Episode: 436
Let Them: How to Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
a Solo Episode
Learn The Let Them Theory in a brand-new way and take back the power in your most difficult relationships.
Today, Mel is answering the #1 question she’s been asked since The Let Them Theory became an international sensation with 10+ million copies sold:
What do you do when someone you love is difficult and they just won’t change?
All that energy spent on nagging, arguing, fixing, and walking on eggshells isn’t working.
There has to be an easier way. And in this episode, Mel is going to show you what that looks like
She introduces a brand-new three-part framework for dealing with difficult people without arguing, fixing, rescuing, or losing yourself.
You’ll learn the 3 mistakes that make hard relationships harder, how to stop someone else’s behavior from controlling yours, and how to protect your peace even if they never change.
You’ll never see The Let Them Theory the same way again.
Listen on:
If you change just one thing, everything could change.
Mel Robbins
All Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00):
Today on the Mel Robbins Podcast, we're talking about the Let Them Theory in a brand new way, three mistakes you're making with difficult people and exactly how to take back your power. I wanted to have this conversation with you because the number one question, hands down, that I have been asked more than any other question, I'm talking a hundred fold more, is this, how do you use the let them theory with people in your life that you're worried about, frustrated with, or you just find them difficult? Your family, your friends, your mom, your dad, stepson, the person you're dating or married to, you want to change them. You have good reasons for them to change. You keep having the same arguments. You're bending over backwards. It's making you miserable. There's so much unnecessary stress, frustration, and anger. There has to be an easier way. Well, today I'm going to teach you an easier way.
(00:57):
You have control. And in fact, I also have a stack of questions from your fellow listeners and just hear what they're saying, what they're dealing with. I love my mom, but I don't want to be around her. How do I support the people I love without losing myself? Mel, am I supposed to just let my dad not take care of himself? Let my son just not be motivated in his career? Let my boyfriend leave his stuff all over the place? Let my stepmom make my life a living hell? Is that what you mean? No, that's not what I mean at all. Today you're going to learn you have power, influence, and control in every single relationship you are in. And I'm going to give you that control back using a brand new three-step framework and the Let Them Theory. Your life gets better the moment you change how you're dealing with the situation, and we're going to start doing that today.
Mel Robbins (01:51):
When you're in a relationship that doesn't work, there are two people in the relationship contributing to the dynamic. And trust me, I didn't want to hear that either because I personally love to blame other people when I'm not getting along with other people. But maybe just maybe your people pleasing is part of the problem. Maybe walking on eggshells is contributing to the dynamic. Maybe giving them too much of your time is part of the problem. Maybe explaining away the disrespect is keeping you in a relationship you need to leave. Maybe never ever having the hard conversation is what's making the relationship hard. Or maybe how often you're showing up and you're trying to make things better, hoping things will change. That's actually part of the problem. Doesn't it make sense that you should change your strategy? Shouldn't you focus a hundred percent of your energy on the part of this relationship dynamic that you can change, which is you?
(02:56):
See, when you change your attitude or your approach or the amount of time you put into the relationship or you change the way you're having conversations, you have the power because you create the conditions for everything to change. And we're going to talk today about three mistakes that I've made in all of my relationships and what to do instead, because these are three mistakes that you're probably making right now in the situation that you're in. And because every single situation and relationship in your life is personal and different, and I don't have the specific details and I'm also not a therapist, I'm not going to give you specific advice. I'm going to teach you a framework that has helped me profoundly in my relationships. And it's a framework that helps me figure out what the right response is given the specific situation. And that's what you're going to leave with today.
Mel Robbins (03:48):
So let's talk about the first of the three mistakes that you're making in relationships with other people. Mistake number one, you expect someone else to change. You do. And it's a giant mistake to do so. And I'm going to teach you a different way to approach situations where you're expecting someone else to change. And we're going to do it by answering a question from your fellow listener named Teresa. Teresa has an incredibly demanding job. She's a school administrator, and then she comes home like so many people do, and she has another full-time job trying to manage the health of her 68-year-old mother. But here's the thing, her mother doesn't listen to her. Her mother doesn't do any of the things that Teresa wants her to do. In fact, her mother doesn't even do what her doctors are telling her to do to take better care of herself.
