How to Motivate Yourself: Leverage Dopamine & Overcome Your Excuses

(00:41):

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you so much for being here today. I'm so excited to talk to you. And the fact is, I have been dying to talk to you about a particular topic. What is that topic? And the thing about self-motivation is that it's something we all want, but it's something that we don't really understand. I mean, I'm sure that you may be thinking about things that you want to improve or change in your life. It's the time of year where everybody's doing it. It's time of year. Businesses are planning big changes. People are thinking about what they want in the next year. And so no matter when you're listening to this, I know that the story I'm about to tell you and the things I'm about to teach you about self-motivation are really going to help you.

 

(01:29):

Because the fact is there are two truths about self-motivation that are essential for you to understand if you want to be able to hack motivation when you need it. Because here's the thing, when you're busy making plans or setting goals or deciding what you want to go, do you feel really motivated, don't you? But have you ever noticed that life has this funny way of taking the wind right out of the sails as soon as you really need the motivation, it's like boom, no wind, you're not going anywhere. And I have a personal story to tell you because this is exactly what's happening in my life right now. I got home a couple days ago, we were down in Boston, taping a bunch of episodes down in our brand new studios. Super cool. Right now I am up above our garage and our little studio in southern Vermont.

 

(02:23):

And when I got home a couple days ago, our son Oakley was about to hear back from his top choice for college. He likes so many kids applied early decision, which means if the college accepts him, he is going to agree to go. It's like a binding contract. And this particular school that he had applied to is going to let all the kids who had applied early decision know by announcing the decision in an online portal at eight o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. So it's Friday night, I get home from a week in Boston. Chris is home. We have a dinner with Oakley. He's so nervous, we're nervous, we're excited. And Chris and I set our alarm. Oakley sets his alarm, we say goodnight, excited for the morning. And for the first time since I can remember honestly, Oakley was awake and downstairs before Chris and I were because he couldn't sleep.

 

(03:22):

He was so nervous and he was so excited to hear back from his dream school. And if I'm being honest with you, neither could I could barely sleep either I was tossing, I was turning, and you've probably had this experience. Maybe you're waiting to hear back on a big job that you've been interviewing for or you're waiting to hear back to see if you've got it into graduate school. Or maybe it's a moment where one of the kids that you love is about to find out did they make the orchestra? Did they make the soccer team? And I got to tell you, I was so excited for him because I watched him pour himself into the application for this college over the last couple of months. I mean, he's been writing and rewriting essays. He's been gathering up the recommendations. He's been working hard to keep his GPA up.

 

(04:08):

And you could tell he not only really wanted this, you could tell he was willing to pour himself into it, right? Because unlike his sister Kendall, he wasn't going to be auditioning for anything. And unlike a lot of his friends who excel in sports, he wasn't getting recruited by a school. And this particular school doesn't do interviews. So he's one shot was how he could present himself as an applicant on paper. And as somebody who is dyslexic, that's basically your worst nightmare. But he went for it. And that morning, standing there in my PJs, I wasn't really nervous. I mean, I was so excited. I was excited because it wasn't just about the college application, but I've seen how hard he's worked for four years Street and I know that all these schools are now crazy competitive. But I said to myself, look, you don't need to worry about the smell.

 

(05:02):

He's put in the work. He's in the zone of what the school is looking for. And when you see him on paper, he did a good job. He's got a sick GPA, he's the captain of two varsity sports senior mentor, won these awards, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you've heard him on the podcast, he's a great kid and has awesome emotional intelligence. So here we are. His stomach is in knots. I'm really excited. We're gathered around the kitchen island. Chris places his hand on Oakley's back as he cracks open the laptop logs into the portal and then it's silent for about 10 seconds and Oakley pushes back from the island and goes, it's a no, I didn't make it.

 

(05:54):

We sat there in silence. I don't know how much time went by. I honestly thought it was going to go a different way. I thought he was going to thread the needle on this one. And then Oakley said, they didn't even defer me. I mean, I was flat out rejected. The only thing that I could say was, that sucks buddy. And I'm really proud of the fact that you went for it. I'm really proud of how much work you put into it. And he kind of hung his head down low. And I said, well, tell me what you need me to do to support you today. Do you want me to make you your favorite bolognese sauce for dinner? Do you need us to just leave you alone? And he said, sure, bolognese sounds great. And then he said, I just need some time. And he kind of shrugged off the hugs we tried to give him and he went right back up to his room and shut the door. And I was standing there and I kind of looked at Chris and it was one of those moments in life where you're not quite sure what to do with yourself right now.

