Beautiful, Healing Words When the World Feels Overwhelming: An Inspiring Episode for Right Now

(02:05):

Would you be willing to talk to me about how we can stay connected to ourselves and connected to hope and to each other in such a scary moment in time? And she wrote right back and said, I'll be there. And she's exactly who we need to hear from. She completed her doctorate in clinical psychology at Duke University and her postdoctoral training at Harvard Medical School's Victims of Violence program, her New York Times bestselling book. Homecoming is all about how you overcome fear and trauma and reclaim your whole authentic self. And Dr. Thema is here to teach you that even when things seem so dark, there is light inside of you, inside of me, and inside of other people. She's here to teach you simple things that you can do if you're in the middle of turmoil right now, whether it's in your family, in your nation, and she's also here to talk to you if you feel overwhelmed by what's going on and you don't know what to do about it. And all I can say is thank God she's here. I need to hear her wisdom and her love as much as you do. So please help me welcome Dr. Thema Bryant to the Mel Robbins Podcast, Dr. Thema, I'm so happy you're here.

Dr. Thema Bryant (03:28):

Oh, hello. Hello. So good to see you.

Mel Robbins (03:32):

It is so good to see you. Thank you for making time for me and for every person listening in the middle of a very, very busy schedule. But you were the one person that I really wanted to talk to today.

Dr. Thema Bryant (03:47):

Oh, I'm so glad you reached out and so glad you are addressing this because everybody is in it. And a part of the way we do that is bodily awareness because our bodies are telling the story. Our bodies are giving us information, and sometimes we are ignoring that. So when I want to know how I feel, then how's my heart feeling? How is my rest? How's my appetite?

Mel Robbins (03:53):

When you really take a look at your work and the research that you've done, the ministry that you pursue, the psychological counseling that you give to people, and I think about your New York Times bestseller Homecoming, overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole authentic self. You have this very unique gift to give all of us where as we're going through something that is collectively traumatic, whether you are experiencing it in your community or you're watching it unfold in the media, there is still a way to stay connected to your authentic self. How do you do that when something is playing out in real time?

Dr. Thema Bryant (04:52):

It is so important for us to learn to honor and be in touch with our own feelings.

Mel Robbins (06:44):

What do you do when you're in a moment in your life where the world around you feels like it's falling apart or is terrifying or overwhelming?

Dr. Thema Bryant (06:56):

There is so much that is going on globally and nationally and locally and in people's own living rooms. And it's really aligns that this week is international mental health day, global mental health day. And so as we look at everything that's happening, a big piece is to release our self-judgment. Often we think I'm the only one that's overwhelmed or I'm the only one stressed out, or I'm the only one who either can't stop crying or cannot access my tears. And so the first message is just that everyone is feeling it. We just show it in different ways. And so we need to create for ourselves a soft place to land. And the way I become a soft place to land is releasing my judgment about how I should feel or how I should act because based in our own life experience, it shows up differently.

Mel Robbins (07:58):

How does it show up for you when you feel like the world around you is spinning out of control?

Dr. Thema Bryant (08:05):

Yes. So for me personally, it's challenges with sleep because there is so much to think about, so much to consider, so much to feel. And then those of us who are parents, sometimes during the day you're on and focused about their care. And once they are that once they're in bed, then you can start to process on a deeper level what you have seen throughout the day. So that is one of the ways. And then another way for me is looking for community and creating connection.

(08:41):

And we know that social support is what we call it, is so key because during these times, people can feel so isolated and so alone, and that we also do need our rest. And so one of the things we talk about is mindfulness or Dr. Shelley Harrell has developed soulfulness. It is this idea of really being present so that when we are questioning meaning or purpose, instead of going to that place of thinking, nothing matters. 

Mel Robbins (09:42):

I love that you said that because one of the things that I worry about is that when the news in particular is extremely dark and overwhelming, it's easy for people to become nihilistic and pessimistic or overly anxious. And I love that your counsel is to really create a soft landing for yourself because you can't lose hope and you can't lose sight of the fact that there is still life to live and there is love and there is goodness in the world, and there are better days ahead. And I don't say that to gloss over some of the very serious issues in the news right now, but I love that you're talking about this because I think about it from the standpoint of if you get too paralyzed by the trauma or you get overwhelmed by things that you really can't control, it's going to impact your ability to make decisions, your ability to protect yourself and your family, your ability to take care of yourself through this period that we're in right now. And so do you have recommendations for how people can stay connected? Because I also worry that people tend to look at the news nonstop, and it's one way that you think that you're connected, and yet it can really pull you into a hole.

Dr. Thema Bryant (11:21):

Absolutely. So it is an integral part of our healing is finding the balance for yourself of I want to be informed but not overexposed.

Mel Robbins (11:36):

How do you know the difference?

Dr. Thema Bryant (11:37):

Yes. Yeah. Well, you feel it in your body where if I don't know anything that is happening in the world, then I have checked out, and so then I'm not informed. I'm not taking my part in this human family. And so it is important to get a sense of what is happening, the overexposure, if I am on a 24 hour news cycle, and especially when that news cycle is visual because the nonstop I am taking in the imagery and the sounds of violence and death. And so needing to give ourselves permission to not watch it all day, that the number of hours or minutes I consume it is not the measure of my care.

(12:30):

And so I want to get a sense of what has happened, especially as we were talking about these global issues, because there's long history there. And I love the humility that I've seen from several people online asking the questions or saying they're confused or they don't understand. And I think even those who feel like they know it all well, often we know our journey Well, what has other people's journey been? So just to say to yourself, I want to know what is happening in the world because I care. I don't want to make that the only thing I consume. And we are such layered complex beings. And so to have the fullness of each other's stories, then we have to see each other beyond the trauma headlines.