(04:41):
And as you listen, here's what I want you to think about. Who in your life does this feel like? Who in your life are you concerned about? Who in your life do you wish would take better care of themselves? Who in your life is just being so stubborn and it's stressing you out? And frankly, it might be scaring you.
Teresa (05:05):
Hi. My mom lives in her own home on our property. She has diabetes. She has liver disease. She does not take care of herself. I cook a lot of meals and healthy meals, but a lot of times she will let them go to waste and eat a drumstick or a frozen burrito or something like that for dinner. I am the only child who lives in town and she lives with me. I struggle between essentially just letting her sit there and rot and trying to help care for her. I'll take days off work to take her to the doctor and she will just cancel at the last minute after I've made the plans to do that. I love her, but I don't want to be around her. She's always so negative, so I am trying to support her in this really dark place that she's at without losing myself in the process and it's hard. Love your advice.
Mel Robbins (06:25):
As heavy as that is, it's an incredibly relatable situation. There's so many people around the world that are dealing with this right now, and so I just want to start by thanking Teresa for sharing such a personal question and giving so many details because I bet as you heard her speaking, you could hear the exhaustion, you could hear the sadness, you could hear the discouragement, and maybe you feel that right now. And there were two things that she said that really struck me. I love my mom, but I don't want to be around her. I want to be able to offer support without losing myself. This is a very personal situation and there are serious consequences if the dynamic doesn't change. And the same is true with any type of situation like this that you or somebody that you love are dealing with because basically you're in a standoff.
(07:21):
You're in a standoff with this person that you care about and the stakes are super, super high. If you change nothing, nothing changes. I'm going to say it again. If you change nothing, nothing changes. But if you change one thing, everything could change. And the one thing you can change is how you show up differently because you are never going to change your mother.
Mel Robbins (07:49):
And so let's talk about this brand new framework that I want you to start to use in any relationship where you have an issue with someone else. And the framework is very simple. It is me, we and them. Say it again. Me, we, and them. And in each of these three different things in every relationship, me, we and them, we're going to look at using the let them theory. What can I control with me? What can I control with we?
(08:16):
What can I control with them? As a way to help you navigate specific situations with other people. And just to remind you in case you don't know what the let them theory is, it's just a boundary. It's the most powerful boundary in the world. It's a boundary that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. So let's start with me. Me means creating space for yourself, and I want you to focus always when you look at me with the positive and what's going well. All right, well, let me tell you what's going well. Give yourself some credit. You're an extraordinary daughter. Your mother is so lucky to have someone in her life who continues to care about her, to love her, to offer support, even when she keeps saying no. So of course this is affecting you. In fact, I think the fact that you're worried and exhausted and frustrated and looking for a different way to approach this is a sign that you're having a mentally healthy response to a very difficult situation.
(09:17):
And so one of the things that I want you to think about when you think about me is creating space for yourself to get support, whether that's speaking to a therapist or a qualified mental health professional who can help you process the stress and continue to talk through the situation. Or maybe you've got a really good friend who's been dealing with the same thing or has dealt with the same thing with a parent or a loved one. You do not need to carry the emotional weight of this by yourself and I don't want you to. That's the me part. This is what's going well. This is what's really hard for me right now. Okay, good. Second piece, we. The we part of the framework is now what do you want to do about the relationship? And it's very clear you want to be in a relationship with your mom.
(10:06):
You want to see your mom get healthy. You want to provide support if she'll accept it, which means in that case, the we part means having an honest conversation about the relationship and how it's impacting you. This is not another conversation about your mother. It's not a conversation about what she needs to do. It's not a lecture about what she should be eating or what the doctor said. This is a conversation about the we and how the we, the relationship is impacting you. There's a simple way that therapist Terri Real taught us on the Mel Robbins podcast to have these conversations and oh my gosh, it's like waving a magic wand. And here it is. You start out the we conversation by saying, "Mom, this is what happened. This is the story I'm telling myself and this is what I need from you." That's it.