 

(06:59):

And in the context of college, I'm sure you've seen those videos that have gone viral online where the kids are gathered around the laptop and their families are all around them and all of a sudden they get the news and they scream and jump and shout and the families starts crying. And I kind of thought that was going to be us. I don't think I've ever seen a video online of the moment where somebody gets rejected from their dream school and yet life is full of rejections. It's full of setbacks, it's full of heartbreaks, and you can know that intellectually. But boy is it hard when it hits and it's hard when it hits you. And it's also hard when it hits somebody that you love. Thankfully, I am smart enough at this point in my life that I knew that that was not a moment to kind of crank up the motivational pep talk because that's the last thing that you want to hear when your dream school says, Nope, you're not good enough for us.

 

(08:11):

Or that job that you've been interviewing for says, sorry, you don't have what it takes. And there's a lot of layoffs happening right now. In fact, someone that is in my family just got laid off after working somewhere for 10 years, just completely out of nowhere. Their boss didn't even know it was coming. I'm sitting here talking about college applications with oak, and the fact is you can pour years of your life into something 

(09:29):

That's what we're talking about today. How do you pick yourself back up? How do you motivate yourself again when you feel like life just punched you in the face? And that's exactly what's going on in our house right now. Oakley now has, as I'm talking to you exactly 11 days to complete all the remaining applications and essays that he needs to work on in order to apply to other colleges. And it's because he was so motivated and excited about this one school that he figured, oh, all the work that I'm doing for this, it'll help me get the other stuff done and I'll wait until I hear and hopefully I'll get in. And if not, then I'll complete the other ones later. Right? It's easy to do that when everything's in front of you. But now here we are, 11 days to complete all this.

 

(10:18):

And not only do you have to complete all this, but you have to do it in the wake of feeling like you're not good enough for the place you wanted to be. So let me ask you a question. On a scale of zero to 100, how motivated do you think he feels right now? If you guess zero, you would be correct. He is the opposite of motivated. He is demoralized. He feels like he's not a smart kid, and if I can't get it, why even bother? And he's not the only one because when you have a moment where you feel like nothing's working out, that is the kind of emotion of it. And for example, if you happen to be single right now and everyone around you, oh my God, everybody's getting engaged, everybody's getting married, and here you are, you're having to put yourself back out there again after a breakup yet again.

 

(11:16):

When is this ever going to be your turn or if you've ever had an issue getting pregnant? Doesn't it seem like everybody around you is getting pregnant with ease? This is exactly the feeling. If you're in the financials industry and you've got to pass a huge exam for work, no matter how hard you study, if you don't pass it the first time, now you're going to be panic stricken and you're going to feel demoralized, which what makes it so hard to get motivated? I'll give you another example. You started selling real estate, which seemed like a great idea. You were super motivated in the beginning, but now it's been a year and no matter how many networking meetings you have gone to, you can't get your own listing. And every time you look around, a new house is on the market and they're listed by somebody else.

 

(12:00):

And why is it that you can't get this? And then you stop to, you don't feel that motivated. Why is this so easy for everybody else and doesn't it feel like you're the only one who feels that way, but you're not? And you can do something about it. And if you are in the position that I'm in right now, which is I'm the mom watching this, go down with somebody that I love and intellectually I'm sitting here saying all this stuff I say to you all the time on this podcast, this is happening for a reason. Intellectually, of course I know he's going to end up in the right place exactly where he needs to be. Of course, I know that college does not define who you are. Of course I know all this, but you can feel two things at once. You can know that everything's going to be okay, and you can also feel in your heart something breaking, right?

