Life Is Short (How to Spend It Wisely)

(13:40):

And then I want you to just sit just for a minute with that grief. I want you to think about the things that you weren't there for, the things that maybe you missed out on because you got really busy or you had a ton of stuff that you needed to do, or life just happened. It's okay. But now what are we going to do about it? Because here's the second tool. I'll tell you what you're going to do about it. You're going to tell people you cannot keep this a secret buried in your heart. And just for background, like a lot of you, I traveled for work and when I wasn't on the road for work, I would be on Zoom calls after dinner or on phone calls on the side of the soccer matches. I've been the one that's been late to the parent teacher conferences if I made them at all.

 

(14:23):

I had never been in a position to be the person that was the sports team parent. I'd never been the homeroom parent. I took 95% of my energy in the past and just aimed it all at paying off our debt, paying our mortgage. And it was that way for a really long time. And I just felt like I didn't have the bandwidth or the flexibility to do the things that I really wished I would've been able to do. And maybe you don't either. Maybe you don't either, and I need you to hear that it doesn't make you a bad parent. The fact is, I didn't feel like a bad parent back then when I was constantly working because I knew that what I was doing mattered, and I knew that it was a way that I could support my family, and I just tried hard to work on being there in other ways.

 

(15:17):

But there was something inside of me just recently when I saw this study, the American time study, and I stopped and I truly reflected on this statistic, holy cow, this is it for me. This is it. This is my last kid in high school. This is the last year of high school. I'm not missing out on a chance to be a bigger part of his high school life. And that doesn't mean any drastic changes. And this is the good news. It's not like I quit my job. It doesn't mean I changed a thousand things, but I did do a few little things. And it started with first saying, this is a priority because I'm not going to miss out on anything more. And the second thing is I got very vocal, and this is a big change for me. I had to tell Chris, 

(17:51):

And you're going to love them. So don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and we're talking about how time with your loved ones is like a melting ice cube. And I am sharing the seven things that I'm doing to be more present with my son Oakley before he graduates from high school this year. And my husband and I are empty nesters. So I just shared the first thing that I did, which is I actually said this is a priority because I have already missed out on too much, and I want you to do that too. This is a priority because I've already missed out on too much. Second thing I want you to do, say it out loud and tell everybody, okay, tell everybody, and it's important that you make this declaration that this is a commitment that you have for yourself this year because you love this person.

 

(18:42):

And so that brings me to the third thing that I did that I want you to do. Put it in the calendar. You got to mark the date. And here's what I mean by that, because there's a few steps you need to mark the dates in the calendar because if you're just thinking about it, it's not real. Okay? Putting something in the calendar makes it real. It makes it a priority. So the first thing that I did with Oakley, because even though I told him like, dude, I am going to show up differently this year. I want to be a big part of your senior year of high school. I don't want to miss out on this time with you. He's like, okay, yep. Alright, sounds good. He's got a life to live. This is not his obligation to change. It's mine. And so I printed out the school calendar, and as soon as I got all the sports calendars, I got the ski season calendar, the ultimate Frisbee calendar.

 

(19:32):

Here's what I did. I put it in my work calendar. See, typically I would keep my personal calendar and my business calendar separate, but if you want to make something a priority or someone a priority, put it in the calendar. That's actually a priority for you because whether you make it to the sports game or not, the fact that every single game home and away is not in the personal calendar. It's actually sitting right there in the work calendar. It keeps it front and center. Just a dumb little change like that, that tiny little tweak of intentionality, because again, they're not changing you. I made it to more sporting events than I had ever made before. I'm so proud of that. And I know it sounds kind of lame, but for all my working parents out there, and for those of you that have missed out on a lot of time, you know what a big deal this can be.

 

(20:26):

And something interesting also happened. See, Chris has always been the first call parent in our household, meaning he's the first number. He's always the contact for the sports teams. And since I've been traveling and working so much, people are not used to seeing me around. But since I'm now showing up, since I'm making this a priority, I'm not letting this ice cube melt for the first time ever. I'm really in the loop about what's going on. And you're going to find that that's true too. And in fact, I had this super cool experience, this might sound dumb to you, but it was a highlight of my life so far with Oakley, which is a bunch of parents. And I snuck onto the high school bus before a huge alpine ski team race. They were going off to some regional thing, and we decorated that bus.

