How to Eliminate Self-Doubt, Overcome Failure, & Reset Your Mind for Success

Benny Blanco (00:26:19):

Oh my God. They're both painful. Everything is. Look, that's what I'm saying. It's like everything in life is going to be hard at some point. That's just how it works. The best things in the world. You say you have a kid, you love your kid. Something's going to be fucking hard. You have a relationship. I don't care if it's the best relationship in the world. It's hard because two people are fitting together and two people have completely different lives and they have to coexist and live together. Let's say you're working in a job with. Let's say you're working for someone. It's going to be hard because you're going to have to do things for that person above you. Let's say that person above you is having a shitty day and they're taking it out on you. It's going to be hard. It's all going to be hard.

 

(00:27:10):

So your point's perfect because it's like if it's all going to be hard, at least do something that's going to have some relief somewhere rather than just sitting in a hole that's always going to be a hole of misery.

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:23):

What is this big fear that you got over?

 

Benny Blanco (00:27:24):

I wouldn't say got over.

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:26):

Okay.

 

Benny Blanco (00:27:27):

Okay. So I was on an airplane in 2009. So I get on the plane. My plane instantly is a terrible flight. It couldn't be worse. It's like one of those flights where no one's allowed to go to the bathroom. There's no drinks, no anything.

 

Mel Robbins (00:27:57):

That's the sign that things are dangerous

 

Benny Blanco (00:28:00):

When they don't

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:00):

Put the cart in

 

Benny Blanco (00:28:01):

The aisle. Well, they had it up at the beginning and it flew down the thing. So it's tense. Get off the plane, get on another plane that's this big, and I'm connecting. It's like me and my three friends, and I can smell what the pilot had for lunch. And then I tell my manager, on the way back, I say, "I don't know if I can fly home." And I remember I took a train home. So I took a train back to New York from Florida. From

 

Mel Robbins (00:28:30):

Florida?

 

Benny Blanco (00:28:30):

Yeah. And I was like, "Oh, it was so annoying." But then I get home and I fly again a few times. I remember I had a girlfriend at the time in London. I'm going to see her. It's okay. I'm okay, but I'm really on edge. Every little bump is making me nervous. On the way home, this was back in the day, I don't even know if it's like this anymore, where your TV came out of a thing next to the rest or whatever. I remember I'm on there, we hit a bump, and my TV thing just flies off and I'm like, "I'm never flying again." At this point, first, my brother drives me across country for the first time, and then my friends did. Then I took a train, then I took a bus, then I started taking a tour bus, and I really never flew again really after that.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:25):

For how long?

 

Benny Blanco (00:29:28):

I flew a handful of times after 2009, and I flew once in 2018, then I flew once in 2019, and then I flew once a week or two ago or a month ago.

 

Mel Robbins (00:29:49):

Really?

 

Benny Blanco (00:29:50):

I flew a month or two ago for this book because I said, "If I'm talking about failures and successes and coming over, how could I? Not get on a plane. And I was scared, but I didn't hit the snooze button. I woke up, I attacked the day, and I got on the plane, and then I went and I ate tacos. But I was scared. I was scared, but I did it. I was convincing myself that I was going to do it. I don't know if I'm cured forever, but I was still very scared, but I did it. I did it. And then I'll tell you something.

 

(00:30:31):

I'll tell you a few stories. One time me and Ed Sheeran were finishing the Divide album, and that's his album with Shape of You, Perfect, Castle on the Hill, so many big songs. And he said, "I want to finish the album in my hometown in Suffolk," which is on the coast of. It's on the water in England. So I said, "Ed, I don't fly." And he knew I didn't fly. And he said, "Come on, man, just fly." And I said, "I can't fly." And he said, "Well, what if we take a boat?" So we took a boat from New York City to London, and it was seven and a half days, and we watched the Titanic on the boat while we cuddled together. You are a glutton

 

Mel Robbins (00:31:34):

For punishment.

