Episode: 86
You Are a Badass: Unlock Your Most Authentic Self in 4 Proven Steps
with Ritu Bhasin
Learn 4 simple steps to claim your confidence, make your own rules, and create a bolder, more authentic life.
In this episode, renowned researcher and bestselling author Ritu Bhasin empowers you to stop fitting in and start stepping into your authentic self.
If you’ve been saying yes to fit in, staying silent in meetings, or holding back from your goals out of fear, this conversation will change everything.
It’s time to take your power back.
Listen on:
Belonging is about being who we are, embracing who we are first and foremost, with our own selves. We belong to ourselves first.
Ritu Bhasin
Featured Clips
Transcript
Mel Robbins (00:00:03):
When I think about the topic of both authenticity and how to be your truest, most powerful self, this is so difficult for people because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself. You identified the three different versions we have of ourself. You now have the ability to choose whether or not you're going to stay in that version or you're going to swing toward the authentic you. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am really looking forward to this conversation with you today. I'm so glad you're taking the time to be with me. We're going to dig into a topic that I know you are going to love, and that is how can you become the most authentic version of yourself and what the hell does that even mean, right? That's a big mouthful of a sentence, the most authentic version of yourself.
(00:01:02):
And I have a three-part framework that one of the world's leading experts on the research of authenticity and how to be the most authentic you and how to use that as a way to belong to yourself and relationships. She's going to join us in just a minute, but I have a story about authenticity that I want to tell you that's kind of personal, and it's something that I've been thinking about a lot because whenever I travel, I bump into fans of this podcast and I am hearing very, very consistent feedback. And so let me tell you a story about that happening just this week. Earlier this week, I was in Nashville because I was giving a speech to executives in the supply chain industry. And I don't know about you, but there are certain places that when I visit, I have to go to a particular restaurant and have a particular meal.
(00:01:54):
For example, when I go to where my mom grew up outside of Buffalo, New York, I got to go to Schwabs and have a Kimmel on wic. If you know, when I visit my parents in western Michigan where I grew up, I got to go to the Red Rooster in where I used to be a waitress or to the Bear Lake Tavern and have fried perch, not negotiable, not leaving town without that meal. You picking up what I'm putting down, I'm sure you have meals like that too. Well, when I go to Nashville, it is not a Nashville style hot chicken. That's not what I'm doing. I have to go to Cane Prime. Cane Prime is this awesome steakhouse, and I love Cane Prime for a number of reasons. First of all, they have an appetizer that is bacon, that is soused for like 72 hours, and then they finish it off on a cast iron grill and you want to hear what they top it off with cotton candy.
(00:02:45):
You heard that, right? So that's order number one. Order number two, they make this insanely delicious purple kale salad with currants and almonds and it is just so fricking delicious. And then finally, they're stakes. Their stakes are just, they're stakes. They're just fantastic. And so I, of course after the tech rehearsal I went to came Prime with Christine, our chief operating officer, and Melinda, who does a bunch of freelance work for us whenever we're doing events. She's a genius at all the advanced stuff that we do there. And we're sitting there and we walk in and we're seated by this really wonderful gentleman. He's clearly the manager of the restaurant. He's dressed to the nines probably in his forties, just one of these people that you can tell they love, love, love taking care of people. The service is immaculate, takes a lot of pride in that.
(00:03:42):
So we have this fabulous meal, we're getting up, we've paid the bill, and he comes back and he asks us how the meal was. And I, of course, just, I'm so effusive, I mean even more so than I was with you describing this meal. And he's nodding and smiling, and then he leans in and says, I'm a really big fan of yours and I just love your podcast. And I looked at him and I of course got the thank you out and I gave him a huge hug. But between you and me, I couldn't believe this guy. That's so cool. It's so cool that this guy dressed to the nines working. I'm just like, I never in a million years would've seen him and then been like, oh, you must be a fan. Clearly, I just am constantly floored at how wide of a range of people listen to and are part of and love this community.
(00:04:39):
I just was so excited that I was meeting another fan and it was somebody that I was so excited to be having listening. So he then says something that I have heard approximately 1 million times. It is the most consistent piece of feedback anyone anywhere gives me. Can you guess what it is, Mel? You know what I like about you? You're just so real. You're so authentic. I just feel like everything you talk about is so relatable. How did you become so comfortable being yourself? And the truth is, for a long time, the answer is, I don't know. I guess spending decades hating myself, that was fun. No, it wasn't spending decades trying to please everybody else, spending decades assuming my opinion wasn't the right one. So I got to change it in order to have people like it, assuming that there was something wrong with me.
(00:05:44):
I went through life for a very long time being the least authentic version of myself, and it made me miserable. And I think it was the pain of trying so hard to be somebody else that finally led me to this breakthrough. Holy shit, it's so liberating and it's so much easier if you can accept yourself for who you are and for who you're not. It's an important part of it. And if you can give yourself permission to be that authentic version of yourself out in the world, to have your opinions, to wear the things that you want to wear, to dance, when you want to dance, to opt out of something, if you want to opt out of something, to not hang out with people that don't feel great for you, that's what it means for me to be the most authentic version of myself.
(00:06:37):
I allow myself the grace and the support and the encouragement of just showing up as I am. And since I really don't know how to teach you to do that for yourself, I thought, why don't we track down an expert? Because I'm getting more and more and more questions in the inbox. How do I become the most authentic version of myself? Here's the other question that I get a lot. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. Well, what I do know when you're saying that is you're not the most authentic version of yourself for sure, because you're not connected to yourself. And so I tracked down a profoundly respected expert on the topic of authenticity and belonging. Ritu Bhasin has been researching these two topics. She has written a bestselling book about them. She is teaching these topics on stages and with the biggest brands around the world.