 

(21:14):

It looked like a bunch of strippers were going to come onto that thing because I went in to the decoration aisle at Walmart. I made up for 10 years of having that ice cube melt. I bought out every piece of tinsel, every streamer, every, you know what? I bought the chalk markers. I colored every window. I decimated that bus with decorations. And I felt so bad that I even gave the driver a Dunking Donuts gift card and some cash and a couple extra garbage beds because he refused to take our offer to have him get some help to have it cleaned up. And let me tell you something, when Oakley got onto that bus, he texted me and said, you wouldn't believe what the parents did. And I said, dude, I was part of it. And he was shocked, absolutely shocked and thrilled. You did.

 

(22:14):

This is unbelievable. And it was so fricking cool. Again, is it the biggest thing? No, you may do this all the time, but to me, this was a really big deal. And until you make something a priority, you're going to keep missing out on this stuff. And when it comes to my parents, because I've shared that my dad's turn in 80 and I am very, very aware that that ice cube is melting. Here's the fact they live over 16 hours for me. I'm not driving there. They're not driving here. And I realize that we are together two to three times a year maximum. And so when it comes to my parents, how do you do that in the calendar? Well, it's critical because Oakley lives with me and he's super busy and I barely see him. And he's a senior in high school and he doesn't want to hang out with his mom.

 

(23:11):

And so it's my job to insert myself somehow into his life. Same thing's true with my parents. Just because 80 and retired doesn't mean it's their job to make sure our relationship's amazing. And here's the truth, like you may be experiencing in your life. My parents are 16 to 18 hours away from me. I'm not driving all the way to Michigan. They're not driving all the way here. 

(24:02):

And so the calendar is essential and you cannot underestimate how important this is. In fact, we started planning my dad's 80th birthday celebration almost two years in advance. Why? Because we're trying to coordinate 12 people. And if you don't get ahead of everybody's schedules, it's not happening. And I think that's important to understand. Everybody's busy. I don't care if you're retired, if you're 12 years old. And that's why getting it in the calendar and getting serious about this is how you mark these dates. Because if you don't mark the date, it's not happening. If you don't put it in the calendar, it's not real. And so on this theme of it's not their job, it's your job. The time is going to pass. And if it's a priority to you, you got to figure out how to fit in to what they're doing. And so another way to use your calendar is I've put a little alarm in my calendar, again, not personal in work, to call my parents twice a week.

 

(25:03):

And that way I use my calendar to make sure I'm marking dates so that the time is not passing without doing my part, because again, if it's not in the calendar, it's not happening. And that brings me to the fourth thing that I've done. As you're starting to make your plans and you're starting to mark your dates, I just want to underscore this because I've been hinting at this. This whole thing is not about other people reciprocating the effort you're putting in. Because here's the huge headline. You're not doing this for them, you're doing this for you. That ice cube, that's their life as it's melting, you realize you want to be a part of it. You don't want to miss out on it. So don't make the mistake of expecting everyone to just drop their plans. You want to come into town, and this is a really, really important note because I think if I'm being brutally honest with myself and with you, I think particularly with my parents, we got into a little bit of a tit for tat kind of thing where you kind of go, well, you got to come to me, or you got to come to me, or, well, the kids are busy, so why would I come if they're going to be busy running around and I'm not even going to get to see them.

 

(26:27):

And then in that sort of tit to tat, who's doing more, who's making more of an effort, and you find yourself in a little bit of a standoff little bit, I think you know what I'm talking about, A little bit of a friction, little bit of tension there. What happens during those years? Lots of, and this is an important note for me to remind myself of, because the fact is Oakley's going through the last days of high school, his top priority is not time with his mother. He wants to see his friends. He doesn't want to drop his weekend plans because his mother has nothing to do. And look, I know you're going to jump through a bunch of hoops when you just race out of work at three o'clock so you can get home. So you can be there for something and you fight traffic and you have all this stress around it.

