2 Ways to Believe in Yourself & Achieve Cool Things

(00:39):

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I have been dying to talk to you. So let me back up and tell you what happened. A couple days ago I saw something, and ever since I had been bursting at the seams to tell you about it, I have been holding this in until I could get up here above the garage in Vermont, get on this microphone, get in front of the camera and share this with you, because today what I want to talk about, it's going to unlock this power that is lying dormant inside you. And yes, you heard me right? You do have power. Even if you're sitting there right now eating cheese curls on the couch, or you're feeling too lazy to get up and do anything today, or you're out there walking the dog or maybe you're driving home from a job you hate, I don't care where you're listening to this, you have power.

(01:33):

And I'm so excited because I saw something that motivated me, that lit a fire inside me, and it's going to help me show you how to tap into that power. And yes, unlock it today and you need to. But before we jump in, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for spending your time listening, or maybe you're watching this on YouTube, but thank you for spending your time listening or watching something that can change your life. Oh, but before we get into this crazy motivational message, I have to ask you something. I love being here with you. Please subscribe. Please subscribe. My goal is to get 50% of the people that watch this channel to subscribe, why? It really helps our channel and it helps me and it allows me to bring you these incredible videos at zero cost. So hit subscribe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright, you ready? I cannot wait to tell you this. Let's go to the episode. Alright,

(02:34):

Are you ready? Okay, good. Because you and I are cooking up something pretty hot today, and the topic is something that I knew the second, I saw this thing go viral this weekend. So you and I were in the middle of award seasons for movies and for films, and I saw the most incredible acceptance speech. It went crazy viral. You maybe saw it too. It was this acceptance speech that was delivered by actor Niecy Nash-Betts. Now, if you don't know Niecy, don't worry. I'm going to tell you a little bit about her. She is an amazing actor. She's 53 years old, so just two years younger than me, and she's been in the acting game for decades. And I want to put this acceptance speech in context because Niecy has been nominated five times for a primetime Emmy, and she's never won, which means she has lost four times.

(03:27):

And if you're hearing my voice right now, I guarantee you at some point in your life you have experienced a string of losses. Maybe you've gone through four relationships in a row that all ended up in a breakup, or maybe you've had four different career changes or you've tried four different medications, or you've been passed over at work for at least four different types of jobs or promotions. Or maybe you've been searching for a house and you have been turned down four different times. And I say that because I want to put what you're about to hear in context. I want you to think about what it must feel like to be Niecy. Here you are, you're an actor. This is your dream. You're 53 years old. You have been working at your craft day in and day out, and you get nominated for awards.

(04:20):

In fact, you get nominated for the primetime Emmys four times and four times you show up, you sit on national television, they got a camera pointed right at your face. You are all dressed up, you're sitting there in the audience. There's all these other actors around, and four times in a row they announce someone else's name as the winner. Whoa. Now look, I know you're supposed to be grateful that you're even nominated, but can we just be honest among friends here, it freaking sucks to lose. That is not an easy position to be in because here you are, you're now at the fifth award ceremony. And if I'm Niecy and I'm sitting there dressed up to the nines, I will be thinking because I want to manage my disappointment. I'm sitting in the audience and I'm thinking, don't get your hopes up. Just put that expression on your face.

(05:19):

Lock in the smile. You know that this is not going to happen. You've experienced this four times where someone else's name is called. And in today's world, I do not want my facial reaction to become some kind of a meme when I'm all disappointed. And then all of a sudden, boom, they announce her name, she wins the primetime Emmy for outstanding Supporting Actress for the series Dahmer. And here's why I wanted to talk about this because when Niecy stepped up to that mic, she was like a heat seeking missile of motivation. And I want you to hear it. I am going to take you through parts of her acceptance speech step-by-step because there is something here for you and me to learn as we listen.

Niecy Nash-Betts (06:08):

I'm a winner, baby. Thank you to the most high for this divine moment. Thank you Ryan Murphy for seeing me. Netflix, every single person who voted for me thank you. And my better half who picked me up when I was gutted from this work. Thank you.

Mel Robbins (06:30):

That last sentence is takeaway number one. No one tells you that pursuing the things that you love, pursuing the things that you want to do, pursuing the changes you want to make, there will be days that it guts you. It's true. Do not expect your life to be a cakewalk and do not expect those changes or the ambitions that you have to be easy or to be fun. Because here's what I've learned, and I've learned this the hard way, nothing in life that is worth doing is a walk in the park. In fact, it's the opposite. The higher the stakes, the bigger the battle. And it's important to understand who you're up against, who you're battling because you want to know who you're not battling. You're not battling other actors, you're not battling other people in your company. You're not battling your friends or anyone in your industry.