(00:07:34):
And today she's going to teach you and me a three-part framework for developing the most authentic version of yourself. She's also going to cover some very specific takeaways about how you can still tap into that authenticity even in public places like at work or in relationships or out at networking meetings or whatever. And we're also going to talk about ways that you can manage the rejection that you will face from your family, from friends, from people who know the old you, the people pleaser you, the insecure you, and more importantly, what to do to support yourself as you start showing up more and more as your full authentic self out in the world. And some people don't like it. I can't wait to have this conversation because I think you're going to get a lot of insight and more importantly, tools about reconnecting with the most authentic, relatable and real version of yourself. Alright, let's do this. Ritu, I'm so excited that you're here.
Ritu Bhasin (00:08:37):
Thank you so much for having me, Mel. I'm excited to be here too.
Mel Robbins (00:08:40):
And I also wanted to thank you for something very specific.
Ritu Bhasin (00:08:47):
Tell me,
Mel Robbins (00:08:50):
I am genuinely grateful that you created a YouTube video that demonstrated the proper pronunciation of your name, including tips for how to get the second part of your name done correctly. I cannot thank you enough for that. I grew up with the last name Schneeberger, and when people would look at those 12 letters and the mouthful that was, they would completely turn it into word salad. And so I live with the anxiety that I'm going to mispronounce somebody's name, and I think that's so cool. Why did you do that?
Ritu Bhasin (00:09:38):
Well, it was born out of necessity, Mel, because with a name like Ritu Bhasin, which by the way, lemme take a step back. So my parents are from India, we're Indian by culture. They immigrated now over 50 years ago to Canada, which is where I live. I'm Canadian. And after decades and decades of having people anglicize my name and pronounce my name as Ritu at the age of 30, I decided that I'm going to stand in my power claim, my belonging as it relates to my name and have people pronounce it the proper way, which is, and my last name is pronounced Bhasin. And it was a mission to get every single person in my life to say it correctly and a successful mission. So good for me for making that happen. But now that I'm a professional speaker and I'm on stages and podcasting and blah, blah, blah, what I was noticing is that it actually causes people anxiety to say my name incorrectly.
(00:10:38):
And I thought, you know what? I should just help people out and let me create this video and so that people can learn to practice. And it alleviates stress and tension for them, and it helps me as well because part of me standing in my power and being who I am and claiming my identity is having people say it correctly. And then the last thing I'll mention here, Mel, related to this, is that I don't need people to say it a hundred percent correctly. I just need to know that you're signaling that you care because this is what empathy is about. Do you see me? Do you care? Are you paying attention to what's important to me? So people don't need to nail it and say it the brown way. I just need to know that people are trying, you know what I mean?
Mel Robbins (00:11:22):
Well, there's so much in what you just said, which is why I wanted to start here.
(00:11:26):
So you are an expert in belonging and in authenticity and the courage that it takes to realize that it bothers you that people are saying your first name incorrectly and standing in your power to do something about it without, and realizing that when people get it wrong, they feel terrible about it, but both standing in your power, which is one thing, and that's the piece of it, that's authenticity, right? There's something that feels off when through your whole life. People are saying your name wr through, did I say it right? Am I getting it? You nailed it. Okay, mass, I was practicing. You even gave me the tip of sticking my tongue against the top of my teeth, but I noticed if I stick it to the top of my teeth, I didn't quite get it right, too sharp. And so I noticed I had to lower it a little bit more to get the proper sound.
Ritu Bhasin (00:12:30):
Well, everyone's gum lines and dental workings be different, but yes,
Mel Robbins (00:12:35):
We're
Ritu Bhasin (00:12:35):
Aiming for top two teeth.
Mel Robbins (00:12:36):
Yes. And so the thing though that I loved about this is that there's the piece of you standing in your power and then there's the piece of you graciously creating a video so that in your professional life, in your personal life, you've explained and helped people in having you feel this sense of belonging and being seen. And when I think about the topic of both authenticity and how to be your truest most powerful self, this is so difficult for people. And I see it everywhere, this inability to stand in your power. I know so many people and you listening to us, maybe one of 'em, that if you order coffee at a coffee shop and they get your order wrong, you don't say something because you don't want to make waves. You don't want people to not like you don't want the person behind the counter to feel bad. You don't want to hold up the line.
Mel Robbins (00:13:42):
And there's an element of being able to stand in your power and ask for what you need. That is part of being your truest authentic self, correct?
Ritu Bhasin (00:13:56):
Thousand percent. And in fact, one of the things I can tell you based on my own journey, which is one that before those of you joining us today think that, oh, rithu, you've always been this way. You always have known how to embrace your authenticity and claim your belonging. The answer to that is absolutely not. In fact, I have struggled. I struggled for decades to embrace who I am and be who I am. But as I learned to do my healing work and stand more my power, what I realized is that every action, every micro behavior that I engage in is one step forward to me fully embracing who I am and claiming belonging for myself. And whether that is the barista at the coffee shop or the customer service person at the airport, or the person on the phone for my internet problems or family members or my leader or my team members or my clients or my customers, big stakes. There's the low stakes, big stakes, every single act, every behavior I engage in is a chain reaction for me, claiming my authenticity and belonging. But it took me like Mel, it took me years to finally make this happen for myself.
Mel Robbins (00:15:18):
How did you know that you weren't your authentic self? Because I asked that question. It may seem kind of dumb, but when we use the words authenticity and belonging, I think those are the kind of words that are intellectual. And so without a real life tangible example, it sort of floats over all of our heads. And so I want to start with the piece of authenticity and really help the person listening understand what you're talking about and how you even know if you are your authentic self or not.