 

(27:10):

You make this herculean effort and your kids don't even want to hang out with you. It sucks. And it's also the reality. And I realized that when you fly across country and you make time to spend with your family because your parents are getting older, and it's like, okay, it's not everything that you thought it would be, that's okay. What you need to keep reminding yourself is you're doing this because this is the kind of person that you are. You're showing up because it matters for you. And you've got to figure out how to insert yourself into what's already going on. And I'll give you a great example because I'm always trying to find time where I can get Oakley trapped into a car, right? Because I figure if we're in a car, then he is going to have to talk to me. So I was so excited when we were going on college tours recently to check out some of the schools that he's considering.

 

(28:05):

And I thought, oh my gosh, it's going to be like the best. We are going to be in the car for hours and then we're going to tour these colleges, and then on the drive home, we're going to get all this stuff that we're going to be able to talk about. Oh my gosh, I can't wait. That is not what happened. Are you kidding? We get up at the crack of dawn, he brings a pillow, he sleeps the entire drive to the college. We get into the tour and he wants me to not be standing next to him. He's like four paces ahead of me because of course I'm embarrassing him. And if I ask a question, he shoots me a look. And then we get back in the car and we drive home. And you know what he does? He sticks his earbuds in and listens to an audiobook.

 

(28:43):

Not exactly the massive, profound bonding experience, but I don't care. I don't care because I got to be there. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. And I call my parents all the time and I say, Hey, do you guys want to come out? I'd be happy to buy an airplane ticket. We'd love to see you. And they're like, oh my gosh, we're so busy. But you can come here. You're just kind of chuckling, aren't you? If this matters to you, stop doing the tit for tat. Stop waiting for people to drop everything and be thrilled that you showed up. It's important because it's important to you. It's important because you're the kind of person that shows up, and that's all you need to know. And the other thing that you need to know is we have some amazing sponsors to the Mel Robbins podcast.

 

(29:35):

So I want to take a quick break so they can tell you all about the awesome things that they can do. And while you're on this break, send this to somebody that you love. And if you're listening and it's your parents that you miss, maybe you're working in a city and you're starting your career and you're thinking, oh my God, I've spent 90% of the time that I have already with my parents. I only have 10% of time left. And every year it's going to be less than 

(30:27):

So stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about how to make the most of the fleeting time that you have with the people that you love. And you just heard about how making these plans is something that you're doing for you. And when you keep that in mind, it'll keep your ego and your frustration in check, and you will be able to show up and make the effort and be present and lower your expectation for how it actually goes. Let them, because you know that this is about letting me take responsibility for making the most of the time that I have. So I feel really good about how I spent it. And that leads me to the fifth thing that I did that has made a huge difference that I want you to steal. And I've been alluding to it, which is really think not about how do I get someone to make plans with me or agree to plans, but how can I fit into someone's life?

 

(31:35):

How can I do this in a way that doesn't disrupt what they're doing that's convenient to them? And I think we make this mistake a lot that we think that we got to plan something big that in order for it to be meaningful, we got to go away somewhere. We got to find a weekend. We got to do something profound that's going to take hours and hours and hours. And the truth is, that's not how you do it. You have to figure out how to become more present in someone's day-to-day life. Because if you make the mistake of thinking, okay, I'm going to plan for my dad's 80th, what you need to do, you need to put that in the calendar or else it's not going to get organized. But the bigger way to not have that experience of walking out of the room when the ice cube's intact and walking back in and it's fully gone, is to figure out how to stay in the room in tiny little ways.

 

(32:35):

And so here's a couple things that I thought about as it relates, Oakley. Yeah, I can be in the car with him as we're driving to certain things, and that's a way to be present with him. But this has been a remarkable tip, which is think about the person and what their life is like. And Oakley being a senior in high school, he just wants to be with his friends. I mean, this is the last time he's going to be with his friends. This is the last summer of his high school year. This is all happening before he goes off to college. And so given that he just wants to be with his friends, why don't I use that to my advantage instead of making him choose between me and his friends? Why don't I make them part of the deal? Just think about it.