(07:28):

You are in a battle with yourself because here you have all these hopes and dreams and these expectations and these ambitions, and that's the future you. That's the future you that sees what's possible. And yet every single day you have to drag yourself out of bed. You got to do the work, then you got to come home, you got to feed the dogs, you got to wash the dishes, you got to pay the bills. And some days, some days turn out pretty amazing, don't they? But a lot of days they just suck. Some days you're going to be gutted. And so if you are fighting that battle right now and you're working on making changes or you're going after something or you're chasing down those ambitions, and let me tell you something, you probably are because you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast, I want you to hear this loud and clear. Expect it to suck. Expect it to be a battle. Expect days where you feel gutted at the end of the day because it is harder than you could possibly imagine.

(08:40):

And then you got to do the hard part. You got to get up tomorrow morning and do it again. And we don't talk about this part enough that when the work is worth doing to you, it's hard. Whether the work for you is trying to get in better shape or maybe you're trying to get some aspect of your health under control or you're trying to write a book or maybe you are a working actor or perhaps you want to go back to school and get a degree, I need you to understand, except from the beginning, this is not going to be cakewalk. Expect a battle. And I'm going to talk more about that battle in a minute. But I want to go back to her acceptance speech because she was just getting started. And

Niecy Nash-Betts (09:28):

You know who I want to thank. I want to thank me for believing in me and doing what they said I could not do. And I want to say to myself in front of all, you beautiful people gone girl with your bad self.

Mel Robbins (09:44):

You did that. I love that. Go on girl with your bad self. You did that. You know what else Niecy just did? Niecy just gave you a masterclass in what is self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself and being able to thank yourself for doing the work, being able to thank yourself for believing in yourself, for doing what people said you would not be able to do, and you and I need to know how to do that for ourselves. 

Niecy Nash-Betts (10:45):

I accept this award on behalf of every black and brown woman who has gone unheard yet overpoliced like Glenda Cleveland, like Sandra Bland, like Breonna Taylor as an artist, my job is to speak true to power and baby, I'm going to do it to the day I die.

Mel Robbins (11:06):

I love that part so much where she says, as an artist, my job is to speak truth to power. Now here's what I want you to consider. It's not just the job of an artist to speak truth to power. It is the job of each and every one of us to speak our truth because it's only through speaking your truth that you unlock your power and thanking yourself for everything that you do. Thanking yourself. That is an example of speaking your truth, thanking yourself for fighting the battles that you fight for picking yourself up. When you feel gutted for opening your mouth and saying what needs to be said, that is exactly how that power that's inside you, it's in there. That's how that power gets unleashed. And one of the big takeaways for me and really experiencing the force that she was in that moment, you can feel it coming through that microphone, is just notice how powerful it is to hear someone thank themselves.

(12:19):

I mean, you don't hear that do you? Don't ever hear somebody say that. And you're so quick to give the thanks to everybody else to give all the credit away. And yeah, you should thank people that help you. But don't you dare forget the one person that knows exactly how hard it was for you to keep showing up. And that's what I want you to learn how to do today with me. You need to learn to thank yourself in the moments when you're winning. And you got to learn how to thank yourself in the moments where you feel gutted. Now, here's what's interesting. The second Niecy stepped off the stage. Everyone was so blown away by her force and her presence and her passion and her words on stage that almost immediately she was asked by an interviewer, Niecy, why was it so important for you to take that moment? Well, I'll tell you what, if you thought that moment she shared on stage was powerful, you better stick around because it was nothing compared to what she said. Next, stay with me.

Niecy Nash-Betts (13:23):

And you know who I want to thank. I want to thank me

Mel Robbins (13:28):

That was Niecy Nash-Betts, an actor accepting the primetime Emmy Award for best supporting actress. And I'm Mel Robbins. I'm so glad that you're here with me today because we are talking about the importance of self-esteem. And as far as I'm concerned, Niecy Nash- Betts just gave a masterclass in it in her acceptance speech. And I'm unpacking the lessons step by step. So we've already talked about what she said on stage, but what I find more interesting is that when she got off stage and somebody put a microphone in front of her and said, during your acceptance speech, you thanked yourself, you gave yourself the recognition you deserve, which is something that women, especially black women, can struggle to do. Why is it important for you to take that moment? 