Ritu Bhasin (00:15:56):
Yeah, it is such an important question. I'm going to tell you a really quick story. I mentioned it in my new book. We've got this because it's a powerful example of how these moments can happen for us, where when we're tuned in, we can clock the behavior. And I think being intentional and mindful and tuned in is critical, is huge. So just in a nutshell, so on the child of immigrants from a very young age, I experienced relentless bullying, childhood bullying, and it was racist in particular. Plus, I had cultural confusion based on how my parents were like, how white should we make her? How Indian should we push them to be? And so between the cultural confusion and the shielding myself from the hate and hurt coming my way as a kid because of being bullied, I learned to put on multiple masks and I learned to push down my identities and I learned to curate what I call a performing self.
Ritu Bhasin (00:16:54):
And when I say performing self, I don't mean high performance. I mean life is a stage. We're actors on the stage performing who we are as opposed to being who we are. I did this as a child to shield from hurt harm. I became a lawyer. I entered the legal profession, and as a young woman of color navigating the corporate world, I noticed that the messages around conformity were never direct, like being bullied as a kid, but they were always there subtly. So I became a master at shifting codes and hiding, curating what I'll talk about at work and what I'll mask on and taking on the hobbies of the corporate world that were really popular, but I hated, I did all of this to fit in. I'm using air quotes for those listening and not watching fit in because I can tell you now that changing who we are, masking aspects of our identity will never yield, never be the same as actual belonging. Yes, some doors to acceptance will open, but it's not the same as actually belonging.
Mel Robbins (00:17:57):
I want to stop right there because I think that's part of the confusion for most of us.
Ritu Bhasin (00:18:03):
Yes,
Mel Robbins (00:18:04):
Where you innately, whether it's because you want to have friends or you don't want to get picked on, or you don't want to feel lonely or you want to climb the corporate ladder or you want to get a job innately, we seek to fit in, and there are varying degrees to which we compromise our true selves. You're talking about something I've never had to personally deal with as a white woman. I've never had to do that code switching because of environments where it was all white because I blended into that area.
(00:18:42):
I understand what you're talking about when it comes to the subconscious cues because as dumb as it sounds, I do remember being a corporate lawyer at a time where women didn't wear skirts. I mean, excuse me, where women didn't wear pants. And that is a very benign and superficial example of fitting in somewhere because I think I have to fit in order to succeed. And so everybody, regardless of your background, you have some example whether it is deep around your identity, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your gender, or you have examples that are very superficial. But what I really want you to explain for everybody right now is what's the difference between fitting into a group or a culture at work versus belonging to that group of friends or belonging to that team and that culture at work?
Ritu Bhasin (00:19:49):
It is entirely rooted in how you feel, Mel. Oftentimes, we think that the mind goes first, but it's actually the body. Our body will signal to us how we're doing, how we're experiencing a situation or a person before our mind even catches up. And so we want to, after today start using our body as a guidepost for an anchor for how we're feeling. And so I define belonging really quickly as the profound feeling. So again, it's something in our body that says to us, I'm being honored and accepted for who I am. When we are experiencing belonging, we feel in flow, we feel at ease, we feel safe. It feels good. It feels nice even when it feels vulnerable, even when we're feeling a bit nervous and activated because it's like, oh my gosh, I'm worried. What are you going to think and say, but I'm still going to share me and do me.
(00:20:48):
It feels good. Whereas fitting in is activating. I often talk about when we feel the pressure to put on our performing self mask and change the way we speak or hide aspects of our identity. For example, I experienced a lot of inequities and hate and hurt coming my way, tied back to my race and intersectionality with being a girl, a smart girl or a woman, and coming from a immigrant child, family upbringing. But people experienced all kinds of judgment and bias tied back to, for example, mental health. Look at people's experiences with anxiety, depression, or you grew up poor, or you're the first person in your family to go to college or university or some people feel like they're so short, tall, they're bigger. We are being judged. The fear of judgment and bias, people actually judging us based on who we are. That's what strikes at our ability to belong. When we worry based on my work and research, I can tell you when we worry that you're going to judge me, you're going to take your love away from me, you're going to take opportunities away from me. That's what causes us to suppress our authenticity and it strikes at our belonging.
(00:22:07):
And so that's what pushes us to feel like I got to put this performing self mask on, curate who I am, change the way I speak, change what I talk about, change the way I dress, not tell you about my anxiety, depression, or who I really want to love, or how I view my gender or how unwell my parents were, or the really crappy neighborhood I grew up in. Whatever the fear is, it's what causes us to curate and sanitize.
Ritu Bhasin (00:22:37):
And so we hide our emotions, we hide our behaviors, and we do this not because we're evil human beings trying to deceive others. We do this to shield and protect ourselves from judgment, which is one of the reasons, Mel, why I don't use the word inauthentic ever. I feel like the term inauthentic, my first book, the authenticity principle I wrote in it, the term inauthentic or inauthenticity in my view has a lot of negative connotations to it. It's like you're deliberately trying to mislead people about who you are. My work in research has shown me, and I can tell you my own personal experience, is that when we put on our performing self masks, we don't do it because we're trying to mislead people. We do it because of hurt and woundedness
(00:23:26):
Do it because of pain. We do it because we're afraid others will take their love away. And you know what? It's not a figment of our imagination. It's because people in the past have taken their love away from us and we worry it'll happen again. But as we do our healing work and we stand in our power, we start to realize a life that is created and rooted in belonging where I feel in flow, because I get to be who I am around you. Even if you'll judge me, I'm going to do it anyways, is so much more rich and beautiful than a life of literally walking around with that mask on all the time. And I can tell you, I'm not even effing joking. I did it for decades. This life that I'm leading, it's harder to live because it's more intentional and mindful, but it is so much more beautiful and worth it.