 

Benny Blanco (00:31:35):

And we actually made a lot of the album on the boat. There's a documentary out about the whole experience. And I'm crazy. And I wanted to prove I could do this because I have to practice what I preach. But yeah, it still haunts me. It's still hard. I did it, but it was tough. It was really hard. And I'm going to have to do it again, and I'm going to have to do it again. But yeah, I'm literally taking a boat in a few weeks to Europe again.

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:10):

Again?

 

Benny Blanco (00:32:11):

Again.

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:12):

How does it feel to know that that fear is stopping you from making certain decisions?

 

Benny Blanco (00:32:22):

It doesn't stop me from making decisions because I work so hard that I have to find a way to do it. So I still get to whatever destination I need to, but yeah, it's stupid. Are you kidding me?

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:33):

Well, it's not stupid because it's very real.

 

Benny Blanco (00:32:35):

It's very stupid.

 

Mel Robbins (00:32:36):

But it's very real.

 

Benny Blanco (00:32:37):

Stupid and real don't mean. It's stupid. And sometimes,

Mel Robbins (00:33:08):

You?

 

Benny Blanco (00:33:09):

I do. When? I still do.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:11):

Put me at the scene when the last time you had imposter syndrome.

 

Benny Blanco (00:33:15):

When I walked in here today. Oh, not you.

 

Mel Robbins (00:33:17):

Really?

 

Benny Blanco (00:33:17):

I'm saying when I walked in and there was a bunch of people in here, the first thing that I said, I said, "Oh, why are all these people here for me? Shouldn't they just do their stuff?" And I started getting embarrassed. And sometimes I'll be always when I'm doing one of these things, I'm like, "Well, why does a person want to listen to what I have to say?" And I think that's also part of what helped me get to where I am today. I just want people to really know, because it's very easy for me and Mel to sit here and say, "You're going to do this and you're going to do that." But I know for us, there's forms of self-doubt. There's times when we don't feel like doing it. There's times when I wake up and I say, "Fuck, I can't do it today." The point I'm trying to make is I feel like sometimes people will start what they're doing and then they'll regress and they'll have that moment and they'll say, "Oh, it's already gone.

 

(00:34:23):

I stopped. I can't do it." And it's not true. It's not true. You're just going to get up and you're going to work twice as hard tomorrow. It's not always perfect and that's okay. And it's okay to fail and it's okay to be bummed about failing too. But in the back of your head, you still got to be like, "Today I couldn't do it. I couldn't fight. I wanted to, I couldn't do it. And tomorrow I'm going to work fucking three times as hard."

 

Mel Robbins (00:34:44):

I want to make sure as you're listening, you really heard something really important that Benny just explained, which is when it comes to success and creating the life that you want or going after goals that you really feel called to go after, the skill is not that you just start and you keep going and then suddenly it gets easier. The actual skill that creates the things that you want is continuing to wake up for decades and not feel like it, continuing to have it be really hard, continuing to question what you're doing, and the skill becomes showing up anyway. That's what I kind of hear you saying, that it's not about that if you just keep showing up and you just keep producing the music or you just keep posting the videos or you just keep trying to lose the weight, that it's going to get any easier because I don't think it does.

 

Benny Blanco (00:35:41):

No, that's people's biggest misconception.

Mel Robbins (00:35:44):

Tell me a story.

 

Benny Blanco (00:35:47):

The year is maybe 2015. I don't even know. I'm so bad with years. I was a really successful producer and songwriter and I -

 

Mel Robbins (00:35:56):

Can you stop before you tell the story? Can you just tell the person who's listening, what does that mean? How old were you when you signed your first record deal?

 

Benny Blanco (00:36:05):

Well, I signed my first record deal when I was seven. 18.

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:07):

Seven.

 

Benny Blanco (00:36:07):

18. Okay. 18. My first real, real one. Basically, I started writing songs for other people. I had a knack for it, I guess. And I was able to create most of the soundtrack for kids' childhood from a certain era. I hate talking about myself, but for all intents and purposes, I was at the top of the charts for many, many years for writing most of the popular songs at any given

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:44):

Time. Well,

 

Benny Blanco (00:36:44):

Just

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:44):

Give the person a couple, because somebody might not know what you're talking about.