Niecy Nash-Betts (14:19):

I'm the only one who knows what it costs me. I'm the only one who knows how many nights I cried because I couldn't be seen for a certain type of role. I'm the one who knows what it's like to go through divorce on camera and still have to pull up and show out, and you still got to go home and you have children in a whole lot.

Mel Robbins (14:40):

Now, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see me nodding right now, but I guarantee as you're hearing my words and you're listening with me right now, you are nodding along. I'm the one who knows what it costs me. I'm the only one who knows what it's like to go through what I had to go through to be here in this moment. And you are the only one who knows what it's like to be you. You are the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you had to go through for you to be here with me in this very moment. It's so easy to forget that people only see what you're doing on the outside, nobody. But you knows the battle that you've been fighting on the inside, how often you feel defeated, how you struggle to believe in yourself or the problems and the challenges that you have in your personal life.

(15:43):

And yet when you walk out the door, you slap a smile on your face, carry it all on the inside. I mean, heck, just think about how challenging it can be some days to just get through the day, especially for we women. I mean we're the ones that are usually taking care of the kids and the dogs and the aging parents and the to-do list and the grocery shopping and the cooking and trying to do it all at work and trying to do it all at home and got to put a smile on your face. I mean, it's exhausting.

(16:12):

So today let's talk about how you value yourself and here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to ask you to stop and not only think about the credit that you deserve, but I'm going to ask you to give yourself some credit. I want you to think about yourself. I mean just how far you've come, how hard you've worked, all the things that you deserve to feel proud of. I bet there are things that you've been dealing with or that you've overcome or that you're currently living through right now that most people in your life they don't have a clue about. That's the truth. So let's take a moment and listen to what Niecy says next because thanking yourself is speaking the truth. It is a form of power, being proud of yourself, especially if you haven't won yet, just being proud of yourself that you're still trying, being proud for simply taking the time to even listen to this conversation right now because you know it's going to help you feel better. That's the truth I'm talking about. So I want you to hear a few other things that she said because I believe it will strike a chord with you. Two,

Niecy Nash-Betts (18:03):

I'm proud that I did something that people said I could not do because I believed in me. Believe in yourself and congratulate yourself. Sometimes you got to encourage what yourself, and that's why it's not called mama esteem them esteem us esteem. It's called self-esteem because don't nobody got to believe it but you.

Mel Robbins (18:26):

Hi, I am just smiling ear to ear. It's not called them esteem or us esteem. It's called self-esteem because nobody has to believe it but you. So how about you and I? Take a minute right now. How about we do a little acceptance speech together? I'm dead serious about this. I know I have crazy ideas, but you've come to expect that from your friend Mel, as you're walking the dog right now or you're listening to me in the car, or maybe you're playing this at home on YouTube in the background. Just stop for a second and indulge your friend Mel Robbins. I want you to imagine that I am handing you an award right now. What's the award for? 

(20:24):

And you know what? While you were living with that self-hatred woman, nobody knew on the outside, but you sure did. And then I want to thank myself for getting sick and tired of all the lying and cheating and people pleasing and jealousy and insecurity. And I want to thank myself for deciding you got to be different. I want to thank myself for how at the lowest points in my life when I didn't want to get out of bed or face the stack of bills or deal with unemployment or how much I freaking hated my husband, that I actually dragged myself out of bed. I did that. There was no cheering squad, there was no marching band. I want to thank myself for getting into therapy. I did that. Nobody told me to go, nobody paid for it. I decided I wanted to be better and I did something about it.

(21:14):

Thank you Mel Robbins for taking care of yourself. You know what else? While we're on it, I want to thank myself for moving to a state in the middle of freaking nowhere when I didn't want to. You know why I did that? I did that because I'm a great mom. I did it for my son, I did it for my husband. I didn't do that for myself. It sucked for about two years. It sucked. And I'm going to tell you, it was so hard to leave my old life behind, but I kept showing up every day not knowing how it would turn out. I'm proud of myself. I did that.

(21:54):

I got to say, it feels really good to say yourself like that. So now it's your turn. Seriously, what do you want to thank yourself for? What have you pushed through? Thank yourself for that. What are the things you're chipping away at where nobody sees you and the progress that you're slowly making? Thank yourself for that. Thank yourself for the work that you do to heal. Thank yourself for the time that you take for your hobbies and to see your friends and thank yourself for taking the time to be here with me right now. I mean, you made a decision to listen to this and I'd like to think it's because you like hanging out with me and because you know when you listen, it helps you improve your life. Thank you. I mean, you could have been sitting on the couch zoned out playing video games, smoking a joint, scrolling social media, but you're not doing that. So thank yourself seriously, go ahead.

