Practical, Proven Tools I Use When I Feel Overwhelmed

(01:04):

And I believe there are simple things that you and I can do based on research and common sense that help us both create a better life. And one of the topics that I just have to talk about this today because I'm feeling it, is overwhelm. I am feeling so overwhelmed today because I have to pack, I have to get in the car when I'm done talking to you about overwhelm. I have to drive to Boston. I am going to a funeral for a friend and I'm giving a eulogy, which is both a huge honor and a massive, massive reason to feel overwhelmed. It is kind of one of those life imitates art moments right now where we were planning on talking about overwhelm. I roll in here behind the microphone, I'm a hot mess right now. I didn't even put on underwear yet today I've got on ripped jeans, a jog bra and a yellow, and I just realized that the T-shirt says mentally elsewhere. And so it may feel a little odd that the person that you're going to have a conversation with about overwhelm is a hot mess with a messy bun.

 

(02:23):

But you know what? I've always envisioned the Mel Robbins podcast to be like taking a walk with a really good friend. And when you take a walk with a really good friend, you show up as you are and you walk and you talk and you sort things out together. And so today's episode I'm really excited for because you and I are going on a walk together and I've got five other listeners that are going to join that walk with us. And as we walk and we talk, we are going to unpack this topic of overwhelm. And I've got this framework that you're going to love. There are two types of overwhelm and seeing which type of overwhelm that you're in, it's going to help you take the steps to deal with being overwhelmed, to become calmer, to tap into your power. You probably notice that my voice is starting to gain a little bit of steadiness.

 

(03:18):

That's because I know what's coming. I know that as you and I talk through these frameworks and as I hear other listeners like you sharing what's going on in their life and why they're overwhelmed, and as we talk about what you can do to face those situations in life, I'm starting to feel a little steadier because I know by the end of a good walk with friends, you always feel better. And I want you to stay until the end because at the very end you're going to hear from a listener named Michelle. And she has so much joy in her voice because she has applied what you're about to learn and what I'm about to remind myself of when it comes to overwhelm. So let's dig into our first question, which comes from a listener named Laura.

 

Laura (04:05):

Hi Mel, this is Laura. And here's my question.

(05:30):

We start our night routine and by eight 30 when my baby boy hopefully is asleep, I feel exhausted. I only want to have dinner and go to bed, but I also want to fit in a morning routine, exercise time to work in the thousand things I have in my to-do list, social life and the list of things that I want to do. And one day goes on and on and on, including meditating, cooking, better food, it goes on. How can I prioritize and adapt a million dollar morning routine to my reality? Should I expect more from myself? Should I push harder maybe at night, wake up earlier, or should I just feel do what I can? How do you fit in time to do all the personal growth when it really feels I do not have the time and physical or mental energy to do it? Thank you very much, Mel.

 

Mel Robbins (06:40):

Oh my gosh, Laura, I'm so glad you're on the walk today because hearing you list off all the things you need to do, I suddenly feel less overwhelmed. Can we just have a laugh about that, that when somebody else is more overwhelmed than you, you're like, oh, okay. Thank God it's not just me. So one of the things I want to say to you, Laura, and to you listening, is that life is a marathon, not a sprint. There are times in your life where it's going to be overwhelming all the time. And one of those times is when you have kids that are not yet in a full school day. I remember those chaotic days of trying to get our kids out the door in the car to daycare so I could get to a full-time job, commute in work all day, commute back out, make it back to daycare in time before daycare closed, and they started to fine you.

 

(07:31):

And you feel like the world's worst parent because you're showing up when the lights are off and your kid is there alone and then get home and then transition and then get them into the, it is exhausting. And one of the big lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to overwhelm is we tell ourselves, if I just hurry, I can fit more in. And right now, your life is not about fitting more in, it's about a level of acceptance for where you are, because I hear in what you're talking about this resistance that you don't have enough time, that you can't fit it all in. And the truth is you're doing the most important thing in the world right now. You're taking care of a small child, you are working, you are taking care of yourself, and that is what you need to focus on.

 

(08:22):

And you listening, you might not have a little kid at home anymore or at all, but maybe you're taking care of aging parents. That was my friend Joanie. Joanie was the primary caregiver for her mother for the last two years as she was slowly dying and suffering from dementia. I never saw Joanie. Why? Because she was in a very draining situation where she was caring for somebody with a chronic illness and all she could do was get up, do that, take care of herself, go to sleep. And that brings me to this framework for overwhelm that has profoundly helped me. And as I explain this to you, I not only want you to listen, but as we continue this conversation and this metaphorical walk together, I want you to start to take this framework, the two types of overwhelm, and not only apply it to your life, but see if you can apply it to the situations you're going to hear other listeners describe.