 

Benny Blanco (00:36:47):

Hold on. And you're

 

Mel Robbins (00:36:48):

Not talking about kids, Bob.

 

Benny Blanco (00:36:50):

No, guys, this is so embarrassing just because I always forget. I'm going to literally Wikipedia myself. I'll read a few. Katy Perry, I kissed a girl. Katy Perry, Hot and Cold, Britney Spears Circus, Kesha's TikTok, Kesha's blah, blah, blah. Kesha's Your Love is My Drug. Katy Perry's California Girls. Katy Perry's Teenage Dream. Rihanna, Diamonds, Maroon five, Moose Like Jagger, Maroon five, Pavephone, Maroon five Maps, Maroon five Animals, Ed Sheeran's Don't, Ed Sheeran's Entire Divide album, Justin Bieber's Love Yourself, Major Laser's Cold Water, Senorita by Sean Mendez and Camilla Cabello. I mean, I'm done. Great. No,

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:42):

That gives good context. So let's go back to the story

 

Benny Blanco (00:37:45):

Now that we have

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:45):

The context.

 

Benny Blanco (00:37:46):

You

 

Mel Robbins (00:37:46):

Said it was like 2015 or something

 

Benny Blanco (00:37:47):

Like that. We're going even earlier than that. Okay, great. Okay. So

 

(00:37:52):

I was really in a good position. I had all the success, all these number ones, and I was finding it hard to get the work I wanted. And I was like, "Why is this so difficult?" And I was still running into the same problems. I always thought when I was younger and I was making these songs, "Oh, well, once I have all the hits, everyone's just going to come to me." I was still running into the same problem. And honestly, it was even worse because people were like, "Oh, well, you made any song you played them has to be the biggest song in the world because they're expecting something that's so larger than life." And I was on tour with Ed Sheeran, and the Defiant ones had just come out by. It's a documentary with Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. And I remember sitting backstage at Gillette Stadium with Ed Sheeran, and it was his first time ever playing a stadium show.

 

(00:38:54):

We were watching Defiant Ones and it just finished and he stood up and he said, "Man, they did so much in their life. What the fuck are we doing with our lives?" And literally as he said, "What the fuck are we doing with our lives?" A man comes backstage and says, "All right, Ed, you're on." Ed went and played in front of 75,000 people. I remember right after that, I called my manager who's right outside, the guy I've known since I was 15, and I said, "We got to do something different. No one's taking my music. The artists are changing. That idea isn't. I need to put out the music myself. I need to be the record label, the artist, the publisher, everything." Two days before, me and Ed had made a demo together, and the demo was the beginnings of a song called East Side.

 

(00:39:49):

I told him, I said, "Hey, I think I really want to use East Side for my artist project. I want to become an artist." I thought Ed was going to say, "Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Just make songs for us. That's it." He looked at me, he said, "I can't believe it's taken you so long to do this. You should totally become an artist." Ed tells me to do it. The song's amazing. I love it. Go to Ed. I say, "Ed, I want you on the song." He says, "No." He said, "I'm putting out my own music for the next year. Can't be on the song." And I said, "Okay." One down. I go to Justin Bieber next. I say, "You got to be on this song." No response. Then I say, "All right." No one wants to record it. Then I say, "Wait, I think this song should be a duet." I'm at my house one day and I'm recording Halsey and I said, "I got this song that I did with Ed and I'm making my own artist thing." And she was like, "You're making an artist project?" I though it was going to be like, "What are you doing?" She was like, "That's awesome.

 

(00:41:04):

Of course I'll do it." So within 20 minutes, she does her verse on the song. So now I have one artist on the song. I somehow get put in touch with Khalid at the time, and he was really top of the charts at this point. And I said, "I have this song. I want you to be on it." He says, "Let's do it." So he records the song. Then we get to the point where the song's about to come out and I send Khalid the song back and he said, "I hate my vocals. I have to redo it or the song can't come out." I said, "We got one more day. The song has to be sent to master." With all odds stacked up against us, we get that done. So song is recorded, it's finished. I say, "We're home free. Everything's good." All the powers that be, all the label owners, the managers, it gets all fucked up.