(22:56):

Doesn't it feel good? It's true, isn't it? You deserve to be thanked. It feels powerful to acknowledge yourself. And I also want you to do this because it creates a ripple effect. I mean, look at Nic's inspiring me and it's so easy to call out what everybody else is doing and point out their small wins. But the fact is, we all need to know how to do this because when you start to thank yourself and claim a win, even on those days when it looks like you're losing or you feel gutted, it's powerful. And I want to give you a simple example of just how easy this is and how you need to make this part of your daily life. So we have this family group chat. It's Chris and me and our three adult kids and just before I was about to get on the microphone to talk to you, 

(24:57):

He's competing against all these other kids. We were waiting to hear how it went and all of a sudden this text pops up. This is what he said. So they set me up as the last skier. I got a DNF, which means did not finish. He went down the ice louge last did not even finish. This is what he text next. But it meant I was skiing really hard and in the video they recorded it looked like I was pretty good. So I'm happy, that's a win for me. I love that line. That's a win for me. Now see, most of us, let's admit you and I, if we were the last on the ski team and we did not even finish the race like we turned a gate and just completely went in the wrong direction, you and I would not say that's a win for me.

(25:52):

We would count that as a loss. This is the power of telling the truth. This is the power of acknowledging yourself. Okay, let's go back to the definition of self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And what's so cool in that text is Oakley clearly understands something. He understands what I'm trying to communicate to you, that he's not competing against the other skiers. He is only ever competing against himself. And when you look at it that way, it is so easy to start thanking yourself for doing the work. Even on the days when you don't even finish, you can still thank yourself. You can count it as a win because you went for it. And so it begs the question, when you are fighting against yourself, what exactly does that mean? Well, in order to truly break this down, I'm going to pull in one of the people that really motivates me.

(26:58):

Who am I talking about? I'm talking about David Goggins, the Navy Seal bestselling author and F-bomb dropping. David Goggins. Do not go anywhere because we are going to talk about what it means when it's you against you. And I'm just getting warmed up and you definitely do not want to miss this next part. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so thrilled that you stuck through the break that you are still here with me. We are just cranking up the motivation engine right now. I hope that you are taking the time to share this with people in your life. Seriously. You can do that while you're listening to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast because everybody on the planet needs this reminder, the reminder that self-esteem is critical, how you value and perceive yourself and that thanking yourself, particularly on those days when you are not feeling great, when you just tried your best but you didn't finish, that's how you tap into the truth.

(27:56):

That's how you unlock power and it's also how you motivate yourself to keep going. Now, you and I have already been talking about the powerful example that Niecy Nash-Betts gave us at her primetime Emmy acceptance speech. And once I heard that speech, I thought I got to tell you. And the very next morning I hop on the treadmill. This was over the weekend. I put on my headphones, I turn on this interview and I'm listening to somebody I love and that's David Goggins. Now David Goggins Navy Seal bestselling author and he's doing this interview with someone else I listen to You might listen to him too, Stanford professor Andrew Huberman. I freaking love David Goggins because of everybody that I know in the personal development, life optimization, research science space. I think David's message is the closest to what I'm trying to convey to you Every time we talk.

(28:51):

And look, I'm not a Navy Seal. I don't swear as much as he does, although some of you think I do. But his message is always about action, that you cannot sit around and wait to feel like it. That there is always some level of resistance or friction or suckiness or pain in the way between you and the things that you need to do in order to change your life, in order to reach your potential. And that's what I believe too. And I tell you that every single time that you and I are talking, action, action, action. I even say that this is not just a listening podcast, it's a doing podcast. I tell you to expect it to be hard because when you expect it to be hard and it is hard, it doesn't derail you because you're smart. You saw it coming, you expected this, so you pushed through it.

(29:46):

And so here I am, I'm on the treadmill. It's literally the next morning after I've decided we're going to have this conversation and we're going to talk about Nic's acceptance speech. And I'm listening to him as I'm walking, and it's as if the universe planted him right in my ears because he picked up right where Niecy left off. Niecy was talking about believing in yourself that you got to just spoonfeed that stuff to yourself, that you got to thank yourself for doing the work. But it begs the question, 

(30:43):

It means you have to apply for that job or apply to the school even though you're not sure you're going to get accepted. The action comes before the belief. It's the action that creates it. And in the case of Niecy, on those days when she felt gutted, she didn't lay there on the floor for the next 10 years, she got back up, she pushed herself forward, she took action. And the fact is no one wants to hear this. Everybody wants to hack or the three this or the other thing or the blah. Give me the easy thing. Now, I'm sorry, but some days it's not easy. In fact, most days it's not. And the reason why it's not going to be easy is because every single day there will be at least one moment. When you feel self-doubt or you feel friction, that stuff is always going to be there.