Mel Robbins (00:24:22):
There is so much wisdom and beauty that you just dropped on all of us. Just a beautiful gift. And I want to try to unpack it because there is so much layered in what you just talked about, and it is so important to me that as you're listening to us, that you're able to grasp these concepts and start to see where this is applicable in your own life. And the word I keep thinking about that you used is activated. So you said when you feel like you belong, you have this state of flow. I would also guess that other words that people say is that they're very present, that their minds are not racing ahead, that there is nothing in the moment that you need to manage, and that there is this peace and
Ritu Bhasin (00:25:16):
Freedom, the anchoring, you're calm, your anchor. There's the absence of the panic or anxiousness or
Mel Robbins (00:25:25):
Activation. Yes. And the activation is an interesting word because I can think to certain friend groups that I was a part of or certain people I was dating or certain classes for example, that I was taking in college or certain jobs that I hated, where the moment I was walking into the classroom or into work or I was sitting at a table with my supposed friends and air quotes, I was not anchored and at peace, I was so active in my mind and thinking about other things and worried about something and not able to feel anchored or at peace in those experiences. And I personally believe based on the number of people that write in and the size of the audience on our social channels and the podcast, that most people have a day-to-day, hour to hour, minute to minute experience of being activated
Ritu Bhasin (00:26:31):
And
Mel Robbins (00:26:31):
Not belonging.
Ritu Bhasin (00:26:33):
Yes.
Mel Robbins (00:26:34):
How does somebody know? And I want you listening to us. I want you to think about where is the easiest place for somebody to spot this for themselves so that they can recognize a place in their life where they're not able to be their authentic self and where they get into this particular part of their life and it's very activating.
Ritu Bhasin (00:26:58):
So I love, love, love, love, love this question for so many reasons. So first of all, in my book we've got this, I introduced this concept which I call our core wisdom. And in fact, Mel, if you said to me, rithu, tell everyone today, what is the number one thing that you did to bring more belonging and authenticity into your life, to bring more ease and joy and flow and peace into your life? What was that
Mel Robbins (00:27:28):
Rithu? Tell us the number one thing that you did to bring more joy and ease and peace into your life. I could pick up what you're putting down, woman. So tell us because I want to know,
Ritu Bhasin (00:27:40):
And by the way, I'm a work in progress, everyone before you think like, oh, wow, Ruthy really has it all figured out and her life is perfect, and whatever I would tell you my life feels like it's a fucking mess all the time. And I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed. And however, I am always anchored to who I am. I often will say, here I am anchored. The good swirls around me, the bad, the ugly, everything is swirling around me and I am anchored. And why the number one thing that I did to bring more authenticity, belonging, and joy into my life is cultivate what I call my core wisdom.
Mel Robbins (00:28:18):
What the hell is that?
Ritu Bhasin (00:28:19):
Yeah, right, right. Good question. So our core wisdom is the inner knowing that pushes us to tune into ourselves and say to ourselves in any situation, any interaction, any moment we're in, whether it's a moment of joy or moment of feeling stressed or a moment of deep pain, whatever it is, we tune in and we say to ourselves, what's my mind saying right now? And in a moment of joy, we'll be saying, oh, I feel so good. This feels really good. Or I really like her. For example, right now I'm really enjoying this. I'm in a stressful moment. It'll say, oh my God, I'm such a loser. See, I'm always a loser and I can tell he's judging me and this is why I shouldn't speak and no, don't speak, and I knew you didn't like me. So we hear the narratives in the head, in the mind, the first thing we hear, the voice.
(00:29:08):
Our core wisdom also pushes us to say, what am I feeling in my body? So let's go back to what I was sharing earlier. Belonging is a feeling. A lack of belonging is a feeling. What is the difference between fitting in and actually being who we are? You'll know the difference based on what your body is telling you. So our core wisdom says in this moment, in this experience, what is my body feeling and sensing? And we start to tune in. We feel the stress in our chest, and we'll feel that we're starting to sweat and we'll feel the heat on our face and then coupled with the negative narratives in our head like, you're a loser. You suck. See, don't speak. Don't be who you are. They're going to judge you. We hear all of this and feel all of this happening. And in that moment we leap into using our core wisdom strategies which include, oh, no inner saboteur. I'm not going to let you talk to me that way. And we have our affirmations or our mantras, our self-coaching ready to go because we're like, no way, ub bassine, stand in your power, ine speak, or My favorite thing du bassine, you've got this. If you don't speak, who will? So then my affirmations and mantra start going, but then my body is still activated.
(00:30:29):
So then I start doing my deep breathing work in that moment, and I start this deep, deep breathing. I take my hands, I rub it on my thighs or put it on my chest, rub my fingers. I feel the tears coming up and I say, cry, let it out. Let it out. Oh, you don't want to do it right here because they're watching you. Don't feel comfortable. Okay, come back to this later. It's called emotional release or emotional discharge goes back to the activation. When we feel like we're being judged, what's actually happening in the body is that as human beings, we're animals and we're governed by our nervous systems all day long. Our nervous systems are clocking for harmful things in the environment back in the day, although for some people, I think maybe you, Mel, given how your early morning hikes we're clocking for bears and forests, okay?
(00:31:19):
Most of us are not clocking for bears and forests. What's happening is, oh, see, you didn't say my name, or you rolled your eyes when I was speaking, or you raised your eyebrow when you saw what I was wearing. Or you keep interrupting me, or I hear the tone in your voice when you're talking to me versus talking to him, whatever it is, those disrespects, those hurtful things that we're clocking the body intakes as attacks, it's not the same as being attacked by bear, but it doesn't matter. The body's like, see, you don't like me. And that's what causes this activation. And when this is happening, energy is generated in the body, which could show up as trembling, shaking, we're so shocked or we're so upset, could be tears. But the problem is, as humans, we override. And so what happens is the surge of energy comes up, the activation, the tears want to start.
