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Episode: 429

Stop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead

with Dr. Dolly Chugh

Stop wasting your energy trying to change people who won’t change. There’s a better way.

There’s someone in your life who won’t change and you’re tired of wasting your energy trying to make them. 

In this episode, Mel sits down with behavioral scientist and NYU Stern professor Dr. Dolly Chugh to reveal why people resist change and what really helps. 

You’ll learn the two “bodyguards” in your brain, why it’s so hard to unlearn patterns, how to give advice without making things worse, what people really need in hard moments, and how to stop “helping” in ways that keep people stuck. 

You’ll walk away with a lighter, more hopeful way forward.

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Ask yourself, ‘What have I learned today?’ Not ‘What did I get right or wrong today?

Dr. Dolly Chugh

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Key takeaways

  1. When you know better but still don't act, remember that change requires you to overcome the mind's pull toward energy, old habits, and protecting your identity.

  2. When change feels uncomfortable, remember that you're unlearning what once felt automatic before you can learn something new, so give yourself grace while you grow.

  3. You can't learn from a mistake you're still defending, so stop trying to prove you're a good person and focus instead on how you can improve and take ownership.

  4. When you want someone to change, stop trying to force them; you can model change, invite change, and reward their effort, but you cannot make them change.

  5. Before giving someone advice, ask yourself why you're talking, because they may want to be heard, hugged, helped, or simply high-fived for how hard they're trying.

Guests Appearing in this Episode

Dr. Dolly Chugh

Dr. Dolly Chugh is a behavioral scientist, social psychologist, NYU Stern professor, and bestselling author who studies how people change, learn, and grow.

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