 

(12:52):

And that doesn't change the fact that I can't want this for him. He has to want it for himself. And the truth is, I can't motivate him and we're going to get into why I can't motivate him. Do you know what I would give right now to have motivation on tap? Wouldn't it be so cool that instead of going to a bar for a pint of beer, if you could walk into a bar for motivation and just grab that handle and pour a pint full of liquid motivation and boom, all of this emotion is gone, all of a sudden you're super excited. That would be so amazing. And I want to stay on this example for just a minute of what I'm going through because I think everybody can relate to the dynamic here, whether you're the one that's been rejected or you're the one that's concerned about somebody who is, because what our son does or doesn't do in the next 11 days potentially determines what the next four years of his life could look like and that family member of mine who got laid off after working somewhere for 10 years, what they do or don't do over the next few months can really matter in terms of what happens next.

 

(14:11):

And that takes us back to our topic. How do you motivate yourself when you don't feel motivated at all? And here's how we're going to tackle this. We're going to break it down because I want to give you specific tactics based in science for a moment like this, and I also want to make a very important request. If this isn't you right now, I guarantee you someone you love is feeling this way, please share this episode with them. Give them this information. Let them hear that they're not alone and let them feel empowered by the fact that there are simple things that you can period to tap into that this is the closest thing I can give you to motivation on tap this episode right here, because here's what you and I are going to cover. First of all, I'm going to break down the true definition of motivation using the research so that you and I are using the word in the exact same way.

 

(15:12):

Next, you can't talk about motivation without talking about the word dopamine because so many people and researchers and writers and podcasters talk about dopamine in relation to motivation. There is so much interest in that. So we will talk about that as well. Then you and I are going to cover two essential strategies that you need in a moment like this right now. These are two strategies based on research that A will help you locate that self-motivation and B will really inspire you to not only get back up, but to bring your A game when you do. So don't you go anywhere. I'm going to be waiting for you after a very short break where you can hear a word from our sponsors. Stay with us. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and do not skip this because I have something to give you for free. No kidding.

 

(16:01):

Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024. Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29 page workbook. I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos, supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024, and then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it. Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way, you and me baby. Let's create the best year ever. Just click the link, boom. I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute, and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I told you I would be waiting for you. We're going to start with a definition of motivation because I want to make sure that you and I are on the same page when we're using the word.

(17:44):

Motivation just means you feel like doing something. That's it. Motivation means you feel like doing something, and that means a lack of motivation means you don't feel like doing something simple, right? And that's interesting about motivation. When you feel like doing something, it's easy to do, right? Because you're motivated, you feel like doing it. And if you googled motivation or you've listened to podcasts on the topics or you've read about the science of it, I know that you have bumped into the word dopamine. So let me talk about dopamine in the context of self-motivation, okay? Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter and hormone and dopamine is involved in so many different aspects of your body functioning. But when you talk about dopamine in the context of motivation, what researchers, neuroscientists, psychologist, everybody is talking about is the fact that dopamine plays a role in what's called the reward system in your mind.

 

(18:55):

That's why dopamine is often referred to as the molecule of motivation. And when you are listening to anybody or reading about topics like behavior chain habits, in our case the science of motivation, it's really important to understand the role that dopamine plays because I think there's a tremendous amount of misunderstanding about what dopamine is and the role that it plays. And a lot of people feel like, oh, dopamine, dopamine is what makes me motivated. If you could just put dopamine in a pill, I'd feel more motivated somehow that dopamine is sort of like that motivation on tap that's not technically the case because dopamine is tied to cravings and to things that you want. Dopamine is present to try to drive you toward things that you crave or toward things that you really want to do. And I'm going to give you a couple examples because once you wrap your brain around this, oh my gosh, you're going to be like, oh my gosh, I totally get this.

 

(19:59):

So let's just take a scenario. You've been at work all day, you had an early lunch, you've been in meetings all day. As you're driving home, you're hungry right now when you get home because you're hungry, you're going to be very motivated to open the fridge, to look inside and to figure out what to eat or cook yourself for dinner, right? Why? Because you're craving food, you're hungry. But have you ever noticed that you can be really motivated when you get home to make something to eat and to eat real quick, but the second you're done eating it is so hard to motivate yourself to clean up the kitchen and to do the dishes. Why dopamine? See, you came home hungry. You were craving food, which is why you were motivated to cook. You felt like it. Dopamine is present because it's tied to craving and to the thing that you wanted.