(11:03):
Mom, I'm going to have a conversation with you and it's not going to be an easy one, but I really need to share with you how I'm feeling. When I cook for you and the food goes to waste, when I take time off of work and you cancel the appointment, when I see you suffering with infections, oh my gosh, I just feel frustrated and scared and I'm so afraid at where this is headed and here's the story I'm telling myself. The story I'm telling myself is you don't want help. You don't want to make changes. Am I understanding this correctly? Is that how you actually feel?
(11:43):
Then stop talking. And that's the hard part. Stop talking and give her the space to answer. This is the relationship. It's a dance. It's back and forth because you might be surprised and you don't need to diagnose her with anything. You don't need to be her counselor. You're creating space for we, for you to share how this relationship is impacting you and what you need and for you to give her the space to share what's going on for her. And the hard part is who knows what the hell your mother's going to say? She might say, "I don't want any help." Or she might say, "I'm actually just scared. I do need help." And then maybe your next question is, "Well, what help are you willing to accept? Because here's what I need from you, mom. I will do whatever you need me to do, but I need you to tell me what you're willing to do because that will show me what support I'm willing to offer." And if her answer is, "Well, I don't want to do any of those things.
(12:49):
I just want to sit here and eat burritos and what does it matter?" Well, there's your answer. There's your answer. And you could say, "Mom, look, I hear you. I respect. It's your body. It's your choice, and I need to take a giant step back. I love you and I need to give you the dignity of your own experience. And if you ever change your mind, if you ever decide that you do want help, just ask. I'm here and I realize I can't want this for you more than you want it for yourself, and I will no longer lose myself trying to force you to change, and I'm going to stop doing that." Now, do you see how powerful that conversation is? Because you're just having an honest and loving conversation about what's so. That's it. That's the we part. It's about how this relationship between us is affecting me, how you are feeling, that's the we.
(13:49):
And by talking about it, now all the things that you've been kind of dancing around, they come to the surface and it makes things very, very clear. And then comes the third part of the framework, them. You have to let them. Theresa has to let her mother do what she's going to do. And I want to be very clear about something. Let them doesn't mean abandoning somebody, especially if they can't make safe decisions. But if your mom understands the situations and the consequences and she is capable of making her own decisions and she just doesn't want to change and she's going to continue to reject the health you're offering and she'll tell you that, let her. Give her the dignity of her own experience and give yourself your life back. See, your job is not to make your mother happy or healthy. Your job is to recognize what's in your control and what's not in your control and to tell the truth about how situations and relationships and dynamics are impacting you, to make space for what you're feeling.
(15:00):
And then once you see things very clearly, to offer support that you can realistically give and that you're willing to give, that's how you protect your own health and sanity and wellbeing. That's how you focus on what's in your control. And when you act that way, do you see how the whole dynamic changes? You can let your mom make her choices. You're the one that changed. And when you change, everything about the dynamic changes, not because your mother changed, but because you did. And the greatest part of this is you no longer carry the responsibility for her decisions and you don't carry the consequences that come with them. She does. And this framework really helps you navigate what's mine, that's me, what's ours, that's we, and what's yours, that's them. And that is what's going to help you be more effective about how you approach things without losing yourself in the process.
(15:55):
Hey, it's Mel. I have a crazy amazing invitation. I want you to come to Vegas with me and Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah Winfrey (16:01):
And Oprah, please come because it's going to be the ultimate aha experience using the sphere as a lighthouse to really ignite the light within people. They're going to feel something really profoundly with a sense of knowing your greater value to the planet, to intention, to your calling and your purpose. That's the whole idea.
Mel Robbins (16:25):
Holy cow, it's at the Sphere, April 2nd through the 4th. You do not want to miss this. It's going to awaken something incredible in you. You're going to get exactly what you need, connection, inspiration. Holy cow.
Oprah Winfrey (16:40):
Community.