(10:28):

I am delivering a eulogy. I'm going to be in this legitimate overwhelm until I get through this service. And so when it comes to legitimate overwhelm, the only thing that you can do is to have tools that I'm going to unpack in just a minute. So that's the first type of overwhelm. Now let me explain the second one, and the second one is where most of us live. The second type of overwhelm is lifestyle overwhelm. That's when your whole life feels overwhelming when you're just so used to feeling overwhelmed and busy and to-do lists everywhere and stuff is a mess and things are on the counter and you've overcommitted yourself and you can never say no, and you're always last on your list and you don't know how to get out of it because it's become a vicious cycle. Your whole life is overwhelm. That's the second type of overwhelm.

 

(11:21):

And so Laura, you have legitimate overwhelm, which means you need a strategy to ratchet down the stress that you're putting on yourself. And one of the most important things that you can do in terms of a strategy is you have to tell yourself, this is a temporary period of my life. And what I need to do as a strategy is I need to prioritize my own wellbeing, my own stamina. Because remember, this period of your life isn't the sprint, it's a marathon. And so one of the most important strategies that you need is you need to get more rest. That's it. Instead of piling things on, instead of adding more to your life, you need to get more rest. If it's available to you and you can get help, whether it's from your partner or your parents or maybe other moms in your mom group or that you know that have kids the same age, maybe you can swap time on the weekends so you can get time alone to do something like going to a yoga class or doing something for yourself.

 

(12:31):

But your tool right now is ratchet down the pressure and stress. Remind yourself that this is a temporary period of your life where you are legitimately going to feel overwhelmed and it will pass. And with regard to your question about the morning routine, the million dollar morning routine, which by the way is something I explained in our episode about morning routines, and I will link to that episode in the show notes for you. But my million dollar morning routine, which is grounded in science and helps me feel like a million bucks and gives my days structure, it's 20 to 30 minutes long tops. I don't care how overwhelmed you are, you can fit it in. You get up when the alarm rings, you make the bed, you high five the mirror, you pull on your exercise clothes, you get outside and get a little bright light.

 

(13:27):

And that could even mean sticking your head out of a window if you can't leave your 2-year-old. But you could take your 2-year-old on a walk and you spend 10 to 20 minutes moving your body and you can do that in front of your laptop by streaming a workout. You do those things every 20 minutes and you will feel less stressed, you will feel less overwhelmed, and you will feel less resentment and pressure to fit it all in. So again, if you identify with Laura or with me or with my friend Joanie, and your life is in a stretch on this marathon that requires stamina and you have a legitimate reason to be overwhelmed because of life circumstances, cut yourself some slack, know that this will not be forever. And focus on the strategy of protecting your stamina and doing simple things that help you with your wellbeing. The million dollar morning routine, 20 minutes is all you need is one of those things. Alright, now let's go to Samantha's question. Who has a bit of overwhelm about prioritizing tasks on her to-do list?

 

Samantha (14:40):

Hi Mel, it's Samantha. My question is how do you prioritize everything in daily life without stress and anxiety taking over? I find myself overwhelmed thinking about everything I need to do throughout the day and then throw in extra appointments and tasks on top of that, and then I end up pushing it off in hopes that I get it done the next day. I'm just looking for that happy balance.

 

Mel Robbins (15:02):

Yes, Samantha, I hear you. You have what I call lifestyle overwhelm, and this involves a lie that we all tell ourselves that leads to a lot of overwhelm. And the lie is everything is important. And here's what I want you to understand. If everything is important, nothing is important. All those things that you have on your to-do list do not have equal weight. And so here's what I want you to do. You're going to go from being stressed out all the time because you're giving equal weight to everything, to having a more strategic way of approaching your day-to-day life and the things that you need to get done. And so the tool that I'm going to give you is something that I use all the time. I call it a brain dump, okay? It's so simple, it costs you nothing. You can do it several times a day.

(16:41):

You can add a little pizazz to your brain dump. I personally, I'm so scatterbrained with the A DHD that I just need a blank piece of paper and I just dump it all down there. And so let me think about today what would be on my list? Oh, packing for Boston, calling my daughter to reminder that at seven 30 I got a check in for the plane ticket. I got to make sure that, oh, I haven't even looked at the weather yet, so I don't even know what to pack for Boston. I dunno what it's going to be like in New York when we land there Saturday to support another friend who's doing this concert. Oh, I didn't even pick up my A DHD prescription yet, and I need to get that on the way out of town. So you can see that just like you, I suffer from not only legitimate overwhelm right now, but I also have a case of lifestyle overwhelm that I overwhelm myself because I manage all this crap on my head.