 

(20:52):

And in fact, this is kind of cool research. Let's say that you really love steak and if you're coming home and you're craving steak, do you know how motivated you are to turn on the grill so you can grill that filet? In fact, your mouth is just watering thinking about it. Talk about the molecule of motivation. My mouth is watering just talking to you about it. That's how much I like steak. And the research shows that foods that you like spike dopamine levels by 50%. Why? Well, because you both crave it and you want it. That's why you're motivated to cook it. And this is true with all things that you crave or things that you really, really like. And these are not necessarily good things that I'm going to list. But do you want to know the top things that spike? Dopamine levels, it's not pretty meth, cocaine, nicotine, sex, social media, video games, sugar.

 

(21:44):

See, people get motivated to find these things because they crave them. You want to know what's not on that list? College applications, updating your resume, putting up a dating profile, stepping on a scale, doing dishes. I mean, who on earth craves sticking your hands in a soapy sink with a bunch of greasy pans? Not me. That's why you never feel motivated to do it. And look, there are so many people out there that are experts at biohacking dopamine. That's not what we're talking about today. You and I are talking about the reality in a normal person's life, which is do not expect this molecule of motivation to rescue you in a situation where you feel down, you feel discouraged, you don't feel like doing what you need to do, it's not coming. And yet you still need to pick yourself up and force yourself to do the work.

 

(22:40):

And just like motivation, dopamine is wonderful when you have it, but this conversation is about the other situations, the 99% of your life when you don't feel like doing what you need to do. I don't feel like applying to college after I got rejected. I don't feel like going to the gym. I don't feel like working on my business plan. I don't feel like eating healthy when I'd rather have a pizza. I don't feel like putting myself out there because I'm shy and introverted and I got screwed over by the last person I did. I don't feel like cleaning out the garage. I don't feel like having a mocktail and I'd rather have a beer tonight. I don't feel like having that conversation with my mother. I've been avoiding it for three months, so why not avoid it another one? And notice when you don't feel like doing those things, you don't do them, do you?

 

(23:32):

That's why you'll often hear me say motivation is garbage. It's garbage because it's not there when you really need it. If were on demand, if it were on tap, if we could just ooh, pop a pill, I would pour that sucker into a cup, man. I would drink it every day. And you want to know what else? If motivation were easy, everybody would have a million bucks in the bank. Everybody would have six pack abs. Everybody would be having a side hustle there dreams and taking vacations because they would be motivated all the time to do all the things to get you those things. But that's not how life works, is it? Because knowing what you need to do, it's not enough. It's just not enough. And here's the issue, and I know it because the clock is ticking, waiting for motivation to strike is basically saying it's never going to happen.

 

(24:29):

And if you're in a situation like we are in this household, you got 11 days, you got 11 days, you cannot afford to let your feelings derail the actions that you need to take right now. 

(25:37):

There are things you can do to help someone tap back into the drive inside themselves in a moment like this. And these two steps are also what you need to do in moments where you are the one who needs the motivation. Step number one, you must remind yourself of why this matters to you's. Say that again. Step number one, you must remind yourself of why this matters to you. This is one of the most important hacks for self motivation, and that is understanding exactly what you want and exactly why you want it. Because number one, if you don't really want it, you're not going to feel motivated to do the work to get it. And if you don't know why you want it, you're not going to feel motivated to do the work to get it. And I'm going to keep coming back to this example.

 

(26:43):

So relatable, our son and these college applications. So after he got the news, we just let him go for a day or two, right? You got to be able to decompress, you got to be able to take a deep breath. And then we sat down with him and we had a conversation about all the options on the table starting with, do you even want to go to college next year? Do you want to take a gap year? Do you want to do something else? Do you want to get a job all the way to the other end? Which is just because that school rejected you, doesn't mean you can't get into another top tier school if that's what you actually want. And that's important. You can't want it because I want it now. I don't even want that for him. I want him to go to the place he wants to be. And I reminded him of this. There are so many amazing schools out there that you could not only get into, but you probably love and be really happy at. So why not put in a couple applications to schools like that so you have options. So we talked and talked and talked through all the options. Don't go at all apply to top schools, apply to schools in the middle. And here's what he said.