Mel Robbins (16:40):
Your mind is going to be blown. Aha, April 2nd through the fourth, live at Sphere, a call to wonder, to joy, and the ultimate aha. Visit ahalive.com for presale signup and travel packages and you better go fast. I already got my tickets. I'm going with my daughters and some friends. Oh my gosh, I'll see you in the audience.
Mel Robbins (17:01):
And that brings me to a question that we got from your fellow listener, Terry, who is struggling with one of her adult sons who is really unmotivated when it comes to his career. Here's the question. "Mel, I have two boys, 30 and 27, who have both come home after broken relationships. My 27-year-old works a dead end job and has no ambition, while my 30-year-old has a career in government and is fixated on where he needs to be. How can my husband and I get through to our youngest?
(17:33):
We're very concerned he won't ever be successful. He won't listen to us, and I need some guidance." I love this question because every one of us has somebody in our life that we're trying to motivate. We can see their potential, but they won't listen to us. So let's go to our framework, me, we, and them, and let's start with me. And I always want you to start with what's going well, okay? So I think personally what's going really well is that your son came home. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool that he loves you and your husband so much and he feels safe with you that he came home for support after a devastating breakup. I also think it's great that your son is working in this economy, and that brings me to the me part that's not going so well. His relationship's ended. He's living with his parents and he's 27.
(18:28):
He's working at a job where he makes less money than his brother. He feels less successful than his brother. And now you want to know what else isn't going well? His parents, you're also judging him. And look, I get it. You're worried about him and it's kind of eating you up and you're thinking about the future, but it's really easy to have the worry flip into judgment when what your son really needs is reassurance and support because he's judging himself. And that brings us to the second part, we. In a relationship, you can bring judgment or you can bring encouragement. You can bring the expectation that somebody changes or you can bring an acceptance for where they are. Now, when you have this conversation, here's what I really want to caution you about. I would really caution you around comparing him to his older brother.
(19:26):
No two siblings are the same people. No two siblings have the same path. No two siblings are meant for the same kind of life. And when you compare one of your kids to another and you consider one of your kids more successful than the other, it not only creates friction in their relationship, you're now creating judgment aimed at the person who's not doing life the way you want them to do life. And the one thing that will push someone away is judgment and comparison. So let him, let him be in a job you don't like, let him live with you. And you can certainly make rules around what he's got to contribute to the house and the terms and conditions under which he lives with you and for how long. But the one thing I want you to really focus on is the attitude that you're bringing to this dynamic, to the relationship, to the we.
(20:20):
The single most powerful attitude you can have is encouragement, the belief that your son is going to figure this out, the belief that your son is on a path of his own, that your son can become successful on his terms. Here's how you have the conversation. And the formula is this is what's happening. This is the story I'm telling myself and this is what I need. And in this case, it might sound a little something like, "Hey, I see you have gone through a lot. I haven't even asked you, how are you doing with all this buddy?" It's a lot to have your relationship blow up and to move home with us and to be in a job that I can tell you don't really like it. Here's the story I've been telling myself though, that you're stuck and you're not motivated and you're not going to figure it out.
(21:07):
And here's what I need. I need to apologize. I need to apologize for what probably feels kind of crappy, that it feels like I'm judging you. And I want you to know, I know you're going to figure it out and I know you're on your own timeline and I know that you are going to be successful on your own terms and your own time. And I just want to acknowledge that we believe in you. That's the we. Do you see how that one conversation shifts everything? Then comes the third part of the framework, them. Let them, let them figure it out. He's 27 years old. He's got another 50, 60 or 70 years to live and he's not going to be in this job forever. And you know what? Even if he is, so what? And if you stop judging and pressuring your son to be motivated and just let him figure it out, and if you start saying things like, "Hey, I know you're capable of figuring your life out.
(22:03):
Hey, I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need support and you moved home. Hey, it's great that you have a job. It's helping offset the cost of living." People change when they're willing to do the work to change for themselves. And when he finally does decide that he wants to change, you want to know the good news? He's going to be able to take all the skills and experiences that he's developed in this job with him because there is no such thing as a dead end job, period. All work has value. Every job teaches you skills. Every job is a job you can gain experience in, and that brings me back to the one thing that you need to change that could change everything. Start acting as if you believe your son is going to figure this out and then let him figure it out because if you empower him where he's at, you'll be lifting him up and making him feel better about himself.