 

(33:18):

I'm more likely to get him home for dinner if I text him and two friends, Hey Sully. Hey Noah, I'm making steaks on Friday. Why don't you guys all come on over for dinner? They'll respond faster than Oakley will. Oh, yeah, Mel, I'll be there now. Boom. I not only have my son, but I've got his friends. And now because his friends are there, he's not going to be sitting there silently at dinner just not wanting to talk. They're going to be chirping like birds. So think about how to make it more welcoming for your kids' friends or for their significant other. Let me give you another example. So one of Oakley's favorite things to do after school or after sports is having dinner. And then he goes right up to his room and he takes a shower, and then he parks himself in front of the video game monitors, and he pops on his headset and he just hangs out with his friends and they play Fortnite and all these other games.

 

(34:08):

I dunno what other games are playing right now. And look, if I were upset about that, because he's not spending time with me, I would be trying to make him choose between something he wants to do right now and hanging out with his friends versus having a conversation with his mother in the living room. I mean, please, I'd be playing video games with my friends too, but here's what I can do. I can take my coffee and I can walk up to his bedroom and I can knock on the door and I can walk in and I can pull up a chair and I can sit off screen so I don't embarrass him that his mom is sitting there and he can hang out while he is playing. I'm just showing interest. I'm in the room where the ice cube is and look, he may get killed a couple extra times because I'm kind of distracting, but it's a way to be in their life instead of trying to get them to make plans that take them out of their life.

 

(35:02):

It's such a subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to insert yourself. The same is true with your parents. Don't make them change their plans. Go to them. Don't make them call you, call them. I know they're retired. I know they got more time than you do, but for God's sakes, get out of the tit for tat and stop thinking. It's got to be big. It actually needs to be really small because when it's really small, you can fit it into your day-to-day life, and it keeps you in the room with the ice cube. And that slows down this feeling that things are melting. And here's the sixth thing that I did. I got very serious about being present, and here's how I did that. I talk a lot on the podcast about being where your feet are. And this is particularly true if you're going to stay in the room with the ice cube and you're going to insert yourself into their life.

 

(36:01):

And one of the ways that you can be more present, this is a huge thing that I've been super intentional about, and it's made a big, big, big difference in my time with Oakley, is as I'm aware that I'm not going to let time slip through my hands, you want to know what I don't have in my hands, my phone. And this is something that has helped me this year in feeling like I'm not letting the time that I have passed through my hands just fly right through. And here's what it is being where my feet are, not having my phone in my hand when I'm trying to be in the room with Oakley. See the old Mel, it took everything I could just to get to the sporting event when our daughters were playing. So if I actually made it there, I was that parent on the sidelines who was buried in my phone.

 

(36:54):

I was sending emails, and then all of a sudden all the parents around me would cheer and I'd be like, what happened? Who scored? And if the kids were like, did you see me score? Yeah, yeah, great play, great play. And I missed the whole thing. I would be the one that would step out of the bleachers to take a phone call near the end zone. I'd be pacing back and forth trying to wave, trying to make eye contact to get credit for being there. But was I there physically? But I was checking a box. I wasn't actually present watching the game. 

(38:34):

Well, you're on phone too. You're on your phone too. Why would they not be on their phone? And so one of the things that I have done to be where my feet are, is that at night, it's very hard to reach me. My team will tell you it's very, very hard to reach Mel from six to eight o'clock at night. And I'll tell you why. I don't have my phone on my person. It is literally plugged in my bathroom or it is plugged in my office upstairs, above the garage. And the reason why I don't have my phone on me is because I want to be physically present in the same room. Even if my son is on his phone or listening to something, I want to make sure that I'm there, not because I'm doing it for him, but because I'm doing it for me.

 

(39:21):

And if I'm being, again, brutally honest, this used to be a huge issue with me and my mom because I would make an effort to go spend time with them. But I was on my phone and I was working the whole time I was there, and I was doing everything that I could to try to fulfill the obligations at work and also be a good daughter. But it came to a head one year when I called my mom and I said, Hey, I want to come down and see you and dad, but I only have a day and a half. I'm going to fly in between one speech and then fly out. My mom said, don't bother coming. I was like, what? And she said, I would rather not see you than have you come and have you be working on your laptop or sitting on your phone and having me just feel like you're squeezing me in. Wow.