(00:32:13):
We want to start shaking, trembling, let out a moaner cry. But we say, no, don't do that because you'll be judged. And then we push those sensations down. Our core wisdom says to us, come back to it. For example, literally after I've had a stressful thing happen, or I'm grieving right now because my mother is dying of Alzheimer's, I have all day long I feel the grief. And I'm like, no, you're at work. Keep going, keep going. But I come back to the moment later in the evening and I'll take my memory back to my mom or whatever has happened during the day that it's difficult. And then I'll put on my music, my calming music, I'll feel the tears come up and I let the tears out and I cry and let it out. Why? Because I don't want that energy to be trapped in me.
(00:33:00):
But the other thing I'll mention here as it ties to our core wisdom is that I also do this with joy because I feel like for a lot of us, we have capacity or we spend a lot of time with the pain. And what we're not doing enough of is spending time with the joy and joy isn't just a mind thing. Oh, this is so nice and I'm really enjoying this, and isn't this experience with my family pretty and nice? It's the actually feeling it in my body. And then the very last thing I'll say about core wisdom is that first of all, it can be developed. The more we do it, we develop it. It's like a muscle, of course, is that we want to develop our core wisdom so that we build more settled nervous systems so that we are more settled so that we're less likely to be activated. And when we are triggered by the horrible shit that happens to us, we're able to address it. And so there like many experiences, there is no blue pill or red pill that we can take and like, oh, look at that. Instantly I'm healed. It's not like that. It's a journey. But the better we get, the better and better we get, the less rattled we are and the happier we are or more joyful, let's say more joyful.
Mel Robbins (00:34:14):
Lemme see if I can translate that to two examples. So let's just say an example that everybody can relate to, and it's that you have a friend group and you recognize as you're listening to this conversation that you are very activated within this friend group. You're always worried about what you're going to wear. You're typing your texts to them three or four times and then deleting it, putting a lot of emojis, and you are out to dinner with this friend group and you realize, oh my gosh, they've made plans to go away for the weekend two weeks from now and I'm not invited with them. And you have that moment where the buzzing really starts, your face turns bright red, you feel the lump in your throat, and you immediately do what we all do, which is either just take a big slug of your margarita or excuse yourself and go cry like a child in the stall of the bathroom. Or you just shove it down and pretend you don't care. In that moment, is there anything subtle or not subtle that you would recommend that somebody do?
Mel Robbins (00:35:32):
Or is it easier to come back to it when you're alone so that you can be freer in how you process it? What do you recommend to people who are just starting to become aware of this and tap into that?
Ritu Bhasin (00:35:47):
Yes. So we've got this, my new book, I talk about planning in advance of situations happening because here's the thing, everyone in the moment when we're activated and the shutdown starts, it's really hard in that moment to be like, okay, here's what I'm going to do. Because in that moment, we literally feel like we're going to cry or throw up, or we want to run from the building or we want to die literally and after the fact, yes, let's come back to it. But in advance of situations happening, we plan out what we will do when that difficult moment arises. So first of all, I call it scripting. There are three things I want to leave you with.
(00:36:25):
Step one, script scripting is the act of planning out in advance if a situation happening, what is it that I'm going to say in this moment when something difficult happens for me to me? Or let's say you're going to tell someone you're dating, that you loved them for the first time, and you're like, I know this is going to be hard for me. I know I'm probably going to shut down and I'll be nervous. Scripting is the act of planning out what you're going to say in advance. Because what happens is we move it from conscious brain into unconscious brain in the moment when we are activated, we're like, oh my God, I'm so nervous. It's like the words will be there. Why? Because you implanted them in your brain for future retrieval. So we always script out what we're going to say in these moments in advance and have myriad versions of them. By the way, you're like Hy, where do you do your scripting? You can do it at your desk and write it down. I do it in the shower. I do it while I'm walking down the street. So it
Mel Robbins (00:37:18):
Can be both mental or written down.
Ritu Bhasin (00:37:21):
Yes. I mean, it's always better everyone to write things down,
Mel Robbins (00:37:25):
Why?
Ritu Bhasin (00:37:27):
There's a cognitive process that happens in the brain. It ties back to neuroscience that enables us to engage in better information retention. But here's the thing, if someone were to say to me, I'm not going to write it down, fine, I'd rather than you just practice it in your head. At least something is better than nothing. Do something everyone. So step number one, script. Step number two, choose in advance. What am I going to say to myself in that situation? Self-coaching, when the moment happens and I feel the shutdown start, what am I going to say to myself? So you choose your affirmations or mantra us in advance, always in advance. And so for example, I already modeled a few.
Ritiu Bhasin (00:38:08):
I like to say to myself, Ritu Bhasin stand in your power. And the reason that really works for me is because for decades I didn't stand in my power and I'm now all about it. I'm like, I'm standing in my power. I don't give an F what's happening around me or Ritu Bhasin, you've got this, I love that. Or you can do this, I'm worthy. You choose your monthly affirmation, whatever it's going to work for you in advance. The third thing we do, and this is important because let's remember, the body leads not the mind. We say to ourself, when I get activated, what am I going to do to settle myself in my body? So for me in particular, it's breath work. And in fact, if you said to me, what's the number one thing I can do for my body to calm myself in any situation, it's deep belly breathing. You can just go to doctor Google and put in deep belly breathing. I talk about belly breathing in both my books, that deep calm breath focusing on the exhalation in particular because it engages the parasympathetic or the flow part of our system, the exhalations.