(23:01):
And when someone feels better about themselves, they tend to do better. See, these two examples prove your life doesn't have to wait for someone else to change. Your life will get better when you change how you're dealing with the situation. And that's starting right now because as you're learning and as I keep repeating, you can't change what someone else does. So stop expecting them to change and demand the change of yourself because when you change your approach to the situation, that changes everything.
Mel Robbins (23:35):
All right, let's jump in to mistake number two that is causing all kinds of stress and frustration with the people that you love. Mistake number two, you let their behavior control your behavior. Think about how often this happens. Your father raises his voice, now you're shouting. Your sister sends one passive aggressive text and now you're in a rotten mood the rest of the day.
(24:00):
Your mom starts complaining and now you feel responsible for fixing your problem. Your friend lays on the guilt. Now you said yes to going out tonigt. You don't want to go out tonight. Their behavior controls your behavior. That's a major mistake. That's why you need the let them theory. You need it as a boundary because when somebody raises their voice or they lay on the guilt or they all of a sudden start complaining about everything and you kind of quietly go, what them, you're reminding yourself that their behavior doesn't control yours. You control your behavior. You get to choose whether you start shouting or whether you respond to the text or whether you take on everyone else's problems. And I want to dig into this second mistake with a situation that Serena wrote in about, and it's related to a friend. She'd been friends with this person for a long time and then Serena started to make a lot of positive changes in her life and she writes in, "Mel, when my closest friend of 17 years saw me grow, she became jealous, cruel, and tried to sabotage my relationship, reputation and confidence.
(25:08):
What hurts most is realizing our friendship may have only worked when I was struggling and she could feel above me. Now, three years later, I'm still shrinking myself in how I dress, speak, post and show up because I'm terrified of being judged, misunderstood or torn down again. How do I stop living in fear of other people's jealousy and get back the version of me who felt proud, confident, and free to take up space?" I love this question because so many of us struggle with this, that one person treats us in a way that's jealous or cruel or nasty and that it impacts you for years later. And I want to just come right out and say, your friend being cruel to you, that's terrible. You don't deserve that and I'm glad she's not in your life anymore. Her behavior three years ago may have controlled you then, but the problem is it's still controlling your behavior today.
(26:08):
You mentioned how you dress, how you speak, how you post. She made you feel small, but you are now the one making yourself feel small. And this is mistake number two, letting her behavior control your behavior. She doesn't control you, you control you. And you asked me, how do I stop living in fear? Well, we're going to use this same three-part framework, me, we, them, and the Let Them Theory. Since you control you, let's start with me. And I want to highlight the good news because I always like you to start with the positive. I think it's fantastic that you recognize what happened and that you can point to what it was that made you start to feel small. I also think it's fantastic and a big positive that you want to get back to the version of you that was proud, confident, and free to take up space.
(27:08):
So now let's kind of look at the hard part of this. You're acting in a way that doesn't make you feel those things. So how would the proud, confident, and free to take up space version of you behave? And whatever that is, whether it's posting online, dressing differently, cutting your hair, do that because you control your behavior. And so the me part of this is let me act in the way that I want to act. And that brings us to number two, we. In relationship dynamics, we always have to look at we, but here's the interesting thing about this example. There is no relationship. You haven't had a relationship with this woman for three years, and so there's nothing to do. Cross the we write off the list because there is no amount of energy you need to be putting into this. The relationship is over.
(28:09):
Now we move on to three, them. And this is very straightforward when the person is no longer in your life. Let them be jealous, let them judge you, let them misunderstand you, let people try to tear you down. Why? Because other people's behavior and opinions don't control you. You control you. Let me tell you about Verizon's brand new simplicity plan. It's one plan, one price, $30 a line per month, even for a single line with their best 5G network for all. That's it. That's the plan. And when it comes to your phone, you can do what works for you. Already love your phone? Great, keep it. Or it's easy to buy a new one or you could upgrade to the newest phone every year for a monthly charge. So let's get this straight. One plan, one price, $30 a line per month plus your phone your way and their best 5G network.