 

(00:42:13):

Song's not coming out anymore. Okay. Song's not coming out. We wait more months. Now we're 10 months after things were going to happen, so many start and stops. And I finally get to the point where I'm about to give up and I have a call. Someone in the deal is not budging and it's either this way or the highway, and it was something that was unworkable. I remember everyone was like, "Well, we gave it our best shot." I said, "I'm going to call one more time." I smoothed the deal out, immediately called all my people. Everyone did it. We finally get the song out. Song comes out and I'm like, "Let's go." And it doesn't really do anything. It's like going, but it's like. And I'm like, "Okay." And then starts picking up a little bit, then a little more, then a little more.

 

(00:43:16):

And it was the longest climb to number one in radio history, the longest it's ever taken for a song to get from the bottom to the top.

 

(00:43:28):

Now I have my first hit song as an artist. Now, that long story I took there, that was just one story in the process of making an album. And to you, you saw this song come out, be incredibly successful. You definitely didn't realize all the conversations I had staying up trying to get this song to happen. You definitely didn't. I had so much self-doubt. I was questioning it all the time. I was questioning every second of the way. And then I got there and we did it and I could have given up and I could have hit the snooze button and I could have knocked and I could have looked when failure was written all over that board that I threw around, but I just got up and I kept doing it. And I don't know why I kept doing it. I kept putting my foot in front of the other, even if I didn't know why I was doing it.

Mel Robbins (00:44:25):

I love the story so much, and one of the reasons why is because as you go along the trajectory of what sounded like almost a two year long project and the various points, there was infinite moments where you could have just been like, "Fuck this. It is done. Okay. I got the no. I'm exhausted. I'm not doing this anymore." And in those infinite moments, all it takes is one person to still believe, and that person is just you. And it's one of the things that you've kind of been saying over and over that if you wake up every day and say, "I'm just going to move this song forward three inches today, and then I'm going to do it again tomorrow, and I'm going to do it again tomorrow until I get enough momentum to make the phone call

 

(00:45:28):

And inch it forward three more inches." And what's amazing about that story, because I really want you to sit with this as you think about where you are in your life, is how many days you wake up and you're the no, and you're coming up with the reasons why you can't inch it forward or find another way. And you talked to Benny about the what ifs, and you sit in the what if, and what if, what if, and we don't ever ask ourselves, "What if it all works out? What if I make one more phone call and I can get the deal done? What if I ask one more time? What if it works?"

 

Benny Blanco (00:46:05):

My mom, she never chased her dreams. Never. My mom worked as a person who set up the jewelry at JC Penney's and Macy's. She eventually landed in a job that she did like where she worked at an assisted living home and she was giving back to people. I asked her, I said, "Why didn't you chase your dreams?" When she was younger, she was a model and then she painted and she had all these dreams and she said, "I wasn't taught to believe when you went to school, you went to school, they told you you're supposed to do this and you're supposed to get a job and you're supposed to not make a mess. You're not supposed to make. The world tries to tell you not to make a mess. They try to be really clean and you got to do as you're told and you got to get your job and then you got to go here and then you got to do this and then for 30 years you work and then maybe you'll get social security." And they're telling you all these things and we're just supposed to sit back and take them at face value and just listen.

 

(00:47:13):

The reason why I want this book to happen is because I know there's so many people out there that have ideas, thoughts, concepts, musical ability, acting talent that can make the world a better place and inspire us and change us.

 

Mel Robbins (00:47:34):

Thank you for saying that because I do get both sad and frustrated because I see that inside every single person there is this untapped potential. There is a story to tell, there is a song to sing, there is a book to write, there is a difference to make. There's something to build, to create, to connect with. And I think it is so sad. I say sad because I can see now looking backwards, Benny, the decades, the decades where I was the one who was in my way. I was the loudest no. I was the one saying it's not going to work. I was the one saying, "Not you, not now. Who do you think you are? What are people going to think?" That I was the one that blocked it. I think for a lot of us, that is the biggest barrier to starting, and you'll never believe if you don't actually see yourself start taking that first step.