 

(17:35):

So you feel a sense of lifestyle overwhelm, brain dump, everybody get it out of your head and get it down on a piece of paper because when you can get it down on a piece of paper, you can be more strategic about creating a system to get it done. And it feels so good to do this when you're managing all this stuff in your head. This is why going for a walk with a friend is so therapeutic. Not only are you outside, but as you're walking and talking, you know what you're doing. You're brain dumping, you're getting all that stuff that you've been ruminating about out into the air. And when you get it out on a piece of paper by doing a brain dump, just pour it all out there. That's what you need to do. I was about to tell you 15 other things that just came to mind because what starts happening when you do a brain dump is it's sort of like pulling a thread on a sweater.

 

(18:31):

That sucker just keeps on going. So don't be surprised if there are some days that you fill three pages. So now what do you do now that you've dumped it all out on a piece of paper? You're going to take a highlighter and you're going to highlight the three things that you must do today. These are your priority. This is what's important. So what are the three things I need to do today? I need to pick up my prescription, I need to pack for Boston and I need to work on this eulogy. Those are the only three things that matter. And you want to know something fascinating about life is that if you just can dump everything out and you can highlight the three things that really matter that you get to them today, if there's an emergency or if something else is a true priority, have you ever noticed it gets your attention anyway?

 

(19:28):

If one of your kids is sick or a friend needs you, they call if you have to fill up the tank of gas, you'll realize when you get in the car and it's on empty, like mine often is because my son borrows the car and never fills the car back up. If you realize you've run out of milk, you'll realize it when you open up the fridge and you'll deal with it. But it's not really that important. It's not life or death, it's not a big thing. You need to pick the three things that are the actual priority. So lifestyle, overwhelm, brain dump, highlight the three things that actually matter and that's how you beat that lie, that everything's important because when everything's important, nothing is, and you get to say what's important. So pick those things. Alright, our next question is from Cindy. And Cindy's overwhelm comes from the fact that she says yes to everything. I can't wait for you to hear the lies she's telling herself because I think you're going to relate to this one too.

 

Cindy (20:29):

Hi Mel. This is Cindy. Do you have a strategy for not overcommitting for daily tasks? It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out, but it really is destructive and sparks feelings of failure when I cannot accomplish all I believe I should be able to handle in a single day. Thanks so much.

 

Mel Robbins (20:45):

Oh, Cindy, love you, Cindy. I relate to you too. You have a case of lifestyle overwhelm. You have perfectionism and you also put a ton of pressure on yourself. And there's this huge lie that we overachievers tell ourselves, you want to hear it? There's so much more I should be doing. Everybody's doing more than me. I should be doing more. I need to do more. Here's the truth. You need to do what needs to get done and the rest does not matter. And so here is the rule that we're going to build upon. Imagine that you do the brain dump. Your problem is you highlight everything that you just dumped on a piece of paper. And so I'm going to give you this tool. It's called the rule of three. There are only three things that actually matter. And I often say to myself when I start getting a case of lifestyle overwhelm, when I'm trying to add things to the to-do list when I'm putting pressure on myself to do more, when I feel weird that I'm kind of done with what needed to get done, and now I don't know what to do with myself, so I feel like I should do more, Mel, it doesn't fucking matter.

 

(21:58):

It doesn't matter. I'll, I'll give you an example. This happened to me last night. So last night I was scurrying around with a case of lifestyle overwhelm because I'm trying to get through my to-do list and I'm realizing, oh my God, I don't have any clean underwear for this fricking trip. 

(22:55):

And I've always envisioned that we will do a family picture wall on these three walls and I start to think, oh my God, wait, are we going to do pictures that are black and white with black frames or should we do those sort of blow up things that wrap the canvas around the things that are sort of like an inch thing and they're colorful and do I do 'em different sizes? And I start to feel completely overwhelmed and then I start to beat myself up for the fact that I haven't done this, that I don't have any pictures identified that I also let my Shutterfly account go because they just moved to a whole thing where now you have to pay in order to have your pictures stored there. And I have all my old pictures on Shutterfly and oh, now I'm beating myself up about that.

 

(23:40):

And so now here I am with a load of laundry, I have put the basket down. I didn't even realize I did, and I'm looking at all three walls having a panic attack about these freaking pictures and this project that doesn't fucking matter. Pick three things, three things, Mel. The rule of three. The only thing that matters is getting the damn laundry done so that you have underwear to wear while you are delivering a eulogy and you need to, I don't remember what the third thing was yesterday, but I think I got it done. It doesn't fucking matter, Mel, so don't get overwhelmed about what the third thing was yesterday. You know what the three things are today. You got to work on the eulogy, you got to pack for Boston. And what was the third thing? Medicine, right? Oh yeah, I got to pick up my medicine.

 

(24:29):

Thank you, Amy. See, I don't even know lifestyle overwhelm. I have legitimate overwhelm, which means...