Mel Robbins (13:27):

I love that. Is there a difference between the process of coming home to oneself when you are actively in the middle of something that is out of your control versus the process of a homecoming that is due to past trauma or feeling disconnected from your life?

Dr. Thema Bryant (13:49):

Yes. There is a homecoming that happens when we are post-trauma. And the term PTSD was developed with veterans. So it'll be the idea that I experienced child abuse, but now I'm an adult. I was in an abusive relationship and then I escaped, and so then I'm coming home to myself and that piece is over. But there's another type of homecoming when we're talking about continuous traumatic stress. 

Mel Robbins (15:30):

Do you have one or two recommendations of ways somebody could nourish themselves when they're in the middle of it?

Dr. Thema Bryant (15:36):

Yes. So when the trauma is ongoing, one of the ways that is accessible, and I think about that is especially when we are considering globally, that what are the resources that are present? One of the ways that bring us home to ourself is our spiritual practices and whether for people that is meditation, whether that is prayer, whether that is gathering with people of a similar faith, whether that is reading a sacred text. And for some people that may be about connecting with nature. And if I can't access the nature physically, even the visualization to see myself in those spaces at the beach or sitting under my favorite tree, or that reminder of us being connected to that which is greater than we are. And so spiritual practices in the midst of conflict or violence have been a refuge for many people and also a source of hope that things can get better. And then I would also say in psychology, we have what we call narrative therapy, which is the telling of our stories. And so even in the midst of war of conflict of community violence, when we can come together with each other and tell our truths and recognize that we aren't judged or rejected for talking about what we have been through and how it has affected us, we heal in relationship with each other. And so seek out people with whom you can tell your truth and they will honor you for it.

Dr. Thema Bryant (17:44):

Yes. This moment does not have the final say on my life or the life of my community. This is a moment. And so we are mindful that we take in the truth. We're not in denial. We see what is, but we know that that does not mean this is all that can ever be. And then I would also say in closing, trauma affects us, but it doesn't define us. My heart feels the weight, but there is still lightness available to me. There is still softness available to me, and I don't wait for it from out there. I give it to myself from in here.

Mel Robbins (18:32):

Thank you for explaining the difference between how you create a homecoming when the trauma is in the past versus the things that you can do to come home to yourself when you're in the middle of it. I appreciate you validating that it's a collective experience, that whatever is happening there does to some extent happen in here for you if it's impacting the way that you feel. Could you give us a couple other examples of what a soft landing might look like, how you can be a soft landing for yourself in an overwhelming moment in your life?

Dr. Thema Bryant (19:14):

Yeah. So one of the ways is with community care and community connection by inviting authenticity into the space, then we soften it for all of us. So both of us just shared something that could be vulnerable or personal in terms of how this is impacting us. And when we share and when we hear each other sharing, it puts breath in the room. It gives spaciousness there for there to be actual care as opposed to the idea of I just want people for their labor, or I'm not even seeing the people who are in my circle or in my cubicle or in my life. So I create a softer place by showing up with softness, by showing up with honesty, by seeking real connection and real relationship. And sometimes it may not even be people who you know deeply. I had to call today to get my garage door fixed, and the guy who came over is from the region in the Middle East and has been affected and glued to his television. It was like, oh, I'm so sorry for dumping all of this on you, but these moments where we see each other is necessary. And it reminds us of this sacredness of now

Mel Robbins (20:39):

Which also elevates you from the position of darkness to realizing that there is still connection is still love, there is still humanity despite all of the terrible things that are going on. As you and I are talking about this, one other thing I was curious if you had advice about is if somebody is listening and they feel guilty if they're not glued to the TV or they feel guilty if they feel numb or feel like they just can't handle even talking about it, how do you handle guilt in a moment like this?

Dr. Thema Bryant (21:18):

Yes. So one of the things that is important, especially from a framework of liberation psychology, is to seek out how can I be a part of a solution? This might not be a global solution, but how can I do my part in being of service, of sharing, whether it's my time, my resources, my heart, or some people who pray my prayers, what is a way that I can be present in this that is within my capacity? And so I see a number of offerings being made, whether they are posts of support or as a psychologist, seeing psychologists who are offering support groups for those who are worried or grieving about their relatives who are in the areas of conflict. And so given what I have, and even when that's just a little bit, instead of consuming more, how do I figure out how to care for myself and for others?

(22:34):

And that can give us a sense of meaning. And then as it relates to the judgment around our emotions in mindfulness, we talk about releasing judgment about our own symptoms because if I feel numb and then I'm upset with myself feeling numb, I have doubled my problems as opposed to I'm numb and I'm just aware of it that I have faced so much loss or these last couple years have been so much that I'm aware I'm not really feeling, and I can just be aware of that without a criticism, without a judgment. But instead, can I look at that with compassion and with grace to say, given my life's journey, however I'm feeling it makes sense.

Mel Robbins (23:26):

You are such a gift, Dr. Tamer Bryant, and one of the things that I'm going to hold from this conversation is first of all, that visual of being that non-judgmental, soft landing for myself. And you also gave us this beautiful visual of thinking about the input that's coming in and whether or not that is truly helping you feel like your authentic self, and perhaps if it's not focusing on an output of compassion or service or connection to others, that will restore that connection back to that part of you that gets lost when you start to see things around you that are so overwhelming and scary.