(31:38):

You got to learn how to push through those temporary emotions. You got to learn how to pick yourself back up and slowly keep going and moving forward. That's how you spoon feed belief in yourself. Thinking will not create belief in yourself. So let's go back to David Goggins. Here I am on the treadmill and he's talking in this interview about the fact that every day is a battle. That's why whenever you see David Goggins on social media, he's usually doing one of those running videos. He drops about 15 F-bombs every 60 seconds. But here's what everybody gets wrong. He's not swearing at you, he's swearing at himself. And if you don't know his story, it's fricking incredible. You have to listen to his audio book. David Goggins, before he was a Navy Seal, check this out, the guy was 300 pounds. He was an exterminator in Indiana.

(32:48):

He had suffered extreme childhood abuse and trauma. He's basically illiterate because of his learning disabilities. He's terrified of water. But deep down inside as a 300 pound exterminator, terrified of water, you want to know what his dream was? He wanted to become a Navy seal. And the long and the short of it is you got to listen to his audiobook. He did what seems impossible. He decided he was going to do it. And he not only lost the weight in the amount of time, which was a crazy amount of time for him to lose the weight, to make the weight requirement to even be allowed to get into the training, he passed the written test and then he went through the buds, Navy SEAL training, not once failed, not twice failed, but three fricking times until he passed. I mean, unfreaking believable story, it will motivate you unlike any other story will motivate you.

(33:55):

And what you see on the outside when you listen to him is you see this drive and you're just like, oh my God, this guy must've been born with motivation and discipline and the mindset and all this stuff. And he's like, no way, no fricking way. I battle for this every single day. And he said this thing in the interview, he was talking about how you cultivate self-belief and self-doubt. And this part of the interview comes up and they kind of joke, and it's not really funny, but it's true. He said, there's a cure for alcoholism. The problem is it only works one day at a time. The same thing is true for self-doubt. There's a cure for self-doubt, but it only works one day at a time. You have to battle self-doubt. The cure is your actions. You prove your self-doubt wrong every single day. And so I want to share with you one of my favorite moments from this interview.

David Goggins (34:56):

There's no hacks, bro. It's you against you, you against you. And if you misunderstand that you have a real problem. This has to be in you. Something in you has to wake up. And usually the only person that can wake it up is you.

Mel Robbins (35:14):

If you're watching me on YouTube, you're watching me not up and down. He's right. He is right. There has to be something in you. And so first of all, I want to say there is something in you that's why you listen to this podcast. But you are the only person that can wake it up. And if you want to tap into something bigger inside of you, whether that's winning a primetime Emmy or it's getting into that school or it's healing whatever you need to heal or it's making millions of dollars, you have to figure out how to wake up, how to push yourself every day. And you got to figure out how to keep going on those days when you feel gutted because the only reason why someone doesn't give up on those days when they wake up and they don't feel like it, and it's the fourth rejection in a row, is because somewhere deep down inside of you, you still believe in fact you know the truth.

(36:37):

And the truth is that despite how hard this may be, despite how much this sucks right now, despite how slow, oh my God, it's so slow. The progress, you know that someday you're going to look up and this will all have been worth it, that it's worth it to just wake up every day and fight the battle. And Goggins just told you who the fight is with. It's you against you. I want to stop on this idea because I think it's really important to dig deep into this concept against you and unpack what this means because when you first hear you against you, I bet you made the mistake I made, which is you think, oh, it's me against me in this moment, how I feel in this moment. That's not actually what I'm talking about. This goes so much deeper and I've pulled this apart with my family because everybody in our family listened to this.

(37:49):

And in particular I had like a two hour conversation with our daughter Kendall, which I'll get into in a moment. But here's what you against you means. There is a past version of you that you are going to have to battle for the rest of your frigging life. And for Goggins, he is in a battle with the 300 pound lazy piece of shit. Those are his words, not mine that he used to be. That's who he's in a battle with every day. That's who he's swearing at when he is online on social media. And it's so important for you to realize