(29:02):
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Mel Robbins (29:27):
But what do you do when someone's behavior, let's say your stepmother, is extremely controlling. I want to share a story about a family friend of ours who is having a very difficult time right now because of her stepmother. Every time she goes to visit her dad, who now he's married to her stepmother, it's tense. It's uncomfortable. On the back of the front door is a list of instruction. There are rules for every room. Don't touch the thermostat, follow the towels just leave nothing on the bed.
(30:01):
There is no form of connection whatsoever. It's just correction, correction, correction, correction. And she spends the entire visit just trying to walk on eggshells and be perfect so that her stepmother doesn't lose her cool. And you know what that means? She's miserable. And more importantly, she's not spending time with her dad in the way that she wants to. And there's a lot of pain that comes with hoping somehow this is going to change. And there's also grief. There's grief attached to this because she doesn't get to see her dad. She's not spending time with him. She's spending all her time being afraid and pissed off about her stepmother. So let's use the framework, me, we, them. Me, what's in your control? What are you creating space for? What is the positives? What are the negatives? And the positives here is you want a relationship with your dad and you see what's happening.
(31:03):
And the negative is what's happening. And yet, what are you in control of? There's an old saying that fish and family both start to stink after three days. You ever notice that? I sure do. You all pile into a cabin for a week. Somebody's always in the bathroom when you need it. Your mom starts commenting on how much coffee you drink. Your father is asking why you're always on your phone. Your brother leaves his things all over your house. Your children are overstimulated. By day four, everybody's fighting about a kitchen sponge. So leave on day three. Or maybe in your instance, your stepmother's such a nightmare, you have to get a hotel instead of staying under the same roof. Maybe it means you got to meet your dad at a restaurant instead of the house where there are a thousand rules to follow and everybody's in a constant bad mood and walking on eggshells.
(31:49):
Maybe it means leaving the house the moment the yelling begins. You have choices and it's important to recognize that. The second part, we, that's not the relationship with your stepmother. That's the relationship with your dad. You want a relationship with your dad. That's why this is painful. You have to have a conversation. Do not have your stepmother present because this is a conversation about how what's happening is making you feel a certain way. Dad, this is what's happening. And this is the story I'm telling myself and it's making me feel a certain way and that's why I need something from you. And it could sound like, and again, this is where it becomes personal. Dad, this is not an easy conversation. I really want a relationship with you. I miss you. I miss spending time with you. I recognize that you're married, that my stepmother is in your life and the way she yells at me is becoming too stressful for me.
(32:53):
And I don't want to come visit and I want a relationship with you and it makes me feel sad. And the thing that I need is I need to know, do you want a relationship with me?
(33:07):
Now if he says, well, I'm going to talk to her because you're right. I have seen it and I haven't said anything. That's fantastic. And that brings us to the third piece, them. Your only choice is to change the conditions and focus on what you can control. See, you're not changing her and you're probably not going to change him. So you have to change how you show up. This is what it looks like to set boundaries and to create conditions for something different to happen. And it's a dance. When you start using let them and let me after years of doing things the same way, you're changing the music. The dance feels different when you're no longer dancing on eggshells. Their behavior does not control your behavior. You control your behavior and that's how you get your power back. And that's the one thing that you change that will change everything.
Mel Robbins (34:02):
Now let's talk about the third mistake. Oh boy, I have made this one in almost every relationship. And that mistake is thinking they should.
(34:17):
Thinking they should is creating a tremendous amount of stress and frustration in your relationship. And from this point forward, I want you to stop thinking they should and start asking if they could. See, you think your husband should know when you're stressed and offer to take something off your plates.You think your mother should know that when she makes a comment about your weight or that you're still single or that you don't want to have kids, that it's ruining your relationship. You think your friend should know that you're upset because she hasn't responded to the text you sent four days ago. They should know, they should remember, they should help, they should notice. And that's the mistake because you now have an expectation about what someone else should do. And that then sets you up for being pissed off when they don't do it. And plus if you're thinking they should, you're also asking someone to read your mind.