 

(40:11):

And you know what? She's right. And she has every right to say that. And if that's you in your life, I'm not making you wrong. I'm not making you wrong because I've been there. And if you are dying for more quality time with somebody in your life and they're always working or they're always on the phone, maybe you need to say what my mom said to me because I'll tell you what, it was a wake up call. Wait a minute. You'd rather I not come than I make a Herculean effort and work all the time, but I can be present. But see, this is the thing. Is it about the quantity of time that you're spending there or the quality of time? And I'm asking you to ask yourself this because these are the questions I'm asking myself as I look at these melting ice cubes in my life, and I get very clear that this is a huge priority for me.

 

(41:08):

And that brings me to the final thing. I keep telling myself, it's not too late. It's not too late, period. And I want you to understand that simply making it a habit to start to reach out and check in on people that you love, that is enough to start to take control of this. 

(42:08):

And she was singing this little song and she's going on a walk, and she's like, get the book written. Get the book written. I miss you. Let's make a plan. I love you. It's hilarious. And so you know what I did? I sang her a song back on video while I was literally still in my pajamas, and I hadn't even brushed my teeth, and I had my retainer in, and it makes me feel closer to her. Just that one connection. And one of the things that we've done in our extended family that has really made a significant difference in the last couple of years is we've created an extended family group chat. And I know that your family probably has a group chat, so do we with you and your kids, or you and your immediate family. And I guarantee you, it's probably 90% logistics.

 

(42:57):

You run into the grocery store, you let the dog out. Well, our extended family, which is my brother and his family, they live outside of Chicago. My parents, they're in Michigan and sometimes in Florida, our kids, so some of us are in Vermont. Our daughter Sawyer was in Asia. Our other daughter's in la. We have this family group chat with 12 of us in it, and a hilarious name. It's active every day, and you want to know how it started? It started thanks to Wordle, that little word puzzle game in the New York Times. See, during the pandemic, we started sharing our wordle, what are they called? Responses when you do the game, and then it shows you how many you got or what you didn't get. So we just started casually sharing them, and it just spun into this incredible way to stay connected, to be in the room with each other, so to speak, at least virtually.

 

(43:48):

And yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother and my sister-in-law, my husband and I are the ones that truly keep it going. But the kids chime in. They're cute pictures of dogs. There's photos of the water polo matches in Chicago with my nephews playing. There's pictures from Sawyer in Asia. There's a text there from Kendall recording sessions and music in la. There are fun memes. There are lots of hearts of the things that the adults are posting by my, and I am shocked by how much closer I feel to everyone because if I am kind of seeing their names and seeing photos most days, I don't have that sensation of leaving a room and walking back in and being surprised by how much time has passed. Again, it's a simple way to stay in the room that someone's in and insert yourself into their life and what they're already doing.

 

(44:48):

And so now that you have someone in mind, because remember at the very beginning I said, you have to make this a priority. Who is the person for you? Create a group chat with a bigger group around that person and that group of friends, or that extended family. And by the way, if you're sitting here and you're saying, but it is too late, the ice cube has not only melted, it's gone that the person that you wished you had more time with has died like Chris's dad did. Don't pumble yourself with regret about all the time that has slipped through your hands and the love that you didn't get to express while they're still here. You still feel all that love. And here's what you can do with it. Name the person who's still in your life and make them a priority right now. Use this life lesson to get serious about spending time with the person who's still here.

 

(45:57):

And you know what makes this melting ice cube metaphor really profound? It's that my friend Dave, who shared it with me, passed away really suddenly last year. Just another painful reminder that life does pass you by, that the ice cube is melting, that your life is finite, and so is the time that you have with the people that you love. So hug your kids every single chance you get. And if your parents are still here, hug them too, because you can't stop the ice cube from melting, but you can recognize that it is. And now you can do something about it. And I hope you do. And in case no one else tells you, let me be the one to say that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And that means getting honest with yourself about who in your life is a priority, and then waking the heck up and making them one. Alrighty. I'll talk to you in a few days,