(00:39:08):
And the reason I love breath work to calm ourselves in situations is you're breathing anyways. Number one, you might as well do it in a better, more effective, healthy, productive way. And no one can see you doing it. So if you're worried that I would say I put my hand on my heart a lot or I'll rub my leg, or I'll just keep myself a quick embrace, I'll be like, you're good. You're safe. You're telling your body you're safe. If you're like, I can't do that in front of people, I hear that. Then just start your deep breathing. And so those three things, you have your scripts, you have your self-coaching affirmations ready to go, and you've told yourself, as soon as I feel activated, I'm going to start this body, work in the situation, calm myself. The very last thing we do is we visualize.
(00:39:51):
So in advance, we picture ourselves doing these three things. Why we're implanting, let's go back to neuroscience, future patterns of behavior. And we go into situations with these tools so that way we're ready, we're ready to go. And one thing I'll mention here, because I get asked this all the time and during my interviews, THU, isn't it unfair that I'm the one having to deal with horrible shit, negative hates coming my way, people are being mean, inequities, sexism, racism, homophobia. Why do I have to plan out in advance? And I hear that. And in fact, in social justice circles, we call this the burden of the oppressed. It's like bad things are happening to me and then I have to prepare for them. And I hear that and I honor that. And I would still say I would rather us go into situations prepared to stand in our power.
(00:40:47):
Why? Because this is what it looks like to claim belonging. And secondly, and more importantly, it feels beautiful when we come out on the other side having used our scripts and we did what we were planning on doing. And then the very last thing I'll mention here is because I do a lot of work on allyship too, we claim belonging for ourselves, but we also help to create belonging for others, especially in the last few years with the spotlight on are you being an upstander or bystander when things are happening around you where you're like, that's not right, that's disrespectful. And we stand silently as we watch things happen around us, we can also plan it in advance for those situations. We plan out what we're going to say the next time we hear something inappropriate, this is what I'm going to say to myself,
Ritu Bhasin (00:41:38):
Oh, I shouldn't say it it's a stranger. I can't say that to my family member at Sunday dinner. They're going to hate me. And then I'll be like, no, here's what I'm going to say to myself when I start to shut down, here's how I'm going to calm my body. We picture the visualization of it so that we can help to do this so that other people at the table who are rightfully shut down because of inappropriate things being said, we can be an ally by using the same three steps. So these are the three must-dos in advance of situations.
Mel Robbins (00:42:07):
I love this. And just so everyone listening understands, because I want to be sure that we're visualizing the right thing. You gave us two examples. The first example being you're going to tell somebody that you love them for the very first time, which is clearly a very activating moment, even if you think they're going to say it back and respond positively, we all have that moment where we're like, oh, should I say it? Should I not say, is it too soon? How are they going to respond? In order to stand in your power, you are saying to rehearse how you're going to be in your power. Even if you say, I love you, and the person's face goes blank and they say nothing back, and then you realize they're not going to say it back. And you visualize that very activating rejection,
(00:43:08):
And by visualizing it, you are socializing your brain to be able to be powerful. And you will also know and will have rehearsed and have encoded in your subconscious how you're going to show up in that moment. And I want to be clear about something because I know we're going to get this question. You are not manifesting the bad thing to happen. That's not what's happening, right? No. You're doing something else. So can you just explain for this example how this is different than attracting the bad thing to happen?
Ritu Bhasin (00:43:46):
Yeah, absolutely. So it's kind of like decision treating it.
(00:43:52):
So we go into a situation knowing we're going to have a conversation with someone, and it's like if they say this, here's what I'm going to say back. If they say, choose your own adventure flow, if they say this, I'm going to say this. If they say this, I'm going to say this. And so we literally decision tree out what the conversation could look like or might be. But this isn't about manifestation, sorry. This isn't about manifesting negativity. We are always going into a situation creating, putting energy towards the outcome we want. We are always in that place where we are driving our intention and the impact to be the You're having an aha.
Mel Robbins (00:44:40):
I am having a big aha moment.
Ritu Bhasin (00:44:41):
Tell me about your aha.
Mel Robbins (00:44:43):
By rehearsing the worst case scenario and preparing to stand in your power, you are aligning with what you want most, which is the ability to express your love freely,
Ritu Bhasin (00:44:58):
Precisely. You nailed it.
Mel Robbins (00:45:00):
Yes. So the second example that you gave is though also very important, which is training yourself to be upstanding in those moments, which means to speak up when you see something going down that is racist or that's insulting or that is discriminatory or this is downright rude, you see somebody getting shut down. It might even be that somebody on your team is getting interrupted in a meeting.
Ritu Bhasin (00:45:32):
A hundred percent.
Mel Robbins (00:45:33):
What you are saying is you use this exact same strategy to also coach yourself to be more confident, visible, and vocal in those
Ritu Bhasin (00:45:42):
Moments. Yes. Because here is the thing, and Mel, I know this is going to resonate with you, and I hope with everyone, we can't control other people's behaviors. We can never control anyone else. We can only control our own actions.
Ritu Bhasin (00:45:58):
And what matters more is not how someone responds to how we're behaving. What matters is that we behaved in a way that's in alignment with our truth. If someone's uncomfortable with our truth, that is on them. What we need to deeply anchor to is that I did me. I told you I loved you because that is my truth. You may not have received it in the way that I wanted you to receive it, but I am now free and liberated because I spoke my truth about how I'm feeling.
(00:46:40):
And in fact, someone else's reaction and response to us saying, I love you. It is not an alignment with how we're feeling. That's not even actually about us in the end anyways. They have their own thing going on that is doing something to them that may not give them the capacity to love us back in the way we need to be loved. That doesn't matter In the end, yes, it matters in the moment, it really hurts. And I'd be the first to tell you how many times have I told someone I love them or want to date them, and I've been rejected? The list goes on. But it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I spoke my truth, and all of this was part of my healing and growth journey.