(35:14):
Other people cannot read your mind. And if you're thinking they should, you're also making one other mistake, and I've made this one a lot. You're assuming automatically that they could. Let me give you an example. One of the producers on this podcast has a friend who just moved in with her boyfriend not so long ago. And she started noticing that everywhere he goes in the apartment, he leaves a trail of debris around him. The shoes are kicked off right in front of the door. The socks are balled up on the couch. There's food wrappers crumbled up all over the coffee table. But the big one for her, water. He would leave empty water glasses everywhere. I mean, at one point she counted seven empty water glasses in one tiny apartment. She said it looked like he was running a science experiment and this is where we make a mistake.
(36:06):
We think they should do something. He should clean these up. He should know this bothers me. He should know I'm not the maid. And pretty soon, seven glasses of water are no longer just seven glasses of water. They start to mean you don't care, you're inconsiderate, you're trying to torture me. And now you've gone from dealing with seven glasses of water to assuming that you know what's happening in someone's mind and you don't. You know what he did, but you don't know what was driving it because in every single instance, every person is shaped by two things you can't see, their past and their present. And so in any given moment, you don't know how someone's past and how the present are shaping their behavior, even if you live with them, even if you've been married to them like I have with my husband Chris for 30 years.
(37:05):
Now, here's why this is important. It's important because if you immediately assume he's a jerk, you're going to be a jerk when you address the seven glasses. If you take a step back and instead of going, well, he should, and go, well, hold on, have I asked if he could? And there's something else that you and I do. You and I judge ourselves by your intentions, but we judge other people by their behavior. I mean, when you're exhausted and you snap at somebody you know, you go, okay, I'm sorry. I was tired. I'm stressed. I didn't mean to be rude. You know your good intentions, but when somebody else does something like leave seven glasses of water everywhere, it pisses you off, but you don't give them the same benefit. You make the mistake and you say they should do something. They should know better.
(37:57):
They did it on purpose. I'll tell one on myself. Every time I go up to our son Oakley's room, there are literally four plates sitting next to his computer, typically with spaghetti sauce or peanut butter that is now turned into concrete. It's been stacked there like a brick wall masonry project. And there are times I get pissed off as if he's like, he should know better. He should do that. But my daughter Kendall has a great way of looking at things. She's like, mom, not everything's that deep. And she's right. Sometimes the glasses around the house are just the glasses. It's not that deep. Sometimes the spaghetti and peanut butter bowls cemented together on my son's desk is just gross, but it's not that deep. And this is where the framework, me, we, them really helps you manage how you do this. First, me. You got to make space for you and focus on what's in your control.
(38:49):
And the good news is you're living with somebody that you care about, but what's the bad news? The bad news is the mess genuinely bothers you. It makes you feel like you're the only one taking responsibility for the house. And that's okay, make space for that, but you can't control him. So you got to change your approach and that brings us to we. And because you want the relationship to work, you got to say something and you're going to use the same formula from Terry Real, "This is what happened. This is the story I'm telling myself, and this is what I need from you because of how it's making me feel." That's it. Just like you can't read his mind, he can't read yours either. And being able to raise up these issues with one another in a we supportive way is so much more effective than going, "You always leave your crap everywhere." Instead, you're just going to say, "Hey, when I got home from work, there were seven glasses around the apartment and the story I told myself is you think you're above me and that I'm the one that needs to pick up after you.
(39:57):
And I need you to try to remember to pick up after yourself and I need you to really be my partner in taking care of this space that we live in together. It would mean a lot to me." Do you see how different that feels? Now you're having a conversation, not attacking, you're just talking honestly about how the relationship, the we is impacting you and now you're telling him what you need. And now comes the third part, them. Let him. Let him respond however he's going to respond. And that is going to tell you a lot because if he continues to consistently not do what you're asking him that you need him to do, that tells you something. It tells you he's either not capable of it or he doesn't want to. And you've got to ask yourself, is this a person who's capable of doing what I'm asking or are they not doing it on purpose?