Benny Blanco (00:48:48):

Okay. I have a stool here. Yep. So your life is this stool, okay? So this is success. This is the end goal. Okay? Now, you have three legs. A stool is made of three legs. Okay. Now, Mel, when you're thinking of what three things are that make up your life, what are they? Most people say career, relationship, self-care, health, whatever it is, whatever your three are, what are your three? Just you. It doesn't have to be the same as mine. Oh,

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:31):

Well, it would definitely be relationships and family kind

 

Benny Blanco (00:49:34):

Of thing. Okay, so family is right here.

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:36):

For sure.

 

Benny Blanco (00:49:36):

Okay.

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:37):

The other one would be. It would be really about purpose and impact. So it's kind of career.

 

Benny Blanco (00:49:46):

Okay. Purpose.

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:47):

Yeah, and impact.

 

Benny Blanco (00:49:48):

Purpose and impact, career. Yeah. And

 

Mel Robbins (00:49:49):

Then the third would be health, because if you don't have your health, you don't have a life.

 

Benny Blanco (00:49:53):

Okay, health. I don't have three arms, but I'm grabbing all these legs. Okay. So let's say you're crushing it. You own a company. You have the fucking Ferrari, the Lamborghini, everything's good, but your kids hate you. Okay? So that's the relationship in family. Okay? Your kids hate you. Okay? So now I'm going to let go. Okay. What just happened?

 

Mel Robbins (00:50:25):

Your life sucks.

 

Benny Blanco (00:50:25):

Your life sucks. Okay. Now we're pulling this back up. In life, when you can get that combination of the three, then nothing's stopping you. Nothing, nothing in the world. I recently got that. I recently got that in probably the last five years, and I feel more stable than I ever have in my entire life. And if all those little pegs, those legs are strong, then you're rocking. If they aren't, you got to realign. Sometimes you got to step back. You got to get up and do my method. You got to do whatever it is to realize that it's not working.

 

Mel Robbins (00:51:09):

Yeah. Everything can wait until I get this back in balance.

 

Benny Blanco (00:51:12):

Exactly.

Benny Blanco (00:52:04):

I had to figure out that work-life balance. I was filling up the career side a little too much. I had to get healthy, and that means physically, mentally, all of that. I had to understand myself. I think I also had to learn. I always wanted to do so much. I wanted to fulfill my destiny. I had so many things I wanted to do, and I realized over time, it doesn't have to happen overnight. Honestly, sometimes waiting and getting there slowly makes it even better when you get to the finish line.

 

Mel Robbins (00:53:02):

So was it even on your radar? I mean, you guys knew each other for 15 years, which I find to be really interesting.

 

Benny Blanco (00:53:08):

No, she asked me out. There's imposter syndrome. I didn't even think of it. I wasn't even on my radar as if it would be a date. And then when we were on our first date, she's like, "Well, I wouldn't have worn this if it was our..." And I said, "Date? Oh, wow. Okay." And then I'm thinking about it like that. No, it wasn't even. I always think those are the best type of relationships when you're friends with someone and you know them. And then once you are there, it's like there's not too much learning. It's always so scary starting a new relationship. It's like being with a new therapist. It's like, "Oh, I was already with someone. They know my backstory. I got to catch you up to 38 years of speed." So she already knew. She knew me, obviously didn't know me deeply like that, but she knew me and there was a rapport there, so it made it easy and comfortable.

Benny Blanco (00:54:18):

I wrote a list with my therapist.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:20):

You did?

 

Benny Blanco (00:54:20):

Yep. My therapist. We made a list.

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:22):

Of what?

 

Benny Blanco (00:54:23):

I'll tell you exactly what we did. I said, "I really want to find the right partner and I'm doing something wrong. I can't find the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I want to do that." And we came up with some guidelines and a list. Okay. First he said, "I want you to write down what you think your ideal partner should be. The first thing on my list was age appropriate." So I wanted to date someone. You have to be very honest with yourself. And I said - I

 

Mel Robbins (00:54:59):

Have never had that on a list.

 

Benny Blanco (00:55:02):

So that was age appropriate.