 

(27:58):

If I didn't put in a few more applications to some other top choices of mine, all of which are a real reach for me, I realize that I know in my heart that I wouldn't have given it my all. And I guess mom, if they reject me too, then you know what? It's going to make me feel better at where I ultimately end up. I love that. I love that because number one, he's getting in touch with what he wants. And number two, it really tracks back to something that you and I talk about all the time. That dreams and your goals, they are there for a reason and they're not necessarily there because you're supposed to achieve them Dreams, set a direction that you head in. Dreams are what you pursue in order for you to become the kind of person that you want to become.

 

(28:56):

See these dreams and goals that you have, these reaches that you go for, they force you to do things that you wouldn't normally do. And that's exactly what our son was talking about. He knows that by buckling down right now at the moment where he least wants to do this, this is the last thing that he wants to do. But by doing it and going for it, he is demonstrating something that he cares in terms of his character. That's why he wants to apply. He's not doing it to get into a school he's applying because that's the kind of person he knows that he wants to be. And I want you to think, where in your life have you gone for something simply because you knew pursuing it would cause you to become a better version of yourself. And so let's circle this back and highlight step one, which is you have to know why you want something and let's talk about you.

 

(29:59):

Let's talk about your why. Whether you're listening to me right now and you're picking yourself back up or you're cranking along, you got some big goal and you would just love to destroy it this year. I mean, let's level up. Let's amplify. Let's swing for the fences people. You want to tap into that self-motivation to really rocket ship this puppy? What is it that you want? What is it that you're working on and why do you want it? Why? And as you ponder that, I want to remind you that I can help you answer this. I created this incredible workbook that is free zero cost. It's my gift to you to help you gain clarity about what you want and why you want it, which is essential if you want to tap into self-motivation. It is 29 amazing pages long. You can hear me flipping through it right now.

 

(31:00):

And already hundreds of thousands of podcast listeners from around the world have downloaded this puppy. They love it, they love the tools in it. This is a resource for you and you can get it right now at mel robbins.com/best year. Please share it with your friends, share it with your families. And this workbook is going to help you with step one. What do I want? Why do I want it? Because the workbook begins with six clarifying questions that give you those answers. And this is so important. And it's not just me saying it, it's not just common sense. There is breakthrough research that comes from the University of Oregon that has shown that you have to know your why in order to achieve your goals, knowing your why matters and based on the research, it's because when you know why something matters to you, it helps you with self-regulation.

 

(31:51):

It helps you prioritize doing the work over other things that are not as important but are easier to do. And this is essential because if you know that something matters, you'll come home after ski practice instead of taking a few extra runs with your friends and you'll work on college applications because you know why it matters. You'll get out of bed a little bit earlier to chip away at your resume instead of sleeping in this weekend because you'll know why it matters. And so this is grounded in the research. And we talked about this extensively in a recent episode that I did on goals. In fact, I released it just a week ago. If you want to dive in deeper and speaking of diving in deeper, I want to go to the second step that's going to help you tap into that self-motivation, right? When you really need to rev that engine back up.

 

(32:40):

And before we go there, let's go to a short word from our sponsors who helped me bring this to you at zero cost. And look, I love our sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast. Why? I'll tell you why. Because it's tied to my why. My enthusiasm is authentic. I not only love their products and services, but I love the fact that they are the reason I can empower you with free content. Twice a week they support the show. So take a listen and when we come back, we are going to talk about the essential second step to self-motivation. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so glad you are here with me. I'm so glad that you have downloaded your workbook@melrobbins.com slash best year. And I am thrilled that you are sharing this episode with anybody that needs to tap into self-motivation.

 

(33:33):

Alright, lemme just recap where we've been. Okay? You've learned that motivation is just feeling like doing something. That's all that it is. We talked briefly about dopamine and the fact that dopamine is a part of motivation, but it's really part of the craving cycle that when you crave something, the dopamine effect is there, and that's what is driving the motivation for you to move toward it. But we are really focusing on what the heck do you do when you don't have the craving, when you don't feel motivated, when you don't feel like sitting down and cranking out a resume when you don't want to dive into your taxes or go out on another date or spend a Sunday night prepping healthy snacks for the week or getting your desk or your closet organized, none of which anybody ever craves to do, which is why we don't do it.