Mel Robbins (00:47:22):
I think this is why the topic of authenticity is so hard for everybody to grasp because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself. It's about you being able to show up in your full self-expression, in full power and not edit, censor silence or somehow be different because you're worried about how other people are going to react. And so in the example of telling somebody that I love you, if you are truly authentic and you're standing in your full authentic self, it would be authentic for you to tell somebody that you love them without any attachment to what they say back, because it's not about you saying it in order to get the response. It's about you saying it because that is what's true for you.
Ritu Bhasin (00:48:28):
You got it.
Mel Robbins (00:48:30):
I want to pivot because we've talked about belonging and we've talked about how to tell when you're in a situation where you're trying to fit in versus you truly belong. We've talked about that sort of activation that happens when you're in friendships or you're in a relationship or in a work setting where you're fitting in, but you don't truly belong. But in order to get to belonging, we have to go through the personal journey of authenticity first. And in your first book, you identified the three different versions we have of ourself. And I love frameworks like this because they are so helpful in allowing us to locate which version of ourselves are we being right now. And when you know which version you're being of the three, you now have the ability to choose whether or not you're going to stay in that version or you're going to swing toward the authentic you. So can you walk us through what are the three versions of ourselves? And then we're going to take 'em one at a time.
Ritu Bhasin (00:49:41):
Got it. So it's called the three self framework. And I developed this framework based on my work and research because I was finding that people were in situations in the workplace, in relationships where...
Ritu Bhasin (00:49:54):
The surface level message was be you. Of course, I want you to be authentic. Of course I want you to bring your whole true self to this experience, but in the very next breath, it would be like through the behavior, just kidding, don't actually be you. So it felt very complicated and confusing it say, how do I show up? So that's what led me to develop the model. We all have the three selves, and I'll take us quickly through the three selves and then we can dig deeper into each of them.
Mel Robbins (00:50:20):
Great.
Ritu Bhasin (00:50:20):
So the most important self of all is what I call the authentic self. Your authentic self is a self where if there were no negative consequences for your actions, this is how you would show up. This is how you would speak. This is how you address, these are the words you'd use. This is where the content you'd share. It's where you draw a line. Boundaries, yes, know who you would love. It's the good, the bad, and the ugly of who we are. But because it's the truth reflection of our core self, it feels the best to do. So that's the authentic self resonating.
Mel Robbins (00:51:01):
I love that. And I love the definition. If there were no consequences, how would you show up if there were no consequences? You're not getting arrested, you're not losing friends, you're not going to be embarrassed or ashamed by what you do. You just get to do you. And there are no consequences. That is very clear. What's the second version of ourselves?
Ritu Bhasin (00:51:22):
Okay, so I'm going to go to the other side of the continuum, which is the third self, which is the performing self. So I've talked a lot today with you about the performing self. The performing self is the self that feels like we don't have a choice but to change who we are, mask aspects of our identity, cloak hide in order to shield from bias and judgment. It feels exhausting, humiliating, disrespectful to do. But we feel like if I don't change my accent or anglicize the pronunciation of my name or hide my experiences with anxiety, depression, or not talk about being transgender or whatever it is that we feel judged about or we feel ashamed of, we feel like we need to push it down. And of course, it feels completely disempowering and exhausting. And of course the message coming out of today is to really take a step back and think about around whom are you performing? Why is that happening? What are the judgments coming your way? And most importantly, scripting, self-coaching, body-based, settle myself for those situations so we can push out of it. But that's the performing self, which I'm guessing Mel resonates, given what we've talked about.
Mel Robbins (00:52:37):
Well, I think that every single one of us became the performing self in middle school, and we've been doing it ever since.
Ritu Bhasin (00:52:45):
A hundred percent, yes.
Mel Robbins (00:52:46):
And I would say until recently, I was the performing self in just about every aspect of my life, the dutiful daughter, the hard work, whatever hat I thought I was supposed, because I felt like everything had a consequence. Everything was high stakes. So everything required me to anticipate what I needed to do and to perform as such in order to succeed or be accepted or get ahead or whatever. And so I think I would imagine, based on your research, is that where most of us spend the most of our time?
Ritu Bhasin (00:53:22):
Absolutely. And for those of us who have come from cultural communities that have heightened judgment and bias coming our way, we actually spend extensive time there. We spend most of our time there. And this is the problem, but it's the adapted self, the self that lives in the middle that we've never explored before in this way and is a really powerful self. Because when we spend time with it, what we realize is, wow, number one, I have more agency in my life than I thought I did. And when I say agency, it's just a fancy way now of saying choice and control over how I behave. So agency choice and control over how I behave. I have more of it than I thought I did. Number two, oh, look at that. I'm behaving more authentically than I thought I was. Which in and of itself can be so empowering because when we realize, wow, I'm already doing this, I can do more of it, that can be very liberating.
(00:54:18):
And then the third thing is that it can also be a really safe place to stay in moments and situations where we don't feel safe to be our full authentic self, or frankly, we're exhausted. And you know what? It's Friday night, the meter's off, and I don't really feel like talking about my day job, and so I'm just going to be more adapted adaptive at this cocktail party, whatever. And so your adapted self is a self that says, alright, I hear you. I'm going to push out performing as much as I can after today. But I look at my authentic self and I can't be authentic a hundred percent of the time because I want to keep my family. I don't want to go to jail. As you mentioned, I want to keep my job.
Mel Robbins (00:54:59):
Yeah, I want to keep my job, want
Ritu Bhasin (00:55:02):
To keep my spouse.
Mel Robbins (00:55:04):
What I like about what you're saying is this, you're offering something that is empowering and doable and realistic.