 

(00:55:06):

Okay. Then the second thing on my list was someone who's nice. Nice, caring, compassionate, someone who's a nice person. The third thing on my list was I wanted someone who woke up generally happy, who wasn't so sad when they woke up. And if they were sad, they were doing something about it. They were going to therapy, they were taking medicine if they need to, they were doing yoga. They were actively trying to. Because sometimes people just wake up sad. That's just part of how it is. And I had a list of things, and these were broad things. It wasn't like I want their left toe longer than their right. These were broad things, and if it didn't meet those first five or six things, couldn't even pursue. Don't waste your time. Don't waste your time.

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:02):

Wow. I want to just broaden this to the person listening because as I hear this story,

 

Benny Blanco (00:56:08):

I

 

Mel Robbins (00:56:08):

Can't help but think what would be on my list. And as we think about taking on this exercise, because it's true, you can get so focused on the outside or the chemistry or whatever it may be that you don't stop and think on an average Tuesday, who is it that I want to be with and what does it feel like and what's important to me? And I'm not sure a lot of us have ever stopped to write that down. So if you had to give some counsel to the person who's listening about guidelines about the list, what would you say? Okay, if you're going to do this.

 

Benny Blanco (00:56:37):

Cut off all the people right now that you know aren't on that list. Even if it's easy, it's something for your sake and for their sake, cut off all the people that don't make the list you're about to make. I think you need to find someone that's both nice to themselves and nice to you. Okay? I think you need to find someone that you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. You're essentially trying to find your best friend, okay? Does that person make you laugh? Can you be fine staying home and not going out with any of your friends and not having FOMO because you're with the best person in the world? Because I know I can. I know I could let everything else in the world happen and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm with my best friend. One

 

Mel Robbins (00:57:26):

Of the things I love about this recommendation of making a list is that you mentioned that a lot of people struggle with feeling worthy, and so you end up settling for somebody that doesn't treat you that well. The simple act of making this list and allowing yourself to consider what you actually want is an act of saying, "I'm worthy of it."

Benny Blanco (00:58:08):

I want you to do a few things. I don't want you to do one thing. I want you right after this is done, I want you to either grab a pen, paper, your cell phone, however you want to write things down, your laptop, and I want you to make a list of something you want to do. Maybe it's one thing, maybe it's 10 things, maybe it's 20. I want you to make a list of some things you want to do, and I want you to pinpoint just one you're going to focus on right now. Okay? If one comes to mind, 20 comes to mind, find that one you're going to focus on. Okay? Then I want you to make another list of the first things you have to put together to get that moving in the right direction. Then I want you today, not tomorrow, today, go like this and move it even a centimeter forward.

 

(00:59:05):

Okay? And then just keep that same momentum. And some days you might let it sit still or it might go back one inch, but I want you to keep doing that. And I promise you, I promise you, you will be in a better place than you were before you started this podcast.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:26):

What if it all works out?

 

Benny Blanco (00:59:28):

Not what if, it will all work out.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:31):

That's true, especially if you don't quit. I think that's actually the secret.

 

Benny Blanco (00:59:35):

It works

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:35):

Out if you don't quit. You can't fail if you don't quit.

 

Benny Blanco (00:59:38):

You can't. You can't. You might still be working at the same thing for a while, but you're not going to fail.

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:43):

That's right. Benny Blanco, what are your parting words?

 

Benny Blanco (00:59:47):

Try to do what you want that's going to fulfill you and don't just go along with what you were taught to by some archaic thing in a textbook and

 

Mel Robbins (00:59:59):

Yeah,

 

Benny Blanco (00:59:59):

Be your. Self because everyone else is taken.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:02):

Benny Blanco.

 

Benny Blanco (01:00:04):

Five, four, three, two, one.

 

Mel Robbins (01:00:07):

Oh my God. There he goes everybody. Benny Blanco. And before I sign off, I want to make sure I acknowledge you. Thank you for hitting play. Thank you for listening all the way to the end. I am so excited that you got to experience this and thank you in advance for sharing a little Benny Blanco wisdom with everybody in your life. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you this today, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. There's no doubt in my mind that there was something very specific that Benny shared today that was exactly what you needed to hear right now. So go do it. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.