 

(34:26):

But you don't have to be stopped by that anymore. You, because you know that motivation is just a feeling and that there are going to be things that you have to do in your life that you don't want to do. And so now you're going to have to hack this thing. So step one, you got to remind yourself why does this matter to you? Even the stupid little stuff. Why does it matter to you to do the dishes? I'll tell you why. Because when I wake up in the morning and I walk into the kitchen and I want to have a nice cup of coffee and light my incense and start my day off, you know what I don't want to see? I don't want to see a sink full of crusted, greasy, nasty ass dishes and pots from last night that are cold and gross, and I don't want to roll up my pajama sleeves and stick my hands into the soapy water and have to scrub that stuff off because you know what?

 

(35:19):

I'm going to be mad. I'm going to be mad that I left it for myself. I'm going to be mad that nobody else did it. I'm going to be mad that I left yesterday's mess for myself first thing in the morning to clean up because that's a stupid way to start the morning. And I know that. So why do the dishes at night? My why for doing the dishes after I cook is number one, because I want to set myself up for a great morning. Number two, I know that even though it doesn't feel easier, and even though I don't crave sticking my hands into the sink right now at night, I know that if I do it right now, I'm going to be better off. I know how good it feels when I'm done doing the dishes. And I know that a little push right now to get me to do the dang dishes and get it done and wipe down the counters and go to bed with a clean kitchen that matters more to me than how I feel right now about not doing it.

 

(36:15):

So I don't sit around and wait to crave. I don't sit around and wait to feel motivated. I push myself to do it because it matters. It matters. And here's step two. You ready? This is so simple. Let's just take a page from Nike, from the most powerful tagline on the planet of any brand, anywhere. Just do it. Three words. Just do it. Do you know why that tagline is so powerful? I want you to stop and think about it. Just do it. I ask this question a lot when I'm giving a keynote speech and I'll stand in front of an audience of 10,000 people and say, in Nike's tagline, just do it. What do you think the single most important and powerful word of that tagline is? You know what everybody guess do, and I don't blame 'em because I take an action first approach to life, but do is wrong.

 

(37:27):

That's not the reason why that tagline's so powerful. You know what? Everybody guesses next when I tell 'em, Nope, it's not. Do it. You got to know what you want. That's true. That's true. You do need to know what you want because when you know what you want, you now can align your actions with it. But that's not why that tagline is powerful and I can prove it to you. Imagine if their tagline was just do it. Would that be that empowering? No. That's because the most powerful word in the entire tagline is just, is the universal moment of hesitation. It's that moment where you're standing on a sideline and you're thinking about whether you're going to jump into the game. You're thinking about whether or not you're going to do it. You're standing there because you're afraid or you feel unworthy, or you feel like you might not be good enough to be in that game or now might not be the right time.

 

(38:35):

Jump into the game. See all of those emotions that you feel, they don't motivate you, they drive you to hesitate because it's so easy to stand on the sidelines and think about filling out applications or think about applying for that job or think about going out on another date. See, that's what Nike's referring to, how you and I sit in our heads and stand on the sidelines of life just waiting for inspiration or motivation to strike. That's why this tagline is so powerful, because Nike knows we are not motivated to do things that scare us. We are not motivated to step into the game. We are not motivated when it comes to doing things that feel a little scary, that feel like they might challenge us, that feel like we might not be good enough. That's why they're saying just do it. They are calling you from the sidelines because guess what?

 

(39:28):

There is greatness in you. Even when you don't feel like it. There is greatness for you to tap into. There is greatness that you can apply to this situation. So how the heck do you summon it? Just do it. Push through the hesitation because the power is in the action. Self. Self-motivation means you understand what you need to do, why you need to do it, and you force yourself through the hesitation 

(40:32):

It's only through the action. And I've come to believe it's only through learning how to push through that moment of fear, that moment of hesitation, those moments when you don't feel like it. That's how you tap into the greatness. And there's one other thing I want to share to you in this regard of just do it because the other night I was out to dinner with our daughter Sawyer and her boyfriend Gavin, and they knew that Oakley had not gotten into his school and they were asking how he's feeling. And we were just talking about how hard it is. I mean how hard it is to just pick yourself back up, especially when you didn't get what you worked for and put your best effort forward. Even though you feel like a loser, you feel like you failed or you feel like why bother? And Gavin was kind of reflecting on his kind of college process and he had this really awesome philosophy.