(25:35):

It will rob you of just being able to sit down and read a book or go out into your garden and weed or pick up a phone and make a date to go meet a friend for coffee. And that's how this creeps into your whole life. This lie that you say that you got to be doing more. No you don't. The whole point of this is to enjoy your life and catching yourself when you get a case of lifestyle overwhelm and reminding yourself of the rule of three that will help you lower the pressure, focus on what matters, and create more time to just chill and enjoy your life. Okay, so Lela is up next. And I love this because she listened to the episode we recently did that you guys loved. Holy cow, it was one of the most shared episodes on Spotify. I'm so glad you got a lot out of it. And a lot of you responded to the fact that I connected your habit of procrastinating to the fight or flight response that we have when we get stressed out. You know how when you get stressed, you have that fight, flight or freeze? Procrastination is a form of freezing. And so that episode is procrastination. The only way to stop procrastination based on research. Again, we will link to it in the show notes. And Lela had a follow-up question on that. And here it is,

 

Lela (27:01):

Mel, this is a huge thank you. I'm an artist and also I procrastinate and I get stressed, freeze and then end up doing nothing. I heard what you said on the procrastination episode, and I think wearing the stress backpack is super heavy right now, and I plan to shed it today. I need to manage my time better, so now I need to figure out how to get back to my easel and start painting. I can't wait for your next episode. Thanks so much, Lela.

 

Mel Robbins (27:31):

Hey, it's Mel, and I just want to talk to you since you're watching this on YouTube. First of all, thank you for being a fan of the Mel Robbins podcast. You have made us one of the top ranking podcasts in the entire world. Please make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel because it's your support that allows our team to bring this to you at zero cost. And so that's really important, and I don't want you watching this on YouTube while you're driving a car. Will you take me with you by subscribing to the Mel Robbins podcast on your favorite podcast platform? Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, Stitcher. You can listen on Audible anywhere that you listen to podcasts. Please subscribe to the Mel Robbins show. It really matters for a growing show like ours and allows us to continue to bring you all this great stuff at zero cost.

 

(28:20):

Okay, let's go back to the show, Lela. I'm so happy you're on our walk today with me and that you shared that because procrastination is a form of lifestyle overwhelm. And in case you haven't listened to that episode yet, as you're taking this walk with us, when Lela said stress backpack, she's using a term that I used in that episode to basically say all those things that are going on in your life, the things that are causing you stress, whether it's conscious or subconscious, you literally carry it around with you as if all that stress is in a backpack. Joanie, my friend, who was caring for a mom, backpack of stress, everybody that you've heard on our walk today, the demands of their life, the pressure that they're putting on themselves, all of that is a stress backpack and you have one too. And what happens when you feel really stressed out is you can start to freeze.

 

(29:21):

And then what happens when you freeze and you push things off and you procrastinate, you get stuck in lifestyle overwhelm. You're in this vicious cycle of pushing things off and then beating yourself up and then feeling overwhelmed because you're pushing things off that you really want to get to. And so what is the tool here? Because there's a huge lie that you tell yourself when you procrastinate, okay? And I can hear it. And the lie that we tell ourselves is I can handle this all in my head that if I think about it, I'm working on it. Not true, not true. It's one of the reasons why I use that tool of a brain dump all the time to get it out of my head, to not manage it in my head because if it spins in my head, it turns into rumination and nothing gets done just like those blank walls, those pictures are not getting done by me spinning thoughts about it.

 

(30:13):

And so the real thing I want you to understand is that if it truly matters, you have to schedule it. Things that matter end up in your calendar. And so one tool that I want you to use Lela, is ask yourself this. This is a journaling prompt that you can use everybody that I just love. How can I make this easy? How can I make this easy? What's the simplest way that you can make it easier to paint? And for me, I'm going to share with you, I have to do the things that are important first thing in the morning. It's not that I'm not an evening person, it's that by the end of the day I am so wiped out and just gassed. I don't have the stamina or the willpower or the energy to force myself to do things that require energy. David Goggins, who I just love, he has his alter ego.

 

(31:11):

Goggins Goggins pushes himself and has a mental discipline, and I freaking love that, but I don't want to set up my life so that every night I've saved the thing that really brings me joy. I have to summon up what researchers call. We've talked about this in other episodes. It's called Activation Energy. Chick me sent me high, who's a famous psychologist from the University of Chicago, studied motivation and flow states extensively and realize that this resistance that we feel to doing things that we've put off that requires activation, energy and getting out of bed, pushing yourself to paint. For me, it's exercise. And if I put off exercise till the evening, it's not happening. It takes me a hundred times more energy to drag my ass to that Peloton treadmill at night than it does to drag my ass to that Peloton treadmill in the morning.