their decisions, and when you try to rescue people from what life is trying to teach you, they tend to drown. And so it was very hard for me to go, okay, let them and let me just focus on providing the support and believing in their ability to face this and to get through it. You know what? It works. The people in your life are a lot stronger than you believe.

 

(20:13):

So you got to let 'em and trust that they are capable with your support of figuring it out and meeting these moments in life. And I'm sharing all this with you because what's going to be on your list is personal, and what it teaches you is personal, but it's also powerful. It's so powerful. I can't wait to hear what you find when you look back and you ask these questions. 

(21:09):

Because regardless of whether it felt good or bad, I guarantee you it taught you something. Guarantee you learn something about yourself. When I look at my answers from last year, they were very kind of pragmatic. You know what I mean? I was like, okay, I learned that the way I've been going about my health now that I'm in menopause, it's not going to work, Mel. You can't just run this off. You can't just starve it off. You're going to have to do something different because doing what you've always done is now not working woman. So you got to wake up and accept the facts. And the other thing that I wrote last year is, Mel, you got to stop managing other people's emotional breakdowns. I was always a fixer. I was the first person to rescue people. I was the first person to throw money at it.

 

(22:02):

I made it my job to make everybody happy. I'm the big reassure. And that insight, that's what helped me this past year to show up totally differently when the people in my life were struggling, instead of jumping in and saying, oh, it's going to be okay, I would just take a step back and be like, let them be heartbroken. Let them be scared that they're not going to make it. Let them feel like a loser that they've been rejected, not once, not twice, but a third time. Let them and trust in their ability to really meet this moment and learn from it and ask for the help that they need. Because what ended up happening is by stepping back, it created the space for especially my adult kids to step forward and grow and learn and strengthen themselves. And that was a really cool thing.

 

(23:04):

But let me tell you, when I do the audit and I think about this past year and these past 12 months, and I look at the photos, oh my God, so you're ready for the lessons? So I learned that I've gotten to a point where I no longer can take the business that I've built to the next level. I have tapped out of my capacity to truly run operations. I'm terrible at it at this point. I was good for a certain point, but now I just have to be honest with myself and realize that I can't do the job that I've been doing anymore and I can't do it well. And that's a really important thing to be able to admit to yourself that maybe you're not a great parent when they're teenagers. That's okay. Maybe you're not great at all at Excel spreadsheets, but you're pretending to be.

 

(24:01):

That's okay. Just knowing that that is critical because when you accept the facts about your own limitations or your own interests or your own strengths or weaknesses, now you can pivot instead of beating yourself up, instead of continuing to slog forward, maybe you've learned that you're kind of selfish. Maybe you've learned that you need more out of your partner and you're not that needy. You're with somebody who is actually selfish and not that nice to you. What you learn about yourself is incredibly important...

(25:05):

And it makes me feel this friction. Any area of your life this year where you have felt friction or frustration, you're in the wrong role. You're in the wrong seat in the bus, whether that's in your marriage, whether it's you as a parent, whether it's how you relate to your roommates, whether it's the job you're doing in your company, there is something about the fit that's not fitting anymore, and having that insight that I don't fit in the spot I'm playing anymore, that is liberating. Then you realize it's not you. It's a process or it's a role, or it's the fact that something has grown beyond your skillset. It doesn't mean you're a loser. Do you know how much courage it takes to go, I don't want to run operations anymore. I really have to focus on what I can do. Or you know what?

 

(25:53):

I've been pretty selfish in this family and it's because I feel like my needs aren't being met, so I'm fighting against everybody and I need to change that. So I learned that I was in the wrong seat in the bus, and that's why there was a lot of friction about and frustration in my work. And that insight is helping me to go, okay, well then what is the right seat and who do I need to surround myself with and what changes do I need to make? Another thing I learned about myself, I want more time with my family, especially my parents. I made that a priority this year and I still did not see them enough. Do you see how looking backwards helps you create specific directions that will help you go forward? That's why this audit is so critical to you creating a plan that makes this next year the best year of your life.

 

(26:49):

The other thing that I saw is that I am one of these people that I grocery shop when I'm hungry. I grocery shop when I'm hungry everywhere in my life. And what does that mean? When you go to the grocery store and you're hungry, you buy all kinds of stuff. You don't need one of the problems with allowing yourself to stay in the wrong role at work or in the wrong role in your relationship because you can be in a marriage and feel like you're playing the wrong role right now because you're doing too much or you're not feeling supported or you're parenting your partner. One of the problems with that is you start to get very emotional and then you overcomplicate and you overreact. And just like when you're really hungry at a grocery store, you overbuy everything. And so I can see that I often get myself in a state where I get so agitated about things that I overcomplicate and I overreact, and I'm tired of doing that.

 

(27:51):

And that's something that I learned about myself this year, that it is critical that I weed out any area where there's friction or frustration and I stay laser focused on the one or two things that I do well and laser focused on making sure that I protect my peace so that I don't take it out on the people around me. And so keep in mind that as you go through these questions, you're probably going to keep going back and being like, oh yeah, that was a low, oh yeah, that was a high, oh yeah, I did learn this thing about myself. And that's why I just love this audit process because you're really cool and you're multidimensional and you're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. And you've learned a lot about yourself and you're much wiser than you kind of realize. And we fall into this trap of just kind of getting through the day to day and staying on the surface.

 

(28:48):

And when you really hit the brakes and you give yourself time to take a look back and consider how you feel and how things impacted you, I think you're going to be shocked at what you actually know to be true about yourself. And once you have all that on paper or in your notes app or in your computer, it's real and it's a reminder that you do know who you are, you do know what you want, you do know what makes you happy, you're not stuck, you're not lost. You may be overwhelmed, but that doesn't mean you can't figure out where you are right now and create directions to move and inch yourself forward in ways that really make you happy and more fulfilled because now you know where you are. Now you're in the present moment. Now you have the last 12 months front and center on the paper in your photo roll in your cells. You're feeling it. It's a part of you. Now, I can ask you, what are you going to stop doing in the coming year? And this question?