 

(41:31):

I'm going to steal this because I freaking love this. And it's something that he learned from his coach when he was playing D one Lacrosse, fail at full speed in life. I want you to fail at full speed. If you're going to apply to a top school or to your dream job or you're going to try to overcome your health challenges, I want you to know in your heart that you ran at that thing as hard as you freaking could. That if you wanted it, if you know why you wanted it, that you freaking attacked it. No matter how you feel in this moment, that you don't let the temporary feelings stop you from giving your all when the moment matters. And you know what I also love about this? Well, first of all, I love no motivation required. It didn't say, when you're motivated, make sure you fail full speed.

 

(42:26):

No motivation is not part of this. It's a hundred percent about who you are being. If you're going to fail at full speed, you're not going to wait around to feel motivated to do that. You're going to push yourself. That's an ethos. That's a philosophy about how you attack the things that matter to you. I mean, don't you want to be that kind of person that gave it your all when it comes to the things that you really want in your life? I mean, I can't imagine any worse feeling than living with regret knowing that you just gave up.

 

(43:06):

You just said Whatever. I don't feel like it. I know it matters to me. I'd be willing to live with this heartache for my whole life knowing I didn't truly take my best shot rather than the heartbreak of going for it and being told no. I mean, wouldn't you rather fail at everything knowing that you tried as hard as you could? I would. I'd rather do that than be successful to everybody on the outside. But no, deep on the inside, I cut corners. I cheated my way there. I didn't really earn it. And here's the thing, fail at full speed. It's about putting your heart into something that matters to you, running at the ball. But I do want to add one caveat because I have said a lot in our conversations, especially recently, that you must slow down before you can step on the accelerator being clear about the direction that you're headed in way more important than how fast you're going. There are so many people just running in circles, no idea where they're headed, going nowhere fast. So let me explain what full speed means. It means slowing down so you understand what you want and why.

 

(44:35):

And once you figure out what you want and why you want it, it means giving it your very best effort. Whatever best means today. And there are going to be those days where you only have 20% to give or 30% to give, or 40% to give. That was me for the past two months. I have been exhausted. I've worked way too much this year. But if 20% effort is everything that you've got today and you give 20%, that's a hundred percent effort. That's full speed. That's what I'm talking about. I learned that from my friend and brain coach Jim Quick, who appeared on this podcast about a month ago and only how much you have to give today. And I love that. I love that because there are going to be times in your life where you just got 20% in the tank, but you're going to give it and only how much you have to give, only whether or not you're giving it your all.

 

(45:40):

And you also know, by the way, when you're standing on the sidelines listening to the excuses. And so when it comes to self-motivation, just come back to this advice over and over and over again. These two simple steps are all you need to know. Seriously, anytime I find myself hesitating or feeling unmotivated, you know what I do? I remind myself why this matters. Doing the dishes. I don't feel like doing that for Why do I do the dishes? Okay, yeah, that's right. That's right, that's right. I'm going to push myself to do it for the big things, for the little things. It will summon the exact clarity that you need. It will cut through the emotions of the moment and it will give you exactly what you need to do next. It works for me. I know it'll work for you. So stop waiting around to feel like it.

 

(46:30):

Motivation is not coming. If it's not something you crave, dopamine is not going to help. And it doesn't matter because now you know the two simple steps and the truth about self-motivation. It is there for you if you understand what you want and you remind yourself of why you want it. And then you got to just do it. Use the five second rule, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and push yourself through the excuse and take the action. Fail at full speed. And I have a feeling you're not going to fail at all. And don't ever forget, I will be here twice a week right by your side, reminding you every step of the way that yes, there is greatness inside of you. And in case no one else tells you today, let me be the one to say I love you and I believe in you and your ability to create a better life. Now, go do it. And thank you so much for being here on YouTube. Do not forget to get your download, mel robbins.com/best you ever boom. And more importantly, subscribe to the channel. Really helps us bring you amazing stuff like this. And I know you want more motivation. Listen to this next.