(00:55:11):
There are times in your life where you have to freaking perform because for some of you, you are listening to this or watching this in a part of the world where just being you could cause major harm to you because of your religion or who you love and where you live or what's going on. And so you performing a role is necessary. But what you are saying is that for so many people that performance has been reflexive, subconscious. It's been a trap. It's become part of your identity. And what you are saying is that when you become aware of those areas of your life where you are performing, either because you are trying to adapt, right, you're performing consciously, strategically because it aligns with what you want in your life, meaning you are adapting your true self in specific situations because it serves you, not because you feel like there's something wrong with you. You are the manipulator. You are the one that has something in it. Yes, you are the one that is deciding that it serves me to adapt my authentic self. Normally I would pick a fight with my parents, and today I don't have the emotional energy for it. So I'm adapting to the situation consciously, strategically, which means I don't compromise who I am. I'm just being smart about where I put my energy. Is that a fair? Yes.
Ritu Bhasin (00:56:54):
You put your finger on it so you ding, ding, ding, you're adapt. Self is a self few elements.
Ritu Bhasin (00:57:00):
Your adapted self is a self that willingly, happily chooses to adjust your behaviors, to meet your needs and the needs of others. It's a choice. It's willing. It still feels good to do. It's still a manifestation of your authenticity. It meets your needs and the needs of others. And so it's still empowering to do the difference between our adapted self and the performing self is how it feels.
(00:57:34):
So the more you adapt, the more you adapt. I have the model for the three selves is on my website, ruth bassine.com. You can take a look at the funnel, but the more you adapt, the more you adapt, the more you adapt, you get pushed into the performing self vortex. And your body will tell you, this does not feel good. Whereas adapting your behavior feels perfectly fine. It feels good to do. And let me give you a really quick example. I mentioned being exhausted on a Friday night. I was once at a party with my sister and we're talking to people we had just met, and they turned to me and they said, oh, so Hy, what do you do for a living? And in that moment, I had a choice because I knew that if I said to them, I am a belonging expert, I speak on authenticity.
(00:58:19):
I'm a professional speaker. I talk a lot about diversity, equity, inclusion. I knew that if I said this, it would open up a full discussion and they'd want to unpack their stuff with me and yada, yada yada. And in that moment, I was like, the meter is off. I'm exhausted. I don't have the bandwidth for this. So I looked at them and I said, I'm in hr, which by the way is not a lie, although nothing kills a conversation more than telling someone you do HR for a living. I am in hr. I speak to companies around the world about talent management and human resources, and how do we create teams that are rooted in authenticity and belonging? But my sister looked at me afterwards and she's like, why did you do that? What was that about? And I said to her, it's true. I do HR for a living. My authentic self would've been to just give the full enchilada and dig deep and get into the, but my adapted self said, no, not this moment. I'm going to adjust and adapt my needs. Or my parents, for example, from Indian culture, really indirect. I'm super direct as a communicator. I adapt all the time because I know it will ruffle their feathers and it serves me too. I don't want their feathers to be ruffled on the other hand. So I do adapt a lot. On the other hand, sometimes I'm like, no, you need my directness
(00:59:32):
And you need my authentic self to shine here. Why? Because I need it. It's important for me to do. The important thing to take away with the three self framework is this. It's important for all of us to be mindful of what's happening in any situation, which of the selves is showing up? Try your best to push out of the performing self, adapt wherever you want to and need to, and then do your best to show up as the good side of your authentic self, the bad and the ugly. We're adapting on. We don't want our bad and ugly. For example, if you're a yeller, you have anger management problems, you're racist, your authentic self is racist, I would say to you, no, not the bad and ugly in our interactions, personal interactions, work interactions, we adapt on the bad and ugly. Bring your good, best, authentic self side to interactions as much as possible.
Mel Robbins (01:00:27):
Amazing. And I think this was so fascinating and interesting and amazing, and I just can't thank you enough. Congratulations, I, I'm so excited to support your book.
Ritu Bhasin (01:00:38):
Oh, bless. Thank you so much, Mel. That means so much coming from you. In particular, I'm a huge fan of your work, so I am so grateful for your time and energy, so thank you for being
Mel Robbins (01:00:47):
Light. My pleasure, my pleasure. I cannot wait to hear what you do with this three part framework. You know that all I want for you is for you to be your full self. And one more thing. I want to make sure that in case no one else tells you today, that I tell you I love you. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to start accepting and loving yourself as you are, as you're not, and as you become the person you know want to be. Alright. I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it. Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.
Key takeaways
When you stop censoring your truth and let go of who others expect you to be, you begin to feel the ease, flow, and peace of showing up as your real self.
That tightness in your chest, overthinking texts, or buzz of anxiety around certain people is your body’s way of telling you you’re not in a place of belonging.
Scripts, mantras, and breathwork are the three most powerful tools you can use to stay anchored in triggering moments and reclaim your inner authority.
Belonging starts in your body; t’s the warm feeling of being seen and safe, not the cold stress of trying to fit in by hiding or shrinking your truth.
You don’t need to be authentic 100% of the time. Conscious adapting is a power move, but the performing self steals your joy and keeps you feeling fake and drained.
Guests Appearing in this Episode
Ritu Bhasin
Ritu Bhasin is an inclusion expert, author, and speaker passionate about empowering individuals to embrace authenticity and leadership.
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Book: We've Got This
With We’ve Got This, award-winning and globally recognized DEI and empowerment expert Ritu Bhasin delivers a much-needed guidebook on how to heal, thrive, and stand in your power in the face of hate and hardships. She reveals how to unlock belonging―for yourself and for others.
Combining empathy, humor, and research with life-changing wisdom and savvy, We’ve Got This is the guide for finding belonging and joy that readers from across backgrounds have been waiting for.
Resources
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- Frontiers in Psychology: What is the essence of authenticity?
- Journal of Research in Personality: Realness is a core feature of authenticity.
- TED: What does it really mean for leaders to be authentic?
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