(40:55):
Because those are two totally different situations.
Mel Robbins (40:59):
And one thing that I'll share with you is this question of are they capable is really important. I had a very, very frustrating dynamic with somebody for years and I won't go into the details, but I was making the mistake of thinking they should be a nicer person, of thinking that they should treat me a different way because I deserve to be treated a different way. And then it occurred to me through talking to my therapist that this person is not capable of treating me a different way. This person is not capable of making any of the changes that we have talked about when I've tried to sit down and talk about it in a nice way because this person is struggling with a mental illness. And it was very helpful for me to really stop saying they should and understand that they can't because they're not capable of making the changes that I deserve to have made.
(41:58):
And when you create that space for the truth that somebody is just not capable of doing it, whether it's addiction, it's mental illness, it's the fact that they're caring for agey parents and working a huge job and they have absolutely no time to show up for you, it just diffuses everything because you can finally see who and what you're dealing with. It is a mistake to think they should. The solve is asking if they could. And then you go to the formula, me, we, them. And you just take that formula and you ask yourself, okay, what's in my control? That's the me. What's going well? What's really hard? What do I need? We, if you want a relationship, you need to have a conversation. And then them, let them. You're not going to be able to control them, so let them respond how they're going to respond.
(42:55):
And that's why I love this framework because every single person and dynamic is different and this framework will allow you to really see clearly what's in my control, what's not in my control, what's going well, what do I need? Do I need to have a conversation here? You do if you want to have a better relationship and then let them because you can't control what they're going to do after you make the changes that you see you can make.
Mel Robbins (43:21):
See, the goal is not to make a difficult person become easy. That would be wonderful. The goal is to stop making your life harder because they're difficult. And the way you do that is number one, stop expecting someone else to change. You can't change what someone else does, but you can change what you do. And when you change what you do, absolutely everything changes.
(43:45):
Second, stop letting their behavior control your behavior. They don't control you, you control you. And finally, stop thinking they should. Instead, I want you to ask if they could. That's how you love someone who's hard to love without making your own life harder. You can do this. That's how you deal with difficult people and you make your life easier. And using this three-part framework and the let them theory, that's how you take back your control, your peace and your power. And by focusing on changing you, you are going to change absolutely everything. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you, as your friend, that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And there is no doubt in my mind that the framework that I gave you to today and the examples that we unpacked are going to make every one of your frustrating relationships better.
(44:46):
And when your relationships get better, boy, oh boy, does your life get better. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. Alrighty. I know you want to watch another video. Thanks for watching all the way to the end. You're going to love this one and I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.
Key takeaways
You can create more peace in difficult relationships when you stop waiting for someone else to change and focus your energy on the attitude, approach, and choices that are yours.
You gain clarity when you use the Me, We, and Them framework to see what's yours, what's shared, and what you can lovingly let go with greater confidence.
You can care deeply for someone without losing yourself by offering the support you're willing to give and trusting them to own their choices and experience.
You help people feel supported when you replace judgment and comparison with encouragement, acceptance, and genuine belief that they can figure out their own path.
You reclaim your peace and power when you remember that someone else's behavior, criticism, or opinions don't control you, and that you get to choose how you respond.
Resources
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- Mayo Clinic: Setting boundaries for your well-being
- American Psychological Association: Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
- The Gottman Institute: How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up
- Greater Good Science Center: How to Fight Without Hurting Your Relationship
- American Psychiatric Association: How to Discuss Controversial Issues with Your Mental Health in Mind
- American Psychological Association: Caring for Yourself and Your Family Member
- National Institute on Aging: Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: The support of autonomy and the control of behavior
- Zeitschrift für Psychologie: Understanding Psychological Reactance
- Human Connection Research: Psychological Reactance and Promotional Health Messages: The Effects of Controlling Language, Lexical Concreteness, and the Restoration of Freedom
- Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin: Adding insult to injury: partner depression moderates the association between partner-regulation attempts and partners' motivation to resolve interpersonal problems
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